Yoenis Cespedes homered in yesterday’s second day of kinda real baseball played about six hours before I wake up. I wonder where Cespedes is being drafted now. When Rudy and I took our giant beach balls to early March drafts and took Cespedes in a bunch of drafts, he was going cheap. I wonder if now all those other ‘perts are suddenly stepping up because others are excited about him. I wonder if everyone else is a Monday morning quarterback with their advice. I wonder if Yoenis will hit 30 mistake pitch homers. I wonder if he’ll make adjustments and hit for a decent average too. I wonder how this would sound read by Morgan Freeman. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training (and real baseball) for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. I still wouldn’t go near him with a three foot churro. (Only partly because waving a three foot churro near Bartolo would be similar to going to a grizzly bear observatory wearing nothing, but bikini briefs made of Marshmallow Fluff. Talk about a Fluffernutter — oofa!)
Mike Carp – Mike Sashimi ended up on the DL after one game playing in Japan. He should’ve never said, “Come on, pal! Fugu me!”
Jason Vargas – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. I think Vargas is gonna have one of those seasons where you think because he’s the Mariners’ number two that he’s gonna take a number two on your stats, but he won’t. For now, I’ll call him a Marginer with future appeal.
Jesus Montero – 1-for-3 as he started his 2nd straight game at DH. Uh-oh. I was hoping to see Montero start at least one of these games at catcher, but now it’s looking like he may only start when Olivo rests, which would mean once or twice a week behind the plate for Montero and mid-May for catcher eligibility.
Dustin Ackley – 0-for-4, knocking his season pace down to 81/81, but will probably come closer to 8/8, which looks like what Dorothy Hamill would put after her signature.
Justin Smoak – 1-for-4 with a homer. Is there anything more satisfying than a home run for a guy you pick for two games before the season (actually) starts? It was almost as satisfying to drop him right after. It was like a one night stand where everyone has the same expectations. (I promise you when there’s a full slate of games I won’t talk this much about the A’s and M’s.)
Jonathan Broxton – Royals are leaning towards Broxton for the closer role. Perhaps a see-saw isn’t the fairest way to determine who should get saves. Broxton is such a wild card at this point that you have to hold onto Holland in most leagues until he shows some level of dominance/health.
Carl Crawford – Looking at returning at the end of April. With a wrist injury, I’d choose to March. Valentine said he’ll only need 50 ABs in rehab, I said, “No, no, no.”
Bobby Abreu – The Los Angeles Suburb of Los Angeles Angels almost got rid of the Abreu-tross from around their DH neck last night. He came inches from being an Indian, but now the chances of it happening have reduced to 50%. If it happens, it’s better for both clubs. I’m just not sure how much better it will be for Kendrys’s playing time. Abreu wasn’t stealing much time from him anyway. Stealing time from Kendrys is the fact that he missed 273 games in the last two years because he celebrates like a buffoon. Angels have already said Kendrys will sit vs. lefties because of health. Not because of the sourpuss with the big contract that they can’t get rid of. Yeah, I used the word sourpuss. Now get off my lawn!
Freddy Sanchez – Expected to start the year on the DL. Welcome to the club, we expected that in October of 2010. That’s like predicting a fart two years from now will smell.
Jeff Samardzija – Won a spot in the Cubs’ rotation. He’ll be in the first Buy/Sell of the season later today. You can hardly wait. No, you.
Chris Perez – In five pitches, he threw a complete inning. After the game, he said, “The quicker the inning, the more time for mullet grooming.” He should be fine for Opening Day (The One Not Starting Between 3 AM and 6 AM.)
Scott Podsednik – Told reporters he’s not making the Phils’ roster with them opting for Juan Pierre. Can’t him and Juan Pierre get into one pair of Ryan Howard’s pants and be a stealing hybrid that sounds like a French revolutionary, Robspierre.
Adam LaRoche – Returned to the Nats lineup after nursing a foot injury for, like, two weeks. Is it me or is LaRoche always hurt? He should change his name to Adam LaOuch.
Carl Pavano – A police search warrant revealed that a classmate of Pavano threatened to reveal a homosexual affair with the pitcher if he didn’t buy him an SUV. I’ll never look at his porn mustache the same.