Drew Storen is headed to see Dr. Freeze. Here’s what I said about three weeks ago, “Drew Storen had arm discomfort… About two weeks ago (so that was about five weeks ago now; this is me adding an addendum — Hey! Okay, back to the quote). He hasn’t pitched in a game since March 7th (that’s more than a month ago; okay, maybe I didn’t need to clarify that) and had soreness in his biceps playing catch yesterday (that’s less than a month ago, but more than three weeks ago… Oh, forget. I’m coming out of this quote.)” And that’s me coming out of my quote prematurely! That’s what she said! Wait, huh? My guess is Storen will probably be out for a few months. You don’t go see Dr. Freeze for the lollipops. Unless he’s removing your arm and giving you lollipop appendages. “Hey, guys, stop calling me a Dum-Dum and I’m serious!” We shall see on when Storen will return. I’ve been preaching about Henry Rodriguez for about three weeks too. He’s a wild cat. Yesterday, he came in and seduced me with his filth, but left me sad and alone with the wild. (The preceding was not an excerpt from my soon to be released western novel, “Saddle Up To My Stache.”) If HanK-Rod is still out there, I’d grab him. If Lidge is out there, I’d grab him too. I’m pretty sure Davey will decide on one closer within the next week or so and you’ll be able to drop the guy not getting saves. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Anibal Sanchez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. It’s a solid start, so I’m not gonna complain too much, which is obviously leading into me complaining. Now, it’s the first start of the year for Anibal, couldn’t we have been happy with 6 strong innings and not sent him out there to give up two runs in the 7th? Stupid Ozzie! (By the way, I made “Stupid Ozzie” a shortcut on my computer. Now whenever I type “St” it fills in the rest with Stupid Ozzie.)
Giancarlo Stupid Ozzie – Was scratched with knee pain. The Marlins aren’t that concerned, but the Marlins also decided to put a giant sculpture of unicorn vomit in their outfield, so I’m not sure how much we should trust them.
Omar Infante – 2-for-4 with 2 homers, and now has 3 homers on the year. Look at the Infante getting all grown up. Who’s the big boy? You’re the big boy.
Emilio Bonifacio – 3-for-4 with his 4th steal in 5 games. Was actually kinda bummed I didn’t draft Bonifacio on any teams. I was like three Phillie Blunts high on him when I did my rankings. Oh, well, can’t get everyone I suppose, especially when Rudy refused to draft him on any of our teams. *shakes fist* Rudy!
Brandon Phillips – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring cramp. Doesn’t Midol make something for that?
Jonathan Papelbon – 1 IP, 1 ER. Kazaam!
Jhoulys Chacin – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Worst thing you can do is overreact early on to one start or a few oh-fer’s. With that said, Yo-Lease is a mess. His velocity’s down, his walks are up, he’s probably dealing with an injury…. It’s what got Khalil Greene in the end, the Silent H is too much of a burden! Yo-lease is up, move out!
Dexter Fowler – 0-for-4 yesterday as he was dropped from leadoff to the two hole. The way he’s hitting the two hole may be appropriate figuratively, but he’s literally going to be in the eight hole soon.
Barry Zito – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks as he threw his first shutout since 2003. After the game, Zito celebrated with a dip in the jay-couz. (<–PNSFWUYWAAPPC — Potentially Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production Company)
Daniel Bard – Red Sox reiterated that they want Bard as a starter. We shall see how they feel after Bard’s start on Tuesday vs. the Blue Jays. I’m putting the over/under for runs at 5 and the walks at 4. Anyone want any action?
Alfredo Aceves – Threw a perfect inning to get the save. For now, Red Sox Nation delayed their trip to Lake Tahoe with ‘fredo.
Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper could be activated for Tuesday. He’s probably hoping to get in the lineup immediately, so he can get injured again by the weekend.
C.J. Wilson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as he held the heart of the Twins order to… Hmm, where is the heart of the Twins order?
Hector Noesi – 3 IP, 7ER and Yu Darvish (5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks) as they combined to throw more hangers than Joan Crawford.
Josh Hamilton – 3-for-5 with a homer as he whet someone’s appetite for dance.
Brett Gardner – 1-for-1 with a steal. Since he wasn’t very good against lefties, Girardi is using a platoon with Andruw Jones and a Waterpik to get between his braces. Firstly, Gardner still gets in the game and steals a base (the reason you have him). Secondly, this platoon sticks if Gardner doesn’t hit. Last year, he hit .194 in April and .233 vs. lefties, so maybe he’s doing us a favor. Thirdly, the platoon only sticks if the Yankees’ old and wonky lineup stays healthy. Fourthly, there’s no fourthly.
Jake Westbrook – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Zoinks! The Ghost of Dave Duncan left a walkthrough for Jake and his friends to Escape from Great American Ballpark.
David Freese – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer. I’ll admit that I’m surprised by Freese’s fast start. I thought he was an Ecksteinian (which looks odd, but Ecksteinesque sounded weird in my head) type MVP and he’d go back to being a role player. Now, he’s just looking like he’s on a roll, player!
Chris Sale – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. If you’re joining us late — where you been?! You missed about 20,000 offseason words. I’ll summarize. Yadda Anibal yadda Bruce yadda Anibal yadda Bruce yadda Bumgarner yadda ouch my Bum yadda Anibal and my Chris Sale fantasy.
Hector Santiago – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save. Honestly, how long you think this Santiago thing is gonna last? Two weeks? Three weeks? A month? I’m thinking maybe three weeks.
Henderson Alvarez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. Here’s what I said in the past about Alvarez, “Ground ball, pitch-to-contact pitcher who doesn’t strike out a whole lot of hitters. In other words, the complete antithesis to every other Blue Jay pitcher. Not wild, low Ks, kinda boring.” And that’s me quoting me! I’m not a big fan, but he could have match-up potential.
Sergio Santos – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners and the blown save. Red light, Chinese fire drill, pick up Francisco Cordero, get back in the car, buckle up, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
Tommy Milone – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 0 Ks. He won’t have any Ks ever, which is usually a than, but no thans. But he will help you with your ratios. Yes, I’d grab him. Yes, right now.
Darwin Barney – 1-for-3 with a homer for The Purple Evolutionist. His best month last year was April. As Darwin will tell you, April is the beginning of all things (or at least baseball).
Bryan LaHair – 2-for-4 and a homer. When you put ‘power upside’ into Google translator, it spits back “Anything but James Loney. God, he annoys me. You should try LaHair in deep leagues. Now where’s my scotch?!” Geez, Google translator sounds a bit testy.
Brian Matusz – 4 IP, 4 ER. How’s that momentum from his spring training going?
Matt Wieters – 4-for-4 with his 2nd home run of the year. Matt Wieters Fact Number #367: He once porked Boog Powell’s daughter while singing “Ironic” by Alanis Morissette.
Frank Francisco – Terry Collins said that Francisco is still dealing with some knee inflammation, but he should be fine. If they need to rest him as the Mets go 162-0, they could turn to Jon Rauch or Miguel Batista, the poet laureate of baseball. When Miguel Batista heard the news, he said, “Francisco’s on an un-mended knee… When Terry needs help, he’ll call me, sí… If Francisco’s on the shelf for a while and not feeling spry, then they’ll call Rauch, especially if that shelf’s high,” then Batista took off his Mets hat that had a feather in it and bowed.