Not a bad week for your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru as we cashed in on 15 of 20 contests we entered increasing our bankroll and getting us one step closer to a winter of umbrella drinks in Cancun (or at least a couple weeks in Tijuana). Want to join me poolside? Join the DraftKings Sweet Spot challenge and you could go on a permanent vacation. Their pool is filled with $400,000. If you’re new to the game, keep in mind DraftKings virgins get a free $2 ticket. If I win that thing I’m buying a small island off the coast of Ecuador and a new liver.

If you’re veteran to DFS leagues go ahead and skip to my lineup now as I give our new friends the Guru’s top 5 tips for winning cash with DraftKings.

When it comes to winning real money there are a few things to keep in mind: 1) Pitching leads the way and strikeouts are king. The Stream-o-Nator nails this on an almost daily basis. 2) Build stacks against the worst pitchers. 3) Check the Vegas odds on what games are predicted to have high scores. Vegas knows what they are doing, why not use them. 4) Know the overlay. DraftKings has guaranteed payouts (another reason they are the king) and when a tournament doesn’t fill, the money is still guaranteed. 5) Know the weather situation, know who’s in and who’s out of the starting lineups. Don’t be left with a giant zero because Joey Votto got a day off or it rained frogs in Cleveland. (Shameless plug: Follow me on Twitter @TheGuruGS as I tweet that kind of stuff daily plus yoga pants pics.)

Alrighty my Razzballers, here’s your dirty turbaned Guru’s lineup for Wednesday’s 4/16 contests on DraftKings for 2014 Fantasy Baseball.

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Ryan Zimmerman should just join a kickball league. His upper stuff doesn’t work right. He’s got a bad case of waist-up-is-not-up-to-snuff-is. He should tent his entire body, because he’s got an infestation of the bad health termites. They lay dormant, living off of bacteria that is produced naturally by your secretions. Then one day you wake up and you dive into the 2nd base bag and break your thumb. The preceding was taken directly from WebMD, I can’t vouch for its accuracy. It’s a thumbpocalypse! So, Zimmerman’s gonna be out for six weeks with a broken thumb. I’d point out that I told you on Friday to sell him, but that’s in poor taste. As would simply pointing and laughing at you. Mostly due to the fact, I don’t know where you are, you don’t return my phone calls! So, put Zimmerman on your DL, and let’s pray his shoulder gets miraculously better in the mean’s while. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

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You’re about to get busted. Do you go harder, become more brazen, with the illegal activity or attempt to clean up your act quickly so you don’t get punished more severely? I don’t know. This is where fantasy baseball meets a PBS Frontline special. I think different people react in different ways. Not to get all philosophical on you like your college philosophy prof who would invite you over for lavash and hummus and marijuana, then try to feel up your girlfriend, but last year’s Ryan Braun — 9 homers in 61 games — could be exactly what he is off of PEDs. There’s no way of knowing when he was or wasn’t using. If he knew he was about to get suspended last year, he might’ve laid off of everything and been totally clean for that decent but not spectacular partial season, even while he battled a thumb issue. The same thumb issue that has resurfaced this year. I should’ve been more aggressive in the preseason about pointing that Braun wasn’t healthy last year. The kind of unhealthy that has lingered into this year. He admitted the other day that he was unable to take a normal swing due to battling a nerve issue. Or if you’re reading in your best Curly voice, a noive issue. That’s hella bad with hella having a hashtag that says 2004. I wouldn’t sell him for fifty cents on the dollar, but I’d be interested to see if someone would give me 85 or 90 cents on the dollar. Or if someone would give me the Euro exchange rate. Why are they still making pennies?! Tell me Yahoo! Answers! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

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So far I’ve spent my opening paragraph telling you who to pick up and roll with. It’s been a mixed bag to say the least and by that I mean rose petals with kitty litter clumpings in with it. King Felix did fine on Monday. Thankfully none of you had to experience the Klub upside the head on Tuesday. And right now it’s only the second inning on Tyson Ross and it’s not exactly going great…but hey listen to me I know what I’m talking about! So my lead in isn’t to warn you off of starting Phil Hughes today. That’s a gimme and as much as I need a cheap win, I’m not taking it. Nah, I’m taking this moment to tell you to load up on power hitters in Chi-Town. Though I’ll like Hughes in his home starts here and there in the future, I’m telling you to get some Chicago bop into your lineup as Hughes had a 46.5 FB% last year. If he had pitched all year, that would’ve been second best. Or is that second worst? Yeah, second worst. Don’t believe me? Even the Hitter-Tron is telling ya to buy in as Jose Abreu is the top spot on his dirty little list and is an easy pickup at $3,800. And Adam Dunn is 4th if you wanna get a little cheaper at $3,700. Sadly, you can’t get both into your lineup. No DH Draftkings? What is this, the senior circuit of Daily Fantasy Sports? And just for fun, I decided to peek in and see what the $3,700 priced Hughes looked like on the Stream-O-Nator…yup, he sucks. A ChiSox stack is definitely in play. Ok, now that we’ve established all that, let’s move on…to another link! Don’t forget about our Razzball Draftkings Contest this Friday. Go reserve a spot. It’s a VIP thing (not really). And there will be free drinks in the lobby (it’s really BYOB). Ok now on with the show. Here’s our picks for 4/3/2014 contests for Draftkings 2014 Fantasy Baseball…

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So, we’re running on fumes over here at RCL Update Central. We’ve talked about the RazzBALLiest and Razz, um, ball-ee-least?? selections. At least I think that’s what it was about. Who knows with such things. Then, naturally, we moved to what Clint Eastwood thought of your drafts. Thankfully there were no leagues named ‘Empty Chair’. And now that the season has officially started (at least down under), (that’s what she said btw…), I’m here to cap things off with something I would call comfort food for the mind. And that’s a Star Trek themed post. But that’s not all you get in this post. SAY WHAT? We have J-FOH in a supporting role to bring some Star Wars into this. Because a post like this could always use more sci-fi pew pew. And of course he would be the one to have undying love for a franchise that’s about to blugdeon us to death for at least ten more years. All so George Lucas’ chin can eat more cats.

Regardless, I’m not quite sure how this is going to work, and I’m not quite sure what’s going to happen, but if the picture above and the empty Markers Mark bottle to my left is any indication, it’s that I need fried food immediately. Also, you should probably set your phasers onto the highest stun setting. Because when we look at my randomly selected RCL drafts, you will get stunned. See what I did there? No, I’m seriously asking if you can see what I typed… everything is so freaking blurry…

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First off, I would like to say Eric Sogard should be the Face of the MLB; that vote was rigged in David Wright’s favor.  Baseball needs more nerdy-looking, glasses-touting, Bernie-leanin’, jive-walking players.  But without further ado, here is the AL West Spring Training Showdown. (You can check out the AL Central Spring Training Preview here and NL East Spring Training Preview here.)

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Welcome to the second annual Razzball Keepers Top-100 list-a-roo. I capped it AND italicized it, because it’s just that special. (The 2013 Top-100 can be found here.)

Spoiler Alert! We’re doing things keeper league style, dynasty style… which ever nomenclature you prefer. Basically, if you hold onto players for more than a year, these are the rankings you’ve been waiting your whole life for. Whole life man. Seriously.

Remember, the process for this list is quite unique. Unlike Grey, I didn’t type half of it with my mustache. Also, this isn’t your list. It’s my list. So, yeah, I’ll love guys a lot more than you will. I’ll also love your mom. Or vica versa. It’s just the way it is. If you stuck me in a keeper this very instant, this is pretty much the list, in order, of who I’d personally want long term. Things like previous production, expected 2014 production, projections for 2015-2017,  future potential, positional-scarcity, and injury-risk are all things I bake into the rankings. Regardless, the big takeaway here is that I believe in the Oxford comma. And I guess a lot of comma’s in general. And short sentences. And baking. And female nudity. Word.

Note: I’ve only ranked players who have pitched at least one inning or had one at-bat in their MLB career, sans Masahiro Tanaka and Jose Abreu. Our prospect maven, Scott Evans, has the low down on all those MiLB guys I left out. Go check out his 2014 rankings (Top-25, Top-50), he won’t bite… I think.) 

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With the 2014 fantasy baseball rankings for every position done, we turn our lazy eye towards the top 100 for 2014 fantasy baseball. These 2014 fantasy baseball rankings are one part fresh and two parts to def. They own a cat, a dog and a lizard in a two bedroom apartment where pets aren’t allowed. Know why? Cause they don’t care! None of this top 100 for 2014 fantasy baseball is meant to surprise. *jumping out of a closet* Boo! Now, that was meant to surprise. This top 100 is just taking my positional rankings and putting guys in The Big Picture. You really should read each ranking post because the blurbs in this top 100 are on the skimpy side because there’s so many of them, and I went over each one of these guys already. Obviously at a hundred players, some guys just didn’t make it. About 300, to be inexact. It’s okay; there will be a top 400 tomorrow. Shortly, Sloth, you’ll have your Baby Ruth. Not to get all biblical on you, but this is the gospel. Print it out and take it to Mt. Sinai and it will say, “Win your 2014 fantasy baseball league, young prematurely balding man.” Projections were done by me and a crack team of 100 monkeys fighting amongst themselves because there were only 99 typewriters. Somebody please buy Ling-Ling his own typewriter! To help with your drafting, there’s also a list of players with multiple position eligibility. Anyway, here’s the top 100 for 2014 fantasy baseball:

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Today, we go over the top 40 outfielders for 2014 fantasy baseball. Yesterday, we went over the top 20 outfielders for 2014 fantasy baseball. It will be a date which will live in…Well, it won’t live in infamy, so what’s the opposite of that? Famy? It will live in unfamy? That’s just ridiculous. What are you, the 7-Up guy? By the time you get to these outfielders, I’m sure you’ve drafted at least one outfielder. If you haven’t, wake from your slumber, Rip Van Schmucko, your draft is slipping away from you. There’s a lot of interesting names in this top 40. Jason Heyward is one interesting name. It was even more interesting when it was Jason “Future Superstar” Heyward. All of the 2014 fantasy baseball rankings are there. If you right click that and open it in a new tab, your car will get a free oil change (it won’t). Without further delay (there really wasn’t much delay, I mean, that was a short intro compared to most)… Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2014 fantasy baseball:

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With the top 40 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball, we’ve finished all the hitter recaps. We meaning me, but I’ll include you. No, that’s not a cue to try to hold my hand. Why are you now patting my butt? The pitching recap will begin next. To recap, the end of the season rankings are based on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. I felt the easiest way to keep it objective would to go this course. This way when I say someone finished 30th and I ranked them 23rd in the preseason it carries more weight. Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

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