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Or is it Philly adds pap shmear to their J-Roll?  What, icky?  Sorry, friend.  The Phils signed Jonathan Papelbon to a silly deal of sillier proportions.  Maybe the Phils should move to the Santa Ynez Valley because their replacement of Madson is a sideways move. <– movie pun!  Well, for whatever reason the Phils don’t like Madson and what he brings, so they got themselves a marquee name to close out games.  I don’t think this changes Papelbon’s value whatsoever.  Or what so ever, if you like to space out.  You know whose value does change?  Welcome to the bigs, Daniel Bard!  Wait, he’s already been in the bigs.  Damn you, devil, get out of the details.  Here’s hoping Bard authors saves instead of losses like in September, otherwise hearing the Bahd is closing might be as stressful to the average Southie as the bahr is closing.  Though, I’d be a real Gomer to not consider the Red Sox may just bring in a different big name closer to fill the role.  Though, Part II:  It’s One Of Though’s Again, I do think they’ll give Bard the ball in the ninth and he’ll be terrific.  Throw him in the donkeycorns, kids, and giddy up.  Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves so far and what they mean for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Melky Cabrera – Traded to the Giants.  Luckily, I heard Sandoval’s lactose-intolerant or he might’ve taken a bite of Melky’s arm.  Melky was going to be overrated going into 2012 and now he moves into a pitcher’s park.  That’s a fold to the dealer’s picture card.  If he hits 15 homers and .260, color me surprised with a lime-scented marker.

Jonathan Sanchez – Goes the other way to the Royals.  Actually makes more sense to me that the Giants send away Filthy Sanchez then get Melky.  The Giants were fed up with Sanchez walking seven guys in four and two-thirds.  Never the hoo!  We’re talking fantasy not real baseball (whatever that is!) and Filthy can take down any hitter on any given night.  The question has never been his ability.  He’s the 25 to 1 gamble that you pray makes good on his promise.

Lorenzo Cain – Will take over for Melky.  Last year when I praised Cain, here’s what I said, “He has 20+ steal speed and some light pop.  Best case scenario, he puts up a Victorino-like season.  Worst case scenario, he’s unownable and while you’re dropping him to waivers you throw out your back and end up in traction.  I imagine in most leagues, he’ll be drafted as a “cool pick” then dropped before the first week ends.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s a great endgame sleeper pick.”  And that’s me quoting me!  For the short attention spanners, he’ll be a flyer worth taking in all leagues because of his 10 homer, 20+ steal potential.

Grady Sizemore – Likely to land an incentives-laden deal somewhere.   If one of his incentives is “Help Grey win a fantasy championship,” then I’d draft him.  Otherwise, it’s been real and fun but not really fun.

Rod Barajas – Signed by the Pirates.  Barajas is Spanish for “even in a deep league you’re not drafting him.”

Pat Burrell – Retiring so he can have more time to sleep with your wife.

Jamey Carroll – Twins signed him.  Nothing says offensive boost like a guy with a girl’s name.  Hey, I hear Greta Van Susteren can hit a curve.  Go after her, boys!

Wilson Ramos – Was kidnapped by gunpoint, but found safely by authorities.  His kidnappers said they decided not to use Ramos as one of their keepers.

Marlins – Revealed their new logo, which looks a lot like this.

From Around The Web

  1. El Famous Burrito says:
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    That Marlins logo is horrendous. It has no redeeming value whatsoever.

  2. Tony says:
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    ha love the comparison of the marlins new logo to the maroon 5 logo hahahhah…..

    I hate seeing grady leave my tribe, but then again its time, he hasn’t been good/healthy in years, he’s not worth what his contract was going to pay, which i think was like 9 million ish.

    Hopefully the indians invest the money elswewhere, but knowing my tribe, they wont….. I mean we did get Derek Lowe!

  3. Tarasco's Secret Stash says:
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    Hey, who you like more for the next two seasons: Jayson Werth on a rebound, or Alex Gordon continuing his self-reclamation project?

  4. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @El Famous Burrito: Yup

    @Tony: Ha… True…

    @Tarasco’s Secret Stash: Gordon

  5. royce! says:
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    A hilarious and disgusting post title– well done!

  6. stumanji says:
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    Hey Grey,

    Getting geared up for my keeper league’s winter meetings. In a vacuum, trading Adrian Gonz for Kemp is a no brainer, no? Or do you think 1B is more difficult to find a premiere replacement than OF?

    Keeper worthy guys on my team (12 team roto with OPS (no BA) and QS (no W), keep 6): McCann (C), Adrian (1B), Phillips (2B), Cruz (OF), Trout (OF), Choo (OF), King Felix (SP), Josh Johnson (SP), Ian Kennedy (SP), Romero (SP).

    Thanks. Looking forward to your 2012 rankings.

  7. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @royce!: Title was all Rudy…

    @stumanji: I’d keep Adrian, unless you can get a good 1st baseman in the draft.

  8. OaktownSteve says:
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    I sometimes suspect you and Rudy are actually the same guy talking to himself.

    Bill James 2012 forecast is available already. So are ZiPS I think. Interestingly if one googles 2012 Marcel, one gets a link to IMDB and a TBD film with the tagline: To Save A Life, He’ll Fight To The Death

  9. royce! says:
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    @Grey: That guy’s got a nasty mind. Well done, Rudy!

  10. steve b says:
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    the twins got like 18 middle infielders now

  11. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Oaktown Steve: Ooh, it’s like it’s Christmas morning!

    @royce!: I know, sicko…

    @steve b: Yup!

  12. royce! says:
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    I was trying to figure out why anyone voted for Kenley Jansen for ROY (albeit for 3rd place), and discovered that he set a record for highest K/9 with over 50 IP. Not sure how I missed that.

    Also, Espinosa had a higher WAR than Kimbrel, though that might be a product of fangraphs WAR valuing batting over pitching.

    Perhaps the above is not that interesting…I just needed to say more today than deriding (or celebrating?) Rudy’s brain.

  13. Steve says:
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    Man, as if Matt Kemp needed any more help pulling chicks.

  14. royce! says:
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    It appears that Top Chef has introduced a double elimination system in order to keep the only Texan around… I think the GOP should do the same, at least for the sake of comedy.

  15. Oregon Nut Cups

    Oregon Nut Cups says:
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    Jonathan Sanchez & Felipe Paulino in the same pitching lineup. Go grab pretty much every AL Central hitter in an OBP league!

  16. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @royce!: There’s another chef from Austin that is still in the Top Chef house. According to Rudy, his restaurant is excellent too.

    @Steve: Hehe

    @Oregon Nut Cups: But if they can control their walks…. Ah, the Ks…

  17. royce! says:
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    @Grey: Hmmm…they created double elimination to retain the only native Texan around? I’m still in favor of the GOP replicating such a system.

  18. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @royce!: Hmm… Maybe, not sure about that though. How do you feel about the Redemption Island curve ball thrown into Top Chef?

  19. Travis says:
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    AHAHA! That Wilson Ramos bit might be the funniest thing you’ve ever written… not a keeper… that’s too good, lol!

  20. royce! says:
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    @Grey: I have mixed feelings about it. If I went to a restaurant and had something terrible, I doubt I would return, so why should they get another chance? If I understand it right also makes it very difficult to evaluate the winner of the Last Chance Kitchen thingy on the same level as the other contestants because they won’t be participating in the same challenges. But I haven’t watched the first “webisode,” so what do I know? I guess that’s another thing I find annoying about it- why does it have to be online? Why can’t I experience a TV show without having to use my computer?

    I don’t like change.

    But otherwise it seems cool. I like curveballs and wildcards.

  21. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Travis: Thanks!

    @royce!: I don’t like change usually either. Put the Brewers back in the AL! But I actually like this as long as an eliminated chef doesn’t win the whole thing, which I think the producers will probably understand that sentiment. What I wanna know is do the other chefs that are still in the show know there’s a Last Chance Kitchen because if they don’t it’ll be fun to see their reaction two months down the road when they see a fellow eliminated chef.

  22. Steve says:
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    @Grey: That’s a good one. Too excited to have a real live major leaguer to make a casual call to MLB to check it’s all on the level.

  23. Steve says:
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    @royce!: You must be stoked to have Mrs Kotsay back in tow.

  24. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: Would’ve been even better if Paul was like, “Hey, I’m not signed with any club right now. I’m going to Australia and hiring that imposter to be my agent.”

  25. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: Now they just need Stone and Palmer to pitch for them.

  26. Steve says:
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    @Steve: @royce!: Oops. I meant in *town* of course.

  27. royce! says:
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    @Steve: A silver lining, perhaps… would rather have Lindsay Slott in town, though (whether she brings her bf Pence along or not).

  28. Steve says:
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    @royce!: Good heavens.

    Bet she’s not thrilled with that surname, though.

  29. royce! says:
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    @Grey: I hope they don’t know about the loser bracket, b/c it will make the show better in so many ways.

    When does the loser bracket player get reinserted in the regular bracket? It would be crazy if it is the last round, b/c that would mean the Last Chance winner will have defeated nearly everyone in a h2h competition. Seems like that would be a hell of a lot harder than just serving some scallops week in and week out and remaining safe in the middle, among other great strategies for remaining on the show.

  30. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @royce!: They get inserted for the finale. The Last Chance winner doesn’t need to defeat everyone. The next to last person voted out can win one H2H and get back in, which I think will be more or less how it plays out. Lots of winner changes in the Last Chance Kitchen, then someone towards the end when they’re good will end up back in the show.

  31. royce! says:
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    @Steve: Ha! Very true.

    @Grey: Duh, of course you’re right. So all that can be surmised about the Last Chance winner is that they will have lost one regular round, and otherwise have all “wins,” whether those wins are wins in H2H or simply through qualifying in the regular game. My guess is that somewhere along the line, a good chef will be eliminated, and one or more of the remaining chefs will say something like, “I’m really glad [x] was eliminated; [he or she] was my strongest competition,” and then that chef will reappear through the Last Chance system, crushing the remaining chef’s celebration. Kind of like how you can tell who’s going to be eliminated when someone talks about how great it is to have them on the show and how helpful and good they’ve been and how they’d be crushed if they were eliminated.

  32. royce! says:
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    @Steve: An interesting read, but I don’t know how much sympathy I can have for him or Paterno or anyone else involved in the scandal. I do criminal defense for indigent clients in California and have never seen anything like this moral apologism accepted by a court or a District Attorney, so it bothers me that people are so torn up about how they should feel about the Penn Staters involved in the scandal.

    Perhaps this experience could be educational for Americans (and others; clearly its important enough outside of the US to reach you) to show that people’s drives and actions are more complicated than the judicial system tends to treat them, and being “tough on crime” need not mean treating someone like they’re not human. Paterno is regarded by some as a god, and by others as just an exemplary human being, and I think that those who care so much about him are disappointed in his actions, and rightly so. (Those who are not disappointed in his actions are the people who concern me the most, but let’s ignore them for now.) He made at least one terrible mistake, as we all will once in a while. The administration has decided that his losing his job is an appropriate punishment for that mistake. If he hadn’t been Joe Paterno, but instead Joe Schmo, no one would give a shizz. But most importantly, people would be less likely to forgive him and would instead treat him the way Americans generally treat criminals — as evil people who should be locked up forever.

    One other thing– the general reaction to those who took steroids to play better baseball provides an interesting contrast. Most everyone involved condoned it while it happened, and most fans regard them, and the people who took the steroids, as bad people. It is strange to me that those people were/are looked down upon more than Paterno et al.

    Anyhow, the whole situation sucks and I hope something good comes about through the process, though I doubt it will.

  33. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @royce!: No, people get eliminated when they talk about or share pictures of their family.

    @Steve: Yeah, good piece.

    @royce!: @Steve: Did you guys see the Costas interview?

  34. Steve says:
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    @Grey: No – but followed it on Twitter and read some reaction.

    Sandusky comes off as a complete bully – which is exactly what he is, I suppose.

  35. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: Video’s on the web if you wanna watch it, it’s pretty disturbing, not that anything to do with that situation isn’t.

  36. royce! says:
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    @Grey: Re: sharing about family– totally. “I miss my kids so much!” Well guess what? You get to see them very soon!

    re: the Costas interview– yes, and I can’t believe that his attorney allowed that interview to occur. Or at least that he didn’t coach Sandusky that if he is asked if he is sexually attracted to young boys, HE SHOULD NOT HESITATE TO ANSWER NO.

    BOB COSTAS:
    Are you sexually attracted to young boys, to underage boys?

    JERRY SANDUSKY:
    Am I sexually attracted to underage boys?

    BOB COSTAS:
    Yes.

    JERRY SANDUSKY:
    Sexually attracted, you know, I enjoy young people. I love to be around them. But no I’m not sexually attracted to young boys.

    It’s like someone asked him if he likes a certain album whose value is debatable. I doubt anyone who saw that interview will be able to remain on the jury. Costas was unforgiving and relentless. really painful television.

    @Steve: Like Grey said, the video is disturbing, but I think that if you watch it you’ll hear that Sandusky doesn’t sound like a bully, but entirely defeated. To be something like fair, some of Costas’s questions were pretty dickish. Like the whole “you’re the most unlucky person ever” comment– prosecutors make that argument all the time, and it always angers me.

  37. royce! says:
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    In an episode of the League, one of the characters’ wife observes that every time her husband is lying, he repeats the question. A scene goes something like this: Wife: Have you been using my computer to look at porn? Husband (incredulously): What? No. Have I been using your computer to look at porn?

    Maybe Sandusky was trying to make a pop culture reference by repeating the question about whether he’s sexually attracted to boys. I’m sure plenty of college football fans got the reference!

  38. Steve says:
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    @royce!: Actually, I think I did read somewhere that he sounded defeated.

    I may have been confusing what he said with some of the remarks made by his lawyer – the way he kind of dismissed what had happened in 2002 (“In fact, one of the toughest allegations, the McQueary violations, what McQueary said he saw, we have information that that child says that never happened”) was pretty contemptible.

  39. royce! says:
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    @Steve: Oh, yeah, totally. His lawyer was, well, very lawyerly. He followed up that statement byt saying it’s “interesting, isn’t it?” that the state hadn’t found the victim but they thought they had, like there’s some crazy conspiracy against Sandusky. This is why I don’t like to follow big crime stories in the media- the lawyers, especially the defense lawyers, come off as total asses.

  40. Awesomus Maximus

    Awesomus Maximus says:
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    You SO stole that Ramos keeper joke from my brain. Seriously, after I posted the first Ramos keeper joke and then he was rescued, I was about to post, “Guess Ramos isn’t a keeper after all.” I figured it was derrota de un caballo muerto, though. Stay out of my brain, muchacho.

  41. Steve says:
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    @Awesomus Maximus: I’m going to snigger at all those “when should I take Wilson Ramos?” questions next season too.

  42. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @royce!: Yeah, agree with you about the interview. I’m not sure there’s a worst lie than when you start it out by repeating the question. To cover for it, he should have just started repeating everything to make it seem like that’s what he does. “Thank you for answering these questions.” “Thank me for answering these questions?” And so on… Also, Sandusky’s attorney emancipated his wife from her parents at the age of 17 then married her. So they were basically dating when she was 16. Oh, and he was 49! Put him on trial too!

    @Awesomus Maximus: You get the assist for that joke. It was the natural progression of your first joke.

    @Steve: Ha!

  43. Awesomus Maximus

    Awesomus Maximus says:
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    @Grey: @Steve: @royce!: I’ve been on IM with April Grey and he said I’m posting a joke like, “We can’t do a keeper league this year because we have one Venezuelan owner who takes the concept way too seriously.

    Not looking to get the whole Penn State fiasco conversation fired up again, but I wanted to mention just one thing about this portion of the Costas interview:

    BOB COSTAS:
    To your knowledge did Joe Paterno at any time ever speak to you directly about your behavior?

    JERRY SANDUSKY:
    No.

    BOB COSTAS:
    Never?

    JERRY SANDUSKY:
    No.

    BOB COSTAS:
    He never asked you about what you might have done? He never asked you if you needed help? If you needed counseling?

    JERRY SANDUSKY:
    No. No.

    BOB COSTAS:
    Never? Never expressed disapproval of any kind?

    JERRY SANDUSKY:
    No.

    ————–

    The notion that Paterno never said a word to him is ludicrous. Of course he did… he’s Penn State. If one person talked to him, it was Paterno. I think this was a disgusting public attempt for more “I’ve got your back, you get mine, Joe. I’m telling them you didn’t know anything, now you tell them I didn’t do anything and we can just keep all this between us like the good ol’ days.”

  44. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Awesomus Maximus: re: Ramos — Ha! re: Sandusky — It’s so ludicrous. If it were true, it would be be the most absurd thing. Joe’s inner monologue, “I just heard that Jerry was molesting a child in our shower. I’ve known him for 30 years, he’s my right hand man. I’m not going to say anything to him. Good talk, inner monologue. Now what should we have for lunch?”

  45. Awesomus Maximus

    Awesomus Maximus says:
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    @Grey: Exactly. It would be laughable if it wasn’t so heinous.

    Now, how much are we looking forward to tonight’s Survivor? I’m drooling over here. I think we’re getting a three-way Redemption challenge right off the bat, winner comes back into the game and Redemption is done for the season. My guess is that Ozzy will win Redemption, not win immunity, and then get voted right out again (if he does win immunity, it’ll be Dawn).

  46. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Awesomus Maximus: I was thinking we weren’t getting a Redemption challenge until there’s four of them next week then Ozzy will return and be voted right out again with Redemption done for the year. Tonight will be one of those episodes where they desperately try to make us think the alliance is breaking up and people are turning on Coach, but Dawn just goes home. I hope you’re right though, and I’m wrong.

  47. Awesomus Maximus

    Awesomus Maximus says:
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    @Grey: They did a four-way final Redemption last season, right? And I believe it was close to the end of the season. I feel like they want to give the returnee more time to strategerize this season, and the way they used the last episode to quickly ramp up to three people gave me a sense that it was for a purpose. Could be wrong, obviously, but I hope not. Once jury selection begins, I don’t like the distraction of Redemption.

  48. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Awesomus Maximus: I think they did a four way Redemption last year. The reason why I think it’s not this week is I feel like they would’ve highlighted that in the coming attractions last week.

  49. Awesomus Maximus

    Awesomus Maximus says:
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    @Grey: True, true. Speaking of coming attractions, I think this might be the week Crazy Frank comes back to the Real World house and drives his soul mate away. Should be a good night of telly.

  50. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Awesomus Maximus: I just got back from Vegas, so I missed Biggest Loser last night, so I might not be able to do Real World tonight. I did watch last Friday’s Kitchen Nightmare with The Burger Kitchen, you watch this? Best episode ever.

  51. Awesomus Maximus

    Awesomus Maximus says:
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    Kitchen Nightmares is one of those shows my wife and I will spend an entire day watching in a marathon, but we don’t watch it weekly.

  52. VinWins

    VinWins says:
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    ‘Storage Wars’ star Dave Hester is in a legal battle with rapper Trey Songz over the use of the phrase “YUUUP!”

  53. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Awesomus Maximus: You should try and catch last week’s. Brilliant.

    @VinWins: HA! That’s the best thing I’ve heard in a while.

  54. black_toshiba says:
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    Is a line of 3.00 ERA, 210 K’s & WHIP of 1.15 in reach for Tommy Hanson in 2012?

  55. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @black_toshiba: Possible, but it’s on the high side of things.

  56. Awesomus Maximus

    Awesomus Maximus says:
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    @Grey: Grabbing them now… two episodes, right? Probably watch them on Friday.

  57. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Awesomus Maximus: Oh, and make sure to Google the owner’s book after you watch.

  58. black_toshiba says:
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    @grey so a line of 3.25 ERA, 190 K’s & 1.30 WHIP is more realistic to expect?

  59. Awesomus Maximus

    Awesomus Maximus says:
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    @Grey: Will do.

    Hey, did you happen to notice that the new Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions winner looks a bit like Jim from Survivor who looks a bit like Frank from Real World?

    http://img685.imageshack.us/img685/4379/alike.jpg

  60. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @black_toshiba: Nope…He ended the season with pain in his shoulder.

    @Awesomus Maximus: That’s hilarious! It’s not like they lookalike as much as it’s the steady progression of the same person as you get further away from the family tree.

  61. Steve says:
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    @Grey: Took a look at the first ep. of The Hour last night. Slightly difficult to follow, but definitely worth another couple of looks.

    Don’t want to sound culturally presumptuous, but maybe a little Anglo-centric for US audiences. That said, you spent some time in the UK, didn’t you (me and my memory again)?

    *Very* strange to hear an English accent coming out of McNulty’s mouth…

  62. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: The Wire was difficult to follow too, and that turned out okay. I could see how it could be Anglo-centric. Doesn’t really interest me if it’s too much so. Yeah, I lived in London for 6 months.

  63. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: “It’s a bit hotchpotch.” Now that’s Anglo-centric.

  64. Steve says:
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    @Grey: Quite so, old chap.

  65. chata says:
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    @Grey:

    reports on weei … in july (?) paterno sold his home to his wife for $1 ,
    because he knew the shizz was going to hit the fan .

  66. chata says:
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    @Grey:

    also …
    somebody ought to tell rob neyer not to wear a tie (on mlbtv) if he
    doesn’t know how to tie a full windsor knot .

  67. chata says:
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    @chata:

    i recognize that he’s got some subject knowledge , but with the voice
    and the clothes , he’s coming off pretty dweeb .
    it’s a tough listen .

  68. Awesomus Maximus

    Awesomus Maximus says:
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    @Grey: Yeah… they’re not twins, but you wouldn’t be surprised to see them on the same Family Feud team.

  69. Mateo says:
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    The Marlins have offered Pujols a 9yr $250M contract.

  70. chata says:
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    @Grey:

    are we talking about this week’s survivor yet ?

  71. chata says:
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    @Grey:

    you have a lot of lawyers here , and i think they’ll confirm that
    this attempt to hide/protect assets will not fly in court .

  72. chata says:
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    @Steve:

    thanks for the link to the re-cap ,
    but was expecting some new revelations re: paterno .

  73. Steve says:
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    May have over-sold it a little but the inference is that it is starting to look like he (and not a few others) knew a bit more than they have let on.

    Main part, I guess is that it seems the cops sought out McQueary, not the other way around.

  74. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Mateo: Crazy

    @chata: Tomorrow we are…

    @Steve: Hopefully that doesn’t cloud his reliability.

  75. Steve says:
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    @Grey: I’m not a great legal mind but it does seem to contradict what came out in the grand jury report regarding what he did (don’t think we know exactly what he *said* to the grand jury at this point).
    Quite a story, this one.

  76. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: Yeah, definitely. By ‘his reliability,’ I mean McQueary. Don’t want anything to cloud him that a legal team can poke holes in. Also, yeah, it sounds like Paterno knew more, but of course he did. You can’t be Paterno and have a right hand man who’s a pedophile and not know more. He chose to look the other way is how I see it.

  77. Steve says:
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    @Grey: Yeah, got that you were referring to McQueary. I mean it’s not like the Times said he was shot to pieces as a witness (and he’s obviously been key to the investigation up to this point ) but you’d have to say there is at least the appearance of inconsistency in what he’s supposed to have said/not said or done/not done.
    And as I’m sure royce! would attest, inconsistency is where defense counsels make their living (borrowed that from Buzz).
    All that said, the only people I give a shit about here are the victims, so I hope that McQueary (or whoever) ends up in a position to make sure that bastard Sandusky gets everything he deserves.

  78. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: Yeah, exactly. And now it’s coming out that he sent this email that he went to the cops but that’s not the truth either.

  79. Awesomus Maximus

    Awesomus Maximus says:
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    @Grey: @Steve: Seems like McQueary is working to do some image damage control with his email and new story. Once you peel the PSU logo back, there isn’t a whole hell of a lot of honor or pride in that organization, or one of these alleged pillars of humanity would have stepped forward by now and laid all the cards out on the table.

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