Julio Teheran held the Pirates to one hit yesterday with 11 Ks in 8 innings, lowering his ERA to 3.30, making Teheran victorious vs. the Pirates. Which sounds like it was a battle of hostage takers. “You give us Wandy’s forearm!” “Okay, you give us Uggla’s Ed Hardy-clad booty.” “Um…What?” “You heard me, those jeans are hot on the black market.” “So, you just want the jeans or his actual booty?” “Enough questions, infidel!” Only these weren’t like Somalian Pirates, they were more like The Pirates of Penzance. Zing, high-five self! As Obama and New Jersey work tirelessly to restore Beachy to its former glory of cigarette-scented arcades, frozen custard and teased-out hair, Teheran is making the Braves job difficult for what happens when Beachy returns. Do you think the Braves bump Teheran? Maholm? Hudson? I got a question broken up into three parts, y’all! Maybe Maholm will get hurt. He did, after all, throw, like, 17,000 sliders last year. Well, time will tell unless the Mayans stop the planet abruptly. I’d obviously hold Teheran until the situation resolves itself. I.e., I’d take Teheran hostage. Zadow, fist pump self! Anyway, here’s what else happened yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Evan Gattis – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this is the best year for a player that was sleeping in a dumpster last year. Gattis went from off the grid to off the chain.
Carlos Gonzalez – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 6 RBIs with 3 homers. For the last homer, he wore a cape and an S on his chest, then DC Comics filed a cease and desist order but he explained to the judge he was making a corny escargot joke.
Nolan Arenado – 4-for-6, 3 runs. Sonavabench! Even worse, I could’ve had him in my lineup, but I didn’t know Kelly Johnson wasn’t going to play. Is this too much about me? Weeeell, sorrrrry! I’ve noticed a lot of people are asking about dropping Arenado. I can understand it, he’s been miserable. It would be nice to hold him through his next homestand vs. the Padres to see what he does.
Troy Tulowitzki – 5-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers. Yesterday, it was definitely the Arenado, Tulo, Gonzalez show, which also sounds like a show your DVR accidentally tapes. Wait, where’s my MasterChef?! I need to hear awkward fork-clattering-against-teeth from Graham?! No, not The Arenado, Tulo, Gonzalez Show!
Johnny Cueto – To the DL with who cares grab Cingrani! Kidding, I don’t care about Cueto, but you might. Good for you, sucker! Grab Cingrani! Pedro Villareal started yesterday, but Peter Realtown isn’t the answer for the long term and the last time Cueto was sidelined with this issue it took him a month to return. Cingrani should be back by this weekend.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Yes, the power has disappeared temporarily, but he’s hitting near .350 in the last week and has two hits in each of his last 5 games. Be patient, young Razzballer, the power will come.
Jake Peavy – Out for 4-6 weeks with a fractured rib. Pitching coach, Don Cooper, blames it on Peavy’s penchant for flashing the Mafia Crip gang sign across his chest after striking guys out.
Hector Santiago – Will move back into the rotation. He had an around 4 ERA when he was in the rotation earlier this year with solid, but not great Ks. Basically, exactly what Peavy was doing.
Stephen Strasburg – In what was inferred here first after reading shizz elsewhere, Strasburg was DL’d. It was a smart move by the Nationals. No reason to risk him and now he should be ready to go on June 16th when he’s eligible. Clubs making smart moves reminds me of my youth when managers would get fired after 5 days and all of baseball was on cocaine. Ah, the good old days.
Marco Estrada – Hit the Disgraceful List. Glad I didn’t own him on all my teams…. Only 10 of 11. Nice job, Estrada. That’s why Larry Wilcox was always my favorite. (Oh, who am I kidding, I needed IMDB to even know his name. Larry Wilcox sounds like a polarizing Councilman in the city of Los Angeles. Stop polarizing my people!)
Tyler Thornburg – Called up to replace Estrada. Here’s what Scott, our prospect writer wrote about him, “Wrote a brief scouting report on Thornburg during the season, so check that out here for a closer look. The gist: he’s an undersized flamethrower with a filthy change, a solid curve, and control issues. If he can command his plus stuff, he’ll miss plenty of bats and could be a nice option in all fantasy formats, except fantasy formats where the dwarf from Willow runs around saying, ‘I’m Grey’s son.'” Wow, didn’t remember reading that at all. Tyler is probably most famous for Richard Chamberlain playing him in The Thornburgs. He sounds like a Trevor Bauer-type to me. So, that’s high risk, high reward. Definitely grab him in NL-Only leagues, but be careful in mixed ones for right now.
Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 5 ER. He’s supposed to be bad in April, then correct himself. Well, he’s drunk if he thinks I’m holding him while he tries to fix things. Scratch that. Bad scenario. He’s officially the next man off my team. If it wasn’t for his next start coming vs. the Marlins, I would’ve dropped him already. After that start, good or bad, I’ll probably drop him just for the hell of it, just for the yell I get.
Ryan Braun – Sat out yesterday. I picture him at his house, cutting through a bag of drugs and flushing it down the toilet while his wife sticks a gun in her panties.
Brandon Moss – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer and 2nd in three games. I almost picked him up on Monday because of the Hitter-Tron, and he’s continued to swing a hot bat. Moss, not the Hitter-Tron, who swings a hot metallic bat. Bee tee dubya, Rudy has a small-ish post about this coming, but now on the Hitter-Tron there are stats for the likelihood a player will start. This is based on percentage of starts in the last 30 days vs. the type of pitcher he’s facing (righty vs. lefty), other highly classified math done by Rudy and which direction his daughter flung her poop.
Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. I realize I would’ve been better off with Colon instead of Gallardo. No need to point that out. We’re on the same page, and that page is the last page of my manifesto titled, “Why Gallardo Should Watch His Back In Dark Alleys.”
Josh Donaldson – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .332. He was the 5th most valuable 3B going into the game according to our Player Rater — ahead of David Wright, Pablo Sandoval, Ryan Zimmerman AND Nick Punto. His expected average based on projected BABIP is .268. The Buysellatops smells trade meat, and the Buysellatops usually can’t smell anything due to the use of aerosol cans.
CC Sabathia – A shutout, 9 K victory against his old team, the Indians. Actually, he shut out the sun and gave up four earned runs. He’s now 5-1 in 7 home games and 0-2 in 4 away starts. Somebody likes home cooking!
Travis Hafner – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, also against his former team. Is it not bad enough that the Yankees take everything nice from the Indians, but then they have to rub it in their face too? Obviously not. But then after the game when Hafner littered, well, there wasn’t a dry eye amongst Indian fans.
Brett Gardner – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, to go along with his 9 steals, 31 runs, 26 RBIs and .265. One of these years I’m not going to only love Gardner but own him.
Yan Gomes – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs as he hit his 6th homer of the year, his first in June after a solid $9 May (3 HRs, 11 RBIs). Not a bad catcher to play in daily leagues (especially vs. LHP) or as a hot schmotato pickup at catcher. Just be glad he doesn’t play for the Yanks as John Sterling probably would be all, “It’s Yan Gone!” every time he hit a homer.
Corey Kluber – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. He still has an outstanding xFIP (under 3) and K-rate (over 9). The 4.56 ERA shows a pitcher that isn’t worth owning anywhere, and he goes to Arlington next. Oh, well, we’ll leave it to DJ LeMahieu to appreciate all of Kluber’s trance beats.
Daniel Hudson – Had a setback in his rehab, and may not be back until late-July now. Here’s the problem with stashing these guys (Beachy, Lewis, etc.) as illustrated by Pitcher Injuries R. Crummy.
Josh Beckett – Mattingly said he’s unsure if Beckett will return this year after Beckett was shutdown for 4 weeks. The doctors then informed Mattingly that the season was longer than 4 weeks and Don said, “Huh. Any ideas who I should use for the ninth inning? This is so much harder without Torre managing for me.”
R.A. Dickey – 8 1/3 IP, 4 baserunners, 0 ER, 5 Ks vs. the Giants. Look at the reigning NL Cy Young showing why he won the award — pitching to weak offenses with pitchers hitting in pitchers’ parks.
Brett Lawrie – Ankle has yet to show any improvement. It’s swollen, painful, talking about how it wants ice cream.
Adam Lind – 3-for-4, hitting near .400 in the last week. Hot schmotatootatomhcs toh! That’s a paLINDrome.
Jason Vargas – 5 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 4 Ks. That’s so JV.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Sitting Shiva Perez is finally back!
Jeremy Guthrie – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Twins. Sonavanotbigenoughballs! I should’ve totally streamed him for this start. Gah.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer as he bats .237. Had it been ten days and five 0-for-4’s since his last homer game? I hadn’t noticed.
Jason Castro – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. On the surface, he’s been better than Wieters. Below the surface too. You name the surface.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Look at the Astros spark plug getting in on the action! “I’d plug that spark,” says the Hitter-Tron.
Matt Dominguez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Pretty much everyone on the Astros hit a homer yesterday. BTW, I was about to say Dominguez has been better than Moustakas, but I don’t even remember a Moustakas. What’s a Moustakas? See?
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks. He’s got it back…Oh, it was against the Marlins. The Marlins that have Ed Lucas batting 2nd. I’d say that’s bizzonkers, but you can’t even name who they have third, fourth or fifth without looking it up, so who’s batting 2nd is inconsequential. The Marlins manager could just pull names out of a hat. “Today, batting cleanup is… New Era?” That’s the Marlins manager accidentally pulling the tag out of the hat.
Domonic Brown – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Roger Maris’s family better start making road trip arrangements.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer. Au Shizz!
Hisashi Iwakuma – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. I was at a Japanese restaurant recently and I was chatting up the waitress, who complimented me on my mustache, when I heard someone behind me scream out, “Hisashi my dashi — slurp SLURP!” When I turned around, it was the guy from Gangnam Style and he was selling imaginary horses. Totally untrue story.
Kyle Seager – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer. He’s hit in the last 9 straight and near .330 in the last week. What he lacks in excitement he makes up for in reliability. Wow, I just sounded like a Jewish mother.
Nick Franklin – 1-for-5 with 2 steals. Watching this game, I realized the 2009 Nick Franklin was playing 2nd base for the other team, Gordon Beckham (who went 4-for-7, 1 run and 2 steals). If you can remember back to when Beckham came up there was some Franklin-like buzz and he seemed capable of the same type of stats. Hopefully if Franklin is ever compared to Beckham again it’s because he just married a Spice Girl.
Alex Rios – 4-for-8, 1 run, 2 RBIs and is possibly the most valuable yawnstipating player in fantasy. I’d get Prince Valium to give him the award.
Addison Reed – 3 IP, 5 ER. Thornton will probably be called on today for the save. Just the facts, four ma’ams!
Dan Haren – 4 IP, 5 ER. Pickled Haren and it smells rancid.
Dillon Gee – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks. Okay, Wheeler’s coming for you, so stop faking the funk and go back to being un-crunk. 2001 called, they want their lingo back.
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. On the year, he’s been more valuable than Josh Hamilton. HAHAHAHAHA… Breathe, Grey, breathe! Whoa, I lost consciousness there for a second…and it was awesome!
David Wright – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. His great grandpappy, Orville, would’ve watched the trajectory of his homer and thought, “Why did I draft Hanley?”
Jason Marquis – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. He was great for 5 innings with no-hit ball. Like flipping a coin 15 times and tails each time.
Scott Van Slyke – 1-for-3 as he homered yet again. His 6th in 19 games played. Sure, it’s doubtful that he’ll keep it going, but so what? Grab him now.
David Price – Will throw a bullpen session on Friday. If it goes well, he could be in a rehab game next week. If doesn’t go well, I’m gonna need a 24-hour watch.
Alex Cobb – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Tigers. After the game, he tossed Moore a Coca-Cola and said, “That’s how an ace pitches, kid.”
Doug Fister – 8 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Any baseball historian will tell you Fister never had a chance against Cobb. He’d sharpen his spikes on a Fister’s head.
Alexi Ogando – 5 2/3 IP. 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he returned from the DL. If someone dropped him because of his DL stint and because the RCLs only have one DL slot (who came up with these rules?! Oh, wait, that would be me.), I’d take a gamble on Ogando to pitch well while healthy.
Mitch Moreland – 2-for-3 but left with a hamstring injury and is headed back to Texas for an MRI. As frequent commenter, Carnac, said, “Moreland has to fly all the way back to Arlington for an MRI? They couldn’t do it in Boston? Thanks, Obama!” Hopefully, Moreland’s not out for too long because it looked like this season might have been his star mitzvah.
Adrian Beltre – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer as he returned from his hamstring injury. Yo Adrian, you did it!
Jacoby Ellsbury – Missed his 5th straight game after stealing five bases in one game. Lucky he didn’t steal 100 bases in that game.
John Lackey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, 2.79 ERA vs. the Rangers. Guess it’s time to re-evaluate my no likey, no Lackey stance. His xFIP and K-rate are solid, right around where his rates were when he had career years in the Los Angeles suburb of Anaheim. There’s gonna be some hideous match-ups for him down the road, but I’d give him a whirl vs. the Rays for his next start. *shudders* Makes me feel dirty saying that.
Wandy Rodriguez – Left yesterday’s game with a forearm injury. DL stint looks forthcoming. Gerrit Cole time?! Nah, Wandy’s likely replacement will be Charlie Morton. He’s worth his salt! But Jeanmar Gomez is also down. Now it’s Gerrit Cole time?! Nah, James McDonald or Vin Mazzaro or Andy Oliver… Hmm, then again, maybe Gerrit Cole is coming. If Cole’s brought up, it would be a gutsy decision like when Prince Fielder decides on dessert.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Likely out for a month. This is a major coup for Aviles, which is like the avian coup dream I keep having where Big Bird takes over the country and I’m forced to make baked goods for Cookie Monster, only this coup involves a player with little speed and power to take over the full-time job at short while Cabrera’s out.
Chris Perez – Wasn’t arrested for marijuana, but came close when the house he was in received a large package of it. He said he was just doing a YouTube webisode called, ‘Dude, Where’s My Closer?’ I wonder what tipped the cops off — the mullet, Chief Wahoo running into 7-11 to buy Perez Cheetos, hot boxing the bullpen cart or Perez getting bummed whenever the Indians played on artificial grass. This might explain why Perez kept asking Terry Francona if he knew where he could score some Franco-American Macaroni with Cheese Sauce.