Dontrelle Willis, the flat-billed pitchypus in question, was traded to the Diamondbacks for a half-used #2 pencil and a race car-shaped eraser. When a team trades a guy and still has to pay the majority of his salary, it’s usually not a good sign. I have maintained in the past that maybe the only thing eating at Dontrelle was the Tigers taking away the best aspect of his game –> his hitting. It’s still not a reason to pick him up. It’s not like the Diamondbacks stadium is a pitchers’ haven. Let someone else take the flat-billed pitchypus under their wing and nurture it back to health. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mark Teixeira – Day-to-day after he left the game with a bruised foot, which is far less tasty than a braised foot. Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Nats will probably bring Stephen Strasburg into Washington in the bubble car with the albino John Lannan charged with throwing rose petals at his feet. This was recently overheard in the Nats bathroom sometime in the near future, “Um, John, do you think you can stop with the petals?” “Stephen, it’s my duty.” “Yeah, well, this is my doodie and I’m going to be about 20 minutes.” “Fair enough, sire!” I went over Strasburg for fantasy already. Been there, drunkenly wrote that. I’m not changing my projections from that post. A three and a half ERA seems optimistic enough. Could he do a 2.75 ERA? Sure, but I’m not counting on that. I’m already giving him what I think we can get from Greinke. So a 3.50 ERA… Let’s see, who else could bring such luster to our fantasy El Camino. In 303 and a third 2nd half innings over the last three years, Bronson Arroyo has a 3.06 ERA. Would anyone in their right mind trade Strasburg for Arroyo? Not right now. The hype is way too strong with the young Austrian. Today, I think you can sell Strasburg for someone’s kidney. I’m not sure what you’d do with three kidneys. Maybe a bookend. Think about how you felt owning Matusz, Smoak, Ike Davis, etc. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hisanori Takahashi had a nearly identical line last night as his last start; 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. A) I’m chalking it up to his histrionic delivery. All of it. You baffle people who haven’t seen you when you throw the ball between your legs and shake your tukis afterwards. B) Did I just say tukis? Hey, I’m Eli Whiteside! C) He could continue to baffle people for a good couple of months. D) He plays in Metco. E) I can’t believe there was a D let alone an E. F) A long long way to run. G) He gets the Padres next. H) He’s in the NL on a team that can win some games. Why not own him? Seriously, grab him now. I) Am writing this. J) Buhner. K) There’s no K, there’s never a K. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Reyes – 2-for-4 and a home run. Thank you, Lord. Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Disgraceful List claimed two more yesterday, Josh Beckett and Grady Sizemore. Neither is a big surprise. Closest Grady Sizemore came to taking off this year was in his amateur Playgirl shoot. Even when he hit a home run, the rain washed it away. The Indians are talking about knee surgery for Grady. Turns out Tom Sizemore isn’t the only Sizemore with a joint problem. I’d DL Sizemore until more news surfaces, but, if recent history is any indication, new news (stutter much?) will be bad news. As for Josh Beckett, I’m more optimistic. He can miss a few weeks, put this back injury behind him (literally!) and return. Will he be effective on his return? What, I’m Nostradumbass? I don’t know, but it’s possible he has a decent half season. I wouldn’t trade for him, but I would pick him up off waivers and stash him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before I jump into the roundup, quick bit of business. No one likes to have to ask for shizz, but this voting thing at the Refresh Challenge is for a good cause. To up the stakes, we’re donating a $100 gift card to Wal-Mart. All you have to do is vote and comment “Razzball” over at the voting site. The comment names will be chosen at random on Monday and the winner will be announced here. That link again is http://pep.si/abEtbm — Wow, I feel like George Clooney. Anyway II, here’s the roundup:
Trevor Hoffman – Probably should be headed to the Disgraceful List but in the meantime the Brewers say he won’t pitch for a few days while he works on his mechanics. Carlos Villanueva and Todd Coffey are the pickups, in that order. Or the reverse order if you’re dyslexic. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hanley Ramirez said he wasn’t lollygagging after the ball. I see his point. You can’t chase after the ball. You kick the ball to the curb, neg it then hope the ball comes back to you. That’s Pickup Artist Rules 101. Hanley was benched yesterday and now there’s talk he may get traded. Fredi said, “We don’t want the game played like that in front of our fans.” Insert your “There are no Marlin fans” joke here. I don’t think he’s traded away. In fact, I think all this shizz blows over in a day or so. What are the Marlins going to do? Trade away their best player? As someone in the audience of Jerry Springer might say, “Pay first month on that puh-lease.” Fredi Gonzalez will be out of job before Hanley gets traded. Hanley being Manny and the Marlins will learn to deal with it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Cameron Maybin – Hit his 2nd homer of the year. That’s so Maybin! Please, blog, may I have some more?
Javier Vazquez went seven innings, giving up 2 ER with 7 baserunners and recording 7 Ks as he lowered his ERA to 8.10. Though, he could’ve gave up 6 runs in 7 innings and would’ve lowered his ERA. Do I think Javy released his inner leprechaun and found the pot on the other side of his crappy pitching? Yes and no. There was no way Vazquez was going to pitch a 9.78 ERA all year. I mean, c’mon, that was obscene. He had given up more runs than innings. He was getting Pwnson’d every time out. The rest of the way he should be around a 4 to 4.50 ERA guy. There’s room to own that, but don’t expect last year this year, clear? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Phil Hughes – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks and now has a 1.38 ERA on the year. I really wanted to own Hughes this year. Alas, it didn’t happen. Alas II, I did draft Joba. Alas III, I dropped Joba before he got any saves. Alas IV, there’s no Alas IV. Dur. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Trevor Hoffman has been lights out all year. Maybe he jumped in the Cocoon pool. Octavio Dotel? The post office said they’re going to a five day week because of cutbacks and the amount of fan mail coming in for Dotel. Now hold the preceding up to a mirror. Dotel as a Pirate has done nothing except plunder his fantasy owners’ goodwill. Even Roger ain’t Jolly. The Hoff looks drunk. And Trevor too. The pickups for this duo of dud is Carlos Villanueva, Joel Hanrananananan, Brendan Donnelly, Evan Meek, Hawkins, Coffey, Shelley Duvall, the guy at Subway that kinda skeeves you out, the Polish Sausage in the 7th inning stretch race and Cher. Pick them up in that order. For full disclosure, I grabbed Hanaranananan because Villanueva was taken in all of my leagues. I didn’t go deeper than that. Some shituations just aren’t worth the ulcer. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Garrett Jones – 2-for-7, 1 RBI. After his first four at-bats yielded 4 Ks, Robot really turned it on. Fool him 5 times, shame on Robot. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Alex Trebek, “Nelson Cruz, Josh Hamilton and Ian Kinsler.” What’s the deal with all of these Rangers having all the upside in the world but not being able to stay healthy? Alex, “Um, okay, we would’ve also accepted, ‘Who are some Ranger players?’ Oh, and nice mustache.” Nelson Cruz has hit the DL five times in his short career. Always with these little niggling injuries. Shoulder fatigue this, ankle sprain that. Someone get this guy some HGH. I’d like to see a rule put into place that every player who has an injury needs to make two phone calls before they’re able to go on the DL. One phone call to discuss their injury with Cal Ripken. Another phone call to a Holocaust survivor. If they can handle the guilt and still think their injury should force them out of action, then so be it. Nelson Cruz will be out at least two weeks. Nothing you can do but DL him and try to find a decent replacement. David Murphy’s a good in-house one. Though he needs to benched by you and the Rangers vs. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Miguel Montero is out with a torn meniscus. I can think of other cuss words that his owners may be thinking right now. A knee problem seems like a bad thing for a guy who’s supposed to be crouching for 9 innings. Like a can’t-Catch 22. Montero was a popular sleeper pick to enter the premium catcher tier of Mauer/Martinez/McCann after a strong 2nd half, but the only thing he’ll have in common is the M factor. It’s unclear if he’ll be out for at least a month or longer. Either way, Snyder now has a full time gig. And that’s about where the good news ends. Don’t get caught up in the Montero afterglow. Snyder has a career .233 average in over fourteen hundred at-bats and averages about 15 homers over a full season of ABs. So, ya know, you can probably do better even if Chris Snyder hit a homer yesterday with 5 RBIs in Arizona’s blowout (last time Arizona scored that much on Pittsburgh was the Super Bowl). Actually, Snyder’s a surefire top 10 catcher if he gets 100 more games against the Pirates. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Frank Francisco – I go about buying closers like I buy wine. I pick up a closer. Swirl it around in my glass, take a quick waft and whiff then I guzzle it. Two Buck Chuck tastes the same to me as a twenty-year-old Bordeaux. In fact, I don’t even know if a twenty-year-old Bordeaux is good. I’m guessing and too lazy to Google it. I’ll drink a red wine with chicken, a Chardonnay with a Nathan all-beef frank. Doesn’t matter to me. Mad Dog 20/20 and ice passes the “cheap and it will get me drunk” test. So it’s only natural I ended up with a bunch of cheap closers. Frank-Frank was one of them. Belch. Frank2 is out for the near future in favor of Neftali Feliz. Could Feliz run with the job and end up having it all year? Yup. Frank-Frank went womp-womp. I wouldn’t drop Francisco yet, except in the shallowest of leagues. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Clayton Kershaw went 4 and two-thirds innings, giving up three earned and 11 baserunners. Six of those ducks on the pond were walks. That’s 1-2-3-4-5-6 walks. Versus the Pirates. A team that had a .318 OBP last year. Sure, this year they’re starting with Robot Jones, “I must kill the Queen,” but c’mon. How did I convince myself a pitcher who can’t get through 5 innings was a good idea? I blame all of you. Someone should of said something. And if you did say something, you should used more exclamation marks or a bigger font. This is not your beautiful wife, this is not your beautiful house, this is a pitcher who walks the ballpark. On the bright side — and let’s face it, we need a bright side since not all of us live on the first floor — Kershaw was very bad last April too. He’ll get better. Or at least I keep telling myself that. Convincing, right? No, really he will. Right? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Aaron Cook – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 Ks. Can you smell what the Cook is rocking? Smells like Dwayne Johnson’s movie career. Please, blog, may I have some more?