If you want to see the worst video you can imagine, here’s Aroldis getting hit in the face by a line drive. I say it’s the worst video, not because of the graphic content, but because it looks it was shot by a blind man who has really large fingers. Which has me thinking, does braille come in different sizes? Things that make you go hmm… So, Aroldis Chapman got hit in the face by a comebacker off of Salvador Perez’s bat and needed to get carted off the field and taken straight to the hospital. No amount of weird stories about Aroldis coming home to find women tied to his bed, claiming they were kidnapped, makes what happened to Aroldis right. No amount of stories of him doing 150 MPH in a school zone, drag racing against Puig, makes this right. Aroldis can throw puppies in the air and say he’s making it rain for pussycats and it doesn’t make it okay. Though, I did rush to the waiver wire looking for J.J. Hoover just in case Aroldis would be out for a while, then I went looking for Jonathon Broxton. Fantasy baseball, you make me a bad person! I’d add Hoover and Broxton, just in case Aroldis is out for a while. Right now, I’d guess he misses a month with a fractured nose and a fracture above his eye. Anyway, here’s what else I’ve seen in Spring Training for 2014 fantasy baseball:
Mat Latos – Threw two frames and reported no problems with his knee. He said he was so pumped up on the mound that he was shaking from adrenaline. I say lay off the Red Bulls.
Erik Bedard – Says if he doesn’t make the Rays, he will opt-out of his contract instead of going to the minors and try to find a deal elsewhere. His exact words were, “There’s a lot of starters who have been hurt so there’s a lot of chances and I’ll probably go somewhere else.” Well, ain’t that the kettle trying to get rich on the pot’s blackness.
Daisuke Matsuzaka – Favorite for the Mets 5th starter job. The Mets decided to roll the Dice-K since they’re foreseeing lots of craps this year.
Cole Hamels – Threw a successful bullpen session. His target date right now is end of April, beginning of May. Jimmy Rollins said, “The sooner he’s back the sooner I can blame shizz on him and get Sandberg off my back.”
Freddy Galvis – Sidelined for a few days after having an abscess removed from his knee. Sandberg said, “I wish this team were a knee and Rollins were an abscess.”
Carlos Martinez – Word on the street is he’s going into the bullpen. Word on the street can SUCK MY– Shoulder Angel, “Breathe, Grey, it’s gonna be okay.” But I need him in the rotation for my NFBC team! “Here, have a Chupa Chups lollipop.” Thanks, Shoulder Angel.
Aaron Hicks – Twins assistant general manager said, “Hicks hasn’t been anything special this spring. Neither has (Alex) Presley. There’s your center field battle. I wish somebody would step up and earn a job. Nobody’s really doing that.” In related news, Twins fans said, “We’re really hoping someone in the front office steps up and gets us some decent players, but no one has really done that.”
Omar Infante – Received a cortisone shot in his sore elbow. Hopefully that pacifies the Infante.
Carlos Correa – Feels fine after being beaned on the hand. Member beanie babies? Those things were lame. Sorry, forgot to take my Adderall.
Yordano Ventura – Ned Yost said he could throw 180-200 innings this year. My Cougar’s like, “Why don’t you want to sex me anymore?” and I’m like, “Baby, I got a headache,” and she’s like, “Let me put on this Yordano Ventura jersey,” and I’m like, “Give me some sugar.”
Mike Minor – Won’t return until mid-April. That’s only missing two starts, so I’m not going to adjust my rankings/projections, but if he has one setback that could push his timetable until mid-May. This doesn’t sound like a huge problem. I mean, it’s his urethra, how big could it be?
Tommy Hunter – Lots of talk centering around who is going to close in Houston or Texas or Cincy. Not a whole lot of people pointing to Baltimore as a bullpen that is going to be in turmoil all year. I’ve already drafted Darren O’Day, and foresee a mad scramble to waivers in April with people asking me if they should pick up O’Day or Ryan Webb. Right now, I’m not entirely sure. A case could be made for either. Or eye-thurr, if Mystikal is reading.
Taijuan Walker – Threw a successful bullpen session that included curveballs and he said, “all felt great.” You know who else feels great? Me, for drafting him.
Alexi Ogando – Might get bumped to the bullpen because the Texas rotation isn’t enough of a mess. There’s now six warm bodies for three spots: Tommy Hanson, Ogando, Joe Saunders, Robbie Ross, Colby Lewis, Tanner Scheppers, i.e., burp, fart, shart, burp that brings on vomit, egg fart, middle reliever.