Fantasy Baseball Advice

First we went over the top 20 catchers for 2008, then top 20 1st basemen for 2008 and top 20 2nd basemen for 2008. Now, as they say in the tire business, we roll right along moving onto the top 20 3rd basemen for 2008. This year third base gets the gas face. Starts off predictably with Wright, Arod, Braun then the list hits a hard left like Vin Diesel’s career after The Pacifier. Huff high, Atkins low, Mora there. The top 20 3rd basemen for 2008 list starts strong and ends up ugly like any match involving a white boxer. I’m surprised Joe Randa didn’t show up on this top 20 list. Ya know, the Patron Saint of Yawnstipating. Because, right here, we have The Joe Randa Also-Rans. Anyway, here’s the top 20 3rd basemen for 2008 in fantasy baseball and how they compared to where we originally ranked them:

1. David Wright - My preseason predictions are nearly right on for Wright. Yet, I had him ranked #2 instead of number one. It’s not as pronounced as our first basemen list, but again, we’re seeing a theme in these top twenty lists, offensive was down across the board. Preseason Rank #2, Preseason Predictions:  115/34/120/.310/20, Final Numbers:  115/33/124/.302/15

2. Alex Rodriguez - Okay, you know Arod, so I’ll tangent for a second. He’s headed to being the greatest home hitter that has ever played the game. 553 HRs at the age of 33. He should surpass Bonds in five to six years. Since 1996, he’s been a top ten fantasy player. He is arguably the best we have ever seen. That’s not really much of a limb. Now, has there ever been anyone in the history of any sport that is so roundly considered arguably the best of all-time and simultaneously ignored? (Yes, there were a lot of adverbs in that sentence. My bad.) Not to mention, Arod plays in New York. Yet no one cares about him!  He should be at least as “big” as Tiger Woods, Gretzky or Jordan. He’s nowhere near them. Okay, interesting, perhaps, but what really has me puzzled is why? Is it his lack of personality? Maybe, but Gretzky, Woods and Jordan were/are/were an amalgamation of what their endorsements made them. Is it because Arod excels with such relative ease?  Nah, they all were/are/were effortlessly great. Is it the lack of championships? It would appear so, but here’s the thing. Not everyone is a Yankee fan. If he helps them win 5 championships, this would piss off as many people as it would excite. So because of his lack of success for a team that many of you don’t like, you don’t respect Arod? Hmm… Maybe.  Preseason Rank #1, Preseason Predictions:  120/42/130/15/.305, Final Numbers:  104/35/103/18/.302

3. Ryan Braun - I had serious reservations about how well he would come back from his insane rookie year. I discounted him as much as I could and I still thought he should be ranked third for third basemen in the preseason rankings. So, as you can see, I still liked him a lot. I was just was trying to temper expectations because I knew his unreal average from his rookie campaign would come down and it did. Preseason Rank #3, Preseason Predictions:  100/27/105/.280/12, Final Numbers:  92/37/106/.285/14

4. Aubrey Huff - Already covered him in top 20 1st basemen for 2008. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  96/32/108/.304/4

5. Kevin Youkilis - Already covered him in top 20 1st basemen for 2008. Preseason Rank #16, Preseason Predictions:  90/21/115/.290/3, Final Numbers:  91/29/115/.312/3

6. Chipper Jones - I can’t say his name, even in my head, without thinking of the great Skip Caray. You’ll be missed, sir. As for Chipper, he was in some kind of zone for average, but average as a stat yawnstipates me. Rudy will have something this offseason about why average is really the least of your worries when it comes to roto. Preseason Rank #9, Preseason Predictions:  85/25/85/.315/5, Final Numbers:  82/22/75/.364/4

7. Miguel Cabrera - Already covered him in top 20 1st basemen for 2008. Preseason Rank #3, Preseason Predictions:  110/35/125/.315/4, Final Numbers:  84/37/127/.292/1

8. Aramis Ramirez - What’s that smell? Aramis. His power is going down more than Stephanie Pratt on Doug. Preseason Rank #6, Preseason Predictions:  95/37/120/.305, Final Numbers:  97/27/111/.289

9. Jorge Cantu - Already covered him in top 20 1st basemen for 2008.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  92/29/95/.277/6

10. Mark DeRosa - Already covered him in top 20 2nd basemen for 2008. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 103/21/87/.285/6

11. Melvin Mora - You’re traveling through another dimension — a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land where two Orioles third basemen are in the top 11. That’s a signpost up ahead: your next stop: The Twilight Zone! Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  77/23/104/.285/3

12. Garrett Atkins - Already covered him in top 20 1st basemen for 2008. Preseason Rank #7, Preseason Predictions:  85/34/115/.300, Final Numbers:  86/21/99/.286/1

13. Russell Martin - Already covered him in top 20 catchers for 2008. Preseason Predictions:  85/20/90/.290/15, Final Numbers:  87/13/69/.279/18

14. Evan Longoria - Didn’t start the year with the club as it looked like the Rays were purposely dragging their feet on another prospect, then he missed a month from August 8th to Sept. 13th and he’s still ranked 14th. Wow. Longoria’s going to be a good one. Preseason Rank #19, Preseason Predictions:  70/20/75/.285, Final Numbers:  67/27/85/.272/7

15. Mark Reynolds - The only player to strikeout more than 200 times in a season. I can handle 200 Ks if you’re dropping your badonkadonk more than 40 times. Reynolds’s 28 home runs? It’s not walking the dog. It’s not applying mustard to the hot dog. It’s not unbuttoning your pants after your second dessert. It just isn’t. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 87/28/97/.239/11

16. Adrian Beltre - I’d like to see someone put together a list of the top ten players of the last twenty-five years who have wasted the most talent. I have to think Beltre is somewhere on that list. Imagine, if you will, a player that has Beltre’s talent and Ankiel’s desire. Preseason Rank #11, Preseason Predictions:  85/25/85/.260/7, Final Numbers:  74/25/77/.266/8

17. Troy Glaus - I thought he was going to be bad. He was bad. In the preseason, I ranked him 17th and here he is. Don’t you love how that happens. Preseason Rank #17, Preseason Predictions:  65/22/70/.255, Final Numbers:  69/27/99/.270

18. Casey Blake - Turned out to be exactly the end of the draft bargain I thought he would be. Many of you probably had Kouzmanoff, Encarnacion, Guillen, Lowell and Gordon instead of Blake, but guess who is on this list and guess who is not. Okay, no fair, you’re looking at the list.  Preseason Rank #21, Preseason Predictions:  75/20/75/.270/5, Final Numbers:  71/21/81/.274/3

19. Chone Figgins - A pretty terrible season for Figgy when you look at the numbers, but if you look at how many games he played (116), it turns out he had simply a medicore season. Preseason Rank #14, Preseason Predictions:  105/5/60/.290/45, Final Numbers:  72/1/22/.276/34

20. Ty Wigginton - Already covered him in top 20 2nd basemen for 2008. Preseason Rank #18, Preseason Predictions:  70/20/70/.270, Final Numbers:  50/23/58/.285

Whaddup, boyz! Okay, we went over top 20 catchers for 2008 already. But you weren’t happy with just that. You wanted more. So we went over the top 20 1st basemen. But did that satiate you? Please, you don’t even know what satiate means. So here we are with the top 20 2nd basemen for 2008. Happy now? I know, maybe for a day. Unlike our previous top 20 lists, the top 20 2nd basemen might excite you a bit. This is all dependent on how coal-black your heart is, of course. Will this list draw animated wings on your sneakers and help you fly around room? I sure hope so. Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2008 in fantasy baseball and how they compared to where we originally ranked them:

1. Dustin Pedroia - Booyakasha, Buju Banton!  A funny thing happened on the way to the end of the season, offense was severely down. Not just in the top twenty 1st basemen, but in this list as well. I wasn’t terribly off with my preseason predictions for Pedroia, but his rank was 14th in the preseason and he came in 1st. Insane. I want a new ‘roid.  One that won’t be detected. One that will let a 2nd basemen hit like Kent and help Brian Roberts be respected. Preseason Rank #14, Preseason Predictions:  105/12/60/.300/12, Final Numbers: 118/17/83/.326/20

2. Chase Utley - You know Utley, so I’m going to relay a story. A friend of mine is a career minor leaguer. He’s had a few cups of coffee in the majors, but to follow that analogy to its conclusion, he’s still drowsy. A couple of years back, he got the September call-up for the Phillies. Being a starter in the minors, he was thrust into the coveted mop-up role. So it’s a 9-1 game, or some equally lopsided score, and my friend gets the call. To everyone in the stadium, it meant a pee break. To him, he got to jog out to a major league mound, something he dreamt about since he was a boy. The appearance was nothing more than a blip on some discarded box score. For him, it was two innings struggling to get hitters out. It was his day, yet it just wasn’t. Back in the locker room afterwards, players still went up and congratulated him on getting to the show. But not Utley. Nope. Utley bought him two prostitutes. They were delivered on one condition, Utley wanted to bang them first. Preseason Rank #1, Preseason Predictions:  120/32/115/.325/12, Final Numbers: 113/33/104/.292/14

3. Ian Kinsler - Would’ve been number one if it wasn’t for a testy testes.  Going down in mid-August, he lost a month and half and still got the job done like Big Daddy Kane. Preseason Rank #6, Preseason Predictions:  110/25/70/.270/25, Final Numbers: 102/18/71/.319/26

4. Brian Roberts - Okay, I’m not a fan. It’s been well-documented on this site. Use the search, candy ass! But… and this is a Queen Latifah-sized but, there’s not a whole lot of guys below Roberts that I really want either. Ugh, 2nd base. The Mapquest said your road was open. Preseason Rank #5, Preseason Predictions:  105/10/55/.290/30, Final Numbers: 107/9/57/.296/40

5. B.J. Upton - Upton had a bizarre season (and similar to Rios). He gave you value, but not quite the type of value you were hoping for, which is a double-edged sword or whatever cliché applies. You needed more power from Upton so, speed or not, he left you wanting more. Preseason Rank #3, Preseason Predictions:  100/30/85/.280/27, Final Numbers: 85/9/67/.273/40

6. Mark DeRosa - One of those guys that ranks so high because he gave you a little bit of everything.  While at the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston, I realized I usually prefer a player that has a lot of one thing rather than the player that gives you a little bit of everything. Why, Grey? Please, fill our heads with fantasy smarts. Ok, random italicized voice, most guys that give you one of something, actually do give you that one thing. For instance, take Ryan Howard (to a Sizzler. My man’s hungry. Wocka-wocka-wocka…). Howard will give you power. Now take Conor Jackson. He’s giving you… Um… Average! Then… Um… Maybe some power. Maybe some speed. In other words, guys that give you a little bit of everything, could give you a lot of nothing. Let me emphasize, this does not include guys that give you a lot of everything (Hanley) or a lot of one thing (Reyes). Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 103/21/87/.285/6

7. Jose Lopez - Went over yesterday in the top 1st basemen for 2008.

8. Brandon Phillips - Here’s what I said in September regarding what I said in January, “…He wasn’t benched until August for the slump that was “all in his head,” (instead of my original January prediction of July)…” And that’s me referencing me, quoting me and paraphrasing me! Preseason Rank #4, Preseason Predictions:  80/19/75/.240/25, Final Numbers:  79/21/77/.262/23

9. Dan Uggla - After going into the All-Star break with a .286 average, he tried his damnedest to get to my predicted .245 average. Preseason Rank #9, Preseason Predictions:  95/30/80/.245, Final Numbers:  97/32/92/.260/5

10. Alexei Ramirez - He’s getting comparisons to Alfonso Sorinao for his smile, swing and doctoring birth certificate skills.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 65/21/77/.290/13

11. Ryan Theriot - In January, I thought Theriot looked like a nice end of draft bargain. In October, I look like I was right. (Note: Theriot was ranked with the SS in the preseason. In all fairness, I would’ve ranked him about here.) Preseason Predictions:  105/3/50/.290/45, Final Numbers:  85/1/38/.307/22

12. Placido Polanco - And here’s the epitome of a little bit of everything. Preseason Rank #12, Preseason Predictions:  90/7/65/.310/7, Final Numbers:  90/8/58/.307/7

13. Kelly Johnson - In reality, he’s a little bit better than Polanco, but his average lands him just below him. Preseason Rank #11, Preseason Predictions:  85/17/65/.275/12, Final Numbers:  86/12/69/.287/11

14. Mike Aviles - Considering he didn’t start playing full-time until June, you got a ton of value from Aviles and he probably saved a lot of you the agony of rotating Piss Boys, i.e. Willie Harris and Joe Inglett.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  68/10/51/.325/8

15. Ty Wigginton - During the month of August, Razzball declared it National Wigginton’s On My Team Month So Be Gone Yunel Escobar as Wigginton slugged a new Astros record 12 home runs. That’s right, one insane month and he made it to 15th on the top 20 2nd basemen list. One more good month and he would’ve finished top two. (Note: He was ranked for 3rd basemen, not 2nd basemen.) Preseason Predictions:  70/20/70/.270, Final Numbers:  50/23/58/.285

16. Kaz Matsui - Godzilla Jr. is better than Dinosaur Jr. I have nothing else nice to say about Kaz.  Preseason Rank #16, Preseason Predictions:  75/3/30/.275/25, Final Numbers:  58/6/33/.293/20

17. Clint Barmes - I told you to pick up this schmohawk in April. You could possibly hold that against me. Preseason Unranked, Preseason Predictions:  Bizarre Injury from meat, Final Numbers:  47/11/44/.290/13

18. Yunel Escobar - Went from underrated to underperforming in under two months. (Note: Preseason Rank #18 for SS.) Preseason Predictions:  80/10/55/.285/15, Final Numbers:  71/10/60/.288/2

19. Robinson Cano - At some point in May, I convinced myself that Robinson Cano was a buy and due for a turnaround. At some point, someone should have beat me over the head with a blunt object. Oh, Cano, you let me down. Preseason Rank #2 (coincidentally Cano took a number two all season), Preseason Predictions:  100/25/100/.295/3, Final Numbers:  70/14/72/.271/2

20. Akinori Iwamura - More incredible than this schmohawk appearing on the list is Cano showing up right before him and Weeks would be right after him. If you saw that coming, there’s bukkake in your eye. Preseason Rank, None, but rank’s second most common definition is “offensively gross,” Preseason Predictions:  Offensively gross is not a euphemism for a productive hitter, Final Numbers: Bleh!

You know how you never really see yourself for who you are? Right, well, I wonder if Sheets doesn’t see himself as injury-prone. Instead, Sheets sees everyone else and thinks they’re Magoo’ing their way through their life. He sits in the locker room and he’s like, “Wow, Fielder I can’t believe you didn’t just twist your ankle right there!” And Fielder looks at him confused, “Ben, I was just tying CC’s shoelaces for him.” (Cause Prince and CC obviously have to tie each other’s shoelaces.) Also, I wonder if Sheets’s family is constantly trying to get him out of harm’s way. His wife, “Let Ben Jr. go get you some more flapjacks from the buffet. Those heatlamps look hot.” Either way, Sheets is injured. A few starts ago he complained of groin tightness. That was obviously bull–Sheets now is complaining of elbow pain. I’d make plans to be without Sheets and drop him if you need the roster room. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adam LaRoche/David Ortiz/Hunter Pence - Each with 2 HRs. In my barbecue grill’s vernacular, I’d say these players are HOO or Hot Off Off. I’m sure a lot of you wouldn’t mind a HOW or a WHO or even a WOW.

Edwin Encarnacion - Has pain in his wrist. Never a good place for a hitter to have pain. Also, now is the time of the year when people mysteriously sit out for a week even though they are only day-to-day. Yes, BJ Upton, I’m talking to you.

Hanley Ramirez - 2 HRs. Rejoice! Unfortunately, he came out of the game with shoulder soreness. Dejoice! Though he says he shouldn’t miss more than a game at most. Re-rejoice!

Brad Ziegler - Gave up his first major league home run, but his season ERA is only 0.82, which is actually bested by his teammate, Devine at 0.65. Incredible years these two are having. I think Devine’s going to be closing next year and Ziegler will be setting him up, but stay tuned.

Ty Wigginton - Finally was able to take some weight off his teammates and chip in an 0-for-4.

Cliff Lee - Didn’t have his best stuff, but before this bizarro season that would’ve meant he was rocked for ten runs. Instead he got hit around a little, but it wasn’t that awful and just missed recording his 23rd win.

Chone Figgins - Elbow pain from being hit by a pitch isn’t going away. He has no idea why. I have an idea; he weighs a buck-thirty soaking wet and he has skinny, granny bones. I’d expect the Angels to rest him right up until the playoffs.

Tony Peña - As of right now, Peña and Qualls are probably sharing closing duties. That’s if Qualls isn’t hiding an injury, which he might be because he should have been out there for the save last night. Stuck an nena on his en and called it macaroni…

Jeff Francis - Done for the year. Back date this to April.

Michael Young - Left the game yesterday because of pain in his fractured finger. He’s been trying to play through it to get to 200 hits. Don’t worry, Young, when it’s time, I’m sure the Hall of Fame committee will ignore your accomplishments either way.

Aaron Harang - Complete game shutout. Lots of offense all around baseball yesterday and Harang comes out smelling like roses. You say tomato, Harang says tomahto… You say elevator, Harang says lift…

Carlos Gomez - HR yesterday and now has 13 RBIs in the last 7 days. Watch CarGo go.

Brandon Knight - 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks. Gets out of KITT, throws a decent couple of innings, but is benefited by facing the Nots, then gets back in KITT and drives off.

Ryan Shealy - Of course he hit a home run. Was there any doubt he would hit one today?

Freddy Garcia - Yes, he looked fine tonight. Yes, he used to be decent. No, I don’t want any part of him. But he goes against the Royals next. Fine, in some deep leagues you can look.

Travis Hafner - HR yesterday. The Comatose Indians Fan can’t wait to see who the Indians are matching up with in the playoffs. Maybe the Tigers! Meanwhile, in Michigan, a young man wakes from a six month coma. He turns on Sportscenter to see the Tigers scored 17 runs with most of the runs coming from the bottom of the order. “They are just like the ‘27 Yanks!” Comatose Tigers Fan can’t wait to see his team beat the Yankees in the playoffs.

You are now about to witness the strength of fantasy baseball knowledge.

Verse One: Ice McLouth

Crazy motherf**ker named Nate McLouth…
From a gang called Piratez With Attitudes…
Sandoval hit blooper, cuz he was sawed off…
With an eye injury, Nate got hauled off…
Just when he started 100 Miles and Runnin’…
To steal 40 bases by Thursday, he was gunnin’…
Agent said, “Ya know, it looks better if you get to 20/20? Anyway, how’s the kids?”
“I don’t have any–”
“All right, now do the bidz.”
Depends on the newz out of Pittsburgh…
But the newz now all about Roethlisberg…er, Pirates who?
I’d be ready to cut lose McLouths…
Especially in H2H playoffs.
There’s just no time to be waiting around, son…
Look at Dukes, Werth, Shin-Soo Choo and Chris Dickerson.
All right, now you make the call…
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! Before we get into today’s roundup, just wanted to announce our Fantasy Football Forums. We won’t be covering fantasy football on the blog, but if anyone wants to discuss football, there’s a spot you can do it. Anyway:

Billy Wagner - Had a setback and now he seems done for the season. I would drop him if you need the room. Ayala hasn’t done much wrong to lose the job, besides being Ayala. But if Ayala can continue to be Ayala, then there’s no reason why Ayala can’t continue to get the saves — Ayala-style!

Chris Young - Took a perfect game into the 8th inning. It’s not surprising. I mean, I guess it is somewhat because he wasn’t in Petco. I wouldn’t hesitate to use him down the stretch. He’s way below most pitchers innings count for this time of the season.

Cliff Lee - Comatose Indians Fan just bought four tickets for right behind home for the first round of the playoffs. “Craigslist, Where No One Gets Ripped Off.”

Andrew McCutchen - Could see time if McLouth is out for a while. According to Elias Sports Bureau, this would be the first time in the history of baseball where one Mick would replace another Mick and neither player’s first name is Seamus.

David Purcey - 8 IP, 7 Ks, 0 ER and ruined what should have been a win for Garza. Purcey’s been wildly uneven, but there is a slight pattern of an every other start where he’s been usable, so make like Chicago and “Look Away” in his next start, then show Purcey’s he’s a “Hard Habit to Break” in the start after that.

Matt Garza - See a third of a centimeter above.

Brandon McCarthy - 5.1 IP, 6 ER, I warned all of youse to avoid him.

David Ortiz - Hit his 18th HR yesterday and first homer in 71 at-bats. Not bad for a guy that claims to be a Latin 32.

Adam Wainwright - After I picked him for September Cy Young (an award they are absolutely considering), 8 IP, 1 ER.

Chris Perez - Good to see him get another save because after his last two blown saves, I was starting the worry. Scotch + LaRussa = You Never Know.

Francisco Rodriguez - Recorded 55th save yesterday. I placed him 6th on the list of major league closers for September because I think he gets the 58th save and then the Angels let Arrendondo get a few as they rest K-Rod for the playoffs. Also, that makes Arrendondo more attractive for those chasing saves.

Kerry Wood - Back-to-back poor outings, there’s reason to be concerned. Cust kayin’.

Paul Konerko - 3 HRs in last three games. Has batted over .320 since the All-Star break and over .420 in the last seven games.

Taylor Teagarden - 2 home runs in the last three starts. For those in 2 catcher leagues, you might do well with an herbal Teagarden infusion. The issue is his starts are a bit scatter shot, so you have to watch to see when he’s playing and then put him in your lineup.

Jamie Moyer - 7 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER. He’s one of those players that I can’t recommend ever. Caveat emptor, for those in Latin America and all pharmacists.

Wandy Rodriguez - Left after one inning after re-aggravating his oblique. Vague, for sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the next time we see Wandy is in April of ‘09.

Jeff Clement - I don’t think this affects that many of you, but he’s done for the year. He might be in the Mariners plans for ‘09 or knowing the Mariners they might look to acquire someone like Pudge.

Ty Wigginton - Here’s one that affects just about everyone who has read Razzball in the last month. He has a groin strain, which is not quite Jockular Sphincteritis, but hurts just the same. Will sideline him for 7-10 days. Comes at a tough time for Wigginton and his owners.

Jose Lopez/Ryan Feierabend - Yesterday, 2 HRs and 7 IP, 2 ER, respectively. Sorry to make this like ESPN where every team’s news somehow relates to the Yankees, but… Well, that’s that. When the shizz is on the line and you’re losing games to the Mariners like they’re a powerhouse, you need to do like Angela Bassett in her courageous performance of Tina Turner in “What’s Love Got To Do With It” and find your strength from deep within and get away from Ike. Or something.

I left Matt Antonelli off the September call up post because I thought this season’s struggles would mean no promotion, but the Friars cut Tadahito Iguchi and decided to reward Antonelli for a miserable minor league season. Though he has been better recently. Ducksnorts breaks down Antonelli for real baseball. For fantasy, in NL-Only leagues you should take a flier (or a friar — oofa!). He might be useless, but it’s a MI flier, and you can’t really hurt your team with one of those as long as you don’t drop anyone too important. In keeper leagues, he’s a must have. If he comes out of the gate in ‘09 like a young Marcus Giles (that’s a compliment), he’ll be well worth keeping. Meanwhile, Mat Gamel was mentioned in the September call ups post and this Thursday’s fantasy baseball keeper post. But I thought he wouldn’t get the call. Now it looks like he will. If you’re in a keeper league, you should get him on your team. In regular leagues — eh. If the Brewers clinch the Wild Card with some time to spare, maybe Gamel makes a slight impact towards the very end of the season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Bartlett - 4-for-4 with his first home run of the year. Good to see the one person who stuck with him this year was rewarded. Now his Mom can drop him too.

Wandy Rodriguez - He left the game with a strained oblique. I think they’re narrowed his injury down to somewhere in his stomach. Well, it was a fun week and a half where I liked Wandy. Now I must drop him.

Ty Wigginton - HR yesterday to tie the Astros record for the most HRs in a month at 12. No, he did not match, Billy Hatcher. It was Bags.

CC Sabatahia - See what I give you when you let me finish the game. After throwing 117 pitches in his no one hitter, he went to a local carnival and threw 300 more pitches winning stuffed animals for all of the kids. I can’t wait until the Brewers meet the Cubs in the playoffs. I can see it now, Prince Fielder throwing 95 MPH fastballs using CC’s arm and Derrek Lee swinging a bat made of Harden’s ulnar collateral ligament. Fun times!

Mike Aviles - Finger contusion and he’s day-to-day, which is not quite ass-to-ass like in Requiem for a Dream.

Jeff Kent - Career might be over with torn knee cartilage. Here’s hoping the sportswriters make Bonds wait one year for the Hall of Fame as a slap on the wrist then him and Kent can go in together. My first chart-topping R & B song is, “Through Gritted Teeth.”

Kevin Gregg - This is slightly old news because we don’t do our roundup on Saturday (because my girlfriend would fucking kill me — her words), so just reporting this now, but he’s going to be out for at least a week. Matt Lindstrom should get the majority of the saves. (BTW, Matt Lindstrom, Chris Volstad and Josh Johnson… Is it me or don’t these names sound like guys that would be at a frat party where the night would end with a girl pressing charges?)

Carlos Zambrano - Complaining of heavy arm, he’s being pushed until Tuesday. Don’t think he’s startable in any league that’s shallower than 12 team leagues. A very risky play right now.

David Eckstein - Former World Series MVP takes his grit, hustle and just-can’t-put-your-finger-on it-ness to the Diamondbacks. He only okayed the deal after the Arizona Diamondbacks agreed to provide Eckstein with a unlimited supply of Coppertone SPF 45 Sunscreen and a sun umbrella that will be carried around by Augie Ojeda. Augie, there’s sun hitting my elbow! Sorry, Mr. Eckstein.