Did you know that Vapors song, Turning Japanese, is about masturbation? Because when said act is done, a man squints, hence turning Japanese. Things that are offensive aren’t always racist, but, in this case, they are. Too bad The Vapors follow up single, “When I Really Have To Pee, I Dance Like A Cherokee” never climbed the charts. So this morning, Selig, on advice from his toupee, is taking the greatest day, Opening Day, and putting it up against infomercials and a three hour loop of the Emergency Broadcast Network. Why the hell is Opening Day at 3:05 AM Pacific Standard Time, you ask. Because Selig is a f*cking idiot. That asterisk is a U, by the way. In case that wasn’t clear. Way to excite the next generation of baseball fans. Take Opening Day 6,000 miles west and have the two worst teams play. Could we not get the Padres to play the Washington Generals in Cape Horn? Anyway, for fantasy baseball, pick up anyone who may play, especially in H2H leagues. They’re all fair game. If I were you, I’d focus on the hitters. From what I’ve read, Japanese ballparks are smaller…. They’re definitely smaller than O.co and Safeco. I already grabbed Smoak in one league. If I saw Pennington and I had room, I’d get me some. Kurt Suzuki? What the hey! Seth Smith? Do it! Mike Carp, or as the Japanese say “Mike Sashimi,” grab him! Middle relievers or the starters for the 2nd game, Vargas and Colon, are fair game, too. Don’t drop anyone that is obviously valuable for your team just for a two game series that you can’t even watch because it’s four hours before dawn on the West Coast! But I’ll take any leg up on my competition because, remember, a leg up on the competition means you’re urinating on them. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Justin Smoak – Did he hit a home run this morning? I hope so, but I’m writing this prior to 3 AM Pacific Standard Time so I have no clue. Once again, eff Bud Selig.
Mat Latos – Left yesterday’s start with a mild calf strain. Latos said, “I don’t know the layman’s terms of what’s going on but I’m fine.” Isn’t that layman’s terms? Latos said he’d make his next scheduled start. I own Latos all over the place this year, and I’m not concerned. It’s not an arm injury; he should be fine, or however they say it in layman’s terms. Dusty’s Toothpick said, “Dusty and I plan on stretching Latos’s calf out on a medieval rack. He’ll be good as new,” then Dusty’s Toothpick stroked his white cat.
Sean Marshall – Dusty is saying that he might choose to go with the dreaded closerousel, right after I went over all of the fantasy baseball closers. Actually, I think this is a non-story. The only thing that could happen is Marshall falters in April and someone else steps up. Otherwise, Dusty will be all over Sean Marshall like Russell Brand was all over Sarah Marshall.
Lonnie Chisenhall – Optioned to the minors. Well, my last round grab in one league is already gone as the Indians went with Jack Hannahan. Maybe he threatened them with a liger.
Miguel Cabrera – Team doctors cleared him to get back to action and he should be fine for Opening Day. This is a happy day for Miggy owners. Miggy, “Is a happy day like a happy hour for twenty-four straight hours?”
Marlon Byrd – Nats and Braves have expressed interest. They are going for Marlon Byrd after striking out in signing his more talented brothers, Damon and Keenen Ivory Byrd.
Nolan Arenado - Casey Blake did not make the club with them opting for a blahtoon of Chris Nelson and Jordan Pacheco until Nolan Arenado is ready. This is surprising to me. Just yesterday I put up the 2012 fantasy baseball rookies post and left off Nolan Arenado because I didn’t think he had a legitimate chance for good playing time this year before midseason, but now I’m thinking we might see him as early as June 1st. If you’re not familiar with Nolan Arenado (BTW, his name only sounds right to me when you say the whole thing like Bobby Fischer or Mr. T), he won the AFL MVP (My acronyms got awards, snitches!). AFL line was .388/.423/.636 in 121 ABs with 6 homers to go along with his 2011 minor league line of .298/.349/.487 and 20 homers and 122 RBIs in 517 ABs. His minor league numbers were actually put up in a park that reduces home run numbers too. Now that I’ve tempted you by the fruit of his booms get a load of this –> He’s a 3rd baseman who will be playing his home games in Coors Field! Hello, beautiful, it’s good to see you. You are so not Ian Stewart. That flake. See, Nolan Arenado doesn’t strike out like a Donkey, Mini, Mini Mini or otherwise. He walks. He walks, you sexy beast! Also, screw you, Garrett Atkins! Go back to being a subject of the TV show, Whatever Happened to Garrett Atkins? Something that wasn’t mentioned during my effusiveness (that’s a real word! (I think)) is those minor league numbers were in High-A. He needs to see Double-A pitching, unless he’s a cyborg and he kills all pitching like Reggie wanted to kill the Queen. In redraft leagues for right now, it’s too early to pick him up or draft him, but, what can I say, Rockies get me excited or exited if C’s scare you because of too many games of Words With Friends. Now in keepers or dynasty leagues, I’d make sure to grab him later on for cheap when you’re filling out your bench.
Jordan Pacheco – Hey, his name sounds familiar… Oh, I just mentioned him. Yeah, he’s in the Rockies 3rd base blahtoon. He’s not much to talk about right now — so why do I keep talking about him?! Well, he has catcher eligibility in some leagues, so those in deep 2 catcher leagues, he could be a play.
Nolan Reimold – Blue Jays recently inquired about Reimold. I guess six outfielders/DHs isn’t enough. Maybe Reimold can keep company with my other post-hype-I-keep-calling-him-a-sleeper-but-when-is-it-happening Travis Snider.
Jerry Sands – Dodgers sent him packing to the minors, opting for Juan Rivera. The last time a Rivera replaced a Sands, they needed six bulldozers and permission from Bugsy Siegel. Colletti was probably enamored with Rivera’s one good month last year, which was a Mirage. I think it’ll turn out for everyone that this is a no Wynn.
Elvis Andrus – Left yesterday’s game with a tight hip. Rangers said he’d be fine by Thursday. Or, he’s too hip to be impaired, if you’re into Huey Lewis.
Scott Podsednik – Looking like a better bet to get a roster spot than Juan Pierre. He’s hitting .362 and yesterday he homered off the bench. I wonder who was pitching for the ball to go into the dugout so he could homer off the bench. Is Oliver Perez back in baseball?
Brent Morel – Hit a homer yesterday, which is whatever, but I just wanted to remind people about my Brent Morel sleeper post. I wrote it while washing my undercarriage.
Curtis Granderson – Was scratched with elbow soreness. I’m usually scratched with elbow itchiness. The Yankees don’t seem concerned, but they are sending him for an MRI. For those that didn’t listen to my Curtis Granderson overrated post, prepare for me to be gleeful if his injury is serious.
Wade Davis – Will head to the bullpen with Jeff Niemann going into the 5th starter spot. I’m not a fan of either guy, so this is whatever for fantasy, but I did notice an interesting resemblance with Jeff Niemann and this guy.
Mike Aviles – Red Sox announced he would be their starting shortstop. No surprise here; they just made it official by optioning down Iglesias, who would be a non-factor anyway for 12-team leagues unless you count UZR as a statistic.
Jack Cust – Released by the Astros. When pressed for comment, Jack cussed. He was a three outcome pickup – awful starter, mediocre bench pickup, or preseason cut. Cust kayin’.
This is almost the end of the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings. With these top 80 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball, there’s a few names that I’m really gunning for on my teams… My deeper teams. On last year’s top 80, there were a few guys that shot up the rankings (Hellickson, Anibal, Garza and Zimmermann), so I imagine a lot of you won’t need most of the names on this list, but there will be some. Now humor me. There’s tiers and projections mentioned for everyone. Anyway, here’s the top 80 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball:
61. Brandon McCarthy – This tier started in the top 60 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball. This tier ends at Peavy. I called this tier, “Holy crap, there were a lot of starters I didn’t like in the top 60 starters post. Let’s see some names I like. Please.” The first two guys in this tier could’ve been called, “Young pitchers who don’t strike out many that you should start at home.” McCarthy’s ERA at home was 2.65 and 1.11 WHIP. As said two sentences ago, McCarthy doesn’t strike out a whole lot of guys. Two Sentences Ago, “Why don’t you come up with your own points?” 2012 Projections: 8-11/3.50/1.17/140
62. Tim Stauffer – Last year Stauffer had a home ERA of 2.57 and a 1.13 WHIP. I’ll give this to you nice and simple like Minnie Pearl would’ve wanted it. Stauffer is a Hodgepadre. Start him at home and sit him on the road. He did have 94 1/3 IP innings at home last year, so you’re talking about a top tier reliever’s ratio stats if you hold firm when to start him. 2012 Projections: 8-10/3.80/1.24/135
63. Ted Lilly – I could’ve made a sub-tier within this tier calling these last three guys, “Pitchers that I refuse to learn from no matter how many times they burn me.” I really believe last year we saw the beginning of the end of Lilly. Fading Lilly, if you like pithy comments that sound like sushi restaurants. There’s some arguments to be made that that (stutterer!) is incorrect. He did come on in the 2nd half (2.94 ERA, 8+ K/9). If you believe his 1st half (4.79 ERA) was just an aberration on the that-ain’t-the-real-thing tip, then I could see grabbing Lilly late. For his price, it’s probably worth it. 2012 Projections: 11-8/3.85/1.18/160
64. Scott Baker – For those of you that can’t wait to read the end of this post just to comment that Lilly and Baker’s projections look better than Stauffer and McCarthy so why do I have them below? Don’t. Lilly is on the downswing of his career and Baker can’t stay healthy. Take an upside flyer with Stauffer or McCarthy before these guys. Those of you who didn’t read this blurb and commented about the order of the rankings, you’re not reading this either. Too bad, I would’ve had you say hello to your mother for me. Hey now! 2012 Projections: 11-7/3.65/1.19/160
65. Jake Peavy – If he can stay healthy, he could be valuable. Unfortunately, my man can’t stay healthy. Grey, you have no faith in medicine, The White Stripes. If I were the type to say completely unsubstantiated claims with no factual evidence, I’d say Peavy can’t stay healthy because he used to do steroids. I would never say that though. I’m way above that! Hopefully, there’s no my-momma-didn’t-name-me-that scandal with the reveal that he’s really Jack Peavy and actually 78 years old, but that would jive with all of his health problems. For those worried about the integrity of our great game, I do think the name scandals will soon end with all players selling their naming rights to companies. Now pitching for the New York Yankees… Saran Wrap! 2012 Projections: 10-8/3.75/1.21/130
66. Ryan Vogelsong – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Jackson. I call this tier, “You may get a number three fantasy starter or you may get someone similar to Nadir Bupkus.” Last year didn’t really make sense. Not in general, unless you’re trying to figure why you like baseball yet weren’t that crazy about Moneyball. I think you had to not like baseball to love Moneyball. But I was referring to last year not making sense for Vogelsong. He’s like 40 years old (34) and he just put up his best season, even though his peripherals (pitch speed, where the pitches were, etc.) didn’t get better from the last time he was in the States. Maybe he can repeat it. More likely, you’re going to get a good spot starter when he faces the Padres, Dodgers and some other weaker offenses. 2012 Projections: 10-9/3.75/1.26/140
67. Jonathon Niese – Last year, his ERA was 4.40 and now the Mets are moving in the fences and constructing a giant Madoff head to blow hot air out to right field. So why is Niese in a positive tier? Thanks, clunky expository question! He had a K-rate of 7.89 last year and showed in the minors that is about right and could be even a little higher. Also, he had a slightly off BABIP and poor LOB%, so he wasn’t really a near-four and half ERA pitcher, but probably three-quarters of a run better. All these good vibes about Niese make me want to do my Grind workout. 2012 Projections: 9-10/3.75/1.32/160
68. Bud Norris – You can’t predict wins. You shouldn’t even try. It is totally pointless. But since I had a “Totally Pointless” college degree this is right up my alley. You are not going to get wins with Norris. You will get some walks and nice Ks. I kinda want Norris on every team. Might even draft him on my AL-Only keeper team for when the Astros realign. 2012 Projections: 7-9/3.80/1.32/190
69. Mike Leake – His ground ball percentage was solid, walks were dropped by over one per game and his strikeouts increased (though not to a rate that is drool-inducing). If Leake can avoid dribblers through the vas deferns, he should have some success. 2012 Projections: 13-8/3.75/1.22/135
70. Ryan Dempster – I’m tentatively liking Dempster this year. His 4.80 ERA last year was H to the ideous, but he did have a 3.70 xFIP and a 8.50 K/9. I’ve seen worse stats. Some of the guys above him, for instance, they have worse stats. I don’t know the intricacies of his contract and I don’t think you should draft someone in March with the hope they’re traded, but wouldn’t shock me to see Dempster on a pennant contender before 2012 is through. Maybe he’ll go to the Padres, if the Yankees change their name to the Padres. 2012 Projections: 12-8/3.90/1.33/190
71. Edwin Jackson – Signed yesterday with the Nats, naturally. Looks like all the Nats needed to become a contender was to get rid of Bowden. Great addition for the Nats’ rotation. For fantasy, it’s a’ight. Earlier in his career, he was better in the AL than the NL, but now that he’s matured I think it was an immaturity thing. Funny how that works. Best case scenario is a 3.50 ERA and kinda icky WHIP. Worst case scenario is a 4 and a half ERA and icky WHIP. Speaking of which, I was thinking about what’s the best best case scenario of recent times and I have to think it’s The Jersey Shore. I can’t help watch the opening and think about how when they made that title sequence they all were probably glad to just be employed by a t-shirt shop, MTV almost axed the show before it started and none of them really had much chance for a future unless you count success by the number of acquired STDs. Now they’re all millionaires and it’s laughable that they would work at a t-shirt shop. Of course, the worst worst case scenario would have to be leaving the show a’la Angelina and not reaping any of its benefits. What a stunod. 2012 Projections: 11-10/3.80/1.35/160
72. Hiroki Kuroda – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Collmenter. I call this tier, “Solid, but unspectacular.” See, I will draft solid with a chance for spectacular. I’ll even take a chance on very risky with a chance for spectacular. But “Solid, but unspectacular” gets drafted around the time I want to take flyers, so I don’t bother with this tier. When you’re this late in a draft, it makes no sense to draft a guy like Kuroda, Danks, Buehrle, etc. Like any investment, they’re the last one in and first one out. It’s a shame that Kuroda was picked up by the Yankees. When he was on the Dodgers, he was a solid back end of your fantasy rotation starter that no one ever reached for. For whatever reason, everyone looked the other way even though his career ERA is under 3.50, WHIP’s under 1.20, walks are low and his K/9 last year was over 7. Oh, well. I wouldn’t draft him with your fantasy team in 2012. AL East and The Stadium They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built is two negatives that don’t equal a positive. 2012 Projections: 12-9/3.90/1.24/150
73. John Danks – I’ll admit I’m probably too down on Danks. He’s the very definition of solid, but unspectacular. A big issue with solid but unspectacular that I didn’t mention above. If for some reason you get less than solid, you get Danks’s 2011: 4.33 ERA, 135 Ks and 1.34 WHIP. That’s not even solid. At 27 years old, he should revert back to solid, but unspectacular. 2012 Projections: 9-10/3.75/1.28/150
74. Mark Buehrle – Gets wins, mid-3 ERA, lots of innings… What’s not to like? Oh, yeah, he strikes out about as much as Mystery in a college bar on “Ladies drink for free” night. 2012 Projections: 14-10/3.70/1.28/100
75. Ivan Nova – With a 3.70 ERA, he won 16 games last year in 28 games started. Basically, Blyleven would’ve been a first ballot Hall of Famer on the Yankees. If you’re chasing wins, I could see going with Nova, but chasing wins is a losing proposition. (<–Turn of a phrase point!) 2012 Projections: 14-8/4.00/1.33/110
76. Gavin Floyd – I’ve tied Floyd to Danks in my rankings for as long as I can remember, which sounds like a nerdy version of the Goodfellas voiceover. Floyd is a tad under Danks because of his age. There’s a better chance of Danks exceeding his projections than Floyd, but they’re both solid, but… Well, you know. 2012 Projections: 9-11/4.00/1.26/155
77. R.A. Dickey – I don’t like Dickey, not that there’s anything right with that. He’s totally blown away my projections the last two years, but I can’t trust a knuckleballer. I don’t like when I’m relying on a pitcher that has no idea where the ball is going. I’m sure he’s used to the hate. Can’t be easy going through puberty with a name like Dickey and being a knuckleballer. 2012 Projections: 10-9/3.75/1.27/130
78. Josh Collmenter – You thought I didn’t like Dickey? Try my dislike of Collmenter on for size. Too snug? That’s cause you have both of your arms in the same sleeve. Collmenter had a 5+ K-rate and a 4.18 xFIP. No Ks there is a than, but no thans. 2012 Projections: 8-10/4.25/1.24/110
79. Francisco Liriano – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until here. I call this tier, “Screw you, Liriano.” He got very lucky last year. No, not with his FIP or xFIP or BABIP or men left on base or with runs scored for. He got lucky I didn’t kill him. 2012 Projections: 11-11/4.30/1.35/155
80. Brett Cecil – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Volquez. I call this tier, “You’ll probably drop most of these guys by mid-April and may not even have the nads to start them once on your team, but you may as well take a flyer.” (The projections in this tier are optimistic.) I saw one ‘pert didn’t rank Cecil in his top 100 starters. I thought that was odd. He’s only 26 years old. Then I looked at mock draft results and he wasn’t anywhere. I saw Joel Pineiro. I saw Jason Hammel. I even saw Javier Vazquez. He retired. We’re all that done with a 26-year-old pitcher who was being drafted last year in the top 200? I don’t want to point any fingers, but you — yeah, you. Don’t look behind you. — were excited about drafting Cecil last year. Nothing in his stats say bounce back, but between him or Pineiro or a guy that retired, I’m going with Cecil. 2012 Projections: 12-9/4.00/1.30/145
After the top 80 starters, there’s a lot of names, but here’s some that stand out:
Homer Bailey - With a career ERA of 4.89, I’ve warded off Homer to use two of the better father names in the history of television. Now, I find myself seeing a scenario where I could draft him very late. His walk rate last year was more than one walk off his previous year. His K-rate fell a bit, but it’s still over 7. His xFIP was 3.77 and his team should win some games. Bailey is long overdue for a breakout. I’m saying sleeper and grab him late. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it until he defecates all over my ERA. 2012 Projections: 12-9/3.70/1.28/130
Chris Sale – If I had to, and I probably do, write a sleeper post about Sale or Bard, it’s a no-brainer. It’s Sale all the way. Sale’s only real question mark is how many innings will the Pale Hose throw him. (BTW, if I was writing newspaper headlines in 1919, I would’ve wrote “Paint the White Hose Black.” If there’s any time travelers reading this, take it, it’s yours.) I think Sale sees about 125 innings. 2012 Projections: 8-8/3.50/1.24/130
Daniel Bard – When the Sawx first announced Bard would start, here’s what I said, “The Sawx are toying with the idea that Daniel Bard should be in the rotation rather than as the closer. To incorrectly quote Gordon Gekko, “That’s a toy with fleas.” As a starter in the minor leagues, his ERA was 7.08 and walked 78 hitters in 75 innings. Granted, this was early on in his minor league career, but I don’t see the Sawx taking a pitcher that is actually succeeding as a reliever and stretching him out to fail. Then again, their rotation isn’t exactly five deep. Hopefully Daniel doesn’t stay *pinkie to mouth* Bard from the bullpen. Or should I say bullpun.” And that’s me quoting me! I still think the Red Sox make a last minute move to keep Bard in the bullpen and acquire another starter. 2012 Projections: 9-7/3.70/1.22/160
Brad Peacock – I already went over my Brad Peacock fantasy. It’s January Grey’s favorite post. 2012 Projections: 9-8/3.60/1.30/170
Edinson Volquez – If he gets 200 innings, he will strikeout 200 hitters. Look at the rest of this post and try to find another guy K’ing 200. So why isn’t he ranked higher? Well, there’s this little problem with him walking people like it’s his job. It’s not his job. If that’s getting lost in the translation, someone should tell him that is not his job. Yo camino no trabajar! 2012 Projections: 8-12/3.75/1.33/200
Ricky Nolasco – This is the last tier. This tier is called, “I didn’t forget these guys. I’m just not drafting them.” Nolasco hasn’t had an ERA under 4.50 in 3 years, but if you’re playing in a league that counts K/BB rates or guys that underperform, then by all means go with Nolasco. 2012 Projections: 12-9/4.25/1.29/150
Wade Davis – He had strikeout numbers in the minors, and I think those return from wherever they went, but I’m not drafting him on the assumption they will. Could be a nice during-season-pickup if he gets his shizz together. 2012 Projections: 10-10/4.15/1.35/115
Carlos Zambrano – Ozzie will either bond with Zambrano and have him produce his best year since the mid-naughts or their personalities together will become so combustible that Little Havana will break from the union and form the 51st state with Ozzie becoming Supreme Leader of Little Havana and having Zambrano executed. My money’s on the latter. 2012 Projections: 11-10/4.10/1.35/130
Johan Santana – The Mets are hoping to get 25 starts out of Johan. The Mets are saying he’s a question mark for Opening Day. The Mets pronounce players ready to return usually six months before they’re back on the field and they’re saying bad things already about Johan. Instead of drafting Johan, if you’re into torturing yourself, try meeting up with random people from Craigslist’s Missed Connections. Here’s one, “You didn’t tan, your freckles merged. Now I want our bodies to. I saw you at the Jiffy Lube on Tuesday. I can’t wait another 3 months or 3,000 miles.” 2012 Projections: 7-5/3.75/1.22/80 (in 120 innings)
Alex Gordon and Jeff Francoeur were shut down for the year because the peasant Royals want to give Lorenzo Cain and Jarrod Dyson a full three days to show their worth. Gordon’s line this year was 101/23/87/.303/17. Terrific! Wonderful! Tonderific! But if you peak under the hood, things aren’t as they seem. His BABIP is .358, easily a career high in the majors. His walk rate and line drive rate dropped from last year, and his ground ball rate nudged up. His homers and speed look about right, but if luck goes against him those two categories could get affected. He’s probably much closer to a .280 hitter with 17-20 homers and 12-15 steals. With just a tad bad luck, he becomes a fifteen homer guy with 10 steals and a .265 average. That’s far from spectacular. That’s spectaculess. I just made that up; you like it? You use it. As for Frenchy, his line was 77/20/87/.285/22. Oh, well, that looks pretty normal– Wait a second, 22 steals?! Where the eff in the effhole did those come from? His previous high was 8. He always failed to take pitches like he needed some ADHD medicine, but now he’s running the bases like it too. “Sorry, first base coach, whatever your name is, can’t stay at 1st, gotta run, peace!” That’s Frenchy, and he can’t even stop for a period at the end of sentences; he only has time for commas. He’s always been a notorious bad ball hitter. This year Frenchy swung at 41% of balls outside the strike zone, which is actually high for him, and his percentage of balls swung at inside the strike zone was actually down. Only thing that changed this year, he made more contact with pitches outside of the strike zone. If that stops along with his whacked out of his mind stealing, he may use 2012 to revert to his old ways, so it’ll be hard to give Frenchy my arrondissement. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to announce a very good friend of mine is putting on a one man show in Los Angeles. If you go see the play, you may just run into yours truly and my significant other — my mustache. If you can’t make it to Los Angeles or if you’re in Los Angeles but afraid to leave your house, you can buy his book. Anyway II, the roundup:
Hunter Pence – 3-for-5 with his 21st homer. Hey, that homer can drink legally! After Pence sat out for three games with a sore knee, it was good to see him return, unless you had him on your bench like I did. Sonavabench!
Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit his 29th, 30th and 31st home runs yesterday. For the Sox’s sake, it’s too bad he can’t pitch.
Francisco Liriano – 1/3 IP, 5 ER in middle relief. How’d he go from one of the best arms in the game to mop up duty? When Dr. James Andrews tells people 9 out of 10 pitchers agree with the good doctor, I think I know which one doesn’t agree. “I feel like Bruno Mars’s forehead, big and empty!” That’s Liriano talking through a translator.
Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three starts. I specify his last three starts, because the Nats have been sitting him every other game. It’s really important to get at-bats for Pudge, whose nickname wasn’t always ironic, and Jesus Flores? Rhetorical!
Stephen Strasburg – Nats announced he would have an innings limit next year. The GM said that innings limit has been semi-calculated. The equation he used was pretty straightforward: A Reinjured Strasburg = No Job.
Wade Davis – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Nice end to what’s been a pretty terrible season. His K-rate was atrocious and it wasn’t like he was getting unlucky with his 4.45 ERA. Usually the third year a starter is in the majors is when their breakthrough comes, which next year will be for Davis, but I don’t have high hopes here.
Jason Bay – Didn’t play Sunday and was pulled from Saturday’s game because of illness. Illness sounds like it should be managing the Mets.
Nolan Reimold – 2-for-4 with his fourth homer in the last ten games; also he’s hitting .300 over the last week. He’s either hitting really well recently, or it’s an illusion to get people to draft him again next year.
Robert Andino – 1-for-2 with a steal. After 136 games, he has 13 steals with 4 coming in the last week. I don’t get that. Did he just suddenly realize he’s fast? Was he auditing a summer class from the University of Phoenix on base stealing and he just passed? If you have speed, then run.
Brian Matusz – 5 IP, 6 ER. On the year, he gave up 59 earned runs in… Guess how many innings. Wait for it… Here it comes… Wait, where did I put it?… How did it end up in my glove compartment? Anyway, in 49 2/3 innings. That gives him the worst single-season ERA in MLB history (10.69). On the bright side, for the record he beat Halladay’s 10.64 ERA of 2000. Then again, Halladay was throwing with his left hand that season.
Grady Sizemore – Shut down for the year. Backdate that to the moment his flash went off in front of a mirror. Use any definition of the word flash you’d like.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Left Saturday’s game with an elbow contusion and didn’t play Sunday. On a side note, I think Asdrubal should follow Ichiro’s lead and have just Asdrubal on his jersey. Imagine parents taking their kids to a game and covering their eyes when they see Asdrubal.
Shelley Duncan – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer in September. I feel sorry for all those that had to high-five him during his torrid month. He’s always so intense. Here’s him at a post-game press conference.
Felix Hernandez – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks and was pulled from the game after being hit by a comebacker. Over the winter, I want a 500 word essay from him about what he did this summer that made me no longer love him.
Miguel Cabrera – Hit a homer in his third straight game, then left due to lightheadedness. After the game, he said he prefers Amstel Light-headedness.
Matt Holliday – 2-for-7 over the weekend as he returned. La Russa, wearing a jacket made from veggie burgers, said as long as Holliday’s healthy, he’s going to be out there. Now it’s a judgment call whether you should play him. I wouldn’t necessarily go back to him if I had options that were hitting.
Jose Bautista – After crashing into a wall, he stayed in the game for five innings only to then leave with a knee injury. I think he should be fine. My mom was right, I could’ve been a doctor. “But, mom, there’s a whole lot more zeroes in blogging. Though that’s not zeroes as in money.”
Brett Cecil - 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER and ends the year with a 4.73 ERA and 1.33 WHIP. Somehow, I’ll find a way to make him seem attractive yet again next year; you just wait and see!
Carlos Gonzalez – As reported here first on Friday after inferring shizz from other sources, CarGo is done for the year. As I said in the preseason, “He’s a bumps-and-bruises, miss-a-few-days-here-and-there type guy. Those day-to-day things can turn into more.” And that’s me quoting me!
Kevin Kouzmanoff – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and 2 homers. Don’t mess with The ‘Noff.
Josh Willingham – 1-for-4 with his 28th homer. I’d put $5 on The Other White Meat getting to 30 homers, if I were a betting man. Okay, if I were a betting man on things I actually know and not just random rolls of a die.
Torii Hunter – 1-for-3 with a steal yesterday, and a homer on Friday and Saturday. Not the same homer, that would be weird.
Vernon Wells – Slam & legs yesterday and 4 homers in the last 8 games. You looking at his 25 homers and 9 steals on the year, “Hey, Vernon Wells had a good year? Who knew?” You looking at his average, “He hit .220? Crimey a river, Justin Timberlake.”
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4 with his 30th homer and 101st RBI while hitting .293. I don’t get it, is he gonna try to renegotiate his contract?
Ian Kinsler – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a homer and two steals. Totally just padding his stats to get to 30/30 and I love it. This is why all players should have to own themselves in an H2H league with 50% of their contract in their fantasy league pot. I wonder if the union will go for it.
Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games, and he’s 7 for his last 13. Can you tell I don’t want the season to end? This is like the longest roundup ever. Bonifacio is hot, moving on…
Ricky Nolasco – 2 IP, 6 ER. Ends the season with a 4.67 ERA. Somehow, he’ll be hyped again next year by everyone but me. “Hey, ESPN analcyst here, and I want you to look at Nolasco’s strikeout to walk ratio. He’s awesome!”
Clayton Kershaw – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks and his 21st win to go along with his 2.28 ERA, 0.98 WHIP and 248 Ks. Even with an injured knee, that had Ethier dancing.
Justin Upton – Left the game after being hit in the head by a Lincecum fastball. Tests are showing no signs of a concussion. Too bad. I was hoping he’d return as Jason Bourne and bring down Justin Morneau for trying to kill my fantasy teams.
Asdrubal Cabrera strains his back, and, no “Asdrubal Strains Back” is not a sequel to a sci-fi porn movie. At this time of the year, any little thing can knock people for the remainder of the year. To help you picture what I’m saying, imagine this is April and we’re talking about Morneau. That’s how easily players can get knocked out. This injury comes on a day where Asdrubal hit his 24th homer. Even if Da ‘drubal doesn’t return, he gave you everything he had this year. Drubal took ’11 to 11. For next year, I’m pretty sure he’s going to be a tad overrated. He never hit more than 10 homers in any professional. He’s been consistent with power this year from month to month, but his HR/FB% soared away above anywhere it had ever been before. He should still be able to get around 15 homers next year, but if you get a 15/15 season, you’re suddenly wondering if a sure-to-be-underrated Jimmy Rollins isn’t a safer way to go. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Billy Butler – Missed yesterday’s game with the flu. Someone dump a Gatorade cooler of chicken soup over Butler’s head.
Yunel Escobar – To the DL with an elbow injury. Bobby Cox just wishes he injured it on Kelly Johnson’s face.
Brett Cecil – 3 IP, 4 ER which was followed by Kyle Drabek’s 2 IP, 6 ER as unrealized potential met yet-to-be-unrealized potential.
Doug Fister – Will be pitching in relief of Scherzer on Wednesday rather than starting as the Tigers get ready for the playoffs. If Fister is the relief, I don’t even want to know what Scherzer translates to.
Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. Freakin’ Braves with all the sexy young pitching, huh? Freakin’ Braves. I love them. Beachy, Minor, Delgado, Vizcaino, all of them. Now I know how Bill James feels when looking at Chris Davis. Shoot that poisoned arrow through my heart, Braves pitching staff minus Jurrjens, Lowe and anyone else I’m forgetting that I don’t like!
Alex Gonzalez – 2-for-3 with his 15th homer, then left with a foot injury. Comes a bad time because he was putting the coals in the fire, which isn’t an expression but should be.
Jason Heyward – 1-for-3 with a steal. 5 for his last 10 with a homer while batting in the 8 hole. Maybe he just needed to be in the 8 hole to be comfortable, or maybe he’s just really too good to be batting in the 8 hole. Hmm, wonder which one it is.
Pablo Sandoval – Hasn’t been able to bat right-handed because of a shoulder injury and might have offseason surgery to correct the issue. Or that’s a cover for Lap-Band.
Ben Zobrist – Returns to the lineup on Wednesday after taking time off for the birth of his daughter. No word on how many positions Mrs. Zobrist utilized for the birth, but – based on her profession – I’m guessing missionary on the conception.
Wade Davis – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Too bad he doesn’t play for the Jays, he could’ve relieved Drabek with his potentially-yet-to-be-unrealized-potential-that-might-not-be-potential-anymore potential.
Manny Ramirez – It’s being reported he’s going to play in the Dominican Winter League. He’s hoping to meet up with Miguel Tejada down there to reminisce about the salad days of the 90s. Maybe even start up a band, Man-Ram and the B-12 with their lead single, “Just Give Me A Shot (Of Your Sweet Sweet Estrogen Therapy).”
Adam Dunn – 2-for-6 as he doubled his season hit total. No, wait, he doubled twice. Sorry, honest mistake.
Dylan Axelford – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks. He was coming off a decent start vs. the Tigers but you shouldn’t have went anywhere near him for this start. Though I can understand how you could get seduced by his conglomeration of cool names.
Bud Norris – Left his start with a sore shoulder. He’s done for the year. Or as they say in Spanish ‘ano completo.’
Kyle Blanks – Left the game with a right quad strain. Seventeen men helped him off the field.
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-4 with a steal in the first game, and didn’t start the 2nd game. He should’ve though because he’s seeing the ball well. He’s hit in every game he’s started but three since August 1st. (Sure, he’s missed about 20 games in there, but whatevs.)
Alex Liddi – His 2nd game in a row with a homer. In broken English, he told reporters, “I drink your pizza! I drink it up!”
Tom Milone – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. Second start solid start for Milone. He looks to be in the Slowey mold back before Slowey got screws put in his wrist and then put the screws to his fantasy owners. Once upon a midnight dweawy, Slowey pondewed weak and weawy what could’ve been. I still wouldn’t trust Milone if he gets one more start, but he’s now on the radar for deeper leagues in Twenty-Twelve. Or as I’m gonna call it twelve past twenty.
Ross Detwiler – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. Phils are in serious coast mode.
Danny Espinosa – 3-for-4 with his 20th homer. You’re probably thinking to yourself, I don’t have the profiteroles to go with the cannoli to like Espinosa again next year. You, sir, don’t know my pastry prowess.
Erik Bedard – 2 2/3 IP, 1 ER (3 unearned). Of course the Sawx want to get to the playoffs, but has anyone seen their last four starters? Wakefield, Weiland, Lackey, Bedard… So, they gonna pitch Lester and Beckett on one day rest throughout the playoffs?
Clay Buchholz – Threw a simulated game. Unfortunately, he gave up 7 runs, but the 1976 Cincinnati Reds are a tough Strat-o-Matic matchup. Damn you, George Foster!
I started writing this week and kept getting distracted by the notion of a “tease” starting pitcher. These are guys we all see available every week at the top of our waiver wire. For some reason they hop on and off rosters, faster than the Easter Bunny. They all for some reason have an attractive quality, whether it be a great matchup, a previous decent start or just a general boyish quality that we find irresistible. We see the numbers they produce and sometimes numbers tell a different story than what really is going on for fantasy purposes. In the end, it comes down to picking a starting pitcher in a must win week is the same place that $30 steak goes to digest. So with the eve of playoffs upon us, here are the lower end 2 start options for the week. Good luck and happy fantasying. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change, especially with Irene running havoc.)
ONE START OPTIONS:
8/31
Brandon Beachy vs. Was – Lannan
Chris Capuano vs. Fla – Hensley
Ted Lilly vs. SD – LeBlanc
James McDonald @ Hou – Happ
Josh Collmenter vs. Col – Rogers
9/1
Fausto Carmona vs. Oak – Gonzalez
Luis Perez @ Bal – Matusz
9/2
Bruce Chen vs. Cle – Masterson
Guillermo Moscoso vs. Sea – pineda
Jeff Karstens @CHC – Dempster
Charlie Morton (@Hou vs. Sosa, @CHC vs. Wells) Was pitching well up until Thursday. 3 ER in previous 29 innings. Jersey guys always get a little extra juice from me, hey, I’m a homer. Go root for your own state.
Brett Cecil (@Bal vs. Reyes, @NYY vs. Sabathia) We all root for the glasses, whether we admit it or not we do. Is a typical tease fantasy pitcher, shows the goods, does bad gets dropped, rinse and repeat for next scheduled start.
Wade Davis (@Tor vs. Romero, Bal vs. Simon) ERA right at 3 in last 4 starts, and showing better K rate. Pitches better at the Trop and I gamble more at the Trop, so the Baltimore start looks like a winner to me. This lesson in transitive theory is brought to you by Gamblers Anonymous.
Javier Vazquez (NYM vs. Pelfrey, Phi vs. Hamels) If consistency were pants, he would be wearing cargo jorts. Recently moved into the top 30 all-time in K’s, congrats. We come for the K’s and cry when we get everything else.
Livan Hernandez (@Atl vs. Lowe, NYM vs. Pelfrey) I don’t know if anyone watches his starts, but he is fun to watch. Throws slower than his jersey number. Is the Latino Houdini of pitchers, better known to those in the know as El Mago.
Doug Fister (KC vs. Francis, CHW vs. Buehrle) Since trade he is 3-1, with an ERA in the mid 3’s. Toss that record out the window, make sure the window is open first, genius. It’s not next year but a full year in Detriot with that offense and he is a 15 game winner.
Brandon McCarthy (@Cle vs. Tomlin, Sea vs. Vargas) Loved his work in Mannequin. Is in the growing trend this week of tease pitchers, cusp rosterable guys that matchup-wise are more attractive.
Homer Bailey (Phi vs. Worley, STL vs. Garcia) The Iliad, a funny catchphrase and a civil rights activist. See Homers have actually done something good in history. What you see is what you get, he isn’t the former top pitching spec we all want him to be. Sorry, I hear hearts breaking all over the Midwest.
Derek Lowe (Was vs. Livan, LA vs. Kuroda) Team is 20 games over .500 and he has 23% of the losses. Yeah, that sounds awesome from a fantasy perspective. So grab your sneakers and chase those wins.
Blake Beavan (Ana vs. Pineiro, @Oak vs. Cahill) On here for 1 reason, he has beat both these teams previously. Tends to get beat up by good hitting teams, which for the less in the know means his secondary pitches aren’t inspiring. Doesn’t K enough for full fantasy usefulness.
