If there’s one guy who can’t afford to lose a foot, it’s the five-three Dustin Pedroia. As of post time, it’s not clear how long Pedroia will be out with his fractured foot. My guess is 4 to 6 weeks. One thing Scrappy Doo does is fight. It’s a wonder he can carry around the over-sized baboon heart he’s got. One thing Scrappy Doo doesn’t do (say that fast 117 times) is sit on the sidelines, but to paraphrase the Christian Slater/Marisa Tomei classic, Untamed Heart, “You love with your mind and soul, not your heart. But you don’t hit with your mind and soul when you have a fractured foot.” So while Dusty’s shelved, you need to find a replacement. Some ways you can look for average? Aviles or Kendrick. Steals? Figgy or Theriot. RBIs? Barmes or Guillen. Runs? Walker or Polanco. All of these options depend on your league depth, obviously. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Clay Buchholz – Hyperextended his knee on Saturday, but the word on Lansdowne Street is he will avoid the DL and shouldn’t miss more than one start, even if that. Good news indeed, he’s Clay aching but he should be back to filling your fantasy gloryhole soon.
Victor Martinez – Fractured his left thumb. Yeah, that’s bad news. Right now, the team is saying he might not need a DL stint. DL stint or not, I can’t imagine this won’t effect his hitting. You know, the, uh, reason you own him in fantasy. Red Sox should borrow some steel-toed boots and body armor from The Rathskeller bouncers.
Carlos Zambrano – Big Z mad! Big Z and Derrek Lee were seen going at in the dugout after Lee defended the Gatorade cooler’s honor. Big Z suspended! When he returns, he’ll be pitching out of the bullpen. Maybe the Cubs can work out some kind of in-game nursery where Big Z nannies while on the bullpen bench. Big Z nurtures!
Tyler Colvin – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 10th homer as he hit leadoff. I don’t think it continues, but there’s no reason why you shouldn’t own him now.
Carlos Marmol – 1 IP, 3 ER. Kazaam!
Paul Konerko – Hit his 20th homer while Vernon Wells hit his 19th as the Battle For Best Value From A Draft Pick That Everyone Yawned At continues.
Bobby Jenks – Left the club for a family emergency. Thornton or Putz will fill in for him. Or it could be Putz, Thornton. Or maybe Thornton Putz the III.
Chris Narveson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Wow, this was a spectac– Oh, this was vs. the Mariners.
John Axford – Recorded his 7th save. Hoffman’s actually done enough to warrant the closer role again, but Axford hasn’t done anything to lose it. That’s the pickle between the rock and the hard place.
Rickie Weeks – 4-for-5 as he hit his 13th homer. All you Weeks owners out there, you’re playing with house money and I hope the Injury Reaper comes to collect soon.
Chone Figgins – Not sure if his shipment of Red Bull just came in, but he has 7 steals in his last 5 games. Figgy Smalls is the stealie-est.
Russell Branyan – Acquired by the Mariners. First, the Orioles acquire Jake Fox, now the M’s get Branyan. Maybe the Pirates can get Xavier Nady next. As for Branyan, his value stays the same. He hits homers (10 in 171 ABs) and that’s about it.
Evan Longoria – Longoria and Upton went at it yesterday for Upton’s lack of hustle and the pass he made at Tony Parker. I heard about the fight before seeing the replay (Upton was lollygagging), but it didn’t surprise me at all. I was watching the Rays the other day and Upton hit a grounder that he wouldn’t have beat out, but he still could’ve ran down the line. Someone should smack a 44-cent stamp on Eckstein’s forehead and ship him to Tampa so he can have an instructional seminar about running to first. Or maybe we can have a three inning exhibition held during All-Star Game weekend with the All-Effort Team taking on the Effortless Team.
Brennan Boesch – 2-for-5 with his 12th homer. Where have I heard his name before? Oh, I know! Every Razzball roundup for the last month. Geez, you’d think I’d know since I’m the one in charge of cracking the whip at the 100 monkeys who write this shizz.
Tommy Hanson – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. Kinda sucks if you own him, but I don’t so… Schadenfreude, snitches!
Johnny Damon – 1-for-4 with two steals. Did Jules stab him in the heart with some adrenaline? Man, did Damon get old fast. He reminds me of Randy Winn. You are not a better man than I, Jandy Dinn.
Brett Cecil – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks. Last time I talked about how Cecil could have a tired arm. This time I’d like to say he’s unstartable.
Scott Baker – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks. Through 96 IP, he has 83 Ks to 19 BBs and his home games are in a pitcher’s park. His 4.97 ERA just isn’t computing, but unless you and your leaguemates get together at the end of the year and discuss what your ERA should really be, you can’t afford to keep running Baker out there.
Jonathon Niese – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks and calmly explained to Julie why she shouldn’t call Heather B. “her sista.”
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4 with 2 homers. If loving Choo’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Kerry Wood – Wood will be traded to someone, who will regret it, and Chris Perez will take over. That’s your cue to grab Perez.
Matt LaPorta – Will take over for Branyan and play every day. Decent flyer for AL-Only leagues and 20 team leagues that use only Cleveland Indian players.
Mitch Talbot – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 3.88 ERA on the year. That’s nice, I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.
Jaime Garcia – 2 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 0 Ks. It’s a bird, it’s a plane… Oh, crap, it’s Jaime Garcia falling back to earth. Watch out!
Colby Rasmus – 2nd homer in two games and now has 16 homers on the year. Okay, I get it. You’re breaking out, I was wrong to say to sell you. Message received, loud and clear. I won’t even bother reiterating how your HR/FB is too high.
Will Venable – 3 homers and 2 steals in the last week while batting near .350. Sure, grab him while hot, but next week it could be back to Will Unable.
Luke Gregerson – Got the save yesterday as Bell had the day off. I wonder if he went to Sea World.
Billy Wagner – Had a cortisone shot on his ankle on Saturday, but says he’ll be good to go for the next save opp. Peter Moylan or Saito, in reverse order, would fill in if need be.
Lastings Milledge – Hit his first homer of the year yesterday. Yes, like first first. That’s pretty gangsta, Lastings. You should write a rap song about how Jody Gerut is outhomering you in 150 less at-bats.
Ian Stewart – Now has two homers in the last five games. It’s not quite the Mini Mini Donkey punch we all want, but it’s a start.
Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks. It’s pronounced Yo-lease and 12 Ks is “Yo, nice!” Now has 71 Ks in 66 2/3 IP, while making it look yo-leasy. Coors is terrifying in mixed leagues, but Jhoulys is out pitching a bunch of better bets right now. Member the courage you didn’t have to draft Ubaldo? Here’s your chance for redemption.
Mike Napoli – Hit a homer yesterday. Word out of Bobby Grichville is the Angels are shopping Napoli. Napoli should’ve seen it coming when Scioscia kissed Napoli on the lips at the Angels New Year’s Eve party and told him he broke his heart.
Edwin Jackson – Good for Edwin, though this was the ugliest no-hitter since Bob Forsch threw one in 1983. And that was only ugly because Willie McGee was on the field.