You don’t have to only listen to Brewers games on the radio to be excited about Khris Davis. You also don’t have to only be excited about owning him for the possibility of verbally swindling another owner. “No, you verbally agreed to trade me Kershaw for Khris Davis. I don’t care if you thought it was that other guy. Besides, this Khris Davis has more homers very, very recently.” Same name chicanery is as old as the Bible. In 25 AD, a guy by the name of Jesus Krist showed up drunk to his job, soaking wet, and got a bye when he said he was practicing walking on water. Many years later, the Roman empire invaded Britain because of a prank call by Klaudius Seesir. For three years, Tori Spelling thought she married the guy from The Practice, only recently finding out it wasn’t Dylan McDermott but Dean McDermott, so you see this is nothing new. Neither is Khris Davis’s power. In the minors, he averaged a homer just about every fifth game, a practice he’s maintaining in the majors (makes him around a 30-homer guy). He now has four homers in the last nine games, and, while he’s hitting, I’d absolutely grab him for power in all leagues. Don’t let his name stop you. Yes, Chris with a K looks like a girl’s name, but it’s not his fault his parents let Roger Clemens name him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Gomez – Said he’s feeling way better and aiming for a return next weekend. If your first question after hearing he’s feeling much better is why is it taking him a week to return, I read your mind. I read it often. Sorry, didn’t mean to freak you out. By the way, to answer your other question, no, you shouldn’t wear sweatpants all this week; just do your laundry.
Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. Trying to time Bailey’s great starts vs. his blow ups is like being the guy from The Hurt Locker. “Now do I cut the green wire first or start Bailey vs. the Brewers?” Dah!!!
Jose Reyes – Sat Saturday (what’s up, Posdnuos?) and Sunday due to a knee flareup. Usually I have a flareup on the shoulder. On the side of the highway. Cause my car is old.
Todd Redmond – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. I streamed him yesterday. Not so much because of the Stream-o-Nator, but because I need Ks, and that didn’t work out so great. The SON does like his next start, and so do I (it’s vs. the Astros; what’s not to like? Unless you’re the Astro fan, and not thinking you’re rooting for the Jetsons dog.)
Evan Longoria – 2-for-3 and a homer. Only 8 more to go!
Chris Archer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks because I had Redmond going, I watched this game and Archer looked solid. A few nice defensive plays, but nothing to take away from his effort. Don’t love that he was recently complaining of forearm discomfort, so I’d still try to look elsewhere, but in deeper leagues where you have no choice, he’s worth starting again.
Travis d’Arnaud – 0-for-4 this weekend as he was called up to replace a John Buck baby call-up. The captain of the Musketeers, d’Arnaud will be an interesting name to look at for next year, but, for this year, Buck will be back shortly unless he impregnated a manatee.
Will Venable – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week with four homers in the last ten days and he was in this past Friday’s Buy. Don’t make me go back there!
Jason Heyward – Sat out yesterday after hitting two homers on Saturday. Fredi, you go against the family when you rest players who are finally hot after taking the whole season to get there.
Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.96. That’s in 149 IP, bee tee dubya. That’s not in, say, sixty-plus innings with some thrown in middle relief. Teheran is legitimately breaking out, hopefully not like Medlen legitimately broke out last year.
Brian Wilson – Was called up by the Dodgers for bullpen depth. Los Angeles fans were extremely excited to see him, until they were told it’s not Forrest Gump on the tail end of his six month-long jog.
Andre Ethier – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer in the last four games. Probably the odd man out when Kemp returns, but he could be a little short-term schmotato action.
Eduardo Nunez – 3-for-3, 1 RBI and 2 steals, batting near-.300 in the last week and has the speed to rattle off a handful of steals in a week or two. He’s no Jeter, but that’s because there’s nothing ‘nu’ regarding Jeter.
Alex Rodriguez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .319 since he’s returned (47 ABs). Doing better than I expected but I should’ve known, he can shoot himself up with five kilotons of PEDs and it doesn’t matter. He’s already suspended, after all.
Clay Buchholz – Will throw a simulated game on Wednesday. It’ll be against Bobby Tipton, who is a three-time Wii simulated game champion.
Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-3 and his 10th homer. Has a hit in every game since he’s returned, hitting near-.450 in the last week and has even cut down on his strikeouts. Not sure who the coach was that fixed his stance, but I’m gonna say it was Dwayne Murphy. “Can’t talk. I’m off to help a little kid win a giant plushie at a carnival in North Dakota.” That’s Murph boarding an invisible airplane.
Carlos Ruiz – 4-for-4. This is literally his first good game all year, and I literally hate when people use literally. I’m literally going straight through three stop signs and literally going to kill someone if I don’t literally get my brakes fixed.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, as he performs well for all of the abandoned teams in your fantasy leagues. Those owners in June, “Hamels has a 4.58 ERA and my team is done.” You in August, “Could you move Hamels into your active lineup so you take some points away from the guy above me?”
Mike Trout – Left yesterday’s game with hamstring tightness, which confirms that fish have hamstrings, and throws a monkey wrench into pescatorian diets.
Josh Hamilton – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 19th homer as he bats .230. How high were the odds in the preseason that Hamilton would hit above .230? 250 to 1? 270 to 1? Ironically, 230 to 1?
L.J. Hoes – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Now 11 for his last 21 and has two steals in the last week. Hot schmotato alert! I grabbed Hoes in one league, after seeking permission from my Cougar. I’m whipped, y’all!
Kevin Chapman – Got the save yesterday because Bo Porter is a pain in my ass. I have Chia-Jen Lo for what? To tell me he’s still Chia-J. Lo from the block no matter how many rocks he got? What about two days ago when Bo Porter said it would be Lo or Josh Fields forever in the ninth inning? Was that just to butter my biscuits? I don’t need your cholesterol, Bo Porter! So, once again, there’s no rhyme or reason to the Astros closing shituation.
Matt Dominguez – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. Because Monday isn’t already your worst day, I’ll point out that Dominguez and Sandoval have been nearly identical for value, according to our Player Rater.
Bartolo Colon – Hit the DL with a strained left groin. He has two groins!? How isn’t this bigger news? Or grosser news?
Krispie Young – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. This was his 2nd homer this week, and I’m watching him closely in a league where I need power, because I know how hot he can get for a few weeks at a time. The Hitter-Tron also likes him, but Hitter-Tron likes trolling for girls with Johnny Five from Short Circuit, so there’s that.
Wade Miley – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.56, which also opened for Oaktown’s 3.5.7. Miley’s a solid, if unspectacular back-end of the fantasy rotation starter, which is to say I wish I owned him all year instead of Yovani Gallardo.
Adam Eaton – 4-for-7, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Takes a lot of work to get three singles and a double, have the two guys behind you go 1-for-13, play for 16 innings and not even attempt a steal. You would think at some point the opportunity would’ve presented itself to steal a base. I mention this because Eaton has zero steals this year, and may have the red light or lack the confidence to run. Neither situation is good, though the latter is obviously just sad.
Aaron Hill – 4-for-7, 1 RBI, three homers in the last week and hitting near .425 in that time. Finally, in that groove that makes sense for where you drafted him, unless you just draft alphabetically by first name. How about that Andrew Albers!
Erasmo Ramirez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks in Arlington. Mm-hmm. I see. Right when everyone’s dropped you, and you face a tough opponent, you decide to turn it on. Not cool, Erasmo, not cool at all.
Craig Gentry – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th steal as he hit leadoff, because Ron Washington is like a fantasy manager with how much he changes his lineup. I’d say it’s ADHD, but I think we know what it really is.
Chris Davis – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 499th homer. See, that’s what the original does when you talk too much about this newfangled McDowell’s Big Mic Khris Davis.
Adam Jones – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and the ever-delicious slam (25) and legs (11). Hotdam Jones!
Brian Roberts – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs. Member Bip Roberts? He was really ahead of his time with sabermetrics. I always want to call Brian Roberts, Burp Roberts. Any the hoo! Roberts is hitting near-.500 in the last week with no speed or power, but worth a look if you need a hot schmotato at middle infidel.
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Has a hit in seven of his last 10 games while chipping in a homer and two steals. Or as Blackmon would say, “Who you calling, Chip, motherf**ker!”
Jon Jay – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week. It’s as American as Jon Jay, a hot schmotato and apple pie. Everything in America ends with dessert, includes a starch and patriot name-dropping.
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.66. You’re having a prettttay, prettttay good season when I have to double check if a 7 IP, 1 ER game lowered or raised your ERA. In related news, draft Beachy next year.
Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. Recognizable Character Actor getting in Bumgarner’s face, “What is that crap you’re throwing against the Marlins? Don’t you check out, don’t you dare. We have just over five weeks left and I need you now. Do you hear me? Okay, have some water and let’s save humankind.”
Hunter Pence – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. He also has 18 steals. If he doesn’t get three homers in the next week to balance with his steals, his OCD will incapacitate him and he’ll be counting blades of grass to make sure AT&T Park’s outfield is divisible by 18.
Gregor Blanco – 3-for-5, 2 runs, and six for thirteen in the weekend series vs. the Marlins. Could be the next SAGNOF’er to get hot, definitely worth keeping a close eye on. A close eye, not closed. Open your eyes!
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-5, run, and finally came alive with his bat as he hits more than his weight in the last week, which is no small feat. Though, Sandoval doesn’t know if they’re big or small.
Alexei Ramirez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Now has half of his season total for homers in the last ten days. Yippee, half of four is two. Random Italicized Voice, you don’t have to always be so glass is half empty. He’s also hit in nine of the last ten games. He’s only hitting .310 in that time. That would’ve led the league in 1968. I have to take your word for it that 1968 ever existed since I wasn’t born yet.
Hector Santiago – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K vs. the Twins, lowering his ERA to 3.27. I nearly streamed him for this start, and, honestly, seriously, reflective pause, I have no freakin’ idea why I didn’t.
Brian Dozier – 2-for-5, 1 run, which makes it back-to-back 2-for-5 games after it looked like he was getting cold, which came after it looked like he would never get hot, which came after he was born. There’s some time between those last two items.
Omar Infante – Left Saturday’s game with back stiffness and sat out Sunday. Now, this is probably just a coincident, but are we sure John Buck’s wife didn’t give birth to an Infante?
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, moving his record to 18-1 and his ERA to 2.82. I’d say he’s a lock for the Cy Young award, but I’m not giving up on my petition to change the award’s name to the Cy Scherzer.
Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 40th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said that if Scherzer and Miggy win the Cy Young and MVP, they would be the first pair to do so on the same team. Elias also said they were really hungover from Saturday night and didn’t feel like looking it up, so they could be wrong.
Bruce Chen – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER. The Regression Fairies refer to their spouse as their partner, they have friends that know Jodie Foster and they laugh at your pristine ERA.
Billy Butler – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer. After the homer, he touched one of his moobs and made a sizzling sound.
Miguel Tejada – Suspended for 105 games for testing positive for amphetamines. Tejada said that he’s not going to challenge it, but, to be clear, he was in a teleporter and a frog accidentally snuck in there and, hence, the failed drug test. When MLB explained to him he didn’t test positive for amphibian, he said, “Oh.”