Later, Hawai’ian. Hello, Eric Hosmer. Or as Hosmer might say, “W’oh!” In Triple-A this year, Hosmer had 3 homers and 3 steals in 98 ABs. Year before, 20 homers, 14 steals between Double-A and High-A. Bye, A! The average has been great too. He looks like Votto to me. To take that comparison past the point where it’s still making sense, Votto had 24 homers, 7 steals and a .297 average his first full year. He was 24 though, Hosmer is 21 — I’ll pinch your cheeks you’re so young, you! If Hosmer hits 24 homers with a .297 average this year, I’ll shave my ‘stache, glue it to the middle of my forehead and tattoo lips below it. He’s just a bit too raw. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t own him everywhere. You take the rookie flyer because if it pans out the trade value inflates like Butler’s moobs after he drinks a quart of milk. Conservatively, I’ll give Hosmer 17 homers, 6 steals and .280. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Lyon – Lyon was the lead until Hosmer got the call. Rudy came up with titles and everything, so you get a bonus lead-in today. Discarded titles were, “Lyon Sent To Vet,” “Lyon Caged, Astro Fans Rejoice,” and, “Astros Stop Lyon To Themselves.” Lyon has a torn rotator cuff. They should get the doctor that made Lee Majors bionic cause Lyon needs all the help he can get. Mark Melancon is the man to own in Houston, though the word out of the 5th ward is Ed Wade’s Toupee is trying to lose every game the rest of the season, or at least his GM’ing makes it seem that way. Seriously, he can’t even pick out a decent toupee and he’s going to GM a major league team? He looks like a Computer Science teacher who’s still teaching BASIC. Melancon isn’t the meow’s cat or anything. His fastball is kinda whatever, but he gets some Ks, groundballs and Lyon is out. I’d own Melancon everywhere, he could run with the job all year.
Josh Johnson – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 7 Ks. Was clotheslined today by his manager after leaving Johnson in until he gave up a 3-2 lead. Michael Dunn proceeded to make it a Hart Attack by letting two inherited runners come in on a Berkman HR.
Eduardo Sanchez – Got the save. He’s the closer! Maybe! He might have the job until he blows it. Or not! He’s worth owning for the off chance La Russa has made up his feathered-hair covered mind. “Look at my hair! It falls naturally like the feather in Forrest Gump.” Whatever, La Russa.
Albert Pujols – 3-for-3 as Nick Punto played 2nd base. See, Punto was playing today and not able to don Pujols’ jersey and take an 0-for-4. I’m the monkey-fightin’ Oliver Stone of fantasy baseball ‘perts!
Brennan Boesch – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer. Or a Boesch & Bomb. Bee tee dubya, 2 homers after over a month isn’t great.
Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 1 ER. Give Al Alburquerque a chance! Santa K, New Mexiclosero!
Brett Myers – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks. Not to toot my own horn — though if I could I’d never leave my house — but I never bought into Myers’ early success. Take that, snitches!
Jason Bourgeois – 2 steals. Holy SAGNOF, Batman! He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. You can hardly wait. No, you!
Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Astros. Was a pretty easy matchup, but I guess it’s safe to get him back in your lineups. To be honest, I’ve sorta lost my patience with Bailey and won’t be adding him anywhere, which, of course, means he’ll be terrific. It’s reverse psyching-out-yourself psychology. Or maybe it’s confirmation bias. Or maybe I should’ve paid attention in Psych 101.
Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 3 Runs and his 6th homer. I’m not lucky, I’m Bruce’d. Yes.
Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell but if you haven’t picked him up by now, you lose. If you don’t trust me, look at his K/9 and K/BB.
Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Member in the preseason when I made my off-the-wall prediction that Marcum would start the All-Star game? His ERA is 2.06. Cust kayin’.
Raul Ibanez – 3-for-4 with his 2nd home run in two games. Super hard to get excited about this schmohawk, but he is currently hitting. Hot schmotato’s come in all forms, ya’ll.
Ryan Sweeney – 5-for-6, 2 RBIs. Sweeney wins the coveted prize of “I have absolutely nothing to say about him either positively or negatively.” Show him what he wins! A brand new 2011 Ellipsis! …
Shin-Soo Choo – 0-for-5, hitting .226 on the year. Is he still drunk?
Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4, 4 Runs as he achieved the rare golden runbrero.
Mark Trumbo – Hit his third homer in his last four games. Too bad the Sciosciapath only plays him four times a week.
Erick Aybar – 4-for-6, 2 steals. Obviously just the sight of Varitek in the dugout gets opposing baserunners excited.
Jonathan Broxton – Has a bone spur on his elbow and is likely headed to the DL. Don’t take my word for it. Here’s what Broxton had to say, “I’m fat.” Alrighty then! I’d own Kuo, Padilla and Jansen in deep leagues.
Mike Pelfrey – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Whatever, wouldn’t trust him, need to get dressed to go celebrate my Chicano brothers with tequila, moving on.
Eric Chavez – Has a broken foot. So I ask you, Eric Chavez wants to tandem skydive with you, do you agree? If you do agree, do you make sure your Last Will and Testament is in good order?
Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks. Bochy said Sanchez is “drifting mentally.” Bochy became concerned when Sanchez started playing his Nintendo DS during a 3-1 count.