I think any one of us that spent their 20′s seeking inebriation and adventure had to deal with their share of Sausagefests. You know the ones where your buddy did a great job of collecting all of his brethren to come over on a Saturday night and play Beirut, pound brews, and act like the cocky jerkwads we all are. The problem with these casual get togethers was always the same. Said friend, let’s call him Fred, overlooked one major component of any good college party. Girls! No one wants a 5 to 1 pee-pee to va-Jay-Jay ratio, not even the va-jay’s. Because the bottom line issue is no one wants to spend all night competing for the attention of the same 6 girls. It leads to redundancy and an overall lack of what we all seek, adventure. The same is true for Draftkings. I think we’ve all had nights where the pitching options are thin. Nights where there’s one Clayton Kershaw and a whole crap ton of Felix Doubront’s and Francisco Liriano‘s. On these nights it makes it incredibly difficult to break away from the pack in GPP’s because there’s not enough quality options to put your faith in and dollars behind.

Well my friends you’re in luck, because today is the kind of party you’ve been waiting for. Saturday is a Sexy Soapy Sorority Party of Pitching Delight. A roster of options packed to the gills with randy tight arms in sexy Halloween costumes. Just look at these names Max Scherzer, Jon Lester, Chris Sale, Sonny Gray, Jeff Samardzija, Mark Buehrle, Zack Greinke, Alex Cobb, Andrew Cashner, Ervin Santana, and Roenis Elias. That’s 11 startable options! When the hell does that ever happen? It should be easy to find a 1-2 combo with tons of upside, that will allow you to rack up the points and still have room to grab some bats. Today would be a great day to start playing Daily Fantasy Baseball at Draftkings if you haven’t. You can Play your first game for free with us by clicking Draftkings.

Without further ado, my picks for Today’s Draftkings contests:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The 2014 season is two months old, so it’s data day here at the Razzball Steals Emporium. This is kind of like the chapter review our teachers gave us in school, except there is no test, so everybody wins. We have to mention Dee Gordon to start. His ADP was 222. This is ironic because that’s about how many steals he’ll likely end up with this year. With 34 stolen bases on June 1, the 26-year-old middle infielder is on a crazy pace for about 90 swipes this season. Billy Hamil-who?

Gordon has always had speed, but he’s doing more to utilize it this year in the majors. He’s been successful on the basepaths 92% of the time. He’s swinging at less pitches outside of the strike zone, making better contact, and striking out less in general. Gordon has also been hitting more ground balls, less fly balls, and significantly less infield fly balls. This has all resulted in a better batting average, better on-base percentage, and in turn crazy stolen base numbers. It’s almost as if someone reminded Dee that he was fast and should just try to put the ball on the ground. Amazing!

Gordon owners can enjoy the ride and shouldn’t stay up at night worrying about him falling off a cliff. If anything, I wouldn’t be shy to acquire Gordon off of an owner who was nervous about that very scenario. He won’t provide much outside of stolen bases, but he’ll help you come close to winning that category from a middle infield position, allowing you to roster more balanced players in your outfield slots.

Here’s where we’re at with steals through the first two months in 2014 fantasy baseball…

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Ah yes, David Price.  I like to think of Price as a great pitcher who flies under the radar.  He’s like the Spinal Tap of baseball.  Feel free to call me out on this, I did five minutes of research/thinking in the shower for that simile.  Sure, we all know his name, but how often does he come up when you compare him to his peers: Clayton Kershaw, Justin Verlander, Felix Hernandez, Adam Wainwright, and Stephen Strasburg?  Price is looking to dominate in what looks like his last year with the Rays.  If he plays well, I fully expect the Yankees to offer him a $400 million, 10-year contract.

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For the 2nd time in two months, Yu Darvish has woken with a stiffy. A stiff neck, that is. Perhaps he should swallow the Viagra pill rather than letting it dissolve in his mouth before bedtime. On the fo’serious, what’s the problem with Texas and necks? I blame the NRA. They insert themselves in national debate, always pointing their finger at people and away from themselves. That’s the Neck Rehab Association. That was clear, right? What does Yu’s bed and pillow arrangement look like? Did he have his favorite Japanese architect of those tiny little cot-beds that are in hotels in Tokyo design his house? Maybe the Hello Kitty pillow is meant more for adornment rather than comfort. Can I have answers, I insist on truthiness. If I were the Rangers, I’d probably take a look at how he’s sleeping, that’s all I’m sayin’. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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If you haven’t heard about the fiasco surrounding the new Dodgers television deal then good for you. There are a lot more important and interesting things to talk/think/know about. If you want to know check out this article. The Dodgers are finding other ways to get their fans an opportunity to watch and it’s benefitting true baseball fans everywhere. It seems that the pitching staff is attempting to throw no-hitters on a daily basis so that MLB Network will show the late innings of games across the country including in the Los Angeles Area.

So… cable packages are skyrocketing out west. Join the party. Gas prices are highest in the country. Home prices are astronomical. Magic Johnson can’t be blamed for all of this. What has caused this? Well, it could be the fact that you get to watch championship caliber sports all year around—Seahawks, 49ers, Sharks, Kings, Ducks, Warriors, Giants and A’s. It could be that you don’t have to stay up until 2am to watch a full slate of games on a given day. Or, it could be the weather.

As I look across the slate of games on the menu today, every single game not being played on the west coast has a chance of rain. Every west coast game has a 0% chance of rain. I had to check 5 times to believe it myself. Yes, a couple of parks have retractable roofs which can minimalize the weather impact and some have only 20% chance, but that’s a scary sight to look at for daily fantasy.

Losing sucks. And when your players don’t play you tend to lose. I don’t wanna play that game today. I don’t want to hinge my dollars on the meteorologists. They have the only profession where a success rate worse than a major league hitter is acceptable. I’m not scared of rain, but as we all know by now millionaire baseball players are deathly afraid of playing in the rain. So there might not be too much baseball happening until 10pm EST.

No need to take the day off from Draftkings! It’s time for a late night party. There are options to participate in contests that only include early games or late games depending on the schedule for the day. Today offers “Late Games Only” contests on Draftkings. Let’s head out west. Remember, if you haven’t already signed up, this link will get you a free contest right off the bat—insinuating you have to hit the ball first. If you’re a swing and miss type of person, this probably isn’t for you. You’ll have to pony up some money.

These are my picks and I scoured every bit of information. As the whifey will attest, I’ve overlooked two things in my entire life—ok maybe that’s my version of the truth. Make sure you take a look at what the DFSBot has to say about points projections and price relative value before you set your lineups. Mrs. DFSBot has nothing bad to say about him so he must be perfect. Or abusive. I mean definitely perfect.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As always, probable pitchers are subject to change. For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click this link.

The story of Edinson Volquez and Johnny Cueto is the Tale of Two Reds.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times to have Dusty Baker as a manager. It was the age of the possibility, with two pitchers on the same team going after the Cy Young every year. It was the age of those two hurlers sharing an apartment and duking it out on PlayStation. It was the epoch of mid-90s fastballs, it was the epoch of a Cincinnati team that never made it, it was the season of 2008… It was the season of throwing way too many pitches, but it was the spring of hope …

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Bauer is back. You have 24 hours to pick him up before someone else does and the terrorists win. Cleveland Indians pitcher/rapper/counter-terrorist Trevor Bauer will be called up to start Tuesday versus the Tigers and likely take over Danny Salazar‘s spot in the rotation. The third overall pick in 2011, Bauer has filthy stuff, with numerous pitches at his disposal, including that sweet 95-97 mph fastball. He has struggled with control during his brief stints in the majors (7.1 BB/9 in nine major league starts), which has ultimately kept him from finding success in the big leagues. However, in a spot start in early April (6.0 IP, 4 H, 2 BB, 1 ER, 8 K), it seemed like Bauer’s command issues were a thing of the past.  Granted, that start was against the Padres, but he impressed nonetheless. Although he labored through his latest minors start (5.2 IP, 12 base runners, 6 ER, 4 home runs), the Indians obviously think Bauer is ready to show his stuff, and I don’t mean his free-styling ability. Yeah, he raps. Does that make you like him more or less? Not so sure? Maybe you should listen and judge for yourself. He’s still not as bad as P. Diddy. Whether you believe T-Bau’s a gifted lyricist or not, his 4-1 record, 2.15 ERA, 1.09 WHIP and a 44/14 K/BB ratio in 46.0 IP at Triple-A this season could certainly help out your fantasy pitching staff. If he can pitch twice as good as he can rhyme, Lil’ Trev could be headed from the “Gutter to the Grail” like his song. He raps,  “From gutter to grail, we rise up to win it/Wahoos on first with his eyes on the pennant.” So Trevor Bauer can spit hot fire, let’s see him throw some hot fire next week versus Detroit. Based on his upside, he’s worth the add in all leagues. To quote the the Notorious T.R.E.V., “Getting filthy with the pitch…getting stupid throwing cheddar,” pick up Bauer in your league, cause buying Bauer makes you better.

Here’s what else happened Friday night in fantasy baseball:

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I know it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve posted.  Well I’m going to make it up to you.  Anyone who finds my Facebook profile will get a personalized note mailed to them; I’ll even seal the envelope with a kiss!  Hint: my first name is Jeremy.

On this week’s edition of bears and bulls: Doug Fister.  Fister is probably better known for his PG-13 name than for his pitching.  We’ve all seen team names like “Fister?  I barely know her!” and “Fister in her Pujols”, but I’m not here to talk about unoriginal puns.  But I am here to talk about the Nationals newest addition to their already dominant rotation.

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As always, probable pitchers are subject to change.  For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click this link.

When did pitchers become such complete morons?

Michael Pineda’s pine tar party is way old news now, but let’s just go back and revisit what was truly dumb about it: It’s not that he tried to use pine tar, it’s that he tried to hide it on his neck!

Last week’s dummy was Matt Cain. Apparently, he read some of the scouting reports that said his 2013 was a tale of two-halves, which might have given him the idea to make a sandwich in the Giants’ clubhouse before the team’s game last Tuesday against the Padres. Whoops! Cain sliced his index finger instead of a tomato, or whatever, and had to be scratched. It’s not dumb that Cain wanted to have a sandwich on game day. It’s idiotic that he had to make one himself. Don’t they bring in catering before the game? Why are they making their own sandwiches? Aren’t these guys pampered millionaires?

There is an actual fantasy point here. What made Cain’s first half of 2013 so rough is that he was giving up dongs despite his ability to keep the ball in the yard throughout his career. This year he’s yielded five homers, which is up among the league leaders, but not horrid. The sandwich debacle hurts because Cain needed to bounce back strong after a poop-fest in Colorado that followed two quality starts in losses.

The good news is he has two starts in pitcher friendly parks this week (PNC Park and Dodger Stadium). The bad news is that damn cut kept opening up last week when Cain tried to throw. What if it flies open in Pittsburgh and someone mistakes the blood for ketchup and slathers it on their Primanti Bros. sandwich?

Dumber things have happened. Like, say, messing around with a knife before you start a major league game …

… and some of these two-start pitcher rankings. Enjoy!

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C.J. Wilson doesn’t really know what’s going on unless Twitter tells him. He tweeted out Mike Napoli’s phone number. He watches Shark Week. He has a big TV. He hasn’t watched his TV since November. His TV is bigger than his car. His car is big. He watches Lost reruns, out of order. He wears Old Spice, on his head. He is a Taoist. He thinks a Taoist has something to do with wearing a towel while being interviewed. He told a guy to wash his mouth out with soap. He listens to Killswitch Engage, which Google tells me is a metalcore group. Even Google didn’t know what metalcore was. Four ladies and gentlemen, those were all C.J. Wilson quotes. Yesterday, he continued his dominance with a performance of 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.18. So, you’re saying after Curtis Jackson Wilson was mollywhopped in his first start of the year, I should’ve held him? Since his first start, he’s thrown 34 innings with a 2.12 ERA and he has more Ks than innings pitched. He’s hard to like him because of his all-around douchebaggery, but his numbers aren’t lying and right now they’re saying he’s a strong fantasy number two. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?