Fantasy Baseball Advice

Top 20 catchers, 1st basemen, 2nd basemen and 3rd basemen are in the books.  What a strange, glorious trip it’s been!  Though not really.  Today, the top 20 shortstops for 2011 fantasy baseball get to shine.  Hmm… Actually, most of these won’t shine.  They’re cloudy with a chance of crapballs.  As I said in the 2nd baseball recap post, the shortstops are almost exactly as shallow as the shortstops and 3rd basemen.  Now it’s time to be a bit more specific.  The top ten shortstops were better than the 2nd basemen and 3rd basemen.  Yes, that is scary.  Though if you were in a deeper league or if you used an MI, the fall off from the 13th to 20th ranked shortstops is not pretty, whereas the 2nd basemen held their value as you dropped down the rankings.  3rd base was as big a mess in the lower half of the rankings as shortstops.  Okay, enough of the hubbub on the tomfoolery.  To recap, this final ranking is from ESPN Player Rater with my comments.  The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked them in the preseason.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 shortstops for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Jose Reyes – I’m a huge Reyes fan and he didn’t disappoint this year.  He missed almost forty games and still was the top ranked shortstop.  If you filled him in halfway decently while he was injured, you had huge production from his spot.  He cut his K-rate by a solid margin, had a bit of luck on average but should’ve had more homers.  Six of one yadda³.  I kinda want to see him end up in Boston this offseason, but I’m also afraid his value will be inflated a’la Crawford and his injuries could resurface.  As for that whole sitting out to win the batting title thing, it doesn’t matter for fantasy.  It’s about as relevant as Miggy filling his jock strap with airplane bottles of liquor.  Turn down the treble and eliminate the noise.  On a side note, why is Jose Reyes freakin’ naked on the cover of ESPN, The Magazine?  I have girls back to my house and they don’t understand.  My moms sees this magazine and she’s questioning things.  Not that there’s anything wrong with the questions.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections:  110/12/60/.290/40, Final Numbers:  101/7/44/.337/39

2. Troy Tulowitzki – Imagine if I jumped out of DeLorean in March and told you Tulo would miss September, would you still have drafted him?  I’m guessing no.  I’m Guessing, II:  The Return of I’m Guessing; you would’ve regretted not drafting him.  I’m Guessing, III:  I Didn’t See The 2nd I’m Guessing But They’re Making Another One?; if you were in a H2H league, you probably would’ve regretted not drafting him less.  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  95/30/105/.280/15, Final Numbers:  81/30/105/.302/9

3. Starlin Castro – Was one of those players that I wasn’t excited about in January when I did the rankings, then ended up with him on multiple teams because Rudy liked him a lot.  Sometimes Rudy’s smart.  (Sometimes last March Rudy told me he didn’t want Kemp on every team.  Sometimes I shouldn’t have listened.)   Preseason Rank #12, 2011 Projections:  75/5/55/.305/12, Final Numbers:  91/10/66/.307/22

4. Asdrubal Cabrera – He was ranked low by me in the preseason, but I did put him in a group of players you should take a flyer on at the end of the draft.  I’ve had much love for Asdrubal from the moment he burst on the scene with his easy-to-giggle-at first name.  Still, his power output this year is ridonkiculous.  25 homers?  Really?  Did Hanley and him urinate into a fountain as they made a wish at the same time?  (I ranked Asdrubal 22nd overall, but I said in the preseason blurb I’m only doing that to highlight him and he’s actually above Castro, so, ya know, don’t hate the ranker, hate the game.)  Preseason Rank #11, 2011 Projections:  80/7/60/.295/20, Final Numbers:  87/25/92/.273/17

5. Elvis Andrus – Came pretty close to performing exactly as I thought he would, but, for full disclosure purposes (or porpoises if dolphins are reading), I wanted more from Andrus.  He reminds me of Brian McCann.   I expect them to break out in a huge way, then they perform well and I’m still slightly disappointed.  I’m telling you, one of these years Andrus is gonna give us a Reyes in his prime year.  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections:  95/5/50/.270/45, Final Numbers:  96/5/60/.279/37

6. Emilio Bonifacio – Went over him in the top 20 third basemen post.

7. Jimmy Rollins – Gave a much better season than I expected from him.  And it might’ve been better if it wasn’t for Utley’s injury.  While filling in the three hole (not like that!), Rollins’s line was 17/1/5/.271/5.  And you thought Utley only hurt you directly.  He’s giving you indirect reasons to dislike him.  Preseason Rank #5, 2011 Projections:  85/14/65/.260/20, Final Numbers:  87/16/63/.268/30

8. Erick Aybar – Back on January 18th (which is my birthday, mark it down!), I left Aybar off my top 20 preseason ranking and commenter, Fanthead, said, “Doesn’t Erick Aybar (who is not ranked) have the wherewithal to match (Alcides’s) numbers (70/3/40/.275/30)?”  Well, la di da!  Maybe Fanthead should do his own rankings!  And use words like wherewithal throughout!  I keed.  It was a good call by Fanthead.  Aybar did have the wherewithal.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  71/10/59/.279/30

9. Derek Jeter – Here’s what I said back in the preseason, “So I’ve been watching the first season of Friday Night Lights.  Great show.  I’d say SPOILER ALERT! but that season’s like seven years old.  Anyway, when Riggins was stealing Minka from Street, I kept imagining Street yelling, ‘So, Jeter, it’s okay to steal a cripple’s girlfriend, but you won’t fight a cripple?!’”  That has nothing to do with anything, but it made me laugh when I was reviewing what I had said.  Now Jeter’s on to the next one and Minka’s remaking a terrible show with an even worse show.  As for Jeter, what can be said about him that hasn’t been said before?  His power’s all but evaporated and he gets runs and average.  Yay or who cares?  Yay or who cares?  YAY OR WHO CARES?!  That’s what I’m asking you!  Sorry, lost my shizz there for a second.  Preseason Rank #6, 2011 Projections:  105/12/65/.280/15, Final Numbers:  84/6/61/.297/16

10. Jhonny Peralta – Went over him in the top 20 third basemen post.

11. J.J. Hardy – The real mystery with Hardy is why is he ranked so low.  Maybe because he came so cheaply in drafts or off of waivers, but he seemed way more valuable than 11th overall.  If I were ranking these guys, I’d put Hardy above Bonifacio.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  76/30/80/.269

12. Alexei Ramirez – In May and September, he hit around .300 and didn’t steal one base.  Removing doubles, triples and homers, that’s fifty-eight times he was on first and just stood there like a cat stole his tongue… Well, that cliche doesn’t work, but you get my drift.  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections:  80/17/70/.280/14, Final Numbers:  81/15/70/.269/7

13. Yunel Escobar – I could be guaranteed Yunel’s final line in March and I wouldn’t draft him.  I’d still prefer to draft someone who could actually be better with upside.  Preseason Rank #18, 2011 Projections:  75/10/60/.290/7, Final Numbers:  77/11/48/.290/3

14. Ian Desmond – Was he all that and a bag of Funyuns?  Nah, not exactly.  But I think you could’ve done worse with your MI.  And you put what I think in one of those 50′s supercomputers and it spits back at you, “So what?”  Have I learned my lesson with Desmond for next year?  He hit 8 homers and stole 25 bases, not sure what there is to learn.  I’ll take it every day for my MI and twice on Muesday.  Preseason Rank #10, 2011 Projections:  80/15/70/.280/20, Final Numbers:  65/8/49/.253/25

15. Alcides Escobar – If I may toot my own horn — though if I could actually toot my own horn, I’d never leave the house — I did really well with projections this year.  January Grey was locked in.  January Grey, “Funny you use that turn of a phrase cause I’m actually locked up in Guatemala.  Look for me on Locked Up Abroad!”  Preseason Rank #11, 2011 Projections:  70/3/40/.275/30, Final Numbers:  69/4/46/.254/26

16. Cliff Pennington – Now we’re at the point in this exercise where you really shouldn’t have owned any of these guys all year long.  And, if you did, you’re not reading this anyway.  You’re over in our fantasy football or fantasy hockey or fantasy basketball section talking about how Grey’s a dumbass.  Preseason Rank #14, 2011 Projections:  60/5/40/.245/30, Final Numbers:  57/8/58/.264/14

17. Marco Scutaro – One good month and you too can get in the top 20 shortstops.  3 ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 shortstops!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  59/7/54/.299/4

18. Hanley Ramirez – On top of him taping heroin to your back and pushing you through a Turkish checkpoint, his name value made everything much worse.  I’ll explain.  If you have someone like Scutaro and he’s not performing, you drop him for someone else.  You have Hanley and you hold out hope until the bitter end.  Or worse, you trade for him thinking he’s gonna bounce back.  Yeah, Hanley killed some teams this year.  We may forgive, we will never forget.  Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections:  100/26/100/.310/25, Final Numbers:  55/10/45/.243/20

19. Darwin Barney – Went over him the top 20 2nd basemen post.

20. Yuniesky Betancourt – His name anagrams to Batter Nine You Sucky.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  51/13/68/.252/4

And all the pitchers in the top 10, please allow Stephen Strasburg to bump thee.  Let’s see what we can say about Strasburg that hasn’t been said before.  Mikhail Gorbachev’s port wine birthmark on his head is actually Strasburg mid-windup.  I don’t think that had been said before.  Stephen’s cheering section, The House of Strasburg, better get out its Austrian officer uniforms because Herr Strasburg is goose stepping back into town.  I think in most redraft leagues you’d be able to find a dozen waiver wire pitchers that can do what Strasburg can do for this year.  What’s he gonna get?  4 starts at most?  Brandon McCarthy could be as valuable as him in 4 starts.  I’m just tempering you like Margaret from Boardwalk Empire.  I wouldn’t expect more than 20 innings of a 3.00 ERA.  Don’t go dropping anyone too valuable to roll with the Strasburger.  In keeper leagues, drop your priceless Faberge egg and grab him.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Casey Kotchman – Which of these statements is false:  1) He’s hitting .337. 2) He had mononucleosis for two years because the Angels Rally Monkey used his toothbrush.  3) He considered legally changing his first name to I’mplaying1stbasey.

Mike Carp – Just went over my Mike Carp fantasy.  I wrote it while wearing giant gold sunglasses like Pitbull.

J.D. Martinez – He went from a lukewarm buy to a must have in less than a week.  He could revert back to a lukewarm buy by (stutterer!) next week.

Brandon McCarthy – Has a 3.31 ERA, 1.17 WHIP and a 74:16 K:BB rate.  McCarthy’s taking on every team this year like they’re the Reds.  Hopefully he keeps it up tonight vs. the Rangers and doesn’t leave his initials on the mound.

Dontrelle Willis – For a long time his career looked as promising as the person who told Jordan a Hitler mustache was the way to go.  His ERA looks the best its looked in years, but better still is he’s keeping his BBs in check better than Ralphie.

Jake Peavy – He’s looked good the last four times out.  If you had him for those starts, take a lap around your computer, cheering yourself.  You deserve it.

Rafael Furcal – Nothing says fresh blood infused into your fantasy team’s veins like an oldie-timer.

Eric Young Jr. – I ran into Eric Young Sr. and Eric Young Jr. Jr. at a Carl’s Jr. the other day and they agreed that the only thing that’s stopping Eric Young Jr. from stealing 60 bases a year is playing time.  Then they began to argue over the real star of the duo, Junior Senior.

Jose Altuve – Has hit in ten of his last twelve games while batting .330 since his call up and is owned in 1.5% of ESPN leagues.  Jed Lowrie, who has one good week every year or so, is owned in 13.4% of ESPN leagues.  Then again ESPN dedicates five hour programming blocks to the Sawx so I guess it makes sense.

Johnny Giavotella – Could have some speed, power and abbreviate his last name as GTL.  I’ll cop to picking up Giavotella in one league.  Hey, if you can’t beat ‘em or file a restraining order…

Yuniesky Betancourt – Hitting over .400 in the last week with a homer and a steal.  Not a long term add but hot schmotatoes rarely are.

Jose Constanza – His name translates to Joe With Poem so here’s one in his honor.  Constanza is playing over Jason Heyward/Leaving a hole in my outfield the size of a fjord/Now I’m blahtooning Eric Young and Peter Bourjos/What rhymes with that? Orange juice?

Jesus Montero – Will be called up shortly and hit 2 to 4 homers while collecting 9 to 13 RBIs; I can hardly wait!

Rafael Betancourt – He can be found in the definition of Cuddle Boy, but that shouldn’t stop you from handcuffing Huston Street who once pulled a hamstring from around a candied ham and strained his elbow.

Vinnie Pestano – If Chris Perez blows one more game in horrific fashion, Pestano will be the closer.  If Perez blows two more games in less than horrific fashion, Pestano will take over.  If Perez just shows up at the game wearing a mismatched outfit, he should be fine.

SELL

Vernon Wells – If you think Vernon Wells has another month and a half of productivity in his bat, then the Blue Jays GM Alex Snuffaluffagus has a bridge in Kansas to sell you.

Derrek Lee - Has a team ever traded for someone then put him on waivers within a few weeks?  I don’t know, but Derrek Lee or Ryan Ludwick might be the first ones.  Pirates spokesman, “Listen, we were never really in the running and now we’re really not in the running… Anyone wanna take these schmohawks off our hands?  How about Ryan Doumit?  How about Dyan Roumit?  How about a catcher to be named later?”  Sure, Lee is wily with grit, but put grit and wily into Google and you get “Did you mean John McCain?” and he can’t play baseball.

Carlos Lee - Sticking with the old Lee theme, if you have Chuck Lee, stop fighting the power and shut him down.

Jason Heyward – I wouldn’t drop him in keeper leagues or leagues 12 team or deeper.  In those leagues, I’d walk into traffic wearing a burlap sack muttering about how Heyward betrayed you.  But in shallow redraft leagues, it’s time to move on.  What’s the best he can give you in a month-plus?  6 homers?  Rick Ankiel called and said he’d give you that, but not to call him back and his number is unlisted.

The Giants brought Brandon Belt back up from the minors where he was batting .293 with 3 homers in 12 games in July.  Last time he was recalled it was the Giants doing their best fill-a-Buster and Belt was a bench bat.  The time before that he was promoted and forgot his game back in Fresno.  “A box of sparklers, a Groupon to the Macaroni Grill, Brandon Belt’s game.”  That’s someone going through a lost and found in Fresno.  So those two negatives led to two (stutterer!) positives.  Bochy started Belt at first and he homered.  I’d look at Belt in all leagues for his sweet, sweet upside, but don’t drop anyone too good or it could end up smacking you upside your head.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into today’s roundup, wanted to mention that the fantasy football leagues are signing up over at our sister site, and I’m using the word sister like in Oz.  You click that linkie-ma-who and it’ll take you there.  It’s magic!  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Jeff Keppinger – Of course, Sabean acquired Keppinger.  Rogers Hornsby was unavailable.  Keppinger is a defensive upgrade on the usual flat-footed vet Sabean brings over like Burrell, who plays the mannequin defense.  Most times the defense alignment means moving guys in and out, right and left.  The mannequin defense requires them deciding if they want to play their fielders with their gloves in the air for a fly ball or on the ground because once the ball is hit there is no time for them to move their arms.

Jose Altuve – His last name is pronounced like Idon’tknowaltuve with the “Idon’tknow” being silent.  With Blanco Polanco headed to the Giants, Altuve is the odds on favorite for the starting 2nd base job.  As the Astros’ field general Mills said, “He’s my second baseman. We didn’t bring him here to sit him.  And please don’t call me General Mills.  And no my favorite player isn’t Coco Crisp.”  Someone sounds like Cap’n Grouchy.  Altuve was tearing up High-A and Double-A this year — .389 average and a 1.017 OPS.  Not bad for a guy who is 170 pounds soaking wet while carrying Juan Pierre.  He also has speed — 19 steals in 52 games in High-A, and 5 steals in Double-A.  If you’re wondering why I’m giving you his low minors stats, it’s because Ed Wade’s Toupee is promoting very raw prospects now.  Just how raw is he, you ask like you’re in the audience at The Match Game.  He’s 21 years old and has only played 34 games at Double-A.  I’d take a flyer on him in NL-Only and deeper mixed leagues to see if he can translate his speed and power to the majors.  Best case scenario — a few homers and twelve steals.  I’d pursue aggressively in keepers.

James McDonald – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Though he was the most interesting Pirate starter coming into the season, I’ve abandoned hope for him and wouldn’t go back just because of this start.  He was solid in 2010′s 2nd half, so I would watch him.  BTW, how about those Pirates?  Can’t wait for the Indians/Pirates Fall Classic.  Just when Rupert Murdoch thought things couldn’t get worse, Fox gets that series.  You know what the weather was in London yesterday for Murdoch’s Parliamentary hearings?  Hot and sticky with 100% humility.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Now has homers in back-to-back games and mentions in back-to-back roundups.  Eff me if I have to keep spelling this guy’s name.

Derrek Lee – 1-for-4 with a home run.  Has now hit in 8 of his last 9 games with 3 homers.  He was also mentioned in last week’s post about 2nd half hitters.  Prescient isn’t just a word I can’t spell without Google!

Jim Johnson – Got the save yesterday because Gregg is serving a suspension.  If you’re thinking about going with Jim Johnson, don’t drink the Kool-Aid.

Joel Peralta – Got the save yesterday because the Rays closer worked the previous two days, for what it’s Farnsworth.

Jeremy Hellickson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, 3.17 ERA and 1.13 WHIP on the year.  Actually having a really solid year, too bad when it comes to young AL East pitchers I’m like Ludacris and too scurred.

Carlos Guillen – 2-for-3 with a home run.  Honestly, I thought he was retired.  Guillen is obviously Spanish for sneaky.  He tends to hit when he’s healthy.  Though that ‘when’ is the size of your grandmother’s gams.

Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s good, he’s bad, he’s good.  YoGa’s inconsistency can really stretch your patience.

Yuniesky Betancourt – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  As I said in the preseason, “He’s not a good option in mixed leagues.  His 16 homers last year was taking the ceiling off his ceiling and making a new ceiling with duct tape.  In OBP leagues, he’s even worse.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4 with 2 steals.  That’s so Maybin!  With 5 homers and 16 steals, Maybin’s been like a poor man’s Shane Victorino.  It’s Feign Victorino.  The Padres just make me so unexcited to own one of their hitters.

Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  The Padres pitchers, on the other hand…  Chop me up and call me a Cobb salad!  Or some other expression of excitement that makes sense.

Alexi Ogando – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as he continues to FIP off the Fangraphs Database.

Chris Perez – Blew yesterday’s game after giving up a run in the previous one.  He’s an embarrassment to mullets everywhere (and that’s saying a hell of a lot).  He’s not going to lose the job this quickly, but Pestano is a decent handcuff since the Indians are actually in contention.  The Indians fan, who’s been comatose since April, just woke up to see his Indians in first.  Comatose Indians Fan, “Wow, Grady Sizemore and Shin-Soo Choo must be having great years!”

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks with his 2nd no decision in a row because of his bullpen.  Maybe next time when the bullpen wants to watch So You Think You Can Dance?, Garza won’t turn the station.

Sean Marshall – 2 IP, 3 ER.  Carlos Marmol, “See, it’s not so easy!”

Brett Cecil – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Mariners.  Like the 70′s pinup that Brett Cecil sounds like he’s named after, he both blew and sucked yesterday.  Without looking it up, I think five runs is the most the M’s scored this year.  That gets me Gordon Ramsay mad.  This start was one pathetic scallop!

Michael Pineda – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Since the All-Star selection and game, he’s given up 12 earned in 11 1/3 innings.  It’s the Curse of Atlee Hammaker.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and a steal.  Was oh for his last nine prior to that, so I’m not sure it’s the start of something, but it’s worth monitoring.

Dan Uggla – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Good to see his bats finally arrived after his offseason trade.

Brandon Beachy – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  It’s of little consolation, but you really shouldn’t have started him in Coors anyway.

Ike Davis – He said he might be done for 2011.  The Mets said he’s due back two months ago.

Jason Isringhausen – Looks like I was right about the Mets trying to raise Izzy’s trade value by making him the closer for now, after I was wrong about saying Parnell should be the closer.  I’d hold Parnell for at least the next week to see how things unfold.  Or in the Mets case, just fold.

Brandon Allen – In his two starts since he’s been called up, he’s hit two homers.  He’s also been benched 4 times.  Maybe if he fist pumps around first after every homer, Gibson will play him every day.

Aaron Heilman – The Diamondbacks released Heilman after he put up Byung-Hyun Kim in the World Series-like ERA of 6.88.  Guess they signed one too many Putzes this offseason.

Jack McKeon’s got a word for players like Hanley Ramirez — lollygaggers.  For 5 years, Hanley’s been riding the crest of natural ability.  As I’ve said before about Hanley and Manny, insouciance doesn’t age well.  Think about the hot girl who got all the guys in high school then lost her looks ten years later.  She never had to develop a personality and, now at age thirty, she’s screwing guys in the bathroom of some bar with sawdust on the floor and hoping they’ll adopt her two kids, Bob Jr. and Bob Jr. Jr.  Hanley is a hot girl with no personality.  Notice how I said is, not was.  He’s only 27 years old, and I don’t think he’s done yet.  He’s never hit below .300, his HR/FB% is way off his career rate, he’s still stealing bases and he’s getting unlucky with balls hit into play.  I don’t think his end of the year numbers are gonna look good at all, but he could easily hit .350 the rest of the way with a 12/12 2nd half.  If you can get him for fifty cents on the Washington, I’d do it.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jonny Gomes – Gomes is a mnemonic for Great Outfielder? Meh. Eerie Superior to other outfielders for a short period of time?  Yeah.  Okay, so not the best mnemonic.

Jason Bay – He’s been on absolute fire!  *fast, side effect for a medicine commercial voice*  I don’t trust his power, speed or average.  He’s gotten old — fast.  And, if he were anyone else but a guy that once hit 36 homers, we probably wouldn’t even pay attention.  If you have an erection longer than 24 hours after picking up Bay, see a doctor.

Garrett Jones – Robot’s not hard-wired to hit lefties so you have to bench him.  But Apollo Creed couldn’t get at lefties either, even with a snowball, and he did all right (until he was killed by Drago.)

Alex Presley – A Buy with two Pirates and one former in the first four names?  That’s the Jeopardy question to the answer, “How do you make Razzball readers yawn?”

Cameron Maybin – It’s funny, by which I mean it’s not funny at all, some players I love when they’re prospects then when they actually start playing I realize their upside is most players’ downside.  That’s so Maybin!

Desmond Jennings – According to the hash marks on the inside of my cave, Jennings will be called up within the next week or so because of his Super Two status.  Now, excuse me, while I make dinner for me and my volleyball.  (BTW, Jennings has been a Buy for like three weeks in a row.  Watch out, deaf ears, something’s falling!)

Eric Thames – Lotta borderline outfielders this week.  Or as I like to call them, bored-er line.  Wocka wocka wocka!

Mike Napoli – He’s due back on monday, so that means two things:  1) Now’s the time to grab Napoli. 2) Monday’s the time to grab his Mom.  “No, Ms. Napoli, I’m not drinking pineapple juice for any particular reason.”  Then we’d laugh and probably discuss Napoli’s playing time.

Geovany Soto – He’s hitting for the first time all year, but on a different note — is it me or is Geovany Soto wearing makeup?  Was he on the way to the theater to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show?

Daniel Murphy – Here’s a Cust Kayin’ for you.  For the season, Murphy’s been more valuable Billy Butler (unless your league counts Moob Size).

Lonnie Chisenhall – Just went over my Chisenhall fantasy.  I wrote it while playing Angry Birds on my iPhone while riding on the back of an ostrich.

Chris Davis – Supposedly the Rangers are about to call him up again.  Aw, geez, now someone has to change Bill James’s sheets.  I’m done with Davis until he actually hits in the major leagues, but, if you’re hurting at corner infidel, go for it.  He has hit something like 30 homers in 20 games in Triple-A this year.

Yuniesky Betancourt – Has two homers and two steals in the last ten games… Eh, he’s terrible, but I just picked him up in one league and I’m trying to convince myself he’s decent.  Betancourt is decent!  Yeah, ain’t working.

Cory Luebke – May just be a hodgepadre, but it’s worth the flyer to find out.  What’s the worst that happens?  A 6 IP, 2 ER start?  Ooh, I guess you’re too good for that with your fancy jeans and Ed Hardy t-shirt.

Javy Guerra – Bastardo has three saves this year and he’s been the closer for like a minute — and that’s not an Urban Dictionary minute which is actually a long time.  So, really who’s the bastardo in this equation?  Guerra, that’s who.  Yet, he’s supposedly the closer, but if Mattingly threw Elbert in there for the next save, wouldn’t surprise me in the least.   Or is that would surprise me in the least?  Eh, I couldn’t care less.  Or is that could care less?

Antonio Bastardo – I think Charlie Manuel seriously considered Michael Stutes for the closer job, but he just had too much fun saying Antonio Bastardo’s name.  (BTW, Bastardo was the 666th word of this post.  We’re all damned!)

Vinnie Pestano – Chris Perez went to bereveament leave because his grandmother died.  We’re sorry for his loss and hope the days off give him time to mullet over what she meant to him.  Grab Pestano for some vulture saves.  Or just grab him because he’s been good.  His middle name should be Italy because he’s a VIP.

SELL

Adam Dunn – A few weeks ago I told you to sell him, as in trade.  I think that ship’s sailed about as well as the Titanic.  Depending on your leagues, it’s now time to just drop the Big Donkey Ass.

Jeremy Hellickson – His K-rate is just over 6 and his xFIP is 4.38.  In other words, blech and belch.  In other other words, see if you can still get something before things get worse.  (Feel free to ignore this advice in keeper leagues.  Assuming you do follow some of my advice.)

David Wright – “He’s due back within the next week!!!  Or two.”  That’s you talking to another owner in your league.  “Honestly, I can’t believe I’m giving you my first round pick for Lind and Daniel Hudson.  Maybe I shouldn’t play this fantasy baseball thingie — do you want me to throw in Aaron Hill?”  That’s you too, then you giggle like Lisa Simpson when she’s swooning for a boy.  This sell is called salvaging a rotten season from Wright.  He’s never been one to just rebound immediately after an injury and he’s dealing with a back issue.  So is he gonna steal knowing he’s gotta slide?  Is he going to have a setback?  Re-injure himself?  I wouldn’t trade him for a hard candy out of your grammie’s pocketbook, but I’d explore options.

The peasant Royals decided to send their big bargaining chip for three chips and a chip to be named later.  This comes just days after Dayton Moore said Zack Greinke wasn’t happy and the Royals were going to trade him.  This is like Ted Hughes saying Sylvia Plath wasn’t happy so he was going to cheat on her.  (That was for our three girl readers and the guys who took Feminist Literature to try to get laid.  “I’m going to take Feminist Literature because it’s going to be just me and a bunch of chicks!”  Three months later, “The class is just me and chicks that hate me.”)  In 126 1/3 IP in interleague play, Greinke had a record of 10-6/4.42/1.24/112.  That includes some young years when Greinke was manhandled by depression like CT manhandled Johnny Bananas in The Gulag, it includes NL teams in AL parks and it includes some relief work.  I think he’ll be better on the Brewers.  He’s a better pitcher now.  I wouldn’t necessarily expect another automatic Cy Young year.  Let’s face it, that was a year for the ages for Greinke.  He will have a better offense and he won’t have to carry the entire starting pitching staff, which I imagine could be a drag if you don’t have the mental stamina.  After last year, Greinke was wavering between a fantasy #1 and #2.  Now there’s some shine back on him.  I’d expect a 3.50 to 3.75 ERA with a solid WHIP and Ks.  I’d have no qualms about drafting him as my first fantasy starter.  Anyway, here’s some more moves and what they mean for fantasy baseball:

Alcides Escobar – Traded to the Royals.  Doesn’t really change his value, he just needs to run.  Alcides was actually going to get a sleeper post today before this trade went down.  Now he’s getting a sleeper post tomorrow.  Stay tuned!  Or don’t!  These are your choices.

Lorenzo Cain – Who sounds like he’d be an old school rapper was traded to the Royals.  He has 20+ steal speed and some light pop.  Best case scenario, he puts up a Victorino-like season.  Worst case scenario, he’s unownable and while you’re dropping him to waivers you throw out your back and end up in traction.  I imagine in most leagues, he’ll be drafted as a “cool pick” then dropped before the first week ends.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s a great endgame sleeper pick.

Yuniesky Betancourt – The Brewers also received Betancourt.  He’ll be a terrible option in mixed leagues.  His 16 homers last year was taking the ceiling off his ceiling and making a new ceiling with duct tape.  In OBP leagues, he’s even worse.

Orlando Hudson – There’s about five fantasy owners in the world that still believe they should draft Hudson.  He met with their loved ones to figure out a way so even those five won’t draft him.  They came up with the plan for him to play with the Padres.

Bobby Jenks – Went to the Red Sox.  Pretty incredible that some teams don’t have one closer and the Red Sox now have three.  It’s league parity, ya’ll!

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – The Twins signed the 26-year-old Nishioka.  The guy who hit .346 last year and the first player in the Pacific League to get 200 hits since Ichiro.  He also hit 11 homers and stole 22 bases.  Before last year though, he hit .260 with 14 homers and 26 steals.  You’d take that at middle infield and like it.  Only problem is sometimes things get lost in translation.  Kaz Matsui hit .332 with 36 homers and 33 steals when he was 26-years-old in Japan.  We all know how well he turned out in the States.  So will Nishioka be great in his first year or will he look like he’s fresh off the bloat?  Your guess is as good as mine.  I’d draft him late if he’s still there and hope for a decent average and some steals.  I wouldn’t count on any power.

Xavier Nady – Signed with the Diamondbacks.  I’m just hoping Brandon Allen gets a shot to play.  Or am I hoping Juan Miranda gets a shot?  Luckily, Xavier Nady probably won’t make it out of Spring Training healthy.

Josh Willingham – Heads to the A’s.  This won’t be the first Hammer in Oakland.  Only this one doesn’t wear pants seventeen sizes too big.  If you jumped out of a DeLorean and told me Willingham would play 160 games in 2011, I’d tell everyone to draft him.  Unfortunately, that seems like a pipe dream.  He’ll be ownable for stretches of the upcoming season but he’ll also be sitting at the top of your waiver wire for extended period of times while you try to justify picking him up.

Bill Hall – Signed with the Astros.  Tell me you wouldn’t want to play in a fantasy league with Ed Wade.