Fantasy Baseball Advice

Top twenty catchers, 1st basemen and 2nd basemen are in the books.  Third basemen will be here shortly.  Today, it’s the top 20 Shortstops for 2009 Fantasy Baseball’s time to shine.  Hmm… Actually, most of these won’t shine.  They’re dull with a chance of boring.  As I said in the beginning of the year, the shortstops are even shallower than the 2nd basemen.  This held true.  A good two weeks in the major leagues and you too can make the top twenty list for shortstops!  Okay, enough of the hubbub on the tomfoolery.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 shortstops for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Hanley Ramirez – I was hoping for a 35/35 season from Hanley, so I was a bit disappointed by a 24/27 season.  Obviously, not nearly as disappointed as I was in Jose Reyes.  (First bitter Jose Reyes mention.)  Preseason Rank #1, 2009 Projections:  125/37/80/.295/35, Final Numbers:  101/24/106/.342/27

2. Derek Jeter – As many of you know, I interviewed Matthew Berry in March.  He called shenanigans.  Why I bring this up now?  Because here’s why he got mad.  His words from Deadspin.com, “So, I was just surprised by some of what he said. Especially the part about me defending Jeter! I’ve had Jeter on every fantasy “hate” list I can remember… That was a low blow, saying I liked Jeter.”  Turned out, Jeter went on to be the 3rd ranked hitter in all of the AL according to the ESPN Player Rater.  Cust kayin’.  Preseason Rank #8, 2009 Projections:  110/12/70/.305/12, Final Numbers:  107/18/66/.334/30

3. Troy Tulowitzki – I predicted a comeback in the preseason when I said, “Let’s put Tulo’s 2008 season into a strait jacket and then submerge it into Houdini’s Milk Can.”  Then I predicted a comeback from his poor early season struggles.  Without a poor April and May, he’d be the top ranked shortstop.  Yeah, he was that good in 2009.  I wish I believed in all of the steals he racked up this year, but his total is about three times the most he’s ever recorded in any season of professional ball.  Still, he’s good, and can get a bit better on the power side.  Preseason Rank #7, 2009 Projections:  65/20/85/.285/5, Final Numbers:  101/32/92/.297/20

4. Jason Bartlett – I didn’t believe the high average in May and I still don’t (he hit around .230 in September).  I’m pretty sure when February Grey gets around to going through guys that will disappoint in 2010, Bartlett’s name will be there.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  90/14/66/.320/30

5. Ben Zobrist – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.  Final Numbers:  91/27/91/.297/17

6. Michael Young – In the preseason, he looked like he was headed for the Chariot of Empty Averages.  Turned out he still had some pop in his bat.  (Not pop meaning soda for those reading in Minnesota.)  Preseason Rank #10, 2009 Projections:  100/10/85/.310/10, Final Numbers:  76/22/68/.322/8

7. Jimmy Rollins – I predicted his steals would come down and they may fall a bit more next year, too.  What should stop falling is his average.  He had some bad luck this year.  Might need one on those waving porcelain cats that are in sushi restaurants.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  115/16/75/.280/40, Final Numbers:  100/21/77/.250/31

8. Miguel Tejada – Wait a second, forget Jose Reyes, where is Stephen Drew?  Tejada did pretty much what I thought he would, except for a higher average.  Expect Jim Bunning to ask Congress to withdraw Tejada’s high average because of an unrealistic BABIP.  Preseason Rank #11, 2009 Projections:  90/15/75/.285/7, Final Numbers:  83/14/86/.313/5

9. Asdrubal Cabrera – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.  Preseason Rank #19, Final Numbers:  81/6/68/.308/17

10. Yunel Escobar – Why can’t Yunel just steal 10 bases? Adam Dunn can steal 10 bases.  Ryan Howard stole 8 bases.  Shoot, McCann nearly stole as many as Yunel in 2009.  At least do it for your fantasy baseball owners.  (Isn’t it weird how some players sound better when you call them by their first name and some better by their last name?  I would never call McCann by Brian or Yunel by Escobar.  BTW II, doesn’t Yunel by Escobar sound like a douchebag clothing designer?  Ed Hardy? Pfft!  I’m wearing Yunel by Escobar.)  Preseason Rank #14, 2009 Projections:  90/13/65/.300/3, Final Numbers:  89/14/76/.299/5

11. Marco Scutaro – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post. Final Numbers:  100/12/60/.282/14

12. Orlando Cabrera – O-Cab < Taxi Cab Confessions < Cash Cab.  Yes, this top 20 is so shallow that one good month would get you on the list.  Preseason Rank #12, 2009 Projections:  90/7/65/.280/20, Final Numbers:  83/9/77/.284/13

13. Ryan Theriot – In May, I traded Theriot and Adam Dunn for Joe Reyes.  Have I mentioned how much I hate Reyes?  I’d take 20+ steals from my futility infielder over Yunel’s brand of yawnstipating stats.  Preseason Rank #16, 2009 Projections:  90/2/40/.295/25, Final Numbers:  81/7/54/.284/21

14. Erick Aybar – Really scary how unreliable some of the guys in this top 20 were for extended periods of time.  This is why I play fast and furious with my MIs.  Aybar’s hot?  Play him!  Yunel on a streak?  Play him!  Beckham?  What the hey!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  70/5/58/.312/14

15. Alexei Ramirez – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post. Preseason Rank #4, Final Numbers:  71/15/68/.277/14

16. Elvis Andrus – 30+ steals, nice.  Do I hear 40+?  Maybe next year I do.  Preseason Rank #21, 2009 Projections: 55/3/35/.250/20, Final Numbers:  72/6/40/.267/33

17. Maicer Izturis – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.  Final Numbers:  74/8/65/.300/13

18. Clint Barmes – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.  Preseason Rank #20, 2009 Projections:  75/12/55/.270/12, Final Numbers:  69/23/76/.245/12

19. Rafael Furcal – He actually came pretty close to the numbers I predicted for him if he only played one month.  Wow, what happened to this schmohawk?  Mark Reynolds stole a dozen bases more than Furcal.  To quote DeNiro in Goodfellas, what’s the world coming to?  Preseason Rank #9, 2009 Projections:  95/15/65/.285/35 or 25/6/40/.390/7, Final Numbers:  92/9/47/.269/12

20. Gordon Beckham – If he had a full season of Runs and RBIs, he would’ve been a top ten shortstop.  Note to Grey:  Write a lot about him leading up to 2010.  Follow up note, you already did.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  58/14/63/.270/7

How about them White Sox?!  Yeah, they chucked in the pale towel sometime between Ozzie Guillen’s Monday outburst and Ozzie Guillen’s Tuesday outburst of this week.  One of the pieces them grabbed that was hailed by many as being a stroke of genius was Jake Peavy.  Yeah, the Padres actually made a good trade there as Peavy struggles with an elbow injury.  Another piece, Alex Rios.  I think even Jessica Shaw would concur Rios is so fifteen minutes ago. He’s batting a cool .156 for the Sox with one homer and one steal.  Those stats are also known as Less Than What Drew Stubbs Did Any Day This Week.  You drafted Rios pretty high, I’m sure.  It didn’t work out.  Holding him is compounding your mistake. Anyway, here’s so other players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Brad Penny – For Christmas, I want a Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!  But I’ll settle for pitching in the NL.

Barry Zito – No, anyone but Zito! Has a 1.92 ERA since the ASB.  But please keep in mind his last blow out was a 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER game vs. the Padres.  So at any time, at any place he could say to you he just ran over your dog, Arfer Woofruff.

Brian Duensing/Jeff Manship – Why doesn’t Manship give his name a LaRoche-type flair?  A’la ManShip.  Much better, right?  Then DuenSing… Well, that kinda looks like an Asian prison name.  These guys may burn you like chlamydia, but if you need to take match-up chances with AL pitchers, I’d take them here.

Buster Posey – This is more about keepers.  Not girls that can tell you Carney Lansford’s career batting average.  Fantasy baseball keepers.

Wade Davis – Same as above.  Go ahead, shift your eyes up.  Too lazy?  Okay.  I’d only go after Davis in keepers.  Or, of course, AL-Only leagues.

Tim Hudson – 5 IP, 2 ER.  (<–Probable pitching line)  Act like you know, MC Lyte.

Franklin Morales – Huston Street’s MIA for a few days, giving way to Morales.

Phil Hughes – If Mariano has to miss time to prep for the playoffs, Hughes would probably get the majority of the saves.

Juan Gutierrez – SAGNOF!  I’d even grab Zavada and Vasquez in leagues where I’m really hurting for saves.

Brett Myers – I see Myers getting up to 3 saves in September, so think about how bad you need those 3 saves.

Brandon Allen – Strictly for power and in deep leagues.  He hit two homers in the last week and a third was robbed by Andre Ethier’s Mom’s son.

Casey McGehee – 3 HRs and 9 RBIs in the last four games.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t steal any bases, but if you need MI pop, there ya go.

Felix Pie – I’ve mentioned him so much in the last few days, I got Pee-ay coming out my ears.  If you haven’t heard me mention him, where ya been?  Vacay?  That’s nice.  Hope you SPF’d the proper areas.  Skin damage is only cool when you’re under 25.

Andy Marte – Loving me some Marte in some leagues.  Why, Grey?  Do tell, you *pinkie to mouth* Smarte. Sure, random italicized voice.  3 homers in the last 7 games for Marte.  Added bonus:  No relation to Damaso.

Yunel Escobar – Batting near .400 in the last week with two homers.  He goes hot to cold quickly, so grab him no or forever hold your peace.  Or piece, if you’re gangsta.

Michael Brantley – My ‘pert radar is telling me Sizemore’s not long for this season.  Brantley’s got speed.  SAGNOF!

Drew Stubbs – He should only be steals, but he’s been showing power.  The power will stop, the Ks and steals will begin.  Any day now, Annie Potts.

Rajai Davis – He’s only listed here because he’s owned in less than 30% of ESPN leagues.  Why is he owned in less than 30% of ESPN leagues?!  Seriously.  He had 15 steals in August and he’s batting near .400 in the last week.

Matt Diaz – It’s Dye-as.  Lefty killer.  Lately, slaughtering both sides.  Anyone who’s read this site for a long time knows that I’ve always liked Diaz as a platoon outfielder. (Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Kinda like I’ve been doing with David Murphy and The Big FraGu in one league.)  Really Diaz should be in your lineup vs. everyone until further notice.

SELL

Homer Bailey – Love to be the bearer of good news, but I don’t have any good news for you.  I have bad news.  Bad, unfortunate, sad news.  Bailey has three solid starts in a row, but two were against the Pirates.  If you have to take chances, I kinda understand it.  But Bailey gets the Rockies then the Cubs.  Don’t mind if I don’t.

Brian Matusz/Chris Tillman – Headed for Camp Shutdown.

Kyle Davies – Has back-to-back wins that have netted him a 2.25 ERA and 11 Ks in 12 innings.  Sounds nice, right?  One was vs. the A’s and one was against the M’s.

Adam Jones – Jones is done-zo.

Josh Willingham – Lately, he looks likes the one-tool outfielder he’s always been.

George Sherrill was traded from the Orioles to the Dodgers.  Sherrill will backup Broxton.  If you play in a league with Holds, by all means.  If you don’t, you can lose him.  Okay, that’s that.  Now for the interesting part, who closes for the Orioles?  Personally, I think it’s going to be Jim Johnson.  I said him in last week’s Buy/Sell and he’s the same name I’m saying now.  Johnson’s been owning the 8th inning setup duties for a while now, though he’s also given up runs in 3 of his last 4 appearances.  So who else could it be?  Could it be Baez?  The answer my friend is blowing in the wind… Danys Baez was a donkey-corn back in 2005 for the Rays, collecting 41 Saves and posting a 2.86 ERA.  So he’s capable, but the Orioles seem likely to give Johnson the first shot.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Webb – Suffered a setback. Backdate this news to the day after opening day.  Set him free, if it’s meant to be… Well, you know that line that your sister used to tell herself when a guy broke up with her.

Orlando Cabrera – Sounds like the Twins are going to end up with Cabrera.  This does little to his value.  Maybe a handful more Runs.  And that may be the only time you hear a handful of runs being a positive.

Alexei Ramirez – Sprained ankle and will miss a few games.  Hopefully this doesn’t turn out the same way Carloses Quentin/Beltran missed a few games.

Yunel Escobar – After being hit by a pitch, he’s day-to-day with a wrist contusion.  (I just made up the contusion part, but I sounded smart, right?  Don’t worry, I didn’t make up the day-to-day part.)

Ian Kinsler – Out two games now with a hammy problem.  You know who else had a hammy problem?  Kermit the Frog!  Oofa!  (Kinsler will be covered more in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.)

Trevor Crowe – Was called up to replace Ben Francisco.  Someone gots the hate for Matt LaPorta.  Don’t ask me, I just report it.  Does it make sense?  Nope, not a whole lot.

Roy Oswalt – Astros are optimistic that Oswalt can make his Sunday start.  Guys who ride tractors in the offseason don’t miss starts with a tweaked back.  He reminds me of Shawn Michaels.  Keep bashing his back with a metal chair, but he’s still going to drop the big ‘bow.

John Grabow – Traded to the Cubs.  Grabow can stop salivating, he’s now a LOOGY.

Jason Hammel – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER in Metco.  Hmm… He’s supposed to be good away from Coors.

Jorge de la Rosa – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Now that’s a Rockie pitcher away from home.

Clint Barmes – Hit his 14th homer yesterday.  Right now, you might be thinking to yourself.  Clint Barmes has 14 homers?  Yup, and he also has 9 steals.  Stephen Drew has 7 homers and 3 steals.  Jose Lopez has 13 homers and 2 steals.  Asdrubal 3 homers, 11 steals.  Barmes has been in a terrible funk lately, yet, on the season, he’s still been wildly more valuable than Uggla and about on par with Rollins.  Go figure.

Luke Hochevar – 6 IP, 7 ER.  Do you see what he does to you when you trust him?  Just give him a rest for this year.  I promise to remind you what a great prospect he is during next year’s preseason.

Aubrey Huff - 2-for-4, 3 RBIs.  Okay, so my Buy on him was maybe a month early, but hopefully this is the start of something.  God knows he can’t un-start any more than he has.

Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 6 ER.  Since I made him a Sell on June 26th, he has a 7.61 ERA.

Tim Stauffer – 7 IP, 1 ER.  I’d still only start him at home, but nothing comes closer to home than a terrible Reds team.

Ryan Zimmerman – Is there no in-between button on this guy?  After being ice cold for two months, he’s now on fire with 4 homers in the last seven games.

Ben Francisco – Slight value while Victorino’s nursing his knee.  Okay, guess the fantasy baseball ‘pert, “I’d like to nurse from Megan Fox’s knee! Yowsers!”  A:  Matthew Berry

Rafael Soriano – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks.  Phew.  That’s good to see.  Hopefully, he held his breath and the hiccups are behind him.

Derrek Holland – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 Ks.  Every time I try to get out of rookie pitchers, another one pulls me in.  I’m a big fan of Holland and he gets Oakland next.

Michael Young – 2 HRs and has 16 on the year while batting .326.  Great year that I didn’t see coming, but he hasn’t done this in 4 years, so no one really saw it coming.

Gavin Floyd – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 Ks vs. the Yankees.  Let me guess, home start?  He has an under 3 ERA at home.  Imagine he was a Padre.  Zoinks!

Eugenio Velez – 3-for-5, Maybe feeling the heat from the Dirty Sanchez (who did not play yesterday), but Velez is scorching hot lately.

Matt Holliday – Homered for his new team. See, it’s all working out exactly how– Oh, the Cards lost.

Matt Thornton – Got the save opportunity, but again he was brought in in the 8th inning so again Ozzie can say technically he hasn’t removed Jenks from the closer role.  The bad news (or good news depending on who you own), Thornton blew the save.  Which might also confirm Ozzie’s noncommittal commitment to Jenks.

David Ortiz – I’ve pretty much kept to myself on the whole steroids issue.  Ya know, this is fantasy baseball, who gives an effin’ eff in the screwhole what I think, but Ortiz annoyed me.  He was one of the biggest critics of A-Rod when Rodriguez admitted to having his uncle’s cousin stick needles in his butt.  Ortiz also was “shocked” and “confused” about Manny’s use.  I’m shocked and confused how anyone thought Ortiz hadn’t used steroids.  Let’s assume everyone did steroids.  Even Greg Maddux.  Who cares?  Everyone did them.  Doesn’t matter.  Move on.  But what’s annoying is the talking out of both sides of his mouth.  To bastardize Madonna, Big Papi don’t preach.  I hope Manny says something like this, “Ya’ll knew I was doing some grimy shizz, but I’m shocked and confused to hear Ortiz’s giant melonhead is artificially enhanced.  Oh, and Ortiz is 52 years old.  Cust kayin’.”

Yesterday, DeWayne Wise joined other historical footnotes, such as the guy who tried to tackle Hank Aaron as he rounded the bases on 715, Francisco Cabrera and the other 4 guys besides Crispus Attucks that were killed in the Boston Massacre, when he saved Mark Buehrle’s perfect game.  That’s the DeWayne Wise of this video.   I look forward to his next video, Stop Cheering Me!  Okay, so Buehrle is not just a difficult to spell last name.  No, sir.  He’s a perfect game pitcher, um, guy.   So what can we expect of him going forward?  After he threw the no-hitter in 2007, he went right back to being the just-below 4 ERA pitcher he was before and since.  I’d expect the same now.  This perfect game doesn’t do much for Buehrle’s value unless you can convince your leaguemates that he’s suddenly Nolan Ryan Jr.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – To the DL.  What is totally lame, besides me using the word lame, he just pinch-hit on Wednesday.  Why play him at all if he might go on the DL?  Especially when all reports are saying he could’ve played through it.  He could have been back earlier after sitting out the July 21st game too.  Very frustrating.   On the bright side, now everyone has room for Garrett Jones!  *Grey saddles up to a bar*  What’s your name?  Garrietta Jones?  Marry me!

Jordan Zimmermann – Heads to the DL with elbow tenderness.  Even when he returns, his innings will be limited.  You guys had a good run, now it’s time to look elsewhere.

Mark Rzepczynski – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks, 7 baserunners.  The RZE is really unreliable as a fantasy starter.

Alex Rios – 1-for-3, stole three bases yesterday.  I see what’s happening here.  Can’t give us fantasy value with power so you revert back to your speed.  Very sneaky.

Yunel Escobar – Hit another homer yesterday.  Doode’s out of his mind right now.  If only he didn’t have less speed than the three-hundred pound, Pablo Sandoval.

Jarrod Washburn – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners.  Who is this guy and what has he done with Jarrod Washburn?

Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 5 ER.  I didn’t start him here and I won’t start him next time out.  At some point, I’m going to have to cut bait, but there’s too much upside for me to do it yet. (I did discuss it with Rudy though, so the time is near.)

Rafael Betancourt – Traded to the Rox as the Indians decide another season is in the books.  Sleep well, Comatose Indians Fan.

Dan Haren – 5 IP, 4 ER.  Hey, it’s after the All-Star break, it’s not like you weren’t forewarned.

Justin Upton – Yesterday, he hit his first homer since July 9th.  Good to see it, but he’s still hitting .167 in July so he has a bit to go before I say he’s fully back.

Phil Hughes – Getting saves now?  Zoinks!  Mariano had pitched in 5 of 6 games since the All-Star break.  Even (fill-in your deity) rested on (fill-in your Sabbath).

Alex Rodriguez – Might be the first time in two months I’ve mentioned him.  (I don’t talk much about the top players.)  Anyhoo, he has three steals in the last three games.  Great sign that his hip is feeling well.

Steve Pearce – 2-for-4 as he played 1st base.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  He’ll be just left of the forward slash.

Ryan Doumit – Third homer in two days.  I see your Miguel Montero and I raise you a Ryan Doumit.

Kyle Blanks – Rudy Jr. hit his 2nd homer yesterday.  Rudy was so proud, he called him up to congratulate him, but Kyle said, “You see my new job’s a hassle and kids have the flu, but it’s sure nice talking to you, Dad… It’s been sure nice talking to you.”  And as Rudy hung up the phone, it occurred to him, he should go grab a beer with Cecil Fielder.

With Wakefield headed to the DL with a bad back (can’t he throw his knuckleball while sitting down?), Clay Buchholz will step into the Sawx rotation.  In 99 innings of Triple-A, Buchholz had a line of 2.36/.98 and 89 Ks.  His walks were down this year in the minors, though he did walk 3 in his only major league start this year vs. the Blue Jays.  Buchholz should be owned in all leagues, 10 team or deeper.  If he pitches well vs. the Rangers (though I wouldn’t start him in all formats), he may become even better trade bait for your team.  I doubt Buchholz stays in the rotation the rest of the year and, even if he does, he had a 6.75 ERA last year.  I’d imagine this year you’re looking at around a 4 ERA.  Your ability to sell on Buchholz may close quicker than you can incorrectly spell his last name.  In keepers, I’d hold tight.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  A bit of housekeeping before we get into today’s roundup.  Razzball’s Fantasy football leagues are forming and we’ve unveiled our Fantasy Football Team Name Generator (with some additional categories that weren’t on the Fantasy Baseball Team Name Generator).  Okay, now for the roundup…

Roy Halladay – J.P. Ricciardi says the ace must be traded by July 28th or he won’t be moved.  As for why July 29th-31st wouldn’t work, Ricciardi cited airings of Top Chef Masters, then reruns of CSI: Miami and Bones.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu went FUBAR into the center field wall.  The Mariners are saying he’s day-to-day.  I have to assume he’s a-day-or-two-or-three-days.  The newspaper reporting this, The News Tribune, said when you saw the photo of The Big FraGu on the ground “you had to be absolutely freaking out.” Direct quote.  Hey, I’m no newspaper writer, but when did “absolutely freaking out” become AP style?  I blame Woodward and Bernstein.  That’s right, the guy who wrote “gloryholz” in his title is calling someone out for “absolutely freaking out.”  Deal with it!

Wladimir Balentien – HR yesterday filling in for the InJured FraGu.  If Balentien gets some time, then he’s worth a look in AL-Only leagues or leagues that require you to have one player with the name Wladimir.

Jack Hannahan – 2 HRs.  He’s doing much better since he was demoted from the job of Nats closer.

Rick Porcello – 5 IP, 5 ER.  I know you ordered raw, but he’s done.  Also, Leyland’s saying he’s going to pull the plug on him to keep his innings down.

Braden Looper – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 K.  Good for Looper, but I feel bad for the guy who lugged all those cardboard Ks to the game.

John Lannan – Shutout vs. Guess who.  Hint the Padres were facing the Marlins.  Still nothing?  C’mon, the Metropolitans!

Oliver Perez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 BBs.  Perez is a pitching dynamo.  (Dynamo, as defined by Merriam-Webster’s, is a generator, especially one for producing direct current.  A dynamo is also rarely useful in modern days.)

Miguel Montero – HR yesterday as he bats .583 in the last 7 games and .380 in July.  He might be Pipp’ing Snyder.

Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 5 ER vs. the peasant Royals.  Belch.

Erick Aybar – 7-for-9 in the doubleheader.  Hitting .469 so far in July.  Johnny Olson, let’s see what’s behind schmohawk MI door number three… It’s Erick Aybar!  I picked him up in a 12 team league.  I suggest you do too.

Everth Cabrera – Speaking of MI schmohawks.  Steals aren’t worth this much to me.  I dropped him for the aforementioned Aybar.

Max Scherzer – 4 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks.  Wait, I know that line!  It’s Clayton Kershaw, right?  Wow, great impersonation, Scherzer.

Brian McCann – Hit his 10th homer yesterday.  Has a 33/10/46/.305/3 line on the year.  Member when you wanted to get rid of him because he was getting his eyes checked for two weeks?  Yeah, you.  Couldn’t be?  Then who?

Yunel Escobar – 2-for-4, 1 RBI.  He’s as hot as Erick Aybar (<–actually a compliment).

Sergio Mitre – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  If he gives that line every time out and gets the Win for the Yanks, they’ll be more than happy.  You should not be.

Joe Blanton – 7 IP, 1 ER.  If you told me in March, I’d not only own Blanton, but I’d be starting him at home and be happy about it, I would’ve called you a liar.  *phone rings*  Hello?  Yes, this is Grey… Who?  This is the Time Traveler’s Wife?  You told me in March I’d own Blanton?  Liar!

Jayson Werth – Hit his 21st home run yesterday to win the game in the… blah blah blah… You don’t care who wins, do you?  Werth’s on his way to a monster season.  As George Lucas tells his ILM peeps, put the emphasis on the monster.

Jimmy Rollins – HR yesterday, batting .375 in July.  I’m not going to tell you how many times I told you in June to buy Rollins.

Brett Cecil – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 Ks.  Honestly, he should be owned and talked about more, but there’s only so many letters I can type per day.  (About 12,700 +/- 20)  Cecil has solid stuff and the Ks aren’t a fluke.  He gets the Rays next (pass!), but he should get the A’s and the O’s after that, assuming everything stays quid pro bono unum.  He’s a decent spot start for those two. (Hey, sometimes to get the good starts, you gotta look ahead.)

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-3, 0 Runs and 0 RBIs.  T-Minus one day until I drop him.  Better hide under your desk.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER. Daily Roundup Mad-Libs, And the  ________ rolls on.

Mark DeRosa – Hit his first and second homers as a Card.  The trade is finally paying off!  Wait, the Cards lost.

Homer Bailey – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  If there’s such a thing as a minor league fantasy baseball league that counts only minor league stats, I’d hold Bailey.  Everywhere else, belch.

Manny Ramirez – Left after being hit by a Homer Bailey pitch.  Good to see Bailey not happy with just pissing off his owners.  Manny is said to be day-to-day.

Andrew Bailey – Given up runs in his last two appearances and he’s suffering from a sore knee.  Save vultures activate… In the form of Michael Wuertz.

Jonny Gomes – HR yesterday, cause that’s what he do.

Bobby Jenks – 1 IP, 2 ER and now has given up earned runs in four of his last five outings.  I’d own Linebrink if you have room.  Something might be jenky with Bobby.

John Danks – Will miss a start with a blister issue.  He pointedly said it was a blister, not a cold sore.