I almost made Tim Lincecum today’s Buy. His FIP really isn’t bad. He just always seems to have one bad inning. His numbers with men in scoring position: .346/.471/.547 vs. .243/.313/.379 with none on. But I’m not going to tell you to Buy Lincecum. I’m not sticking my neck out for him! He smokes marijuana! Now, Roy Oswalt I can get lukewarm about! How’s dem apples? Mildly delicious! You do have to think Lincecum can come around though, right? Forget him! We’re through talking about him. We’re talking about that handsome man riding a tractor, wearing $400 overalls. “Roy, when you chew straw, you ever feel like neighing?” “Never, Billy.” That’s Roy talking to Billy, who lives next door from him, and they share a special bond because their bathroom windows face each other from across the yard. It’s like American Beauty, but less beauty and more horses. American Black Beauty, that’s what they call it. But, really, don’t you think Lincecum’s at least worth a roll of the die if you can get him cheap enough? Forget Lincecum! We’re not talking about him. We are talking about Roy Oswalt. Yeah, he’s about to sign with someone. I think he can get around a 3.75 ERA, solid WHIP and a 7-ish K-rate, i.e., AKA, vis-à-vis, ergo, henceforth, where’d the rest of this sentence go, a number four fantasy starter. But what about Lincecum?! Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Elliot Johnson – He’s 28 years old. I can almost guarantee you his parents named him after the kid in E.T. While Longoria is on Reese’s, Elliot’s piecing together a solid couple of weeks. What? Terrible?
Zack Cozart – I left a special place next to my no-no area just for Cozart. Glad to have you back, now please hit 4 homers this weekend. Thank you!
Tyler Clippard – Here’s what I think happened. Davey Johnson realized about a month and a half ago he should’ve went with Clippard as his closer as soon as Storen was hurt. Everyone said it should be Clippard. On March 23rd, I said, “In all but the shallowest leagues, I’d grab Tyler Clippard, who sounds like a captain in the America’s Cup.” And that’s me quoting me! Rather than admitting he goofed, Davey went with Rodriguez long enough so everyone would forget that Clippard was the option everyone said he should go with originally.
James Russell – A) The Cubs don’t get save chances. B) Marmol will return and probably shoved back in the role even if he’s hot garbage again. C) There’s no C. No foolin’ here, don’t own Russell outside of very deep leagues.
R.A. Dickey – I don’t like knuckleballing, not because I’m worried it’ll make you go blind, but the pitchers don’t always have control over the pitch. You start a knuckleballer and the wind is wrong and he gives up 4 runs in the 1st inning. With that said (here’s where I reverse course), Dickey’s pitching about as well as anyone.
Ryan Vogelsong – Have I been playing down Vogelsong by calling him the equivalent of elevator music because of his lack of excitement, while putting his value to sleep? Look up his ERA and WHIP, now look at the last man on your staff. Ah, Simon never said to do that.
Felipe Paulino – You know what his name translates to? Phil Paul, the (Fielding) Independent pitcher of a 2.01, 10+ K-rate and who only 9% of the population is interested in. No idea why. So I’m stumped and stumping.
Anthony Bass – I told you to grab him in April, but I don’t know anything, right? Okay, if you answered in the affirmative and affirmative means what I think it does, then what are you doing reading this? Killing time in a doctor’s office? Your PO forcing you to read it?
Felix Doubront – Hey, it’s the guy that wrote Shawshank! Very cool. I wonder if Stephen King recruited him. Probably not, but I still wonder. I’m a wonderer, a wonderer… Okay, so I trust Doubront as far as I can throw him, but since he’s 165 pounds I can probably shot put him about five feet — I got guns! In a sea of blech, as the Red Sox should call their staff, Doubront has strung together some solid starts and has a K-rate over 9 and a xFIP of 3.58. His walks look like they crawled through a river of filth, but I’d give him a chance in mixed leagues.
Anthony Rizzo – I told you to pick him up last week and now he’s at 2% owned. Hey, we’re the two percenters!
Matt Adams – Did anyone get our title the other day, “Cards Call Up M. Adams, Hopin’ To Get Lucky?” M. Adams = madams. Isn’t it fun when I spell shizz out four days later? That post is still poppin’ fresh like the Doughboy, who Adams looks like, so there’s my Matt Adams fantasy.
Yan Gomes – You know there’s a Gomes out there with the first name Jahnee. And there’s probably an Ohnny too. Yanny has nice power, and could hit a trunkload of homers, because all Blue Jays seem capable of that.
Josh Bell – I’m curious to see Josh Bell over the course of a full season, because I think he could strikeout 275 times. On a related note, who’s the Diamondbacks’ minor league hitting coach, Dave Kingman? Bell does have an everyday job and some pop. I grabbed him in one league, FWIWuertz.
Xavier Avery – I told you to pick him up last week. Don’t make me go back there!
Daniel Nava – In today’s meeting of non-beNava’rs, we will be reading from Christopher Hitchens unpublished manuscript, A-Gon Is Not Great.
Rafael Furcal – His BABIP over the last few years is .296. His BABIP this year is .373. His expected average is .273. Maybe you’re asking yourself if I do such complex math in my head or on my Casio calculator watch? Neither, friend. It’s on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. Also, Furcal breaks down because he has old man legs. So Will Be Gimpy + Inflated Average = A Toothless B.J. Upton. Whoa! That was not what I expected. It was supposed to add up to Sell.
Edwin Encarnacion – Edwin’s expected average is around what his average is now, so that’s copacetic. You know what else is copacetic? The word copacetic. Has there ever been a word that fit so perfectly it’s meaning. The cop is on the settee, you crazy Chinookers. One thing that isn’t copacetic, Edwin Encarnacion. Do the Blue Jays have a sign on their door that says, “Bring us your unwanted third basemen and we’ll turn them into homer machines?” Right now, Edwin’s hitting everything in the air and all of it is going out of the park. Ground out much? No, no he doesn’t. Line drive much? Nopacetic. At this point, we have to assume 30 homers from him. He’s got 14 with 117 games to go. I’m not going to try any math because of what happened in the last blurb, but it looks like you have a guy that has nearly half of his homers already and still a ton of games. I wouldn’t sell him for an evening with Richard Simmons, but I’d explore options.