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Welcome to the year end Razzball Awards!  Or as they call them in New Jersey, the “What’s this crap?”  Unlike the ESPYs, you won’t have to wear a tux or listen to Derek Jeter try to be funny.  Speaking of Viagra — Vlad’s got one good leg and he’s not wearing a shoe on it.  Nope, for these awards, all you need to do is read.  What a novel concept!  Pun point, snitches!  Anyway, here’s the 2011 Razzball Year End Awards:

Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – Granderson made an interesting case for MVP, but it involved reading and I don’t do that.  Justin Verlander might’ve won this award if he wasn’t a pitcher (that’s a joke; don’t inundate the comments with how he should be the MVP even though he’s a pitcher).  So my AL Fantasy MVP is Jacoby Ellsbury.  When Ellsbury was asked how it felt to win the AL MVP Razzballie, he said, “How’d you get my address?”

Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – The day after opening day, I relayed this story, “A friend went to Kemp’s party after the Dodgers opening night win at a club here in LA.  Two hours after the win, Kemp was standing on the bar with two champagne bottles flipped over, pouring them into his mouth like he was a fountain.”  Hey, it worked for Miggy and Mickey Mantle too.  Kemp, you are the belle of the Razzballies!

Fantasy AL Cy Young – This was a tough call for the Razzball panel that votes.  See, cause the panel is made of a hundred monkeys wearing organ grinder outfits and when I showed them a picture of Verlander, they scratched their ass.  Wait, that’s the BBWAA.  I’m picking these awards on my own.  Yeah, Verlander wins.  A Razzballie is better than the AL MVP, trust me.

Fantasy NL Cy YoungClayton Kershaw gets the mustache trophy.  Wait, that’s the RCL trophy.  I’m gonna handle that on Monday.  Stay tuned!  Or not.

Fantasy AL Least Valuable PlayerCarl Crawford made a solid case for terrible, but the Blunder Twins screwed everyone.  Joe Mauer just flat out raked if you were to read that in the mirror and it then read “crap” not “dekar,” but he’s just a catcher.  Justin Morneau took sucking to a level that was biblical while also making it seem like he killed your deity of choice himself.  Morneau, may you rest in peace because you are dead to me.

Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – As much as I’d like to give David Wright or Ryan Zimmerman this award, the award for totally sucking up the suckhole in the NL this year goes to Hanley Ramirez.  He was injured half the year, and when he played, you wish he was injured.  At least it seems like it didn’t bother him to suck this year.  He really took it in stride, right?  BECAUSE HE DOESN’T CARE!  I know, Al Caps.  That was my point.  MY BAD.

Fantasy POSAdam Dunn.  He was only eligible at 1st base, but somehow he ended up the biggest POS.

Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – Oh my God, Cameron Maybin is hitting!  Hmm… Now I don’t think he is.  Wait!  He is!  Well, maybe he isn’t.  No, he definitely is!  Oh, he’s injured.  He’s healthy but is he hitting?  Yes!  No!  Let me ask Grey!

Player You Had Forever and Most Wanted to Drop – You, “I don’t care if Mike Napoli gets 30 homers, I just want to drop him.”  Me, “Just hold him.”  You, “Okay… Well, what if Lucroy is available?”

Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – Really, Ben Revere? I see that he has 34 steals, but I’m still kinda glad I never picked him up.

Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning HimDoug Fister.  His only drawback was during the season when you’d shout out his name in jubilation, your wife would cover your kid’s ears and ask you to please stop that.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never DidAsdrubal Cabrera.  Granderson could’ve won this award, but Asdrubal never hit more than 6 homers prior to this season.  By mid-May, everything Asdrubal gave you was icing.  Hmm, that sounds pretty gross.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the GroinRickie Weeks.  Grey, was wrong, Weeks is totally putting together another huge, healthy season!  Wait, wha’ happened?  17 pre-All-Star break homers turned to 3 post-All-Star break homers?  Gah!  I should’ve traded him.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With ItTroy Tulowitzki.  Seems like he needs to get injured every year, like it’s in his contract with the devil.  This year September was his month to take a seat.  Thankfully, by the time Tulo got to September, he already gave you the stats you wanted from him.

Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – It’s June and I’m kinda done with Dan Uggla.  I’m gonna take a trade of Josh Johnson for him and hope he returns healthy.  …Hey, look at that, Uggla’s hit in 2 straight games.  Hmm… 10 straight?  20?  Oh, Christmas garland!  What is happening?  Josh Johnson isn’t returning?  But he said he would!  I hate Dan Uggla!

Player You Traded For That You Most RegrettedChase Utley is back and that can only mean one thing… Pomade and MVP awards!  Maybe that’s two things.  Whatever, Utley can do it!

Top SAGNOFMichael Bourn/Craig Kimbrel (tie)

Player Who Pulled A Kotchman – Last year Justin Morneau took John McDonald’s knee off his head.  Morneau has now taken the phrase ‘taking a knee’ to a whole new level.

Biggest Waste Of A Razzball Glossary TermJobacum – Only because I gave the award to Sparkakis last year and that schmohawk doesn’t deserve two Razzballies.

Slam & Legs Award – Grandy could’ve won this award, but let’s give it to the Melkman.  Melky, cereal baby!

Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – Francisco Lirano.  Take a bow, Liriano…So I can kick you in the ass.

  1. LeviHarris says:
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    Eric Hosmer hit well over .300 this past season if you take the Omaha Storm Chasers into consideration. Pretty sure he’ll be .300 and over 20 bombs next year…

  2. MStark says:
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    Who’s your pick for the “Dude that showed great promise and I really hope breaks camp next year, but probably won’t, and then won’t be called up until late July?”

    This year, I think the winner was Desmond Jennings; next year will it be Matt Moore? Delgado? Teheran? Peacock? (Won’t be Harper because nobody expects him up early).

    Here’s one: “Player you thought sucked all year, but couldn’t drop, and in the end, all was good.” Joey Votto/Matt Latos.

  3. Jim says:
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    Adam Dunn not winning least valuable AL player is an outrage. Anybody can be least valuable when they’re hurt, but being historically unvaluable when you’re healthy? that takes a special kind of donkey.

  4. Tony says:
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    @Jim: i agree Jim, Dunn single handedly dragged my RCL batting average to the bottom of the league…. I couldn’t drop him because “he’s adam fricking dunn he hits 40 HRs per year!” and i just held on and held on….. eff u adam dunn

  5. Tony says:
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    heyward should win some type of “overrated 2011 award”….. i could just list my team and we could go from there….

  6. chata says:
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    props for giving melky props .

  7. ichirosan says:
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    I dunno, at least Scherzer gave you 15 “OMG, they’re so random” wins, which is still more than Timmah, and 174 Ks.

    Meanwhile, The Big FraGu is basically sarcastic now.

  8. PublicEnemy#1 says:
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    If Adam Dunn isn’t AL LVP, then he needs a new category all too himself. I suggest ‘The Home Wrecker’ award. Happy fantasy season equals a happy home. Adam Dunn might be the leading cause for divorce.

  9. The Talented Mr. Dope Man says:
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    @PublicEnemy#1: I agree, at least morneau had a supposed injury. Dunn just plain out blew the donkey.

  10. pwire says:
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    Grey,

    Just wanted to say thanks for your insight this year. It won me two leagues, both for a significant reward. I had Kemp in both as well as Kershaw. Quoting you, “KEMP DID DESTROY THE WORLD THIS YEAR!” I also think your insights on Lawrie and D.Jennings were awesome.

    Anyone can predict after the fact… but you were at least one to two weeks ahead of the curve. For this, I was able to land these guys in genius fashion. Major props to you, and look forward to your insights in the future. Not sure how you ended up, but you definitely made me a richer man.

    Thanks

  11. Ray says:
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    Everyone knew Morneau was a risk going in because of the concussion history. Adam Dunn was drafted somewhere around the fourth round and was expected to put up monster power numbers in a great hitters’ park. He put up one of the worst offensive seasons in history for someone that saw significant ABs. How could he possibly not be LVP?

  12. Tony says:
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    @Ray: I agree with that.

    Next years going to be interesting, people will be taking Kemp top 5 overall again and he’ll probly disappoint, bautista is he the real deal now? 2 yrs of production, why do i not want to buy in, stubbornness? I’m personally done with ryan howard and wright, even tho next year i see wright slippin in drafts and bouncing back for another 30/20 .300+ campaign just to piss me off, heyward will go wild next year, since he sucked this year, he’ll probably go 5-6th round and reward at least a 2nd round value… Ellsbury and Grandy will be very interesting cases, their value will jump huge, gandys proven he can flop tho, i wouldn’t touch him, ells power might be for real BUT he’s more of a 10 HR guy, this year was insane for him…. up was down for me, black was white, this year seemed ass backwards, nothing panned out…. where i drafted and ADP didn’t even let me look at guys like Kemp, they went late 2nd round, next years a new year tho….

  13. TheBravesWear Prado says:
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    This year my opening day roster included Morneau, Dunn, Reynolds (who I then dropped before he went on his homerun binge) and Uggla. Needless to say my team wasn’t so great in the first two months but I pulled the best managing job I’ve ever done and finished first in the head to head standings and won the championship. I’d really like to thank Alex Gordon and Michael Morse on making up for a terrible draft.

  14. mrobs says:
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    Grey, Thanks for another great season. I laughed, I cried (Liriano), and I won my league!

    Fantasy Baseball truly would not be the same without your site!

    One Daiquiri coming right up!

  15. OaktownSteve says:
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    Terrific as per usual:

    I’ll add

    The Brady Anderson or Hey Wait…He Hit How Many Home Runs???: Take a bow JJ Hardy

    Rubber Neck of the Year: Bronson Arroyo. 46! Spelled out that’s FORTYSIX home runs allowed. Good for a staggering 413 Razzball points all on his own. Rock on, Bronson.

    Joe Average-For the guy who could neither help you or hurt you. You might have even forgotten he was on your team. Basically roster furniture, but not fancy like the dining room table…more like the chair in the corner that nobody ever sits on: Michael Cuddyer. 70 runs 70 rbis 20 homers 11 steals, .284 average. Almost spot on average for ownable players. Honorable mention: Markakis, El Caballo, Gabby Sanchez.

    Gravy Awards: Guys who weren’t really the main course on your team but brought a little sauce to the finished product. Russell Martin and his 18 hrs/8 steals. Ed Mujica and his 9 wins. Antonio Bastardo a regular condiment platter: 6 wins, 8 saves, 70 ks, sub 3 ERA, sub 1 WHIP.

    The Notice Me Grey! Award for the pitcher with highest K/9 Rate: Al Alburquerque…a staggering 13.9

    Mr. Half and Half: Jair Vazquez-20 wins, 161 ks, 2.00 ERA, .96 WHIP.

  16. royce! says:
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    Gotta agree with the comments above that Dunn was the AL LVP. Are you saying that owning Dunn sucked, but a team with BOTH Morneau and Mauer suffered most? That’s fine-sort of bending the rules- but there should be absolutely no question that Dunn was the least valuable individual AL player, fantasy or not, because he played, and he played terribly.

  17. chata says:
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    adam dunn nothing

  18. TheBravesWear Prado says:
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    @OaktownSteve: Kimbrel had a K/9 of 14.8

  19. Boomer19 says:
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    The two top SAGNOF’s are battling for my last keeper spot in my 5×5 roto league (14 teams). Who do you think has more value next year? (I am actively trying to trade them for a hitter or stud sp while their value is fresh is everyone’s mind but not getting anywhere)

  20. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Boomer19: They’re both SAGNOF, obviously, so it’s a coin flip. Bourn…

  21. OaktownSteve says:
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    @TBWP: I realized it after the fact but the award still goes to Al with the note *highest off the grid k/9

  22. Player Most Mentioned In This Post Without Actually Winning a Razzball Award – Curtis Granderson

  23. Just realized this… how awesome would it have been if some team, somewhere in the world, was forced to start Bruce Chen, Carl Pavano, and Miguel Batista on the last day of the season, and won their league because of those schmucks?

  24. mike says:
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    These folks all deserve awards yet to be named:

    Travis Wood: for being widely drafted, inflicting intense pain, and quietly going away.

    Mike Minor: for being widely drafted and then unexpectedly cut before the season started

    Brandon Beachy: for going undrafted and unheralded, taking the place of a highly-touted prospect, and excelling to the point of keeping Minor (and Terehan) down on the farm much longer than anyone expected

    Strasburg: for waiting until the very last effing day of the season to show up.

    Ogando: for pitching in a little league park and unexpectedly being pretty solid for most of the season

    Beltran: I don’t know what he should get, but such consistent year after year suckitude/yawnstipation (when compared to expectations) should not go un-awarded

  25. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @mike: These are awesome.

  26. Spiffy says:
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    By May, I was referring to Hanley as The iCreature (He Just Didn’t Care – apologies to Joel Hodgson)

  27. Howard says:
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    @Grey I’m not usually inclined to keep a catcher cause ya know CATCHNOF, Ron Popeil and all that! Then there’s Napoli (and of course his mother) Do you think it would be worth keeping Nipples? Could he have another great year out of the shadow of Scosciapath notwithstanding his mom’s wardrobe malfunctions?

  28. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Spiffy: Ha!

    @Howard: Depends on the price and who your other option is… But he could be.

  29. Howard says:
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    @Grey Price is reasonable ($19) and would be keeping him over schmohawks like Kendrick, Mcgehee and Quentin. Thanks!

  30. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Howard: I’d keep Price.

  31. nyydj2 says:
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    Lol, I think the daiquiries are rolling in a bit too fast for our valued mentor today, 32/33.

  32. chata says:
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    @Grey:

    shoppach …. 1st rounder ?

  33. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @chata: Of course!

  34. chata says:
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    i love it when it rains at yankee stadium .

  35. chata says:
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    so , if the tigers beat the yanks , i wonder if their fans
    will take that captain morgan ad campaign too literally :
    “to life , love , and loot” … ?

  36. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @chata: Ha… Probably not at that stage.

  37. chata says:
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    the day after my fantasy season ends = empty vacuum .

  38. 12 team keeper league…
    1B Hosmer, 2B Pedroia, OF Braun, OF CarGo, SP Strasburg…

  39. PublicEnemy#1 says:
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    Gotta keep one Grey….deep 16 team league that uses QS instead of Ws. $250 cap. Would you keep Beachy or DHudson for $1 or go big and keep Verlander for $27? Top SPs in the league typically go in the high $30s. Every now and then one will creep into the low $40s. My other keepers will be Bautista $1, CarGo $15, Adrian Gonzalez $28.

  40. chata says:
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    @Grey:

    imo , the selig administration is playing it fast and loose with their
    “adjustment” of the rules .

    to resume the the ALDS after an inning and a half is absurd .
    is there precedence for this ?

    explain to me how the hell he can get away with this .

  41. dave says:
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    Thanks for all the preseason advice Grey .. won my big pay league for a $600 haul and got second in my other pool for a modest $100 … i think you deserve a tithe.

    … i still think Bautista needs the AL MVP award

  42. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @chata: It’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard.

    @dave: No problem… Congrats!

  43. VinWins

    VinWins says:
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    @chata: @Grey: It may be ridiculous, but the rule was changed after the 2008 World Series.

  44. chata says:
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    @VinWins:

    thanks for the explanation .
    i have trouble keeping abreast of things .

    speaking of which , did anyone see prince jiggling as he rounded 3rd base
    after hitting that home run today ?

    foolish me , for thinking that today’s players should be in better shape ,
    especially since they can all afford personal trainers and don’t have to get jobs in the off-season to support their families .

  45. royce! says:
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    @chata: If all ballplayers were in great shape, baseball would lose its “everyman” charm. Or in Prince’s case, it’s “every-approximately-two-men” charm. Heyo!

  46. Eddy says:
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    So word is Marlins may get Big Z.

    All we need now is Milton Bradley and we’ll have the most short-tempered squad in all of baseball.

  47. chata says:
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    at least we’ll all be watching the same games

  48. Doug Ault says:
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    @Grey: I was vetoed from trading Uggla and Jurrjens for Crawford around late June.I took great pleasure in thanking my fellow league members for helping me win the division by saving me from myself

  49. chata says:
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    even though i didn’t have danny hudson on any of my teams ,
    i’m rooting for him today .

  50. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Eddy: Not crazy about that if it happens for the Marlins, but love it for unintentional comedy with Ozzie and Z.

    @Doug Ault: Nice!

  51. Lincecuminmypants says:
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    Grey,

    Thanks for your great work this year. I won both my leagues and you definitely provided both laughs and insights.

    Enjoy the daiquiris,

    DB

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