In our fantasy baseball forums, there’s a great thread going about the Fantasy MVPs, Cy Youngs and the Least Valuable Players. So I thought I’d do a year end award special. Luckily, you won’t have to wear a tux for this or listen to Derek Jeter try to be funny. Speaking of Viagra — Vlad’s got one good leg and he’s not wearing a shoe on it. Anyway, here’s The 2008 Razzball Year End Awards:
Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – Josh Hamilton – Did everything, except blow a random stranger for a crack rock.
Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – Albert Pujols – Pronounced POO-holes.
Fantasy AL Cy Young – Cliff Lee – In ten years, Dennis Quaid is going to be portraying Cliff Lee in a movie of the week called, “2008: The Improbable Season.”
Fantasy NL Cy Young – Tim Lincecum – 265 Ks. Sorry, Grey, could you speak up? 265 Ks!
Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – Travis Hafner – Victor Martinez – Alex Gordon – Carlos Guillen – As the co-co-co-co-winners of this award head up to the podium to accept the award, Pronk trips and his giant melon head crashes into the ground opening a black hole in the space-time continuum that sucks all four of these schmohawks into oblivion.
Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – Rickie Weeks – Troy Tulowitzki – Rich Hill – When Alex Gordon, Pronk, V-Mart and Carlos Guillen crash to the ground in oblivion, they land on these three schmohawks.
Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – Jerry Hairston Jr. – He’s hitting well? All right, I’ll grab him for a short schedule day. He’s still hitting well? All right, I’ll pick him back up. He’s injured? I’m dropping him. He’s back. Awesome! He’s injured again. Now he’s back. No, he’s not. Yes, he is. Now he’s playing like Jerry Hairston Jr. again. Ugh…
Player You Had Forever and Most Wanted to Drop – JJ Putz – Why can’t I quit you, Putz?
Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – Mike Napoli – Eh, I’ll just stick with Pudge.
Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – Jeremy Guthrie – You know you were actually upset when he went on the DL at the end of the year.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – Cliff Lee – Luckily, I only swore on my pinkie finger that Lee wouldn’t keep up his pace.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin - Dan Uggla - Way to revert to the norm.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It - Edinson Volquez – You took some lumps in the 2nd half, but they could’ve been worst.
Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – CC Sabathia – Why was he so bad in April?!
Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted – Robinson Cano – Do I send the hate mail to the old Yankee Stadium or the new one?
Best Roofie Pitcher – Johnny Cueto – Max Scherzer – Clayton Krenshaw – Manny Parra
Best Jockular Sphincteritis - Kaz Matsui
Top Cuddle Boy – Fernando Rodney
Top SAGNOF – Willy Taveras/Jose Valverde (Tie)
Top Bowden Fluffer – Delmon Young
Top ESPN Analcyst – Eric Karabell
Player Who “Pulled A Kotchman“ – Rafael Furcal/Phil Hughes (Tie)
Player You Most Wanted To Run Over With a Tractor – Travis Hafner – Because Co-Co-Co-Co-Least Valuable Player Award Wasn’t Enough.
Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – Aaron Harang