First off, no, I haven’t watched the movies. I’m old, that movie is for the young and I’m not as in love with Anna Kendrick as you. I mean, I don’t hate her? I’d hang with her? She seems fun at parties? Whatever, my point being is that her and her movies are a flavor of entertainment that’s either above me or below me, I’m not sure which and I’m not sure I care. Alright, now that the important stuff has been covered, this pitching slate…whew. It’s about as good looking as Melisandre when the necklace came off. I’ve never even seen that show, but the memes are free! Don’t send your hate on that one unless you’re willing to hook me up with HBO Go so I can catch up. Back to the point: pitching in the late slate is teh sucks tonight. I’ll try and throw some early pitching takes so you can wipe the dirty taste out of your mouth, but it’s a minefield after 4 pm PST so be warned. With that, let’s trudge through the sludge together. Here’s my cover your hair and your eyes taeks for this Wednesday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday May 30th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Cameron Maybin was 3-for-4 Friday night with his fourth stolen base in four games. Did someone say SAGNOF? Since his return from the disabled list last Monday, Killa Cam has hit safely in all four games he’s played, going 8-for-13 (.615 AVG), with 3 runs, an RBI, and oh, did I mention he’s stolen four bases?! Because that’s why I’m writing this lede about Cameron Maybin and not some obviously more valuable and less disappointment-prone player. I googled my headline thinking it was a song title by the Cure or something but all that came up was a sub reddit about depression. What’s worse is I had visited this page before. Hmm, probably because I’ve owned Maybin so many times in the past. Cameron has burned me more over the years than the cast of That 70’s Show, but four steals in four games should not be ignored. Grey told you to BUY and he said “That’s so, Maybin!” Wow, that’s so Grey to say that. Temper your expectation, but pick up Maybin if you got the Need for Speed but refuse to support EA games or Aaron Paul’s acting career. So yeah, Maybin this time will be different? This could be my crippling depression talking, but he’s available in about 80% of leagues and I’d take a flier wherever I needed steals.

Here’s what else I saw Friday night in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hold the Internet presses (which is just posting a silly video; that makes the internet stop)!  Jonathan Villar isn’t owned in more than 50% of leagues?  That feels like a personal slight against my manhood.  And my manhood is already slight!  Hey, Previous Sentence Grey, not cool!  My bad, Next Sentence Grey, but you set yourself up!  This is like a Yo Momma episode on MTV where everyone called in sick so they had one schizophrenic guy play both sides.  Yo, Momma is so fat her blood type is gravy!  *same guy runs to other side*  Oh!  Oh!  Okay, well, your Momma is so dumb she drafted A.J. Pollock!  Snap!  *runs to the other side, but pulls hammy*  Yo Momma, shoot, can we pause?  My hammy’s torn. *collapses onto ground*  Don’t think MTV didn’t consider the one man Yo Momma show.  Insider talk, they are one of the cheapest channels.  It’s no surprise all of their shows star unknowns.  Okay, this is neither funny nor that illuminating.  I love Villar because SAGNOF.  I hear ya, prematurely balding man, what happens when Arcia is called up?  Well, we don’t know when Orlando Arcia will be called up and Villar can play 3rd (since everyone is over Hill, especially Aaron) or Villar can play 2nd, and Scooter’s a platoon guy that can’t always get it out of first.  Villar has 40-steal speed and should not be on waivers anywhere.  *pulled hammy Yo Momma guy pokes his head up*  Yo Momma is so ugly…Yeah, I can’t continue, my hammy is killing me.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

There is one legitimate ace going tonight and his name is Chris Sale. Sale is sharpening up his machete, Jason style, to make mincemeat of the Yankees. You don’t need me to tell you how silly good Chris Sale is though (0.775 WHIP!). He is your de facto #1 cash game option for tonight’s games. Beyond that however, things are pretty ugly. Are you going to trust Samardzija in Coors south? Perhaps Matt Harvey in Coors regular? Maybe Justin Verlander in Baltimore? Ha, of course not! Just making sure you’re paying attention. Since Sale will no doubt be heavily owned in GPPs tonight, it might be wise to throw some darts on two cheaper pitchers and load up on hitting. Choosing those two pitchers tonight is a lot like deciding which of the cabins on Crystal Lake to hide out in while a murdering psychopath is on the loose. Choose wisely or your bankroll will end up decapitated. Along those same lines, Coors will be very popular tonight as well. We know the most popular pitcher and the most popular game tonight’s hitters will come from. If you’re looking to take down a giant tournament, such as the $3 Moonshot, use that information wisely and get out of Camp Crystal Lake alivepssst, hey you. Yeah you, is that main Friday writer Matt guy gone? You sure? I have an unreasonable fear of hippos ever since an unfortunate accident involving a pair of loose shorts and a childhood favorite board game we all know and love…I’d rather not talk about it. What I WOULD rather talk about is our new 25 man Razzball Exclusive League that’s set to run on this coming Monday, May 16th. We were doing that 10 man thing for too long and as my wife has always said, size matters. Um, I was talking about bank accounts? Hello? This will be a new thing for us and if we fill quickly, we might be able to wrangle this thing into 50, or 75 or even a 100 man league. As I always tell my wife, if you show it some love and give it some time, it will grow…geez, again, we are talking about a bank account. What’s with you? So jump in there and reserve your spot for a chance at Razz glory. Now on with the show…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve a spot in our 25 man Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday, May 16th. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Chris Young went 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER as he allowed five solo home runs, which tied a franchise record, and was only the 7th starting pitcher to give up five home runs in less than three innings.  He was then followed by Dillion Gee.  Too bad Gee wasn’t followed by Aaron Laffey, then the box score would’ve read Chris Young, Gee, Laffey, which, as everyone knows, is an Asian giraffe, which is where these pitchers should be pitching:  Asia.  I didn’t know the Mets had an exchange program going with the Royals.  Oh, and the Mets’ AARP affiliate was on the Yanks too with Carlos Beltran (2-for-4) hitting two homers.  Member the days when the Mets got the Yanks’ also-rans — Willie Randolph, Orlando Hernandez, Rick Cerone?  Now the Yanks are taking sloppy seconds.  The Yankees are Ben Affleck and the Mets are Joey Lauren Adams and the Yanks are listening to the Mets in the bar in Chasing Amy.  Watch out for the gear shift, Yankees!  Also, in this game, Brian McCann (1-for-4) mick-can-can with his 4th homer, Brett Gardner (1-for-4) said, “Same,” and hit his 4th and Aaron Hicks (1-for-3, 2 RBIs) blasted his 2nd.  With Ellsbury out for a few, I grabbed Hicks in one league, and this is now his 2nd homer in the past four games.  As for Christall Young, he’ll likely be replaced in the rotation by Gee.  Though, I vote for Gee with Laffey on his shoulders for the Asian giraffe.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Daniel Murphy is the hottest homophobe since Kirk Cameron got three offers in one week for three different Christian movies, “A Behind…Left Behind,” “Groundhog’s Day Is For Satanists, God Makes The Seasons,” and “Make Me Dinner Woman, And No Leftovers.”  Daniel Murphy’s hotter than Kim Davis looks to lesbians looking for a challenge.  Daniel Murphy is hotter than Ted Nugent’s nougat, which he has to heat to 214 degrees to get the sugar to melt.  Yesterday, Murphy went 4-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer while hitting .398 on the year.  I’m not saying we need to throw Ted Williams’s head in the microwave to defrost, but we may want to leave it on the counter to slowly bring it to room temperature.  Okay, Murphy’s BABIP is absurdly high (.427), which means he’s hitting about a hundred points too high, so his average will come down.  He’s also not hitting for a ton of power, so it’s a good story right now for the MLB that their hottest hitter is a bigot — The Ghost of Ty Cobb, “That sounds rad.” — but it’ll end eventually.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Devin Mesoraco was diagnosed with a torn labrum in his shoulder after missing most of last year with a torn labrum in his hip.  My Latin may be off, but I believe tearing two labrums means severe vagina pain.  The last thing he’ll want to do is be squatting.  Devin Mesoraco now has more torn labrums than Nadia Comaneci.  This torn labrum finally gives Mesoraco an alibi to his ugly.  If he were going to get a torn labrum of somewhere, I would’ve thought it was his most prominent feature, his sunken eyes.  Uncle Fester called, he wants his face back!  Tucker Barnhart (1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .298) will take over the catcher duties for Mesoraco.  Barnhart has 3-homer power, so he’s not recommended outside of leagues that are Cousteau deep.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

There’s embarrassment and then there’s having to cover in detail a fantasy baseball league you’re nearly dead last in. So begins our first monthly update on the in house dynasty league “The RazzNasty”. For those of you that are new here, “The RazzNasty” is a Razzball founded dynasty league made up of Razzball writers, readers, commenters, and Methodists! It’s a 16 team roto with semi-weekly adds/drops via blind auction. We have 30 man MLB rosters and 10 man minor league rosters. Since we last updated you in early March there’s been a flurry of activity including trades, wire adds, a second commissioner switch, and a banana or two in the tailpipe. So yes it’s more or less high stakes Mario Kart.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yeah, Justin Upton will hit six homers all year and .170.  Yup, Jason Hammel will have an ERA under one.  You betcha, Gregory Polanco will bat after the pitcher by September.  Okay, on that last one, I don’t want to jinx anything, so let’s just say I’m being sarcastic and I don’t need no Polanco batting low in the order.  Double negatives be damned!  Finally, Jose Abreu is a Cuban sandwich short of pickles, which makes him a ham sandwich, which is a trailer park doorstop.  He’s nothing.  Done.  It was a good ride we had with Abreu, but the last three weeks trumps all the seasons that came before it.  And the new president of that sentence is trumps.  Abreu, sir, if I may sit you down for a second.  Please retire, your career is over.  You had a good ride.  Let baseball go.  Look at Bobby Abreu, for example.  He had grandkids and started wearing a dress and now goes by Bubbie Abreu.  Take his lead.  Your time is gone.  Sure, you have an insanely low BABIP.  You’re actually walking more this year than last.  Your homers per fly balls is absurdly low.  Your ground balls are actually lower this year, like subterranean.  You’re striking out about the same amount.  Alas, it’s over!  Hang up your cleats!  Not on that hook, that’s for my Par Djoos jersey for when I want to start a Sega video game fight.  Or I guess you could just turn around your season; I mean, there are five months left.  Yes, you should buy low on Abreu (and Upton).  The season is barely nascent.  Fun fact!  N/A-scent is when you think someone farted, but they actually have a dead raccoon in their jacket.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“‘I need a bouncy C.  Not a bouncy castle!’  Billy Beane screams into his headset, when an intern interrupts him and his daughter, practicing her guitar, while they are both on a treadmill.  The intern tells Beane that Jesse Hahn has a blister.  The intern turns and it’s Jonah Hill.  Fat Jonah, not “He doesn’t look right skinny” Jonah.   Beane then looks at the camera to establish empathy and says, “Get me Sean Manaea.”  Only he adds three extra syllables to Manaea’s naeame.   And…scene!”  The producer smiles, “That’s a great pitch.  If only Manaea looks that good.  High-five!”  So, Manaea has been called up to start on Friday.  He’s looked downright fantastic thus far.  Upleft fantastic too.  He’s a six-five Samoan, but he doesn’t weight 475 pounds.  He could be the Rookie of the Year; his stuff is that TNT with SVU reruns.  I also think there’s more downside here than, say, Berrios.  He’s had moments where his command leaves him, and he becomes a 5+ IP, 4 ER guy.  His delivery looks to me like he could get wild very easily.  Wide range of possibility here, could be a #1 or could be a #4-5 that you only own in AL-Only leagues.  Of course, I’m taking the flyer in all leagues for the chance he comes up and wows upsides our fantasy heads.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?