Jesus Montero was sent down and the Mariners called up Jesus Sucre. Jesus for Jesus was the original name of Jews for Jesus when it only had one member. The only thing that I pray is that my Brayan Pena don’t fail me now…Jesus sucks! And I don’t think there is nothing Montero can do now to right my wrongs…Jesus Sucks! I want to talk to Yan Gomes, but I’m afraid because we ain’t spoke in so long…Jesus Sucks! To the SAGNOF hustlers, worm burners, lefty murderers, HGH drug dealers especially A-Rod’s cousin… Jesus Sucks for them! To victims of Ron Popeil ‘Set it and Forget It’ catcher management style for we living in hell here hell yeah, Jesus Sucks for them! I.e., good riddance, Montero. With Easter passed, I have no idea when Jesus will be back, but I’d drop him in all leagues. Shoppach will take over full-time now, but this should put Mike Zunino firmly on your radars. On the most recent prospect power rankings, Zunino was honorably mentioned. Last time Scott, our prospect writer, really hooked his chompers into Zunino, he said this, “Zunino will likely surface in Seattle at some point in 2013, but his fantasy value, once up, is tough to gauge. His tools profile suggests he’ll eventually develop into a very nice big league catcher, and one you’ll want in fantasy leagues. But most people around baseball don’t see the Travis D’Arnaud/Jesus Montero/Devin Mesoraco-type ceiling with Zunino. Then again, he’s surpassed expectations at every stop thus far, and it’s within reason to think he could continue to do so at the highest level. A real overachiever, like our very own Grey.” Hey, thanks! A word about that quote. (Actually a few words.) Jesus Montero is mentioned in there, and that’s not a goof by Scott, this just shows you what catcher prospects look like when they come up. Catchers tend to take a while to develop because they’re learning defense as much as offense. They can’t just hit, they need to play defense. Well, except for Mike Piazza. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Max Scherzer has heterochromia, which is a condition where one eye is a different color than the other. Here’s a picture of him. Christopher Walken, Kiefer Sutherland, Mila Kunis, Kate Bosworth, to name a few, also have this condition. Doesn’t this seem like something that at some point will be the “it thing?” I could totally see teenagers in the future riding their hoverboards and wearing only one colored contact. Then further down the line the government will require everyone to have different colored eyes and teenagers with the same colored eyes will rise up to overthrow the government, only to be thwarted because some counter-terrorism organization supplied the teens with marijuana and a new “awesome” video game. Actually, I’m kinda surprised this hasn’t happened yet. With my deep, dark, mysterious, cock-eyed peepers, I looked into Scherzer and decided he’s been the 3rd best pitcher in baseball so far, if you throw out his ERA (the 2nd best is Anibal and 4th best is Burnett). Sure, when one looks cock-eyed at things, they cherry-pick stats and throw out common sense. Still, Scherzer has been fantastic. His K-rate of 11.26 is fifth in the league. His walk rate is 24th. Besides Peavy, Scherzer is the only one in the top 24 with a 9+ K-rate and a walk rate that low. Basic math: if you strikeout people and don’t walk them, great things will happen. Scherzer has been better than F-Her, only F-Her has an ERA of 1.53 and Scherzer’s is at 3.98. Fantasy baseballers (<–Grand Dame Albright’s term!) tend to overrate recent past results and ratios they can understand like ERA. If someone in your league thinks Scherzer is nothing but a #2 or 3 with good Ks, they’re wrong as no rain. I’d pursue Scherzer quickly before his ERA turns around like a dramatic prairie dog. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Much respect to the mothers. Without my emergence from my mother’s vagina, I wouldn’t be able to bestow on you my fantasy baseball ‘pertness. We are one people and everyone has popped out of a mother’s vagina at one point, unless you’re an alien — I’m looking at you, Andrelton! — and with our emergence from our mother’s vagina — or that Cesarean stuff that I don’t fully understand — I say we should all live together, loving each other, and never speaking of Ike Davis again, cause he sucks. With all that mother loving out of the way, yesterday was about the worst offensive day I’ve seen during a full schedule day for rosterable fantasy hitters. I mean, there were a ton of Brayan Pena’s and Donald Lutz’s doing work, but not a whole lot from guys actually owned. Though, it would be awesome if someone got caught corking their pink bat. Corking a pink bat is like A-Rod growing a mustache. Then the nadir of that offensive dearth (pinnacle of pitching success?) was Chris Sale. He tossed a shutout, one-hitter with 7 Ks vs. the Anathema Angels. Still don’t trust him to stay healthy all season, but it looks pretty likely that he’s going to be pitching well until his arm falls off. Then, if his arm doesn’t fall off perchance, he’s going to be a number one pitcher. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yes, Matt Harvey was terrific, but I’d like to talk on a real baseball note for a second. If you’re a White Sox fan, you should be mad. No one on your team looks like they care. It’s like you have nine Alex Rioses (Rioii? Riii?). I don’t care how pumped Hawk Harrelson gets. You can put it on the board…This team is bored! Your ambition…It gone! The White Sox have more lackadaisical swingers than a Hedonism resort that only has decaf. “Okay, everyone grab the guy next to you, we’re gonna have a tug of war. C’mon, you guys have to stand for this.” That’s the emcee at decaf Hedonism. As for Harvey, he threw a gem even if he was facing the White Sux — 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, Zero Walks, 12 Ks. I still think you should sell him. It’s not a frantic sell like the roof is on fire and you’re having Sotheby’s over at your place tomorrow to walk through and see your Gregg Jefferies rookie card collection. I wouldn’t take anything less than a number one of something for Harvey, but I’d field offers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Senior year of high school, I cheated on my final exam in religion class. Never got caught. Three others involved in the cheating scandal were each brought to justice — they failed the test, failed the class, and had to retake the course the following semester. Did I feel guilty about my actions? F*#k no I didn’t. I aced the test, and got a B+ in the class. It was the best grade I ever earned in religion. My parents were thrilled! Ever since then I’ve held a sort of admiration for those who cheat and get away with it, and even for some who didn’t get away with it. I respect he who is ballsy enough to cruise down life’s low road, while the rest of the chumps fight traffic on the high road. I’m halfway kidding, of course, but there are moments when the opportunity to cheat presents itself, and you’d be crazy to pass it up. Take, for instance, just a couple weeks ago, when Jeff Samardzija didn’t immediately cease pitching while his throwing hand bled onto the baseball, perhaps doctoring the ball. Well done, Jeff. And as for this Clay Buchholz situation, the evidence against him isn’t quite definitive, and it seems extremely doubtful that any real fallout is to come. More power to the guy if he was indeed doctoring the ball — the umps didn’t notice, and neither did the Blue Jays. He goes twice next week, by the way.
As always, probable pitchers are subject to change. For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click that link.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Roy Halladay makes every hitter look like Babe Ruth right after he burped. (Burping was the key to his success; I watched a documentary.) Roy’s gotta hit the Disgraceful List, doesn’t he? I mean, it’s in everyone’s best interest at this point. Watching him is like seeing Carol Channing before someone told her to use a mirror to apply makeup. “How’d I get this lipstick on my ears? Maybe a dab of mascara on the ol’ chin!” You should’ve heard me saying that line like Carol Channing in my head. It’s just real sloppy out there right now for Roy. If he’s not hurt, his fantasy owners may find him in a dark alley and change that. If he is hurt, stop taking one for the team, you gamer you. “I’m a gamer. I grind like I’m old school, Jodeci, going riding roughshod over fantasy ratios…Horatio…Alger, in reverse.” That’s Roy doing beat poetry. At this point, I’d bench him against most teams until he starts piecing together something less craptastic. You might, unfortunately, have the reincarnation of 2012 Lincecum. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Did you realize that there was an epic breakthrough in the world of baseball analytics this week? Well, it happened! We did it! On Thursday, Ken “The Hawk” Harrelson joined Brian Kenny on MLB Network’s “MLB Now”, offering his thoughts on these newfangled sabermetrics. According to Hawk, WAR, and VORP, and OPS+, and all other products of science and reason fall short of his fresh new statistic — something he calls TWTW, or “The Will To Win”. Evidently, Hawk understands how to quantify this unmeasurable attribute, and he truly believes it is the most telling component of player evaluation. You can check out the video here, but most importantly, please make sure you apply Hawk’s lessons to your two-start browsing this week. Before you grab one of these guys off waivers, ask yourself: Is this a TWTW guy, or is this a non-TWTW guy? We only want the TWTW’s here. Choose wisely.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Gird your loins – we’re going to be navigating positions battles in each division. Last week, I covered the NL East. Today I’m talking about the AL Central, which actually looks fairly interesting this year. At first glance, the Tigers should run away with the division. At a slightly closer glance, the Indians, Royals, and White Sox all appear to be trying to contend. Who knows? Maybe Verlander’s arm will fall off after pitching over 1,000 innings across the past four seasons, while Miggy and Fielder enter a 24/7 all-you-can-eat buffet in Vegas and never return. Anyway, here’s some of the position battles to keep an eye on in the AL Central:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Brewers called up shortstop, Jean Segura. Woohoo! Now, on various teams, I have Domonic Brown, Mike Olt, Straily, Starling Marte, Brett Jackson, Josh Vitters and some serious Short Eyes. I’m basically the creepy guy hanging around the playground in my Astrovan, blasting “Hey Nineteen” wearing candy jewelry like I’m Mr.Please, blog, may I have some more?
When I think of a creeper, two images flow into my mind— Bachmann-eyezed! and the song ‘Creep’. This combo punch is usually enough to haunt my entire day as I hum Radiohead and cry fearful tears, afraid that I’ll be accused of being part of the Muslim Brotherhood and then be stared at profusely by those hypnotizing conservative eyes.Please, blog, may I have some more?