While you’re taking time from your family to read this on this beautiful Fourth of July, I just want to say a few quick thank yous. *intern whispers in my ear* I’m told Thanksgiving is the time for that thanking people crap and the 4th of July is for hot dogs, red, white and blue Jell-o shots and almost losing a finger when a fuse goes off prematurely — that’s what she said! Huh? You know what’s more apple pie (appley-er?) than the 4th of July? A guy that was once lost in the abyss of self-despair and Fruit Loops making good– Wait that’s the intro for Celebrity Fit Club. Okay, better than apple pie is a guy that looks like a stick figure and pitches like Adrian Adonis (in his heyday, obviously), and going into Coors and taming the mountain better than the Red Viper. Zack Greinke threw 8 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners and 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.66. His peripherals aren’t much worse either — 9.6 K/9, 1.8 BB/9 and a 2.72 xFIP. He’s pretty much a top five pitcher. So, on today, when we celebrate flashes of color in the sky and a bunch of drunk white guys signing parchment 238 years ago, let’s raise our fruity, rum-filled concoction and toast Greinke. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-2 and left the game early. Ah, the ol’ play one game so you can’t even backdate a DL stint. Yeah, this is gonna end well. Mattingly said Hanley will be in and out of the lineup until the All-Star Break. Okay, let’s assume that Hanley can play and not further aggravate his injury. Is five days off over the All-Star Break really going to be enough or is he going to let this injury linger into the 2nd half? Not a rhetorical. This is a simple question that Mattingly would’ve been asking himself if he never shaved his mustache.
Addison Reed – Kirk Gibson gave Reed the dreaded vote of confidence, saying, “He’s done a pretty good job for us. We’ve had no discussions about removing him. You might feel differently, but we don’t.” Let’s break that down in pieces. “He’s done a good job.” In what world? Opposite world? “We’ve had no discussions.” Is this a matter of semantics and they only talk by handing notes to each other? Is Kirk and his coaches not on speaking terms? Or is he simply saying that it’s so obvious Reed sucks that they don’t need to belabor the point? The only other scenario I can think of is they have actually had no discussions because they are completely negligent. If they were thinking about winning games, they’d at least discuss their struggling closer. “You might feel differently.” Don’t turn it around like this is all conjured up in our head! Prior to even finishing Gibson’s quote, I picked up Brad Ziegler.
David Peralta – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Move over, Rasmus, there’s a new short schedule sheriff in town! Okay, in fairness, Peralta is hitting over .400 in the last week. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column that’s coming later today, but he could’ve been. How’s dem apples? Delicious!
Brandon McCarthy – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 5.01. Nice blue jeans, bad pitcher.
Vance Worley – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, raising his ERA to 2.28. Before you jump out of your inner tube and rip off your water wings, his ERA is in only 27 2/3 IP. He has a 5.9 K/9 and a 1.6 BB/9. Those are, how do I say, not good. He averages a 89 MPH fastball and… What happened? I totally just dozed off. Did I miss something? Oh, Worley. No, I didn’t miss anything.
Allen Craig – Sat out yesterday so Oscar Taveras (1-for-5, 1 RBI) could start. Is it too late to sell Craig for pennies on the dollar? Do kids under the age of fifteen know what a penny is? Can we start saying “selling someone for bitcoins on the bitdollar?” I have questions, y’all!
Carlos Martinez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Dustin Hoffman is running through Central Park alongside a pedaling Carlos Martinez, and…Carlos is peddling by himself, no training wheels…He’s doing it! Then he falls off a jungle gym and Dustin Hoffman has to carry Martinez all the way to the emergency room. Later, Meryl Streep uses that as a reason to not let Martinez live with Hoffman. *Matheny shoots up in his bed, sweating* Phew, Matheny’s dream is scarily similar to Kramer vs. Kramer. Hopefully, Matheny gets over it and takes the training wheels off Martinez soon.
Jon Jay – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. I batty called the Federalist yesterday and he didn’t disappoint. He always seems to hit Bumgarner well. Maybe because he’s thinking of Dolly Madison. That floozy!
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. While we wait for J.J. Hardy to have the season he’s supposed to, Peralta is having it. Which is to say, the occasional homer and hitting under .250. May your nipples be superfluous, but not your H’s!
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-4, 1 run. Hot dog! I wasn’t excited. I was literally eating a hot dog. God bless the United States of A and nitrates!
Yadier Molina – 3-for-4, 1 run. With the holiday weekend, Molina has his brothers in attendance. Unfortunately, about a thousand people lost their seats.
Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. Burpgarner.
Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.12. He was the tough luck loser when Diekman blew the game. Diekman is exactly the kind of contradiction that we embrace on this day of our independence, but speaking from someone who streamed Kendrick, “That’s bull, Diekman!”
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-4, 2 runs. OZUNA spray hitter; OZUNA score twice; OZUNA take nap.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-2, 1 RBI. He had a ball playing against the Phillies. His grandfather used to tell him about watching Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley and there they were. In the flesh! Golly!
Logan Forsythe – Sat out yesterday because he’s hitting .458 in the last week, but he farted and wafted it into an elderly woman’s face, and Maddon’s just not having that.
Erik Bedard – 2 IP, 6 ER. What a bomb. More like Erik Petard. When I wrote that, I said bam like Emeril.
Victor Martinez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. This is getting ridiculous. I really wish a random journalist would accuse V-Mart of PEDs already. Could someone from the Cleveland Plain Dealer at least start rummaging through the Tigers trash?
Torii Hunter – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. There’s obviously enough brain custard to go around for all Zombinos. “Hey, V-Mart, you got a stain on your dirt casket. Ah, made you look!” That Torii is a prankster.
Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-4, 4 runs. Pays to have two Zombinos behind you; you can just walk home. Literally, walk. You don’t need to run.
Austin Jackson – 2-for-5, 1 run. Don’t look now — stop shielding your eyes, it’s a figure of speech — but Jackson has been leading off and is 5 for his last 10. If he was dropped in your league, I’d give him a look.
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. I love Scherzer so don’t take this the wrong way, but the Rays aren’t good this year, and yesterday they sent out their B-squad. Vince Belnome was their DH. Vince Belnome is a meathead from Staten Island who is a contestant on Cutthroat Kitchen, he’s not a DH.
Ian Kinsler – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. My updates on Kinsler this year have been sparingly doled out for fear I will jinx him. He’s doing well; let’s move on.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting .347. Beejeebus, he’s on fire. Will someone please move his bat to a high shelf? Rudy owns him and it’s killing me!
Matt Shoemaker – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks. That Shoemaker can sure cobble together a decent stream.
David Freese – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a home run on Wednesday. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he looks like he’s starting a small hot schmotato session.
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. Member when I told you to sell him when he was hitting .320? He’s now hitting .254. Yup.
Steve Pearce – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and 2 steals. You can’t stop him. You can only hope he gets gagged, put in a gorilla suit and shipped to Africa. I just went over my Steve Pearce fantasy. Yes, of course, you should own him.
Josh Donaldson – Missed two straight days with a stiff back. In a reverse Inspector Clouseau move, Donaldson tried to get a massage, but the bell clerk just gave him a message.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Toronto. I hope you had the testicular fortitude to start my boy, Sonny. Always trust in Gra/ey.
Sean Doolittle – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. After more touch and go games than your pervy uncle, it looks like Doolittle was able to right the ship.
Colby Rasmus – Sat out yesterday with a wrist injury and it sounds like he’s going to be out for a few days. It’s not clear how Rasmus hurt himself. I heard it was from trying to get Lawrie to sit still.
Phil Hughes – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies have sparklers left off from a random Tuesday night when they felt like being festive, the Regression Fairies are the ones that brought the Soyrizo to the BBQ and they will rip your heart out.
Yangervis Solarte – Demoted because he didn’t want to eat dinner at 4 PM. Now the Yankees can go move around unencumbered, except, of course for their plastic baggies of vitamins and arthritis pills.
Zelous Wheeler – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a homer. Was called up to take Solarte’s place on the roster. Zelous is the definition of a player that plays with great passion and enthusiasm. Too bad it doesn’t show in his stats. Maybe he’ll catch pitchers off guard, but he has middle infielder pop at 3rd base.
Carlos Beltran – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. He’s been hideous so far in the big picture — no, that’s not a Zombino crack — but he has hit a bit better in the very short term (the last five games).
CC Sabathia – His knee swelled up and he’s headed for an MRI. When he was fat, his knee would’ve just looked ‘normal.’ Too bad, he’s now missing out on The Perks of Being a Wallflowchart of Heart Disease.
Alfredo Aceves – Suspended for 50 games for marijuana use. Why suspend him now? He went to pot years ago.