This year was a big year for Christian Yelich. He got his driver’s permit, went to the Junior Prom with a senior (!), his parents got a divorce, went on an adventure with his friends where they discovered a dead body in the forest and stumbled on the killers, solved that murder and got his braces off. Even with all of that, there was one thing that stood out as the most important part of his summer — his call-up to the majors. He’s the Doogie Howser of major league baseball. At the age of sixteen, he shouldn’t be playing this well. He should need some time to adjust. His head should be preoccupied with new responsibilities. Like memorizing emergency phone numbers, writing his last name in all of his tighty-whiteys or getting Jimmy Lunkin to secure him a fake ID so he can sneak into R-rated films. Still, with all of this, he’s managed to hit for a solid average with three homers and six steals in forty games. On top of that, he’s got the hottest bat in the majors right now, hitting near .500 in the last week with three of those steals and one of those dingers. I’d grab him in every league. Hurry before homework from the new school year bogs him down. Anyway, here’s some players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Billy Hamilton – He’s so fast he just ran into your home, boiled water, poured it into a Cup ‘o Noodles, sat down on the corner of your desk, ate his soup and ran back out of your house without you even seeing him!
Angel Pagan – I think his name value is higher than his actual value for most leagues. What I mean is, you see his name, you know him from previous seasons and you think he’s the one to grab, but he’s not playing every day and in most leagues there’s better guys to grab.
Avisail Garcia – Don’t hold it against him that his mom, Lorena, is a sell-out, shilling for Taco Bell. Focus instead on the fact that he’s been as valuable as Hanley, David Ortiz and De Aza, according to our 30-day Player Rater.
Jarrod Dyson – For as fast as Hamilton is, Dyson didn’t make instant soup when he ran through your house, instead he made a broth from scratch.
Denard Span – It’s like the go-go 80’s when players were doing blow while standing on 1st base (at least those playing against the Mets). Everywhere you look people are running. It’s a SAGNOF renaissance! Span was wholly disappointing to start the year, but has turned it on as of late.
Alex Presley – Thank you, thank you very much for putting me in the Buy. Was that the worst Elvis impersonation you’ve ever heard? Sorry, I don’t do voices.
Zack Cozart – It’s a very special two weeks when Cozart manages to stay hot for that long, but he’s doing it right now. Hitting .291 in the 2nd half with solid counting stats. Where his speed went, I have no idea. I mean, he’s not a 30-steal guy, but at least attempt a steal. Don’t compare yourself to Hamilton; it’ll just damage your self-esteem.
Josh Rutledge – Here’s a look behind the scenes at Razzball HQ. I ping Rudy and ask him for a title for so-and-so lede. For those of you who don’t know, Rudy comes up with 95% of the titles. I’ll be like, “I need a buy title for Yelich.” He’ll IM me back the title and I go from there. My credo is why say something in five words that can be said in 120 words. So, Rudy’s more succinct in his cleverness. So, I originally pinged him for this buy saying, “I need a title for a Buy on Rutledge.” *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* I pinged him back, “You’re right, let’s do Yelich.” He didn’t even need to say anything. Rutledge is the Jeopardy answer to the question, how much can one man burn me before I stop going back? With that said, Rutledge has been hitting since his recent promotion.
Matt Adams – Just went over him this morning. Do yourself a solid and go read it. It was brilliant in its simplicity!
Mark Reynolds – Oh, how the mighty have fallen, which could be used to describe the whole Yankees team. Mini Donkey doesn’t play close to every day, but when he plays in The Stadium They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built, he’s always a threat to go deep (or K four times).
Pedro Strop – Here’s what I said the other day, “Dale Sveum said Strop could see save chances. Well, he actually said, “Strop could saveum svum ove eum games.” He started Hooked on Phonics, and now he’s just addicted. When Sveum hands the ball off to his closer, he says, “All right, kid, let’s put an A in my last name.” When he buys a doggie bed from the Sky Mall catalog, he tells his wife, “Arfer Woofruff will ruff it.” When Dale goes to the movies, he shushes people who are shushing other people. Living with Dale Sveum is a real chore. I went to pick up Strop in one league, but he was already gone. I could see grabbing him in any league where you need saves. He’s been fine the last month and it would make sense for the Cubs to give him an opportunity to show them he can close for next year. So, Strop yourself in for a bumpy ride!” And that’s me quoting me!
Scott Kazmir – These starters are all going by the Stream-o-Nator. Besides the top 20 starters overall, you really should only be looking at a pitcher’s next matchup. Kazmir gets the Mess next. That’s, how do you say in English, good?
Juan Nicasio – As soon as the games started yesterday, I dropped a player to grab Nicasio for tonight’s start in Petco. You need to be that proactive too! No, I don’t mean the acne treatment; I’m not as judgmental as your mother.
Dan Straily – He’s home vs. the Asstros. I’m sorry, but he should be at 100% owned right now. I don’t care if you were busy with your third child being born. No excuses! You have two other kids, let them go to the hospital with your wife for moral support!
Brandon McCarthy – Right now on my iTunes, I’m listening to Pitbull say, “My girl got a big ol’ booty, your girl got a little ol’ booty.” He really has a way with words. Has any rapper made more with less? He rhymes Kodak with Kodak, booty with booty, worldwide with worldwide. I’m gonna shave my head, don a dapper-as-f*ck suit and start rhyming, “McCarthy is a good pick up against the Giants, in this fantasy game I’m a Giant! I don’t like McCarthy in the big picture; baby, take a picture! Just drop McCarthy after the game; I got crazy game! Only drawback is this game isn’t against The Freak, baby, I’m freaky, baby!”
Justin Masterson – You guys had a good run. Send him a postcard from Epcot and cut him loose.
Hiroki Kuroda – He could fix himself after his last four disastrous starts, and that cold sore on your lip could really be from too much sun.
Carlos Gonzalez – I get why they do undroppable players. It’s because of knuckleheads like everyone else but you. They should lift that restriction on September 1st. No one is undroppable after the rosters expand and everyone is gettable, or whatever that line is from a mafia movie that you’ve seen a few too many times. Right now, CarGo’s acting as a defensive replacement. The Rockies should be required to go in front of the players union and explain in 1200 words how on earth it makes sense to send their star player out there to play the field. You send the kid, who sits on the end of the bench picking his nose, out to play defense! You send in Brendan Ryan for defense! You don’t send in a guy you want healthy next year so he could potentially go 30/30! Everyone on the Rockies should be fired, starting with Todd Helton. You’re 54 years old; become a batting coach, you’re done!