David Price is one of the most interesting pitchers right now. Snooze! Okay, Random Italicized Voice, I’ll try not make this too boring. No, I thought I heard an alarm and was yelling for it to snooze. Oh, okay. So– Snooze! You’re not hearing an alarm! Maybe it’s your voice, Random High-Pitched Voice! Snooze! So, Price’s K/9 and BB/9 are at 10+ and sub-1. He should be a top five pitcher with those numbers. It’s not rocket surgery that if you’re striking out ten guys per nine innings and walking less than one guy good things will happen. This isn’t like when your mom says if you’re good to people, good things will happen back to you, cause I’m pretty sure any millionaire will tell you that’s a crock. The odd thing is not enough good things have happened to Price. See, Mom! Price’s ERA is at 3.93 on the year. That couldn’t be further from what is going on. Right now, he’s having the best season of his career from a strictly peripheral sense. This is all happening while his fastball velocity continues to fall. It doesn’t add up like Joan from Mad Men being married to that guy that looks like a young Jeff Goldblum only geekier. As each great start happens like yesterday’s — 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks — it’s going to make it harder to buy Price low, but I would. Snooze! Ugh, I hate you. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jake McGee – 1 IP, o ER and his first save. Ah, I see what Joe Maddon was doing the other day when he pitched Grant Balfour for two and a third innings for the save. He was trying to get him injured or have him blow the game. Balfour didn’t comply so Maddon just went with McGee on Sunday. So, either the Rays are in a closer-by-committee or Balfour will be called on to save the next game from the 1st inning on.
Jose Veras – Astros brought him back on a minor league deal. This isn’t like Vlad Guerrero signing a one-day deal with the Angels to retire. And not just because Veras doesn’t have the knees of Mama from Mama’s Family.
Jose Altuve – Expected to return on Tuesday. Altuve said, “I want to help the club. It stinks to sit on the bench, plus the equipment manager threw out all the phone books, so I can’t even see anything.”
Matt Dominguez – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. Seriously, does he hit homers any day but on Sunday? Acquiring minds and all.
Dexter Fowler – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. He was in this past Friday’s Buy, and Dexter’s been killing balls like they’re serial killers.
R.A. Dickey – Left his start early with groin tightness. Well, you are a Dickey.
Trevor Plouffe – To the DL with an oblique strain. Plouffe goes the oblique!
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-4, hitting over .300 in the last week and he homered on Friday. Big weekend for Escobar, too bad for every hit he gets someone is murdered in Medellín to celebrate. It’s an old custom that no one wants to question. Well, murder is the least of our worries, we got fantasy leagues to win and Escobar is a hot schmotato.
Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 4.03. I liked him in the preseason, but he’s been flat-out terrible with his peripherals and I wouldn’t go anywhere near him. Scary thing is Porcello’s been better than Verlander. I should try to do a roundup where I end every pitcher blurb with an allusion to how awful Verlander’s been.
Corey Kluber – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks. Still better than Verlander!
Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .322 on the year. With Jason Kipnis (1-for-4) and Carlos Santana (3-for-5) having off years and Asdrubal going on his second or third off year, Brantley got the three-hole in the lineup and ran with it. He’s not a sell high candidate either; he looks like he can keep up exactly what he’s been doing. Me likey.
Brandon Workman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, raising his ERA to 2.88. Better than Verlander– Okay, I’ll stop. Workman’s still around that of a streamer, and he doesn’t tantalize me. Maybe it’s his blue-collar approach, maybe it’s looking at clasps and straps all day that have me desensitized, but have no interest in Bra-Workman.
Stephen Drew – 2-for-4 and his 1st steal. Was watching this game and when it was time for Drew to bat, they said “Drew up.” And I thought, “Vomit indeed.”
Brock Holt – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .340, hitting over .400 in the last week. Holt schmotato!
Danny Duffy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.83. His peripherals suggest it’s all smoke and mirrors, and due to the backlash magicians get for revealing their secrets, I will leave it at that. And leave Duffy on waivers.
Mike Moustakas – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer in the last two days. I’d be lying to you if I said I haven’t picked him up in one league, and I am lying. I’ve picked him up in two leagues. I’m ugly, don’t look at me!
Eric Hosmer – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and his 3rd homer in the last 8 games. I picked Hosmer after Sky dropped him, and Hosmer’s homer pushed me over Sky’s team in homers. Some kind of karmic thing happening there that I’m probably ruining by pointing out. Stupid hard to understand karma! Now I probably have to nurse a butterfly back to health in Malaysia to put myself right with the world.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. That’s it, Sal, do the right thing and put some extra mozzarella on that motherf***er and sh*t! Radio Raheem insists on it.
Adam Eaton – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting over .300 in the last week with no power or speed, and hasn’t really contributed much of that all season. Do think he can get hot, and he’s owned in less than 50% of leagues, so I’m like a cyclops with a monocle on him.
Travis Wood – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.48 and his xFIP is also 4.48, which is as rare as winning the lottery while on vacation in North Korea, and the lottery forces you to stay in North Korea and use the winnings to buy WMDs from Iran and throw parties with the taxidermied Kim Jong-il and Edward Snowden. “Have you tried the puppy chow, Kim?” That’s Snowden talking with stuffed Jong-il.
Neil Ramirez – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 3rd save, lowering his ERA to 1.06 and WHIP to 0.76. 2nd save this weekend and 3rd save since the last one by Hector Rondon, who is battling elbow issues. Hector Rondon could be getting Pipp’d, which isn’t to say I have Great Expectations about him, but as in Wally Pipp, baseball’s Valerie Harper, which makes Neil Ramirez Sandy Duncan, so don’t stand on Neil’s left side, he won’t see you.
Starlin Castro – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal, raising his average to .281. Castro’s settled into a solid if unspectacular option, which so far this year has been better than not solid but could be spectacular from Jean Segura.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer. So, Frazier was the late, sleeper third baseman to draft. Got it. Cheers!
Ryan Ludwick – 4-for-5, 2 runs. Hitting over .350 in the last week and has two homers in the last ten days. I’m slightly worried that if I call him a hot schmotato and say to pick him up, then he’ll get benched for Skip Schumaker or something else as asinine. So, I like him in daily leagues where you can switch him out if he gets benched, but you need to watch his playing time.
Marco Estrada – 5 IP, 5 ER vs. Mike Leake (5 IP, 4 ER) in a matchup of “Two Guys That You Own In Fantasy That Makes Your Leaguemates Think You’re In A Coma.” That’s why they sent you flowers. No homo.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs. Has two hits in four of his last five games, hitting near-.450 in the last week, and he talked to his dad for Father’s Day for 20 minutes, which is almost twice as long as his sister, Vespa. Good week all around.
Josh Rutledge – 1-for-1, 1 RBI as a pinch hitter. Rutledge sat out yesterday because Walt Weiss just doesn’t want me to have anything nice. This is between Weiss and me and I’m sorry I’ve involved all of you. I just need to interrupt Weiss’s next interview with a coconut to his melon.
Troy Tulowitzki – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th home run. Unfortunately, to get him to not have a broken toe after he injured it on Friday, I had to sell my soul. That’s why I now have a dead-eyed stare like old, way-too-buff Madonna.
Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Someone get Kirstie Alley on the phone because one time full-figured, then skinny, then full-figured again, then skinny again, then ‘you know they’re going to be full-figured’ again is making a comeback.
Garrett Richards – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Braves. The vs. Braves is key, of course, but Richards does have a 2.87 ERA on the year, and should be owned in every league. He’s not that far off in his peripherals from what his ERA should be. His K/9 is 8.9 and his BB/9 is 3.08. Just off elite, but still usable, which sounds like a tag line for the world’s worst escort agency. We’re not Elite, but we are usable.
Erick Aybar – 1-for-2 with his 5th homer, but left the game with a sore left hip. Sometimes when my Cougar and I dress up in Civil War reenactment garb, she gets a sore left hip from the heavy adornments. I just rub that ailment out with some sesame oil. The preceding was also on my application for Extreme Cougar Wives.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 15th homer. Au Shizz!
Miguel Montero – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. With Montero and Mesoraco, I’ve now owned two of the top five catchers this year in my RCL and dropped them. All of you are rubbing off on me and now I can’t stop picking my own catcher scab!
Vance Worley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (0 BBs), 5 Ks. Worley had one great two-thirds of a season in the majors with the Phillies in 2011, then looked washed up for a few years until reevaluating what he should be doing with his life. Not trying to marry Martha Raye, because she’s dead, but trying to be finer with his control. Worley checkmated the control problem in the minors this year with a 8.4 K/9 and a sub-1 walk rate. Now, this isn’t an ad for Worley, but maybe a legitimate ad-Vance. If he can continue that in the majors, he could be a sneaky mixed league starter, but for now, I don’t trust him and would only look at him in NL-Only leagues. Talk about walking you up to the edge of the cliff with the bungee harness, then telling you to go ahead and I’ll see you at the bottom, huh?
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-5, 1 run. Haven’t really heard much about this guy? Must be a rookie or something.
Henderson Alvarez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. I streamed him in my RCL league, and, looking at the Stream-o-Nator, I plan on it again in five days. Am I saying this so someone else picks him up? Well, I can’t give away all my tricks, which is actually the tag line for the worst escort agency. That’s much worse than the one above.
Rafael Furcal – 2-for-5, 1 run, but left the game early because his grand kids were in town for Father’s Day. For those who have read my e-book know that I was raised by my grandparents, so I called my grandfather for Father’s Day and he’s now dating some woman who is like ten years his junior, but is still in her seventies. She just had some operation that requires her to have home care come in and bathe her, and my grandfather is furious because he thinks the nurse is a lesbian and getting off on bathing his girlfriend. I had to hear him say how it’s disgusting the nurse is rubbing down his girl’s dirty doorknobs. And now you’re as scarred as I am. You’re welcome!
Christian Yelich – To the DL with a lower back strain. Isn’t he like fifteen years too young for back problems? Come on, he’s out with chicken pox, isn’t he?
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. You can’t kill a Zombino, you can only walk around in a refrigerator box and hope he doesn’t see you.
Jesse Chavez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks and out of the game after 87 pitches. That whole thing about him not going deep into games is still true, but I’m not sure how much it matters since his ERA is 2.93.
Derek Norris – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .305, as he platoons with Jaso. Even if Derek weren’t hitting at all, he’d still be better than the Netflix show with the same name. Never found Gervais unwatchable before, but wow is that terrible.
Brad Snyder – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Has power, but won’t hit for a high average. You know, Snyder’s just taking it one day at a time.
Kyle Seager – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs. Hey, look at that, he fogged up the mirror below his nose.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Hisashi my dashi — slurp slurp!
Daisuke Matsuzaka – Left yesterday’s game after one inning with an upset stomach. That’s the last time Dice-K eats Vic Black’s homemade chimichangas prior to the game.
Jenrry Mejia – 2 IP, 0 ER and his 7th save. I guess the only back issues he has now are the old Playboys.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer. He’s hitting .229 and leadoff, which I can’t completely fault Terry Collins for. He is attempting to get fired after all.
Jesse Hahn – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (1 Hit), 7 Ks vs. the Mess on Saturday. I love how after each of his strikeouts, he shouts out, “Talk to the Hahn, cause the ears don’t care!” It adds a certain panache the game is missing. He’ll get the Mariners on Thursday in Petco and I could see streaming him there, but it is very risky. His velocity is decent (92+ MPH), his ERA in Double-A was 2.11, but he is a bit wild and raw, and that’s why Jim Bakker liked Hahn so much.
Ian Kennedy – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks, raising his ERA to 3.72. Sadly, his home ERA is 3.88. Well, only sadly if you own him or are related to him, and obviously I’m talking to all the Shrivers and Kennedys reading Razzball.
Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.72, moving his record to 3-0 and my broken record continues to play, “I don’t trust him.”
Matt Holliday – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .260. Our Player Rater ranks him around that of Bonifacio, Duda and Stubbs, so for Holliday, he’s all name value, and I hate to resort to that. Pun point!
Carlos Martinez – Will start today in place of Adam Wainwright. If you would’ve told me in March, I wouldn’t care at all about that news, I’d think something tragic happened to my boyhood hero, Reggie Jackson, and I needed to take a road trip with my mom like Seth Rogen and Barbara Streisand to revisit my youth and regain my enthusiasm in life. Thankfully, that isn’t the reason, it’s just Martinez has a near-5 ERA in the majors and probably won’t be able to pitch longer than 5 innings anyway.
Matt Adams – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd straight game with a homer. If you ain’t Fatt, you ain’t nothing. Yo, dinger gone, man, dinger gone. Dinger gone, yo!