Fantasy Baseball Advice

Corey Hart with 3 homers, 7 RBIs and a pair of sunglasses.  Never surrender, Corey Hart!  In short, you should grab him if he’s on waivers (80% owned in Yahoo).  In shorter, grab him.  In shortest, grab.  He’s streaky like Bret Boone’s hair in the 90′s and this is obviously the start of a good one.  If he’s not on waivers and someone else owns him, you bid him adieu, assuming you’re French.  (I know how much the French are into fantasy baseball.)  Just as I felt in the beginning of the year, I don’t think Hart comes anywhere near his 2010 stats.  Très bummer!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Stephen Strasburg – Threw off the mound for the first time.  His fan club, the House of Strasburg, has time to launder their early-1900s, Austrian officer uniforms as their ordainment of St. Rasburg will probably have to wait until next year.

Drew Storen – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Howie Kendrick – Sat out for his 4th straight day with moans over his hammy.  Sounds like he’s headed to the DL.  Will update you as soon as I read about it somewhere else.

Mitchell Boggs – Sent to the minors.  La Russa said, “I just cut 15% of Razzball’s Cardinal bullpen questions.  You’re welcome, Grey.  Now adopt a kitten.”

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 with a homer yesterday.  He’s baaaaack!  Which, for him, is better than “Oh, no, his baaaaack!”

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 with his first homer of the season in his return from the DL.  Not to be the bee in your bonnet (say that fast 117 times!), but the Yin and Yang nature of the Rangers injuries means Kinsler will probably be hurt within a week now.

Alexi Ogando – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Murray Chass called and said, “How’s that for a regression to his xFIP?”

Joe Blanton – Will get a second opinion on his elbow.  Come on, there’s gotta be one Phillie fan out there that is crazy enough to go Dr. Rosenrosen on Blanton and pretend to be his doctor to shut him down for the year.  Here’s your lines, “You’ve got a serious case of tennis elbow.”  “But I don’t play tennis.”  “I don’t blame you with that elbow.”

Chase Utley – 0-for-5 in his return as the Phils scored 10 runs.  Ticker tease!  Or is that ticker season?

Edinson Volquez – Sent to the minors.  My ERA and WHIP sends its regards in the form of an extended middle finger.

Sam LeCure – Supposedly, he’ll take Volquez’s rotation spot when it comes up again on Friday.  LeCure was walking around the clubhouse singing, “I don’t care if Monday’s blue, Tuesday’s gray and Wednesday too…”

Bronson Arroyo – 2 2/3 IP, 9 ER.  Almost as bad as his guitar playing.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .282 with 12 homers.  We haven’t had a “Grey is a prescient S.O.B.” in a few, so here ya go.  Two weeks into the season, people wanted to drop Bruce because of his season-starting slump.  Then a giant Gallagher hammer knocked me over the melon and I wrote the Bruce Buy post.  (Oh, and Pedro Alvarez was a sell there, when he still had some modicum of value.)

Adam LaRoche – To the DL with a torn LaBrum.  Take that, capitalization Gods!  “YOU WILL FEEL OUR WRATH.”  Uh-oh.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Will begin rehab this week.  Oh, joy, I get to spell his name regularly again.  If you’re hurting at MI (and, really, who isn’t?), I’d stash Nishioka now.  He should return in about a week and a half.

Jim Thome – Hit two homers in the same game that Jack Cust hit a home run.  With these guys going deep in the same game, it seems like this game should’ve been shown in black and white.

Matt Capps -  1 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  The only thing worse than Capps recently has been Nathan.  On a real baseball note, the Twins have been dreadful.  Feels like the first time in a while they’re out of it this early.  Oh, and the Indians have the best record in baseball.  Zoinks!

Will Venable – Sent down by the Padres for underperformance.  That’s hard to do with their offense.  That’s like flunking out of the University of Phoenix.  San Diego should move their AAA team to Tijuana.  Then when you say, “He got sent down from San Diego,” it’s actually the truth.

Bartolo Colon – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Sadly, I’m sure he took out a lot of innocent bystanders when he crashed back to earth.

Carlos Villanueva – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I used to like Villanueva when he was on the Brewers.  Decent K-rate, but he’s getting crazy lucky right now on the Blue Jays.  Wouldn’t touch him outside of deep AL-Only leagues.  BTW, his last name goes well with the tune, La Isla Bonita.  Maybe Lady Gaga will write a song about him.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-3 with his 19th home run.  In other news, I don’t know if water is wet or dry because Bautista has changed everything I know about the world.

Kenley Jansen – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save.  Jansen was called on to close the game last night, and that’s where the good news ends.  I’d continue to hold Guerrier for now if you’re desperate for saves.  Yes, I’m praying I don’t have the audacity to pick up Mike MacDougal.  (BTW, Audacity is on the map just above capacity.)

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4 with his 10th home run and 7th steal.  You know there’s gonna be a baby boy this summer in Cleveland named Asdrubal.  Then they can hang out with their five-year-old brother, Pronk.

Justin Masterson – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Red Sox.  Sonavabench!  If you had the nads (which isn’t related to Denard) to start him, you earned his stats.

Clay Buchholz – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Earth to Grey, he’s not sucking like you said he would.  I know, Earth.

Dustin Pedroia – Fell hard going around 2nd base, but reports are saying he should be fine.  If heart and grit were legs and arms, Pedroia would be an octopus and never would’ve fell.

Phil Coke – Left yesterday’s start with an ankle injury, and Furbush replaced him.  First there was Coke, then there was Furbush.  All that was missing was an Asian guy throwing firecrackers and you’d have Boogie Nights.

Jake Peavy is due back in less than a week unless he has a setback.  That ‘unless’ eats deep fried butter with a side of blooming onion, needs a crane to go to the bathroom and a mop to clean its inner thighs.  I’ll admit Peavy makes me smize, as Tyra would say.  I smized more when he was in Petco, but he’s pitched well in his rehab.  Does he deserve another chance?  Sure, why not?  What, he kicked your puppy’s nads?  Now if anyone tells you what you can expect of him this year other than three more DL stints, they’re lying, those no good liars.  You take the flyer on him if he’s on your waivers just hoping he stays healthy and produces.  The rest is icing.  …Actually, I’m using the rest is icing cliche wrong.  If he stays healthy and produces, that is the icing.  Can you tell I wrote this when I was hungry?  Mmm…Deep fried butter.  Anyway, here’s some players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Vicente Padilla – I feel like one small point that’s getting lost in all of this Padilla talk is that he sucks.

Hong-Chih Kuo – It’s so frustrating when you own a guy that should step into the closer role and he’s currently sucking.  Well, that’s interesting for you to read.  Moving on…

Eduardo Sanchez – I think Tony La Russa is building a case to get out of some kind of contractual obligation.  A’la, “Yes, my client, Tony La Russa agreed to endorse Sbarro, but as he’s shown from his managing of the Cards bullpen, he doesn’t know what he’s doing from minute to minute.”

Fernando Salas – I see your closer committee and I raise you a closer clusterf**k.

Mark Melancon – I just read about him somewhere.  Oh, I know.  Scroll down to this morning’s post.  It’ll help exercise your typee muscles.

Aneury Rodriguez – Because of Gallardo, Liriano and a host of other schmohawks, I’m actively looking at Aneury in more leagues than I’d like to admit.

Bud Norris – Don’t make me say something pithy, just pick him up already.

Brett Wallace – His face looks like he’s trying to gleek, but he is a current hot schmotato.

Matt LaPorta – Here’s a peek behind the curtain at Razzball HQ.  I start the Buy/Sell on Monday and as the week goes on I add and remove players.  LaPorta has been in three Buys on Monday and hasn’t made it to Friday staying hot.  Not a great sign, but he is kinda hot now so do what you do.

Ian Stewart – It took over a year, but I think the fantasy community has finally given up on Stewart.  So what better time for him to finally break out?!  Yeah, that’s wishful thinking.  If you lost one of the twenty-five 3rd basemen that are out injured or just suck (Pedro Alvarez, “I understand you are talking about me.  I apologize sincerely.  Now I wish to eat a piece of cake and strikeout.”), grab the one, the only Mini Mini Donkey.

Allen Craig – Out of curiosity, I went back and looked at what Pujols did his first month in the major leagues to see why La Russa ever even played him.  Sure enough, Pujols hit .370 with 8 homers in April of 2001.  Allen Craig, that is what you’re up against.  Good luck!

Scott Sizemore – On the other hand, if you were to suit up your dachshund in a Tigers uniform, Leyland would probably bat him in the top of the order.

Clint Barmes – I picked him up in one league for the short schedule day yesterday and think I might run him out there for a few while Beckham (or Bartlett or Alcides or Nishioka) gets his act together.

Ben Revere – SAGNOF!

Matt Joyce – Still on fire from his last appearance in a Buy/Sell.  But a word of warning, he’s nearing 50% owned in ESPN leagues, which means he’s about to bomb.

Angel Pagan – Not a huge fan, but he should get better and be owned in more leagues than he currently is.

Peter Bourjos – Sure taking a long time for people to pick this guy up.  Don’t make me send his cousin Per Djoos after you.

Jason Bourgeois – Could probably steal 800 bases this year if he played every day.  Okay, plus or minus 750.

Will Venable – More steals yadda³.  Apropos of nothing, Max Venable, Will’s pop-pop, had a 12-year major league career and he has about as much on his Wikipedia page as I do.  Someone fill out my man’s stub.

SELL

Alexi Ogando – Just went over how his xFIP is farting in his ERA’s general direction.  Hint:  It was yesterday’s afternoon post.

Placido Polanco – Probably will hit .400 just to spite me, but if you can trade him for a Brain Freeze or even a low-end Donkeycorn, I would, and I don’t usually trade for closers.  BTW, I’d love to be sitting over the shoulder of someone who stumbles on this website for the first time.  Donkeycorn?  Brain Freeze?  Hot schmotato?  How are there 250 comments on every post at this site?  Is this a cult?  Razzball?  How about Razz-what-the-eff-is-this-mustachioed-man-talking-about?

Russell Martin – I admit that I don’t think you can trade him for much, but I’d try.  He was a hot April, not a hot beginning of a great season.  Plus, The Great Gazoo is back.

Ben Zobrist – He’s the number one rated 2nd baseman according to ESPN’s Player Rater as of right now…Unfortunately, half of his stats came from one day.  Remember it wasn’t that long ago that you were thinking about dropping him because as of April 22nd, he had a .183 average with 3 homers and 2 steals.  Then the last week of April, he tripled just about all his stats.  I wouldn’t trade him for Micah Hoffpauir’s fake ID, but I’d explore options.

Justin Smoak has back-to-back days with home runs and back-to-back-to-back games with a home run.  Say that fast 117 times!  Where there’s Smoak, there’s fire!  See what I did there?!  Did you see?!  Yeah, of course you did, it was pretty obvious.  Smoak seems to be the hot schmotato of the moment.  (Hot schmotato hasn’t made its official way yet into the glossary.  Just taking it out for a test drive, seeing how it feels.  It does have that new Razzball glossary word smell.)  If you’re currently rocking a corner infidel that doesn’t excite you or your nipples, grab Smoak.  Kid’s got talent and might just be coming into his own.  The lost Smoak monster is found!  (BTW, he was a preseason sleeper.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, bassoon.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Erik Bedard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  When he’s healthy, he’s usually pretty a’ight, so, sure, I’d grab him.  As Fonzie’s horse would say, what the hey!

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 6 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Fudge!  Only I didn’t say fudge, I said the mother of all curse words.

Mark Teixeira – Left the game with a shoulder injury.  Joe Girardi said it wasn’t serious.  Then again, Joe Girardi wears braces.  We’re supposed to believe this guy?  Does Joe Girardi own Te(i)x on his fantasy team?  Well?

Phil Hughes – His arm went through five more hours of testing.  Hopefully his arm gets into its school of choice.

Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. You should pick him up (for someone else’s team after stealing their password).

Eduardo Sanchez – 1 IP, 2 ER with the save.  This is your brain.  This is your brain trying to figure out who La Russa is gonna use to close games.  But whatever cuz Eduardo looked like Retardo Montalban and promptly gave up some runs.  The closing job is cursed!  I’d grab Boggs, Sanchez, Franklin (recorded no outs and gave up 2 runs in this game) or Motte.  Really in any order, and hope you choose right because this closerousel is off the hinges and the horses are going up down all willy-nilly and shizz with no leather straps.

Brett Wallace – 11 for his last 17.  Another hot schmotato.  (It’s starting to feel a bit more comfortable.)  Hitting .524 in the last week.  Yeah, go ahead and grab him.

Roy Oswalt – Left the Phillies due to personal reasons.  A source close to the situation says Oswalt was playing Halladay in Words With Friends and Halladay played “djin” on a triple word and Oswalt threw his cellphone in the garbage and left.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Hommy Tanson!

Chipper Jones – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs.  Glass Chipper has the 2nd most RBIs in the major leagues.  In other news, RBIs are stupid.

Mat Latos – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and 5 unearned runs for the agita-filled ticker shock.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-4 with his fifth Freedom Fly.  For Frenchy, this might be as good as it baguettes, but go with him while it’s good.

Jim Thome – The Founding Father of Country Strong is day-to-day with a slight oblique strain.  More time to chop wood and chew tobacco.

Delmon Young – Headed to the DL with ribcage soreness.  Maybe Mauer coughed on his ribs.

Francisco Liriano – 3 IP, 7 ER.  If anyone wants to join me when I go to Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome to throw a brown bag filled with crap at Liriano, more the merrier.

Tyson Ross – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Maybe I just want some Oakland A’s pitching action because it seems like they all can pitch, but I like Ross.  More in deep leagues than your run-of-the-mill variety, but still.

Carl Crawford – 0-for-4, hitting .156.  His start of the season reminds me of that terrific quote from Lawrence Taylor.  “My life is in the toilet and no one is flushing.”

Ryan Howard – Hit his 4th home run to keep pace with Shane Victorino, who hit his 4th homer earlier in the game.

Domonic Brown – Homered in his first rehab game.  I see your surgically-repaired hamate bone and I raise you a whole lot of talent.

Krispie Young – Hit two Krispie flies.  Not entirely sure why he’s leading off since walking for him is a feat.  Pun point!

Will Venable – 2 steals to bring his total to 8 while he hits .183.  I know what’s going on here, Venable’s trying to get his face on the SAGNOF t-shirt.

Alexi Ogando – When asked if Ogando would stay in the rotation when Hunter, Webb or Feldman returns, Ron Washington said, “I’m not taking him out of the rotation if he continues to pitch like this.  I’m not going to rob Peter to pay Paul.  Paul has to earn his pay.   Ogando is Peter and those guys are Paul.”  Doesn’t that sound like something Jules would say in Pulp Fiction?  Think we know what Washington’s wallet says.

Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Sonavabench!  I’ve figured out what it takes for one of my starters to pitch well.  I have to bench them.  Works like a charm.  A charm that is infected with typhoid fever and gives you the shakes.  A charm, nevertheless.

James McDonald – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Or I can just drop them.  That works too.

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4, now batting .267.  Member when him, The Dread Pirate and Neil Walker were all batting .350+?  I liked that.  Can we go back to that?

Roger Bernadina – 2-for-2 but didn’t start.  Might want to cover your ears for a second… LET HIM PLAY, NATS!  YOU IDIOTS!

Casey Blake – Out for a month with gray-haired, old man brittle bones.  “I have gray-haired, old man brittle bones!  Watch me creak!”  That’s what Blake said.

Jonathan Broxton – Didn’t appear in the game because his elbow was a little tender.  Or al dente, if you will.

Vicente Padilla – Recorded his first save.  The over/under for Padilla saves is 7.  I’m taking the under.  I highly doubt he gets more than 4 after Kuo returns.  In deep leagues or those leagues where you’re bonkers desperate for saves, by all means.

Andre Ethier – 2-for-5 with his third homer as he pushes his hitting streak to 24 games.  Los Angeles hasn’t seen a streak like this since Mike Piazza frosted his hair.

The Marlins outfield is only big enough to handle one prospect as Logan Morrison is hitting the DL on the same night that Mike Stanton finally hits a home run.  Morrison projected to be the anti-Stanton with solid AVG and OBP but limited power (10-15 HRs).  Yet after 4 early HRs, he was showing the 4-category prowess that makes owners feel all a-tingle.  But then Logan goes and hurts his left foot and will miss 2-4 weeks.  Guess Daniel Day-Lewis is now the favorite for the title role in The Logan Morrison Story.  I’d stash vs. drop Morrison if you’ve got DL or bench space.   Oh well, good thing Stanton only hit a solo shot vs a grand slam or Morrison might’ve needed his foot amputated.

Felix Hernandez – 7 2/3 IP of shutout ball with 8 Ks.  Whew.  For a while there, I thought F-Her was going to pull the Zack Greinke “Yawn.  I had to work extra hard to win a Cy Young on a crappy team.  I’m going to mail it in for a year and then ask to be traded in the offseason” routine.   Even more impressive than F-Her’s pitching line was that the Mariners lavished him with a whole run so he could get the win.

Kevin Youkilis - Yoooooooooooouuk left last night’s game with a bruised shin.  It’ll take a day or two to determine if it’s serious so I’ll take this moment to take a nonsensical estimate of the damage.  Let’s see…Youkilis is Jewish.  The ‘Shin’ is the unlucky symbol on a dreidel that requires the spinner to contribute to the pot.  As the one song ever written for Hanukkah has taught us, one must wait until a dreidel is dry before one could play with it because they are made out of clay.  Clay Buchholz is a teammate of Youkilis’ on the Red Sox.  Buchholz rhymes with cuckolds which are men who have been conned into raising another man’s child.  So it’s obvious that Youkilis will not be ready to play until he realizes that a teammate has shtupped his wife by spinning her like a top.  Then he must wait for the physical bruise on his shin to heal and the tears from the emotional bruise on his heart have had time to dry.

Brad Hawpe – The Padres offense is hopeless with Hawpe (.119 AVG with .179 OBP!) and the only hope for the Padres is for a Hawpeless lineup.  Bud Black has done this in three of the last four games.  I think Hawpe will be DFA’d in the next couple of weeks and they bring up 1B prospect Anthony Rizzo by June 1st.  Jorge Cantu is the short-term beneficiary of any additional playing time.  Opponents benefit either with Hawpe or Cantu.

Jason Bartlett – Don’t quote me on this but Bartlett could prove to be a stealth MI choice this year for those that punted or got Nishoka’d.  He’s shaken an early season slump to go 12 for his last 23 and has been moved back to the top of the lineup.  The Padres are definitely being aggressive on the basepaths this year and Bartlett has the potential of going .280 w/ 30 SBs.  He makes for a pretty good pearing (pun intended) with a 2B or SS that might be light on the speed (e.g., Uggla).

Torii Hunter – Angel i’s broke out of a big slump (4-for-38) with a 2 run HR to ruin Josh Beckett’s night.  He’s been quite dependable since becoming an Angel (.280-.290/20+ HRs) but not sure how much he has left in the tank – just that he has a little more than Vernon Wells and Bobby Abreu.  Peter Bourjos must feel like a young Mel Gibson on a team full of Danny Glovers.

Chris Perez – The Eastside & Down star blew his first save of the year, giving up 2 ERs in a 3-2 loss to Kansas City.  Those were the first runs Perez has given up in his last 26+ innings.  Maybe it was just a tribute to his ex-mentor Ryan Franklin.

Aaron Hill – Day-to-day with a hamstring issue.  If Canadian Bacon is like ham, are Canadian hamstrings like bacon?

Roy Oswalt - 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  So much for the back strain scare from his last start.  Given that this start was against the Padres, I’m sure everyone in the Phillies middle relief was volunteering to take Roy’s spot for a start.  Throw Kyle Kendrick a bone!

Daniel Hudson - That’s 0-4 now for Hudson who had pitched pretty well in his first three starts (6+ IP in each start, 4 or less ER, average of over 7 K’s).  He was sick of being subtle as he gave up a 4-spot to the Reds in the 1st inning in about as ugly a fashion as one could (3 BBs including 2 with bases loaded, 1 HBP,  and a 2 run single to Miguel Cairo).  I’ll say this for Reds games – you don’t want to show up late as half the scoring is in the first inning.

Mike Leake – That’s 3-0 for Leake after a solid start (7 IP, 3 ER).  With Cueto and Bailey getting healthy, it’s tough to say whether he stays in the rotation or goes to the ‘pen.  If they let the judge decide, it’ll likely be the latter.

Justin Morneau – That’s now 5 games missed for the flu.  As someone who has him starting in a weekly H2H league, I’d like to give him the FLU minus the L.

Freddie Freeman – The rookie 1B went deep against Kershaw – rather impressive for a lefty hitter.  He’s not going to hit for average this year but he looks like he could reach 20 HRs.  Not bad for a UTIL or a CI fill-in.  He’ll be competing neck-and-neck this year with Jerry Sands for the “Best Rookie Who I Thought Was Black Until I Saw A Picture” Award – also known as the Reggie Cleveland All-Stars.

Mike Stanton – I know I mentioned it in the lede (fancy newspaper spelling of the word) but it’s worth noting again.  Finally, Stanton hit a HR!  While that was his only hit, he scored 2 additional runs via walks.  Better get ready for more souvenirs, you five people who sit in the Florida bleachers.

Pedro Alvarez – Speaking of long-awaited first HRs (I talk as I type)!  Pedro ended the night 3-4 with 2 runs and 2 RBIs.  A few more nights like that and dorky Pirate fans can wear their ‘Vote For Pedro’ t-shirts with only its original-intended detached irony.

Clayton Kershaw – Was one out away from a complete game victory when he loaded the bases with 2 outs.  Kershaw’s gassed after throwing 119 pitches.  Mattingly comes out of the dugout with six highly motivating words “Broxton is ready in the pen”.  Kershaw chooses to own his fate and, alas, David Ross hit a 2-run single on an 0-2 fastball.  It’s hard to complain about a pitching line of 8 2/3 IP, 3 ER 9 baserunners, 7 K but it looks a whole lot better with a Win attached to it.

Matt Kemp – Hit his 2nd walkoff HR in 5 games.  Is Rihanna the Buck Showalter of WAGs?  The year after they leave leads to ultimate success.  Kemp has clearly been the best fantasy player in the NL so far and – while his average won’t stay above .400 – he’s got a decent chance of clearing .300 if he maintains his 19% K rate (he’s been around 25% for his MLB career).  One negative – only because Grey LOOOOOOOVES Kemp and I feel the need to balance him out – is that he’s only 1-for-4 in SBs since starting the season going 7-for-7.  What happened, Davey Lopes?!

Scott Baker – Baker dominated the O’s at Camden Yards, striking out 9 while giving up no runs and 5 baserunners in 7 IP.  That’s on the heels of another 5 baserunner in 7 IP start at Tampa.  Baker has shown the potential to rise to another level (1.19 WHIP in 2009) but has been generally plagued by bad innings and gopheritis.  I’m sure I’m in the minority on this one but I’d rather have Baker than Liriano this year.

Kyle Lohse – Lohse swatted away the Nats with a complete game 2 hitter.  Everyone’s talking about Jaime Garcia’s start but Lohse is now 3-1 with a 2.01 ERA, 0.73 WHIP, and a decent K-rate (22 in 31 IP).  He’s had two bad, health-marred years since his last solid one in 2008 (15-6, 3.78/1.30 in 200 IP) but if Duncan can get a solid year out of Joel Piniero, why not Lohse?  I’d pick him up in mixed leagues but would be aggressive in sitting him against bad matchups.

Brandon McCarthy - Brandie Mac is looking like a fantastic buy low acquisition for the A’s.  He’s now up to 30 IP at a 2.10 ERA clip and a K/BB ratio of 20/3.  I haven’t been that turned on by a McCarthy since Jenny McCarthy was on MTV’s Singled Out.

Will Venable – Venable’s awful hitting blends in very well in San Diego but ever alert Bud Black seems to have noticed.  Venable (a lefty) was benched in favor of Chris Denorfia (a righty) on Thursday night even though they were facing a righty (Oswalt).  Not a great show of support for Venable.  I can’t recommend Venable in shallow leagues but – if you’re speculating on SBs – he’s a better bet than, say, a Nyjer Morgan.

Nyjer Morgan – Sent to the 15-day with a deep thigh bruise.  The trainers knew the bruise was deep when they heard it recite prose from Kierkegaard.  Say what you want about Nyjer but he is the 3rd best active player with an African country as his first name – behind Chad Billingsley and Tsu-Dan Kalbi of the Korean Baseball League.

Doesn’t Danny Valencia sound like a bad actor’s stage name?  “For my audition, I’m going to do the scene ‘Eating the Old 96er’ from The Great Outdoors.”  Okay, try not to choke.  (Quick side note:  My aunt used to date Danny Aiello.  But not Danny Aiello, the actor.  A different Danny Aiello.  It was like McDowell’s vs. McDonald’s.  “They got the Golden Arches, mine is the Golden Arcs.”  I’d tell people, “Yeah, I was at dinner with Danny Aiello.”  My friends would be, “Danny Aiello?!”  “Yeah, Danny Aiello!”  Then my friends would make excuses to come over and be like, “That’s not Danny Aiello!”  And I’d be like, “That’s Danny Aiello!”  Then one day we were at a restaurant and who walks in but the real Danny Aiello.  It was like when Lorraine attempts to escape the house, but encounters her 2015 counterpart and faints.)  So Valencia is hitting over .400 at home, where the Twins are the final week.  Yes, over .400.  He also has 3 homers in the last week.  Here’s hoping he can make the magic last for more than one night or week.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Melvin Mora – This schmohawk is usually Melvin Van Feebles, but he’s hitting well in the last week and there’s no guarantee Mini-Mini Donkey will be inserted right back into the lineup.

Mike Aviles – It must be the end of the season when I’m heavily promoting a guy who’s barely above Crapolanco’s production.

Chris Johnson – As they say at bachelorette parties, this Johnson’s hot.

Wilson Betemit – Geez, how many corner infidels can be hot in the final week?  I’ll answer that right after I dump Sandoval and his Shirley Hemphill-lookalike body.

Chris Carter – This isn’t a buy for this year, but, if you’re in a keeper, I’d take a flier on Carter just to see how things play out this winter.

Danny Espinosa – Blah blah blah Espinosa!  Blah blah blah Buy!  Blah blah blah Dracula!

Randy Wolf – He appeared in the borderline starters post for last week.  Before that, he went out with your Moms and did her wrong.  So I don’t fully trust him, but he’s been lights out.

Edwin Jackson – Really only listed here because he gets 2 starts in the final week and the final one is vs. the Indians and their $24 of trinkets.

Carlos Zambrano – Has been great since returning to the rotation and also gets 2 starts in the final week.  Last start is vs. the Astros.  Hello, sexy, what’s your name?

Nick Blackburn – Just went over my Nick Blackburn fantasy.  It’s a fascinating read, I count only three typos.  Or is that, tipe-ohs?  Anyhoo!  Blackburn’s set for two starts next week, but I imagine the 2nd start will be shortened or skipped since the ‘offs.

Tim Stauffer – This is Grey, the Not-Really-Greek’s Double Yahtzee pick of the week!  Two starts, one at home, one in San Fran.

Alex Sanabia – I actually picked him up in one league for his two starts, but I’m not excited about it.  How’s that for selling a Buy?!

Carlos Carrasco – And last of the two start pitchers for next week that have a legit chance of appearing on any of my teams.  And, yes, Carrasco sounds like a luchador.

David Murphy – If you haven’t picked up Murphy yet, you’re probably not paying attention anyway.  It’s a shame, you could’ve been a contender.

Michael Morse – Something tells me he won’t be hot by next Tuesday, but there’s only, like, ten more days of season left, so what the eff in the coolie hole.

Will Venable – I think I’ve mentioned this before, but Venable is the 2nd fastest guy in the majors after Crawford, according to Bill James’ Speed Score.  Tied with Brett Gardner and ahead of Michael Bourn, Reyes, Stubbs, Victorino…  Don’t just stare, say something!  Okay, maybe I’m the only one that finds that interesting.

Jarrod Dyson – He’s fast.  That’s all I got.  I’m not sure he’ll play and he’ll never hit for power.  He’s like a non-French Juan Pierre.

Clay Hensley – SAGNOF!

Chris Sale – See Hensley, Clay.  Or 1/8th of an inch above.

Craig Breslow – Michael Wuertz’ thumb is huertz and Ziegler throws like a girl.

Phil Coke – In a blind taste test, 4 out of 5 SAGNOF’ers choose Ryan Pepsi, but Coke is it.

Juan Gutierrez – I like Kirk Gibson.  He was a fist pumping fool before Vinny.  Though I think making Gutierrez the closer was reason enough for him to never manage another game, let alone get signed on for next year, but mine is not to reason why.

SELL

Ted Lilly – I’m actually a fan of Lilly, but he has two starts left and his next start is in Coors.  Blech.

Andrew Bailey – See Jose Valverde.

Jose Valverde – See Andrew Bailey.

Joe Mauer – Unless your league counts the playoffs, you need someone else.

Zack Greinke – Kinda depends on your shituation but I dropped Greinke in the one league I have him for a two start pitcher.  And it felt great!  Sayonora, schmohawk!

Any Pitcher That Has Pitched His Last Start – Maximize your lineup spots with middle relievers for vulture wins or other starters.  It’s that time, friends.  Good luck!