In our fantasy baseball forums, there’s a great thread going about the Fantasy MVPs, Cy Youngs and the Least Valuable Players. So I thought I’d do a year end award special. Luckily, you won’t have to wear a tux for this or listen to Derek Jeter try to be funny. Speaking of Viagra — Vlad’s got one good leg and he’s not wearing a shoe on it. Anyway, here’s The 2008 Razzball Year End Awards:
Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – Josh Hamilton – Did everything, except blow a random stranger for a crack rock.
Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – Albert Pujols – Pronounced POO-holes.
Fantasy AL Cy Young – Cliff Lee – In ten years, Dennis Quaid is going to be portraying Cliff Lee in a movie of the week called, “2008: The Improbable Season.”
Fantasy NL Cy Young – Tim Lincecum – 265 Ks. Sorry, Grey, could you speak up? 265 Ks!
Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – Travis Hafner – Victor Martinez – Alex Gordon – Carlos Guillen – As the co-co-co-co-winners of this award head up to the podium to accept the award, Pronk trips and his giant melon head crashes into the ground opening a black hole in the space-time continuum that sucks all four of these schmohawks into oblivion.
Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – Rickie Weeks – Troy Tulowitzki – Rich Hill – When Alex Gordon, Pronk, V-Mart and Carlos Guillen crash to the ground in oblivion, they land on these three schmohawks.
Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – Jerry Hairston Jr. – He’s hitting well? All right, I’ll grab him for a short schedule day. He’s still hitting well? All right, I’ll pick him back up. He’s injured? I’m dropping him. He’s back. Awesome! He’s injured again. Now he’s back. No, he’s not. Yes, he is. Now he’s playing like Jerry Hairston Jr. again. Ugh…
Player You Had Forever and Most Wanted to Drop – JJ Putz – Why can’t I quit you, Putz?
Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – Mike Napoli – Eh, I’ll just stick with Pudge.
Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – Jeremy Guthrie – You know you were actually upset when he went on the DL at the end of the year.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – Cliff Lee – Luckily, I only swore on my pinkie finger that Lee wouldn’t keep up his pace.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin - Dan Uggla - Way to revert to the norm.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It - Edinson Volquez – You took some lumps in the 2nd half, but they could’ve been worst.
Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – CC Sabathia – Why was he so bad in April?!
Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted – Robinson Cano – Do I send the hate mail to the old Yankee Stadium or the new one?
Best Roofie Pitcher – Johnny Cueto – Max Scherzer – Clayton Krenshaw – Manny Parra
Best Jockular Sphincteritis - Kaz Matsui
Top Cuddle Boy – Fernando Rodney
Top SAGNOF – Willy Taveras/Jose Valverde (Tie)
Top Bowden Fluffer – Delmon Young
Top ESPN Analcyst – Eric Karabell
Player Who “Pulled A Kotchman“ – Rafael Furcal/Phil Hughes (Tie)
Player You Most Wanted To Run Over With a Tractor – Travis Hafner – Because Co-Co-Co-Co-Least Valuable Player Award Wasn’t Enough.
Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – Aaron Harang
Glad to see none of my guys there!
On a not-entirely-unrelated note, as someone who really loves sport and all that goes along with it, there is something pretty special about the way Manny (who may or may not be an asshole – I’m not really qualified to say) rises to the occasion.
What a hitter.
A large part of the reason I won my championship draws from a trade I made in early June. I gave Carl Crawford and David Wright for Matt Holliday, CC Sabbathia, and Mike Lowell. OK Mike Lowell didn’t do crap but Holliday and CC put me over.
I heart CC.
Thats classic. Im sure everyone read through the list and could relate to at least one of the guys mentioned. Unfortunately, I laughed about Putz.
No mention of Harang anywhere, he could definitely win several of those bad awards!
@Steve: Manny’s been awesome. Do you know he’s the number two OF behind Holliday for the year? Insane.
@Frank Rizzo: CC was definitely money, but you gotta wonder if last year’s playoffs and this year’s aren’t fatigue but nerves.
@chuck: Pulling Putz along too long huh? I’m sure you’re not alone.
@Hank: Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day — Aaron Harang.
How’s that?
Honestly, I could’ve went on for another twenty or so with this list.
I second Harang for “Fantasy Pitcher You Wish Just Blew Out His Shoulder or Elbow in April to Spare You The Season-Long Pain”.
****UPDATE*** RUDY FELT I NEEDED TO PUT IN MORE AWARDS, SO I UPDATED.
Can I nominated Hank Blalock for an honorable mention in the “Pulled a Kotchmann” award? Dude was “expected back” seemingly every week for almost the entire season, and that’s not even mentioning the inevitable carpal tunnel announcement…
@Eephus: Blalock should actually win the Lifetime Achievement Award for Pulling a Kotchman. He got injured about four years ago and hasn’t recovered yet.
@Grey: It was fun, though, leaving Hank in the lineup at the end there, just to see if he could go yard just one more time. Was it five straight days?
@Steve: Yeah, he had a great week when it really mattered for H2H.
I just want to let you know that being at Wrigley Field last night was probably the most depressing event in the entirety of my life.
@Freak: You were sitting behind the white guy wearing the Manny dreads?
@Grey: Just what I feared, took Kaz 37 pitches to get through 1 inning. He needs to challenge them.
@BigFatHippo: Could’ve been much worse. I think every Rays (all three) breathed a sigh of relief when Uribe came up. How is that guy still in the league?
@Grey: I assume you mean Rays fan?
Wonder if p0rks there? If he is there’s four.
@BigFatHippo: Yeah, fan… My bad. Does P0rk live in Tampa? I thought he was a Marlin fan.
@Grey: By the way, it’s Mister Poo-holes.
@BigFatHippo: Wow, can Perez fly.
@Grey: Yeah, he’s on the other coast. Lauderdale area I think.
But he might have decided to double the Rays fan base and go with a friend.
@BigFatHippo: This cracks me up:
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/players/profile?playerId=4574
Pronounced: POO-holes.
Ha!
As if. That’s Hippo, pronounced Hip-POO, in honor of Mr. POO-holes.
I think Chris Snyder should have won Jockular Sphincteritis over Kaz. The dude busted a nut…
@sneauxman: That’s fair. Now someone searches “bust a nut” + Kaz’s anal fissures and they’ll find a result.
@Grey: I keep waiting for a hot shot prospect named Lipshitz
@Doug Ault: There goes another Google search that is going to disappoint people.
@Grey: Might as well go all the way with this one.
“I almost busted a nut laughing when Dr. Lipshitz informed me that my anal fissures were only dingleberries.”
That about covers it.
@BigFatHippo: “busted a nut” + lips + dingleberries
We’re now covered. Thanks!
@Grey: You’ll be interested to know that Pianowski ranked Phillips 4th and Pedroia 5th in his 2nd base rankings for next year.
I can only hope my leaguemates value Phillips that high.
@Grey: I found this in a Lipshitz google.
The Lipshitz Curse: a blond at a charity ball is wearing an enormous diamond. She boasts that there are three great diamonds in the world—the Hope, the Kohinoor and her own, the Lipshitz. But, unfortunately, she tells her friends, with the Lipshitz diamond comes the Lipshitz Curse. “The Lipshitz Curse? What is the Lipshitz Curse?” The blond sighs: “Lipshitz.”
OY VEH
@BigFatHippo: I haven’t compiled ’09 lists yet, but a guy that can go 20/25 will probably rank decently. It’s just his metrics aren’t very pretty. He Ks way too much, doesn’t walk enough, etc.
@Doug Ault: Oy veh is right. That’s awful. That’s actually beyond awful. That’s managed to make awful seem good.
@BigFatHippo: BTW, what’s a Pianowski?
@Doug Ault: @BigFatHippo: BTW II, am I the only one that wants to buy the Caveman commercial song on iTunes? “Don’t wanna hurt you…”
@Grey: “A Pianowski” as defined in Webster.
“A Yahoo fantasy expert.”
“A long cylindrical object placed in the urethra to stem the flow of urine in elderly people who are prone to bedwetting.”
Look it up and take your pick.
Actually Pianowski is pretty good. I shouldn’t rag on him.
@BigFatHippo: That 2nd definition made me wince and cross my legs.
@Grey: That’s a nasty pitch by Howell.
This is the frist time I’ve got to see the Rays play all year, very impressed with the pen.
@BigFatHippo: I think I said this on an earlier post’s comments. The pen is what can win the championship for them. Balfour and Howell are studs and Wheeler’s no slouch. Best thing that happened to them is they lost Percy.
@Grey: You did and I remember.
It’s one thing to read the stats and know how good they are, another altogether to actually see it. Fricken MLB and the networks, they could have showed the Rays sometime. Guess I need the Dish package but I’d rather eat lunch once in a while.
@BigFatHippo: I do the Dish instead of cable. Besides missing out on HBO On Demand, I like it.
@Grey: You can’t teach speed. Run run Rocco.
Go Rays, all the way.
K-Rod’s arm is probably tired from all those pointless saves in the last two weeks of the season.
@Grey: This song?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecd3h_BQ5P8
@Doug Ault: Sweet, I like it.
@Steve: Kazaam!
@Doug Ault: Oh my God, I love you. This is awesome! Have you heard of this song/group before the commercial?
@BigFatHippo: Rays, run all the way to Boston and then feel what it is like to run into that boring vanilla playoff machine.
All I have to say after last night is, “Who with TBS looked at Craig Sager before getting on the camera and said, that’s perfect!” What the hell? The last time I saw that much pastel on a guy was when Miami Vice was the best show on TV.
@BSA: But what about this –
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecd3h_BQ5P8
@BSA: Would that be the 8-10 vs. the Rays, Red Sox? Or the Sox who went 1-2 in their last home stand against them. Sorry man, Cubs are about done I gotta rag on somebody.
Since my Cards didn’t make it.
@Grey: Wow, I think you’re obsessed.
I’ll take the one on the left.
@BigFatHippo: See, I kinda just wanted to be in the middle.
@Grey: Well said my man, well said.
@BigFatHippo: That would be the 1-8 versus the Angels Red Sox that are 1 win away from the ALCS.
Grey, who would want to be in the middle and about foot and a half shorter than a nose to nose kiss?
Damn typos – missing the word not or contraction “n’t”? You figure out where it goes.
There goes BA bein’ all hot and bothered again. Can’t even type.
@BSA: You got tickets to any games?
If not, come to Busch, it’s almost empty this time of year. Still more fans than Rays regular season games though.
@BigFatHippo: I don’t have tickets and I am one of those, right now, that enjoys kicking back at home, cracking the cold cheap beer, grabbing snacks when I want, and going to bed when the game is over. I live around two hours out of Boston and the whole trip is an expensive pain in the ass.
I don’t if you missed it but Fenway is not exactly a comfy stadium, well maybe a little too comfy.
I went to Seattle and got a taste of one of those new fancy shmancy stadiums. Pretty nice and highlighted Fenways faults.
@BSA: “Grey, who would want to be in the middle and about foot and a half shorter than a nose to nose kiss?” — Huh? I would you. Was your wife standing over your shoulder when you wrote that?
@All: It’s not on TV here so haven’t seen a single pitch, but from following Gameday on my Blackberry (so not exactly the best view in the house) it looks like only a Broxton/Saito meltdown (or two) could stop the Dodgers winning the pennant.
Is that a fair observation?
That said, not sure I’d want to face either the Sawx or the Rays in the World Series.
Love to see Manny vs the Sawx tho.
@Steve: SPOILER ALERT: it won’t be the Cubs. (Spoiler was in case there’s a time delay on the Blackberry.) Broxton shouldn’t be the problem, but I do like the Brewers better than the Dodgers, but I like the Dodgers over the Phils, if that makes sense.
Manny and the Sox would be great, but I’m holding out hope for the Rays. It just feels like it’s their year.
@Grey: Ha! Nope – wrote that after the game had finished. The BB is a fine piece of equipment. Not sure we’ll get to find out (and deferring to your good self as you’re watching it all), but what’s your thinking with regard to the Brewers vs the Dodgers?
Seems like the Dodgers have just enough offence, pretty well-rounded (and pretty deep) starting pitching and this Wade fella has been pretty dominant since he got a full-time 8th-inning gig…
@Grey: Check my response #51, at least with a dial up I could stop the send before I looked stoopid.
The beauty of working with multiple tabs on a browser is that Razzball is my escape without knowledge from the wondering wife as she asks, “What are you doing on the computer now?”
Nothing dear, phew just more homework!
@Steve: I think if the Brewers could come back from an 0-2 deficit then their momentum would be huge as the Dodgers will have sat for almost a week. Then you throw in the Brewers hit better against the Dodgers than the Phillies and I think the tide could turn. Will be fun matchups either way.
BTW, I live in Los Angeles and no one cares.
@BSA: Ah! Gotcha. I thought your dear wife was pressing a 9 MM to your temple as she was saying, “I don’t care what your online “buddies” think, just type it.”
@Grey: Haha
Mrs. BSA to BSA-”Say my name bitch”
BSA-”Yes Dear”
@BigFatHippo: Mrs BSA, “Did you just call me Youk?” BSA, “Um, no, darling. I said YOU *look* beautiful.”
@Grey: Ha. So big of us to make fun of Summerdog when he’s not here to defend himself.
He’s washing the old lady’s Prius in the driveway.
@Gey&BigFatHippo: I caught the commercial for the first time Friday,ya gotta love dem headlights,good tune too
@BigFatHippo: Shaddap! The both of you.
I’m trying to watch the White Sox beat them Rays and the Patriots on that nice drive in the waining seconds of the first half.
As to making fun while I’m not here – I’d expect nothing less on Razzball.
@Doug Ault: That song is great. There’s another commercial that has a song that I like too. Next time it plays I’ll tell you what commercial then we’ll see if you can track it down. BTW, does it make me old that I like songs in commercials?
@BigFatHippo: Oh, and there’s some football questions in the forums.
@BSA: Sucks you have to mow the grass at 7:15 Eastern time. I’ll be watching the Red Sox.
@Grey: I’m on it, although not so sure he wants my advice. Haven’t been able to help him yet.
@BigFatHippo: Don’t worry Mr. Mrs. Summerdog is here. Just watched inning one and Pena hold the bat on his shoulder in the ninth.
@BSA: Is Mrs. Summerdog enjoying her foot massage, suckass?
Hard for me to watch baseball when my boy MoJo is about to go off on the Steelers.
@BigFatHippo: You actually know how to give a foot massage and type? Or did you say you knew how to suckass, foot massage, and type?
Oh good ol’ Joe! Starting to pitch like he still hasn’t passed that stone.
@BSA: How many Angels does it take to catch a pop-up?
I think Joe just squeezed out that stone.
@BigFatHippo: Acer’s got a football followup.
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