Fantasy Baseball Advice

Was talking to some friends the other day and one of them thought Ichiro Suzuki was the best all around player he had ever seen.  No, he wasn’t Asian or wearing a Buhner jersey.  He made his case — defense, cannon arm, can hit any pitch to any field, speed, etc.  I countered Rickey Henderson was better.  Then somehow it dissolved into how did Bud Selig let steroids ruin baseball.  But when he said Ichiro, it wasn’t a slam dunk, “We’re only on our second pitcher of Molson.  How are you already drunk?”  It was a point to consider.  I guess in fantasy baseball sometimes we forget about how great players were or are and only concern ourselves with the numbers.  Ah… Nostalgia, I remember you!  Well, the numbers say Ichiro is currently ranked 56th for Runs for all outfielders.  Behind some stalwarts as Fukudome, Teahen and Skip Schumaker.  He’s currently ranked 100th in RBIs just behind Joe Thurston.  Hey, he’s got speed though, right?  He has 12 steals.  The same as Vernon Wells.  Ichiro is terrific for average, but that’s only getting you so far.  He’s extremely valuable for average.  If you need a boost there, then by all means trade for him.  But if you’re fine on average or hurting elsewhere, I’d look to trade away Ichiro.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Chad Gaudin – NL West starter?  Oh, Grey must own him. I do, random italicized voice.  But get a load of this, he has an over 9 K/9.  Sure, he could flipping walk Alfonso Soriano and Chris Davis on four pitches.  But so what?  He’s a 5th to 6th fantasy starter.  You’re not relying on him to anchor your staff. (But if you do find your staff is anchored.  Try Viagra.)  Right now he has a 4.04 FIP and a 5.60 ERA, so he can and should be better going forward.  He’ll do you no favors on WHIP, but even if you’re only starting him at home — go for it!

Kevin Correia – I smell a theme coming on, son.  A theme coming on.  Honestly, if Livan Hernandez pitched for the Padres, I’d probably own him in one league.  Correia has a 2.90 ERA in June, about a 8 K/9 and an under 1.00 WHIP.

Joe Blanton – What, no Josh Geer?  Blanton was a 5 K/9 coming into this year.  He’s over 8 so far this year.  Don’t wait for answers, just take your chances.  Don’t ask me why.

Everth Cabrera – SAGNOF!

Scott Hairston – Really hasn’t earned all the pub I’ve been giving him, but he’s batting third yadda yadda yadda.  Okay, now I really have to abandon the Padres theme.

Pat Burrell – Member how hot Luke Scott was a month ago?  Burrell can do the same.

Mike Cuddyer – Could get 2nd base eligibility this weekend in some leagues that only need a few starts.

Leo Nunez – Should get the majority of the saves for the ‘lins.

Dan Meyer – SAGNOF, but he might be just a quality middle reliever.  So those in Holds leagues, HAGNOF!  Actually, Holds do have a face.  And they look like Tackleberry.

LaTroy Hawkins – Valgreen’s may get traded before the deadline, so this could give Hawkins a chance to further shake his Cuddle Boy label.  I’d grab him if you have room.

Wladimir Balentien – With vampires being the zeitgeist right now, it’s only natural that Wlad the Lunchpailer would be a popular add.  Yum, a 4th outfielder and cheese sandwich.  (BTW, isn’t it odd how dated the word zeitgeist is?)

Jordan Zimmermann – You’re showing Jordan Zimmermann, the dealer’s showing John Lannan.  You win.

Homer Bailey – Picture this, Homer’s given up 3 runs, but he’s in line for the win.  You’re ecstatic.  You call your estranged Auntie Marie in Pensacola and tell her you want her at the family reunion.  Then Dusty runs Bailey out there for the sixth inning where he gives up 17 runs.  In archaic words, caveat emptor.

SELL

Grady Sizemore – With the Indians treading water in the AL Central, the smallest setback to Grady’s elbow could shut him down.  He just hit a homer and he looks to be back.  Terrific!  Last week, we said, “If you can trade him for 80 cents on the dollar (say, Alexis Rios, Granderson, Holliday, etc.), do it in a heartbeat…..Crazy that the most Grady player on the Indians might be Shin-Soo Choo.”  And that’s me quoting us!  Now don’t sell him for a can of Coke Zero and a pufferfish, no one said to do that.

Nick Blackburn – More of a hold than a Sell, but I just can’t get behind a pitcher who has 41 Ks in over 100 innings.  He could be great for the rest of the season, but I’m not buying into it.

Scott Rolen - Hitting .330 so maybe some of youse are thinking Rolen’s, um, rolling.  But he has 5 homers and 3 steals.  Who is he?  Crapolanco?  His career average is 50 points below where he is now.  Regression right ahead!

George Sherrill – But he’s practically a donkey-corn!  The Orioles may trade Sherrill and his new destination may not include saving games.

Johnny Cueto – Pimple-faced teenager runs in front of your car, “Watch out, Mister!  Johnny Cueto is falling back to earth!” You stop short and Johnny Cueto falls in front of your car.

Matt Palmer – Thud!  That was Matt Palmer falling on top of Cueto.

Josh Hamilton hits the DL and could be out for two months.  I’m not one to say I told you so, but… Man did I call this one!  Schadenfreude, snitches!  Sorry, I had to get that off my chest.  Really, no one could’ve saw this coming…. Except me!  Sorry, hiccup.  Of course, Hamilton’s injured.  He was abusing his body like Pookie for five years of his life.  Hey, great that he’s snuffed out the glue sniffing, but that takes a toll on your body.  Look at Courtney Love.  She’s like 40 years old and she looks older than the 75-year-old guy who turns on the lights for your bowling lane.  Then you throw in the fact Hamilton can’t take painkillers for fear that he might relapse so he’s stuck taking Airborne… Bleh!  All adds up to trouble.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edinson Volquez – Yesterday, I said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if Volquez ends up back on the DL.” And that’s me quoting me breaking bad news to you again!  Turns out the finger numbness was elbow tenditis.  Pitchers with arm troubles yadda yadda yadda.  It ain’t good, guys and two girls that I know of that read Razzball.  (The Ladies love the ’stache!)  Volquez is not a buy low.  I hope you all listened when I said not to draft him this year.  The Reds are spinning it so it sounds optimistic, saying he should be back in two weeks.  Um, wasn’t that what they said two weeks ago?

Zach Duke – 7 IP, 1 ER vs. the Mets.  Kinda surprised the Mets were able to find nine guys for Duke to face.

Milton Bradley – Fun for all ages strained his calf running to first.  Umpires around the league won’t have to look over their shoulder for the next few days.

Jesus Flores – Gonna be out for the season.  Bummer as the Flores Fan Club was just picking up steam with Randy Flores joining.

Troy Glaus – Swinging a bat next week.  Wasn’t he just about to get shutdown for the season?  Anything to get in the papers… in the papers.  If you have an open DL spot, I’d stash, but expect nothing.

Jordan Schafer – Was demoted for Gregor Blanco.  This one hurt me hard in my Razzball league.  Schafer was leading the world in sucking the first two months of the season.  I’m going to look at Chris Burke next.  Hopefully, Burke sees enough time to prove his invaluability.

David Murphy – 2-for-4, one steal.  I grabbed Murphy in one deep league to fill in while Beltran digs on the swine.  I don’t recommend Murphy for 12 team leagues yet, but deeper leagues can look at him.

Joakim Soria – Returns from the DL.  Not soon enough as Cruz began to sputter.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Left the game with a shoulder injury.  Get well soon, Asdrubal.  Your name makes me giggle.

Evan Longoria – Left the game with a tight hamstring. He’s day-to-day, and should be fine after Tony Parker draws him a nice hot bath.

Randy Wells – 7 IP, 1 ER, and a no-hitter into the bottom of the 7th.  I wonder if he’s related to Dan Haren.

Derrek Lee – HR yesterday. Now has his average up to .253.  I know, big whoop!  But, and I might be alone on this island, I think he’s got a month or two hot streak in him.  Not an insane .400/40 homer-type streak, but a hot one nevertheless.

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 4 ER, 14 Ks and 133 pitches.  He looks like Howdy Doody, but he’s a machine.  I am Rowdy Halladowdy and I must kill Sarah Connor.

Joe Saunders – 5 1/3, 6 ER.  Saunders is the new blech.

Kelvim Escobar – Will start this Saturday vs. the Tigers.  I have him stashed in one league.  Probably be a game time decision on whether I start him.  It’s not a 12 team league.  I wouldn’t start him there.  Not worth the headache.  Just wait to see how he does the first time out.  Honestly, I don’t have high hopes for him to stay healthy, but he’s worth a flier.  The nice thing about Kelvim Escobar is that when he’s been healthy, he’s been effective.

Alex Rios – HR yesterday.  Now .471 over the last 7 with 2 HRs.  Hey, looks like a little razzing has got Rios running through it.

Rick Porcello – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER and pulled after 84 pitches.  This doesn’t seem very Leylandian.  Was it bring your grandson to work day for the Tigers?

Matt Joyce – 3 homers now in 5 games.  What, Gabe Gross is going to steal time from him?  I now own him in three leagues.  I lost Gamel, a middle reliever schmohawk and Krispie, respectively.

Ben Zobrist – The verse is, “The Zo hit another homer.”  The refrain is, “Of course, he did.”

Kevin Slowey – He’s now 8-1 after a 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER performance.  Ladies and gentlemen of the comments, I’m just a simple fantasy baseball ‘pert.  I do not understand your ways.  Your world frightens and confuses me, especially when you ask me if you should trade away Slowey.  What I do know is Slowey’s been excellent.

Manny Parra – 4 IP, 10 ER.  I said to Sell him last Friday, so I’m absolved of this.  But in one deep league, where there’s few options, I had Pena, Parra, Peavy and Wolf go yesterday.   That’s 23 earned runs in 11 and two-thirds of an inning.  Instead of buying me a daiquiri, perhaps we should go for cyanide.

Jake Peavy – 1 IP, 4 ER. Had the flu.  A’la Ralph Fiennes, “I pardon you.”

Antonio Bastardo – 6 IP, 1 ER.  If only his first name was Ubaldo, then he’d officially have the most badass name in the history of the planet.  Solid major league debut, but it was against the Padres.  I wouldn’t start him against the Dodgers next time out, but I’d grab him in deep leagues to see how the Bastardo does.

David Hernandez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Mariners and, no, Ichiro didn’t hit 5 solo shots.

Dexter Fowler – Not only has he stopped hitting, but he’s not stealing either.  He has a lot of promise in keepers, but in one year leagues you need to be looking elsewhere.

Miguel Tejada – 4-for-6 and leading the National League in batting.  Here’s a preview of Friday’s Buy/Sell:  Miguel Tejada – Sell.

Vin Mazzaro – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER in his major league debut.  Mazzaro’s from Hackensack, En-Jay.  Fun fact:  That’s where Grey was born.  Betcha he knows where to get a great slice of pizza.  Okay, nostaglia out.  I wouldn’t pick Mazzaro on any team.

Randy Wolf – 6 IP, 5 ER.  He’s been too good up until this point, so I didn’t cut him in any league.  Though I felt like cutting myself.   RIP, Frankie from The Real World: San Diego.  You more compelling than Irene “I’m Crazy From Lyme’s Disease” any day.

Tony Pena – 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  I know Tony Pena.  You, friend, are not him.  Goodbye!

Dan Haren – 7 IP, 3 baserunners, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  After the game, Haren said, “That Tony Pena was an imposter.”

Chad Qualls – Was available last night for the save.  Unfortunately, there was no save.  I’m still looking at you, Pena.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-4, 2 Ks.  Like clockwork, this guy gets to .260 then he tumbles to .230.  It’s the patented Reynolds Whap.

Raul Ibanez – 2 HRs yesterday.  He don’t need no stinkin’ Citizens Bank.

John Maine – Supposedly, a Mets TV crew member has swine flu and has infected everyone, except Mr. Met.  The Mets said Maine should be cured by Friday.  And, as we know, when you cure the swine, you get prosciutto.  Ah… That never gets old.  Never!  Now don’t forget to tip your waitresses.

Carlos Beltran – Also with Swine.  Now I know how the flappers felt when they thought they lost their shortstop, Arky Vaughan, with Polio in the summer of ‘35.  Grey, see, I’m starting Arky, but Skeeter Newsome is on waivers and I’m in a ten way tie for first in homers with 3.  Should I make the switch, see?