Or is it Philly adds pap shmear to their J-Roll? What, icky? Sorry, friend. The Phils signed Jonathan Papelbon to a silly deal of sillier proportions. Maybe the Phils should move to the Santa Ynez Valley because their replacement of Madson is a sideways move. <– movie pun! Well, for whatever reason the Phils don’t like Madson and what he brings, so they got themselves a marquee name to close out games. I don’t think this changes Papelbon’s value whatsoever. Or what so ever, if you like to space out. You know whose value does change? Welcome to the bigs, Daniel Bard! Wait, he’s already been in the bigs. Damn you, devil, get out of the details. Here’s hoping Bard authors saves instead of losses like in September, otherwise hearing the Bahd is closing might be as stressful to the average Southie as the bahr is closing. Though, I’d be a real Gomer to not consider the Red Sox may just bring in a different big name closer to fill the role. Though, Part II: It’s One Of Though’s Again, I do think they’ll give Bard the ball in the ninth and he’ll be terrific. Throw him in the donkeycorns, kids, and giddy up. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves so far and what they mean for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Melky Cabrera – Traded to the Giants. Luckily, I heard Sandoval’s lactose-intolerant or he might’ve taken a bite of Melky’s arm. Melky was going to be overrated going into 2012 and now he moves into a pitcher’s park. That’s a fold to the dealer’s picture card. If he hits 15 homers and .260, color me surprised with a lime-scented marker.
Jonathan Sanchez – Goes the other way to the Royals. Actually makes more sense to me that the Giants send away Filthy Sanchez then get Melky. The Giants were fed up with Sanchez walking seven guys in four and two-thirds. Never the hoo! We’re talking fantasy not real baseball (whatever that is!) and Filthy can take down any hitter on any given night. The question has never been his ability. He’s the 25 to 1 gamble that you pray makes good on his promise.
Lorenzo Cain – Will take over for Melky. Last year when I praised Cain, here’s what I said, “He has 20+ steal speed and some light pop. Best case scenario, he puts up a Victorino-like season. Worst case scenario, he’s unownable and while you’re dropping him to waivers you throw out your back and end up in traction. I imagine in most leagues, he’ll be drafted as a “cool pick” then dropped before the first week ends. In AL-Only leagues, he’s a great endgame sleeper pick.” And that’s me quoting me! For the short attention spanners, he’ll be a flyer worth taking in all leagues because of his 10 homer, 20+ steal potential.
Grady Sizemore – Likely to land an incentives-laden deal somewhere. If one of his incentives is “Help Grey win a fantasy championship,” then I’d draft him. Otherwise, it’s been real and fun but not really fun.
Rod Barajas – Signed by the Pirates. Barajas is Spanish for “even in a deep league you’re not drafting him.”
Pat Burrell – Retiring so he can have more time to sleep with your wife.
Jamey Carroll – Twins signed him. Nothing says offensive boost like a guy with a girl’s name. Hey, I hear Greta Van Susteren can hit a curve. Go after her, boys!
Wilson Ramos – Was kidnapped by gunpoint, but found safely by authorities. His kidnappers said they decided not to use Ramos as one of their keepers.