Fantasy Baseball Advice

Hey, I can bench Eric Hosmer!  That was the first thing I thought when I picked up Matt Adams.   First stop for Hosmer is my bench, next stop waivers.  Yesterday, our prospect writer Scott said this about Adams, “Despite the impressive audition (in Spring Training), St. Louis sent him to Triple-A Memphis where he’s hit .338/.373/.597 with 9 HR through his first 150 plate appearances… With an advanced approach, solid on base skills, and plus power, Adams has a chance to do damage in the bigs right away.  He’s worth an add in most formats.  There’s really not much else to say, except Grey is handsome.”  I obviously wouldn’t have copied and pasted all of that if I didn’t agree.  In a 12 team mixed league, I found room for him (then again my offense could use anything at this point — I have Brian Dozier!) by losing Anthony Rizzo.  I do think Rizzo will be up soon and is worth owning, but I could only speculate on one “young 1st baseman that will fix my other young 1st baseman problem (Hosmer!).”  With Berkman possibly out a while (as of this writing, his timetable wasn’t clear, but it didn’t look good and he was talking of retirement), Adams just needs to hit to get everyday playing time (please, deity of my choice, let him hit).  At first, I could see him platooning a bit with Carpenter so don’t overreact on who you drop when you pick up Adams, but if you’re hurting at 1st base, get smart and don Adams.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Aroldis Chapman – Hey, he’s now the closer!  Mazel tov!  I remember when he was just a new Cuban raftee and, now, he’s a man.  A real fine chap, man.  He has yet to allow an earned run in 22 1/3 innings to go with 39 Ks.  Man, that is beautiful.  Shoot, I have to change my shorts.  And…I’m back!  You miss me?

Ryan Ludwick – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 4th homer.  Just when it looked like Heisey finally bought himself a longer leash, Ludwick comes along to confuse Dusty.  (Yes, they both played yesterday, but that was only because there was a DH.)

Paul Konerko – After taking one off his face on Friday, the White Sox said they should be able to punim back in on Tuesday.

Jake Peavy – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  No kidding, who would you prefer:  Peavy or Lincecum?  Is it close?

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  If it’s not the Rip Van Winkle of sleepers.  If you’re desperate for infield help, I could see grabbing him for your middle infidel spot.

Adam Dunn – 1-for-4 with his 14th homer.  Like one of those weekly Bieber’s been trampled by 1400 screaming Asian girls rumors, the reports of Dunn’s death were also premature.  Rob Thomas would say he’s come un-Dunn.  Fantasy Baseball Blurb Police, “Bieber and Rob Thomas in the same blurb?  C’mon, man, don’t make me ticket you.”

Ike Davis – Terry Collins (who?) said that Davis could be headed to the minors.  All kidding aside, have the Mets doctors checked him again for Valley Fever?  Actually, has anyone but the Mets doctors checked him for Valley Fever?

Kevin Youkilis – Phillies and Indians are “monitoring” Youuuuuuuk.  I found this funny for some reason.  Next time I’m caught sitting outside an ex-girlfriend’s house, I’m going to say I was just “monitoring” her.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see Youuuuuuk moved.  Red Sox don’t want to send Middlebrooks down and Youuuuuuk’s so welcome in the Red Sox clubhouse that Bobby Valentine commissioned Billy Ocean to remix his own song to, “Get Outta My Team, Get Into My Veggie Wrap With Swiss Chard.”

Josh Beckett – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Cliff Lee, who went 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, as the two last place teams battled.  The Comatose Red Sox and Phillies fans, that conked out the day before the season started, blink their eyes open, “Don’t you mean first place?”

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games, and 7th on the season.  Why do I wish he had 1st base eligibility and I drafted him instead of Hosmer?

Mike Aviles – 2-for-5 with his third homer in as many games.  Thomas Peefuttle who?!  Actually, that’s a made-up name, but Aviles has been good even if you compare him to someone who’s real.

Jonathan Lucroy – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 7 RBIs and 2 homers.  Actually, I wouldn’t mind dropping my whole RCL offense and having only catchers.

Corey Hart – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs with his 9th homer as the Brewers exploded for 16 runs.  Elias Sports Bureau said Corey Hart was rated by People Magazine as The Ugliest Man Alive.  Actually, Elias didn’t say that, but here’s something that was overheard at the Stamford compound of Elias Sports Bureau.  “In Accounting, Jeff and Dave have casually joked about switching wives twenty-seven times in the last two weeks for a new office record.  Also, Jeff recorded it a record 17 times to be used for blackmail purposes later.”

Colby Lewis – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros.  In related news, American League pitchers are fully supportive of the Astros’ 2013 league switch.

Vance Worley – Has a bone chip in his elbow.  He says he’s going to “man up” and pitch through the pain.  Who’s he Bruce Willis cutting a bullet out of his arm and bandaging it up with a shirt he rips with his teeth?  Ridiculous to think Worley’s going to be anywhere near as effective and not just end up back on the DL.

Anthony Rizzo – That billboard counting down is not how many hours until the America’s Got Talent premiere, that’s until The Scer arrives.  The Cubs confirmed yesterday what I was saying on Friday.  Rizzo’s arrival, or arrizzal, is imminent.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 15 Ks. There’s the eggs Woody Allen was talking about that we need.  Hopefully, if you dealt with the bad half of the schizo-Scherzer, you also got this good half.

Rod Barajas – B*****s ain’t shizz usually, but, for those in deep leagues, B*****s has 2 homers in his last three games.

Greg Dobbs – 3-for-4, and .154 over the last week, but whatever.  I just want to rant about how stupid it is that Ozzie is splitting up Hanley and Stanton with Dobbs.  I get the whole righty/lefty thing, but is that really going to change how opposing managers think when they see Greg Dobbs?  It’s not like they’re saying to themselves, “I’d go to my righty here but Dobbs, who’s hitting .253 against righties over the last three years, will kill me.”  Move Giancarlo into the cleanup spot, I need RBIs!

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  After the game, his porn star brother, Gosh Johnson sprayed the team with what everyone is hoping was champagne.

Emilio Bonifacio – Ended up on the 15-day DL with a sprained thumb.  When asked how it was feeling, Bonifacio stayed true to his name and tried to put on a good face.

Derek Lowe – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.15.  He said he’d have an ERA under 2 if it wasn’t for Indians fans.

Mike Trout – 3-for-4, now batting .355.  At Sunday brunch, he had a mimosa, grapefruit wedges and a slam & two legs.  Trout homered and stole a base off Bass, something the media is calling “Fish on Fish” crime.

Vernon Wells – Headed to the DL with a thumb injury.  He’ll have some free time now to reply to all his fan mail that is meant for the actor from Weird Science, Vernon Wells.

Alexi Amarista – 1-for-6, with a steal.  He was the piece the Padres got from the Angels for Frieri.  Here’s what Bud Black said Scioscia told him, “The first thing (Scioscia) said was this guy can play six positions, he can feel comfortable with them anywhere, he swings the bat and he has some speed, so that versatility plays much better in the National League.”  Right, nothing at all like Maicer Izturis.  With the Padres now having (n)O-Dog, Amarista has been playing 2nd base.  In the minors, he hit for a decent average with speed.  In the majors, I could see him having a .270 average with 25 steals.  Definitely NL-Only grab.  I’d hold for now in most mixed leagues.

Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  I told you last week to grab him for his road trip and now he heads back to Safeco, so where there’s Smoak, there’s other options off the waiver wire.

Mike Carp – Has homers in back-to-back games.  Carpe Carp!

Wei-Yin Chen – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER as he was pitchslapped by Strasburg.  I’ve seen Tony Pena pitch better than Chen.  And Tony was pitching in a Home Run Derby.

Danny Espinosa – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his 4th homer.  Going on about ten days of hot schmotatoness.

Jesus Flores – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  If you lost Wilson Ramos, Flores could basically do the same thing.  And that’s a promise or my name isn’t Grey “El Toro” Albright.

Stephen Strasburg – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, but left the start with bicep tightness.  He said he should be fine for his next start.  He’s going to apply some Hot Stuff and then not touch his groin for the next five days.

Mark Ellis – Will be out for at least 6 weeks as the doctor performed an emergency procedure on him to relieve pressure in his leg.  The Dodgers will turn to Justin “The Inspector” Sellers and Elian “I Wouldn’t Mind Checking Out Miami Again” Herrera.  Elian and Sellers aren’t much to look at outside of deep NL-Only leagues, especially if they’re sharing time.  Since Ellis will be out, the Dodgers may now ask Flavor Flav to no longer stand above Dee Gordon’s head with his giant ticking clock.

Jeff Francoeur – 4-for-4, but I’m giving two of them to the now batting in the seven hole, Hosmer.

Wade Miley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I see you moving your cursor towards picking up Miley.  Stop and back away from your computer.  Go splash some coffee on your face.  You’re sleepwalking.

Brandon McCarthy – Went to the DL, but the A’s found no damage to his scapula.  Sounds like there should be a chicken in there, i.e., Chicken Scapula.  BTW, when you’re in a fancy restaurant and the waiter rolls up the cart carrying your entrees, make sure you say, “They weren’t joking when they said it was all a la carte.”  It’ll make you look classy.

An action packed week is in store for ya.  I know you can barely contain yourselves. Every single team has 7 games this week. Add in the fact that the start of interleague play is upon us and it is like a delicious fantasy burrito.  I mean who doesn’t like a great burrito, besides vegetarians and really weird people who don’t eat burritos.  Okay, I’m back; I had to go out and get a burrito. Where was I…Ah yes, this week in fantasy baseball for two start starters.  Man, that is clunky.  Either way, lots of really good options this week, for both maximizing on starts with some of the lads I have listed, but also the streaming variety.  So be heady this week, and keep in mind that some of your lineup selections will be affected by the no DH factor. So enjoy the 210 games of baseball action this week and good luck.  (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

5/16

Felipe Paulino vs Bal – Hunter

Chris Capuano @ SD – Richard

5/17

Jerome Williams vs CHW – Axelrod

Phil Hughes @ Tor – Hutchinson

5/18

Drew Pomeranz vs Sea – Beavan

Scott Diamond @ Mil – Estrada

TWO START OPTIONS:

Ryan Vogelsong ( Col vs. White, Oak vs Ross) I most definitely cannot sing, I can whistle though.  I would certainly not whistle a Vogel of anything, regardless of what it is.  Well, if it’s a huge piece of ice cream cake maybe.

Jeff Niemann (@Tor vs Morrow, Atl vs Delgado) If I were Jeff, I would most definitely have name my son Marcus.  Just for giggles.  Nothing gets kids to make friends faster then torment.

Bruce Chen (@Tex vs Lewis, Ari vs Miley) I wish he had a sidekick cat named Spot and posed as a janitor when he wasn’t pitching. To me that would make the world a better place.   Just don’t tell Sergeant Flint he is a drag.

Joe Blanton (Hou vs Harrell, Bos vs Lester) He should change his name to Blahton. He really isn’t blah, but compared to the other SP options in Philly he looks like vanilla in a sea of chocolate.

Ross Detwiler (SD vs Suppan, Bal vs Hammel) Looking at his home ERA makes me smile. You know what else makes me smile, not having to type out Tom Gorz-what’s-his-name’s name.

Anthony Bass (@Was vs Strasburg, Ana vs Santana) He would look a lot sexier if both of these were at home. That and the fact that he has to face St. Rasburg.  Oh, and if he sang “Take me to the river.”

Jason Vargas (@Bos vs Beckett, @Col vs Friedrich) One of those guys that looks better on your fantasy team, then everyone else realizes. I hope he changes teams midseason and pulls a Fister, literally not figuratively.

Wade Miley (@LAD vs Billingsley, @KC vs Chen) ERA is better away from Chase Field.  I wonder if it has to do with the ATM fees when you’re not banking at home.

Paul Maholm (@STL vs Lohse, CHW vs Peavy) If you like to roll the dice then roll Maholm for 4 straight wins, 1 earned run or less in each start.  Just don’t tell Marmol that he has a lead because he will want to blow on those dice.

Homer Bailey (@Atl vs Delgado, @NYY vs Nova) I couldn’t hate a fantasy player more than this guy. Okay,  I just got yelled at by my mom who said hate is a strong word.  I told her so is assisted living.

Christian Friedrich / Alex White (@SF – Vogelsong / Lincecum, Sea vs Millwood / Vargas) Combined they form the super tandem of White Christian.  Separate they may pull off the same feat.  I’m not hear to judge, there is a total separation between church and stats.

Bryce Harper and Mike Trout were called up by their respective clubs this weekend.  When Bryce left Syracuse for his first major league game, the grand opening of the “Eye Black Isn’t Just For The Ultimate Warrior And Owls” store turned into a Going Out of Business sale.  When Mike Trout left Salt Lake for the Angels, Bobby Abreu’s three year Going Out of Business sale came to an abrupt end.  Bobby, “I still have some seven-pitch walks to sell!”  With Trout and Harper called up, the minor leagues were closed.   There’s no more minor leagues.  In his major league debut, Harper looked like all that and a bag of douche.  Who over the age of twelve flips their helmet off when they’re running?  Wait, is he over the age of twelve?  Definitely more auspicious of a debut than Trout’s (or is that inauspicious?).  (NSFWUYWAAPPH (Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production House):  In case you didn’t see it, Harper roped a double to deep center while someone behind home plate dropped their pants.  (Here’s Bryce Harper’s first major league hit in motion.)  I can’t wait to go to Cooperstown in 25 years and see Bryce Harper’s 1st major league hit.   The curator showing a group of middle school kids, “Here’s the film of Babe Ruth calling his shot and here’s Bryce Harper with a booty call.”  In 50 years, Bryce Harper showing his granddaughter, “There’s your PawPaw getting his first major league hit.”  “PawPaw, are you the one with your ass showing?”  “No, sweetheart, that’s how fans celebrated baseball players when I played.  A great time to be alive.”)  Mike Trout, nor the fans behind him, flashed anything.  Whatevs, I like him better for this year.   I went over my Mike Trout fantasy back in November and it mostly still applies.  Only thing I’d change is how many ABs I gave him there.  There I gave him 55/7/30/.270/20 in 300 ABs.  Give him 400 ABs and his stats move to 70/10/40/.275/25.  Basically what you were hoping to get from Bourjos.  That’s giddy up, the un-sarcastic  excitement.  As for Bryce Harper, I like him a lot and he’s worth grabbing.  But he’s also worth trading if you can in redraft leagues.  He hasn’t really pounded minor league pitching since last July.  There were guys on his own minor league roster that were out-performing him.  He’s going to be a great one; I’ll give him that.  I just don’t think once Morse and/or Zimmerman return he’s even going to stay in the majors.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Scott Downs – The Sciosciapath replaced Walden after one blown save.  If only he was as reactionary with over 35-year-old outfielders.  Here’s a scenario:  Downs gets five straight saves and Walden scuffles in a set-up role because his confidence is fractured after being removed from the closer role that quickly.  In that scenario, Downs stays the closer for a few months, maybe the rest of the season.  Another scenario:  Downs blows a game and Walden’s back in there after a week.  More succinctly, you need to hold both guys.  Even more succinctly, hold both.  Personally, I don’t think Sciosciapath’s move is a long-term cure for Scott Downs’ Syndrome.

Peter Bourjos – Didn’t play for the Angels yesterday because of Mike Trout.  Bourjos also didn’t play on my fantasy team, because I cut him immediately when I saw he was losing time to Trout.  Later, schmohawk!  Thanks for the month of the .167 average and 1 homer and 1 steal!   Wish I would’ve known your last name was French for “Bore the crap of youse.”

Albert Pujols – For the first time in his career, Pujols is one day away from having his first homerless month.  Like how Roger Maris’s family followed around McGwire in ’98, Juan Pierre’s family will be following around Pujols.

Kyle Lohse – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Easily his worst start of the year.  Uh-oh, Mr. April may be done.  Hehe.  That’s punny!

Josh Hamilton – Left yesterday’s game with a stiff back, which is less embarrassing than a stiff front.

Tim Hudson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Pirates.  Not a tough matchup, but I wouldn’t mind Hudson as a 5th fantasy starter on a team.  He usually keeps his ratios in check and does decent with Ks — or simply oK.

Jay Bruce – 4 homers in 4 straight games with yesterday’s being a slam & legs.  BRUUUUUUU + UUUUUUUUUUU + UUUUUUUUUUU = Excitement for Red Square.  Damn, was supposed to equal excitement for Reds outfielder, Jay Bruce.  Think I forgot to carry a U.

Mat Latos – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners (0 Walks), 4 Ks vs. the Asstros.  Latos seems like a guy who asks you at the bar, “Did you say something to me?” like he’s picking a fight even if you didn’t say anything to him.  Not much to like about his ERA so far either (5.97).  I still want to remain patient with him.  He will get better.

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yankees.  The Emoticon just had a most impressive start on Saturday and has his ERA down for the count of 1.23.  Last week when I said to grab him, it was a bit of a “What the hey, pick him up” waiver wire acquisition.  Now, it’s more of a “What the hey, seriously, pick him up.”  His LOB% is a bit of an eephus that’s about to get smacked, but his K-rate should prevent him from falling too hard.

David Phelps – Will take over for Freddy Garcia in the rotation.  A terrible starter being replaced by a middling middle reliever.  Phelps looks like he might have a 4-ish ERA and a 7-ish K-rate.  Wouldn’t even be news if it was for any team other than the Yankees.  Maybe the Yankees can exact some revenge and trade David Phelps to the Mariners for the rights to Jay Buhner Jr.

Robinson Cano – Batting third for the Yankees for the first month and has 4 RBIs.  Chris Davis got 4 RBIs on Saturday.  The number nine hitter for the Orioles, Andino, has 6 RBIs.  I will now put on a gorilla suit and mail myself to Africa.

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 14 Ks.  I heard Justin Bieber’s Boyfriend song on the radio, and I immediately thought of Anibal.  No lie.  It’s not gay since his name’s Anibal.  It’s gay that I was listening to Bieber.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 with his 1st home run.  Is it bad I actually had to look at three different sites to make sure I was seeing right that he hit a home run?  Yeah, probably.  Now hit nine more tomorrow and we’ll be so cool again.  I’ll even massage your sore knee with my tongue.  What, it’s the strongest muscle!

Josh Johnson – 5 1/3IP, 5 ER.  Obviously got tired of that reputation that he could only pitch well when he was healthy.

Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-3; Jose Reyes – 0-for-3, as they both bat .205 on the year.  Maybe move both of them to 2nd base and let Omar Infante play shortstop and 3rd base.  I’m thinking of creative solutions; don’t kill the messenger.

Max Scherzer – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 3 Ks… Why was he pulled so early?  Oh, 14 baserunners in less than 5 innings.  Wow.  It’s nearly mathematical impossible to have 14 baserunners, only record 14 outs and only allow 3 earned runs.  I hate to give up on him and drop him to waivers, but I’d want to see at least one good start on my bench before starting him in any league.

Matt Thornton – Got the save yesterday.  My over/under for Santiago losing the job was the end of April.  Not too shabby.  Yeah, I do think Thornton takes over, at least that’s what I’ve been writing on this site that you are reading, but as of right now Ventura is still saying Santiago’s the closer.  We shall see.  Or not!  Your choice.

Gavin Floyd – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks as he took a no hitter into the 7th vs. the Red Sox.  But the Red Sox have Nick Punto, Marlon Byrd, Ryan Sweeney, Mike Aviles, Cody Ross and Kelly Shoppach in their lineup!  Somehow the Red Sox have been able to bamboozle fantasy owners into thinking they’re good, even though Sweeney, Aviles, Shoppach, Byrd, Ross and Punto are all guys coming from other teams where they were marginal starters.  Right now, the Red Sox lineup looks like cemetery of fallen fantasy value.

Jake Peavy – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If you Google “resurgence,” you’re going to find five articles about Jake Peavy and five about al-Qaeda.  Of those ten articles, 2 mention selling Peavy, 3 mention buying him and 10 mention injuries.

Edwin Encarnacion – Three games in a row with a homer and capped this three-peat (trademark Pat Riley) with a slam & legs yesterday.  I’m really happy for all his owners.  I’m not bitter at all.  I’ll probably get Edwin’s as-of-right-now stats (7 homers, 4 steals) from Ryan Zimmerman by August.  The RZ:  Brand new from Toyota.  Flashy exterior and tons of hype, then, as soon as you drive it off the lot, you regret the purchase and it breaks down for 5 months.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-4 with his 2nd steal as he sits on 3 homers for the year while Omar Infante struts around like Buddy Love.

Kenley Jansen – Got two saves this weekend.  Mattingly’s saying some shizz about Guerra needing a rest.  I’ll say Mattingly needs to give that a rest.  Mattingly seems like the type that can’t admit he was wrong (or so says his Rip Torn-ish looking, mugshot-taking ex-wife), so he may pull one of these deals where he never says Jansen is now the closer, but Jansen just starts getting saves until it’s obvious he’s the closer.

Chris Capuano – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  What’s this the longest post ever?  Maronna mia!  Yeah, I’d pick up Capuano.  Solid Ks in a good pitchers’ park.

Wade Miley – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s pitching above his head right now.  Well, he’s not a sidearmer.  Cute, Random Italicized Voice.  I mean, he can’t keep this up.  That’s what she said!  What?  Miley has NL-Only appeal for now, but I’d be careful in mixed leagues.

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-3 with a steal.  You know who Parra is playing like right now?  A guy that is getting a chance to play and wants to prove himself, i.e., he’s building a wall of stats to fend off any other Diamondback options, a *pinkie to mouth* Parra-pet.

Patrick Corbin – He was the pitcher the Diamondbacks called up for Monday’s start, relegating Collmenter to shoveling crap out of the bullpen.  “Hey, Shaw, will you stop pooping on the bullpen mound?”  “Why, we got Collmenter now.”  That was overheard in the D-Backs bullpen this weekend.  Corbin had a solid K/BB and could surprise some major league hitters.  The downside is he’s 15 years old (22) and probably is just a placeholder for Bauer or Skaggs.  BTW, Bauer and Skaggs opened for Big & Rich.  Their big song, “Save a Morse, Ride a LaRoche.”

Dexter Fowler – At four homers, he has 2 more homers than steals.  Fowler also weighs the same as one of Stanton’s thighs.  Cust killin’ myself.

Frank Francisco – Blew the save yesterday as the closepocalypse sweeps through the Mets.  Jesse Orsoco’s house fell on top of Frank Francisco’s legs and Ram-Ram got the save.  I don’t think a change of closer is imminent here, but that’s more because the Mets’ other options haven’t been great and my brain can only compute 17 closer changes per roundup.  Overload!  Overload!  Red alert!  Let me off the closerousel!

Tim Lincecum – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks cutting his ERA to about half what it was two weeks ago.  Sure, this game was against the Padres, who had one good hitter coming into this year and he’s now batting under .200 and in the 7th hole and his name rhymes with Maynotbeasgoodasyouthoughtbin, but I’m guessing it’s too late to buy low on Lincecum.

Wilson Betemit – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three games as he played third and made Reynolds’ excuse, “It’s not me, it’s 3rd base,” look bad.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 10 Ks.  You can’t spell Garza without Rza, so you know he got The W with no help from Ol’ Dirty Barney.

Grant Balfour – 0 IP, 3 ER and his 2nd blown save, Matt Capps just gives up runs for S’s and G’s and, while they might not be in the same team, Carlos Marmol seems to be picking up whatever it is that Collmenter is shoveling.  I don’t think any of them are in serious danger of losing their closer jobs (this week).  All three teams are going nowhere fast and they’d be better served to get to the trading deadline with a closer to trade.

Brandon Inge – About to sign with the A’s.  That’ll fix the A’s!  Goodbye, cellar!  There’s gotta be a Moneyball sequel with the little white kid from The Blind Side playing Inge and Don Swayze playing Billy Beane.

Bartolo Colon – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Remarkable turnaround of his career continues since his fat and bone marrow stem cell surgery.  At what point does Bartolo Colon surgery become as prevalent as Tommy John surgery?  It doesn’t seem like you need an injury to get the surgery either.  Get the surgery and you’re just good.  The doctor who did the surgery is out of Boca Raton, the old Jew shuffleboard capital of the world.  Soon we’re gonna have Ira Shlomowitz and Harvey Edelbaum, once legendary mah-jong players, throwing 95 MPH, and asking the home plate ump if they can go to their mouth, not because it’s cold, but because they need to adjust their dentures.  Having their choice of teams to sign with, Ira says, “I think I’m gonna pitch for the Mariners.  Seattle has great herring.”

In the doubleheader, Nate Schierholtz went 6-for-10 with a homer, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, steal and back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-etc. starts from Bochy, go ahead with your big head self!  “This is the year Schierholtz breaks out!  And fill up my Merlot!”  That’s every Giants fan for the last three years.  Then within a few weeks, he’s usually hurt.  If Schierholtz is indeed German for pantyhose, he sure gets rips in them quickly.  Maybe he should bathe in clear nail polish.  (See, ladies, Grey doesn’t forget about you.)  Schierholtz has power, he just needs to stay healthy.  For now, I’d pick him up in all leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tim Lincecum – Good news:  5 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  Bad news: 4 hits, 5 walks, 108 pitches.  Reminds me of my stat lines when playing backyard Wiffle Ball.  Maybe Timmy needs to throw to a Pitchback instead of a Posey.

Mike Gonzalez – Boras said Gonzalez is expected to sign with a club in the next ten days.  Boras better get a deal fast before the terrible closer bubble bursts.

Lorenzo Cain – Expected to come off the DL on Friday.  Make room in your fantasy cupboard for Cain…Sugar!

Josh Donaldson – After starting the year on a sub-.100 anti-tear, the A’s brushed him aside like the ABC makeup lady used to do to his grandfather’s hair.  He will be sorely missed by opposing pitchers, Fantasy Razzball managers, and frustrated owners in 2-catcher leagues who hoped he could outperform the Barajii of the league.

Adrian Beltre – Should return soon as the MRI showed his leg was normal.  Right above the foot and below the hip.

Francisco Liriano – Twins will skip his next start.  Guess that’s easier and more legal than getting John McDonald to drop a knee on his head.

Josh Willingham – Out until Friday on maternity leave.  A lesson in the birds and the bees brought to you by Grey Albright:  Nine months ago there was a Drillingham with a throbbing lardon, asking to porker and now there’s a baby back.

Derek Holland – 6 IP, 7 ER, 13 baserunners, 1 K.  An embarrassment to pitchers and mustaches everywhere.

Josh Hamilton – 1-for-4 with his 8th homer as everyone who didn’t draft Hamilton continues to have their balloon Burrst.

Hunter Pence – Missed yesterday with a sore shoulder.  Chase Utley scoffed and raised him a sore everything.

Michael Bowden – The key piece in the Byrd trade is headed to the bullpen as predicted here first after reading it elsewhere.  He was a top pitching prospect once, but had a pedestrian K-rate as a starter in AAA so they turned him into a closer where he showed some signs of dominance (10+ K/9).  Nothing to see right now, but, if he has some early success and Marmol is traded (as I think he will be), Bowden could be saving games by the end of the year.

Cody Ross – 2 HRs yesterday and another one on Saturday (his last game).  Hot schmotato!

Daniel Bard – Shut the door yesterday in the 8th inning, but Bobby Valentine said that there’s no “great temptation” to have Bard stay in the bullpen.  In related news, Valentine is going for psychological testing.

Jake Peavy – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 1.88.  I told you to draft him in the preseason, I drafted him in the preseason and then I dropped him.  Why do you make me rue?  I don’t wish to rue.  I’m fine with no ruing.  I’m stirring butter and flour in my soul!

Alex Rios – 3-for-5, hitting .360 on the season and hitting about .500 over the last week.  Cust kayin’.

Dontrelle Willis – The O’s confirmed that they signed Willis.  This was hilarious to me.  I imagine the O’s front office said, “Dah!  Yes, we signed Willis.  Stop mocking us!”

Chris Capuano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Is it the Year of the Cap?  Not probably, no.  But he could have end of the rotation appeal in mixed leagues and be one of those guys that’s cheap in NL-Only leagues that can really help you.

Michael Pineda – Headed for an MRI on Tuesday.  Here’s the Cliff Notes of a book I wrote (besides this one).  The name of this other book, “Signs of Trouble for Your Fantasy Starter.”  Chapter One:  If your starter is shut down and almost a month later they need an MRI, it’s not good.

CC Sabathia – 8 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks as he has an ERA of 5.27. Without looking at our Player Rater, I’m guessing his FIP is much lower.

Derek Jeter – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, batting .411.  So is he an Early Bird Special or a (Fill-in blank for term of older player who has a renaissance year.  Regarding that term that I asked for with Beltran last week.  I liked Ponce De Leon-g Balls, Hologram Tupac and Dead Cat Bounce, but Rudy nixed them.)?

Dillon Gee – 6 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  He alternated good start/bad start last year and he’s continuing this trend.  It’s pretty uncanny.  It’s like his job is to rope in and frustrate streamers and he takes his job very seriously.

Jason Bay – Left yesterday’s game with bruised ribs, which is nowhere near as delicious as braised ribs.

Hideki Matsui – Rumored to be signing a minor league deal with the Rays.  The Rays hope he still has a little left in the tank if they need a lefty DH.  Matsui just wants a job and heard good things about their potato chips.

Brandon Morrow – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Can we get Scooby on the Case of Morrow’s Missing Ks?  He only had 2 starts all last year of 3 Ks or less and he’s already had 3 starts this year like that and his other start was a 4 K effort.  His velocity didn’t look bad last night, but I’m starting to get concerned.  A guy who walks as many as he does (though he didn’t yesterday), isn’t very cute without Ks.

Krispie Young – Won’t return when his DL stint is up in 15 days.  With a ligament tear in his shoulder?  Really?  Here I thought a ligament tear was a good thing.  Just when you think you got the world figured out.  Wow.  File that in the surpriseapedia.

Wade Miley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Phillies (Just think, Phils fans, in another 25 years your team will be good again, not like the Red Sox who have to wait 80 years.), and Bauer’s call-up just took two steps back with this Miley effort.  The key word with Miley is serviceable.  That makes for good real world pitching and only matchups appeal in fantasy.

Justin Upton – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs as he hit his first homer.  Formally document it:  In the nick of time, Justin.

Eric Hosmer – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games and 4th on the year.  He’s still hitting .203, but I bet he’s about to go on a tear and be hitting near .260 by this time next week.  Get it, Hosmer, get it!

Tony Campana – 1-for-1 with 2 steals.  He stole 2nd base so fast that he actually overran it, ran all the way around the globe, causing time to rewind, and allowing him to steal 2nd again.

Jason Motte – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and the blown save.  What a follower!  Ooh, all the cool closers are blowing games so he figured he would too.

Bill Hall – Signing a deal with the Orioles to replace Josh Bell on the Triple-A roster.  Bell to Hall?  This is a big score for the equipment manager.

Arizona Diamondbacks 2011 Minor League Review

Organizational Talent Rankings via Baseball America:

2011 (23) | 2010 (28) | 2009 (26) | 2008 (20) | 2007 (3) | 2006 (1) | 2005 (13) | 2004 (13)

2011 Affiliate Records

MLB: [94-68] NL West

AAA: [77-67] Pacific Coast League – Reno

AA: [84-54] Southern League – Mobile

A+: [63-77] California League – Visalia

A: [67-72] Midwest League – South Bend

A(ss): [33-43] Northwest League – Yakima

R:  [41-35] Pioneer League – Missoula

The Run Down

Jerry Dipoto’s recent success as Arizona’s GM is well noted by now, as is his new gig with the LA Angels.  Dipoto leaves the Diamondbacks farm system flush with promising pitching talent.  The system that already featured frontline arms like Jarrod Parker and Tyler Skaggs bolstered their starting pitching even further by nabbing both Trevor Bauer and Archie Bradley in the first round of June’s draft.  Bradley is a couple years away from the majors, but Bauer is ready to make an impact in 2012, and should be on your mind come draft day.  The Arizona hitting prospects aren’t nearly as exciting.  Matt Davidson is a quality third base prospect, but he needs more time to develop and likely won’t see any time with the big club for a year or two.  Beyond him, the D-Backs feature a handful of okay-ish outfielders.  I’ll be surprised if any Arizona hitting prospect is fantasy-relevant in 2012.

Arizona Fall League Players – Salt River Rafters

Charles Brewer (RHP); Kevin Munson (RHP); Eric Smith (RHP); Bryan Woodall (RHP); David Nick (2B); Ryan Wheeler (3B); Adam Eaton (OF)

Graduated Prospects

Juan Miranda (1B); Paul Goldschmidt (1B); Josh Collmenter (RHP)

Players of Interest

Hitters

A.J. Pollock | OF:

After losing 2010 to elbow surgery, Pollock had a strong 2011 at Mobile, slashing .309/.359/.445.  He’s not your prototype outfield prospect, but he’s an outstanding contact hitter who reaches gaps regularly and he’s a heady baserunner (36 SB without impressive speed, mind you).  Scouts love his intangible baseball qualities.  Pollock will get to the big leagues based on that merit, and he might even stick as a third or fourth outfielder.

Collin Cowgill | OF:

Here’s another “intangible qualities” guy.  Cowgill has a head start on Pollock, though, compiling 100 Major League PAs in 2011.  At AAA in 2011, he slashed .354/.430/.554 with 30 SB and 45 XBH in 456 trips to the plate.  Like Pollock, Cowgill projects as a fourth outfielder.  But given the right situation, he could see regular playing time.

Pitchers

Trevor Bauer | RHP – SP:

Stephen ranks Bauer at number 26 in his Top 50 Prospects for 2012, noting some mechanical and college workload concerns.  Those concerns are warranted, given his frame and his unorthodox delivery.  But with an approach rooted deeply in biomechanics, it might not take long for the young righty to squash those worries, ala Tim Lincecum.  Bauer profiles as a top-of-the-rotation starter with an upper 90s fastball and a devastating curve.  The third overall selection in June’s draft should earn a spot in the D-Backs’ rotation out of spring training.

Tyler Skaggs | LHP – SP:

Skaggs should begin 2012 at Reno, which is quite an accomplishment for a 20-year-old.  His fastball is still adding velocity, and his curveball is a definite plus pitch.  There are some concerns regarding dropping his arm slot on off speed pitches, though.  It’ll be interesting to see if that becomes a problem for Skaggs in AAA.  He could be with the Diamondbacks for the second half, if things go nicely.

Jarrod Parker | RHP – SP:

After missing 2010 to Tommy John surgery, Parker threw 131 innings with Mobile in 2011, plus one start with the big club.  With a plus slider and a plus change to compliment a fastball that touches 100, I’m surprised that Parker’s 2011 K% (20.4%) wasn’t more impressive.  Solid mechanics and ace-type stuff should help Parker get back on track and earn a starting role in 2012.

Wade Miley | RHP – SP:

After starting seven games for Arizona in 2011, it seems likely that Miley will make his way into the bullpen for 2012.  As a starter, he profiles at the back of the rotation, but with the D-Backs’ surplus of frontline arms, plan on seeing Miley in middle relief.

Honorable Mention

Hitters

Adam Eaton | OF:

Eaton ranks behind both Pollock and Cowgill on the organizational depth chart, but he’s likely the best hitter in the bunch.  His on-base skills are fantastic (.456 career OBP) and he has ample speed.  For now, the major knock on Eaton is his size (5-9, 180).  It might not happen in 2012, but I have a hunch that he’ll emerge as the best of the Diamondbacks’ mediocre outfield prospects.

Pitchers

Pat Corbin | LHP – SP:

Corbin is a similar lefty to the aforementioned Tyler Skaggs.  He’s lanky, athletic, still adding velocity to his fastball, and he should be pitching alongside Skaggs at AAA in 2012.  Corbin falls short of Skaggs in that his secondary pitches are not as far along.