Fantasy Baseball Advice

If you search for fantasy baseball, the first result is Yahoo Fantasy Baseball.  (We’re first for fantasy baseball blog.  Natch!  Or natchurally, if you’re long-winded.)  But this isn’t about Yahoo fantasy baseball.  (Is Yahoo always with an exclamation mark?  Yahoo has a volume problem, huh?)  When people find us, they are not searching for Yahoo fantasy baseball, but what are they searching for when they find us?  Since it’s a holiday, I decided to break away from the normal schedule of 2012 fantasy baseball rookies and look at exactly what people do search for when they find us.  Last year, we had our biggest year.  Over 7 million people found us.  (I think about 6.9 million found us with the search query “What is SAGNOF?”  Neverthehoo…)  That’s a big Happy Thanksgiving to you from all of us here at Razzball.  Now here are 20 actual searches for people who found Razzball and my answers to their searches:

1. Is Jaymes Nix a drunk? — Nope, he just likes to celebrate Laynce and Jayson’s accomplishments with alcohol, hookers and making the Y sign from the YMCA dance.
2. Where can I get a funny fantasy baseball team name? — Your brain?  Or you can try our fantasy baseball team name generator or just go with an obscure, overweight player “Ate My Baby.”  For instance, Rich Garces Ate My Baby.
3. Hot Bat Injection of Bonnie Franklin for a Rubby — I’m gonna assume this person was a big fan of One Day at a Time and Rubby de la Rosa and just move on.
4. Sick Schnauzer might just be gas? — It’s possible, or maybe your significant other is simply blaming your dog.
5. Did Tommy Lee Jones get 160 on the SATs? — Pfft!  He has pockmarks that scored higher.
6. Zodiac Killer’s third nipple — No answer here, but if you’ve stumbled onto evidence that will crack this long-unsolved case, please notify the authorities.
7. Fantasy Baseball on Twitter? — I answer questions in the comments here and don’t do much on our Twitter feed except link to the site, but you can try Eric Karabell’s Twitter feed.
8. Wally Backman really Gordon Shumway? — No, Mookie Wilson is Gordon Shumway; Backman is Willie Tanner.
9. What reality show was Grey Albright on? — I’m not saying, but you can try to piece together clues from my (e)book, Who Is Grey Albright?
10. Watch me eat a lemon and a lime and piss Sprite! — Sounds like we had a Mythbuster reading Razzball!
11. Need to get naughty bits clean of Sriracha — Try soap and ice water.  Also, there’s a reason why the Sriracha bottle has a rooster, not a cock.
12. Razzball’s tag line? — Razzball:  Something to read between masturbation sessions.
13. Rumored Suitors is a great album title for? — Jodeci.
14. You got Rick Schroder rolled! — You just did again.
15. How do you pronounce Furbush? — It’s German.  Correct pronunciation is Führerhairkraut.
16. When does Charlie Morton make his salt? — Between seasons.
17. What does Cliff Lee’s gym bag look like? — This.
18. What happens to extra money left at a fantasy draft? — It goes to starving children in the Sudan.
19. What the hell is Garrett Atkins up to nowadays? — He’s darning sweaters.
20. How does Grey keep his mustache so full? — That I can’t share with you.  Now go spend time with your family!  Happy Thanksgiving!

If you search for fantasy baseball, the first result is Yahoo Fantasy Baseball.  (We’re first for fantasy baseball blog.  Natch!  Or natchurally, if you’re long-winded.)  But this isn’t about Yahoo fantasy baseball.  (Is Yahoo always with an exclamation mark?  Yahoo has a volume problem, huh?)  When people find us, they are not searching for Yahoo fantasy baseball, but what are they searching for when they find us?  Since it’s a holiday, I decided to break away from the normal schedule of 2011 fantasy baseball rookies and look at exactly what people do search for when they find us.  Last year, we had our biggest year.  Over 5 million people found us.  (I think about 4.9 million found us with the search query “What is SAGNOF?”  Neverthehoo…)  That’s a big Thanksgiving to you from all of us here at Razzball.  Now here are 20 actual searches for people who found Razzball and my answers to their searches:

1. Pro baseball’s biggest bust? — Billy Butler at a double D.
2. Troy Tulowitzki Polish? — If a name ends in a vowel, it’s Italian unless it ends in a zki.  Or ski.  Or Lee.
3. Advanced Quantum Fantasy Baseball Theory? — A complicated way to play fantasy baseball and get even fewer girls.
4. I need a funny fantasy baseball team name — Try our fantasy baseball team name generator or just go with an obscure, overweight player “Ate My Baby.”  For instance, Rich Garces Ate My Baby.
5. Fantasy Baseball on Twitter? — I answer questions in the comments here and don’t do much on our Twitter feed other than link to the site, but you can try Eric Karabell’s Twitter feed.
6. Ron Howard looks like a baseball — I can’t argue that.
7. You got Rick Schroder rolled! — You just did again.
8. Jose Bautista leads the league in what? –  Homers and under the lip Hitler staches.
9. Mackey Sasser works as a Benihana chef? — Yes, and he missed his hat three times in a row with a shrimp tail.
10. Joaquin Benoit girlfriend — Lisa Loeb
11. Halladay Cole Oswalt — Not the kid from The Sixth Sense, but does see dead hitters.
12. Into the two hole vs. Fister — Um… Well…  Moving on…
13. Was Priscilla Barmes in Short Circuit? — Nope.
14. Eric Stultz for my fantasy team — Who searched for this, Jennifer Jason Leigh?
15. Anime is understood by? — The stoned or schizophrenic.
16. Who’s Matthew I’m-Kinda-Gay? — Matthew McConaughey.
17. What major operation did Trevor Hoffman have when he was six weeks old? — He had a Siamese twin brother removed who is now the saves leader in  — where else? — Siam.
18. How do you pronounce Pedroia? — I’ll let Poppa Pedroia answer.  Poppa Pedroia, “My boy’s-a-four-feet-three.  I just want to raise him to run pizzeria, but he gets wild ideas!  And why am I talking like I’m Italian?  We’re Portuguese!”  Well, that wasn’t that helpful.  Sorry.
19. If you can’t lie to yourself, who can you lie to? — Your probation officer.
20. How does Grey keep his mustache so full? — That I can’t share with you.  Now go spend time with your family!  Happy Thanksgiving!

That is the number one searched phrase for fantasy baseball — Fantasy Baseball Yahoo. Personally, I think ESPN fantasy baseball is better. (Obviously, I think our fantasy baseball advice is better than Yahoo’s and ESPN’s.) Anyway, the fantasy baseballers (<–my Mom’s phrase) who are searching for “fantasy baseball Yahoo” don’t find Razzball. Or, you could say, they’re not looking for it. But why even mention this search for Yahoo fantasy baseball? This doesn’t really matter to you, John Q. Razzball-Reader. No, it doesn’t. But it did get me thinking about what the readers of Razzball are thinking when they do find us. So here are 20 searches for people who find Razzball (fantasy baseball Yahoo is not one of them) and my answers to their searches:

1. Is Ben Zobrist Jewish? — Why, because his last name ends in brist? It’s a bris, people.
2. When was Randy Johnson elected to the Hall of Fame? — 2015, future boy.
3. Adrian Beltre wearing water wings and aviator goggles — If anyone has a picture of this, send it in.
4. Brian Roberts, Europe — Just east of Frankfurt.
5. Robocop is a what? Need one word — Movie.
6. How many kids does Carl Crawford have? — 17.
7. Do you call September? — If it leaves its number.
8. 2008 baseball stats spreadsheet — Our fantasy baseball player rater.
9. Sweater thong in The Bootheel — Sexy.
10. Christopher Walken thinks The Last Emperor is romantic? — Of course!
11. Best one year relief season — Lou covered the Best Closers Ever.
12. Funky Cold Mussina — To the other side of the cantina.
13. Razzball is best site, what’s number two? — Lolcats
14. Pete Rose haircut — Bowl. Then there’s Pete Rose naked.
15. Razzball + Tina Turner — She’s like 75 and she still has 3rd base eligibility, if you catch my drift.
16. Why is Yankee Stadium closing? — Cause Shea’s closing.  One-upped!
17. Jose Valverde entrance song — The Macarena.
18. Ron Howard baseball player — Nope, but he does wear a baseball cap. A lot.
19. Enjoy a ton of Prince Fielder backside — Thank you, I’ll try.
20. What has more tryptophan, turkey or Razzball? — Razzball! And while you’re still awake, we want to wish you a great one — Happy Thanksgiving!

Yahoo’s Fantasy Baseball platform allows you to swap guys around your roster as long as their game hasn’t started.

Teams submit lineups about an hour before games start.

If a hitter is in the starting lineup, Yahoo puts a ‘^’ next to his name. If he’s riding the pine, there is an ‘x’ next to his name.

So if you have hitters on your bench, log in about 45 minutes before the first games are set to begin to see if any of your starting lineup is getting the day off.

Beats getting goose eggs for one hitter while a bench player is putting up stats.