The fantasy gods can be a cruel mistress, and after dealing a crushing blow Thursday night in a frustrating (ie stupid) brawl-induced injury, taking Zack Greinke from us, the gods have claimed their next victim, another newly acquired player and top fantasy shortstop, Jose Reyes.Please, blog, may I have some more?
When one guy in a fight is named after a maximum security prison and the other guy is named after something Velma from Scooby Doo says when startled, who do you think is gonna win? Quentin took a pitch off his bicep. Nay. It grazed off his arm. Not just any pitch either. A 3-2 pitch. Are we to believe sweet, innocent, my fantasy ace, Zack Greinke in all his 12-year-old boyish looks would wait to throw a purpose pitch on 3-2? A 3-2 purpose pitch?! That makes sense. Maybe next time he’ll walk him, then toss a pick-off throw low so the 1st baseman has to slap the tag real hard on his leg. A 3-2 purpose pitch?! That’s fertilizer! Get off the ‘roids, Quentin, you have rage issues! So, Greinke has a fractured left collarbone. He’ll be out at least six weeks. My guess for his return is the All-Star break. Why does awful have to happen to my wonderful? Why, deity of choice?! Why?! Someone please tuck me into a sleeping bag of cashmere and rock me back and forth until I fall asleep. Please make this pain go away. Or hurt Quentin. That would help. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! Before we get into today’s post I just wanted to inform everyone that the Stream-o-Nator has returned. It’s new and improved. Stream-o-Nator, “You know that sounds like a compliment, but it’s really implying I wasn’t that great last year. I’m gruff, but those things hurt my feelings.” So, this year the Stream-o-Nator no longer has numbers 1 thru 1000 (?). It’s now on a dollar scale like you’d find in a draft. A $30 starter is obviously great. A $1 starter is probably awful. Lower your dollar threshold to where it’s appropriate for deeper leagues, i.e., a $15 starter for 12 team leagues would be solid. $10 starter for 15-team leagues would be solid. $2 starter for AL-Only leagues that only use Astro and Indian pitchers is great, etc. Also, SON comes with ownership numbers for 12-team mixed leagues. So, go say thanks to Rudy, it’s all him. Anyway II, here’s the roundup:Please, blog, may I have some more?
We have almost a week of baseball in the books and Yu Darvish‘s Marvishlous 14 K 1-hitter and Chris Davis‘ power surge have been early standouts. Don’t own either? That’s a shame. Feel like quitting? Not yet, Razzball Nation, I am here to help. You may remember me, Dan, or my alter ego Blairtch, from such fantasy Friday roundups as Mike Trout Saved My Season, But Jewel Saved My Soul and Harper: Better, Faster, Stronger, and my popular online fantasy advice guide, Quit Losing Already, You Loser! I will be recapping Friday nights in fantasy baseball, providing plenty of references to The Cure and fantasy advice so Grey can use his weekends to take care of business, i.e. drink all those daiquiris you’ve been buying him and continue travelling across America interviewing players and managers, scouting top prospects, and attending round table discussions featuring only the most prestigious faculty, alumni and council members at the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston. So do not worry, I’ll be here throughout the season to cover Friday’s full slate of games for the loyal weekend warriors. There are lots of players to cover this week so let’s get right to it.
Here’s what happened Friday night in fantasy baseball [*Opening Week Edition*]:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Drafting is complete! The season has started! Hope you’re still in the running in your league. 64 leagues made 19,200 selections at the draft table in March. 456 different players were chosen, with 214 being selected in all leagues. Another 18 were drafted in 63 of the 64 leagues. 44 were taken in just 1 league. I tried to get Jaywrong to make me a GIF showing proper drafting technique, but he wouldn’t share that particular talent, so my draft recap will once again be GIF-free.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hello, readers of this blog post. That is you. I joined eleven other fantasy baseball experts for a draft the other day. These experts came from all walks of life and all countries (mainly US and Canada) and were united on one front: the love of pretending they are more gifted in this fantasy baseball shizz than all others. It takes certain sized brass balls to anoint oneself a fantasy baseball expert. Did they attend the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston with yours truly? Some did, others did not. I believe Scott Q. Pianowski from Yahoo was home schooled by Brandon Funston. Whatever the case, we all share a knowledge of fantasy baseball to make you marvel…until it’s June and Marco Estrada has a 1.50 WHIP and has been bumped from the rotation and you want to kill one of us. That is then, young squire. No rush to judge now. Rudy broke down who was in this ‘pert draft that I’m about to have my own looksie. Here’s my team and some thoughts on this 12 team, mixed league for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2013 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2013 Dodgers Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy Mike Petriello from Mike Sciocia’s Tragic Illness.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The title of this post was nearly, “F*ck Luis Cruz.” If that guy gets in the way of my last round draft pick of Dee Gordon, I’m gonna be none too happy! Or is that “I’m gonna be some unhappy?” While Hanley Ramirez is out with a thumb injury, I want Dee Gordon to play for a month and for the Dodgers to say they won’t play Luis Cruz. I homophoned you! If anyone out there drafted Hanley already, I want to see your faces. Push them against your computer monitors or your handheld mobile devices. You are traitors to Razzball. I said specifically — or pacifically if you’re on a boat off the coast of California — not to draft Hanley. Word for word, “I’m done with Hanley until we see a return to his previous glory.” I didn’t even bury the lede. That’s the first freakin’ sentence of my Hanley blurb on the top 20 shortstops for 2013 fantasy baseball. I hope Hanley’s out for 3 months, returns to hit 7 homers with 12 steals and someone drafts him in the 3rd round of 2014, too. Know why? Because no matter how many times I tell people to ignore position scarcity, they don’t listen. You need to jam a cotton swab in your noggin like Lena Dunham and clean out your wax. (BTW, season two of Girls — meandering, pointless, adjective. Biggest drop in quality from season one to season two for a TV show since Heroes.) The Dodgers are saying Hanley could be out anywhere from two weeks to ten weeks. If you drafted him, you don’t read this so I’m talking to all the people who didn’t draft him. Send an email to the Hanley drafters. Subject: Trade Offer. Body of email: Any interest in trading for Yunel Escobar? I’ll take Paul Goldschmidt. Click send. Now unfriend them on Facebook. Done. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in Spring Training for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Now Aroldis Chapman says he wants to be the closer. Hahahahahahaha… Wait, why are you putting me in this room with padded walls? No, the Reds haven’t driven me crazy. I’m wearing a potato sack because the fabric breathes. Dusty’s the crazy one, not me. What is that powdery substance you’re stirring into my Jamba Juice? I saw you… I feel drowsy… Jack, I just want to see what’s in the hatch… ….Whoa, just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that not only did Dusty say he wanted Aroldis as the closer, but that Aroldis was saying it too. All of that came after they signed Broxton to close games, with Sean Marshall and Jose Arredondo setting him up. Wait, why am I still wearing a potato sack? It’s true?! AAAHHH! I blame Dusty and the toothpick he hasn’t changed since late-1997. He’s got splinters in the brain. The good news (depending on how optimistic you can be) is Aroldis has about the same value and ranking as a closer as he does as a starter. His auction value wouldn’t really change either. If anything, Aroldis is probably a tad higher in rankings if he’s a closer. It’s a role that he’s not only done before, but it’s a role that had him produce a top ten overall fantasy season. The bad news is, you might own a $12 Salad and if you drafted him as an ace, you no longer have a starter, which could change the entire dynamic of your team. This would kill Broxton’s value too. This still isn’t a done deal, Aroldis and Dusty might get overruled by Reds management, who obviously want him as a starter. I ask the Reds, “Is deciding on a role dis hard?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw in Spring Training for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I’m going to stumble through some baseball-related drunken lullabies, (mostly) rants labeled as poetry, and a token haiku. If you read between the lines, you just may even find some potentially useful fantasy advice. See what I did there?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jedd Gyorko wins 2nd base job, yay says fantasy baseballers and Richard Kelly. The next thing you know, ol’ Jedd will head off to Beverly, Hills that is. On road trips to Los Angeles. Or Magic Johnson will just give him $100 million to sit next to Dee Gordon and Ryu. “You use your free tickets yet to see Jack the Giant Slayer at Magic Johnson theaters?” That’s Ryu talking to Gordon. They’re good friends. So, Gyorko is reportedly the new 2nd baseman in San Diego. I say bravo to the Friars. In one week, a new Pope and a new 2nd baseman. What did you do this week? Stretch your Sunday meal out into Thursday? Nice work! This might be the Year of the Snake, but it’s the week of the Gyorko, after mentioning him already three times. The hype’s been building in my pants for a while. Did I just say in my pants? No, I don’t think I did, but this post is a locomotive that can’t be stopped. In November, I wrote a Jedd Gyorko fantasy. There, I said I’d be surprised if he didn’t start the year in the majors. *shrugs, combs mustache, waits for balloons to fall from ceiling* I wrote that shizz in November! Okay, no ceiling balloons, fine. Blowing a frickin’ noisemaker wouldn’t hurt you. Gyorko has been a beast through the minors, and should hit in the majors + Petco = Linda Ronstadt. Wow, my math was way off there. It was supposed to equal a 2nd baseman with upside. Since I figured Gyorko would be in the majors to start the year, his projections were already in my top 400 for 2013 fantasy baseball, but I did move him up in the top 20 2nd basemen and top 20 3rd basemen posts. I almost moved Jedd up even further, but Petco and cold sores from previous bouts of rookie nookie kept him in the early 200′s overall range. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?