Fantasy Baseball Advice

David Wright has a stress fracture in his lower back.  It’s the new Mets, same as the old Mess!  I find it hard to believe this is still The Curse of the Shirtless Bernazard, but who else is evil eyeing them?  George Foster?  (BTW, If George Foster ever evil eyed you for longer than 5 seconds, you’d turn to stone.  Fact!)  The Mets are downplaying Wright’s injury, but what else is new with the Mets?  Let’s look at their truthiness in some recent reports:  In 2009, “Reyes will be out for a few days.”  In reality, he’s only fully recovered two years later.  In 2009, “Beltran will be out for three to five days.”  In reality, he missed two seasons.  “K-Rod and his stepfather, an up and coming videographer, were remaking the “Beat It” video.”  In reality, K-Rod blew Kabuki white powder into his stepfather’s face and hit him over the head with a metal chair.  So the Mets are saying Wright might miss only a week and a half to two weeks.  Um, okay.  Even if he returns quickly, a stress fracture in his lower back isn’t going to hurt his power?  Yeah, that’s rhetorical.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Reyes – 2-for-5, 2 steals.  Now has 16 steals on the year.  How do you motivate overpaid athletes?  With the allure of being vastly overpaid.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 Ks.  That’s nice, I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him and I throw like a girl.  My apologies to our three girl readers, I’m sure you are all bulldykes with strong arms.

Hanley Ramirez – Moved to the two hole, which is where you find crap, and he went 0-for-6.  Voila!

Josh Johnson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Left the game with a forearm contusion.  No word yet on how long he’ll be out, but once someone reads it somewhere else they will update us in the comments.

Justin Turner – Overdrive!  2-for-5 with a double and a RBI.  Know why I mentioned the double when I don’t usually?  Cause I’m trying to find nice things to say.  Go with it.

Cliff Lee – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners (6 BBs), 4 Ks.  Six walks for The Adverb?  Did he throw that many all of last year?  Hopeful Lee, it’s just a mechanics thing-a-ma-whosie.

Chase Utley – Could be back within the next two weeks.  So this is either a great time to sell or hold.  I don’t think I’d buy unless I really needed to shake things up on my team and I could get him for cheap.  If your entire league is tentative because of Utley’s recent health track record is rivaling that of the “It’s merely a flesh wound” guy, then you hold.  If someone wants to take the risk for a decent price, you sell.  Deal?  Yeah, deal.

Dustin Ackley – Guess what ya’ll we’re gonna talk about the Mariners!  Snooze.  But we’re talking about the top Mariners prospect!  Yawn.  But it’s Dustin Ackley and he hit 5 homers and stole 2 bases in Triple-A last year over 237 plate appearances!  Burp.  So far this year, he’s been better with power and speed — 5 homers and 6 steals through 38 games.  His average has been yawnstipating at best.  Speaking of yawnstipating, Ackley’s projected for the kind of numbers I don’t like in fantasy.  He’s potentially a 12/12 guy this year if called up within the next two weeks, as it’s being reported he will be.  Assuming he has 2nd base eligibility (which he does not yet have in Yahoo for some godforsaken reason), he’s a MILF (Middle Infielder I’d take a Flyer on).

Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks with his 5th win and a 2.45 ERA on the year.  He’s great, I like him a lot, so don’t take this the wrong way, but the Twins’ hitting is offensive in all the wrong ways.

Colby Rasmus – Strained muscle in his stomach.  He’s saying he’ll be fine.  You know, Colby’s a survivor.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-4 as he started at third base.  Tony La Russa said, “I feel bad about what I’ve been doing to people’s fantasy teams with my indecision regarding a closer, so I thought I’d throw the nerds a bone.”

John Lackey – Sent to the DL.  The Red Sox said his elbow strain might have something to do with his 8.01 ERA.  So, does that mean he’s been hurt for the last two years?

A.J. Burnett – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Hey, 2010 A.J. Burnett good to see you.  Say hello to your mother for me.

David Price – 5 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Was a tough matchup against Curtis Granderson, who hit his 14th homer.  Who are you, Curtis Granderson?  Why are you trying to steal Jose Bautista’s thunder?  He is Joey Bats.  Who are you, Courtesy Gratin?  What’s that, free cheesy tater tots?  That doesn’t even make any sense, and neither does your insane power.  Now go to your room.

Johnny Damon – Hit his 7th homer.  Has 6 more homers than Morneau.  Of course he does, the world makes perfect sense!

Derrek Lee – Strained oblique.  That’s sad for Lee and his family.  No one else should care.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I blame his lack of run support on his searching-for-Golem sounding name.  Chabon would’ve gave him the win.

Andy Dirks – 1-for-2.  Member when I said I was half-joking about Leyland batting Dirks 3rd?  Yeah, he batted him 2nd instead.  Theory!  With the rise of cigarette prices, Leyland has been forced to use his extra lineup cards for tobacco rolling paper.  So he only has one lineup card and he just puts players in the same lineup spot as the player they are replacing.

Jhonny Peralta – 1-for-4 with his 6th home run.  The Silent H has 4 homers in his last 5 games.  He too is hotter than a habanero’s ass.  Still don’t know what that means but if I say it enough times it’ll catch on.

Aroldis Chapman – To the Disgraceful List.  It’s always amazing to me how clubs can get away with DL’ing someone who isn’t injured but is simply sucking.  And, perhaps, that’s neither funny or interesting.

Jonny Gomes – Hit a home run and that usually means five more will follow.  Though, to be honest, I didn’t realize how poorly he’s been.  He’s down to .188 on the year.  Yo, Gomes, you need an oddly-placed H in your first name.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  You’re welcome.

Paul Maholm – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Nats.  Sorta glass half full:  Sure, it was an easy match-up, but he’s now pitched well in six of his last 8 starts.  Sorta glass half empty:  His strikeouts to walks isn’t pretty.  Sorta who cares:  It’s Paul Maholm.

Danny Espinosa – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer.  All he does is hit home runs!  Kinda true with his abysmal average (.196 on the year).

Cole Kimball – 1 IP, o ER with the win.  That Cole Kimball sure plays a mean baseball!

Colby Lewis – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Really pulled his shizz together in May.  April ERA 5.70; May ERA 2.35.  Also, worth noting is his batting average against lefties is .273; vs. righties it’s .224.

Vin Mazzaro – 2 1/3 IP, 14 ER.  He comes from my birthplace, Hackensack, NJ.  Yesterday, the Indians treated him like a hacky sack.

Matt LaPorta – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs as the Indians moved to 25-13 on the year.  Somebody wake up the Comatose Indians Fan, your team is more than just a racist mascot!

Dexter Fowler – Caught stealing twice.  Now has 5 caught stealings in 7 attempts.  Good thing he didn’t choose a life of crime.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit in the leadoff spot, 2-for-5, batting .302 and stole his 13th base.  Member in the preseason everyone was like don’t draft Ellsbury, Crawford’s gonna steal his mojo?  Um, Crawford’s hitting .208 and batting between Lowrie and Varitek.

Mark Reynolds – Hit his 2nd homer in three games as Mini Donkey finally draws some brays.

Kyle Drabek – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (6 BBs), 2 Ks.  Too many BBs, he’s gonna shoot his eye out doing that.

Adam Lind – Placed on the 15-day DL with back soreness.  Just so we’re clear how ridiculous it is what the Mets said about Wright possibly being back in 10 days.  Lind has back soreness and is going on the DL; Wright has a stress fracture in his lower back.  Oh-kay.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  He doesn’t seem remotely capable of handling the closing job, yet I think he probably does stay the closer all year, if that makes sense, and I think it does but I’ve had nine beers tonight and something a guy named Phil called a lavash.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  First name, Hommy.  Second name, Tanson.

Grady Sizemore – To the DL.  I wonder if he has one of those punch cards so he gets a free sandwich with this DL trip.

A cavalcade of stars trampling through your computer like a Colt 45 commercial. Not really, but if they all did… awesome. I would be the first person — make that the second — to die from high fiving. The first, if you must know — was that kid who slept with the hot teacher in high school. The prospects are slowly oozing into fantasy and the waiver wire in some leagues becomes important. So pay attention, and send the checks to me, but seriously I have Paypal as well. Here are the week 19 middle of the road, maybe available, two start pitchers for week 19 of fantasy baseball.

Vin Mazzaro (@ Sea vs. Fister) (@Min vs. Baker)
The pride of “Dirty Jerz.” Minus one start in last 10 has been fist pumping good. Averages 5 K’s a game, with a 3.50 ERA over last 10. Gets Fister (I barely knew her) and the butcher and candlestick maker’s illegitimate child.

Justin Masterson (Bal vs Arrieta) (Sea vs. Fister)
A Smokey fave. I am still president of the Just Masters Fan club with 3 blind kids and my dog as the only other members. Cause none of them can actually watch him pitch. Good roll of dice based on matchups.

Kyle Kendrick (Lad vs. Padilla) (@NyM vs. Pelfrey)
4 ER over last 19 innings, huh. I never would have guessed it. Gets the anemic Dodger bats and the Mess, I like it for a dollar. Could do worse… and by worse I mean Jeff Karstens.

Bud Norris (Atl vs. Minor) (Pit vs. Karstens)
Uncle Chuck — I shouldn’t have given you my cell number. When he threatens, I have to write about Bud. Better to drink than to pitch but you can’t really play baseball with a can… Or can you? Sneaky K’s and Jeff Karstens, start a tab.

Ian Kennedy (@ Mil vs. Narveson) (@ Was vs. Olsen)
The innings monster has come out of the closet and stole his footed pajamas. Decent matchups but he still plays for the D-Backs. Maybe an avoid for the next 2-3 starts until he gets those pajamas back.

Carlos Zambrano (@ SF vs. Bumgarner) (@ Stl vs. Suppan)
Yeah, it was a typo and I ran with it. I wouldn’t start him, but in deep leagues somebody has to gamble. Suppan is horrible. Personally, I think I can do worse for less than 12 million. Oh, C-Zam makes 18… Snikeys.

Wade LeBlanc (Pit vs. Karstens) (@ SF vs. Lincecum)
Again, I’m picking on Jeff — sorry, dude. Timmy hasn’t been Timm-AY, since the Loch Ness Monster asked me for three fiddy. Use his first start and play the “if I need K’s game” on Domingo.

Freddy Garcia (Min vs. Baker) (Det vs. Galarraga)
Yeah, I put him in last week’s article by mistake. I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. Gets “Not quite” Curt Henning, and the “ill” kid. The pale hose are scorching. Best team in baseball since June, that’s a fact, go look it up……I told you, doubter.

Brian Matusz (ChW vs. Jackson) (@ TB vs. Niemann)
Buck shows up and the O’s remembered how to play ball. Has been downright horrible all year. Still has no reason to pitch, but they play 162 and they were given the same money that Reggie Bush took at USC.

Andrew McCutchen has a mild sprain of the AC joint.  Sucks this is happening in the hottest part of the summer.  If something happened to my AC right now, I’d be so— The smart part of my brain buried under ten years of pot smoking and alcohol abuse whispers, “The AC joint has nothing to do with air conditioning.”  “Shut up, Smart Part Of My Brain.  If that’s even your real name.”  With this AC issue, he runs the risk of overheating– Smart Part Of My Brain, “No, seriously.  Google it.”  *Googling, reading WebMD, asking Smart Part Of My Brain to translate*  Oh, forget it, by the time I did all of that, the Pirates are already saying it’s a day-to-day issue.  He should be out there Monday or some time soon thereafter.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Paul Maholm – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K as he threw his 2nd career shutout.  If you know when his first career shutout was, there’s a good chance you’re Paul Maholm.

Garrett Jones – So far in July (around a .200 average) it looks like someone left Robot Jones out in the rain, but yesterday he hit his 2nd homer in five games.

Roy Oswalt – He left his start after taking a liner off his ankle.  Here’s another vote for cankles.  You goofed, God, cankles are more durable.  Oswalt didn’t immediately leave the game because his head’s obviously harder than his ankles.  He should make his next start.

Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 with his 2nd steal in three games.  For those hurting for steals, SAGNOF!

Jhonny Peralta – Hit an inside the park home run that took 16.74 seconds or slower than 5 average home run trots, according to the Home Run Tracker.  It’s obviously not easy carrying around that extra H.

Kerry Wood – Hit the DL with a blister.  Now the Indians will be lucky to trade him for $24 in trinkets.  Chris Perez is the pickup.

Alex Sanabia – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Alex, or Alejandro as he’s known within the Gaga community, is crazy raw.  So far he’s had two starts against the Nats and Diamondhacks and he’s averaging just over 4 innings per start.  At 21-years-old, I wouldn’t go near him outside of NL-Only leagues for now.  That could change.

Travis Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Wondering if you should get Wood?  He gets the Astros next.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his first home run of the season while batting .462 on the Blue Kays.  Thank God for those Canadian exchange rates!

Shaun Marcum – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I didn’t voice this on the blog, but I was worried about Marcum returning from his elbow issue.  Looks like I was just being paranoid.  Who said that?!

Rickie Weeks – 3-for-4 and two homers.  I feel like every year I drafted Weeks and he was hurt has made this year possible.  Unfortunately, I don’t own him this year.  Thanks, Weeks.  I will now walk into traffic.

Trevor Hoffman – Could someone sneak into Miller Park and put blinking lights around the “596 Saves” banner so I can pretend there’s a reason I’m holding onto Hoffman?

Corey Hart – Word on the streets of the Tony Gwynn Rotunda is the Padres are interested in Corey Hart.  SELL!!!

Matt Diaz – 3-for-4 and his third homer.  Yes, it was off a lefty.  Yes, it’s that simple.

Jack Cust – Hit his third homer in the last four games.  Grab while hot.  Cust homerin’.

Vin Mazzaro – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  That’s nice, I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Carlos Pena – 6 for his last 10 with 2 homers.  Is it me or has he hit his 20 homers in, like, 4 games?  Either way, he’s hot and will probably get to 25 homers by next Sunday.

David Price – 5 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks.  If you risked starting him vs. the Yankees, you paid the Price.

Andy Pettitte – Could be out for a month as he heads to the DL with a Grade 1 groin strain.  I didn’t strain my groin until Grade 7.

A.J. Burnett – Hurt his hand bursting through the clubhouse doors, after originally saying that he hurt his hand while smashing a cream pie into Swisher’s face.  Guess he was trying to impress his mom, Carol.

Vicente Padilla – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K.  I know it seems against everything you believe in, but you really should pick up Padilla.

Shin-Soo Choo – Hopes to return on Friday.  Wasn’t he supposed to be out for the rest of the season?  I have a feeling South Korea mentioned to Choo that he has military obligations if he’s not playing baseball.

Brian Roberts – Who?  Oh!  Brian Roberts, that’s right.  I think he plays 2nd base or something.  Juan Samuel, the guy they’re calling manager for now, says Roberts will return in less than 2 weeks.  If he was dropped, then take a flyer that Roberts returns at seventy-five percent.  I’m guessing it will be closer to fifty though.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-4 and his 2nd steal in the last four games.  He’s batting over .500 in the last week.  All aboard!

Jose Reyes – Last week, the Mets said Reyes wouldn’t return until he was 100% pain-free.  Now Reyes is set to return on Monday.  Does this mean Reyes is 100% pain-free or are the Mets a bunch of jokers?

Josh Beckett – Set to return on Friday.  Geez, were him and Brad Penny sharing doctors like they used to share Alyssa Milano?  I’d grab Beckett if he’s out there, but I wouldn’t start him in his first start back.

Scott Kazmir – To the DL with shoulder fatigue.  The shoulder had no comment, but it was seen waving a white flag.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-4 with his 16th homer.  Napoli generates more questions than any player about whether or not people should drop him.  I’m at a loss on how to communicate to you that you should just put a catcher, namely Napoli, in your catcher spot and let him be.  Ron Popeil said it best, “Set it and forget it.”  Obviously it’s my fault why people continue to ask whether they should drop Napoli.  So my question to you, loyal Razzball reader, is how do I communicate it better?  I can give you stats.  Napoli leads all major league catchers in homers.  On ESPN’s Player Rater, he’s a top five catcher for the season.  Oh, and his Mom once showed nipple to a room of people.  (Google “Mike Napoli” + Mom.  You’re welcome.)  What more do you need?  Help me help you.

Chris Denorfia – 4-for-4 with 2 homers.  I once dated a girl named Chris Denorfia.  That’s kinda weird.

Mat Latos – To the DL.  This was overheard this weekend in San Diego, “We have to skip Latos’ start to limit his workload, but then we’ll be left a man short.  Unless we were to enter his dream-within-a-dream-within-a-dream-within-a-dream and tell him to say he hurt his oblique while sneezing.”

This is the conundrum of fantasy baseball that leads us to the battle for the final rotation spot.  These guys either have one of two options: drive around on a bus with the Savannah Sand Gnats, or float for awhile (swimming is an entirely different sport). These guys aren’t necessarily the sexiest group of fantasy options, but if your league is deep or shallow, streaming is streaming.  I do it a lot in limitless inning leagues.  It’s not cheating — it’s taking advantage of other owners who don’t do it.  Picking your “spot” starts is always hit or miss, best way to tell if you should stream is to read the betting line — I can’t make this stuff up.  People who stand to win/lose money know what is going on here.  So here we go:  the 5th starter battles for 2010 fantasy baseball at the midpoint of Spring Training:

Braves

Kenshin Kawakami – Pitched decent last year.  Under 4.00 ERA from the 5th spot is gold.  SP/RP eligibility is platinum.  I’m for this guy — he keeps the ball on the ground.

Kris Medlen – Maybe youth can be served in the A T L.  Minors number show he has some potential. To me, he looks like a midseason trade guy for offense.

Phillies

Kyle Kendrick – I bought some of his juice 2 years ago. I’ve seen him twice this spring already and he looked pretty decent.  Plays in a HR friendly environment — not good.

Jose Contreras – Grizzled old Cuban not named Livan. Gives them the “I have been there before” guy to have in a pinch.  Moyer is lurking around somewhere too.

Reds

Aroldis Chapman – Now we are getting to “ooh” guys.  We all know about him — he is climbing up the ADP boards.  I think he gets 5-6 starts in minors.  Awesome potential; future number 2.

Matt Maloney – The designated place holder at the onset of the season.  Has potential.  Do not sleep on him — he may be a better contributor after they trade of Bronson/Harang.

Mike Leake – Yeah, he is still in contention in my eyes.  Awesome polish.  Well beyond his years on the mound.  Ponder this for next year:  Cueto, Chapman, Bailey Volquez and Leake.  WOW.  Pretty decent, I’d say.

Brewers

Dave Bush – It’s feast or famine:  head for the mountains and choose anyone but “bush.”  Having a decent enough spring to make you go…. maybe.

Manny Parra – Potent offense may help both of these guys.  Good K numbers, bad everything else is not a fair trade off for me. Mostly NL-Only help here, but roll the dice when it gets warmer.

Cardinals

Jaime Garcia – Rook is ready. Saw him pitch live and he has the goods that you’re looking for.  The “Lou” is definitely going lefty with the 5.  Minor league numbers are good enough to buy for a dollar.

Rich Hill – I told you it’s either Mickelson or Gomez.  Duncan’s pet project this year.  Had the goods to make everyone believe 3 years ago.  Yeah… you know who you are.

Dodgers

Eric Stults – Loved him as Rocky Dennis — not so much for the Dodgers.  Thirty-year-old may be a late bloomer. Worrisome high walk rate. Pitching well in Spring Training.

James McDonald – E I E I O, minor league success at every level.  Dodgers SP is very overrated. They may need his potential at the back end of the rotation.

Yankees

Phil Hughes – Joba has fallen into the pen, IMO.  Hughes has only himself to blame if he goes to join him. Awesome potential three years ago; he was a top 5 prospect. Still only 23.  SP/RP eligibility.

Alfredo Aceves – Gaudin is helping his cause. Destined for long relief.  ‘Fredo could be a guy who sneaks in. Had a year talking to the G.O.A.T in the pen.

A’s

Gio Gonzalez – Awesome punch out numbers.  Favorite of mine for sneaky late round pick.  His peripherals make me sad.

Vin Mazzaro – A fellow “Dirty Jerzian.”  Is the opposite of Gio:  pitches to contact.  For my money, he is the extremely poor man’s version of Slowey.  Last seen with JWOWW and Snooki at Jenks.

Twins

Francisco Liriano – I’m truly tired of talking about this guy. Now they want him to be a closer… Minny is throwing in the towel already.  Not a great idea. That Pierzynski trade right now looks good for this year.

Royals

Kyle Farnsworth – Yeah him.  I got nothing.  Horrible as a reliever.  Hillman drinking the sauce for an early unemployment check.

Kyle Davies – Still have nothing.  For giggles, look up his Spring numbers. I haven’t seen that fat of a number since 7 ate 9.

Robinson Tejada – Time to take the training wheels off.  Previously admired by me.  Great K potential. Looked great in final 6 starts last year.  RP/SP eligible a plus.

Rangers

Matt Harrison – Arlington bleachers gobble up fly balls in summer — unfun for pitchers. My money says Feliz pitches out of the pen to start the year.  Decent Spring so far.

Derek Holland – Great potential. Needs to develop a third pitch.  There really is no loser here:  both will get starts as Harden and McCarthy are “fra-gee-lay” and neither are Italian.

Orioles

Davis Hernandez -  Great K numbers in the minors.  Did decent enough last year to be considered here.  Not the prospect that his competition is.

Chris Tillman -  Another sleeper guy for non-dynasty leagues that I like. Is part of the handful of Baltimore top pitching specs.  Don’t sleep on him.

Was talking to some friends the other day and one of them thought Ichiro Suzuki was the best all around player he had ever seen.  No, he wasn’t Asian or wearing a Buhner jersey.  He made his case — defense, cannon arm, can hit any pitch to any field, speed, etc.  I countered Rickey Henderson was better.  Then somehow it dissolved into how did Bud Selig let steroids ruin baseball.  But when he said Ichiro, it wasn’t a slam dunk, “We’re only on our second pitcher of Molson.  How are you already drunk?”  It was a point to consider.  I guess in fantasy baseball sometimes we forget about how great players were or are and only concern ourselves with the numbers.  Ah… Nostalgia, I remember you!  Well, the numbers say Ichiro is currently ranked 56th for Runs for all outfielders.  Behind some stalwarts as Fukudome, Teahen and Skip Schumaker.  He’s currently ranked 100th in RBIs just behind Joe Thurston.  Hey, he’s got speed though, right?  He has 12 steals.  The same as Vernon Wells.  Ichiro is terrific for average, but that’s only getting you so far.  He’s extremely valuable for average.  If you need a boost there, then by all means trade for him.  But if you’re fine on average or hurting elsewhere, I’d look to trade away Ichiro.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Chad Gaudin – NL West starter?  Oh, Grey must own him. I do, random italicized voice.  But get a load of this, he has an over 9 K/9.  Sure, he could flipping walk Alfonso Soriano and Chris Davis on four pitches.  But so what?  He’s a 5th to 6th fantasy starter.  You’re not relying on him to anchor your staff. (But if you do find your staff is anchored.  Try Viagra.)  Right now he has a 4.04 FIP and a 5.60 ERA, so he can and should be better going forward.  He’ll do you no favors on WHIP, but even if you’re only starting him at home — go for it!

Kevin Correia – I smell a theme coming on, son.  A theme coming on.  Honestly, if Livan Hernandez pitched for the Padres, I’d probably own him in one league.  Correia has a 2.90 ERA in June, about a 8 K/9 and an under 1.00 WHIP.

Joe Blanton – What, no Josh Geer?  Blanton was a 5 K/9 coming into this year.  He’s over 8 so far this year.  Don’t wait for answers, just take your chances.  Don’t ask me why.

Everth Cabrera – SAGNOF!

Scott Hairston – Really hasn’t earned all the pub I’ve been giving him, but he’s batting third yadda yadda yadda.  Okay, now I really have to abandon the Padres theme.

Pat Burrell – Member how hot Luke Scott was a month ago?  Burrell can do the same.

Mike Cuddyer – Could get 2nd base eligibility this weekend in some leagues that only need a few starts.

Leo Nunez – Should get the majority of the saves for the ‘lins.

Dan Meyer – SAGNOF, but he might be just a quality middle reliever.  So those in Holds leagues, HAGNOF!  Actually, Holds do have a face.  And they look like Tackleberry.

LaTroy Hawkins – Valgreen’s may get traded before the deadline, so this could give Hawkins a chance to further shake his Cuddle Boy label.  I’d grab him if you have room.

Wladimir Balentien – With vampires being the zeitgeist right now, it’s only natural that Wlad the Lunchpailer would be a popular add.  Yum, a 4th outfielder and cheese sandwich.  (BTW, isn’t it odd how dated the word zeitgeist is?)

Jordan Zimmermann – You’re showing Jordan Zimmermann, the dealer’s showing John Lannan.  You win.

Homer Bailey – Picture this, Homer’s given up 3 runs, but he’s in line for the win.  You’re ecstatic.  You call your estranged Auntie Marie in Pensacola and tell her you want her at the family reunion.  Then Dusty runs Bailey out there for the sixth inning where he gives up 17 runs.  In archaic words, caveat emptor.

SELL

Grady Sizemore – With the Indians treading water in the AL Central, the smallest setback to Grady’s elbow could shut him down.  He just hit a homer and he looks to be back.  Terrific!  Last week, we said, “If you can trade him for 80 cents on the dollar (say, Alexis Rios, Granderson, Holliday, etc.), do it in a heartbeat…..Crazy that the most Grady player on the Indians might be Shin-Soo Choo.”  And that’s me quoting us!  Now don’t sell him for a can of Coke Zero and a pufferfish, no one said to do that.

Nick Blackburn – More of a hold than a Sell, but I just can’t get behind a pitcher who has 41 Ks in over 100 innings.  He could be great for the rest of the season, but I’m not buying into it.

Scott Rolen - Hitting .330 so maybe some of youse are thinking Rolen’s, um, rolling.  But he has 5 homers and 3 steals.  Who is he?  Crapolanco?  His career average is 50 points below where he is now.  Regression right ahead!

George Sherrill – But he’s practically a donkey-corn!  The Orioles may trade Sherrill and his new destination may not include saving games.

Johnny Cueto – Pimple-faced teenager runs in front of your car, “Watch out, Mister!  Johnny Cueto is falling back to earth!” You stop short and Johnny Cueto falls in front of your car.

Matt Palmer – Thud!  That was Matt Palmer falling on top of Cueto.