I liked me some Brandon Morrow, but I’m thinking of the old Morrow (not Edward Murrow) that had no control and sat down hitters like he was a furniture salesman whose favorite line was, “Try it out.” I talked briefly in our last podcast about Morrow. Rudy tends to think Morrow is a new and improved pitcher. I think Rudy’s standing too close to a newly-glued diorama. I just want to get out the facts about Morrow that we think we know compared to what we do know. FACT: He’s never had control. NOT FACT: Without control, he’s now able to pitch the ball exactly where hitters can make contact, but not get a base hit. FACT: His FIP is saying he’s getting lucky. NOT FACT: He can leave more runners on than other pitchers. FACT: His career walk rate is 4.39. NOT FACT: This year he can continue to shave more than two walks per nine off his rate. FACT: He pitches in the AL East. NOT FACT: He has a parakeet named, Chisel Jaw, that he dresses up in WWII pilot gear with a mini parachute. FACT: He’s injury prone. NOT FACT: Whenever he orders halibut, he shrugs and says, “I don’t know why I’m ordering this. Maybe just for the halibut.” FACT: He’s at the peak of his value. NOT FACT: He liked Jordin Sparks’ latest album on Facebook. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Steve Cishek – Ozzie wrapped a towel around his neck, had Joey Cora spray him with some water so it looked like he just stepped out of a sauna and said Heath Bell’s still his closer. Two things I don’t agree with there. First, Heath Bell’s terrible no matter how many times Ozzie says he’s the closer. Second, if you spray olive oil instead of water, it holds the look of perspiration much better.
Brian Fuentes – I’d pick up Fuentes in some leagues. I’d pick up Ryan Cook in some leagues. I’d even pick up that Eddie Murphy movie guy, Norberto, in some leagues. But this is far from a clear path to SAGNOF success.
Scott Downs – The Sciosciapath needs Adderall after replacing his closer for one blown save. I think Walden gets the job back (or back, back, back if Chris Berman is reading), but Downs should definitely be owned.
David Robertson – I went over him this morning. Try hitting down on your scrolly finger.
Jason Vargas – Marginer!
Chris Capuano – He’s no spring chicken. His time for greatness has past (unless he goes to Japan, reinvents himself and returns a new pitcher named, Chris Dragono), but he could be that ever-elusive pitcher at the back end of your staff that stabilizes things. Think Kuroda when he was in LA.
Drew Smyly – People are sure taking a long time to add The Emoticon. I don’t trust people who el oh el after everything on Facebook that isn’t remotely funny — “Oh my God, my baby just wet itself while I was talking to the bank teller el oh el el oh el el oh el!” Unless your baby is 37 years old, that’s not funny — But an emoticon? It’s so innocuous. And it has Ks.
Mike Trout – Unlike Bryce Harper, I don’t think Trout is deep-water fish. He could give you 10+ homers and 25 steals right now. On a side note, for my birthday, I want a picture of Trout, Tim Salmon, Kevin Bass and me in snorkel gear. Someone make that happen. Thank you.
Jed Lowrie – WHO! (While Healthy Own)
Alcides Escobar – WHO! (Now the H is hitting, instead of healthy.)
Josh Reddick – WHO! (Who let the dogs out?)
Ty Wigginton – I picked up Wigginton to replace Zimmerman and he’s been better than him. And that’s not saying anything. That’s like the opposite of saying something. It’s like the guy who blinked that novel not even blinking.
Tony Campana – He steals like the wind… Did you hear that last line in my voice? I’m in your head now. Hey, what’s this thing do? Oops, I think I just spilled chocolate sauce on your medulla oblongata. I’ll leave your head now. Sorry.
Chris Johnson – On one hand, I like Chris Johnson. On the other hand, I don’t like Astro hitters. On the third lesser known hand that is actually a mitten on a broomstick, Johnson’s hitting over .300 with some slight speed and power.
Pedro Alvarez – If you went up to a girl at the bar and asked her if you should pick up Chris Davis or Pedro Alvarez, she’d smell the desperation on you. Here, at Razzball, we welcome desperation and Pedro Alvarez.
Bryce Harper – But he uses the Shroud of Turin to apply eye black! And he once ordered pizza to Syracuse from Rome, Italy on a borrowed cell phone! And he has a butterfly named after him! The Bryce Harpertail is rare and only found on the island of Guam, but it’s named after him! Guys (and 4 girls), he’s not going to be the greatest thing since a Hello Kitty toaster this year. He was struggling in the minors. Maybe he was disinterested, as most 19 year old’s get, but he’s still only a 10-15 homer, 10-15 steal guy right now. His value because of hype is way above that. I wouldn’t sell him for a Groupon to the Ren-Faire, but I’d explore options. (Don’t sell in keepers. I’m talking about redraft leagues here.)
Danny Espinosa – It’s with much rueful rumination and fervor that I gather words that I don’t use when I’m speaking or really know what they mean, when I tell you Espinosa is a wanksta that needs some serious minor league seasoning.