Fantasy Baseball Advice

Well, screw you. That’s a great title. Are you kidding me? That’s like top five best titles you’ve ever read on this site. Maybe top three. What did you say, that’s more of an indication of this site’s bad titles than how good this one is? Ouch. So Maine probably shouldn’t have been in the ninth anyway, but Willie’s a player’s manager! Maine, for all intents and purposes (whatever that cliché means), basically throws a shutout with four Ks. The Ks could be better, but what’s important is what we can expect going forward? Okay, let me see what the future holds by pulling out my voodoo bloody rooster ala Angel Heart. (Instead of rooster, I almost wrote cock, but you can imagine why I was hesitant to write bloody cock. There’s some things you don’t joke about; a bloody cock is probably at the top of that list. In fact, I would go as far as to call it, The Bloody Cock List of Things You Don’t Joke About. On The Bloody Cock List of Things You Don’t Joke About: Never joke about sleeping with your friend’s sister. Never joke about your friend’s dead mother. Never joke about the weather (because it’s not funny). I’ll let you to decide what else should fill out The Bloody Cock List of Things You Don’t Joke About.) So going forward with Maine, I see fifteen more wins, a 3.50 ERA, a 1.30 WHIP and 150 Ks. Is that good? Um, yeah. Dur. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Joey Votto – Scott Hatteberg had this to say after the game, “Let’s see him walk three times in a game.” Was on the phone with a buddy when Votto hit the third of his three home runs, here’s what was said, “I think he can get to thirty.” “Years?” “No, home runs.” “Possibly, but Dusty might find a way to screw things up.” “Never underestimate Dusty’s ability to screw up anything.” “Are you still comparing Votto to a drug-free Hamilton?” *thinking* “No.”

Edinson Volquez – I’m not as excited about Volquez as I am about Cueto even though the fantasy numbers for Volquez couldn’t be much better at 5-1, 1.06 ERA and 62 Ks. His walks are way too high. I know, a quibble to some, but I would explore trade options before Volquez’s wake up call comes, um, calling.

Carlos Gomez – Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first day in the history of Major League Baseball that a rookie hit for the cycle and another rookie hit three home runs. (Actually, I made that up, but it sounds like something Elias would say. Whoever Elias is, they sure have a lot of time on their hands.) Big day for the rookies, as Gomez hit for the cycle. This was a great game for Carlos and I wish him the best, but I still think .260 is a pipe dream. You could do worse for the amount of steals he’s going to give you.

Jeremy Guthrie – I listed him as the top guy to replace Rich Hill or Yovanni Gallardo on teams. So far, I’m happy with that decision. He faced a team (da A’s) that was number three in the AL in runs scored and he performed decently. The fourth run was given up by Walker. Guthrie’s K/9 is fine and he really was only hit hard three times. He actually looked better than Blanton, who gave up less runs according to the box score. This is between the numbers, bitches!

Mila Kunis – Hot. (Oh, I’m sorry. I thought for a second I was Matthew “Creepy” Berry. But then I would’ve mentioned Crocodile Dundee II: The Search for More Bad Comedy. Oh, wait, I just did.)

Mike Jacobs – Hit a home run, but the umps missed the call and it went as a double. If the stupid Marlin fan would’ve just caught the ball, it wouldn’t have been an issue. Worse news, Jacobs left with an quadriceps injury. Hopefully, it’s nothing, because I need him on a few teams. And, really, this is about me.

Ryan Zimmerman – As previously stated, I’m not a Zimmerfan. Yesterday, he hit two home runs which gives you an opportunity to sell. Sorry to be a Bummerman.

Erick Aybar - I wonder if it irks Chone Figgins when he sees Aybar emulate ’04 Figgins. Or if Figgins smells Aybar’s dirty jersey and it takes him right back to ’04. Or if Figgins watches Vlad towel-snap Aybar as he exits the showers and Figgins sighs.

Cliff Lee – Looked absolutely tremendous. 6-0, ridiculous ERA that’s under one. So let’s say he ends the season with a 4.00 ERA, which is in line with his career numbers. That means he has a 5.00 ERA the rest of the way. You make the call! (In all fairness, his K/BB ratio is outstanding.)

Mike Napoli – Another home run. Not sure how many homers you need before it doesn’t matter that he’s benched every other day. A HR/8 ABs, in case you’re a nerd who needs stats.

Ryan Ludwick – Okay, so his fan club isn’t well attended, and his name sounds like a 17th century composer, but he just hit another home run. I keep touting that he’s headed for more playing time. Not sure if people are listening.

Armando Galarraga – For the last three weeks I’ve been saying, “Pull out!”

Chris Iannetta – Showed a great eye in the minors and decent pop, which turns into great pop in Coors. You could do worse in 2nd catcher leagues, NL-Only or deep mixed leagues.

Zach Greinke – The trade for Zach Saberhagen seems to be working out okay. If you get a chance, give Rudy crap in the comments. He loves that.

Adam Wainwright - A lot of my pitchers went last night. They all looked good. Running count: Maine 3 teams, Hudson 3 teams, Wainwright 3 teams, Greinke 2 teams, Volquez 2 teams, Wainwright 4 teams. Wow, Grey, you must’ve drafted pitching high? Actually, grasshopper, I don’t usually draft pitchers until the fifth round and Rich Hill was my second pitcher off the board in a lot of leagues. Wainwright, Hudson or Maine were my third pitchers, Greinke fourth or fifth pitcher and Volquez or Jurrjens were my fliers. Shawn Hill, Jo-Jo Reyes or Guthrie replaced Rich Hill on most of my teams. How does it feel to see behind the curtain, grasshopper? *you nod in awe* Okay, class dismissed.

Yovanni Gallardo is due to pitch this weekend, so that means Dave Bush could be bumped. Unfortunately, I’m not sure it’s going to work out that way. Here’s the scoop, as the newsies used to say. Manny Parra was just plain wild today. I wish I could blame the home plate umpire, DeMuth, for Manny Parra’s start like I will later blame the home plate ump for Edinson Volquez’s somewhat rocky win. DeMuth is notoriously a hitter’s umpire, but lots of Parra’s pitches weren’t even close. Demuth did not ‘squeeze’ Parra. Out of five walks and five hits he gave up to the Cards in 4 innings, Parra was very lucky to get out of it with only three runs earned. This could’ve easily been a five run first and Parra out by the second. What does this mean for Manny Parra going forward? Well, it’s good that Villanueva had a worse start on Wednesday, but you don’t want your future riding on other people’s misfortune (hey, I could write fortune cookies!). Right now, I see Gallardo getting Villanueva’s Monday start, because Villanueva has experience as a reliever. However, if Bush pitches decent and Parra’s bungles his next start, Parra may get bumped. Or Parra may just get sent down. This has the makings of The Pierre Situation™ for pitching. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Edinson Volquez – As I mentioned earlier in regards to umps, Volquez was getting squeezed so much he should press sexual harassment charges (sorry, that sounds like something an ESPN announcer would say). Let’s just say, Volquez didn’t walk in one run by walking Ted Lilly. He struck him out and the ump didn’t call it. He did not walk four batters. Maybe two. (Quick aside, I have a conspiracy theory. I think because MLB had to crack down on steroids, which will hurt offense — and offense puts asses into the seats — MLB had to do something to ‘enhance’ the offense. What did they do? They told the umps to shrink their strike zone. I have no proof of this and if you were to hear someone saying this in a bar, you’d probably roll your eyes and walk away. But I digress.)

Joey Votto – I know Dusty gets no love in the United States of The Blogosphere, but he’s playing Votto.

Pat Burrell – Burl, not Bur-rell, went to college with my girlfriend and slept with one of her friends. That will never get old! (Unless, of course, I find out her ‘friend’ was her, then I might vomit. And breakup with her. While vomiting. Anyway…) Burrell will hit 35 home runs, but I’d try and trade him, except in leagues that count OBP.

Joe Crede – “You can put it on the booooard… YES!” Harrelson’s a doucebag. Oh, and send my regards to Josh Fields.

Franklin Gutierrez – And you thought you’d never have to hear about him again. He turned on a Verlander fastball and sent it down the line for a double. Two days ago, two steals. Today, two hits. Cust kayin’.

Justin Verlander – Rudy’s pick for Cy Young doesn’t look so good. (My pick’s on the DL, sweet!) If it wasn’t for Peralta grounding into a double play with the bases loaded in the first inning, Verlander’s line would look much worse. Verlander was the one AL pitcher in the first tier, I actually considered drafted (I didn’t, but I considered it). Well, I’m sure some pundit is breaking down how Verlander’s curve has flattened because the tilt of his elbow has changed from 42° to 48°. Well, whatever, brainiac. I would not trade for him or trade him away (same with Sabathia). Unfortunately, you need to take a wait and see approach.

Fausto Carmona – I also don’t have him on any team, but he’s continuing what he started last year. Low Ks, okay WHIP, keeping his team in it for a win. He also got his control back after his last start, which is a good sign. Maybe last time out it was too much Cristal after signing that big contract.

Prince Fielder – Gathering all his strength from his inner veggie burger, he went deep. Take that meat lover’s! BTW, I see 45 homers more on the way.

Eric Gagne – I inexplicably left him off this week’s closer look. Probably because he looked good last week. He’s still a ticking bomb. A big, ex-steroid-taking, ticking bomb.

Ryan Zimmerman – I avoided him like the plague in drafts and I wish I could assuage (Word of the Day, May 23rd, 1999) your fears, but I can’t. I don’t see him having a good season. Someone might. I would trade him.

Carlos Quentin – Maybe it’s his good eye, but I love Carlos Quentin, have for a long time. If I wasn’t soooo busy with the Alex Gordon Fan Club, I’d totally start a Quentin one. Anyhoo, he’s getting his at-bats. I would grab him if you had room. Oh, and start the blog GreyLovesQuentin.com, I’ll guest post, if you’ll have me.

Nick Markakis – Three homers, four steals. To start a fire, you need a sparkakis!

Bobby Jenks – I’m no more worried about him today than I was yesterday. Which is to say, I have Dotel on one team.

Jake Peavy and Jeff Francis – Both pitched extremely well. I think I could throw quality start in Petco.

John Lannan - Before you get any ideas, he had 16 Ks in over 45 innings up until tonight. Blip on the radar.

Melky Cabrera – Considering I took him with the 283rd pick in my ‘pert league, I’d say I’m getting value. Are you?