Matt Kemp doesn’t seem like he cares. Well, about anything outside of protecting Rihanna’s honor and piercings. I don’t blame him. The GM questions his defense. The manager plays Jay Gibbons over him. Andre Ethier gets all the cool pink shirts. Manny was recently overheard saying, “What does a man have to do to get a cool pink shirt up in this mug?!” I contemplated not going with Kemp for this lead because it’s past a lot of people’s trade deadlines. If it’s past your deadline, skip down to the Buy section, there will be plenty of schmohawks to grab off waivers. If it’s not past your deadline, there’s few top players whose value is lower than Matt Kemp right now. Kemp’s owners right now are having flashbacks to last season when he was batting behind the pitcher. Torre’s a Sciosciapath with Kemp, his owners know it. So, step one for value is achieved, Kemp’s price tag is cheaper than his value. Could Kemp continue to suck on the suckhole for the rest of the year? I suppose, loyal Razzball reader. But he’s also capable of a 7+ homer, 5+ steal month and there’s not a lot of guys that can say that, especially at his current price. Anyway, here’s more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Hisabobby Takafelicianell – No relation to Zoey Deschanel, if anyone was wondering. This shituation would be clearer if we only had some idea who setup K-Rod in the Family Lunge. Did Parnell help setup the in-law with a stomach punch or nipple twist? Did Feliciano come in with a left hook? Did R.A. Dickey give him a knuckle sandwich? Hard to know. I think Hisanori or Feliciano are the best bets going forward.
Aaron Heilman – I wouldn’t even mention him if he were owned in more than 18% of ESPN leagues. You want saves, you grab Heilman. That is all.
Michael Wuertz – Another guy I’d own before the Hisabobby mess.
Octavio Dotel – SAGNOF!
Brandon Lyon – The five earned runs the other day still stings in my nether regions. Or maybe that’s an STD. Anyhoo! Lindstrom’s either falling apart or injured. Grab Lyon for the vultures.
Jeremy Hellickson – I haven’t talked about Hellickson nearly enough. Not! Should you pick him up? Yacht!
Mike Minor – The Minor problem (hehe) is his time in the rotation may be limited. No problems with his stuff though.
Brandon Morrow – How is he owned in less than 50% of Yahoo and ESPN leagues? He leads the majors in K-rate. Get it together, people.
Ryan Raburn – Only a Buy because he has 2nd base eligibility and he’s capable of 15 homers… Sure, that’s in over 400 at-bats. But that’s .04 homers per at-bat!
Omar Infante – I feel silly constantly recommending a guy I don’t even particularly like myself. Shoot, only two guys are excited about Infante. Charlie Manuel and Smash Mouth. Omar, you’re an All-Star, go to third base, get paid.
Jed Lowrie – Has very little speed and power… He’s kinda like Omar Infante without the hype. You might be thinking to yourself, “Omar Infante doesn’t have any hype.” Exactly! Lowrie is hitting .444 for the last week and has been known to get hot for a month at a time in the later months of the year. Or for one month, once in his career (August 2008).
Jerry Hairston Jr. – Hitting near .500 over the last week with 3 homers. It just doesn’t get better than that! Well, it might, but he’s currently hot.
Mike Lowell – If I saw a contending team pick up Lowell, I’d send them a message, “Hey, you could still win this thing, why are you giving up?” They’ll respond with a variation of, “Why do you say I’m giving up?” Me, “Because you picked up Mike Lowell.” Then within a few days, they’ll drop him. Even if he’s hitting well. Lowell’s just one of those players that you pick up and feel like you’re just not trying hard enough.
Carlos Delgado – Once Delgado is called up, the Red Sox are going to have the best 2003 platoon ever.
Pat Burrell – Same category as Lowell, not as good eligibility. Hopefully the newly-acquired Jose Guillen doesn’t hurt his playing time. re: Guillen; Good to see Brian Sabean hasn’t lost his flair for the flat-footed vet who should be a DH. You know who Sabean should acquire to play first? Big Papi. Or bring Griffey back to play center. Or at least platoon with Aaron Rowand. It’s the mannequin defense. Most times the defense alignment means moving guys in and out, right and left. For the Giants outfield, they have to decide if they want to play their fielders with their gloves in the air for a fly ball or on the ground because once the ball is hit there is no time for them to move their arms. John Dewan heard about the Guillen signing — on top of the recent Burrell signing — and held up his Fielding Bible yelling, “Blasphemer!”
Michael Brantley – Had 46 steals in Triple-A in 2009. Had 13 steals in only 67 games this year. If you need more, I’m not sure I can help you.
Ryan Ludwick – I could’ve put Chris Denorfia in this list too, but because of a lot of red tape and legalese I’m not allowed to put three Padre hitters in the Buy section. (Though you could say I just did mention Denorfia. Sneaky!)
David Murphy – I’ve been pimping this schmohawk for about a week. Why, Grey, why so much love? Cause he’s hot, random italicized voice. Oh, thought there might be more to it. Nope, he’s hitting over .400 in the last week with three homers. Pretty interesting. Okay, you interject, random italicized voice. You don’t converse. Snippy!
Jason Bay – This obviously isn’t a Sell as much as a Drop, but my OCD doesn’t allow me to change the headings. Think back when you first drafted Bay. You convinced yourself that he could hit in Metco and the NL. You were wrong. Accept defeat and drop him. Even if he returns, David Murphy has done more in a week than Bay did all year.
Carlos Beltran – Another one of your Mr. Bungle moves. Really, at this time of the year, I don’t have patience for underperforming guys. What’s Beltran suddenly going to be, his 2006 self? Let’s live in the present. Currently, Beltran has one homer and is batting .214. That’s nice… Punt!
Chase Headley – Hey, I was a fan of the sleeper Headley in the preseason, but doode never woke up. He has 4 homers and 4 steals in his last 200+ ABs. I just popped a zit in a mirror and the puss spelled out, “Blech.”