Fantasy Baseball Advice

Ozzie said that Sergio Santos would be the closer vs. righties.  That means Santos is just the closer closer.  Or as close to it as we’re gonna get.  I don’t know how much I believe this.  Just the other day Ozzie said the White Sox had the best bullpen in the American League.  And he didn’t add “in opposite world,” at the end of the sentence.  I think Sale and Thornton are still in the mix, but it’s old school to go righty vs. righty and maybe Ozzie just wants to kick a little something for the old G’s.  If Sergio Santos can save games for the next week as well as he designs jeans, he could run with the job.  It’s worth the flyer, ya’ll!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Philip Humber – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Was a terrific start.  Also, he had a 4.42 ERA coming into the game and his stuff would have him in middle relief if Peavy were healthy.

Albert Pujols – Didn’t need anything for his hamstring strain and could be ready to go on Tuesday.  Or as that day will forever be called in St. Louis, Thanktheeffinlordday.

Logan Morrison – Had his cast removed and should be able to return when his DL stint ends.  Logan will be putting his cast on eBay.  I hope it fetches more than my VHS copy of Midnight Madness, that awesome 80′s Michael J. Fox movie where they go on a scavenger hunt.  Can’t believe someone stole that from me for $1.99.  It’s a rarity!

Chris Coghlan – 3-for-4, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers yesterday, now has 3 homers in the last four games.  Hopefully he doesn’t smash a whipped cream pie into his own face.

Brian Sanches – Got his 3rd vulture win yesterday.  Mujica has 2 wins.  Mike Dunn has a vulture win.  Know how many the Razzball-owned Clay Hensley has?  Rhymes with “Why doesn’t he have one?” and it’s spelled none.

Brandon Wood – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs as he started in place of Pedro Alvarez vs. a lefty.  That’s a good move to cause me to claw my eyes out.  Thanks, Pittsburgh!

Chris Narveson – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Ouch.  Wait, what?  Oh.  Ouch!

Colby Lewis – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, now has an ERA of 6.95.  To preemptively answer the inevitable Lewis comment, I don’t know what you should do because I wouldn’t have drafted him.

Jose Bautista – Has he got his 50th homer again yet?  Stupid Bautista making me look stupid.

Matt Garza – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks and 4 unearned runs for the always ulcer-inducing ticker shock.

Kosuke Fukudome – 5-for-5, hitting .478 on the year.  He’s always been an April hitter.  That gives you four more days before the clock strikes crap.

Darwin Barney – Hit his first homer as his owners sang, “I love you, you love me.”

Kendrys Morales – Not getting “full explosion” with his runs.  Sounds like he should eat more Mexican food.

Ryan Zimmerman – Given the okay to resume some baseball activities.  Like spitting and scratching himself.

Willie Bloomquist – Sent to the 15-day DL with a strained hamstring.  Chief Justice Ryan Roberts must’ve Gillooly’d him with a gavel.

Brad Emaus – To the Rockies.  Yeah, just what they need, another second baseman.

Jay Bruce – Bruuuuuuce!

Ian Kennedy – After that blip on the radar two weeks ago, it looks like the Kennedy administration is back to kissing babies and glad-handing.

A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Someone asked in the comments yesterday what it would take for me to trust Burnett.  He had a 1.46 WHIP and 4.37 ERA going into last night’s game.  Last April, he had a 2.43 ERA and ended the year with a 5.26.  This is someone I have to trust?

Brett Gardner – 0-for-2, hitting .136 on the year.  Yahoo’s Pianowski traded me Gardner yesterday for The Lisper’s Nightmare.  I figure Gardner has to come around…Okay, he doesn’t have to, but should and trading for him with Seth Smith, a fantasy fifth outfielder, seems like a decent gamble.  Now tell me what a moron I am.

Phil Hughes – Had a setback in his rehab.  Hughes and his right arm had a moment as the following song played in the background, “I f**ked you once, I f**ked you twice.  I won’t let a 92 MPH heater go at any price.”

Jerry Sands – 3-for-4 with his 2nd steal for his first game in one our team’s lineups.  Hey, we popped our Jerry!

Jonathan Broxton – Blew his first save.  Huh?!  He only has one blown save?  That’s crazy talk.  He hasn’t pitched well in seven months.  And this blown save was due to an error.  If Kuo is on waivers, I’d grab him; he should be back by the end of the week.

Juan Uribe – Missed the entire weekend and out on Monday too.  On a completely unrelated note, how does someone who is bedridden because they are so fat keep eating?  Stop bringing them food!

Don Mattingly – A recent winning streak had Donnie Baseball refusing to shave his goatee.  Andre Ethier had also paused his Brazilian waxing routine.

Elijah Dukes – Arrested for driving with a suspended license.  Elijah said, “I had to get to the Katz’s house before the end of seder!”

Some rejected titles for this post were, “Adam’s Appendix Is Dunn,” “Dunn’s Appendix Chooses Worst Of Three Outcomes,” and “Dunn Develops Killer App.”  First Holliday, now Adam Dunn with a busted appendix.  I heard if the doctor gets cold during the surgery, he’s going to snuggle inside Dunn like Luke did with his tauntaun.  Big Donkey only needs 5 days to heal because he already had an axe scar in that area they could re-use.  The turnaround time is so quick now on these surgeries that you have to wonder why it took the Twins so many years to remove their appendix (Nick Punto).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Quentin – 4-for-6, 3 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer.  He’s now hitting .500 on the year.  If he can stay healthy, he can have a huge year.  Though that if is the size of Dunn’s appendix.

Juan Pierre – 3-for-6 and his 2nd steal as he was asked to fill-in Dunn’s shoes at DH.  Lucky he didn’t have to wear his pants.

Michael Bourn – Left with tightness in his groin.  Is he now dating Rihanna?

Ubaldo Jimenez – Looks like the pickle juice or whatever medieval cure he was prescribed didn’t work and Ubaldo is headed to the DL until the 17th.  Since he only has a cut on his cuticle, he should be back when scheduled.  If you felt he should’ve been the lead of this post, “Ubaldo’s Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” is your title.  Maybe instead of pickle juice, he should’ve visited a *pinkie to mouth*  manicurist.

Chad Billingsley – 3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has a 7+ ERA in Colorado over his career.  If you ever see Bills talking to your girl at a bar, order him a Coors and watch him fall apart.

Andrew Cashner – As reported here first after reading it somewhere else, Cashner is going to the DL with a rotator cuff strain.  Tough break strain since he looked good on Tuesday and I was ready to get on board.

Randy Wells – To the DL with a forearm strain.  That’s not good.  Guessing he’ll be out for all of April.  All these injuries made me think of the Cage The Elephant‘s Shake Me Down, “Not a lot of people left around…”  Mmm-mmm… That’s me humming the words I don’t know.  I love that song.

Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  This is also the third time he’s shown up in five roundups.  If you’re gonna own him, right now is the time.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  It took me a few years to fully trust Dempster after he moved to starting.  Now that I trust him, he’s going to employ his parachute as he watches me crash to the ground.

Brad Lidge – Charlie Manuel said Lidge should be back around the All-Star break.  His exact words were, “Lidge an ornery spitfire who wants to go piking by July.  Now where in my overalls did I put that straw I like to chew on.”

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Word is the Sawx are giving Salty until June to hit.  They’re obviously more patient than me, I’m giving him until next week.

Willie Bloomquist – 2-for-5 and his 5th steal.  Emilio Bonifacio called, he wants his crazy fast April start back.  Potatoes to chips, if Bloomquist was doing this in the middle of the season, you wouldn’t even know about it, unless you were Willie Bloomquist Jr. and your dad forced you to watch all his at-bats.

Stephen Drew – Plans to return to the starting lineup on Friday.  My anticipation level for Drew’s return is above my next visit to the dentist but way below when Dustin reveals on The Real World to his roomie/girlfriend that he used to do gay porn.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-3 when he had to be lifted because of dizziness.  He was waving air into his face and jumping up down and I thought Travis Snider farted in his direction, but I think it happened on Yunel’s headfirst slide.  Not sure, I’m not a doctor.

Austin Jackson – 0-for-5.  I’ve been saying he’s not that good since last year and it looks like he’s finally coming around to my way of thinking.

Ryan Raburn – 1-for-2 as he snuck onto the field in Boesch’s jersey.  Geez, what did Raburn do?  Complain about Leyland smoking in the dugout?

Alex Avila – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with the very rare slam & legs from a catcher.  Despite having such a good night, Miguel Cabrera is hesitant to hang out with Alex Avila because of his initials.

Armando Galarraga – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Eh, I’d give him a stiff-Armando off my team.

Joakim Soria – 1 IP, 4 ER.  In the offseason, he abandoned his nickname, The Mexicutioner.  He didn’t mention he was adopting the nickname, The Mexican’t.

Jeff Francis – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’d wait to see 30 more starts from him before picking him up.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-5, 1 RBI including his 5th double.  Yes, you should pick him up.

Carl Crawford – 2 Hits, 2 steals and 2 for flinching when Francona threatened to bat him 7th again.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  If you’re new to the site, I don’t think Dice-BB should be owned in any league that, ya know, wanna win.

Kevin Correia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now is 2-0 with a 1.38 ERA on the year.  Of course, he’s pitched better than most of the pitchers on my fantasy teams.   Why do you hurt me so much small sample sizes?  That’s what she said!  (Not really.)

Neil Walker – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer.  Then there’s the other side of the small sample size coin.  You wanna believe so bad early hitting stars will hit .400 and homers every other day, but you know it won’t last.  Or at least you should know, unless you suffer from delusional fantasies.

Alberto Callaspo – 2-for-4, 2nd homer and hitting .450 on the year.  I’m the first to think he’s Callaspoo, but he’s hitting, so, yeah, grab him for your MI spot.

Mark Trumbo – 3-for-4, hitting .286 so far.  He’s played in 5 of 6 games, but hasn’t hit for power yet.  But II, The Return of But, he could start hitting for power.

Erick Aybar – Strained oblique.  In your face, intercostal!

Tim Stauffer – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Hodgepadre:  Start in Petco, don’t get them wet and don’t, under any circumstances, feed them after midnight.  So who feed Stauffer after midnight?

Nick Hundley – 1-for-3, HR.  Not sure how much you need a catcher, but Hundley’s the Padres best hitter right now.  I know how sad that sounds.

Ryan Howard – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer.  He’s now batting .524.  Yeah, he looks done.  Glad some ‘perts were ranking him in the 4th round.

Jose Contreras – Got his first save and received a 35% off discount at the movies.

Mike Pelfrey – 2 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K as he couldn’t keep the bats off the Pelfrey.  I wouldn’t own Pelfrey with your team.

Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks.  He made the Padres hitters look even worse than they normally do!

Brian Wilson – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Returned and looked like he shouldn’t have.  Hopefully it’s just him brushing the cobwebs off the gimp outfit.

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks and the conshellation prize.  Frequent commenter, Eddy, brought up an interesting stat, Volquez’s first inning ERA is 31.50, the rest of the way (8 IP) 2.25 ERA.

Ian Desmond – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs as he may have just cemented himself back in the leadoff spot.  This is why you don’t overrate 5 games of play.  Or a week.  Or a month.

John Buck – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a triple.  I’m guessing here but I feel like Buck gets more triples than any other catcher.  That Buck is a hustler!

Mike Minor – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Getting roofied by Minor and I feel like how Jeffrey Jones looks.  Oh, well.  He was probably only up for one start.  I’d lose him for now.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I try and stay away from AL rookie pitchers, but let’s remember some stuff I said in the preseason… You know, six days ago.  I said Hellickson would win the ROY and I dropped this Hellickson fantasy on ya.

Manny Ramirez – Maddon sat Manny because he was pressing.  Surprised no clouds formed when Manny’s warm air pockets of pressing met with his cool air pockets of indifference.

Jordan Walden is replacing Fernando Rodney as the closer for the Angels.  The Angels decided to drop a guy with two first names for a guy with two last names.  Makes sense – you start a game with a guy with two first names, you close a game with a guy with two last names.  (No bullpen backup plan for you, Jeff Francis!)  (Oh, and don’t forget Charles (Jeff) Nelson Reilly in middle relief.)  Walden should be owned in every league that counts things like saves.  Seems like a Neftali-type situation.  Walden has to lose the job back to Rodney.  Fernando can’t win it back by just being good (as remote as that even seems).  By June, Walden can be a Donkeycorn and never look back.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kendrys Morales – Took BP.  Where?  To court for the oil spill?  *rereading news report*  Oh!  Batting practice.  That’s a good sign.  If someone lost patience with Kendrys, I’d buy him for sixty cents on the dollar.  No more though, he could be a setback away from missing another month.

Hank Conger – Homered in his first start of the season.  Here’s what Stephen said about Conger, “He has above average bat speed and contact.  His plate-discipline is stellar but his defense is still marginal at best.  I don’t see the Angels giving him much of a chance catching.”  And that’s me quoting Stephen!  Conger’s in a tough spot for playing time; Scioscia loves Mathis like a fat kid loves cake.

Sean Rodriguez – 1-for-3 with his first homer.  This comes after Maddon announced Felipe Lopez would see time at 3rd while Longoria’s out.  Sean-Rod pissed off the baseball gods in another life because he just can’t get guaranteed playing time no matter where he is.  Oh, and on a real baseball note, the Rays don’t look good.  That is all.

Madison Bumgarner – 3 IP, 3 ER vs. the Padres.  When the only hitter you need to pitch around is Nick Hundley, you kinda should beat the team… Or at least get out of the fourth inning.

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Before the game, Tony Gwynn announced the arrival of a brand new Hodgepadre.  Then Tony ate a hot fudge sundae while watching a videotape of his old at-bats.  Pretty unsexy name, but the Harangutan is worth starting at home in every league until he no longer is.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Before you run out and pick him up, this was against the team Ed Wade’s Toupee put together that is currently 0-4.

Mike Stanton – Pinch hit yesterday, but is supposedly not starting until Friday with his hamstring strain.  The real sad emoticon in this whole thing is he had leg issues in the spring so hopefully this won’t be an ongoing issue the whole year.

Gaby Sanchez - 2-for-5, hitting .444 on the year.  I wouldn’t defrost Ted Williams head just yet, but he’s hitting well.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  It’s not Dirty Sanchez, it’s not Filthy Sanchez, it’s Unsanitary Sanchez.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-2 with his first homer and he’s hitting .364.  Member when you wouldn’t draft him because he wasn’t playing in Spring Training?  Oh, you.

Mike Morse – 1-for-4 with 3 Ks, now hitting .154.  I’d say he’s not hitting righties, but he’s not hitting lefties either.

Brandon McCarthy – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the 1927 Blue Jays.  What I’m thinking with McCarthy is Beane, as played by Brad Pitt, hasn’t had much luck in the last few years, so McCarthy is gonna pan out.  I think that’s confirmation bias, but I don’t feel like going to Wikipedia to look it up.  Either way, that’s a marginal ‘keep your eye on him, but don’t pick him up yet.’  (Sorry, you now have to read the rest of this with one eye.)

Conor Jackson – 2-for-4 as he hit 3rd.  He’s like totally recovered from Valley Fever, as if.  BTW, he’s a backup outfielder as of right now.  Yes, a team is very good when they have a backup outfielder batting third.  /sarcasm

Brian Fuentes – Out with a blister.  The A’s manager hopes Fuentes can go Wednesday.  Fantasy managers that own Fuentes aren’t sure what to hope for.

Alex Gordon – 3-for-5 with his first homer (in possibly 4 years, or maybe it just feels that way).  After he hit the home run, fireworks went off… In my heart.  He’s batting third and hitting; ask questions later, just pick him up.

Alcides Escobar – 1-for-5.  Whoopie-doo, I know.  But he stole his 2nd base.  Last year, it took him until May 29th to steal his 2nd base.  Oh, it’s on.

Yovani Gallardo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Rudy picked him to win the Cy Young.  In the preseason, I ranked him 10th overall for all starters.  If you’re reading this, you probably own him.  Yay us!

Carlos Gomez – Benched for Nyjer.  And that’s how quickly a major league manager can realize a player sucks at baseball.   Oh, well.

James McDonald -  4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I gotta be honest, my heart wasn’t fully into this guy as a potential late round bargain.  Pirates pitchers are arghuably the worst in baseball from 1 through 5.  In most competitive leagues, I’d hold McDonald for another start, but start making other plans.

Kyle McClellan – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m eating whatever Dave Duncan is cooking.

Cole Hamels – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Drop him!  I keed.  He had a 5.28 ERA last April and still ended the year with a 3.06.  As they say in Vegas about the shoe, you gotta deal with it.

Chris Young – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Was so cute the way the giraffes at the Bronx Zoo all gathered around the TV to watch this start.  I liked Young when he pitched for the Padres, and Metco isn’t that bad, but his fastball has been trending down for four years and he works up in the zone.  9 baserunners in 5 and a third like yesterday isn’t great.  You can pick him up, I wouldn’t.  I.e., You do what you do and I’ll do what I do and we’ll be fine.

Josh Tomlin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I believe Josh Tomlin was a child actor on an 80′s sitcom.  I wouldn’t pick him up, Willis.

Josh Beckett – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Sticking with the newly established Josh theme, I don’t love Beckett to bounce back from last year.

Barry Enright – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Uncle Barry was babysitting the baby bears and they went wild.  BTW, Barry Enright vs. Andrew Cashner sounds like a match-up in the Greater Westchester County Dental Tennis league.

Andrew Cashner – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Pitched beautifully until he left the game with tightness in his shoulder.  Accidentists happen.

Tyler Colvin – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer of the year.  It’s about time!  Oh, wait, it’s less than a week into the season.  Eh, you probably dropped him already.

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Another pitcher I told everyone and their pedophile uncle to draft.  Hope you had the peanuts to start him in Coors.

Chris Iannetta – 1-for-3 with his first homer and he’s hitting .444 on the year.  I saw someone ask the other day in the comments if they should drop him.  Didn’t you just draft him?

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not bad vs. Texas.  But, hey, listen, he’s a rookie, it’s not going to be all peaches and cream in the champagne room every start out.

Willie Bloomquist – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a steal.  Justice has been served!

Juan Miranda – 1-for-3.  Kirk Gibson announced Miranda would get the majority of the starts to see what they have in him.  Finally, a manager that makes a smart decision.  Miranda’s worth a flyer in leagues 14+ to see if he can not only stick but make good on some of his promise.

Justin Upton – 1-for-4, I wish Justin and B.J. had a brother named Wes.  Wesssssupppppton!

Mark Teixeira – His fourth homer.  He attributed his newfound early season success to not sleeping since last October.  This message was sponsored by Red Bull.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A… O… A’ight!  He left with a blister.  Probably because he was throwing heat.  He won’t be in the rotation for long, but you have my permission to grab him while he is.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs.  I think I heard mumblings in the forums or the comments or somewhere that Aaron Hill is already a bust.  Um, they’ve only played four games and he’s hitting cleanup for the 1927 Blue Jays.  Chillax.

Jose Bautista – Out because of a personal matter.  I’m guessing he’s in Russia killing people for Ben.

Chris Narveson, his name makes me think of the insurance guy from Groundhog Day.  Am I right or am I right-right?  His name also would sound good recited by Chris Cornell.  Chris Narveson, won’t you come and wash away the rain?  Won’t you come.  Won’t you come.  Narveson was in my top 80 starters.  Let’s see what I said there, “Hmm… I don’t remember and I’m too lazy to click on the link to the actual blurb.  No one actually reads stuff I quote from myself so I’m gonna pretend I just explained Narveson to a T.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Yesterday, he had the line of 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s also 29 years old, so I’d preach a bit of caution.  He’s good for Ks (7+ K/9), dangerous on walks and around a 4.00 ERA starter in the NL.  So that’s good, meh, serviceable.  In any league deeper than 12 team, he should be owned.  In 12 team leagues, I’d take the flyer where I had room.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rickie Weeks – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in 4 games.  On one hand, I’d sell him.  On the other hand, who are you selling him for?  On my third lesser known hand, I’m wearing a puppet while talking out of the corner of my mouth.

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  It’s full steam ahead.  I.e., pick him up, snitches!

Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 3 Ks and the save.  Rawr!  That is all.

Rick Porcello – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Porcello dropped a mushroom cloud.  I own Porcello in my Fantasy Razzball league.  You know, the league where you want the worst players.  That’s what I think of him.  I do hear Porcello is a fungi!

Miguel Cabrera – 0-for-4, played yesterday but he was throwing up during the game.  Liquor before beer, man.  C’mon!

Will Rhymes – 2-for-3, and his first major league steal.  He can steal 25 of them if he plays in 130+ games.  SAGNOF!  And he appreciates the finer things in life.

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer as The Dread Pirate returned to the lineup.  This season is when McCutchen goes 20/40 and becomes a top outfielder.

Neil Walker – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and hitting .412.  For what it’s Wuertz, Walker is the player who ended up on the most teams owned by Rudy and me.

Joel Hanrahan – Member when you wouldn’t draft him last week because he wasn’t good in Spring Training?  Yeah, Hanrahanananananan has 3 saves and a zero ERA.

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He was in last week’s Buy and I do like him, but he also gave up 5 walks in this game.  Wildly effective can quickly become “Holy eff in the effhole what is Morton doing to my ratios?”

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer in two days.  Guys and three girl readers, he’s been hitting well in April for a few years now.  Don’t act too school for cool about picking him up.

Randy Wells – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I actually liked him last year and he abused my trust pretty badly, but there’s a heart under this rugged, mustachioed exterior that has learned how to forgive.  I’d give Wells a chance in 14+ team leagues, but his WHIP tends to be high even though he doesn’t walk a whole lot of hitters.

Willie Bloomquist – Is Stephen Drew getting Pipp’d out?  1 HR and 3 SB already for Bloomquist.  Definitely unexpected from the Arizona bench in which the only thing supreme about it is it sounds like the Supreme Court (Bloomquist, Roberts — can they trade for Clete Thomas, Adam Kennedy or Jon Jay?).  This is probably self-evident but don’t touch Bloomquist unless you’re using a 12-team NL pole.

Milton Bradley – 3-for-4 and hitting third.  Sure, playing with Milton Bradley is unsafe for ages 12 and over, but batting third adds fantasy value.

Erik Bedard – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Best thing I can say about this start is he walked away without injury.

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer.  He’s going 40/20 if he can stay healthy, but that if has its own postal code.

Elvis Andrus – 1-for-4 and Elvis left the building for the first time since Michael Jackson died.  Yo, legends mourn legends.  If Andrus goes 10/40 this year, you’re gonna appreciate me ranking him about fifty spots before all other ‘perts.  Yeah, I love the Rangers offense.  Deal with it.

Derek Holland – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  What I don’t love is Ranger pitchers (except Neftali — I ain’t mad at cha!).  Holland’s a decent enough flyer in deep leagues, but I’d be careful.

Jorge Posada – 1-for-3 with his third homer.  Posada’s agent, “I told you the DH was a good move!”

Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Whatevs, I wouldn’t touch him.

Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  For now, I wouldn’t touch Arrieta outside of AL-Only leagues and, even there, I probably wouldn’t own him.  In 100 1/3 IP last year, he had a 4.66 K/9.  That was 11th worst in the league.  It can get better, but I’d prefer to see it happen before I go near him.

Jeremy Guthrie – Has pneumonia.  The p is silent as in pwhatever.

Ryan Theriot – 1-for-5 with his first steal.  Has made 2 errors this season and scouts aren’t enamored with his defense.  I never thought I’d say this but Brendan Ryan had a lot of fantasy baseball value last season.  For STL pitchers that is.  Carpenter, Garcia, and Westbrook are all ground ball pitchers.  Downgrading on SS defense would seemingly be the last thing you’d want to do.  Oh well, at least us fantasy baseballers get to enjoy Theriot’s mediocre offense.

Matt Holliday – He’s saying that he doesn’t need a DL trip and can return in a week.  He’s kinda sexy and I kinda love him.  Get well soon, Mr. Holliday!  That’s me filling out the card for the edible arrangement I’m sending him.  Don’t judge!

Randy Wells spells relief with D-R-O-P H-I-M.  3 2/3 IP, 3 ER in his previous start.  4 IP, 5 ER yesterday.  If this were an SAT question, the next game’s line in this series is 4 1/3 IP and 7 ER.  Four months of a 3 ERA is a good run, right?  Send him a postcard in March when he’s down in Arizona.  Or send him a basket of Port Wine cheese logs from Cracker Barrel.  Whatever.  He’ll forgive you for dropping him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edwin Jackson – 5 IP, 5 ER.  I’m Rockwell, and I’m watching you.  Now punt Jackson.

Brett Tomko – Shut down for the season.  Who makes a deal with the devil for only three weeks?  I know Dorian Gray.  You, sir, are not him.

Willie Bloomquist – 4-for-5 yesterday and he’s hitting .500 over the last week.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he’s here.  You get the gist… Or is it the ‘quist?

Alex Gordon – 1-for-4, Now batting .205.  [sarcasm] Yeah, the Royals were totally wrong to hold him down in the minors for financial reasons.  He’s totally producing now. [/sarcasm]

Zach Greinke – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks.  Left the game with some swelling after a comebacker hit him on the elbow.  Word on the streets of Steve Balboni Blvd. is Greinke will be fine for his next start.

Miguel Olivo – Another homer yesterday.  Telling you right now, if you wait longer than a week.  He’ll be ice cold again.  He’s like Chiquita Banana’s boyfriend, he hits them in bunches.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit his 30th homer yesterday.  I wonder if after the game he got an Olivo hug.  (<–It’s called a hunch!)

John Danks – 8 IP, 1 ER.  Danks’s win got ganked by a jenky Jenks.  Say that fast 5 times.  Actually, don’t.  It’s a waste of time.

Brandon Morrow – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  He’s walking too many and we (me and you… I’m actually sitting next to you — Hey!) don’t have time for him to correct himself.  He gets the Rays next, which isn’t an awful start, but it’s highly risky right now.

Wade Davis – 9 IP, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  This start and his last start (2 2/3 IP, 8 ER) epitomizes the rookie pitcher.  You like to ride the roller coaster, but sometimes you end up vomiting.

Shane Victorino – Speaking of vomiting, Victorino has food poisoning and will miss a day or two as he’s now, The Upchucking Hawaiian.

Brad Lidge – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  This is a pretty comical set-up Manuel’s configured here.  If the Phils are up by three runs, they bring in Lidge for the save.  1 or 2 runs, it’s Madson.  That’s gotta be a nice confidence booster for Lidge.  You suck, but I trust you enough to not be totally sucky.

Chris Coghlan – 4-for-4, 1 Run.  If anyone can have a 4-for-4 with only 1 run and no steals or RBIs, it’s Coghlan.  He yawnstipates me pretty badly.

Rich Harden – Will have a start skipped for ineffectiveness rather than an injury.  This is an absolute first for Harden.  I mean, a missed start because of an injury is his Pass Line.

Carlos Zambrano – This doesn’t have a huge effect on fantasy baseball, but I found it slightly amusing.  The Cubs said they would try to trade Big Z in the offseason.  He said he would use his no-trade clause.  Now Carlos doesn’t necessarily strike me as someone that would be happy-happy-joy-joy if he were on another team, but I like that he doesn’t even want to try for happiness somewhere else.  I pitch poorly at home (almost a full run higher in Wrigley over three years), I attack the Gatorade bucket with my fisticuffs and I look downright miserable in just about every start, but, you know what?  I’m staying right here. I imagine Big Z reads a lot of Sylvia Plath.