Fantasy Baseball Advice

Some rejected titles for this post were, “Adam’s Appendix Is Dunn,” “Dunn’s Appendix Chooses Worst Of Three Outcomes,” and “Dunn Develops Killer App.”  First Holliday, now Adam Dunn with a busted appendix.  I heard if the doctor gets cold during the surgery, he’s going to snuggle inside Dunn like Luke did with his tauntaun.  Big Donkey only needs 5 days to heal because he already had an axe scar in that area they could re-use.  The turnaround time is so quick now on these surgeries that you have to wonder why it took the Twins so many years to remove their appendix (Nick Punto).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Quentin – 4-for-6, 3 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer.  He’s now hitting .500 on the year.  If he can stay healthy, he can have a huge year.  Though that if is the size of Dunn’s appendix.

Juan Pierre – 3-for-6 and his 2nd steal as he was asked to fill-in Dunn’s shoes at DH.  Lucky he didn’t have to wear his pants.

Michael Bourn – Left with tightness in his groin.  Is he now dating Rihanna?

Ubaldo Jimenez – Looks like the pickle juice or whatever medieval cure he was prescribed didn’t work and Ubaldo is headed to the DL until the 17th.  Since he only has a cut on his cuticle, he should be back when scheduled.  If you felt he should’ve been the lead of this post, “Ubaldo’s Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” is your title.  Maybe instead of pickle juice, he should’ve visited a *pinkie to mouth*  manicurist.

Chad Billingsley – 3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has a 7+ ERA in Colorado over his career.  If you ever see Bills talking to your girl at a bar, order him a Coors and watch him fall apart.

Andrew Cashner – As reported here first after reading it somewhere else, Cashner is going to the DL with a rotator cuff strain.  Tough break strain since he looked good on Tuesday and I was ready to get on board.

Randy Wells – To the DL with a forearm strain.  That’s not good.  Guessing he’ll be out for all of April.  All these injuries made me think of the Cage The Elephant‘s Shake Me Down, “Not a lot of people left around…”  Mmm-mmm… That’s me humming the words I don’t know.  I love that song.

Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  This is also the third time he’s shown up in five roundups.  If you’re gonna own him, right now is the time.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  It took me a few years to fully trust Dempster after he moved to starting.  Now that I trust him, he’s going to employ his parachute as he watches me crash to the ground.

Brad Lidge – Charlie Manuel said Lidge should be back around the All-Star break.  His exact words were, “Lidge an ornery spitfire who wants to go piking by July.  Now where in my overalls did I put that straw I like to chew on.”

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Word is the Sawx are giving Salty until June to hit.  They’re obviously more patient than me, I’m giving him until next week.

Willie Bloomquist – 2-for-5 and his 5th steal.  Emilio Bonifacio called, he wants his crazy fast April start back.  Potatoes to chips, if Bloomquist was doing this in the middle of the season, you wouldn’t even know about it, unless you were Willie Bloomquist Jr. and your dad forced you to watch all his at-bats.

Stephen Drew – Plans to return to the starting lineup on Friday.  My anticipation level for Drew’s return is above my next visit to the dentist but way below when Dustin reveals on The Real World to his roomie/girlfriend that he used to do gay porn.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-3 when he had to be lifted because of dizziness.  He was waving air into his face and jumping up down and I thought Travis Snider farted in his direction, but I think it happened on Yunel’s headfirst slide.  Not sure, I’m not a doctor.

Austin Jackson – 0-for-5.  I’ve been saying he’s not that good since last year and it looks like he’s finally coming around to my way of thinking.

Ryan Raburn – 1-for-2 as he snuck onto the field in Boesch’s jersey.  Geez, what did Raburn do?  Complain about Leyland smoking in the dugout?

Alex Avila – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with the very rare slam & legs from a catcher.  Despite having such a good night, Miguel Cabrera is hesitant to hang out with Alex Avila because of his initials.

Armando Galarraga – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Eh, I’d give him a stiff-Armando off my team.

Joakim Soria – 1 IP, 4 ER.  In the offseason, he abandoned his nickname, The Mexicutioner.  He didn’t mention he was adopting the nickname, The Mexican’t.

Jeff Francis – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’d wait to see 30 more starts from him before picking him up.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-5, 1 RBI including his 5th double.  Yes, you should pick him up.

Carl Crawford – 2 Hits, 2 steals and 2 for flinching when Francona threatened to bat him 7th again.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  If you’re new to the site, I don’t think Dice-BB should be owned in any league that, ya know, wanna win.

Kevin Correia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now is 2-0 with a 1.38 ERA on the year.  Of course, he’s pitched better than most of the pitchers on my fantasy teams.   Why do you hurt me so much small sample sizes?  That’s what she said!  (Not really.)

Neil Walker – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer.  Then there’s the other side of the small sample size coin.  You wanna believe so bad early hitting stars will hit .400 and homers every other day, but you know it won’t last.  Or at least you should know, unless you suffer from delusional fantasies.

Alberto Callaspo – 2-for-4, 2nd homer and hitting .450 on the year.  I’m the first to think he’s Callaspoo, but he’s hitting, so, yeah, grab him for your MI spot.

Mark Trumbo – 3-for-4, hitting .286 so far.  He’s played in 5 of 6 games, but hasn’t hit for power yet.  But II, The Return of But, he could start hitting for power.

Erick Aybar – Strained oblique.  In your face, intercostal!

Tim Stauffer – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Hodgepadre:  Start in Petco, don’t get them wet and don’t, under any circumstances, feed them after midnight.  So who feed Stauffer after midnight?

Nick Hundley – 1-for-3, HR.  Not sure how much you need a catcher, but Hundley’s the Padres best hitter right now.  I know how sad that sounds.

Ryan Howard – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer.  He’s now batting .524.  Yeah, he looks done.  Glad some ‘perts were ranking him in the 4th round.

Jose Contreras – Got his first save and received a 35% off discount at the movies.

Mike Pelfrey – 2 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K as he couldn’t keep the bats off the Pelfrey.  I wouldn’t own Pelfrey with your team.

Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks.  He made the Padres hitters look even worse than they normally do!

Brian Wilson – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Returned and looked like he shouldn’t have.  Hopefully it’s just him brushing the cobwebs off the gimp outfit.

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks and the conshellation prize.  Frequent commenter, Eddy, brought up an interesting stat, Volquez’s first inning ERA is 31.50, the rest of the way (8 IP) 2.25 ERA.

Ian Desmond – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs as he may have just cemented himself back in the leadoff spot.  This is why you don’t overrate 5 games of play.  Or a week.  Or a month.

John Buck – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a triple.  I’m guessing here but I feel like Buck gets more triples than any other catcher.  That Buck is a hustler!

Mike Minor – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Getting roofied by Minor and I feel like how Jeffrey Jones looks.  Oh, well.  He was probably only up for one start.  I’d lose him for now.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I try and stay away from AL rookie pitchers, but let’s remember some stuff I said in the preseason… You know, six days ago.  I said Hellickson would win the ROY and I dropped this Hellickson fantasy on ya.

Manny Ramirez – Maddon sat Manny because he was pressing.  Surprised no clouds formed when Manny’s warm air pockets of pressing met with his cool air pockets of indifference.

The top 20 shortstops for 2011 fantasy baseball are a shallow bowl of dung and ranked only ahead of the catchers for depth.  All the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings can be found under that thing that says 2011 fantasy baseball rankings.  (Don’t worry, one of my New Year’s Resolutions is to link to things a little more seamlessly).  Shortstops usually get the short end of the stick when I’m drafting.  If I don’t get Hanley, I’ll probably just take a flier on some late round player.  Yes, I don’t even really want to mess with Tulo.  In leagues that play a middle infielder, then you might need two of these schmohawks.  Hopefully, you can grab two decent 2nd basemen and only need one of these guys.  As with the other top 20 rankings, I point out where I think tiers start and stop and my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 shortstops for 2011 fantasy baseball:

1. Hanley Ramirez – In the top 10 for 2011 fantasy baseball post is Hanley’s projections.

2. Troy Tulowitzki – In the top 10 for 2011 fantasy baseball post is Tulowitzki’s projections.

3. Jose Reyes – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Andrus.  I call this tier, “These are the last two shortstops you should draft for about eight rounds.”  I would not under any circumstances draft a shortstop between Andrus and Desmond unless they fall about six rounds after where I think they should be drafted.  As for Reyes, for those thinking Reyes had a poor 2010, consider he was the 3rd best shortstop on ESPN’s Player Rater.  Sure, that has its flaws, but who was better?  Jeter?  Alexei?  Elvis?  Reyes hit 11 homers and stole 30 bases last year.  Not to mention it was in only 133 games so if you filled him in halfway decently from your waiver wire, you had additional stats from his spot.  2011 Projections:  110/12/60/.290/40

4. Elvis Andrus – I already went over my Elvis Andrus fantasy for next year.  At 22 years old, he might be still come in under my projections, but he’s capable of a huge fantasy-defining season.  I’m willing to take the chance that it happens.  2011 Projections:  95/5/50/.270/45

5. Jimmy Rollins – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Furcal.  I call this tier, “Holy crap, the shortstops are really shallow.”  Seriously, Rollins is the 5th best shortstop?  Rollins has been getting progressively worse the last three seasons and I don’t think he’s suddenly going to turn things around at the age of 32.  Yeah, you really should punt at this point.  Look at Drew or others later on.  A few things on Rollins.  In 2006, Rollins had 15 infield hits.  That number has gone down every year.  His line drive rates have fallen every year since 2008.  His ground ball rate last year was a new career high.  His speed was at an all-time low last year for his career.  You know what happens when a guy gets older and hits the ball on the ground?  He gets thrown out at first.   2011 Projections:  85/14/65/.260/20

6. Derek Jeter – So I’ve been watching the first season of Friday Night Lights.  Great show.  I’d say SPOILER ALERT! but the show’s like seven years old.  Anyway, when Riggins was stealing Minka from Street, I kept imagining Street yelling, “So, Jeter, it’s okay to steal a cripple’s girlfriend, but you won’t fight a cripple?!”  Maybe it’s just me.  As for Jeter — eh, you know what you’re getting by this point.  Light power, some steals, good runs.  Plus, you can tell your lady friend that you drafted Jeter and watch how much tail you get.  Unless you live in Boston.  Then put on the Nomar jersey.  “I’m dating Charlene, Ma.  You gotta get used to it.”  I love Mark Wahlberg.  2011 Projections:  105/12/65/.280/15

7. Alexei Ramirez – Here’s one of those borderline guys.  If he hits 17-20 homers and steals 15 bases, you’re okay.  Shave just a few off either and you have a 15/12 guy, i.e., a guy that steals 2 bases and hits less than 3 homers per month.  That grows boring really fast during the course of the season.  I don’t mind trading for Alexei on May 1st, but his first month makes his overall stats look just a’ight.  BTW, we should have a glossary term for Latin players who don’t play well in the cold weather months.  2011 Projections:  80/17/70/.280/14

8. Rafael Furcal – Last year in only 97 games, he went 8/22, but I wouldn’t prorate that over a full season.  Seems to actually play better when he plays an abbreviated season.  Maybe because he’s 33 years old.  If you’re in a shallow enough league where you can readily replace him when he’s hurt, I’d consider drafting him.  In most leagues, I wouldn’t bother.  2011 Projections:  75/8/45/.280/17

9. Stephen Drew – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Escobar.  I call this tier, “Okay, grab one quick because they get ugly again real fast.”  (Note:  All projections in this tier are optimistic, but whatevs.)  Feels like we’ve been waiting forever for Drew’s big breakout.  At 28 years old in 2011, this is the year.  Or so my gut is telling me.  He had a solid 2nd half — 11 homers, .281 in 267 ABs and that’s about as much positivity I can muster.  He has so many major league ABs, he shouldn’t just explode for an incredible year, but I can’t help think he’s due.  Hey, I said it was a gut call more than anything.  His 2011 won’t be MVP-worthy, but it could be valuable and at shortstop you gotta take some upside fliers.  2011 Projections:  90/24/70/.275/7

10. Ian Desmond – Could be a cheap version of Alexei Ramirez.  I know, that sounds about as enticing as walking in on your grandparents having sex.  But if Desmond exceeds expectations and Alexei falls just short and if and but’s were dollar bills I’d be a millionaire.  Okay, Desmond’s an upside flier, just go with it.  2011 Projections:  80/15/70/.280/20

11. Alcides Escobar – I already hit you up with an Alcides Escobar fantasy sleeper thing-a-woozie.  2011 Projections:  70/3/40/.275/30

12.  Starlin Castro – This is a new tier.  This tier goes until Tejada.  I call this tier, “And they just got ugly again.”  I almost put Castro in the above tier, because he does have yute on his side.  In the end, I’m too worried Castro may get drafted as if he has this huge upside.  I’d lower my expectations with him.  He gets caught stealing way too much and he doesn’t have great power.  2011 Projections:  75/5/55/.305/12

13. Ryan Theriot – Wanna know the problem with the state of shortstops?  How about this:  Theriot was ranked 18th for 2nd basemen.  That about covers it.  Went over Theriot’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

14. Cliff Pennington – What a butt ugly group we have here.  Pennington is basically Theriot with a few more steals and homers and a potentially terrible average.  Also, he looks good in plaid pants, if that’s a category in your league.  2011 Projections:  60/5/40/.245/30

14 1/2. Mike Aviles – Went over Aviles’ projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball post.  (Note:  Only has 13 games at shortstop so he got a half.)

15. Juan Uribe – Went over Juan Uribe’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.

16. Jhonny Peralta – Member the days when Jhonny and Khalil Greene would go around putting silent H’s in people’s names?  Charlos Lee got so mad!  Ah, yes, and I have nothing to say about Jhonny Peralta.  2011 Projections:  65/17/80/.255

17. Jason Bartlett – Went over my Bartlett fantasy when the Padres got him.  Go there to read the Bartlett blurb.  Or Blurblett, if you’re into portmanteaus.  2011 Projections:  80/5/55/.270/17

18. Yunel Escobar – Um… Well… Uh… Wait, why is he being ranked?  Oh, because he basically has the same projections as Mike Aviles.  Yeah, shortstops are bad this year.  Have I mentioned that before?  2011 Projections:  75/10/60/.290/7

19. Omar Infante – Infante’s 2010 reminds me of Zobrist’s 2009 on a much smaller scale.  Utility man makes good, news at 11.  I’m gonna move on before I bore us both any further.  2011 Projections:  65/5/40/.280/8 ( Note: Only has 19 games at shortstop.)

20. Miguel Tejada -  Somewhere Sabean is twirling his mustache thinking about how much he’d love to sign Bartlett in three years.  My Tejada projections are assuming he won’t start shooting up again.  2011 Projections:  65/13/75/.275/3

After the top 20 shortstops for 2011 fantasy baseball, there’s a bunch of names, but here’s two that stand out:

Reid Brignac – I just couldn’t end the top 20 shortstops with Miguel Tejada.  The Rays have to play Brignac, right?  I mean, they can’t let him just keep getting older and not give him a fair shake, can they?  Yeah, I don’t know.  If they give Brignac an everyday job, his fantasy value will drop him around 10th on this list.  Since it’s the shortstops, I’d throw a flier Brignac’s way with or without a job and hope you get lucky and he starts.  2011 Projections:  60/15/75/75/.260/7

Asdrubal Cabrera – Consider Asdrubal above Starlin Castro on this list, but I wanted to highlight him.  Gotta throw out 2010 with Asdrubal.  He got injured, can’t hold his bad year against him. Plus, a bad year is so amorphous, how are you gonna hold that against anyone?  At 25 years old, Asdrubal is still in his prime and can put together a decent season for a MIF — Middle Infielder Flier.  2011 Projections:  80/7/60/.295/20

This year in the minors Domonic Brown had a line of 62/19/64/.323/14 and .385/.580/.965.  Let’s recap, whoa/wow/nice/yum-yum/don’t mind if I do and yowsers/that’s lovely/yowsersthat’slovely.  To break that down for the people who skimmed the first two sentences, he has 20/20 potential with plate discipline.  It’s the fantasy baseball equivalent to:  “I don’t think this glazed donut can get any better.”  “How about we sprinkle bacon on it?”  Drool.  By my estimation (and Keith Law’s), he’s the number one prospect in the minors.  (Desmond Jennings is a close 2nd in my book that was rejected by Simon & Schuster.)  Either Werth will be shown the door or Philly fans will kidnap Raul Ibanez and toss him blindfolded into the newly-constructed Octagon in Citizens Flank’s parking lot.  Is Domonic Brown more trouble than he’s Werth?  No, I don’t think so.  Unless we’re talking about spelling his name.  I’d grab Brown in 12 team mixed leagues or deeper.  In keepers, you should own him already.  If you don’t, then now might be a good time.  Or now.  Or now.  Or… You get the point.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we head into the post, just wanted to say the Commenter and Razzball league standings were updated.  Anyway II, onto the Buy/Sell:

BUY

Alex Gordon – Is this the Alex Gordon that was called up three years ago after tearing up the minors only to flame out?  Or is this the Alex Gordon that is called up today that just got done ripping up the minors that will finally fulfill his promise?  I don’t know.  He crushed the minors this year — in 277 ABs, 14 homers, 8 steals, .310 average, .451 OBP and a 1.018 OPS.  He can be a 20+ homer, 15 steal guy over the course of a full season if he doesn’t get in his own way and the Royals give him every day ABs.  I would take a flyer on him for your corner infidel spot for the chance he finally makes good on the promise.  If you’ve heard this story before about Gordon, it’s because you probably have, so don’t drop anyone too valuable.

Chris Johnson -  He’s hitting right now and he has some power potential.  Plus, if he fails you, you can say, “Chris Johnson meet P. Johnson,” while urinating on your computer screen that’s showing your fantasy team.

Yunel Escobar – Hopefully the hand injury he sustained the other day doesn’t get in the way of the revenge he’s currently seeking on the entire Braves organization.

Starlin Castro – In one league, I’m rocking Luis Castillo in my middle infield.  I don’t tell you this because I think you should pickup Castillo or for pity.  I want sympathy!  Castro started off as a hero to millions then he left all his believers scavenging for scraps.  That commie bastard!  Now he’s hitting and stealing bases.

Neil Walker – I’m pretty lukewarm on Walker.  He looks like Coghlan at MI, which is all right.  At least right now, he’s Coghlan when Coghlan’s hitting.

Asdrubal Cabrera – I’d prefer to take an As-Cab to a Walker.

Scott Sizemore – He’s baaack!  And doing nothing like when he left. Who knew a meth’d out Tom Sizemore would be the most reliable Sizemore this year?  I’d grab Scotty for the chance he can make good on his promise.  (He promised me 14/16 in the preseason.  He’s lied thus far.)

Ty Wigginton – His ownership numbers are trending down but that’s wrong, I tell ya.  Guy gets streaky like your acid wash jeans from the 80s.  Unlike the jeans, you don’t have to deny ever owning him.

Jason Bartlett – Welcome back to 103.5 MI-ROQ, where it’s middle infielders all day and night!  Bassoon, tire screech, crazy cackling, triangle, cow bell, more cow bell and one last ding.  Don’t fahgettaBartlett!

Matt Diaz – Dye-As murders lefties, which is similar to being a lefty killer.  Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Rinse, repeat.

Drew Stubbs – At 13/18 with a .245 average, he’s having a season that a young Krispie Young would’ve admired.

Juan Rivera -  I’ll be honest, some of these guys are hard to get excited about.  Juan Rivera’s one of those guys.  Wait, who was I talking about?  See!

Jack Cust – If you don’t know what Cust gives you, go back three places and read Matthew Berry.

Luke Scott -  Hard to recommend Scott too highly.  He’s currently hitting and he could get you some homers, but he might not play every day.  It’s like masturbating to The Golden Girls.  It’ll get the job done, but why not switch the channel?

Jordan Zimmermann – I went over J-Z in, like, the last three Buys.  Scroll around the site, will be good for pageviews.

Travis Wood – There could be some ups and downs for Wood.  Oofa!  Thank you, don’t forget to tip your waitresses.  He gets the Astros today.  Giddy up, Wood.  That’s what she said!

Pedro Alvarez – I just went over my Alvarez fantasy.  Click through, it’ll save you time because we both know how busy you are.

J.J. Putz – SAGNOF!

Matt Thornton -  See 1/8th of an inch above.

Sergio Santos – Nothing comes between me and my Sergio Santos.  Except maybe Putz and Thornton.  I’d grab them, in the order I’ve listed them.

Chris Perez – We have to assume Wood will take over when he returns.  But Perez could have the closer job for the rest of the season if Wood is traded.  But II, Making A But Out Of Nothing At All:  Even if Wood returns, he’s far from secure.

SELL

Mike Leake – Even Dusty can’t continue to throw Leake as he flies past a reasonable innings limit.  Dusty’ll put him in Harang’s uniform then send him back to the mound.

Kris Medlen – I love me some Medlen.  We practically grew up together.  Or maybe it was just that I owned him in a few fantasy leagues for a few months.  Neverthehoo!  Medlen’s having his innings limited, it’s hard to own that, unfortunately.

Phil Hughes – The Yankees have limited Hughes to 4 starts in the past month and will probably keep him close to the same workload moving forward.  It’s Hughes Rules… Skip him for a start then let him throw a mediocre 5 inning game.

Josh Beckett – Right after he goes against the hapless M’s tonight, you write something like this on your league messageboard, “Now that Beckett is doing great, I have an excess of starters that I want to trade.  Will trade everyone but Beckett because I really believe him… Unless someone makes a good offer.”  Then you take any offer you get for Beckett.  That’s ygolohcysp, baby!

Manny Ramirez will miss at least three weeks with a significant strain of his calf.  If he had four teats, he could be a cow.  Manny’s been dealing with this calf problem since April.  His “doctor” gave him some “fertility” medicine, but Selig and his “rules.”  Now Manny has an aggravated calf and impotency.  I hope you’re all happy.  I’d DL Manny if I owned him.  If you don’t have room, I’d just lose him.  You guys will see each other again because you love Manny.  Otherwise, I’m not sure why you owned him to begin with.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jonathan Broxton – 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Returned to the role of closer only to get taken out mid-inning because Don Mattingly inadvertently went to the mound twice.  A mustachioed Mattingly would’ve never made that mistake.

Aramis Ramirez – 3-for-5, 7 RBIs with 3 homers.  The first three months of the season Aramis was like the virgin cowboy from The Real World: Los Angeles.  The last few weeks he’s been like the virgin cowboy from The Real World: Los Angeles right after he rubbed up against the female police officer.

Geovany Soto – 2-for-5 with his 12th homer as he bats .293.  Yeah, he’s been better than Mauer, but whatever.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-5 and batting .474 over the last week with his third steal this week.  SAGNOF!

Chris Johnson – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in two games.  He doesn’t have huge power potential, so keep expectations in check, but if your corner infidel is dying, I could see a flyer in deeper mixed leagues.

Nate McLouth – Will return on Wednesday.  He was McLousy before getting knocked out for a month and a half with a concussion. (“Crimey, is this how long Morneau is going to be out?” asks your inner monologue.)  I wouldn’t rush to add McLouth since he’ll be sharing time with Melky.

Tommy Hunter – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I cheated and picked him up in a 12 team league for this two-start week.  He shouldn’t be pitching as well as he has been, but he is, so what are you supposed to do?  I mean, 8 out of his 9 starts have been quality starts.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer as he bats .357 on the year.  Can we get him to play the outfield in a bubble so he doesn’t get hurt?

Ian Kinsler – Back-to-back games with a home run to bring his season total to 6.  Would not shock me to see him get to 20 homers by the end of the season.  Yes, that’s a lot of homers for a 2nd baseman in just over 2 months.  Don’t underestimate anyone in the Rangers lineup.

Carlos Gonzalez – Didn’t play yesterday because of a bruised index finger.  I wish I had a finger for CarGo, but I’m currently giving it to Jason Bay.

Dexter Fowler – 1 for his last 25.  Not sure why, but he hasn’t been able to keep his hitting going at the big league level so far in his career.  I’d bench him or start to look elsewhere.  (Yes, I am kinda hoping to reverse jinx him into hitting.)

Jamie Moyer – Headed to the DL after being diagnosed with an acute case of “old.”  J.A. Happ should return to take his spot.  No, I’m not a fan of Happ.

Matt Diaz – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in 3 games.  If it makes the medicine go down a little easier, I picked up Diaz in a league.

Kevin Slowey – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Indians.  It was into the 6th inning and Slowey had only given up one run and his WHIP was under 1.00.  Of course, I was cursing his name since I benched or dropped him everywhere.  Then, for the first time all year, Slowey didn’t let me down when he loaded the bases so Jesse Crain could give up two inherited runs.

Jon Rauch – Has a bruised ankle, which isn’t half as delicious as a braised ankle.  Rauch should return in a day or two.  Meanwhile, I’d grab Matt Guerrier, who is not a guppy-terrier mix, in case you were wondering.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 0-for-5 as he was activated from the DL.  Nothing to report here because I already told you you (stutterer!) should pick him up.  It’s AS-drubal, after all.  Why wouldn’t you?  His name lyrical.  You go sing about him in the shower.  Unless you’re in prison.

Yunel Escobar – Sat out after being hit on his right hand while trying to bunt on Monday.  This is what you call old news, which is a lot less redundant than new news but less timely.

Jose Bautista – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and his major league leading 26th homer.  Last year, it was the improbable Aaron Hill.  This year, Bautista.  Next year, John McDonald will hit 40 homers.  You heard it here first.

Neil Walker – If anyone can figure out how to go 5-for-5 and only score one run and knock in one while your team scores 11, Neil Walker can.

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs with 2 homers.  The Smashbuckler!

Phil Hughes – 5 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Instituting Joba Rules on Hughes has had similar poor results.  Hughes’ ERA is up to 3.99 and is no longer a must start everywhere, which makes him very difficult to own.  You get sonavabenched then you start him and he gets rocked.

Mike Napoli – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer.  He has two more home runs than A-Rod.  Cust kayin’.

Juan Gutierrez – No lie.  I picked him up in multiple leagues as soon as I saw Gibson was calling him in for the save.  By the time I got to my third team, he had already given up a home run to Pagan.  He’s given up 13 homers in 34 1/3 innings.  Mariano hasn’t given up 13 homers in three years.  Halladay’s given up 13 homers in 154 innings.  Juan Gutierrez has the 13th worst OPS in the major leagues for pitchers with at least 20 innings.  Only three of the other guys are still in the major leagues!  I’m going to bench him just so others can’t get saves, but I should’ve just let them have him.

Barry Enright – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Hey, it’s the guy that sounds like he’s your uncle!  Don’t believe the magic, Enright’s getting by on smoke and mirrors.

Chris Carpenter – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks and got the Win as the Phillies’ Andrew Carpenter got the loss.  Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time two Carpenters were involved in both sides of a decision since Jesus and one of his carpenter buddies agreed Jesus should bring the wine for the company picnic.

David Freese – Broke his toe while rehabbing his right ankle.  If you’re fantasy season is contingent on Freese returning, you might want to start thinking about fantasy football.

Mike Gonzalez – After pulling a Kotchman for a few months, he’ll return this Friday.  Soon after, the O’s closer job will be ‘A Mike G. Joint.’

Luke Scott – 2 homers yesterday and no injuries!  He’s like the fantasy baseball equivalent to Lay’s Potato Chips.  When Luke Scott hits homers, he can’t hit just one.  I could see him hitting another four homers this month.  Be cautious about picking him up though, three of those four homers may be of the pinch hit variety because he’ll be sharing time.

Matt Garza – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It was the Suckie-O’s!  What are you doing, Garza?  You’re killing me.  4 homers allowed?  Tony Pena pitched better in the Homer Derby.

Carl Crawford – Left the game after a pickoff throw hit Carl’s Jr.

Scott Rolen says he’s going to try to avoid the DL because of his hamstring.  Dusty said, “Too bad he can’t pitch because they don’t use their legs.  Except in soccer.”  It doesn’t sound too promising for Rolen.  Injuries are old hat for Rolen.  He makes everyone else besides Glass Chipper seem healthy.   On top of the injury, Rolen was hitting .182 in July with zero homers.  If I owned him, I’d hope he went to the DL, so I can store him on my DL while grabbing another player.  Either way, I’d start making other plans because a Rolen that’s playing injured isn’t an exciting hitter to have on your team.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Drew Stubbs – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th steal to go along with his 13 homers.  He’s batting .500 over the last week and has been valuable the whole year, even with the ridiculous amount of strikeouts.  Would’ve been a good player to fingercuff.

Jonny Gomes – 3-for-4, 3 Runs and his 2nd home run in the last three games.  The Reds are 2nd in the majors with home, er, homers and top five in hitting overall.  If you want to know how the Blue Jays would be if they were in the NL Central, look no further.

Dexter Fowler – Didn’t start in yesterday’s game and was seen icing his knee.  Who does he think he is, Duff Goldman?

Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  You’re feeling a little silly if back in May you named your kid, Ubaldo.

Troy Tulowitzki – Could return as soon as next Wednesday.  I was trying to acquire him last week, but wasn’t able to.  Maybe you give it a whirlski?

Mike Stanton – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Still only batting .235 on the year, but watching him hit makes me think he can be a 30 homer guy as early as next year.  Yes, at 21.  Could be a great one for a long time.

Brandon Inge – Out for 4-6 weeks with a broken pinkie.  Inky, Blinky and Clyde are said to be fine.  The other day I was just thinking to myself that I can’t believe I have Inge on a team considering how yawnstipating he’s been this year.  Way to kick me in the ass to look for something better on waivers.  Now if only Chone Figgins would get knocked out for 6 weeks too.

Roy Oswalt – Says he’ll make his next start.  To read between the words, he’s saying, “God, yes, I’m healthy, now someone please trade for me.”

Wade Davis – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has back-to-back quality starts after rumors started flying that Hellickson would be called up to replace him.  Guess he needed Hellickson to light a fire under him.  (<–sorta pun!  You know, fire under him… Hellickson… Yeah, if you have to explain it, you probably shouldn’t bother.)  On a more serious note, Davis has been terrible this year.  An under 6 K/9, around a 4 BB/9.  Really uninspiring numbers.  Will be hard to recommend him next year if he doesn’t step up his game.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-5 with his 14th steal to go along with his 13 homers.  Wait, I know this one!  That’s David Wright!  Pretty cool impersonation.  Okay, Victorino’s out-homering you, how about you start hitting some home runs?  Thank you.

Yunel Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in two games.  After the game, he dedicated today’s home run to ‘the Cox that said I don’t care.’  Yes, you should pick up Yunel.  Never underestimate a talented, unmotivated guy who’s suddenly motivated.  See contract years of Beltre and brief moments of sanity by Milton Bradley.

Daniel Hudson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has 10 Ks in 10 2/3 innings, but he’s giving up far too many baserunners.  If this wasn’t the M’s in Safeco (the worst home hitting team in the majors), I’d consider it a bigger step in the right direction.  BTW, Daniel’s middle name is Clairborne.  Hehe…  Dork!

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs with his 12th home run.  See what he’s doing now?  He’s roping you in for next year.  I can see it already.  Random fantasy ‘pert, “Blah blah blah A-Ram’s 2nd half numbers blah blah blah.”

Carlos Silva – 1 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners.  I think if I were selling my soul, I would’ve asked to be good for the whole season instead of just the 1st half.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 21st homer as Ian Stewart also went yard for his 12th homer.  Winning Daily Double Donkey Day tickets can now be redeemed.

Scott Baker – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 13 baserunners, 1 K.  Nice that Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome is pitching friendly for the visitors.  Just swell.  Bravo on a terrific season, Baker.  Please take a lap around the puma cage at your local zoo.

Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-6 with 2 homers.  How funny will it be if Soberera misses out on the Triple Crown because Bautista leads the league in homers?

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-7.  He was in last week’s Sell.  Yup.

Nelson Cruz – 3-for-6, 4 RBIs with his 12th homer and 11th steal.  Personally, I’m just happy any day he’s healthy.  All you have to do is show up in the Rangers lineup and you get a few RBIs and Runs.  Well, except for…

Chris Davis – 0-for-7.  Ticker two seasons!  When can we just lump him in with Chris Shelton?  I’m not bluffin’ on Davis’ nothin’.

Chris Johnson – 3-for-5 with his first career homer.  Now has a four game hitting streak, and he’s playing every day.  I wouldn’t go near him yet in anything but deep leagues, but he’s worth watching.

Jon Rauch – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Now back-to-back Kazaams!

Justin Morneau – Will miss another week of games due to his concussion, but the Twins aren’t sure as Gardenhire said, “No one knows.  The doctors can only guess too.”  If I had known guessing was all that was involved, I would’ve stuck the course with pre-med.  Another thing I wish someone told me.

Ryan Sweeney – Tough blow for the A’s as they lose their number three hitter to season-ending surgery.  He was on pace for 2 homers, 0 steals and 50 RBIs.  Okay, all kidding aside, but was he on pace to be the worst three hitter in the history of the game?

Chris Capuano – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. a Dreadless Pirate lineup.  I see you moving your cursor towards picking up Capuano.  Stop and back away from your computer.  Go splash some coffee on your face.  You’re sleepwalking.

Prince Fielder – 1-for-4 with his third homer in 3 games.  Last week I traded for Fielder in a league where I needed power.  I sent Berkman and The Adverb for Chubb Rock and Ben Sheets.  Not exactly a humdinger.  Really a needs trade.  I needs me some power and the other guy needs him some pitching.  First time I’ve owned Sheets in probably four years.  If it wasn’t a 20 team league, I would’ve dropped him.  I benched him yesterday, if you’re keeping score during this roundup.

Madison Bumgarner – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Doesn’t his name sound made up?  Like it’s a gag name Bart Simpson would have Moe announce to the bar.

Manny Ramirez – Headed for another MRI and might need to go back to the DL.  Don’t even tell me Vladimir Shpunt is a quack.

James McDonald – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He should be able to strikeout around 8 K/9, but he had a 4+ ERA in the minors this year.  I wouldn’t expect him to do better in La La Land.  Could be a decent gamble in H2H and NL-Only leagues, but I’d hold off for now in roto mixed leagues.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-5 as the Mets announced Reyes is only a few days away from returning.

Mike Pelfrey – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  As I said three weeks ago, “I just popped a zit in the mirror and spelled out, “You can probably do better than Pelfrey.””  And that’s me quoting my zit!

Jayson Nix – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs while Jason Donald went 2-for-5 with 2 RBIs as they battle it out to see who sits when Asdrubal returns.  You can stack Nix vs. Donald right up there with some of the classic battles of all-time like Ali vs. Frazier or Sam vs. Frasier.