Reliable Closer Joins Jumbo Shrimp And Pretty Ugly On Oxymoron List
I had high apple pie in the sky hopes for David Robertson, but no one is safe. “There’s a storm a comin’! Jebediah, should I bring the cows into the barn?” “No, Gissley! It wants our closers!” “But I only have Juan Cruz! And I’s not even sure he’s the set-up man” “It doughs’cent matter!” Really, really shocked by Robertson performance yesterday (2/3 IP, 4 ER), but I guess I shouldn’t be. I’ve officially ‘learned’ Closepocalypse on my computer spellchecker. If Soriano is out there in your league, I’d grab him. The Yankees could flip-flop right back to him since he has ‘closer experience.’ You know, pulling the ol’ Robertson is just more comfortable in the 8th inning shtick. At this rate, Fernando Rodney’s going to be the only $12 Salad next month. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chris Sale – This is a message from the Emergency Broadcast Network. If you are a closer, just go for an MRI now. You’re pitching with a torn tendon. I repeat, you have a torn tendon. So, Addison Reed might now be the closer on the White Sox, as Sale goes to get an MRI today. Robin Ventura thought a good way to preserve an injured pitcher’s arm was to throw him into high-leverage situations. I say that’s crummy with crackers, but what do I know? I’m just a guy who has a hard time pronouncing the word ‘peculiar.’ If Reed is out there, I’d grab him immediately. If Reed gets the closer job, he has a chance to be a strong Donkeycorn with $12 Salad upside. To all of those who are reading Razzball for the first time, that last sentence wasn’t gibberish. It only sounded like it.
Jeff Niemann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees in the House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built. You got co-jo’s (I’m gonna start saying co-jo’s for cojones; hopefully, it works better than twelve after twenty). I mean, big giant co-jo’s if you went with Niemann in this start, and your co-jo’s were rewarded. Good co-jo’s.
Matt Joyce – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. His first halves are so obviously hot every year, I’m sorta kicking myself for not owning Joyce. (We should’ve got Beltran in at least one league, too. That one hurts worse. Eh, it’s Monday morning quarterbacking. Beltran could be doing a Torii and vice versa.)
Casey Janssen – Got the save yesterday and will for the immediate future. Doesn’t his last name look like a loveseat at Ikea? Why do you have such crazy spellings and such comfortable furniture? “If you want, I’ll sleep on the Janssen, and you can crash on the Wilhelmsen or Sogard.” Eh, maybe it’s me. Any the hoo! Janssen is now the Blue Jays closer. I doubt this will stick very long, but it wasn’t like Santos is on the DL with a chipped tooth. WAPU! (Where Available Pick Up — Note to self: Acronyms aren’t that handy when I have to spell out what they mean.)
Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 10 Ks. Hey, I heard you were a wild one… Does Flo Rida rhyme Cus D’AMato in that song? So Morrow is back to the crazy K/walk guy that I once loved? I don’t get it, but I offered Rudy a bet that Morrow will have at least a 3.75 ERA the rest of the way, and Rudy didn’t jump at the wager, offering me back 3.50. Whatever the case, he’s not staying at 2.27 ERA, where he’s currently at.
J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer. He has 2 homers in the last week and is hitting over .400. What’s your craptcher doing?
Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. I wouldn’t say he’s alive yet (still hitting .179), but he definitely hit a homer yesterday (maybe while sleepwalking). It seems pretty implausible that he has an average under .250 this year, so it’ll take a whole lot of tryin’ (and some hits) just to get up that hill.
Jeanmar Gomez – 7 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks. Hopefully not too many of you went for this Cleveland Streamer.
Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 2 H, 11 Ks. He’s turned into the ultimate homeschooler since he’s become a Brewer. Last year, his Home/Away ERA was 3.13/4.70. This year, it’s 1.80/7.20. Maybe someone can start packing Greinke’s blankie with him on road trips.
John Axford – 1 IP, 2 ER. Kazaam!
Ryan Braun – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer to raise his average to .313. Let’s do a first tier of the top ten check (which is kinda like a cup check but less stressful): 1. Braun — Fine. 2. Miggy — Fine. 3. Pujols — Maybe it’s not less stressful. 4. Votto — Maybe you hit for power. 5. Bautista — Well, Braun and Miggy are good.
Aroldis Chapman – Moved his record to 3-0 and his ratios to 0.00 ERA and 0.57 WHIP with 27 Ks in 15 2/3 IP. Is there any other rotation Aroldis wouldn’t be a part of in the history of baseball? The 1971 O’s? The 1920 White Sox? The 1889 Spiders?
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.12. He’s in such a zone, right now every batter he sees he pictures Jason LaRue.
Drew Stubbs – 2-for-4, as he stole 3rd base with two outs in a 0-0 game. Later, Brandon Phillips stole 2nd with two outs in the 9th inning with Bruce at bat and the pitcher’s slot up next, which meant the other team would walk Bruce to get to the Reds’ best pinch hitter, Miguel Cairo. Dusty Baker may be a lot of things, but he’s definitely a SAGNOF loyalist. Who steals with Bruce up in the 9th inning with two outs knowing they’ll walk him? So bonkers. Why isn’t Buzz Bissinger following around Dusty Baker for one season to record his moves? “Today, Dusty Baker had the infield play on the grass for five innings accidentally when he moved his toothpick to the left side of his mouth.”
Sean Marshall – Why do I feel like we should start calling the site Razzball: All Saves, All the Time. Marshall tried to blow yesterday’s game, but instead gave up a solo homer to Braun and Dusty pulled him, so Logan Ondrusek picked up the save. Marshall’s been pretty bad (almost 5 ERA, 1.55 WHIP), so I wouldn’t be surprised if Dusty does go to Chapman or Logan. You can’t speculate on Chapman in any competitive leagues, because he’s owned, but there’s always Ondrusek — it’s the age of Ikea furniture!
Jonathan Sanchez – To the Disgraceful List. We may never see him again in the under four epoch. Or ERA, if you don’t have a grade schooler’s tendency to overuse a thesaurus.
Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. When the FIP meets the pavement, Johnson takes off. I’m not totally convinced he’s fully around the corner, but he’s obviously no longer doing donuts in Garbageville.
Steve Cishek – Do you even have to ask what the new closer for the Marlins did? Do you really need to ask? Of course you don’t, but I’ll tell ya. He blew the save. It wasn’t totally his fault, but Mujica still may steal more glances from Ozzie’s Neck Towel.
Christian Friedrich – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. As previously mentioned the other day aforementionedly, I like Friedrich in NL-Only leagues. His K/BB rate was very solid in the minors and now that he’s done what he did vs. the Padres, he’ll get the Giants next. Yes, please and thank you.
Josh Willingham – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer. Back from his cold sores, he’s got a hot bat. Googler of “cold sores” + “hot bat,” we won’t judge you here.
Danny Valencia – Twins optioned him to Triple-A. Twins are hoping to get Valencia going against lesser competition and split squad games are so Spring Training.
Francisco Liriano – Demoted to the bullpen because the Twins didn’t want their Triple-A team to get any worse.
Erik Bedard – Left the 2nd inning with back spasms. Doesn’t sound too bad, so he’ll probably miss a month.
Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. Giancarlo’s plus one for the 2nd Rounders Who Were Disappointing Party finally showed up. Someone should ring up Hanley and Reyes so these flat breads don’t go to waste.
Joel Hanrahan – Got the save yesterday, but Hanrahanananananananan’s nananananananananana passed away and he will be out on bereavement this Friday. Grilli or Juan Cruz could see saves this weekend. In one league, I threw another closer on the Grilli.
Allen Craig – Hit his 3rd homer. All he’s done is hit since his return from the DL. Speaking of DL stints, Berkman’s due back Friday. Playing time is a concern for Craig, but I’m thinking the Cards have to play him. Your deity of choice knows their blahtoon at 2nd base isn’t working, so Craig could move there.
J.J. Putz – 2/3 IP, 4 ER to raise his ERA to 9.00. It was a non-save situation, but I’m beginning to think by July there’s gonna be teams dialing up Alfonseca to close games. Maybe they can get a six-finger discount.
Adam Dunn – Hit his 10th homer yesterday. I was obviously wrong that Dunn was done. Bunyan’s still got some lumber. Big Donkey’s still deserves the brays. Adam’s the apple of every fantasy baseballer (<–my mom’s term!) who wants 30+ homers and a lousy average. It was mocked when Ventura put Dunn in the three hole, but I’m not sure it was a stroke of genius or every move Ventura’s done so far is dopey, but if you throw enough shizz against the wall, something will stick. And something will stink.
Tim Lincecum – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks. On the bright side, there was only two walks and 8 Ks. On the less bright side, it was two walks in only five innings and he gave up 8 hits and 4 runs.
Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.89. It’s silly early to be saying this, but it wouldn’t shock me to see him in the Cy Young running, if he stays healthy. Then next year, I’ll like him a lot and he’ll get hurt in April.
Drew Storen – Might throw this week putting him on schedule to return in early June. I hope he has a setback because I have HanK-Rod in a few leagues, but that’s just me.
Chris Johnson – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer. Or 4 homers in the last week. Maybe I should’ve dropped Zimmerman when he returned from the DL. Things that make you go hmm…
Yoenis Cespedes – Has a strained muscle in his left hand. The A’s are saying he can avoid the DL and could be in the lineup as early as today. Michael Moore offered to take Yoenis back to Cuba for tests, but he declined.
Will Middlebrooks – Bobby Valentine said Middlebrooks won’t play the outfield, but will send him back to the minors when Youuuuuuuuuk returns. Unless they can make Youuuuuuuuuk into gluuuuuuuuue.
Jason Vargas – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Marginer!
Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K. I’d put him in the same class as Big Z, Capuano, Dempster (a tad better) and Ted Lilly, i.e., more valuable on your team than what you can get for them in a trade.
Rafael Dolis – A 1-2-3 inning to get the save. It was a pleasant alternative to Marmol save opps. Those usually sound like “SuperCarlosfrigginMarmolpissshitjustbringinRafaelDolis…”
