Justin Duchscherer is headed to the DL with a bad hip. (That’s the exact medical term. I checked WebMD.) How about them Athletics?! Talk about an ironic team name. Bobby Crosby, Street, Chavez, formerly Harden, etc. How about un-Athletic? What, too obvious? Whateves. You add the clever for once. Duchscherer might come back in two weeks. There’s only five weeks left! You’re going to wait around for this schmohawk? Cut bait as they say on the Country Music Channel or The Nashville Network or whatever channel Jeff Foxworthy’s hosting a show on. Oh, wait, that’s Fox. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Derek Lowe - 6 1/3 innings, 1 ER. I’m on him for home matchups like Alyssa Milano’s on Valtrex.

James Loney - HR yesterday. Headed to Philly for a weekend series. Stock up on your Dodgers’ bats. Loney’s probably one that is out there.

Greg Smith - 6 IP, 0 ER. Against the Mariners. It’s like being able to hit the ocean with a golf ball from a pier.

Yunel Escobar - HR yesterday. If he gets to ten home runs and five steals with a .290 average, you’re going to look at him next March and think about drafting him. Remember the five months of yawnstipation. Remember.

Brandon Webb/Cliff Lee - 19th and 18th wins respectively. Now disrespectfully, Cliff Lee?! Holy heffin’ hey, are you serious? He’s 29 and his K/BB ratio tripled this year.  What the eff? Imagine if the Indians were good and hadn’t been Pronk’d! Cliff Lee would be looking at a 40 win season and free blow from Drew Carey for life.

Hideki Matsui - First home run since returning three games ago. This is a win for Godzilla, anime and porn.

Joey Votto/Jay Bruce - Both homered yesterday. They should totally watch Beaches together, because Votto’s totally Barbara Hersey and Jay Bruce is Bette Midler. While Jay Bruce is rocking out on Broadway in a musical about Otto Titsling, Votto’s living for some detached jerk and biding his time until he has a baby. But things only appear wonderful for Bruce. His spouse is two-timing on him, he can’t have a kid and he’s butt freakin’ ugly. Wait, I was all ready for a good cry when I realized this was supposed to have something to do with Votto, Bruce and fantasy baseball? Oh, that’s right! Votto’s just as good as Bruce, but he’s getting cold there in Bruce’s shadow.

When I go for chicken ‘n waffles, they have to be smothered in gravy; that’s just the way I like ‘em. And I love me some Red Rooster Hot Sauce. I can do without the hot sauce, but it makes the whole experience so much better. I mention this for two reasons, 1) I’m really hungry and my woman’s taking a long time preparing my eats and 2) a rookie pitcher like Manny Parra is the hot sauce. You shouldn’t expect them to win your championship. You have your chicken ‘n waffles and gravy. You need those components.  (Yes, I’m calling chicken, waffles and gravy components.) But the extras — the hot sauce — the rookie pitchers, the ones you don’t count on, they make everything that much better. Actually, I’m not sure if that metaphor makes any sense, but like I said, I’m hungry so bear with me. I don’t think Manny Parra is out there in too many leagues, but if he is, you should jump on him. The hot sauce can make all the difference. (Okay, just returned from dinner to finish this post and that pre-dinner rambling made a surprising amount of sense. You’re welcome.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Mike Mussina - If you have him on a team, you’re probably reading this site for the pictures.

Erick Aybar - Left yesterday’s game with a hand injury. Chone Figgins says, “Ah-ha,” a’la Nelson from The Simpsons.

Ryan Ludwick - Vincent aka The Queen’s Assassin was asked about in the comments recently. Crux of the question was, “Can Ludwick keep up this pace?” My abbreviated/edited answer, “Chances he keeps hitting three home runs a week? Slim to anorexic. Can he get to 30 home runs? Probably. He’s about a HR/15 at-bat guy. LaRussa’s your biggest obstacle right now because there’s a chance he starts some other schmohawks in the outfield over Ludwick and Rasmus is waiting in the wings too. I’d say that Ludwick can net you 65/28/80/.270.” And that’s me quoting me!

Salomon Torres - He could be back on as the Brewers closer since Backne is complaining of stiffness.

Clint Barmes - Homered in third straight game. Deer Meat plots its revenge.

Kevin Kouzmanoff - He has absolutely killed me thus far in my ‘pert league. Get a load of this one, this was his first three RBI game of the year. That’s pathetic. According to Elias Sports Bureau, this is the latest point in the year that anyone’s knocked in three runs for the first time after starting a majority of their team games. (Elias Sports Bureau didn’t actually say that. But here’s some things that were overheard last week at the Elias Sports Bureau, “For the first time in three years, the soda machine ran out of Dr. Pepper before Orange Crush,” “Patrick slept with his secretary sixteen times before telling the same co-workers he swore not to tell,” “On March 3rd, the elevator stopped at every floor three times before it stopped at the fourth floor once. This is the first time in the history of the Elias Sports Bureau elevator that this has happened.”

Corey Hart - Looks like he’s finally getting hot. About time, now maybe he can send that elixir Alexis Rios’s way.

C.C. Sabathia - Now has a 1.17 ERA and a 28/3 K/BB ratio in his last three starts. He’s still 77% Number One Starter and 23% Twinkies. (The margin of error is plus or minus four percentage points.)

Yunel Escobar - Was helped off the field after taking Church’s noggin to his knee. I’m hoping this is nothing because he’s been most of my offense on one team. I’m talking to you, Kouzmanoff!

Daniel Cabrera - I feel like he will burn you at any moment, but he’s thrown eight consecutive quality starts and didn’t walk anyone against the Yankees, a team that draws walks against Carlos Silva. Whoever took the risk and grabbed him late or off waivers could reap serious rewards this season. Unfortunately, I didn’t pick him up in any league. *sniffing the air* I smell like vagina.

Adam Jones - He went 4-for-5 and knocked in four RBIs yesterday. (He’s beating you, Kouzmanoff.) I dropped Jose Guillen in my ‘pert league to grab Adam Jones. I figured that I know what I’m getting from Guillen, but with Adam Jones, who knows, maybe he’s adjusted quicker than anyone thinks he can. ‘Member he was a lot of prognosticators’ choice for AL ROY in the preseason. (BTW, prognosticators was your Word of the Day.)

Chad Billingsley - I’m thinking Billingsley can win a Cy Young in two years and he will be in my top twenty starters for next year. Yeah, I’m crushing hard.

Chase Headley - He didn’t do anything yesterday. (Well, I’m sure he did something. I mean, he is alive and all. Some extremely large people considering eating ‘doing something.’ Others consider Yahtzee ‘doing something.’ So Chase was doing something, just not sure what it was. But I digress.) The reason why I mention him is because this morning I picked him up in the same ‘pert league. (Yeah, when you have Kouzmanoff, you scrounge for offense.) He seems like he’s due up within a week or two. (June 1 gives the Padres some extra arbitration time.) I don’t know if I’m going to have him by the time he’s called up, but if I do, then I might have an extra piece on offense. He hit nearly .350 in spring training with pop. And, really, it’s not like he can hurt the offense that the Padres are trotting out there every day, so why wouldn’t they bring him up? (BTW, there were three sets of parentheses in this entry alone. That’s impressive. (And four if you count that one (Wait, that’s five) Now six) Infinity!)))

The first week of fantasy baseball is in the books. More than likely you have at least one team that absolutely sucks. Started the year looking like Beth from The Real World, pre- and post-plastic surgery. I know I do. Well, the fantasy baseball season’s not over yet. Miguel Cabrera’s not going to end the season hitting under .150. So let’s cull some stuff so we can mull some stuff, shall we?

Xavier Nady - Honestly, never thought I’d ever mention him on the blog, but he’s starting the season on fire. Could he keep it going? What, am I Ms. Cleo? I don’t know for sure, but history tells us no. This won’t continue. Know what you can’t do? Let him sit on the waiver wire. Don’t drop Carlos Lee for him, but every year some players come out of nowhere. Maybe this is Nady’s year. I know when I grabbed Beltre after he hit four homers in the first week of ‘04, leaguemates laughed at me (I believe Rudy Gamble is included in the list). Yeah, I won that league. You just never know some times. Chad Qualls is swell and all, but you can drop him and take a flier on Nady. He could be this year’s Carlos Pena.

Jason Kendall - He is a .300 hitter. The problem is he has the power of a twelve-year-old girl. Continue to ignore.

Derrek Lee - I pointed out four months ago, “Post-All-Star break in ’07, he hit 16 of his 22 homers. Watch this trend continue into ‘08.”  I don’t think this is going to stop.

Frank Thomas - He could lead the league in homers. I say he falls twenty short. There’s a reason the warranty expires after 100,000 miles.

Yunel Escobar - He’s doing everything right. There’s no reason why he can’t be a young Renteria. (That’s actually not a knock, even if it sounds like one.)

Jayson Nix - Atrocious is being kind for how he’s looked at the plate. Iceberg right ahead!

Manny Ramirez - All them Sons of Sam Horn were slapping fives high saying, “Manny’s back,” after the four RBI March 25th game. Well, he’ll still be okay, but Don’t Believe the SOSH Hype Machine.

Jake Peavy - I told you he was as good as Santana and his division’s hitting is Triple AAAish.

Edinson Volquez and Johnny Cueto - Their weeks won’t always be as good as this one, but they obviously have the stuff. Let’s hope the league doesn’t catch up to them too fast. I’ll probably tell you to trade them in June, but we have time before we have that travail.

Brian Bannister - Not sure he could strikeout Mark Reynolds, but the Royals aren’t a 100 lose team anymore. He’s not going to be exciting, unless 15 wins with a 3.75 ERA excites you. There’s a place for that.

Every Superstar that went 3 for 25 and knocked in 1 run - They’ll get better or, at least, we have to give them a chance to get better. Call off the firing squad for now.

Ben Sheets - Maybe I didn’t say this aloud to all of youse, but the guy can easily win the Cy Young. Health is the issue. His talent is fo realz.

Justin Germano - He pitches half of his games in Petco. If you can’t see there’s NL-only value in that, I can’t help you. In mixed leagues, I’m watching him very closely. Weirder things have happened than a Padres pitcher being good in Petco.

Kason Gabbard - Not interested. I’ll let someone else grab this schmohawk.

Trevor Hoffman - He is old, but he’d have to sexually harass Bud Black’s wife to be removed as the closer.

James Shields - I told you he was a better draft choice than Kazmir. I see no reason why he can’t give you top twenty starter worth.

David Murphy - Doesn’t know how to take a walk and very light hitting. Eh, this was just a good start.

Krispie Young - He has power and speed and he’s currently batting .217. Of course he is. That’s how Krispie do.

Justin Verlander - Um, he’s not starting the year off too well. It’s still early.

Kyle Lohse - He’s 29. Don’t think he suddenly turned the corner into Worthwhile-ville. Twins don’t trade away good pitching prospects; they acquire them.

Joakim Soria - He could save 40 games.

Brandon Lyon - He may not save another game this season.

Mark Lowe - Way to run with the job, dude!

Okay, let’s hear some people you’re giddy about even if you know their pace can’t maintain, but you sure hope it does.

Martin Prado is about to become Kelly Johnson’s platoon-mate. I saw it happen to Johnson last year with Yunel grabbing at-bats and I watched Matt Diaz never get a shot against righties. This is how Bobby Cox do. Bitch and moan all you want that Johnson just has a knee injury. He’s going to sit against the majority of lefties. I can feel it coming. Even though I ranked Johnson high and liked him coming into this season, I’m glad I didn’t reach into the sixth round for him, like I saw some ‘perts do. Anyway, this is what I saw last night.

Jair Jurrjens cruised through five. Ran into some trouble and faced one too many batters. He’s looking like a decent deep league pickup. But let’s not give each other a reach around just yet, he was facing the Pirates.

Speaking of pitchers who dominated weak offenses, Oliver Perez looked like a number one. Perez looked splendiferous. (BTW, no one says or writes splendiferous — gay or straight/male or female. Is there a more useless word in the English language?)

Kendrick scored on wild pitch. How about that Twins and Angels offense? Carlos Gomez tried to bunt five times. All five went foul. Yeah, he could steal fifty. But he needs to get on base.

Was nice to see Matt Diaz hit a home run, but I’d like to see him do it against a righty. Caveat: Cox.

Corey Patterson is not going anywhere. He’s going to be a 15/35/.260 at the end of the year with 500+ at-bats.

Sticking with the Corey theme, Corey Hart stole two bases. I hope he goes for forty.

Jayson Nix hasn’t been done much to impress me thus far. He’s batting eighth and looks lost when he’s at-bat.

Andrew Miller will be good one day. Though I don’t think it’s going to be this year.

Can you guess the pitcher? 6 INN, 6 HA, 3 BBI, 3 K, 3 ER, 4.500 ERA, 1.500 WHIP — I know, you’re thinking Ian Snell pitched two days ago. It’s Gorz, and, I swear, him and Snell have the same line every start.

Hamels looked great, but…. Wait for it… Here it comes… Redding outpitched him.

Krispie Young walked three times. That’s a good sign. But the pitches weren’t close.

Mark Reynolds struckout two more times. He’s at 5 for the year. He’ll get to 200.

Brandon Lyon will be replaced sooner rather than later. Make sure you have Tony Pena.

And now for the actual opening day of the baseball season. The first full slate of games is almost in the books (minus the rainouts.) What I saw:

Verlander was dealing. He easily could’ve gotten the win, if not for…

Alex Gordon. After ranking him extremely high in my top 100, I’ll be watching closely all year.

When Miguel Cabrera hit his homer, he sprinted down the first base line hoping to get a double, which is what he would have had in South Florida. He’s accustomed to the Dolphin Stadium. He’s in for a huge season. And that’s not a waistline crack.

If Gary Sheffield stays healthy, he’s in for a terrific season batting in that lineup. His hands are still quick and he takes walks.

Tigers Announcers, Rod Allen and Mario Impemba, suck.

Nationals Announcers, Don Sutton and Bob Carpenter, are worse. They inexplicably described Pedro Feliz as one of the most underrated players in the league.

Surprisingly, Don’s kid, Darin Sutton, is one of the best announcers.

Nick Markakis has a stolen base. Here comes 30/20. Outside of The Greek God of Roto, the Orioles will be painful to watch this year and I would stay away from all Orioles starters and relievers. Sherrill won’t even be worth it.

Victor Martinez was pulled from the game with a hamstring injury. Am I worried? No, because I didn’t draft V-Mart in any league. Should you be worried if you did draft him? Yup. Someone you might want to think about…

Chris Snyder was batting fifth. He’s looking like a great pickup if he lasts in that spot.

Torre put Posada Russell Martin in the sixth hole. Guess it’s a force of habit for him to bat a catcher sixth. This could be an issue for Martin’s value.

Mark Reynolds might strikeout 200 times this year.

No reason to think Jim Thome can’t hit 35 home runs if he stays healthy.

My better logic says it’s only one day, my gut is telling me Franklin Gutierrez is in for a great year. I already said this, “…Franklin Gutiérrez is 25 and about to get the right field job on one of the best offensive AL teams. Gutiérrez could go 70/20/80/.270/20 in the ninth hole.” Between Gutierrez and Lastings Milledge, I like Gutierrez better.

Johan Santana… Oh, man.

Eric Gagne… Oh, crap.

Kerry Wood… You knew that was coming. Carlos Marmol will be closing by May and end the season with more saves than Wood.

Carlos Zambrano, I’m not too concerned he was pulled because of the forearm cramp. Big Z could find a way to throw 120 pitches with a broken hand.

On one team, I had Pujols and Wainwright. Not thrilled I lost the home run, but I am thrilled there was a home run to lose. You should be too. Though I’m having a hard time seeing the positive in losing the Wainwright start.

Ian Snell will find a way to lose more games than he wins, but he’ll keep the games close. Always gives up a home run at some point.

I’m hoping Cox moves Matt Diaz up and Mark Kotsay down in the order against righties.

Michael Young hit a home run. That projects to 162 on the season. I’d say he falls short by about 150.

Yunel Escobar looked good. Quick wrists, knocking the ball to the opposite field.

Michael Bourn stole 2 bases. Granted, Ronnie Paulino could steal against Bard, but I told you to avoid drafting steals early and grab Bourn late. He might steal 50 this season.

I hate Tom Gordon.