Fantasy Baseball Advice

Okay, I’m officially in love.  ‘Grey hearts Jeremy Hellickson‘ is going all over the Trapper Keeper.  I’m going to put a paper bag on my Science book and decorate it with Hellickson pictures I find off the internet.  Then if someone says something, I’m going to punch them in their big, fat mouth.  Then while in detention, I’m going to write a song for Jeremy Hellickson and I’m going to get my friends band, The Quadratics, to perform the song at the Sadie Hawkins Dance.  That’s what I’m going to do.  His line yesterday 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks in only 86 pitches.  His line last time nearly as good.  His line tomorrow?  The moon!  Though he’s not pitching tomorrow, but, if he were, he’d have the moon.  I’d grab Hellickson in all leagues.  He has a nice K-rate and solid control.  A terrific combo.  Could he go out next time and roofie you?  There’s always that chance, but his next start is the Rangers at home and they’re not exactly road scholars.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dan Johnson – 0-for-1, 4 BBs.  He has 3 hits and 11 walks since his call up last week.  He has a .176 average and a .483 OBP.  He’s the one true outcome hitter.

Andre Ethier – 4-for-4, 4 Runs, 3 RBIs, 2 Turtle doves and one first round pick that didn’t start in a 15 run onslaught only to come in and go 1-for-1 with 2 RBIs while he was on my bench.  Thanks, Matt Kemp.  I hope Jay Gibbons is screwing Rihanna.

Rafael Furcal – Headed to the DL after not playing in over a week.  Don’t these people know us fantasy managers need to DL him?  How inconsiderate.

Mike Lowell – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer since he returned and he looks like he’s 45 years old, but, hey, that’s worked for Big Papi.

Travis Snider – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in five games.  Also, hitting .333 over the last week.  To save you the suspense, I’m going to like Snider again next year (and Lind).  BTW, you ever just want to call them Travis Lind?  Adam Snider?  Maybe it’s me.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-5 with his major league leading 35th homer.  Was nice of Aaron Hill to give Bautista his magical 2009 bat.  Be interesting to see where it’s deeded next.  I vote for John McDonald.

Marc Rzepczynski – Blue Jays announced he would be recalled to start Friday.  At least they’re giving the equipment manager time to put his last name on a jersey.

Johnny Cueto – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks as he took the Cards on in a steel cage match.  He must’ve thought he was Johnny Lawrence.

Geovany Soto – As first reported here after being read elsewhere, Soto heads to the DL with a shoulder sprain.  Cubs are playing down the seriousness of the injury, saying he should(er) be back by late-August.  And he might.  But for a guy who has had shoulder problems in the past, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear about a setback or him just not returning at full strength.

Alfredo Simon – Showalter made the long overdue announcement that Simon will share save opportunities with Mike Gonzalez.  Now we wait for the even longer overdue announcement that Gonzalez will just get all the save chances.

Felix Pie – A 3-run HR in the O’s route of the Indians.  All of a sudden Felix is making things look as easy as Pee-ay – he’s hitting near .400 in August with 2 HRs and 2 SBs.  That’s a good 2 months for Markakis.

Luke Scott – 2-for-5 with… Oh, c’mon, if I’m writing about him, you know what he did for the 4th time in the last ten games.

Matt Wieters – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Could actually see myself owning Wieters next year, assuming he doesn’t get crazy hot in the last month and a half to alert everyone he’s not complete toast.  I apologize to Wieters’ owners for wishing him ill, though I’m probably just reverse jinxing myself anyway, so actually you’re welcome.

Jason Heyward – Day-to-day with a sore knee.  His knee obviously doesn’t own him in fantasy.

Chipper Jones – Likely headed to the DL as Glass Chipper goes for an MRI on his sprained knee.  His knee probably does own him.

Stephen Strasburg – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nats would’ve been better with Miss Iowa pitching.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Outdueling Ubaldo is a nice feather in his cap, but I don’t think he’s macaroni.

David Murphy – 2-for-3 with his 3rd homer in the last 6 games as he also ordered the slam & legs.  I don’t wanna beat Secretariat, but Murphy’s hot.

Vladimir Guerrero – 0-for-5 and is the opposite of hot.

Ian Kinsler – Probably won’t return until September.  On the bright side, when you took him in the 2nd round, you could’ve took Sizemore.

Scott Baker – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It’s bad when that’s a solid game for Baker.

Justin Morneau – Could someone check on him?  Thanks!

Jeff Kartsens – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has pretty average stuff and a terrible K-rate.  In another life, he could’ve been a hodgepadre.

Jose Tabata – 2-for-4 with his 12th steal in his 52nd game.  He’s also hitting  near .400 in August.

Troy Glaus – 2-for-4 with his first homer in almost two months.  Nice to see him reclaim his body from Zombie Glaus.

Chris Johnson – 3-for-4 and has the best average since the All-Star break.  Cust kayin’.

Matt Lindstrom – Blew the save and has now given up 7 runs in his last three appearances.  Meanwhile back at the Razzball ranch, I’m sporting Brandon Lyon on three different teams.

Sam Demel – Recorded the save because Heilman has pitched a lot recently.  Or maybe Gibson realized Heilman’s terrible.  No, I think it’s the first reason.  I wouldn’t go out and add Demel unless I were really desperate.  Heilman’s still the closer.

Alex Gordon – 0-for-3 and didn’t do much to report, but here’s a solid rant on the Royals from frequent commenter, Terrance Mann, “Yuniesky Betancourt had a baby this weekend and missed the Seattle series.  Gregor Blanco is currently missing time because his wife is expecting any minute.  Hochevar and Gordon are both expecting.  Billy Butler…well, his wife just always looks pregnant.  All these babies make complete sense.  The Royals are all screwing their wives in October and November because they sure as hell aren’t anywhere near a baseball diamond.”

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks and has a 2.81 ERA on the year with 17 decisions.  Unfortunately, he pitches for the M’s and 9 of those decisions are losses.  He has 12 straight quality starts, dating back to June 13th, and only five wins in that time.  He only has three non-quality starts all year.  He just better not blame Figgy or he will kick his ass.

Ryan Ludwick – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  If you need pop, I wouldn’t be afraid of the new Petco slugger.

Domonic Brown – It took 35 ABs but he got his first career HR.  J-Roll planned on hitting him in the face with a whipped cream pie but couldn’t reach.

Ross Gload – Charlie Manuel is following the Jim Leyland school of lineups and hitting the fill-in 1B in the 3-spot because that’s about where Ryan Howard hits.  Gload made Charlie Manuel look smart today with 2 HR and 4 RBI.  Asked about it after the game, Charlie Manuel said, “If you’re charged with making scrapple, you’ve got to throw your scraps in a pan with potatoes and hope for the best.”

Tim Lincecum – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks with a 3.41 ERA on the year.  Maybe he’d pitch better if he’d stop worrying so much about selling Wendy’s Apple Pecan Chicken Salad.

The save vulture is a scavenger bird.  They see weakness in others’ misfortune.  A closer goes down or struggles and the save vulture swoops in and gnaws on the closer’s handcuff.  Peck, Brandon League, peck.  The save vultures are indigenous to rural and metropolitan areas, especially if a trade is in progress.  Goodbye, Rauch.  Hello, Drew Storen, Tyler Clippard and Sean Burnett.  Save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about.  “How does my manicure look?”  “Very pretty, Joel Hanrahan.”   “Did you just call me, Joel Hanrahan?”  “No.”  Kevin Gregg, Kerry Wood, Joakim Soria any of them can be traded in the next 24 hours.  If you need saves, there won’t be many saves coming into the league after the trade deadline.  If you need closers, now is the time to swoop, save vultures.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Domonic Brown – If I keep talking about Domonic, I’m gonna have to do a spin-off blog, Razzbrown.  My Domonic Brown fantasy is clickable.

Tyler Colvin – I told you to pick him up on June 18th.  Since then, 19/9/20/.250/1.  Yeah, that’s better than Werth, Vlad, Torii, Grandy, Alfonso and a ton of other guys.

Chris Denorfia – By the time you read this he might already be cold and not worth owning.  There’s a difference between someone like Colvin and Denorfia.  Denorfia is a random outfielder who just happens to be hot, Colvin’s actually decent.

Andres Torres – Why do you make me talk about the same guy for three weeks and then by the time you pick him up he’s no longer good?  This is a trust exercise.  Fall back into my arms.  I promise to keep my mustache to myself.

Brett Wallace – Here’s what I said this morning, “Getting passed around…” “…like a trollop…” “Berkman” “is” “different cities.”   My Zagat quote skills are strong!  Here’s my Brett Wallace fantasy without the clunky quotes.

Jon Jay – His minor league numbers look like he’s unstartable against lefties (.180 vs. the same side, .404 vs. righties), but he’s actually relieved Rasmus vs. southpaws because he’s hitting the scrammy-handed at a .474 clip.  But, as I tell the ladies, beware the small sample size.  Jon Jay should get exploited the more he sees the ‘ones who need special scissors.’  That makes Jay a platoon guy without an injury.  Grab him now since he’s hitting everything and La Russa seems to like him, but don’t be surprised if it’s short-lived.

Travis Snider – Time to get randy on Travis.  He’s due to finally return from his sore right wrist.  Usually I’d be worried about a wrist injury, but Snider pulled a Kotchman and has been recuperating since May 15th.  His wrist better be, uh, better by now.  Plus, who couldn’t love a guy who resembles this guy?

Travis Wood – Sticking with the Travis theme… There is no wrong, there is no right… The circle has one side, side, side… Wait, wrong Travis theme.  So how much can Wood chuck if Wood could maintain his BABIP?  A bunch, but it seems unlikely. Wood gets the Pirates next and he’s pitched well enough where you can take a flyer on him.

Scott Olsen – Yesterday’s game picked up right where he left off as a respectable number five fantasy starter.  He gets the Diamondhacks next, that’s a ‘Yes’ with a dollop of ‘Please.’

Brett Myers – With a line of 3.10/1.22/113 on the year, you should’ve really grabbed him four months ago, but it’s not too late.

Michael Wuertz – Bailey’s not getting traded, but he’s also not getting healthy.

Danny Valencia – Grab him if you’re hurting for a corner infidel, but his Kevin Maas-shaped candle might’ve already burned out.

Will Rhymes – SAGNOF!

Logan Morrison – Just went over my Logan Morrison fantasy a few days ago.  Nothing’s changed — LoMo Hitado!

Ryan Raburn – Green Raburn asks, “Magglio Ordonez is so hurt he _____________” However you fill in that blank, Raburn has pop and should see playing time.

SELL

Edison Volquez – Don’t be the person that says in the comments, “You can’t sell Volquez!  He’s not worth anything!”  As I said in the beginning of the year, the Sell isn’t always literal.  It also means to drop him.  In non-keepers, you let someone else see if Volquez can figure it out.

Troy Glaus – Playing first base has helped him stay in the lineup.  Unfortunately, you probably wish he were hurt for the last two months.

Dan Uggla – July was his biggest month since May of 2008.  It was his first month since then that he had an average over .300.  He currently sits at 22 homers.  Maybe he has another good week, but he’s never kept up the rate he’s currently on and I don’t think he suddenly will.  I wouldn’t trade him for your nana’s Jell-O mold collection, but I’d listen to offers.

Dan Haren was traded to the Angels for a terrible pitcher and some prospects.  On a real baseball note, the Diamondhacks got had like they were taking cards from Ricky Jay.  I think the desert sun’s baked their brains.  To make a deal in the major leagues, you see what the Yankees will give you then you dangle that deal in front of all other clubs. The Yankees will give us their top prospect and dinner with Rudy Giuliani, can you beat that?  Here’s our top prospect and Bobby Grich will do your personal taxes for two years.  Deal!  On a fantasy note, this is about as lateral of a move Haren owners could’ve hoped for.  The league change is a negative, but the park change is a positive.  Also, if your pitcher gets traded into the AL, the AL West is the place for them.  The M’s and A’s are weak and the Rangers are less strong away from Arlington (the Angels are done playing in Arlington until the last weekend of the season).  The Angels do get the Red Sox twice, but also the O’s, Royals and Indians.  The only real red flag for Haren is his 1st/2nd half splits, but that was a problem prior to the trade.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before going into the roundup, I wanted to tell everyone our fantasy football site is doing sign ups for their fantasy leagues.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Joe Saunders – The move to the NL doesn’t make him more attractive.  A move to the Taiwanese Little League team wouldn’t make him more attractive.

Torii Hunter – 2-for-4 with a homer as he pulled off some Multiplicity shizz.

Magglio Ordonez -  While he’s shelved for two months, he can work on what’s really important, growing out his jheri curl mullet.  Bring back the Soul Glo!  Immediately when I saw the Tigers three hole hitter was knocked out for 2 months the first thing I thought was, is Leyland really going to bat the .280 OBP Ryan Raburn third for two months?  He did for the first game of the doubleheader.  We shall see.

Carlos Guillen – Off to the DL or as they call it in the Guillen household, “Daddy day care.”

Ryan Raburn – The Magglio/Guillen injuries should give a couple new guys regular time, but the only interesting one is Raburn.  (Will Rhymes is interesting for his steals, but I don’t think he gets enough playing time.  BTW, no relation to Busta.)  Raburn hit 16 homers in 261 ABs last year.  His homers per fly balls was a bit out of whack, but if he gets hot, he can provide some pop.  In AL-Only leagues, obviously you take what you can get.  In mixed leagues, I wouldn’t touch him until he starts hitting.

Orlando Hudson – To the DL with yawnstipation.  Wait, checking my notes.  Oh, he strained his oblique.  If he were on the Mets, he would’ve played tomorrow, then sat out for a week, then played, then sat out for five games, then played.

Kevin Slowey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the O’s.  Since this was against a terrible team, it doesn’t instill any confidence.

Jason Kubel – 3-for-5 with a grand slam.  I ranked Kubel high in my midseason fantasy rankings because of his propensity for 2nd half thunder.  Cust kayin’.

Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-5 with 3 Ks and has been struggling for the last week.  Rockies should trade Brad Hawpe for a new finger for CarGo.

J.A. Happ – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A just okay return for a guy I’m not high on (unlike this glue I’m huffing).  Happ has 12 walks and 9 Ks in 15 1/3 IP.  You shouldn’t need more.

Coco Crisp – 1-for-3 with 2 steals and 6 steals in the last week. Coco Quik!  Gotta love when a player knows how he provides fantasy value and gives it to you.

Ben Sheets – To the DL as he took one for all the Bennis Carpensheeters out there.  (BTW, The White Sox middle man, Erick Threets’ name sounds like a portmanteau of injured players too.)

Michael Wuertz – Wuertz has now picked up his 2nd save in four days as Bailey deals with back problems.  Though Bailey said he should return on Tuesday, I picked up Wuertz everywhere I could.  He’s heavy!

Brett Anderson – Should return on Friday.  I’d be careful with the first start back, but I would own Anderson since when he’s healthy, he’s nasty.

R.A. Dickey – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He left the game with a strained buttock after stepping in a mound ditch made by Kershaw.  Hoping for the NY Post headline, “Dickey In A Hole, Strains Butt.”

Kenley Jansen – This converted catcher is giving herbathrowdites everywhere a good name.  He got his first save as Broxton recoups from his two inning outing on Saturday.  Leave it to Torre to rest Broxton during save chances because he was overworked then to throw him for two innings.  Jansen could be a fun MR pickup for Holds and Ks, but he’s not suddenly the closer.

Buster Posey – 4-for-5 and now batting .371.  Pray he doesn’t ask for advice from Soto and Wieters on how to follow up his rookie year.

Barry Enright – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Still don’t trust him but he does go into Metco next time out.  That’s a decent gamble in some leagues.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 7 Ks.  Facing the top hitting club in the NL, the Reds, and he does this after getting shelled by the Cubs last time out.  The Wandwagon’s shocks are causing for a bumpy ride.

Chris Johnson – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer this week.  Yeah, he’s a mixed league pickup now.  As they say in the porn industry, all aboard the Johnson!

Mike Leake – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He was in Friday’s Sell.  How did you know, Grey?  Please dish. Well, random italicized voice, I didn’t know he’d pitch poorly, but his innings will soon be limited.  And maybe he will pitch poorly going forward because he’s young and might be tiring.

Chris Denorfia – 2-for-5 with his fourth homer this week.  In the broad sense, he sucks.  In the specific as-of-right-now sense, he’s hot and could help you for a few days while he’s hitting and starting.

Joel Hanrahan – Being reported by Buster Olney that he will take over for Dotel if a trade goes down.  Olney’s forgotten more than I’ll ever know.  Like when he forgot where his keys were to his money green El Dorado, I didn’t even know he had an El Dorado.

Troy Glaus – 1-for-4 as he hits .204 in July with zero homers.  Belch.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4 with 2 homers and a steal.  He has a modest five game hitting streak.  Could end the season with a 20 homers and 15 steals.  Right now he’s at 9/8.  Do the math!

Phil Hughes – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This start might’ve been slightly shortened by rain, but, since the Yanks won’t try and push him, you should expect similar lines going forward.  Ron Washington, “Someone say lines?!”

Reid Brignac – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer in the last week.  Own while hot.

Rick Ankiel – 3-for-4 with his first homer since coming back.  In most mixed leagues, I’d wait to see more.

Scott Podsednik – 2 homers and 4 RBIs.  After the game, he told a reporter, “And I got a hot wife.  WHAT?!”  Then again, that’s his answer to everything.

Chone Figgins – 2-for-3 with a steal as he’s played in both games since him and Wakamatsu fought in the dugout.  Talks are now underway for Figgy and Wakamatsu to star in the re-remake of The Karate Kid.

The 27-year-old, no-name rookie, Daniel Nava, came out of nowhere, hitting a grand slam on the first major league pitch he saw.  This all came after not making his college team, working as their equipment manager, finally playing college ball, going undrafted in the major league draft then being cut by the Chico Outlaws, which I believe is the minor league affiliate for Chico’s Bail Bonds.  Even his ESPN player photo makes it seem like he was in the Witness Protection Program.  Shoot, maybe he is.  If so, I hope Hermida starts his car for him.  Eventually, Nava caught on with the Outlaws, impressed the Sawx and the rest is history.  Nava is old for a rookie and his success at the majors may be short-lived, but he showed a good eye in the minors with modest pop.  He could be a flash-in-the-pan, but he’s worth grabbing in AL-Only leagues and monitoring in mixed leagues.  He may get bumped when Ellsbury returns and then it’s back to egg noodles and ketchup.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Josh Beckett – Played catch from 90 feet.  Guess when he returns he’s going to pitch from 2nd base.

Stephen Strasburg – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 8 Ks.  Gave up only 2 hits, one of them was him getting Pronk’d in the 2nd inning.  As I’ve been saying, his hype is over his value right now.  On a related note, I wonder what the Nats TV ratings look like when Strasburg leaves the game.  Probably a similar ratings plunge to when LC left The Hills.  Who are you, Kristin Cavallari?  I know Heidi Montag.  I know Brody Jenner.  I even know Justin Bobby.  I do not know, Kristin Cavallari.

Austin Jackson – Left the game with back spasms.  Could be a few days of no action Jackson.

Troy Tulowitzki – Out with a strained groin.  Or as they call in the Tulo household, a strained pipski.  Could be back by Tuesday.

Edinson Volquez – Barring any setbacks or an effective test for HGH, Volquez should be back just after the All-Star Break.  Definitely worth stashing if you have DL room.

Zack Greinke – 9 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks and zero opportunities for the Royals bullpen to screw things up.

Joey Votto – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Now has 13 homers and 7 steals while batting .306.  Having exactly the kind of season you’d want from him and he hasn’t even had any prolonged hot streaks.  He’s going to be a good one for a long time.

Billy Butler – 4-for-5 with his 6th homer.  Or 3 homers per moob.

Garrett Jones – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in two games.  In the preseason, I told you to skip Butler and grab Robot Jones later on.  Right now, Robot has 10 homers and 5 steals while batting .274.  Since Butler couldn’t steal 5 bases in a slow pitch softball league, Jones has been more valuable, even if Butler has the bigger name recognition.

Raul Ibanez – Homer yesterday and now hitting .350 over the last week.  Ibanez, “Hello, Corner, I think I’m going to turn you.”  Corner, “About time.”

Jake Fox – Designated for assignment.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with all of these “Unathletic like a Fox” shirts.

Jorge Posada – Two games, two grand slams as the Yankees scored 22 runs in their three game sweep of the Astros.  Now the Orioles and the Astros have something to talk about on their date.

Delmon Young – 1-for-3 with his 8th homer and 3rd in the last week.  It feels like forever and 3 days ago when Young was a big-time prospect, but he’s still only 24 years old.  Grab while hot.

Kevin Slowey – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hey, Slowey, here’s a crazy thought, instead of giving up hits to everyone, how about you walk a few people?

Kris Medlen – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Still hasn’t touched 100 pitches in a game, but has now thrown 5 solid starts in his last six.  Really should be owned everywhere…. Actually should’ve been owned for the last month.

Troy Glaus – 4-for-5, 2 homers.  I get the feeling people are waiting for the other shoe to drop with Glaus, but the only thing that really stood in his way was his health.  If he’s healthy, there’s no reason why he can’t hit 30 homers and .260.  Playing first could be the answer to his health woes.  Hey, maybe the Braves can let Glass Chipper simultaneously play first too.  It’s the WebMD defensive shift.

Tyler Colvin – 0-for-3.  Piniella said he wants to play Colvin more.  Steve Stone said, “Yeah, I thought so.”

Ted Lilly – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Took a no-hitter into the 9th inning as Cubs fans’ brains were clouded with Pappas & beer.  Unfortunately, Pierre pulled a Joyce and singled up the middle.  Lilly has been terrific since he’s returned from the DL.  Hopefully, that jinxes him because I don’t own him anywhere.

Gavin Floyd – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He was mentioned in the post of pitchers who should be better.  Hey, look at that.  He was.

Alcides Escobar – Wait a second… Are my eyes seeing right?  Alcides Escobar has stolen a base in each of the last two games.  Do you believe in miracles?!  Yes!

Prince Fielder – 2 homers, supposedly.  I think it was Corey Hart wearing a Professor Klump Halloween costume.

Colby Lewis – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks as he wowed the crowd in this heated Brewers/Rangers rivalry.  Interleague fail.

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th home run.  Owning Hamilton is like holding your breath for 6 months.  Honestly, I’ve been trying not to talk too much about Hamilton this year because I own him on more teams than I want to admit and I don’t want to jinx him.  Just give me 500 ABs, Hamilton.  Please.

Julio Borbon – 2-for-5 while hitting 2nd and batting .500 over the last week.  He’s not racking up the steals, but he could steal 4 bases in a game any day now and be off and running.  Literally.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd steal.  I think he could be a fantasy first rounder as soon as 2012.  This guy is ridiculously huge and he has speed.  He’s so big the television cameras film him at the plate like Al from The Naked Gun.  You know, the guy who’s head is out of the frame.

Sean Rodriguez – 3-for-3, 2 steals after appearing in Friday’s Buy/Sell, but you knew that already because you read the site.

Jeff Niemann – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Mmm… Sweet, sweet regression.

Jeff Suppan – Signed on with the Cardinals as Dave Duncan takes on his toughest challenge yet.

Chad Qualls – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Someone put him out of his misery.  Or put him in Misery by tying him to a bed and breaking his ankles.

Krispie Young – 3-for-5 and 2 Krispie flies.  Now has 12 homers on the year while hitting a respectable (for him) .277.  According to ESPN’s Player Rater, he’s had top 15 value for all outfielders so far.  I could see him putting it together and walking away with a 30/30 season.

Aubrey Huff – 2-for-4, 2 homers, batting .303 with 10 homers on the year.  Looking like a poor man’s Glaus a.k.a. matte.

Ryan Spilborghs – 3-for-5, 2 homers, hitting almost .700 over the last week as Seth Smith loses time even against righties.  Maybe Seth Smith slept with the Rockie manager’s daughter, Tracy Tracy.

Matt Lindstrom threw 1 IP, 2 ER and his second blown save in two games and third in his last four.  If you’re not reading this until Sunday, he probably blew another game.  Oops, there goes another one.  I grabbed Brandon Lyon in two leagues where he was available.  If it was simply Lindstrom sucking, I’d say you can hold off, but Lindstrom said he has mechanical issues.  You know what mechanical issues are code for, right?  A breakdown.  In the mean’s while, Lyon is just okay.  If I said he was good, I’d be (Mad Lib in your own pun).  But Lyon does have closing experience, so there’s that junebug on the duck’s back or some other yokelism.  As for Matt Capps, his rope is a bit longer, but his shakes haven’t been great either.  Yesterday, he went 2/3 IP, 3 unearned runs and the third time he was Cappsized this year.  Ticker shock due to Cristian Guzman playing about fifty feet too far behind 2nd.  It was Guzman’s third error of the game.  [mind-boggling] I realize the Nats are the Nots without Guzman and all, but there really should’ve been a defensive replacement in this game. [/mind-boggling]  I’d pray that Capps rights his own ship and grab Lyon if you have room.  Besides, Clippard’s probably owned anyway because he has, like, 17 wins.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jack Cust – It took forever and a day, but Cust hit his first home run.  He’s streaky like your hair when you used to wear Zubaz, so if there’s a time to grab Cust, now would be it.

Kurt Suzuki - 2-for-5 with 2 HRs and his 3rd in two games.  I was about to say it doesn’t matter because he’s probably owned everywhere, but then I saw he’s only owned in 35% of ESPN leagues.  Zoinks!  Hey, I’m not a huge fan of Suzuki, but I can’t imagine he’s not better than who some of you own.

Brett Anderson – Left the game after 2 innings with a sore elbow.  I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you; it’s a bad sign.  If I were to read his tea leaves, I’d say he’s probably out until the All-Star Game.  But if I were the type to read tea leaves, I’d probably just spray his elbow with Windex and tell him to go pitch.  I’d hold him for now and hope for the best and expect the opposite.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Hit his 2nd homer in two games.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  How’s that for a hard sell?!  Or is it a hard buy?  Or is it hard up?

Kris Medlen – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, no walks, 4 Ks.  He actually looked even better than the line.  Two infield singles in the 8th scored with one being a broken bat jobber.  Yes, I’m a big fan, but he has a 2.79 ERA on the year; you should be too.

Troy Glaus – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer in his last five games.  He should have 5, but Ibanez robbed him on Wednesday.  Can’t Ibanez do anything right?  No, no he can’t.  BTW, Glaus is only owned in 77% of ESPN leagues.  Glaus who was the NL Player of the Month for May.  It really takes this long to add a guy?  If you’ve abandoned your team, why are you reading this?  For the funnies?  Then skip ahead to Bush, Maggs, Freddy Garcia and Fuentes.

Jason Bartlett – Headed to the DL with moans over his hammy.  The strain was considered mild when it happened last week and now he’s going on the DL.  You deduce what you want from that, but for a guy who gains value for fantasy with his legs this is not a good sign.

Carlos Lee – Back-to-back games with a homer.  I think I said this before, but Lee will hit 25 homers and bat around .270.  At some point, he’s got to get there.  And that’s me thinking I said something I might not have said!

Dave Bush – He said that the scratching this weekend has nothing to do with his finger’s blister.  Maybe the scratching has to do with his lip’s blister.

Mark Teahen – Had surgery on the tip of his middle finger.  Medical name of the surgery is “Fixin’ The Bird.”  Teahen will miss 4-6 weeks.

Carlos Quentin – 1-for-3 with his third homer in his last five games.  As Ozzie said on Twitter:  #it’saboutfreakintime.

Magglio Ordonez – 3-for-5 and came within a single of the cycle.  He would’ve had a single but Jim Joyce called it a homer.

Austin Jackson – 4-for-6 with a .341 average on the year.  It’s nice and all, but he also has only 8 steals and 1 homer.  Also, his BABIP is totally, flippin’ out of control.  Okay, you know how I feel about this guy.  Moving on…

Adam Jones – Hit his 6th homer yesterday.  I was thinking about Adam Jones’s year so far (while laying on my couch, sipping a blender drink).  Really, what’s the best case scenario for Jones?  He had a 19/10 year in ’09, batting .277.  So if he doesn’t take a huge step forward, what are we getting?  We’re getting a poor man’s Pence.  It’s okay, but his team’s offense is terrible, which will limit Runs and RBIs.  When in doubt, I’d still go with the upside, but I think we need to start tempering our expectations.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks and a 2.10 ERA on the year.  Getting lost in the Ubaldo craze is the fact that Josh Johnson actually has a better xFIP and K-rate than Ubaldo.  Hey, maybe Keith Law will vote for Johnson instead of Ubaldo for the NL Cy Young.

Chris Coghlan – 2-for-3 while raising his average from .213 to .249 in ten games.  Yup.

Bobby Jenks – As reported here after being read elsewhere, Jenks is the closer again as he pitched a scoreless inning yesterday to get the save.

Freddy Garcia – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Rangers who can’t hit in away games.  No matter what Gavin Floyd has to say about it.  BTW, this is Freddy Garcia before the game, this is him after when he let his hair down.

Pat Burrell – Likely getting called up by San Francisco this weekend.  I’m gonna go out on a limb and say the bears are gonna love Pat the Bat.  And I’m not talking about the Golden State Bears.  Burrell could be a bat off the bench and he might see a few games a week in the outfield against lefties.  In NL-Only leagues, it’s worth a look.

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, including a 4 strikeout 8th inning as he had his way with the Twins.  His ERA is now down to 3.26 and he looks like the ace you drafted.

Jose Lopez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer in the last 7 games.  On a struggling team, I made a bold (read:  dumb) move last week, trading Cano for Lopez and Garza.  So far, it hasn’t looked terrible, but it’s still early and I have plenty of time to regret it.  Pray for me, Razzballers.

Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 4 ER, 13 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I think how badly he was outpitched by Jered Weaver (7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks) says all that needs to be said.

Torii Hunter – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer.  He also has 5 steals.  I understand everyone wants 5 Ryan Braun’s in their outfield, but I don’t understand when I get comments about dropping guys like Hunter.  Maybe he’s a bit yawnstipating, but he’s on pace for exactly what he should be.  Somewhere in the 25/17 neighborhood.  What were the royal you looking for when you drafted him?

Brian Fuentes – 1 IP, 2 ER for the save.  He gave up a two-run homer to Willie Bloomquist.  That’s like when a prostitute has sex with a hobo out of pity.