Welcome to the year end Razzball Awards! Unlike the ESPYs, you won’t have to wear a tux or listen to Derek Jeter try to be funny. Speaking of Viagra — Vlad’s got one good leg and he’s not wearing a shoe on it. Nope, for these awards, all you need to do is read. How novel! Anyway, here’s The 2009 Razzball Year End Awards:
Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – There’s two hitters from the AL in the top ten on the ESPN Player Rater. Crawford at 4 and Ellsbury at 6. The next AL hitter is Derek Jeter. Can we punt the AL hitters award this year? Wait, I know! Let’s give it to a pitcher! Zack Greinke, you’re the Razzball AL Fantasy MVP, how does it feel? “If I don’t find out who the mother is on How I Met Your Mother by next spring training, I’m going to lose my shizz.” Thanks for coming, Zack! You’re the belle of the Razzballies!
Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – If a no-brainer is my specialty, this one’s easy. Albert Pujols.
Fantasy AL Cy Young – If Kansas City were a major market, we’d be getting an ESPN movie of the week this winter about Zack Greinke starring Macaulay Culkin.
Fantasy NL Cy Young – Tim Lincecum, but this is pretty close with Javier Vazquez, Dan Haren, Wainwright and Carpenter. Crazy that those last four guys could’ve been had in any league. That would’ve made for a nice team if you had all four. Well, Lincecum gets the nod because he’s 145 lbs. Those things matter for the Razzballies.
Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – Grady Sizemore really wanted this award. He even sat out September in his bid to suck. But Josh Hamilton started sucking in April. That’s a tough act to follow, mostly because of the stench.
Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – The winner is Jose Reyes. Unfortunately, he couldn’t make it to the awards ceremony because he’s getting in “game shape.”
Special Lifetime Achievement Award That Is Only A Reflection Of This Season And Not Of A Lifetime – Mark Reynolds, because he needed his own award. Thank you, Mini Donkey. You made everyone else look like Mini Jackasses.
Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – And the Razzballie goes to Clint Barmes. He’s starting, but not hitting, I’m dropping him. He’s starting and hitting, I’m picking him up. He’s hitting but not playing, I’m dropping him. He’s hitting and playing… Do I drop him or pick him up? Forget it, I’m dropping him. Wait, he’s not even on my team. Ugh!
Player You Had Forever and Most Wanted to Drop – Felipe Lopez. Every time I came close to cutting the Fe-Lopezian tubes, he went 1-for-3 with a Run. If I see one more 1-for-3 with a Run, I’m going to vomit.
Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – Michael Cuddyer. Cuddyer’s boring! I’ll stick with the rotating Bowden Fluffer turnstile of Delmon Young, Milledge, Dukes and Cameron Maybin.
Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – Bronson Arroyo. Now don’t get any pine tar on your award! A close runner-up was Joe Blanton.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – Matt Cain. If regressing to the norm is a 3.50 2nd half ERA, I’ll take it any day of the week and twice on Muesday.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin – Johnny Cueto. Regressing doesn’t have to mean a flippin’ 8 ERA!
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It – Ben Zobrist. Sure, his 2nd half wasn’t as good as his 1st half, but you weren’t actually embarrassed to own Ben Zobrist. Tell me you saw that coming in February and I have a column for you to write called, “I’m a lying sack of shizz.”
Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – Grey seems like a good guy, but there’s no way Mark Reynolds is going to keep this up.
Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted – I just traded a poor-April Verlander and Mark Reynolds for David Wright! I’m so money and you snitches are so green!
Best Roofie Pitcher – Three way tie with J.A. Happ, Randy Wells and Brett Anderson.
Best Jockular Sphincteritis – Adrian Beltre with his cracked nuts.
Top Cuddle Boy – Ryan Madson. Our closer is terrible, yet we can’t reliably turn to our set-up man.
Top SAGNOF – Michael Bourn/Andrew Bailey (tie)
Player Who “Pulled A Kotchman“ – Carlos Beltran. How long can someone nurse an injury that’s “not that serious?”
Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – Francisco Liriano