Welcome to the year end Razzball Awards! Or as they call them in New Jersey, the “What’s this crap?” Unlike the ESPYs, you won’t have to wear a tux or listen to Derek Jeter try to be funny. Speaking of Viagra — Vlad’s got one good leg and he’s not wearing a shoe on it. Nope, for these awards, all you need to do is read. What a novel concept! Pun point, snitches! Anyway, here’s the 2010 Razzball Year End Awards:
Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – Crawford made an interesting case for MVP, but it involved reading and I don’t do that. Jose Bautista might’ve won this award if he wasn’t cheating. They’ll be other awards for him. So my AL Fantasy MVP is Miguel Cabrera. When Miggy was asked how it felt to win the AL MVP Razzballie, he said, “I’d prefer a pint of Shock Top.” Thanks for coming to pick up your award, Miggy! I hope you’re not driving.
Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – I’d love to sit here — and I am sitting — and give the award to Votto, but Votto did him and CarGo did Votto plus ten steals. CarGo, you are the belle of the Razzballies!
Fantasy AL Cy Young – Prepare for the week debate in November when F-Her (almost?) loses the award because of the M’s offense. Here, he can win the award. Hopefully he works on his hitting in the winter leagues and bats cleanup next year.
Fantasy NL Cy Young – Roy Halladay gets the mustache trophy. Wainwright gets to want the mustache trophy.
Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – Ian Kinsler made a solid case for terrible, but Grady Sizemore just flat out raked if you were to read that in the mirror. Closest Grady Sizemore came to taking off this year was in his amateur Playgirl shoot.
Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – As much as I’d like to give Matt Kemp this award, I can’t give a 28/19 guy the honors. Maybe if he starts dating Lady Gaga next year, he’ll have better luck, and meat. This year, the award for totally sucking up the suckhole in the NL was Jimmy Rollins. He was injured half the year, and when he played, you wish he was injured.
Special Lifetime Achievement Award That Is Only A Reflection Of This Season And Not Of A Lifetime – Jose Bautista. Well played, Bautista. Now take the rubber balls out of your bat.
Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – Oh my God, Luke Scott is hitting! Hmm… Now I don’t think he is. Wait! He is! Well, maybe he isn’t. No, he definitely is! Oh, he’s injured. He’s healthy but is he hitting? Yes! No! Let me ask Grey!
Player You Had Forever and Most Wanted to Drop – You, “I don’t care if Mike Napoli gets 30 homers, I just want to drop him.”
Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – Really, Omar Infante? He just seems counterproductive even when he is productive.
Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – Brett Myers. Now please don’t smash your award through your girlfriend’s car windshield.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – Jose Bautista. If you knew he’d hit 30 homers, let alone 50, you’re a damn liar. Or a witch. Maybe you can run for Senate.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin – Ubaldo is so going to throw a 1.00 ERA all year! Hmm… Maybe a 2? How about a 3? In June, his ERA was 4.41; in July, 6.04; in August, 2.83 and, in September, 4.34.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It – Kelly Johnson wasn’t quite the hitter after April, but at 2nd base and with 10+ homers in the 2nd half, you could’ve done worse.
Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – 50 plus homers from Jose Effin’ Bautista?! And all I got back was the underperforming Mark Teixeira and a bag of Funyons?! At least the Funyons didn’t disappoint.
Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted – Did Pablo Sandoval really just hit .250 on my team with 7 extra base hits in three months?
Player Who Pulled A Kotchman – Justin Morneau was injury-prone coming into the season. This year, he one-upped even himself when he missed the final three months after being hit in the head by John McDonald’s knee. Took the phrase ‘taking a knee’ to a whole new level.
Biggest Waste Of A Razzball Glossary Term – Sparkakis!
Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – Zack Greinke. Way to followup the Cy Young campaign.