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Happy Black Friday!  Oops, sorry, I mean Happy African-American Friday!  As I type this, I’m being trampled at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  “There’s enough Scrub Daddys for everyone!”  The Diamondbacks got a head start on Black Friday sales on Wednesday when they traded Jean Segura, Mitch Haniger and Zac Curtis to the Mariners for Taijuan Walker and Ketel Marte.  What’s that old axiom, if you don’t know who the sucker is at the table, you’re the sucker.  Mariners, you’re the sucker.  If anyone forgot that the Diamondbacks fired Dave Stewart immediately following the end of the season, this was a reminder.  If Stewart were still there, the Diamondbacks would’ve traded Greinke for Todd Walker.  As Dave Stewart would say after reading that, “I’m not mad at ya.”  Don’t love the move to Chase Field for Walker, but the NL West makes that medicine go down a little easier, chim chiminy chim chiminy chim chim cher-ee!  Walker had a 8 K/9 and 2.5 BB/9 last year in 134 1/3 IP.  That goes up to 8.5 in the NL West and he’s pretending to yawn as he puts his arm around a low to mid-3 ERA.  The only thing that’s stopping you from nodding your head like a plus-size Pez is that Walker hasn’t done it yet.  He’s only 24 years old, not doing it yet isn’t a great excuse for never doing it.  For 2017, I’ll give him the projections of 12-11/3.44/1.18/153 in 160 IP.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2017 fantasy baseball:

Ketel Marte – Also sent to the Diamondbacks for a career year from Segura.  Poor Mariners, drank, they must’ve took a few head shots, drank, sit down you got had, drank, stand up and admit you got had, drank, pass out the complimentary tickets to get fans to attend Safeco, drank, Diamondbacks faded you, drank, you didn’t need to send Ketel too, drank.  As of right now, Marte isn’t on the Opening Day roster, but it’s early, drank.

Jean Segura – Went the other way in the Walker trade.  How I feel about this trade is more clear than Flint drinking water.  I like Segura, but he is not the 20-homer, 30-steal, .320-hitting guy he was last year.  Aren’t you supposed to build around young pitchers too?  Isn’t that Fix Your Team 101?  Don’t worry, Mariners fans are among the loudest homers, so you’ll hear all about how this is a great trade for them.  Yeah, mmhmm.  I rolled my eyes real hard between the yeah and the mmhmm.  You couldn’t even see my irises in the middle of the roll.  That’s how hard I roll!  For 2017, I’ll give Segura projections of 83/11/46/.274/27 in 580 ABs.

Carlos Ruiz – Acquired by the Mariners.  During the playoffs, I thought about Carlos Ruiz on the Dodgers and how he should be out baseball because he is so useless with the bat, so, of course, the M’s traded for him.  Did the AL West make some kind of world banking conspiracy pact to keep offense artificially low?  I blame the juice.  Hmm…I was using Siri to dictate that last sentence and it’s prolly for the best.

Danny Valencia – Traded to the Mariners.  After his fight with Billy Butler, Valencia was no longer welcome in Oakland, but he was welcome in the WWE, UFC and any buffet where Butler is at to get him the hell out of there.  If Valencia is used in the LLAMAS context, he has no value — no Valuencia?  For 2017, I’ll give him 51/15/59/.281/2.

Nori AokiAstros claimed him off waivers.  Aoki is one of those guys that sneaks into the lineup at the end of March and people start grabbing him and saying things like, “Grey, you are my mustachioed Jesus, but I have to say I’m surprised you’re not more excited about Aoki.  He looks like he’s leading off!”  Yeah, he’ll leadoff for one week the first week of April, get picked up off waivers, then immediately dropped when people realize he’s terrible.  For 2017, I’ll give him 54/5/24/.279/12

Brian McCann – Traded to the Astros.  The Yankees are your newly-divorced dad.  They broke it off with their old bittie, and now are trying to get themselves a squeeze that is half their age.  Whether that marriage was to A-Rod or Te(i)x, McCann was the stepchild that had to go too.  “Sorry, Brian, but as your stepdaddy, I’d like to say I never really loved you, but tried to make it work when I was in that backwards AF marriage.  I’ve cancelled your credit card, and good luck.”  That’s the Yankees saying goodbye to McCann.  For 2017, I’ll give McCann the projections of 66/19/75/.237/1 in 418 ABs.  Oh, and here’s what I said on the Twitter Machine the other day:

Josh Reddick – Signed with the Astros, and there goes my A.J. Reed fantasy right out the window.  Or will Yulieski Gurriel disappoint in the preseason and Reed does make the Astros?  Or will Reddick hurt himself as he does every year?  Or McCann?  Or Gattis?  Or will Jake 61*-nick not make it to April with a starting job?  I’ll give you a little backstage glance.  My stress gauge lowers about three octaves when the regular season starts just so everyday jobs are decided.  One thing that is certain is Reddick will have an everyday job if he’s injury-free.  By the by, Reddick’s brother has a billboard for STD testing in West Hollywood, his name is Gosh Reddick.  For 2017, I’ll give Reddick the projections of 59/17/68/.269/7 in 424 ABs.

Cameron Maybin – Traded to the Angels.  His last two ‘full’ seasons have looked like this:  10 HRs, 23 SBs, .267 and 8 HRs, 26 SBs, .243.  There’s a chance here for a cheap Fowler that Trout drives in so much that Maybin actually has a bit of value in 12-team leagues.  More likely:  Maybin is on and off fantasy waivers for the better part of the year.  In 2017, I’ll give him 74/6/48/.271/19 in 490 ABs.

Jesse Chavez – Signed with the Angels.  I’ve liked Chavez for a few seasons, and every year he’s in a rotation in the preseason then in the bullpen come April.  If he’s still in the rotation come February, I’ll project him then, for now I’ll say, the Angels should give him a rotation spot.

Andrew Cashner – Signed with the Rangers.  Last year calling Petco and Crayola Canyon home and his ERA was 5.25 with a 1.53 WHIP.   I actually think Cashner can do better in 2017.  Say, a 4.80 ERA and 1.45 WHIP?  This signing is gonna turn out as ugly as Cashner’s beard.  Yeah, Cashner is cashed.

Kendrys Morales – Signed with the Jays.  Look at the Jays getting younger!  Sure, only about six months younger, but imagine we were all six months younger.  We’d all get to enjoy the RNC one more time!  Somewhere, likely arguing with a dead ump, Earl Weaver must be so impressed with the Jays’ three-run-homer offense.  They’re like the teenager who is riding the train for free and to avoid the ticker taker they go station to station.  For 2017, I’ll give Morales the projections of 73/29/89/.268.

Lourdes Gurriel – The 23-year-old signed with the Jays for a seven-year $22-million contract after his 32-year-old brother signed for five years and $47.5 million.  I wonder if this is a sign that the Cuban signing bubble has burst, which is much less calamitous than a bubble bursting into Fidel’s beard.  “My Bubblicious is all over the fickin’ place!”  That’s Fidel bursting a bubble.  In Lourdes’ last season in Cuba (which is often compared to Triple-A), he had 10 HRs, 8 SBs and .344 in only 218 ABs.  On a real baseball note, I love the cheap buy by (stutterer!) the Jays.  On a fantasy note, I’ve heard him compared to Sean Rodriguez.  That feels unfair since Lourdes is young and could grow into something, and, watching Lourdes, he looks nothing like Sean-Rod.  Lourdes looks like slap hitter that could poke out 12 HRs and hit .290.  Ton of unknown here, for 2017, I’ll give him 17/2/14/.281/3 in 130 ABs and an August promotion.

Jason Castro – Signed with the Twins.  Castro is reliable; he hit 11 HRs and .211 in 2015, and 11 HRs and .210 in 2016.  The preceding is an example of how the adjective reliable isn’t always a positive.

Howie Kendrick – Traded to the Phillies.  Who’d the Dodgers let him out for?  Ruf!  Ruf!  Ruf!  BLAAAAW, Howie like me now?!  The ripper will not allow!  Sorry, I just mashed up terrible with wonderful — terrerful?  I don’t mind this move for Kendrick for an NL-Only league.  As long as he stays on the field, he will get at-bats.  For mixed leagues, he’s pretty meh.  I’ll give the projections of 71/10/55/.262/10 in 475 ABs.

Sean Rodriguez – Signed with the Braves.  Hey, wasn’t someone just talking about Sean-Rod?  It was either me or you and I don’t think I was the one talking about– *intern whispers in my ear*  It was me, when discussing Lourdes of the Underground.  Sean-Rod is a platoon player, so *raspberries lips* there’s that.

R.A. Dickey – Signed one-year deal with the Braves.  In honor of the Braves signing R.A. Dickey, during his starts, Braves fans should tomahawk with a cock and balls.  When this signing first went down, Prospector Ralph mentioned how we should pre-order the new book, “Cox to Dickey: The History of the Atlanta Braves.”  For 2017, I’ll give him 9-13/3.86/1.33/158 in 205 IP.

Bartolo Colon – Also signed with Atlanta.  Dickey/Colon sounds like an after-shower spray Lorenzo Lamas and The Situation would endorse.  For 2017, I’ll give him 10-12/3.92/1.23/122 in 187 IP.

   
  1. Ante GALIC says:
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    Grey!!!!!!!!

    This is sooooo goood, man! And to think it’s like 30 days to Christmas! What did we do to deserve such a bounty of plenty!!! Don’t answer, hypothetical.

    a. Don’t you think it’s time Weird Al does a version of the song below?

    …..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzwkcbTQ7ZE….

    The title? You’re my fl*shlight, of course! Gettin’ my through the night. And there has to be some mention of how Liza Ann got her ‘gina moulded for the same device!

    b. On Cashner, I will say that he could be better for two reasons.

    1. He’s from Texas.
    2. He’d be closer to his mom who was diagnosed with cancer (recently in remission) and am sure it was affecting him.

    ……http://m.mlb.com/news/article/123021666/to-make-her-smile-padres-right-hander-andrew-cashner-pitching-for-mother/……

    c. Nice Colon-Dickey to Lamas segue! Lots of sauce there required. Went for my mandatory Year 45 colonoscopy 4 years ago! Not a fun memory.

    Cheers,
    Ante

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Ante GALIC: A. Haha B. I suppose, but it sounds anecdotal C. Ha! Are you having a nice holiday?

  2. Malicious Phenoms says:
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    “Happy African-American Friday!” – I think that might be Raycess..HAHA

      • Malicious Phenoms says:
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        @Grey: What the bleep is “extra PC”?

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Politically correct, I was kidding

          • Malicious Phenoms says:
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            @Grey:
            Ok, I guess you got me on this one..

  3. Steve says:
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    How far down does Segura drop in your SS rankings? Still top 10? Cano’s production took a nice size drop after moving to Seattle…

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Steve: Likely bottom of top ten

      • Steve says:
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        @Grey: Thx Grey

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          No problem

  4. Ralph Lifshitz

    Ralph Lifshitz says:
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    I think it’s my irrational hate of Walker that has me lean Mariners on this trade. Of course Segura regresses, but he’s still the best player in the deal. I just don’t like Walker. The top of the Mariners order looks very solid (Segura, Cano, Cruz, Seager or some order of that). Haniger is a sleeper in this deal too, he has excellent bat speed and power, had a big breakout last year, his issue has always been health.

    BTW in Jersey, going to crush some real deal pizza and deli.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      I don’t agree at all… Walker’s a potential ace, Segura was terrible for two years then had a career year headed to Safeco… Where are you in Jersey? And why are you there?

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
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        @Grey: My wife is from New Jersey. I’m in Chester a couple towns west of Morristown.

        Walker is crap. Segura also made adjustments by lowering his hands that allowed him to pull inside fastballs. He also dealt with some shizz the previous two years and is still young at 26. Will he repeat last year, no. But he’s still good.

        Walker is going from a pitchers park to a hitters park, and he’s homer prone. I’ve just never bought him as a potential ace. The other part of this deal to note, is Seattle has more of a win now roster with their core. So maybe those extra years of team control are more valuable to Arizona than to Seattle.

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          That’s hilarious, my uncle is from Chester…. It’s super-hicky…. Not the Jersey where I grew up at all… We’re gonna agree to disagree on Walker/Segura… I liked Segura before, but going into 2017 is nothing but overhype… Walker hasn’t even touched his promise yet and he’s a 8.5 K/9, 2.5 BB/9 guy already!

          • Ralph Lifshitz

            Ralph Lifshitz says:
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            @Grey: Was he really? It’s all NY suburban money now. It’s where Porcello is from actually.

            Yeah maybe I’m wrong on Walker, but he’s homer prone and headed to a slugging paradise.

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              Porcello’s from there? Wow… Did your wife and Porcello ever, ya know?

              • Ralph Lifshitz

                Ralph Lifshitz says:
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                @Grey: Haha yeah she was his babysitter. Her father and his father coached pop warner together.

                • Grey

                  Grey says:
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                  Seriously?! Have you mentioned this before?

                  • Big Odio says:
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                    @Grey: he has

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
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                      I figured

          • Big Odio says:
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            @Grey: I’m still holding my prediction that walker will wind up being a stud bullpen guy down the road….oh and reading you guys talk about Jersey leads me to my stereyoooo type of Jersey..nothing but fat guys in track suits and women with too much aqua net in their hair.

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              Yeah, that is so not Chester, where Ralph is… It’s more like the Redlands

              I don’t see it for Walker, counting him out too soon

              • Ralph Lifshitz

                Ralph Lifshitz says:
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                @Grey: How commuted is Walker to becoming a great major leaguer? I’ve heard debate about that.

                • Grey

                  Grey says:
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                  He has attitude problems?

                  • Ralph Lifshitz

                    Ralph Lifshitz says:
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                    @Grey: I’ve heard there’s work ethic concerns.

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
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                      He’s young, he can grow out of it… think about yourself at 24

                  • Ralph Lifshitz

                    Ralph Lifshitz says:
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                    @Grey: I got married at 24 and had been at my 9-5 for a year. I was fat tho. Lol

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
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                      Ha, old before your time, huh, Ralph? Are you seeing Smokey while you’re there?

                • Big Odio says:
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                  @Ralph Lifshitz: I didn’t like what I saw of him in spring training. He’s lazy on the mound

              • Big Odio says:
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                @Grey: I don’t like redlands

                • Ralph Lifshitz

                  Ralph Lifshitz says:
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                  @Big Odio: Based on Wiki the median household income is about double what it is there. I’m not familiar with Redlands.

                  • Grey

                    Grey says:
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                    I just meant it’s woody, and country

                    • Ralph Lifshitz

                      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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                      @Grey: That’s true

                    • Big Odio says:
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                      @Grey: redlands isn’t woody. We don’t have much woody. If want woody you need to go north

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
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                      Maybe Oregon, but I’ve never been… Maybe Napa, but Napa’s beautiful, Chester’s not Napa

                • Grey

                  Grey says:
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                  I don’t either, was just giving a frame of reference

                  • Big Odio says:
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                    @Grey: Napa is definitely not jersey and ibe never been to jersey..well not after the age of 2

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
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                      Nah, jersey and Napa are not the same, but non-Sopranos parts of Jersey are farm country

            • Ralph Lifshitz

              Ralph Lifshitz says:
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              @Big Odio: Yeah where I am is all former Manhattanites in Audis, Benz’s, and Beemers. All the wives are trophies and the husbands just bankroll the whole thing. Very Stepford.

              • Big Odio says:
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                @Ralph Lifshitz: that makes me queezy

                • Ralph Lifshitz

                  Ralph Lifshitz says:
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                  @Big Odio: Good pizza, bagels, and subs. The choose to embrace the positive. Haha

  5. JoeG414 says:
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    Does the AZ deal open up even more playing time to Drury ?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      As of right now, Drury is their 2nd baseman

      • JoeG414 says:
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        @Grey: yeah , could be the J Schoop (or even better) of 2017

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Yeah, could be

  6. gigorilla says:
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    Black Friday Matters.

    So does Danny Kaye and Bing in White Christmas.

    Xway robbery for the ‘Backs–maybe the Hotlanta trade looks better now…..Not.

    Oh well, can you say Ying/Yang? Please don’t confuse that with Wang/Chung.

    4/2/17

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Wei-Yin/Yang?

  7. gigorilla says:
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    And go put up the Xmas decorations since Thanksgiving is over.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      It’s time!

  8. Big Odio says:
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    You ever watch/notice that those tiny house shows are always on? Like what gives? Do they want me to live in a hipster trailer park one day?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      I never watched it, saw the title and thought it was a midget dwelling show from a TLC Little Couple spinoff

      • Big Odio says:
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        @Grey: hahahaha. No people build these custom mini houses that are under 400 Sq ft. Its the new path to homeownership? I think. Anyways it’s amusing. Space is a premium and they’ll have throw pillows? Who the fuxk needs throw pillows if you shit literally right next to your bed. One of my favorite was the guy who had to have his mead tap. Nothing says space saving like a mini keg of mead and a drilled out fridge.

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Now I’m intrigued! It sounds like about the size of home Cougs and I can afford in LA…. We’d have to get rid of some of the kitchen supplies we use once every two years… Goodbye, pasta maker!

          • Big Odio says:
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            @Grey: you can make pasta by hand…right? It’s quite amusing though. Most the ones I’ve seen people will be squatting on a friend’s property or living in the middle of the forest. I think the people with two kids doing it are nuts. Yeah thats going to work out long term. They say things like I want to reduce my carbon footprint.

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              Sounds like people I’d find amusing only not in person

              • Big Odio says:
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                @Grey: in person can spawn a whole ton of inappropriate and uncomfortable questions.

                • Grey

                  Grey says:
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                  Lots of hand wringing

  9. Big Odio says:
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    Alex Guerrero off to Japan. I hope Jon Singleton takes the hint.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      KBOom!

      • Big Odio says:
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        @Grey: he’s going to be the Guerrzilla

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Nice!

  10. Odor's Odor-izzi spray says:
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    Those Cameron Maybin numbers definitely seemed crazy to me too, but they seem crazy to baseball reference too, this is what they’ve got for him over the last six years: 137, 147, 14, 95, 141, and 94. Did your numbers include minor league games too?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Oops, I must’ve…. He averaged 106 games per year… Yeah, that’s a different story… My bad…

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Updated

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