Fantasy Baseball Advice

On short rest, Randy Wells went five innings, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Oh, and I’m drunk.  Don’t know what that has to do with anything, but I thought you should know for the following.  I love Randy Wells!  There, I said it.  He’s striking out hitters and keeping walks to a minimum.  His FIP is saying he’s been unlucky, even if he was outpitched by Ohlendorf.  Will the person with the license plate “O Da Dorf,” please move their car?  Hmm… Maybe I should sleep off my buzz before doing the roundup?  Nah…If Hemingway can write The Sun Also Rises drunk, I can write a roundup.  The EL Camino with the license plate “O Da Dorf” is parked on the front lawn with its engine running.  We’re gonna have to ask you to move that…  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Andrew Cashner – The Cubs called him up.  Stephen literally just went over him in a Scouting the Unknown.  You heard stick and move.  Try click and skim.

Roy Oswalt – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks until he was ejected for arguing with the umpire.  Oswalt was overheard screaming at the ump, “Give me a break here, I’m trying to pitch myself off the Astros!”

Chris Capuano – Will pitch for the Brewers on Thursday vs. the Marlins.  He’s pitched well in the minors (1.77 ERA), but I wouldn’t touch him in mixed leagues until we (that’s me and you — hey!) see how he pitches in the majors.

Dexter Fowler – Dexter’s off to go murder minor league pitchers.  He’ll get his chance at some point and be productive, but you can cut him for now in one year leagues and shallow keepers.

Corey Hart – Hit his 4th homer in the last four games.  Now has 13 homers on the year.  Almost twice as many homers as Prince Fielder.  Hart also has 33 RBIs compared to 19 RBIs for Prince, which is odd for an assortment of reasons, but most specifically you would think someone of Prince’s girth would want as many ribbies as he could get.

Neil Walker – 2-for-4 as he takes over the full-time 2nd base gig from Akinori Iwamura for a little changing of the discards.  It’s never sunny in Pittsburgh, huh?  I’d grab Walker in NL-Only leagues and I’d expect nothing and hope for something.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer.  He was my early MVP choice… Well, not my early-early MVP choice that was Longoria.  Just split the award between the two of them and let’s go home.  Wait, I am home.

Alex Rodriguez – 3-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 7th homer.  Now has 41 RBIs through 51 games, which puts him on pace for, like, 140.  Probably will hit 10 homers in June and look every bit the 1st round selection you thought he’d be.  Now stop being a baby and get me another wine cooler!

Derek Jeter – Left the game with hamstring tightness.  Probably day-to-day.  Appropriate of nothing, I just got the best spam comment ever.  It was so good I almost let it through just for s’s and g’s.  Without further ado, the comment simply read, “You know an odd feeling?  Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.”  So true.

Jason Bartlett – Says he plans to return this Friday.  And that’s a Bartlett quotation.

Doug Fister – 7 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Been waiting for Fister to get his clock punched for a while.

Chase Headley – 4-for-5, 4 Runs and a homer as Petco turned into Coors.  Headley’s been pretty yawnstipating for the last couple of weeks, but his position eligibility has kept me tethered.

Troy Glaus – 2-for-4 and now has 2 homers in 2 games.  You could do worse with your corner man.

Tommy Hanson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Phillies.  Wasn’t an easy matchup and he didn’t look especially dominating but he did get the job done, so there’s that.

Nyjer Morgan – 3-for-4, 4 Runs, 2 steals and perhaps the start of a hot streak.  If someone grew bored of him in your league and you’re hurting for steals, I’d take Nyjer out for a ride around the block.  From the files of Wikipedia, Nyjer occasionally refers to himself as Tony Plush, which he says is his “gentleman’s name.”  Does he mean stripper name?

Jaime Garcia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Garcia’s walking through the raindrops way too often and not getting wet.  Really starting to worry about how many baserunners he’s been giving up compared to his earned runs.  Somehow he still has a 1.32 ERA.  Liquid Paper’s about to get splattered all over that ERA and it’s going to be ugly.

Brandon Morrow – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (2 BBs), 1 K.  Morrow went in with the best K-rate in baseball and a mess of a walk rate and WHIP.  Then this.  I wonder if when he’s cold if he takes off his shirt and wears it as pants.

Aaron Hill – 3-for-4 and has three homers in the last week.  Even when I labeled him a bust in the preseason I didn’t think he’d hit below .200.  Same could be said of Aramis too.

B.J. Upton – Since he cleared his head, he has a modest 4 game hitting streak with a homer and a steal.  It’s not much, but we’ll take a B.J. any way we can get it.

Hisanori Takahashi – 4 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K vs. the Padres in Petco.  I learned how to spell your name for this?!  There is nothing more frustrating than watching a guy pitch well and ignoring him because you think it’s all magic.  Only to watch him pitch well again and again until you start thinking maybe the magic is real.  Then, as soon as you pick him up, you see that not only is the magic fake but the stupid white Siberian tiger takes a bite out of your neck.  I hope someone hands Takahashi a lit match and shoves him into a fireworks factory.

Mark Reynolds – Left the game with a quad injury.  Seems like a day-to-day thing, though with Mini Donkeys it might be a bray-to-bray thing.  Never thought he’d approach the steals he had last year, but this lingering injury, which has bothered him since April, probably accounts a bit for the lack of running too.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks and his 10th Win, lowering his ERA to 0.78.  I wonder if there’s going to be a lot of babies born this year in Colorado with the name Ubaldo.  In 25 years… “Hey, you friends with Ubaldo?”  “Which one?  Ubaldo Murphy or Ubaldo Patel?”  “No, the accountant.”  “Oh, Ubaldo Abramowitz.  I can’t stand that Ubaldo.  He gives all Ubaldo’s a bad name.”

Hanley Ramirez said he wasn’t lollygagging after the ball.  I see his point.  You can’t chase after the ball.  You kick the ball to the curb, neg it then hope the ball comes back to you.  That’s Pickup Artist Rules 101.  Hanley was benched yesterday and now there’s talk he may get traded.  Fredi said, “We don’t want the game played like that in front of our fans.”  Insert your “There are no Marlin fans” joke here.  I don’t think he’s traded away.  In fact, I think all this shizz blows over in a day or so.  What are the Marlins going to do?  Trade away their best player?  As someone in the audience of Jerry Springer might say, “Pay first month on that puh-lease.”  Fredi Gonzalez will be out of job before Hanley gets traded.  Hanley being Manny and the Marlins will learn to deal with it.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cameron Maybin – Hit his 2nd homer of the year.  That’s so Maybin!

Grady Sizemore – Had an MRI on his knee.  Know why?  Cause they can’t do an MRI on his bat.

Andre Ethier – Placed on the DL as lispers everywhere mourn.  But his name was Ethier to say! My guess is he’ll miss close to a month.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has been incredible so far this year.  ERA at 2.61, WHIP’s at 0.97 as he leads the AL in innings.  He gets the Diamondbacks next in the no-DH, swing-friendly desert.  Yes, please.

Edwin Encarnacion – Hit a home run in his first at-bat back.  He’s fine in deep leagues as a stopgap, but when Snider returns in ten days, Edwin will lose playing time to Bautista.  To paraphrase, you Edwin some, you lose some.

David Price – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His 1.81 ERA is a bit of a mirage obviously, but he can be a good one for a long time to come.

Trevor Hoffman – Don’t you love when a guy’s ERA and WHIP says INF and INF?  That’s short for infested.  As in, my pitching was fine today except for the Trevor Hoffman infestation.  The Brewers could go to Villanueva or Coffey, in that order.  They should.  Will they is a whole different story.  They may ask Hoffman to go to the Disgraceful List to save face and my ERA and WHIP.   Then again, I can’t believe the Brewers have stuck with Hoffman as long as they have, so really what do I know?  Besides where you live.  That’s me standing behind you.  Hey!

Casey McGehee – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs with his first steal of the year.  Now only 3 RBIs away from leading the NL.  Considering his lineup and where he hits in it, it’s not completely fluky.  That’s assuming RBIs aren’t fluky, of course.

Austin Jackson – 1-for-4, as he bats .329.  His average has now dropped about 50 points since I made him a Sell.  It’s your team, friend.

Carlos Quentin – 3-for-4 with 2 RBIs after getting almost a week off for unsportsmanlike behavior.  You know, not hitting, fielding, running or anything else from his sport.

Andres Torres – 2-for-5 with a homer yesterday, but that’s not his bag.  It’s steals.  Who is he?  He’s the guy who’s playing every day in the Giants outfield while batting 2nd.  So why don’t you know him?  Because he’s 32 years old.  When you don’t know a guy that’s 32, you wonder where he’s been, right?  The minors.  On and off since 1998.  He’ll get exploited soon, but he’s a source of steals while he’s hitting.

Jason Donald – 2-for-3 in his major league debut.  He batted ninth, which makes sense since the Indians have Trevor Crowe and Mark Grudzielmacallit at the top of the order.  Can’t break those two up.  They’re like peas and carrots.  Over boiled, unsalted peas and carrots that you wouldn’t feed to the dog.  In the case of Sooner vs. Later, Jason Donald should move up the order.

Carlos Zambrano – Lou Piniella said, “We moved Zambrano to the bullpen because he had a 7.40 ERA.  He now has 7.07 ERA.  So that worked as well as everything else I’ve done this year.  I am Sweet Lou.  Now pray to my sweetness.”  The preceding wasn’t an exact quote.  So Z’s moving back to the rotation.  Z magnifique?  Nope.  Z adequate?  Yup.  I said I wouldn’t own him in the preseason, ended up drafting him then dropped him.  I’m not rushing out to grab him again.  Z you later!

Luke Scott – Yesterday, he hit his 5th and 6th homers since May 8th.  He has 9 homers overall.  He won’t have value for longer than two or three weeks, so if you want/need power, Scott is providing it right now.  Now go take your emoticons and pick him up.

Corey Patterson – Hit his 2nd homer of the year (he only has, like, 25 ABs).  Patterson’s one of the streakiest hitters out there.  After Luke Scott, of course.  And that, sir, is no slander.  You want slander?  Luke Scott and Corey Patterson usually suck dog balls.

Kevin Millwood – 8 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I grabbed him in one league for his two start week. (He gets the Nats in his next start.  It’s a’ight in most H2H leagues.)

Felix Hernandez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 14 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Lately, F-Her has been more like F-Me.  Someone in the comments yesterday mentioned F-Her might be battling a sore back.  It could be since his WHIP is out of control right now.  Not normal for him.

Troy Glaus – Hit his 4th homer in his last seven games.  These waiver wire guys don’t stay hot forever.  Well, except for Jose Bautista and Ty Wigginton.

Kris Medlen – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Actually pitched better than the line shows.  Medlen made only two mistakes and coasted through 5 of 6 innings.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was appropriately enough Greinke’d!

Tyler Clippard – Took the loss as he moves to a 7-3 record.  Starting pitchers who have not missed a start only have 9 starts.  Clippard’s got ten decisions!  Yes, my voice is cracking right now like Tim Kurkjian.

Juan Miranda – The not-so-young Yankee rookie hit a homer yesterday.  After the homer, Miranda doffed his fruit basket to the crowd.  He’s a bit old for prospect status, but if the Yankees slot him in at DH for an extended period of time, he could hit some homers.  Right now, it’s not clear he’ll have every day time.  Fine in AL-Only leagues, I’d wait a bit in mixed leagues.

Miguel Olivo – Left the game after trying to do The Triple Lindy slide into 2nd base.  As of post time, he’s day-to-day.  Somewhere, Chris Iannetta laughs maniacally.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He gets the Royals next and that’s tough to pass up, but after that game I’ll probably say you shouldn’t own him in any mixed leagues.  You’ve been served!

Carlos Lee – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in 3 games.  First, Quentin now the other Latino Chuck is clicking.  Don’t think Carlos Lee is anything more than a 25 homer, .270 hitter, but considering how bad he’s been, you’ll take it.

Felipe Lopez – Homered as he hit leadoff.  He’ll probably stay at the top of the order since no one else is hitting on the Cards and La Russa’s not crazy/drunk enough to bat the pitcher leadoff.  Or is he?

Torii Hunter – Now has 2 homers in 2 games.  Must be heating up in Texas aka Coors South.

Jered Weaver – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  I was thinking I should bench him because of Arlington and the Rangers scare me.  Unfortunately, I went with the bold move to start him.  Stupid nads.

C.J. Wilson – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  You had to kinda figure the 1.48 ERA wasn’t gonna hold all year.  If you didn’t, you should read this.  Wilson may quickly become a guy you only want to start on the road.  Am I seeing the future?  Yes.  Enjoy your Beef ‘n Macaroni at lunch.  No, that’s not a hair.  It’s yarn.

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks as the Pirates beat him.  Ladies and gentlemen, you’re traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land where Carlos Silva wins his fifth game and the Pirates beat Roy Halladay — Next stop, The Twilight Zone!

Josh Beckett – Left the game with the same back problems that forced him to miss a start earlier in the season.  Chris Berman would diagnose Beckett with “back, back, back” problems.

No, there’s probably no cast in Andre’s future.  I’m not even sure they make casts small enough for the pinkie finger.  That was Pingping‘s downfall, that and the chain smoking.  After Andre Ethier broke a bone in his pinkie, he said something was seriously wrong.  Seriously?  You got a boo-boo on your pinkie!  What, you can’t make shadow animals now?  When he found out what it was, he said that it’s the leverage point of his swing and it would prevent him from holding the bat the way he normally does.  Who’s leverage point is their freakin’ pinkie?!  This is like the pea under the princess’s mattress.  His biggest concern is probably how he can stick his pinkie out while drinking tea.  Ethier could be out for a few weeks or he can play through it.  So he’s damned if he does or a half dozen of the other… Or however that cliché goes.  If it is his leverage point, you don’t want him playing through it.  If he doesn’t play through it, he could be out at least a few weeks.  And here I thought the only time Ethier and the word pinkie would be associated would be from this picture.  Draw your own conclusions, but I’m guessing he’s in Key West.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Chad Billingsley – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  What every pitcher needs, a trip to Petco.

Huston Street – Huston, we have a setback.  We should just call them streetbacks.  This time he strained his groin.  Straining your groin is so adolescent!  Corpas stays the number one option for saves.  He’s by no means safe, but he’s safer than the other options.  Those really hurting for saves can look at Cuddle Boy, Rafael Betancourt.

Jeff Francis – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Definitely worth grabbing in NL-Only and deeper mixed leagues, but, in the end, he’s a mid-4 ERA, 6 K/9 pitcher.  It’s just a’ight.

Brad Lidge – You know those signs that say, “If you lived here, you’d be home right now?”  How about the sign, “If you were Brad Lidge, you’d be injured right now?” Lidge returns to the DL and Jose Contreras continues to fill in the closer role.  Those is desperate need of saves can look at Danys Baez and J.C. Romero too.

J.C. Romero – And J.C. turns a close game into a save.  There were lefties batting and Contreras had pitched two days in a row, so that’s what went on here.  Though it does give you an idea of the pecking order when you’re vulturing.

Jimmy Rollins – To return on Monday.  Assuming he doesn’t share a doctor with Brad Lidge.

Kila Ka’aihue – Was sent back down.  Too bad he couldn’t make the best of his time.  Then again, he was only given 4 at-bats in almost two weeks.  Here’s a prospect, here’s the Royals stunting a prospect’s growth.

Justin Duchscherer – This Justin, probably out for the season with his grandma hip.

Jack Cust – 2-for-3 as he returns to the A’s.  He missed almost 40 games, so how long until you think he leads the club in homers?  Week and a half?  2 weeks?  If you need power, I’d grab him.  Also, everyone in OBP leagues should obviously pick him up.

Scott Hairston – Looks to be headed to the DL with the dreaded strained hamstring.  This will free up playing time for Venable and Gwynn.  Though I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

Carlos Guillen – As reported here first after reading it elsewhere, Guillen will play 2nd base when he returns next week.  Scott Sizemore is no more as he was optioned to the minors.

Brennan Boesch – Now batting .380 over 71 ABs.  Member when I effused praise, but hedged that Boesch had no playing time when Guillen returned?  Yeah, that’s old news, friend.  Boesch should play every day as long as he continues to hit.  I’d grab him in most 12 team leagues and deeper.

Max Scherzer – The Tigers weatherman called for a flurry of moves this weekend, huh?  Scherzer was sent to the minors.  If you owned him, it’s your own fault.  I couldn’t have been more vocal about why I was avoiding him this year.  At least now he’s done Pwnsoning you.  Replacing him…

Armando Galarraga – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s a 4.50+ ERA pitcher with a bleh K-rate.  I’d ignore in all leagues, except AL-Only ones.

Scott Olsen – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Very respectable start against a team that is good vs. lefties and even better at home.  I’d own Olsen in the shallowest of leagues.

Tyler Clippard – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER as he got the loss.  What a decision hog!

Willy Taveras – The Nats DFA’d, which is baseball’s acronym for “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”

Drew Storen – Called up to the majors.  Storen won’t see any saves unless there’s a total collCapps.  Not if there’s just some hicCapps.

Carlos Quentin – I don’t know what’s worst, that Quentin missed his third straight game with a stomach problem or that I was glad Quentin missed three straight.

Gavin Floyd – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks and now has a 7.00 ERA on the year.  I think change gonna come, nephew, but I wouldn’t wait for it with him on my team.  Let him correct himself on waivers.

Alex Rios – 3-for-4, and his 7th homer while he has 12 steals.  It is my belief that James Shields and Alex Rios are conspiring to drive me crazy.

Alexei Ramirez – Now 5 for his last 7.  It took him until around this time last year to get hot.  Cust kayin’.

Grady Sizemore – Should be day-to-day after he left the game with a left knee contusion.  No word on how he suffered it, but my guess is one of his fantasy baseball owners Tonya Harding’d him.

Russell Branyan – Hit his 4th homer on the year yesterday and his 3rd this week.  Trust me, I wouldn’t mention some of these guys if they weren’t worth owning immediately.  I grabbed Branyan in a few leagues last Thursday, if that helps the medicine go down.

Jake Westbrook – 9 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Before this start, he had a 23:19 K:BB rate, which is bad.  His WHIP is 1.51.  I wouldn’t own him with your team.

Luke Scott – 3-for-4, as he hit his 7th homer yesterday and his 4th homer in his last 7 games.  Another guy who is only worth owning while he’s hitting.  Currently, he’s hitting.

Brad Penny – 5 IP, 7 ER, 14 baserunners, 7 Ks.  That’s not a pretty Penny.

Jonny Gomes – 2-for-3 and batting .350 on the week.  He’s been playing every day and, even if he wasn’t, interleague is coming up so he’d play then.  (BTW, a interleague post is coming this week about guys to start and sit.)

Bronson Arroyo – 9 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. a slumping Cards team.  I’d continue to avoid Arroyo until after the All-Star Break.

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  His WHIP is hideous (1.68), but I’d grab him in leagues where you need Ks.  Right now, 54 Ks in 41 innings.  For you noobs, that’s really good.  In fact, it’s the best K-rate in the major leagues.  Yes, better than Lincecum.

Mariano Rivera – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Oh, Mo.  Hasn’t saved a game in May then this dreckitude.  Joba wasn’t much better in this game, but continue to hold Joba just in case Rivera’s hurt.  On an amusing side note, my grandfather’s real name is Mariano.  Not Panamanian, but Italian.  Hey, paisan!  But he hasn’t gone by Mariano since he was a kid, opting for Joe.  He says Mariano sounds too Italian, even though he has no problem wearing self-tanning lotion to “darken his complexion.”  Yes, my grandfather is C. Thomas Howell from Soul Man.

Gaby Sanchez – Went 9-for-17 this weekend, Maybin went 5-for-12 with 6 RBIs.  As I told someone in the comments this weekend, I have no idea if this is a good sign for the Marlin youngsters or a bad sign for the Mets pitching.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Dan Haren – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Did he see his shadow and think it was after the All-Star Break?

Martin Prado – 4-for-6, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs and 2 Homers.  I wouldn’t own Prado just because of the complete lack of speed, but if you need average or Runs, that’s what Prado gives you.  Pretty yawnstipating, but he is what he is.

Troy Glaus – 3-for-5, 2 Runs, 2 RBIs as he was another guy who homered that showed up in Friday’s Buy/Sell.

Jon Niese – Left the game yesterday after getting hamstrung.

Jose Reyes – Moved back to the leadoff spot, which left a void in the heart of the lineup.  Batting 4th for the Mets?  It’s a sci-fi mystery scripted by Chris Carter.

In one article about Mike Stanton in The Miami Herald, a longtime season ticket holder, Fran, was asked if any player every matched Stanton’s sheer mollywhopping, pony sticking ability.  The gist is no.  Fran, at 85, had seen them all too.  About Randy Johnson, Fran was quoted as saying, “Wild as any turkey ever got to be.  He had that hair, and when he pitched and got sweaty, he had the nastiest head of hair you ever seen.”  Now if I worked as a reporter for The Miami Herald, I’d make sure I had at least one quote from Fran in every article.  If I could somehow find someone to match her quotey-ness, I’d say the quote was “frantastic.”  If another reporter asked me to read their piece and they lacked a Fran quote, I’d say it’s not franny enough.  Can we get a interview with Fran?  Or should I just call up any retirement home in Miami-Dade County and interview anyone I get on the phone about the Marlins prospects?  Mrs. Abramowitz, “Can Maybin turn it around?”  “I’ve seen potato pancakes bigger than him.  Put some apple sauce on his head and he’ll fall over.”  /Fran aside.

So, I have big love for Stanton (<–cable TV pun!), and I think he should be picked up in all leagues immediately.  Between Cody Ross, Coghlan and Maybin, the Marlins have no reason to keep Stanton down any longer.  He should be up in the next few weeks.  When he arrives, he’ll be good for power and maybe not much else.  He could be a drag on average.  Here’s what I said back in November, “In Single-A, he hit 39 homers while slashing .293/.381/.611.  There’s light tower power in his man-frame of 6’5″, 210 lbs. (for those in San Diego, that’s 3 and a half David Ecksteins, but only three-quarters of a Kyle Blanks.  Or Blanks sans afro.).  Last year, Stanton continued his assault on minor league pitching in High-A, then hit his first roadblock at Double-A.  Unable to make the necessary adjustments, he saw the one part of his game that was exploitable exploited.  He’s a hacker.  Even when he hit the 39 homers in 125 games in A, he struck out 153 times.  Last year, he K’d 99 times in 79 Double-A games, which led to .231/.311/.455.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Since then, i.e., this year, he’s hit the ball wilder than any turkey Fran’s ever saw.  When he gets called up in June, think a line of 15-20 homers and a .255 average.  The hype alone makes him rosterable.  If you have him, I believe his hype will make it worth trading him in non-keeper leagues.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Scott Olsen – He gets the Rockies his next time out in Coors, which isn’t a start I’d want any part of, but then he gets the O’s, Giants and Astros, three clubs that punted hitting this year.

Derek Holland – I think he’ll be a matchups guy for certain stretches of the season.  Read:  When he’s at home.  Potatoes to chips, I’d still own him because he’s D-Nice with the Ks.

John Ely – Weird that this guy seems completely off everyone’s radar.  He has a 17:3 K:BB rate and he gets the Astros next time out.  That’s Lov-Ely.

Johnny Cueto – Sure, his name sounds like a bully from an 80′s movie and he treated you as such his first month, but he has a 33:12 K:BB and a 1.21 WHIP with three straight solid starts.  Cueto won’t hurt you… As long as you’re not a dork!

Randy Wells – I know it’s weird for you to go after a pitcher who hasn’t pitched that well so far.  This is a trust exercise.  Just fall back, Wells will catch you.

Troy Glaus – Hitting .400 over the last week with 2 homers.  He got so hot it was a Glaussian blur!  What?  Terrible?  Yeah, probably.

Luke Scott – ROTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH!

Travis Snider – Member why you drafted him in March?  Yeah, none of that has changed, he just started slow.  Still plenty of time for him to breakout.  Or not.  But it’s worth the chance on upside.

Michael Saunders – Maybe because his last name sounds like he likes to walk leisurely, but I’m finding it hard to build enthusiasm about Saunders.  Is he rosterable in deep leagues?  Yeppers.  Is he better than a poor man’s FraGu?  Not on your Mom Mom’s life.

Alfredo Simon – You know the douche that updates his Facebook page whenever he has something to brag about?  Yeah, well, I’m going to post about how I picked Alfredo Simon up in a fantasy league.  Take that, douche who just got a new job!

Jose Contreras – Yes, it’s saves.  I’m just worried that after you’re done with him you’re going to have a screwvenir of an unsightly ERA and WHIP.

Manny Corpas – No better than Contreras, only 47 years younger.

John Buck – One catcher I’m mentioning this week.  McCann + V-Mart + Mauer is less than Buck’s power so far.  Ain’t that a kick in the pants?

SELL

Gordon Beckham – Every time I watch him at the plate, I feel like some depressing David Gray song should be playing in the background.  It’s like every lemming in the world has Beckham on their team.  Even if he rights the ship, what are you going to get? 14/10?  I just popped a zit and it gave me more satisfaction.  Lose him, it’s time to move on.

Kyle Blanks – It’s time to start making some tough choices.  Blanks seems like a good guy.  It’s well documented that he can carry around 17 cookie elves in the palm of his hand.  But his strikeouts right now?  A taco diarrhea mess.  You get power off waivers elsewhere.  That’s a command, Lieutenant.

Jason Kubel – We’re cleaning house today, huh?  In the rankings, I said, “Kubel had value when he was a last round draft pick.  There’s no value when you have to draft him like he’s actually going to stay on your team.  Trust me, he won’t.”  And that’s me anticipating you dropping Kubel!

Starlin Castro – Whatchu talkin’ about, Grey?!  You just told us to pick him up!  Yeah, and now I’m telling you like Yoda would that the hype is too strong in him.  Now don’t trade him for a set of gold fronts, but I’d definitely see what I could get.  Say Asdrubal and a donkeycorn?  You’re coming out on top of that.  And tell’m Grey sent ya!  Though that might just confuse them.

Derek Holland is not officially a rookie, but that doesn’t mean he might not roofie you.  Pitching in and out of the rotation last year, he had some real ulcer-inducing starts.   I know, I have the internal scars to prove it.  Oh, Mylanta!  Though his xFIP was better than his actual ERA.  I know, too bad your league isn’t all fussy with an xFIP category.  Holland’s a plus-plus strikeout guy.  In the hitter-friendly PCL, he had a 37:7 K:BB rate and a 0.93 ERA.  He’s homer-prone and in Arlington that is a recipe for turd nuggets.  I’m much more aggressive about grabbing young hitters than young pitchers.  Hitters give you an 0-for-34 and you punt.  A pitcher gives you a 2 IP, 7 ER start and that causes you to punch a random stranger and then next thing you know some guy named Bubba is fitting you for a teardrop tattoo.  See how quickly that spiral spun downward?  Ask Lawrence Taylor, he’ll tell you.  So I didn’t grab Holland anywhere, but I would in the right circumstances, as long as you monitor where you start him.  His first two outings are set for the A’s and Angels.  That’s a “Yes, please” and “Don’t mind if I do.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johnny Cueto – 9 IP, 1 hit shutout with 8 Ks as he dropped his ERA to 4.07 on the season.  And there’s why I liked him so much in the preseason.  If he’s out there in your league, own him, in the non-biblical sense.

Chris Heisey – Got his first major league hit and homer.  He’s a 15/15 type that needs to have everyday at-bats to have mixed league value.  I think he’s better than Drew Stubbs, but WWDD?  My guess is Dusty will continue to play Stubbs.

J.J. Hardy – Headed for the DL with a bruised left wrist.  If you don’t have DL room, move on/look elsewhere.  Brendan Harris should see most of the time at short.  Harris is good… To avoid.  Twins also called up Matt Tolbert.  And that’s The Tolbert Report.

Kevin Slowey – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Yeah, Charlie Morton pitched better than Slowey last night.  I’m not dropping Slowey, but that’s only because I don’t own him in 12 team leagues or shallower.  If I did, he’d be done-zo.  In deeper leagues, I’m holding him but I’m not starting him next time out.  I’m kinda just hoping for a trip to the Disgraceful List.  How dare you betray my trust, Slowey?  You’re about to get filed away with 2009 James Shields, which might be the best thing for your career.

Bobby Jenks – Got the save yesterday, but Ozzie said they could go to a closer by situation, which is closer by committee for those who have used all of their blanks and M tiles.

Franklin Morales – To the DL.  Manny Corpas and/or Rafael Betancourt should get the saves, in that order.  I’d own both, if I had the room.  Unfortunately, I had a big meal of Blown Save Suckage recently, so no room.

Neftali Feliz – Blew a save.  You ever own the setup man and hope the closer doesn’t blow it because you don’t trust the setup man?  That’s how I feel with Frank Francisco.  I own him, but am petrified of him getting save opportunities.  Sorta how I feel about Juan Gutierrez too.

Mark DeRosa – Called offseason wrist surgery a total failure and he may need another procedure.  The doctor who operated called DeRosa the worst patient ever and said he wants his lollipop back.

Gordon Beckham – 0-for-3 as he hit 8th in the lineup because, well, he sucks.  I did have some concerns about him in the preseason.  Click it, you know you wanna.

Fred Lewis – 2-for-4, now batting .309 on the year with two homers and 3 steals.  Not flashy like my dookie fat gold chain that is just below the frame of my user photo, but Lewis will tortoise you to a 10/17 year.

Russell Branyan – 2 homers yesterday.  Could be the start of something if you need power.  He did hit 22 homers pre-All-Star Break last year.

Carlos Beltran – Ricky from My So Called Life was cleared to jog and do some baseball activities.  You know, like spitting and grabbing his junk.  Considering Beltran was only supposed to miss a few games last June, I’ll believe he’s playing baseball again when I see it in Metco.

Scott Olsen – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Only one of those baserunners was a walk and a few of those singles were of the “Excuse me” variety.  So hold S.O. (<–not a palindrome)

Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Yo Gaby Gaby!  Yeah, he’s been yawnstipating as all get out.

Randy Wells – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Without doing the complex math, I’m going to say he was unlucky here too since he only had 5 baserunners and 3 earned.  I’m buying into Wells getting, um, well.

Tim Hudson – 6 IP, 12 baserunners (6 BBs), 1 K.  Read Wells’ blurb in a mirror.

Troy Glaus – 17 for his last 38 with two homers in two straight games.  Should be owned in all leagues while he’s hot.

Tim Stauffer – Added DL to his RP/SP eligibility as he’s out for 6 weeks with an appendectomy.

Brad Lidge – Said he didn’t like how his arm felt when he threw yesterday.  That’s usually not a good sign.  The Latin 38, Jose Contreras, is the pickup for saves.  Everyone seems fine with grabbing Contreras and maybe he’ll be okay, but he seems to be pitching so far over his head I’m surprised he hasn’t been bringing a ladder out to the mound.

Jimmy Rollins – Expects to be back by next week.  Maybe he can close.

John Ely – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Said I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues before this start.  Now I’d start to look at him in mixed leagues.  In his division and park, he should get some decent matchups.

Josh Beckett – Will miss Friday’s start because of back spasms that were a result of taking swings in the batting cage.  What, was he reading Rick Ankiel’s Wikipedia page?

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  That’s nice, I’m not buying it.

Jason Varitek – You might want to stay away from sharp objects as you read the next two sentences.  Varitek hit his 6th homer on the year yesterday.  Victor Martinez has 3 homers.

Ben Zobrist – 1-for-3 as he bats .268 on the year.  He still hasn’t hit a homer.  Wha’ happened?  The ‘brist have his power circumcised?  It’s not completely surprising to me.  As I said in the rankings, “(Zobrist) was a utility man coming into 2009 and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left 2010 back in that role.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks as his defense let him down with 4 unearned runs.  Penny has a 1.70 ERA on the year.  You know when you have one guy who is carrying your whole staff and you just know the bottom is going to fall out but you want to believe so bad.  Yeah, Penny’s that guy for me on multiple teams.

Brett Myers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  So far this year, he’s been consistently better than average.  He seems like a safe bet to get some Ks, keep his team close and at some point beat up a girl.

Hunter Pence – 2-for-4 as he hit his 2nd homer in as many games.  Instead of fireworks, the Astros showcased their new way to celebrate a home run.  A giant dummy in the outfield that bears a striking resemblance to Ed Wade has its eyes pop out and toupee shoots off its head after a homer.

Eric Chavez – Hit his first homer of the year.  It was a called shot.  He called it, “I can’t believe I’m not on the DL.”