Fantasy Baseball Advice

The royal we just went over the top 20 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  For those that skipped the title, this post is the top 40 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  If you’re looking for the hitters, it’s under the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings, which is also at the top of the page.  Barring unusual circumstances, I usually try to grab two starters from this list of twenty.  So I’ll have one starter from the first twenty and two from this, which gives me three.  Math’s been berry, berry good to me!  Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball:

21. Daniel Hudson – This tier started in the top 20 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This tier goes from here until Anibal.  I called this tier, “Am I crazy with these rankings?  Yeah, crazy like a fox!”  In 2011, Hudson’s K/9 was 6.85 as he struck out only 169.  That seems like the absolute basement and I’m banking on him striking out quite a few more guys in 2012.  In Triple-A, he had a K/9 of 10.41 and in 2010 he had 7.93 in the majors.  He had the third fastest, um, fastball in the Senior Circuit, but hitters made decent contact with pitches outside of the strike zone.  I expect that’ll change in 2012 and he’ll bump up his K-rate by at least 1.  To show my love, I almost put him in the top 20 starters.  Instead, he’s in an extended tier that started there.  I can only give so much love.  2012 Projections:  14-8/3.40/1.18/190

22. Jordan Zimmermann – I’ve ranked Zimmermann on the high side, but I was thinking about how it probably won’t matter.  Last year everyone and their lunch had an ERA under 3.  If that happens again, and I see no reason why it won’t, then there will be dozens of pitchers to own.  You’ll probably be able to draft Greinke, Zimmermann and wait seventy picks.  I’ll go over more about drafting strategy later.  As for Zimmermann, the K-rate will be better this year and if he holds the gains he made with his walk rate, he might just be a top 10 pitcher this year.  Yes, the Nats will be good.  2012 Projections:  14-6/3.25/1.15/170

23. Matt Garza – In 2009, Garza had a K/9 of 8.38 for the Rays.  I mention this so it doesn’t seem that outlandish to think he can repeat his K/9 from last year of 8.95.  Is he as sexy a name as the others in this tier?  Nope.  Can he be as productive?  Maybe more so.  I wouldn’t let it worry me too much that Epstein seems absolutely dead set on moving Garza.  Shizz happens as Forret Gump invented, don’t let it play too much into your drafting.  2012 Projections:  12-10/3.40/1.25/190

24. Anibal Sanchez – I shocked myself with this ranking.  Nearly fell off my Barclay Lounger!  Anibal was that good last year?  He (she?) was!  His K/9 of 9.26 and BB/9 of 2.93 were the best rates of his career.  Is there a chance he goes back into the junk drawer this year?  I guess, but why?  He’ll be 28 years old and entering his third full year, if you exclude his early years when he bounced back and forth between the minors and majors, battling injuries.  I love Anibal this year and I’m not sure if that should make me feel uncomfortable because of his gender-confusing first name.  I’m gonna type up a manifesto about my Anibal love in the weeks to come.  I may even type it up using only the blinks of my eyes to show how dedicated I am.  He is the Marlins’ ace.  Screw Josh Johnson and the stretcher he rode in on!  2012 Projections:  15-8/3.50/1.24/190

25. Josh Johnson – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Hanson.  I call this tier, “The ‘perts that are taking these guys are puff, puff, puffing; I’m passing.”  Josh Johnson and his porn star brother, Gosh, can show up at my house and plead their case for me drafting Johnson, and I will not.  Because of injury risk, I’m down on Johnson.  Okay, maybe I could’ve reworded that.  Someone can tattoo how healthy Johnson will be this year on the inside of my eyelids and I’ll ignore it.  I will not read one single “He’s healthier than he’s ever been in his life!” report from Spring Training.  Maybe we’ll see each again in 2013.  For now, I’m like John Bobbitt and I’m without Johnson.  2012 Projections:  10-3/2.75/1.05/100 in 110 IP

26. Ian Kennedy – My feelings against Kennedy aren’t quite as extreme as Johnson.  He’s just being overdrafted because of his 21 wins from last year.  If he had 15 wins, no one would’ve said anything about him not being in the top 20.  Who knew there were so many Murray Chasses (Chassi?) out there.  He’ll be lucky to get 15 wins this year.  Also, you throw in the fact he’s more of a 3.50 ERA pitcher than a 2.88 ERA that he was in 2011 and it’s yet another reason to avoid.  Will he shat the bed?  I guess it depends on what he eats, but I doubt it.  He made improvements on his K-rate and walk rate, but I still don’t trust him for where he’s being drafted and won’t pay the price.  And for all those haters who think I’m stupid for avoiding Kennedy, I go back to the fact there are a gazillion, give or take a million, starters to choose from.  If I’m having concerns about one guy, you’ll excuse me if I avoid him and take one of the other gazillion (plus or minus a million) pitchers.  2012 Projections:  15-10/3.50/1.12/180

27. Yu Darvish – I already went over my Yu Darvish fantasy.  It’s sexy and I know it.  2012 Projections:  14-7/3.60/1.10/190

28. Josh Beckett – Red State Jeter is just too flaky for me.  One year — 2.89 ERA; another year — 5.78 ERA.  What he actually is is (stutterer!) a 3.75 ERA pitcher.  What side of the 3.75 ERA bed Beckett wakes up no one knows, except for maybe some country singer no one’s ever heard of.  2012 Projections:  14-9/3.60/1.20/185

29. Ricky Romero – For full disclosure purposes — or porpoises if dolphins are reading — I almost put Romero in the sexy name tier.  He seemed to fit in there better than Garza, but when it came down to it, I wanted Garza more than I wanted Romero.  Last year, Romero had an ERA of 2.92 but an xFIP of 3.80.  Romero — what a joker!  His K-rate two of the last three years has been 7.13 and 7.12.  Um, they’re okay.  Finally, a cool name and an uncanny resemblance to LL Cool J does not make him sexy for fantasy.  Sorry, RR Cool Jay.  2012 Projections:  13-12/3.75/1.20/170

30. James Shields – Shields and Beckett are tomato-tomato with a different emphasis.  Good Ks, all over the map with their ERAs.  What I’m looking for from starters is the most trustworthy names I can find (even if Gallardo and Greinke don’t feel trustworthy).  Like a 1800′s soldier who just saw his first gun fired, I just don’t trust Shields.   2012 Projections:  13-11/3.70/1.25/190

31. Tommy Hanson – I felt like mmmdropping Hanson even lower, but settled on him here in a tier where I’m saying others are drafting these guys before me, i.e., I won’t own them, I before E except in Teixeira, I hope everyone can follow to not draft Hanson.  Think Hanson can be a Cy Young-type for many years, but I don’t trust his shoulder to be right this year.  I doubt 200 regular season innings is going to improve that.  2012 Projections:  9-7/3.75/1.20/130 in 120 IP

32. Matt Moore – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Luebke.  I call this tier, “Yummo!”  I already went over my Matt Moore fantasy.  I wrote it while buying a Pacman-shaped potato chip on eBay.  2012 Projections:  10-7/3.15/1.20/160 in 150 innings

33. Max Scherzer – I already went over my Max Scherzer 2012 fantasy.  There’s lots of love in that post.  If you read it in the dark, you can almost feel my erection.  2012 Projections:  14-8/3.70/1.30/195

34. Ubaldo Jimenez – Look at me giving Ubaldo another chance.  I’m one forgiving ess oh bee (except when it comes to Brian Bonsall ruining Family Ties).  Last year Ubaldo held his K-rate from his terrific season in 2010, but just had a bit of crappy luck.  I don’t expect a sub-3 ERA, but he’s also not the 4.68 ERA guy he was last year.  If I’m right, this is good news for all the Colorado-area parents that named their kids after Ubaldo back in 2010.  The bad news, they have to move to Cleveland.  2012 Projections:  13-10/3.65/1.27/190

35. Shaun Marcum – Member when March Grey said Marcum would start the 2011 All-Star Game?  What a dog-faced fool!  March Grey, “There’s more of me in you than you care to admit!  All of you!”  Look at you grandstanding like you’re Al Pacino.  March Grey, “Hoo-ah!”  Marcum didn’t take a step forward last year like I thought he might with the move to the NL, but he still performed admirably and if he has even the slightest of gains, he’ll have a great year.  If he just repeats last year, it’s still solid.  2012 Projections:  12-8/3.60/1.17/160

36. Brandon Beachy – Here’s a guy that could jump to the top 10 for next year or bomb and become a sleeper for 2013.  If he can turn in 170 innings with his 10+ K/9, you’re looking at a pitcher that is going to exceed this ranking by a lot.  If something sophomore slumpy happens, then you’re gonna have a wasted draft pick on your virtual hands.  Of course, his season may not be that cut and dry and be somewhere between those two predictions.  But what fun is that?  (BTW, there’s no reason to ask why Beachy is below other guys that have worse projections.  Beachy has more risk because of the lack of track record, hence the ranking.)  2012 Projections:  12-7/3.45/1.18/190 in 170 innings

37. Brandon Morrow – I already wrote a Brandon Morrow 2012 fantasy sleeper post.  A real snoozer in the inverse.  2012 Projections:  13-9/3.85/1.28/210

38. Cory Luebke – Out first appearance of a Hodgepadre in the starter rankings.  I can’t believe I haven’t written a sleeper post on Luebke yet, but that’ll all change after I fill my Adderall prescription.  Last year, Luebke had a K-rate of 9.92 and a xFIP of 3.02.  You need more?  You shouldn’t.  But fine, for you anything!  He can control his walks to the tune of under a 2 BB/9, as he did in the minors.  He’s only 26 years old (as of this writing) and he pitches in Petco.  When I say giddy, you say up.  Giddy… Up!  Giddy… Up!  P. Diddy… Up!  Fooled you.  2012 Projections:  9-8/3.25/1.09/170

39. Chris Carpenter – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the top 60 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “Might be fine, won’t be fine on my teams.”  I’ve never been a fan of Carpenter.  His Ks are solid, his ERAs are solid, his WHIPs are solid.  My dislike is unwarranted, basically.  Right?  Or not right?  He’s only topped 200 Ks once in his career and that was back in 2005 when he threw 241 2/3 innings.  Anyone who owned him last year when he was 1-7 with a 4.47 ERA and a 1.39 WHIP as of June 17th, probably won’t go near him this year either.  We can be friends.  Wait by your phone, I’ll call you.  2012 Projections:  13-10/3.65/1.25/165

40. Johnny Cueto – I’ve liked Cueto since he emerged on the scene.  Liked him even more when he Zabka’d LaRue.  We’re gonna take a break this year.  His peripherals last year were a mess.  6 K/9, 3.90 xFIP, crazy low BABIP… Crouching Cueto, Hidden Dragon Breath Stats.   2012 Projections:  11-6/3.80/1.25/130

Mark Trumbo is done for the year with a stress fracture in his foot.  What an inauspicious end to his rookie season, if I’m using the word inauspicious correctly, or even spelling it right.  Year line was 65/29/87/.254/9.  Trumbo’s OBP was tizzerrible at .291, but his minor league rates suggest he can grow into someone that can take a walk here and there.  He’ll never be a .400 OBP guy.  The power and the light speed is for real.  His most impressive number for this year?  539.  As in the number at-bats Scioscia gave him.  Sure, he was a bit hogtied with Kendrys adding an S for “sidelined.”  In 2012 when Kendrys returns (or is the verb singular there?), we’ll see if Scioscia learned his lesson that every player doesn’t need to be a variation of a light-hitting middle infielder.   I have my doubts.  There’s talk Trumbo could see action at third base next year, but he fields about as well as Dalton Trumbo avoided commie accusations.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:

Yovani Gallardo – Scratched from his last start so he’s ready for the postseason.  Um, I have fantasy championships on the line?  Hello, priorities.  On a real baseball note, I hope the Brewers go all the way in the playoffs.  That is who I’m rooting for.  Or is it whom?  Anyhoo!  (Anywhom?)  Not just because I want to see Selig’s toupee get all bent out of shape when he hands the World Series trophy to the owner that replaced him or because I picked them in the preseason.  I want the Sausage Race on a national stage.  The kielbasa has toiled in obscurity long enough.

Andrew McCutchen – After being hit in the groin during batting practice, he was scratched.  Hopefully by Mrs. Dread Pirate.

Kevin Youkilis – Sawx announced it’s doubtful that he plays in the O’s series.  According to the latest ESPN, The Magazine, Youkilis doesn’t need to play because Boston is the greatest sports city in the world and that gets them an automatic bye into the playoffs.  For every sport.

Josh Beckett – 6 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  ESPN, The Magazine said Beckett is the biggest of the biggest big game pitchers in the majors and when a game is on the line he gets it done better than anyone.  Unless said game is against one of the worst teams in the majors.

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-4 with a homer after going 2-for-3 in his previous start.  When he gets hot, he tends to get very hot, so might be worth looking at him for the last couple of games.

James Shields – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  On a related note, Yahoo doesn’t count a playoff game, but ESPN does.  I’d start to grab any Rays and Red Sox players you can in case there’s a one game playoff.  Kelly Shoppach?  Yes.  Lowrie?  Yes.  Salty, Scutaro, Brignac, Kotchman, Joyce… Even grab middle relievers for a possible vulture win.  Everyone.  This obviously goes for the Cardinals and the Braves too.  Matt Diaz, Alex Gonzalez, Freese, Jon Jay, Molina, etc.  Grab them now before your leaguemates do.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Ends the year with a 3.47 ERA, 1.18 WHIP and 185 Ks.  Well, if this year was a step back, I’ll take it every day and twice on Muesday.

Doug Fister – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  This season Mr. Fister took my broken wings, and taught me to fly, live and love so free.

Rafael Furcal – Left the game with a tight hamstring.  Figures, had been almost a week since his last injury.

Matt Wieters – Hit his 21st homer.  Where’s his just desserts?  Is he getting them?  Did they reopen Matt Wieters Facts dot com?

Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Gotta be embarrassing for all the baby mommas in Colorado that named their kid Ubaldo during the first half of last year.  “Because you were, uh, bald.  Um, oh.”  That’s the moms explaining their child’s name to them when they turn 13.  You know, when they’re prepping for their bar mitzvah.

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners.  I love the Braves young pitchers.  That is all.

Alex Gonzalez – 1-for-3 as he returned to the lineup.  When he left, he was on fire with three homers in his last 6 games.

Angel Pagan – Done for the year.  There’s a conspiracy theory why his season is done that you can read about in Dan Brown’s latest novel, Angels & Pagans.  I believe the Illuminati is behind it.  BTW, if you Google Illuminati, you find Lady Gaga is a puppet for the Illuminati.  That made me laugh.  I think everyone should have one friend who is a conspiracy theorist.  Not a close friend, just someone you talk to once in a while.  The smarter the conspiracy theorist friend you have, the weirder the theories.  I recently talked to my friend who’s a conspiracy theorist and was told that Bin Laden is still alive, living in Virginia and working with the US government on the war with terror.  I wondered if Bin Laden likes Five Guys Burgers.  “This is delicious cow meat!”  That’s Bin Laden eating a burger in Washington, D.C.

Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-4 with a steal.  He should be starting for the final two games of the season and he has speed to burn, if that interests you.

Mike McCoy – 0-for-3 with 2 steals.  See what I said about Jarrod Dyson or 1/8th of an inch above.

Brian Wilson – Casilla got the save yesterday as Wilson was shut down for the year.  All beards in San Francisco will now be at half mast.

Kevin Slowey – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER and he was relieved by Hoey.  Dewey and Louie stayed in the bullpen.

Shaun Marcum – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Left his September 4th start with a 3.11 ERA and will end the season with a 3.54 ERA.  Yeah, I could’ve done without the last three weeks of starts.

Jack McKeon – The 80-year-old is retiring.  When the Marlins wouldn’t make their entire schedule day games to accommodate Carrows’ early bird specials, McKeon had no choice.  This opens up room for Ozzie Guillen, who was released yesterday by the White Sox.  At one point, it was rumored that Ozzie was being traded for Logan Morrison.  They could’ve just traded Twitter accounts.  I imagine the first day Ozzie is in South Beach he’s going to walk around muttering to himself, wondering why there are so many Jay Mariotti’s.

Hunter Pence has a patella tendon strain and won’t play until this weekend.  Though, more likely, he’s not playing much more in the regular season.  Don’t you love H2H leagues?  What I don’t understand is how you can fantasy baseball, which is a shizzload more intensive than fantasy football, then leave the end of the season up to luck like it’s fantasy football.  I enjoy my one or two H2H leagues, but only because I have ten roto leagues to offset the silly luck factor of H2H.  You draft a great team, then your first 5 round picks are sitting out in the finals of H2H?  Don’t tell me injuries happen in real baseball playoffs, so this simulates that.  Real baseball is played over 162 games, not week to week on who has, say, the most Holds.  So I like H2H, but don’t make as if its playoff system makes sense.  As for Pence, find someone else to fill in p to the ronto.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Todd Helton – Unlikely to return this season with back issues.  It’s probably because when he sits on his bottom, his back can go to the top of its slide.  Helton Skelton!

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4 with his 24th steal and 3rd steal in his last 4 games.  Sure, Rockies, now play Young like he’s a rookie scrub who you’re just feeling out, unsure if he can play in the majors.  I hate the Rockies.  Today I’m officially starting the trade Eric Young Jr. to the Twins Campaign.  Gardy will let Young play and run and the M in MI in MN stands for mess.  All money donated to the site will not go to the Eric Young Jr. to the Twins Campaign, but we can pretend it will.

Phil Hughes – Scratched from Wednesday’s start with back issues.  I hope he returned the favor to Brian Cashman.  That’s how the world works, Phil!

Robinson Cano – Hit his 12th HR in the 2nd half to go along with an AVG near .320.  Imagine how much better those stats would be if it weren’t for the HR Derby Win jinx!

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  In case The Wandwagon isn’t mentioned next week, I just want to say with his 3.51 ERA and decent Ks (164 in 184 2/3 IP) he’s proven once again to be a serviceable fantasy starter without the flash.  You’re blue collar, Wandy, and for that I respect you.

Josh Beckett – 7 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Done in by two HRs by Mark Reynolds.  Maybe Godot had the scouting report on how to get him out.

Matt Garza – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  It’s an extravaGarza!

Chase Headley – 0-for-2, 1 RBI and a sacrifice.  Oh yeah, baby, he’s back!

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K in Coors.  I’m seriously considering doing a weekly podcast next year and, if I do, the first order of business will be finding someone to compose a Hodgepadre song.  In related news, the Rockies are really phoning it in this September.

Tommy Hunter – Left his start with a strained groin.  Wouldn’t wanna be near his colander.

John Mayberry Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  Yes, the Phillies are phoning it in even worse than the Rockies, but the good thing about a team phoning it in is they’ll play guys like Mayberry every day.

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-3 with his 2nd homer in his last three games.  Okay, pop quiz, hotshot!  Who’s gonna be more valuable next year, Wilson Ramos or Jesus Montero?  Laughably obvious?  Or is it?

Brett Lawrie – Out for the year with a fractured finger.  First, House doesn’t win at the Emmys, now this.

Dan Haren – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Might miss his last start after being hit by a liner on the wrist.  His owners get pist.

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4 with the slam & legs.  Now has 12 homers and 22 steals.  Next year he might be my number one “Get this guy in every league” guy.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see him get to 15 homers and 40 steals.  He’s gonna be Stubbs without the .240 average.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Hey, all you need is a short term hot schmotato and at least I’m not recommending Derrek Lee.  Oh, wait, a second…

Derrek Lee – 3-for-4 with a homer.  Now has three homers in the last 8 days.  Grey’s recommending Derrek Lee again, there goes the neighborhood.

Ross Ohlendorf – 2 IP, 7 ER.  Now has given up 31 earned runs in 33 and a 1/3 innings with a 1.99 WHIP.  Swollendwarf!

Lucas Duda – Left yesterday’s game due to dizziness after crashing into the right field wall.  Forget about moving the fences in, the Mets should move the fences back.

Brent Morel – Hit his 4th homer in the last ten games.  Brent Morel is looking Septacular!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  This doesn’t have much to do with fantasy baseball (like Swollendwarf does), but does anyone else get the feeling that the Ubaldo deadline trade is gonna be one that the Indians look back on in ten years and regret?

Travis Hafner – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Pick him up and think about the fun you can have at the end of the season when someone looks at your roster and you have Derrek Lee, Vernon Wells and Hafner.  When they ask you how’d you win, you can freak them out by telling them it’s really 2006 and you hope Bob Barker hosts The Price Is Right forever.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I’m sure you’ll hear more about this when we go over our teams in the offseason, but after we inexplicably dropped Vazquez from our LABR team he’s put up 137 innings, 2.89 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, 9 Wins and 126 Ks.  Pretty much would’ve been leading our team from that point on.  He’s also been the topic of more discussion on IM between Rudy and I than maybe any other player.  Usually goes like this, “F**king Vazquez!”  “I know.”  “Seriously, f**k him!”  “I hate his face.”

Logan Morrison – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  He’s just lucky the minor league season is over so he can’t be demoted.

Bronson Arroyo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Oh, no, he’s endangering his Sigh Young chances!

Brandon Phillips – 3-for-4 with his 12th steal.  Yesterday, he said the Reds would not receive a “homeboy hookup” with his final contract.  Walt Jocketty volleyed back that he just wants to “pay a man his worth and keep it on the heezy.”  Phillips then replied through his translator, Barbara Billingsley, that, “The heezy is for sure, but Beezy needs to get the deezy or else he’s gonna Cherokee fade this piece.”

This year Doug Fister has been a revelation like a Dorito in the shape of the Virgin Mary telling you it’s time to change your underwear.  Mystically, making something out of nothing and turning it into a little something-something.  13 strikeouts yesterday?!  Doode has never struck out more than 6 prior to this year.  I never thought I’d say this, but I really like Fister and it hurts so good.  Sure, I’m pretty easy.  Strikeout some guys and I get all googly-eyed, but he now has a 2.64 ERA on the Tigers and a 3.17 ERA on the year with a 1.14 WHIP.  Fister?!  I hardly knew her!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Beltran – Missed yesterday’s game with food poisoning.  You can call him Upchuck Beltran.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  Now has four homers in the past week.  Pick him up in all leagues.  For a while I’ve been saying he’s capable of being a poor man’s Shane Victorino.  You know, Feign Victorino.  So the power isn’t totally coming out of left field, um, center field.

Mike Stanton – Missed yesterday’s game and could miss several more.  I’m pouring some of my forty out for you.

Jair Jurrjens – Will be out at least two more weeks.  If you don’t have the DL room, wash that Jurrjens right outta your team.

Brian Dinkelman – 3-for-7 as he was recalled and started in both games of the doubleheader.  Take that, Ryan Seacrest!

Sergio Santos – In first game of the doubleheader, he didn’t start the ninth in a save situation then came on, gave up a run and was pulled for Chris Sale.  Santos is the closer still, but Ozzie’s been known to flip the script on sanity occasionally.

Zach Stewart – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 0 Walks, 9 Ks.  Brilliant start, obviously, but in his last game vs. the Twins he gave up 6 earned in 4 2/3 innings and that’s just as likely to happen again next time.  Too late in the year to trust a rookie pitcher.  BTW, in Chicago, Zach Stewart’s fans should dress up like bears and they can be known as the Stewart root bears.

Jason Bay – 2-for-4 with a homer.  I feel dirty even saying this, but he has two homers in the last three games.  He’s obviously not a spectacular option, but he might be okay for a week or so.

Grady Sizemore – 0-for-4 as he returned from the DL and hit leadoff.  Just in time for the Indians to pretend they still have hope for the playoffs.  Crazy the only real race in baseball is the Rangers and Angels and I don’t really buy the Bobby Grichville Angels have much of a shot for the playoffs.  Maybe Selig will cook up some new crackpot way to get more playoff races.  Bud Selig, “We’re gonna have a Wilder Card team next year and that team will play the All-Star game winner and then the winner of that will be an automatic World Series team.  Yes, that could mean the National League All-Star team might play the Brewers in the World Series, which will mean Prince Fielder’s on both teams.  It’ll mean ratings.  Die, football, die!  My toupee will now take questions.”

Henderson Alvarez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s been solid in three of his last four starts, but with H2H playoffs and roto championships on the line, I wouldn’t risk it with Alvarez this year.  Of course it depends on how much risk you need to take on.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-3 with a steal and a walk-off homer.  Desmond Jennings who?  OH, NO, YOU DIDN’T.  I did, Al Caps.  NO, YOU DIDN’T.  I did.  DAMN.

Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  He totally roped me in again.  I saw Petco and the weak Giants lineup and I gave him another whirl and he defecated on my teams.  He’s probably just tired, but if he can’t be counted on in Petco vs. the Giants he’s so done.

Billy Butler – Yesterday, he hit two homers.  One for each of his oversized areolas.

John Axford – Threw a clean inning for his 41st save.  Now has a 2.23 ERA, 1.21 WHIP and 75 Ks in 64 2/3 innings.  His face is a bit too over-adorned with a soul patch, but he’s having a great season.  Too bad he’ll probably end up being drafted too high next year.

Robert Andino – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer.  After his big game, he posed for his CBS profile pic.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer and 6th steal for the slam & legs.  It’s been almost 10 days since the last time I said if only he’d hit .260.  If only he’d hit .260…

Erik Bedard – Next start is getting skipped because he’s Erik Bedard and he’s never healthy.

Josh Beckett – Left yesterday’s game with a sprained ankle.  His next start will probably be pushed back a few days as a precaution.  Or maybe they’ll just wrap it in police caution tape.

Bobby Jenks – After undergoing a colonoscopy, Jenks has been ruled done for the year.  The colonoscopy camera has been ruled done forever.

Mike Morse – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th and 26th home runs.  Slash slash dot dot.

Derrek Lee – 1-for-3 with a homer.  Is now 7 for his last 12 with two homers.  On Friday, someone in our fantasy sports forums asked who to drop between someone, someone, someone and Lee.  I told them to lose Lee.  I’m sorry, friend.  DL’s return from the DL has been bombastic, very fantastic.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Looks like he’s fixed whatever problem was bothering him… Actually, I’m not sure that’s the case, but it seems that way.

Madison Bumgarner – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  How about You Can’t Get More Than Two In On This Bumgarner?  How about that name, ‘son?

Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  Elias Sports Bureau reported that with Butler and Sandoval’s 4 combined homers, there was more home run trot moob jiggling yesterday than ever in the history of baseball.

Scott Sizemore – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games.  At least one Sizemore is performing this year.  If you need a middle infidel with some pop, I’d go with Sizemore.

James Shields – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 KS.  Here’s a riddle for you:  What do James Shields and George W. Bush have in common?  If you answered, they both hit rock bottom when they were criticized by Kanye, you’re wrong, but I appreciate you trying.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-2 with his 25th homer and 2nd steal for the slam & legs, which is also a special at a Tampa area strip club.  Longoria’s hitting .236 on the year, which is because of a ridiculous amount of bad luck.  I’ll take him in the 2nd round of next year’s drafts without thinking twice about it.

Carlos Marmol – Threw a perfect inning for the save yesterday.  Cubs say we are (not) Marshall.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in three games.  He’s having a great year (26 homers, 8 steals).  No doubt, Stefani.  But his OBP is .297.  Um, burp?

Dellin Betances – Yankees are considering bringing up their best pitching prospect for the stretch run as a bullpen arm.  See Joba and Hughes for how I feel about Yankee pitching prospects, i.e. more hype than they’re worth.  Stephen went over his Dellin Betances fantasy not that long ago.  He wrote it while setting fire to a picture of me.

Jesus Montero – 2-for-3 with his first 2 major league homers.  The lucky fan who caught Jesus’s first homer returned it in exchange for a piece of the Shroud of Turin.

I said three days ago that Brian Wilson was probably headed for a DL stint.  And now he’s on the DL.  Confession:  I’m a time traveler!  And not for stocks or gambling Biff-style, I use my foresight for fantasy baseball.  To recap what I’ve been saying, I said three days ago that Brian Wilson– Wait, I should recap from a little further back.  Ramon Ramirez already has two saves, so that’s who I’d grab first.  Affeldt could get some saves, you just need to put up with his annoying duck.  Casilla may sneak into the picture, but I wouldn’t go deeper than one of these guys unless you’re very desperate.  Though remember closers can smell desperation and you’ll never get any saves like that.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to announce that this afternoon there will be announcement. So this is the announcement’s announcement.  The pre-nouncement?  If you’ve been around the last three Augusts for our announcements, then this shouldn’t come as that huge of announcement.  But act surprised anyway, would you please?  Anyway II, the roundup:

Jordan Lyles – Was sent to Triple-A.  Hope he gets one of their TourBooks.  They have so many great coupons!

Alex Rodriguez – 0-for-5 as he returned from the DL.  Bee tee dubya, he has 13 homers on the year.  Where does he get drafted next year? Fifth round?  Sixth?  Hasn’t been drafted that low since he started hanging out with his cousin.

Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-4 with a steal.  More importantly, he played even as A-Rod returned.  Though, I wouldn’t count on that continuing.  Jeter DH’d yesterday, but he won’t do that every day.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4 with a slam & legs.  Now has 35 homers and 24 steals.  Is he in the MVP conversation at all?

Derek Holland – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER as Holland gave his owners a Dutch oven.

Tyler Flowers – 2-for-3, 3 runs, has now hit in 6 of 7 games.  In one league where we lost Eli Whiteside (yeah, it’s a deep league; no, we didn’t get extra points for owning Whiteside because he sounds like herring), I added Flowers.

Ryan Braun – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI with his 25th and 26th steal.  He has no business stealing 26 bases, yet he goes out there and does just that for your fantasy team.  How sexy is he?  I want his swimsuit calendar.

Casey McGehee – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer.  Hasn’t really gotten hot all year, and I still wouldn’t say he is now, but he is hitting near .333 over the last week.  That’s McOkayhee.

Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I haven’t given Hudson much fanfare this year, so here goes.  With a 3.01 ERA and a 1.07 WHIP, he’s been my most reliable starter on multiple teams and wish I owned him on every team, which is saying something since his Ks are pretty yawnstipating.  Thank you, Tim, for letting me love a non-strikeout pitcher.  Though, if you could ramp up the Ks, you’d be really awesome.

Adam Lind – Out with a sore wrist.  Should be able to return on Tuesday.  Canada waits.

Luis Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks and 4 Ks.  Late-blooming southpaw that ran up against a good matchup yesterday vs. the A’s.  I wouldn’t look at him outside of deep AL-Only leagues.  Could get some Ks, will probably get mollywhopped.

Frank Francisco – Scratched with a sore shoulder.  Well, stop scratching it!  Francisco has actually been decent recently, but if the shoulder’s a problem, it won’t matter.  Since Rauch is off seeing a giraffe doctor, Casey Janssen or Shawn Camp would see saves.

Rafael Furcal – Tripped over a rope and sprained his thumb.  He should’ve stuck with hopscotch.

Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers, three this weekend.  This had to be more than just the wind blowing out at Wrigley.  I’m guessing the entire Molina family, including Alfred, was sitting behind home plate blowing.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  Um, dubya tee eff?  Last week I joked that Cleveland should raise the mound a mile above sea level, but I joke when I don’t think there’s any reason to worry.  Now, I’m kinda troubled.   Or troubaldo.  If he gets beat badly his next time out by the peasant Royals, might be time to discard.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Sat out with a back bruise after being plunked.  Eric Plunk, “Someone owes me a nickel!”

Ryan Lavarnway – 2-for-4.  Playing DH (do you play it?) which has me concerned.  If he only DHs then only pinch hits when Papi returns, will Lavarnway lose his catcher eligibility going into next year?  Probably moot since the Sawx will most likely let him start 2012 in the minors.  Cust pondering.

Craig Kimbrel – Recorded his 39th save.  Has 101 Ks, 1.72 ERA and 1.01 WHIP.  Member how Tony Gwynn used to watch hours of pitcher videos while eating donuts?  I think Kimbrel watched hours of a young Mariano.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Mariners.  Huh?  I feel like the box score had a typo.

Brandon Belt – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Great, wonderful, gronderful!  But he hasn’t been playing every day so you might need to platoon him in and out of your fantasy lineup for right now.

Casper Wells – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer.  As all of Casper’s fans boo.  BTW, on Saturday I went to this karaoke place and this one guy was awful so I stood near the stage and started booing him.  Loudly.  He got rattled and started messing up the words (worse), so I booed louder.  I got a kick out of it, but apparently he didn’t.  He threw down the mic, shouted “Oh, that’s it!” and charged after me.  Luckily (for me and my mustache), three bouncers got to him before he got to me.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Before this game, I told someone in our fantasy baseball forums that I wouldn’t start Pineda again until he pitched well.  Well (stutterer!), this was a decent start.

Nick Blackburn – Left the game with a forearm strain.  Maybe it was straining to be a fivearm.

Ben Revere – 1-for-4 with his 2nd game in a row with a steal.  SAGNOF!

James McDonald – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  McDonald was then replaced by Grilli.  I prefer the McGriddli.

Garrett Jones – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a home run as he continues to stay hot with his 2nd homer in the last five games.

Joel Hanrahan – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Hanrahanananan is obviously strugglinginginging right now, but his season ERA is still at 1.76 so, ya know, don’t be ungrateful.

Carlos Quentin – Might end up on the DL with a sprained AC joint.  That sucks, humidity this time of the year is killer.

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-5 with his third homer of the weekend.  I’m telling you right now, there’s gonna be a sleeper post about him sometime in January and I’m gonna go cacacuckoo for him again next year.

Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer.  Corspinosa is alive!  He tends to be streaky so if he’s out there, I’d give him another chance if you’re hurting with your middle infidel.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 as he also homered yesterday.  It must’ve been Zombie Day in Nationals Park.

Seth Smith – 1-for-2 with a slam & legs.  If someone asked me what’s the bare minimum you should get from your fifth outfielder in a 12 team mixed league, I’d say look at The Lisper’s Nightmare’s stats.

Ivan Nova – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Honestly, I don’t trust him.  This start was vs. the Twins who have Plouffe, the guy who sounds like the noise a turd makes when it hits the toilet water, hitting second.  If you’re chasing wins, I could see going with Nova, but chasing wins is a losing proposition. (<–Turn of a phrase point!)

Roy Halladay – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Was lifted after a rain delay then Schwimer took over.  All I can say is thank God he’s no longer making movies.

Jimmy Rollins – Left the game with a groin injury.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see this be a DL stint since the Phils will just want everyone healthy for the playoffs.  As Jimmy gets older, maybe he should ease back a little to Strollins.

Ryan Madson – 2/3 IP, 6 ER on Friday.  Madson, the Phils already have one Bastardo in the bullpen.  Please.  Wasn’t used in a save situation on Sunday, which was then blown by Bastardo and followed by Lidge losing the game.  I think Madson will be fine, was just a big giant blip.

Matt Wieters – 6 for his last 12 and his 12th homer yesterday.  Pretty whatever season from him so far, but if he were to hit five homers in the last month plus, his season would still look a’ight with definite promise for next year.  He really needs a big last month though.  Either way, I’m still gonna go all in with him next year again, assuming he’s drafted late, which he should be at this rate.

Delmon Young – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer on the Tigers.  On the Twins, Delmon was happy, but on the Tigers Delmon’s all about business.

Bobby Parnell – Mets said Izzy will see some saves still, but then Izzy went out on Sunday and gave up one run and on Saturday he gave up 4 runs.  They say the 301st save is always the toughest.