The season is here baby!  Well, that’s kinda old news at this point, but I’m pumped for the first Pitcher Profile of 2015!

Every Monday this season, we’ll be breaking down fringy mixed-league starters (usually) to get a better gauge on their value and if they’re worthy of a valuable roster spot.  And I certainly like suggestions!  Add into the comments a pitcher that’s projected to start next weekend and I very well might end up Profiling them.  Wait, not like that!

Now to our debut this year, and I’ve just never really known what to make of Carlos Martinez.  Power stuff, destroys righties, but left-handed batters have crushed him.  I had Martinez 74 in my original ranks amongst SP,  but dropped him out in my re-ranks as he was heading to the bullpen.  Then Jaime Garcia blew out his 5th or 6th shoulder – I’ve lost count – so it’s back into the starting five, Carlos!  Made him as excited as I was when I stumbled upon his Twitter a few years ago…

So I decided to tune into his 2015 debut as a starter (he threw an inning of relief on opening night last Sunday), and break down how he looked against the Reds pitch-by-pitch:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Does your lady like the finer things in life? When she says ‘lets go out to dinner’ does she mean ‘lets pull out a second mortgage on the house for a really tiny steak and snooty service?’. Well, first things first, dump her. I’m no Love Guru, but I do know when one of my good people is getting played. We’re all about bros before L.J. Hoes around here so don’t say we didn’t warn you! But since you’re not gonna listen (and I mean, I get it, you’re a fantasy baseball nerd and you probably scored a 10 with that kind of taste) at the very least I need to teach you how to bargain hunt for those goods. Did you know cashmere wool is actually hair and that it comes from goats? Well speaking of GOAT, let’s roll with this awkward segue and talk Scott Kazmir. In his first start of the year against Texas, the Kazmanian Devil scattered two walks and a hit over seven innings while striking out 10. Now we all knew the Rangers were gonna be a weaker team coming into the season but that’s just someone pitching like a top shelf starter and Scott should have another shot at such glory facing the Astros. Though the season is still early, Houston seems to have picked up right where they left off in 2014 in terms of striking out since as a team, their K% is second-worst in the MLB at 26.8%. Last year they finished second to last in K% at 23.8 so we’re not seeing a statistical outlier here as a majority of their roster from last year is back in 2015 with their major additions (Valbuena, Rasmus, and Gattis) being known to swing and miss a bit. Given that, who knows. Maybe Kazmir can help you afford the real cashmere and you can get in on those caviar dreams. Better sign a pre-nup, though! Here’s some other hot takes for the April 13th DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

This draft was so slow that I lost half my starting rotation before the draft ended. This draft was so slow that when it started Minnie Minoso was still alive. This draft was so slow when it started Tupac was still dead. I didn’t enjoy my time last year in the 15-team NFBC slow draft. I drafted Mark Trumbo, Prince Fielder, Cliff Lee, Anibal Sanchez and Patrick Corbin and my only chance was a big year from Nadir Bupkis, who gave me just that. See, there’s no waivers and the league is 50 rounds deep, so if you’re hit by injuries, you’re done. So, I was talked into doing the league one more time, but knew I had to draft starters early and often, and, of course, prior to the draft even completing I lost Zack Wheeler and Tony Cingrani. Many will disagree with me, but I’m under the firm belief that it’s a lot harder and more fun to win a league like a Razzball Commenter League, than it is to win a super-deep league. With super-deep leagues, if you’re hit by injuries, you’re done. That’s neither fun nor challenging. That’s just shizzy luck. You can say I should’ve known Wheeler and Cingrani weren’t safe, and I’d say to you that neither are any of the pitchers that are healthy all year. They just happened to stay healthy. It’s not like the guy that drafted Alex Cobb is any smarter than the guy who drafted (insert pitcher that is healthy right now that may not be healthy by the time you read this). How’s dem grapes? Sour! Anyway, here’s my 15-team, 5×5, roto, NFBC slow draft team and thoughts:

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I’ve already gone over the top 20 catchers for 2015 fantasy baseball, the top 20 1st basemen for 2015 fantasy baseball and the top 20 2nd basemen for 2015 fantasy baseball. Last year, I thought the top 20 shortstops for 2015 fantasy baseball looked a whole lot better than the 2nd basemen. I said that’s not usually the norm, but you gotta be malleable in this fantasy baseball game. Then going on to say I’d give a free car to a brother and sister who were named Norm and Malleable. No one won the car and I was pretty off with where I thought shortstops had depth. They showed up last preseason in a librarian’s outfit with red-rimmed glasses and seemed interesting. Then they turned around and it was Sally Jessy Raphael and we should’ve ran the other way. As with the other top 20 rankings, I point out where tiers start and stop and my projections. All the 2015 fantasy baseball rankings can be found under that thing that says 2015 fantasy baseball rankings. Unsuccinct! Anyway, here’s the top 20 shortstops for 2015 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Ryan Braun revealed he doesn’t have a thumb issue, he has a whole hand issue. Unfortch, he’s also proving to have a ‘can’t stay on the field without steroids’ issue, which is the result of a ‘steroids has broken down his ability to stay healthy’ issue that’s brought up a ‘is he really trying to get on the field’ issue that all came about when he was ‘wearing scrubs, watching his wife spit out a kid and his wife was squeezing his hand too tightly’ issue that leaves the issue, ‘will he return and do anything this season?’ Basically, Braun’s got more men’s health issues than Ricky Martin. Whether or not you drop him or just bench him comes down to who you have to replace him, but, in September, he’s hitting .200 with zero homers, and he hit .240 in August with four homers, so chances are good you can find someone better than him for the final two and a half weeks. This will definitely muddy waters on if Braun is a mannish boy or what to expect from him in 2015 fantasy baseball. Unless Lame-Ass-Busta Excuses is a category in your league, then Braun has it on lock. (Also, applies if the category is spelled Lame-Ass-Buster Excuses or simply Lame Excuses.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I thought Jay Bruce was a lock for 30/100 not dirty undies. Thirty-hundo not dirty-undies! All year Bruce Stinksteen has been behind “Born to Run” Billy Hamilton, Todd Frazier, who’s classically rocking out and Learning to Fly, and Devin “Is That Your Face Or Are You Wearing Wax Lips?” Mesoraco, who had a breakout season. And, here, Jay Bruce is less appetizing than sitting across from Bruce Jenner when it’s humid. Hard to know where the bottom is. Problem people find when speculating on stocks. Same problem with fantasy baseball. Yesterday, Bruce went 0-for-5 with five strikeouts while his team scored seven runs. He’s now hitting .218. But is that the bottom and he’ll turn things around in the final month? Or will he hit .150 in the final month and make you wish you owned some hot schmotato? The hell you say if I know. Depends a bit on your league, and I’ve been telling people to hold Bruce and wait for the turnaround, but if Steve Pearce or Adam Eaton or some other hot schmotato is on your waivers, I can understand moving on. Let Bruce loose, turnabout is fair play. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

A Gas Face can either be a smile or a smirk
When appears, a monkey wrench to work one’s clockworkZev Love X (later known as MF Doom)

Sorry but you’re going to be seeing a whole lot more of me going forward boys and four girls. Today I’m not only dropping my weekly DFS science on you suckas, but I’m also covering for the one and only Pete Nice on the Ones and Twos. Oops I mean the Two Start Pitchers article. Think of me as MC Serch but handsome and less of a dick. I can just sense the collective gas face that just came across Razzball nation. Don’t worry everybody, it gets worse! Yours truly will also be stepping in for J-FOH on the handcuff report this season over on the Football side. As well as anything else Jay let’s me publish. Pop Goes The Weasel Indeed. BTW if you haven’t signed up for any RCL’s yet, what are you waiting for? These leagues are filling up faster than Kim Kardashians bikini bottoms. So get in there, and click here. Oh I almost forgot yeah Daily Fantasy Baseball on DraftKings that’s why we’re here right? Right! Well then let’s proceed to give you what you need. The Legendary Lifshitz is back to guide you to fortune and fame.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 Teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

This is not to be confused with Krispie Young. I’m squarely in on a Buy for Kris Bryant. I need a Bryant! Great, now I’ve alluded to Anita Bryant and Buys in two sentences and I will be flagged by the Association of the Free and Unified Commitment Keepers. Though it would be fun to get a strongly-worded letter from them on their letterhead. Bigots can be unintentionally funny, but only if they were THAT funny. “Hello, this is Anita Bryant from the Ass. F.U.C– Hey, Paul, are we sure we want to go with the acronym here?” Kris Bryant has torn the roof off minor league pitching, then built a roof ten feet above that first roof, tore that 2nd roof off too, and then jumped in a hot air balloon, soared up 3,000 feet and built another roof. Between Double and Triple-A, he has 36 homers, 15 steals and is hitting .341. Seriously. He’d be a prospect to keep an eye on if he were a third baseman playing behind Josh Donaldson. In other words, if he had to surpass a great 3rd baseman for playing time, he’d still be someone to watch. Right now, he’s behind Luis Malbuena. *extended burp* The Cubs have already brought up Arismendy and Baez. They are not sitting on prospects anymore and the next one to get the call is Bryant. He could be a top 50 player for all of fantasy as early as next year, but for now he’s a flyer in redraft leagues that I’d absolutely take right now. Grab him, he could be up within two weeks and carry your teams in the final six weeks. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! Before we get into the Buy/Sell, I just wanted to remind people to go join a Razzball fantasy football league. As if pride wasn’t enough reason, you can win a custom bobblehead! You know you always wanted a little bobbly bust of yourself. Anyway II, here’s the BUY/SELL:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

When I was growing up, we had a hutch. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember what piece of furniture it was that my grandparents used to call a hutch. So, like a child of the naughts, I Googled it. On Wikipedia, it says a hutch is where one prepares an evening tipple. Let me just say, I don’t remember anyone in Jersey ever preparing an evening tipple. An evening Sloppy Joe? Sure. An evening ‘bang on the side of the TV so the picture would come in?’ Yup. An evening ‘curse at the neighbors?’ Definitely! An evening tipple? Not in my Jersey. But, for the sake of argument, let’s all pour ourselves an evening tipple for Drew Hutchison. Last night, he went 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk and 8 Ks. See, nothing to it. The only mistake yesterday was a long ball surrendered to Chris Davis (now has back-to-back games with ding-shots). As I said when Hutchison was called up, he could be as great as any pitcher to come up this year. Sadly, it may not be this year that he is great. It’s the pickle that is young pitchers. I would own him, shoot, I’d even have a tipple with him, but I wouldn’t fully trust him until he has a longer track record. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If any good can come from Joey Votto going to the DL with a strained quad, at least he didn’t try to play this weekend and have a set back. Well, there’s other good that can come of it. We can be thankful for our own health. Actually, that’s BS, I’d give my quad to have a healthy Votto. I don’t need my quad to type up my fantasy baseball ‘pertness. I got acumen for days! You know what a smart Indian chef uses? Acumen. Take it, Highlights magazine, it’s yours! Fortch, Votto sounds like he should be back in the minimum fifteen days. Here’s hoping, I got hard-hit singles I need hit! In tangentially related news, Reds manager, Bryan Price, said Jay Bruce would return “very, very soon,” then he was activated from the DL. I’d go as far as saying that was very, very, very soon. Bryan Price added “Very, very soon,” I will buy a thesaurus. That’s a very, very good idea! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?