Nick Castellanos a ti, Nick Castellanos a ti, Nick Castellanos a ti… Oh, sorry, I didn’t here you walk in. I was just singing Happy Birthday in Spanish with a Greek player’s name to anyone that was born on September 2nd. I’m glad you’re here. Sit down. You just sat down on the birthday cake. Okay, forget that now. This weekend rosters expanded, and with it the promise of a greater tomorrow. Yay, Billy Hamilton is going to steal 78 bases in September. Nick Castellanos will hit 12 homers and fix this gaping hole in my lineup I call, “Josh Hamilton Sucks.” All of the guys called up will be great (no, they won’t, but some may). It doesn’t mean they will be great immediately or even have the playing time to succeed this year. In keepers, obviously you pursue these players hard and fast like you’re Gosh Johnson, Josh’s porn star brother. In redraft leagues where you are desperate for SAGNOF, I’d grab Billy Hamilton now. If you have an open spot in your lineup and Hamilton isn’t playing, I’d still insert him and watch him get a steal in a pinch running appearance. Nick Castellanos is another ball of fruit — a melon ball, if you will. If he doesn’t have playing time, he adds nothing for redraft leagues. I will reiterate what Prospect Scott said yesterday, “I like his former teammate, Avisail Garcia, better and Grey is an idiot.” Okay, I will only reiterate the first part of that. In redraft leagues, you don’t want someone who will be great next year, you want someone who is swinging a hot bat right now. Now, go clean the cake off your ass. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Miguel Cabrera – Uh-oh. Now’s the time on Sprockets when we worry. Could a guy that seems like he doesn’t take very good care of himself be hurt? It seems so, and not just the day-to-day variety. If Miggy hits the DL, Castellanos could see time at 3rd base for two weeks, which would make him more attractive, but I’d still prefer someone who was actively hot schmotato’ing.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. To get Verlander’s, um, spirits up prior to the game, Kate Upton paid him a visit and it must’ve worked. Finally, an B.J. Upton that is helping fantasy owners this year.
Joaquin Benoit – 1/3 IP, 4 ER. It was a tied game not a save situation, and Benoit should still be locked into the closer role, but after pitching Saturday and Sunday, Leyland may go to Veras or Rondon for the save today. Just giving a little how’s your father to you save vultures.
Danny Salazar – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Tigers. So, basically, the only start Salazar didn’t look great in was the one where I streamed him. Ain’t that a kick in the babymaking apparatus? He gets the Mess next and the Stream-o-Nator rightfully loves it. I think there’s a tad more risk to that start than SON is letting on.
Wei-Yin Chen – 4 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. If the start before where he gave up eight runs in three-plus innings wasn’t a clear enough sign, this lame-brained start came against Not Your Slightly Older Brother’s Yankees. I have a new hyphenated first name for Chen, Control-alt-delete.
Adam Jones – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer. Hotdamn Jones!
J.J. Hardy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer. For where you had to draft him, you did well with Hardy. No mystery there.
Michael Morse – 2-for-4, 1 run. On Saturday, JayWrong did onto Morse going to the O’s as he’d do onto all single mothers if given a chance. I agree with him, Morse gets a boost in value in Camden with a lineup that wouldn’t be embarrassed to list itself on LinkedIn. I still am not going out of my way to own Morse until he’s proven that he is hitting. Yesterday, was a good first step.
Michael Cuddyer – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (18) and legs (10), hitting .328. Watch out, Chris Johnson, there’s a new boring name making a run at the NL batting title! Just joshing, Cuddyer’s been more than adequate for where you had to draft him. Damn, if it hurts me to say, but he’s been downright valuable.
Corey Dickerson – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a steal. If you use the Hitter-Tron, you enjoyed this game by Dickerson, because, for whatever reason, Dickerson is to the Hitter-Tron what Capuano is to the Stream-o-Nator.
Shin-Soo Choo – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (18) and legs (17). His slam and legs comes with generous helping of Sriracha.
Chris Heisey – 4-for-4 with four singles. The Charley Lau cycle!
Justin Morneau – 1-for-3. The Concusstador landed in Pittsburgh. I just want to pinch the Pirates’ cheeks with their ‘almost-making-a-splash’ moves. If they didn’t already own Neil Walker, they would’ve traded for him to follow up on Morneau and Byrd. Morneau in Pittsburgh doesn’t really change his value much. PNC favors pitchers, he’ll see more pitchers that he’s not as familiar with and there will be less people saying hello to him that he doesn’t remember, which always just freaked him out. That’s a push, negative and positive. I’d bid on him aggressively in NL-Only leagues because there won’t be anymore players coming into the NL worth bidding on.
Joe Kelly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Member how in 1998 people were enamored by McGwire and Sosa? Weren’t too many people talking about steroids, but it’s obvious looking back now. I think there’s a similar thing going on with some of the Cardinal pitchers. The Cardinal pitchers use black magic. Go ahead, pfft now. You’ll see. Looking back in fifteen years you’ll be like, “Of course, Joe Kelly wasn’t that good. You can see David Copperfield in the back of the dugout in this one replay.”
Brett Oberholtzer – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, 2.79 ERA. At some point, the Regression Fairies are gonna show up at his doorstep with a free pass for a day spa and a whooping on his ratios, but he goes to O.co next and could see taking the risk in some leagues.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, 2.92 ERA. Hisashi my dashi — slurp, SLURP!
Alex Presley – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Went the other way in the Morneau trade. Anyone who has read this site for a Urban Dictionary minute, which is a long time, knows I have much love for Presley. He could be a cheap 10-homer, 20-steal-guy over the course of the season. For now, I’d look at him like everyone else — only own if hitting. With that said, he did hit yesterday and from the leadoff spot. I’m eyeing him like a cyclops with a monocle and don’t be surprised if I grab by the time you’re done…reading…this…blurb.
Josmil Pinto – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he fills in for Mauer at catcher. A young Josmil, tougher than Nigerian hair, Josmil, Josmil, Josmil…Or whatever it is that Lil’ Wayne says in that song. Actually, I’m not sure Lil’ Wayne says anything in any song. Pinto showed some pop in the minors, and doesn’t look to be a lemon. He’s worth adding in AL-Only leagues because I’m assuming Mauer will take over at 1st base with The Concusstador leaving. Some sorta decree must’ve came along that the Twins need to have a concussed first baseman. If I were the Twins, I’d look into changing that 180 decrees.
A.J. Pierzynski – Pinch-hit solo shot, his 16th homer. Ugh, save that for Thursday’s sort schedule day!
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-3 and his 21st homer. If you had the means to platoon Moreland and, say, Chris Carter or Brandon Moss this year, you would’ve cobbled together a solid Frankenstein corner infielder.
Josh Hamilton – Out with a migraine and a sore shoulder. Or this is elaborate product placement for dandruff shampoo.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting near .300 in the last week with two homers. I find myself liking Angel outfielders more than I should — Bourjos, Shuck, Calhoun. It could be the Trout effect. He makes everything better.
J.B. Shuck – 1-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting over .350 in the last week. Like any great jazz man, Jive Bug Shuck has sprung up an extemporaneous hot streak that’s well worth looking at if you need runs, average and a black tar-induced coma.
Ernesto Frieri – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 Ks and the save. Going almost two innings yesterday could explain why Frieri was giving up runs until recently. He didn’t want The Sciosciapath bringing him in the 6th inning for saves.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer to go with his 32 steals. I Mr. Bungled quite a few things this year, but my biggest craux pas — which is a portmanteau of crap and faux pas — was saying to unload Gomez after his cold April. As our Latin American readers would say, mea culpa.
Matt den Dekker – 2-for-3 and his 1st home run and it was an upper dekker! Not really. He also chipped in a steal on Saturday and I like a guy that comes up and immediately tries to prove why he should be on the team. I’d start to grab him in deeper leagues, and watch closer in shallow ones.
Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBIs and two more steals (22, 23). Damn, that is sexy. Is it just me or do you want to make love to his SAGNOF?
Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-4, 1 run and two more steals (28, 29). Right now feels slow on the SAGNOF save front. Not a whole lot of closers are changing hands. But on the SAGNOF steal front, it’s been a crazy time, right? Three weeks ago, you would’ve never guessed Dyson would be winning you leagues.
James Shields – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.03. Still not having as great a season as his ERA would indicate, but unless you play in a league where appearances matter, who cares?
Matt Kemp – Will continue his rehab past Monday at an undetermined location. What’s with the secrecy? Is he an NSA leak? Will he be playing simulated games from the Ecuadorian embassy?
Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.78. There were some questions in the preseason about his health, then Carlos Quentin tried to pee in our Greinke Fanta and call it lemonade, but, overall, I’m loving Greinke again and has easily lived up to my preseason expectations. Long live Greinkes!
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer. Too bad Mattingly didn’t have as much luck disciplining his ex-wife.
Tyson Ross – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. Yay, super, who cares, he gets the Rockies in Petco next time out, and I’m already marking that down on my iCal as a possible stream. Right, Siri? “There are two Ross Dress For Less’s in your area. Please set aside six hours to go through their ‘folding.'”
Kyle Kendrick – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Cubs. It looked like a solid matchup on paper, but it turned into a solid on toilet paper.
Darin Ruf – 1-for-3 with his 12th homer. You ever get sad about dropping players that did really well for you? Well, snap out of it! *Cher slap* No, I am sad that I think I’m gonna have to drop Domonic Brown for Ruf. I have this sinking feeling Brown’s just not gonna be right until an offseason of rest. BTW, someone should do a mashup of Mask and Moonstruck where Cher says “Snap out of it” to Nick Cage, then slaps him and the slap transforms him into Rocky Dennis.
Michael Young – The Dodgers acquired him for Rob Rasmussen. Great real baseball move, a meh fantasy baseball move. Actually, if you were in a league deep enough where Rob Rasmussen was owned and you traded him for Young, this would be a great fantasy baseball move, too. Just doesn’t do much for Young’s fantasy value. He’ll split time at 1st and 3rd. Hopefully not in the same inning or that would really slow things down.
Felix Doubront – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the White Sox. Not quite what De La Soul meant by Potholes in My Lawn, but this is what I take it to mean in a fantasy context. I was going to stream Doubront, but I decided against it…Ah…Another pothole in my lawn. Okay, it needs work.
Shane Victorino – Left yesterday’s game with a hip contusion. Aloha is Hawaiian for hello, goodbye and ‘Ow, my hip hurts.’
Patrick Corbin – 5 IP, 5 ER. The Regression Fairies brought brie wrapped in puff pastry to your Breaking Bad viewing party and then they defecated on your ratios.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal. Member how excited you were for him in the preseason? As they say in the Gulden’s factory, you can’t muster some of that up.
Yusmeiro Petit – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks. Yusmeiro is usually known for its overpriced sushi and beautiful view of Los Angeles– Wait, that’s wrong. Yusmeiro is known for being a 5-plus ERA pitcher in 200+ major league innings. There, that’s right.
Hunter Pence – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. He hit that homer with the hustle of a man six inches shorter and the awkwardness of a teenager with seventeen more face pimples.
Alexei Ramirez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, and two steals (28, 29). I’d trust him to repeat this season next year about as far as I can throw him, and, since he’s skinny and I can bench press about 450 lbs., I can throw him a few feet, but still not enough to draft him.
A.J. Griffin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Whatevs! Did you see Sonny Gray (6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks) on Saturday? Why is a guy named Gray so beautiful? I ask me that shizz every single day of my life! Oh, and Gray gets the Asstros next. Sign me up for that quicker than intramural broom hockey, snitches!
Nate Eovaldi – 8 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.40. He’s gonna definitely be on my radar for next year, but for this year, I’d…tread lightly, Hank.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th steal. After he stole 2nd base, Yelich stood up and screamed, “I’ve felt my 4th boobie!”
Alex Wood – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the MIA Marlins. Damn, that’s just cold. I mean, were all those other quality starts just setting me up to get mollywhopped? Did he not even exist before he was called up? Is this all a fantasy baseball Inception-like dream? Should I have been watching Wood pitch while in a falling van? Please, someone give me the answers!