In what can only be described as the biggest trade ever made for some Hoes, Bud Norris was traded to the O’s for L.J. Hoes. Hoes ain’t shizz against pitches and tricks! An almost title, “Hoes Go South, Norris Makes O’s Face.” But too gangster for you. You can’t handle such gangster frivolities! You play your tennis at the country club and call your girl and tell her, “Guess what, baby? Houston got some Hoes!” See where that get you. Get you a month straight in the man cave watching pay-per-view Hoes. That’s where it get you. So, Norris goes to Baltimore, and takes his 3.93 ERA with him, replacing the newly-DL’d Jason Hammel. He’s a trifling Bud that can’t get out lefties all that well. I wouldn’t put him at more than match-up capable against weaker righty heavy teams. So, does his fantasy value go up with this trade? Hoes please! Another barely fantasy-relevant starter to move at the trading deadline was Ian Kennedy. Reminds me of the idiom, there’s a place for everything and everything in its place. This also applies for any starter who is struggling. There’s only one place for them. Petco! It’s no surprise that his career numbers are superb in Petco — 2.27 ERA, 0.88 WHIP, 48 Ks in 35 2/3 IP. His major problem everywhere is the home run ball and this is negated in a park that is 1025 feet to dead center and has tumbleweeds blowing past a statute of Nate Colbert in left. Also, it certainly — or sointly if you’re reading in a Stooge voice — does not hurt — or hoit — that he was facing the Padres. He could easily be a low-3 ERA pitcher at home. I still wouldn’t start him in road match-ups, but I’d own him in all fantasy leagues for home games. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Like Billy Joel, Alfonso Soriano is washed up and in a New York state of mind. Don’t tell A-Rod, Christie Brinkley is his type of gal. Soriano getting traded to the Yankees is the best news for him in some time. That’s the magical elixir calling to fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!). Soriano will now revert back to his younger self — when he was still in his forties — and start mashing the ball, stealing bases and doing an extra springy hop when he catches fly balls. Playing for the Yankees is a youth tonic made of juniper berries and grounded-up mints Steinbrenner hoarded from restaurants. There’s just an air about playing with other guys in their fifties that brings everything to life. It’s a real life Cocoon in the Bronx. Don Ameche will be played by Vernon Wells, Wilford Brimley will be played by Travis Hafner and Alfonso Soriano is Steve Guttenberg! Girardi might be the third youngest guy on the bench. Birth certificates are inconclusive. Or! Soriano is who he is at this point. This second scenario seems more likely. It’s not like Wrigley is a bad hitters’ park. Nothing’s gonna change for him in Yankee Stadium. He could hit a few homers, give you a .260 average and throw out his hip at a moment’s notice. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Derek Jeter returned and went 1-for-4 with an RBI, run scored and left with a strained quad. I’m not even joking about the injury. The Yankees should just travel with an MRI machine. Didja know 100% of the babies born in the tri-state area between 1992-2013 have a 98.7% chance of having Jeter as their dad? I know, it’s not easy to look at your dad like this, but he’s old. He’s not the same Pops who used to get drunk and tell you to sit in the closet while he hand feed your mother In N Out. This is a different father. This father of yours has the appeal of an old Prado and I’d rather be a suitcase than an old bag like you. In a full season, you might, maybe, possibly get ten homers and ten steals. In less than half a season, your dad could be replaced by, say, Nick Franklin. Mom might think it’s weird, but it’s true. I’d own Jeter if I needed an MI, but if you can use him as a sweetener in a trade then Splenda! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
When Jose Fernandez walks into the 18-and-over strip club, where only the drinks are virgins, that’s called “Rookie Nookie,” he flips his rookie cards like they’re dollar bills, yelling, “Jose make it rain! Jose make it rain! Get it? Hoe say, ‘Make it rain.’” He explains his puns, but he doesn’t need to explain his stuff. It’s filthy with a side of Dirt Nasty. Last night, his line was 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (2 hits) and 10 Ks. Sure, it was against the Padres, but Nolasco just got his asco handed to him by the same team. Fernandez is in the upper echelon of K-rates (9+) for all pitchers with a more than manageable walk rate (hair above 3). Oh, and he’s 20 years old. He can’t buy alcohol! He can’t legally marry an illegal alien in the state of Mississippi without parental consent! He’s so young Jose Tabata’s wife could’ve gave birth to him! He skipped right from High-A to the majors, so this is basically his Double-A season. I just got goose pimples on my butt thinking about how good he can be next year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
We’ve run into another one of those weeks when it’s probably best to avoid two-start streaming. It’s not as despicable as we’ve gotten this season, but there are really only four or five realistically streamable options in week 14. Meanwhile, there are roughly 1,000 two-start turds for the week ahead. If you’re lucky enough to get your greedy hands on one of the few gems, good for you. But if you’re late to the party, don’t bother. Steer clear of this mess and roll with your core arms.
As always, probable pitchers are subject to change. For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click that link.Please, blog, may I have some more?
You wanted to sell R.A. Dickey, but no one was buying. Seeing last year as a fluke. Said he couldn’t do it again. Said you had too much fruit in your tapioca for even drafting him. They told you go fly a kite with Dickey, but not around children or it would be weird. Then Dickey throws a two-hit shutout yesterday with 6 Ks and you showed them that the only good thing that ever came out of being a naysayer is horse whispering. Or did you? Do you know anything more about Dickey than you did two days ago? He says he’s been dealing with cold weather and a sore back and he’s blaming the WBC. Excuses are like Alcides Escobar, everyone has one and they all smell. Did Dickey’s back suddenly clear up? Because he gave up six earned in his last start. Was the weather in his last start cold and Dickey shrunk up? This shutout was against the Rays, who are now 10 for their last 99 against him. They see Dickey and immediately go limp. Finally, your Dickey looks to be pointing in the right direction, but I wouldn’t start writing his name on your underpants just yet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The name YoGa conjures peace, calm and sneaking looks at girls in yoga pants. On the mound, YoGa conjures stress. Starting him is like asking him to be your designated driver. You really have no idea what you’re going to get. He’s become more predictable as of late, but not in the good way. Every game this year he’s looked like someone put him in the fridge for an hour, then poured Magic Shell over him, then chiseled him out and left the fake-choco shell on the mound. I was already to drop him. I had hit my brink. So, how does he reward me? Does he pitch terrible and allow me the freedom of dropping him? You think anything’s that easy with YoGa? Yesterday, Yovani Gallardo was regularly hitting 93 MPH, and looking the part of the guy that finished 11th in Cy Young voting two years ago and won 16 games with a 3.66 ERA last year. A guy that has been a solid number two fantasy starter for the last four years. He threw a near-flawless 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (1 BB), 4 Ks game. Of course, it was against the MIA Marlins and only 4 Ks. Still, I can’t drop him after that, but I also can’t start him for his next game in Great American Ballpark. So, for now I’ll hold a guy that I can’t start or bench confidently. Ugh, more stress! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
A quick word before we begin with the two-start jibber-jabber: I’m out of town this weekend visiting my brother in Cincinnati. He runs a golf course out there, so I plan to take full advantage of free golf privileges. And while on the links, I like to wash away the pain of double-bogeys with cold ones. I also like to celebrate pars with cold ones. This, of course, is simply a roundabout way of saying that I’m way too drunk to reply to your comments today. Not to worry, though. Our own J.B. Gilpin was kind enough to fill in for me. Thanks, J.B.! Now for the two-starters.Please, blog, may I have some more?
If you were one of the Razzball disciples that had dreams of a 20/20 type season from Josh Rutledge please take your head out of the oven. Rutledge may have been sent packing, but things aren’t that bad. It’s not like you’ve been eating snow cones at Minute Maid Park. Besides you own an electric range. Worse thing you’ll do is singe your eyebrows and look like this. Hey, I was a Rutledge believer too. But I hedged my bet and put one of my kidneys on ice for him just in case something went terribly wrong. Damn, the cat’s eaten it. Gareth, bad kitty! At least I have a spare and that has Jedd Gyorko’s name all over it. I really need a middle infielder! If you were a Rutledge owner as well, we are in the same boat. And it’s about to hit an iceberg. Now stay still while I sketch you. The middle infield waiver options are stocked with guys named either Alexi or Alexei. Oh, there’s an Adeiny too. *sticks head in oven*Please, blog, may I have some more?
Some weeks, it’s just good to trust a buy call by our Fantasy Baseball Lord & Savior, Grey Albright. BTW, do me a favor. Google Grey Albright…do you get Snafu Larry as your second image? That’s just not right…and now that I look at all those images I have to ask myself ‘Is Grey even real’? I mean, we congregate on this site daily looking to him for the mustachio’ed word from upon high but is this some form of mass hysteria where the disease is fantasy sports addiction and we’ve conjured up this being to serve the purpose of telling us that which we already know in our hearts? What if the internet isn’t even real but simply the manifestation of our collective thoughts as we dream in Matrix-like incubation eggs before we’re harvested? What if none of this is real?!? Woah hey and sorry there…the mushrooms finally wore off…well minus the tracers. Either way, I’m real, you’re real and we’re spectacular and so was Grey’s BUY call on Leonys Martin last week. I can tell you’re not sure of this call. I feel you wavering about this waiver call and it’s understandable. Who wants a guy who hits at the bottom of the batting order? Well I do and you should too for week nine of the 2013 fantasy baseball season but we must read on to find out why.Please, blog, may I have some more?