Welcome to the year end Razzball Awards! Or as they call them in New Jersey, the “What’s this crap?” Unlike the ESPYs, you won’t have to wear a tux or listen to Derek Jeter try to be funny. Speaking of Viagra — Vlad’s got one good leg and he’s not wearing a shoe on it. Nope, for these awards, all you need to do is read. What a novel concept! Pun point, snitches! Anyway, here’s the 2011 Razzball Year End Awards:
Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – Granderson made an interesting case for MVP, but it involved reading and I don’t do that. Justin Verlander might’ve won this award if he wasn’t a pitcher (that’s a joke; don’t inundate the comments with how he should be the MVP even though he’s a pitcher). So my AL Fantasy MVP is Jacoby Ellsbury. When Ellsbury was asked how it felt to win the AL MVP Razzballie, he said, “How’d you get my address?”
Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – The day after opening day, I relayed this story, “A friend went to Kemp’s party after the Dodgers opening night win at a club here in LA. Two hours after the win, Kemp was standing on the bar with two champagne bottles flipped over, pouring them into his mouth like he was a fountain.” Hey, it worked for Miggy and Mickey Mantle too. Kemp, you are the belle of the Razzballies!
Fantasy AL Cy Young – This was a tough call for the Razzball panel that votes. See, cause the panel is made of a hundred monkeys wearing organ grinder outfits and when I showed them a picture of Verlander, they scratched their ass. Wait, that’s the BBWAA. I’m picking these awards on my own. Yeah, Verlander wins. A Razzballie is better than the AL MVP, trust me.
Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – Carl Crawford made a solid case for terrible, but the Blunder Twins screwed everyone. Joe Mauer just flat out raked if you were to read that in the mirror and it then read “crap” not “dekar,” but he’s just a catcher. Justin Morneau took sucking to a level that was biblical while also making it seem like he killed your deity of choice himself. Morneau, may you rest in peace because you are dead to me.
Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – As much as I’d like to give David Wright or Ryan Zimmerman this award, the award for totally sucking up the suckhole in the NL this year goes to Hanley Ramirez. He was injured half the year, and when he played, you wish he was injured. At least it seems like it didn’t bother him to suck this year. He really took it in stride, right? BECAUSE HE DOESN’T CARE! I know, Al Caps. That was my point. MY BAD.
Fantasy POS – Adam Dunn. He was only eligible at 1st base, but somehow he ended up the biggest POS.
Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – Oh my God, Cameron Maybin is hitting! Hmm… Now I don’t think he is. Wait! He is! Well, maybe he isn’t. No, he definitely is! Oh, he’s injured. He’s healthy but is he hitting? Yes! No! Let me ask Grey!
Player You Had Forever and Most Wanted to Drop – You, “I don’t care if Mike Napoli gets 30 homers, I just want to drop him.” Me, “Just hold him.” You, “Okay… Well, what if Lucroy is available?”
Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – Really, Ben Revere? I see that he has 34 steals, but I’m still kinda glad I never picked him up.
Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – Doug Fister. His only drawback was during the season when you’d shout out his name in jubilation, your wife would cover your kid’s ears and ask you to please stop that.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – Asdrubal Cabrera. Granderson could’ve won this award, but Asdrubal never hit more than 6 homers prior to this season. By mid-May, everything Asdrubal gave you was icing. Hmm, that sounds pretty gross.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin – Rickie Weeks. Grey, was wrong, Weeks is totally putting together another huge, healthy season! Wait, wha’ happened? 17 pre-All-Star break homers turned to 3 post-All-Star break homers? Gah! I should’ve traded him.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It – Troy Tulowitzki. Seems like he needs to get injured every year, like it’s in his contract with the devil. This year September was his month to take a seat. Thankfully, by the time Tulo got to September, he already gave you the stats you wanted from him.
Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – It’s June and I’m kinda done with Dan Uggla. I’m gonna take a trade of Josh Johnson for him and hope he returns healthy. …Hey, look at that, Uggla’s hit in 2 straight games. Hmm… 10 straight? 20? Oh, Christmas garland! What is happening? Josh Johnson isn’t returning? But he said he would! I hate Dan Uggla!
Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted – Chase Utley is back and that can only mean one thing… Pomade and MVP awards! Maybe that’s two things. Whatever, Utley can do it!
Player Who Pulled A Kotchman – Last year Justin Morneau took John McDonald’s knee off his head. Morneau has now taken the phrase ‘taking a knee’ to a whole new level.
Biggest Waste Of A Razzball Glossary Term – Jobacum – Only because I gave the award to Sparkakis last year and that schmohawk doesn’t deserve two Razzballies.
Slam & Legs Award – Grandy could’ve won this award, but let’s give it to the Melkman. Melky, cereal baby!
Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – Francisco Lirano. Take a bow, Liriano…So I can kick you in the ass.