Welcome to the year end Razzball awards. I’m your host, Grey Albright and I’m joined by Random Italicized Voice, Hey. Also, on the red carpet for everyone’s arrival we have, Comatose Blue Jays Fan, “Hurry up, the Blue Jays are gonna be facing the Yankees tonight on Fox.” And up in the balcony critiquing everyone’s outfits we have Clunky Segue, “As I was saying…” Before the show even begins, we have a very special musical guest, Lighter Shade of Brown! Live from opening for Kanye West! Not playing on stage with him, but literally opening doors for him. They now work as doormen. At hotels. It’s very sad. Anyway, here’s the 2013 Razzball Year End Awards:
Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – The easy choice here would be Miguel Cabrera, and I’m not one for making things hard. Miguel Cabrera, do you accept this award in honor of all the men and women who have serviced themselves thinking of you?
Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – Paul Goldschmidt. Au Shizz! Let’s go back into our Way Back Machine and look at Why Goldschmidt is better than your other 2nd round pick? A few key commenters in that post were naysayers. Guess that’s better than being like Sarah Jessica Parker, who is a neigh-sayer.
Fantasy AL Cy Young – This was a tough call for the Razzball voting panel. See, cause the panel is made of a hundred monkeys wearing organ grinder outfits and when I showed them a picture of Max Scherzer, they scratched their ass. Wait, that is the BBWAA. I’m picking these awards on my own. Yeah, Scherzer wins.
Fantasy NL Cy Young – This is a toss up between Clayton Kershaw and nobody. Since the only ones voting for nobody were other nobodies, Kershaw took this one in a walk.
Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – As much as I’d like to give Salvador Perez and his dead abuelita this award, he’d just put it on her gravestone. Plus, he was just a catcher. So whatevs. I’m going to give it to Josh Hamilton, though I could’ve gave it to his teammate, Albert Pujols too. Pujols at least had the decency to get injured so you could replace him. Hamilton just shat a brick, then built a shathouse with his shat-out bricks and burned the walls so it stunk up your entire team. If you won your league with Hamilton, it was in spite of him.
Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – There is a lot of legitimate options for this title. I’d love to give it to Matt Kemp, but the winner (loser?) was ranked in the preseason above him and gave you a whole lot of nothing, then was suspended for 65 games. For good measure, we’re gonna be shipping Ryan Braun his award via FedEx.
Fantasy POS – The POS award goes to the guy that gave me the biggest ulcer this year, like a rancid gyro with spoiled tahini… Congratulations, Mike Moustakas. Way to forget how to hit. Accepting the award on Moustakas’s behalf is Ike Davis. Ike, we can’t hear you, step two feet closer to the microphone. Ike, you’re backing away from the mic. Ike, you’re going to fall off the stage you’re so far from the mic. Oh, eff it, Ike Davis you get to share the award with Moustakas. You were both Fantasy POS’s.
Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – Oh my God, Will Venable is hitting! I must rush to waivers! Hmm… Now I don’t think he is. Wait! He is again! Well, maybe he isn’t. No, he definitely is! Yes! No! He’s in Petco this week and not hitting! He’s on the road this week and hitting! Let me ask Grey!
Player You Had Forever and Most Wanted to Drop – You, “I don’t care if Wilin Rosario gets 28 homers, I just want to drop him.” Me, “Just hold him.” You, “Okay… Well, what if Jason Castro is available?”
Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – “Really, Brian Dozier? That’s who I’m supposed to pick up? Hmm… What about Wilin Rosario? I just dropped him.”
Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – Justin Masterson. “The Stream-o-Nator says I should grab Masterson, but he goes against the Yankees next, then Texas then…Someone just dropped Dickey, should I switch them?”
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – Chris Davis. By mid-June, everything Davis gave you was icing and now you’re diabetic. You’re welcome.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin – Jeff Locke. “I have a 2-something ERA from Jeff Locke and Grey’s telling me to drop him? Yeah, we’ll see how well that works out for others– Gah! That’s a swift kick in my man jewels! Man jewels down! Or…is…it…up?”
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It – Domonic Brown. Sure, his last stretch was far from pleasant, but when a guy gives you 27 homers in four and a half months, you’ll take a Septumbler. Jason Kipnis was the runner-up for this award due to a very favorable 9.3 from the Russian judge.
Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – “It’s June 1st and someone just offered me Bobby Parnell and Ryan Braun, who’s due back any day from his thumb injury, for Chris Davis… I have to take this, right?”
Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted – “I understand he’s playing slightly over his head in April, but I have a feeling this is the year Justin Upton really puts together a full season of delicious. I might even throw in Jose Fernandez for s’s and g’s.”
Top SAGNOF – Rajai Davis/Edward Mujica (tie) Remember, the essence of SAGNOF is cheap saves and steals. There were no cheaper guys for those two stats that gave that much value. Eric Young Jr. and Kevin Gregg came in a close second.
Player Who Pulled A Kotchman – Matt Kemp. “He’s going to be healthy by the first week of April….Word is he’ll be healthy by the 2nd week in May… He’s back now, snitches! And now he’s hurt again. Can I hire Chris Brown to beat him up?”
Biggest Waste Of A Razzball Nickname – Mini Donkey. A close second was Mini Mini Donkey. Past winners include Krispie Young and Sparkakis.
Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – Justin Verlander. There’s some sort of Venn diagram to be made from Kate Upton, Justin Upton, B.J. Upton and Verlander. Or maybe it’s six degrees of Upton separation. Or maybe it’s just CC Sabathia should’ve got this award. Or Yovani Gallardo. Or R.A. Dickey. Or Jeff Schmuckzija.