Fantasy Baseball Advice

Brandon Morrow lost the no-hitter but pitched as well as any pitcher this year.  9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks and 17 Ks.  Though not everyone was impressed.  When reached for comment after the game, Adam Lind said, “If you gave me 27 outs, I could strike out 17 times.”  Did Morrow go near-no-no vs. the Rays on sheer will or does he have this pedigree?  Is he Edwin Jackson no-no or is he Garza no-no? I’d put him in the 2nd phat camp.  The only thing holding Morrow back from ace territory is the walks.  At 26, there’s time to fix that.  Potatoes to chips, he’s only 26 years old and he LEADS (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) the major leagues for starters in K-rate.  You think I’m gonna be excited about drafting him next year?  Rhetorical!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Vernon Wells – Day-to-day with a dislocated toe.  I’ve dislocated my car keys before and sometimes I’ll dislocate one sock from a pair, but to dislocate a toe is pretty scary.

J.P. Arencibia – 4-for-5 with 2 homers in his first game.  Maybe we can fix Mr. Arencibia up with Momma Molina and get ourselves some more Arencibias.

Jonathan Sanchez – 4 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I like when he’s Filthy Sanchez; I want to strangle someone when he’s Sloppy Sanchez.

Omar Infante – 1-for-4 with a home run.  His fantasy value is infantesimal, but he does lead the majors in average the last 30 days.

Takashi Saito – Got the save because Billy Wagner worked the last three days.  In that way Wagner’s like my car, it’s good for about three days then I have to go to my mechanic.

Kevin Slowey – His sore elbow is causing his next start to get pushed back a few days.  Figures it happens just when he started pitching well.  Why don’t you just take my pea puree while you’re at it?

Matt LaPorta – 3-for-4 and his second homer in 3 games.  We’ve had a few false starts from LaPorta this year where it looked like he was about to get hot.  Might finally be there now.  And that’s me lukewarmly recommending LaPorta!

Chris Carter – Was called up yesterday.  With Daric Barton nursing shoulder spasms, Carter will see the bulk of the time at 1st base.  Carter was #9 on the top 50 prospects for fantasy baseball.  Hit 27 homers with a .262 average in Triple-A this year while driving in 89 RBIs.  He can be Ryan Howard in a year or two.  If Morrow didn’t pitch the game of the season, Carter would’ve been your lead for today’s roundup.  He’s a must grab in keepers and AL-Only leagues, though I imagine he’s gone already.  In mixed leagues, I’d grab him if I needed help at my corner infidel spot.  I expect he’ll give you what Stanton’s been giving you minus the steals (power, low average), but there’s upside for more.

Andrew Bailey – Will need at least another week.  Oh, and Wuertz got another save yesterday.

Angel Pagan – 2-for-4 with two steals to bring his total to 26.  Nice that at least someone is stealing on the Mets.  Reyes, my sarcasm is directed towards you.  If you’re not Jose Reyes you can skip ahead, this is for him.  Not sure what’s going on, but you look so tentative on the base paths.  You wait until the 4th or 5th pitch of ABs to steal and, by point, the hitter is either striking out or fouling the ball off.  Run on the first pitch!  Now let’s do our 17 step handshake.

Raul Ibanez – 1-for-4 and a 15 game hitting streak with 4 homers.  I-BON-yes.

Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  For the person who is going to ask, no, I still don’t like Porcello.  I promise December Grey will reevaluate.

Jack Wilson – Fractured his right hand in a slip in the bathroom as he put the oofa in loofah.

Trevor Hoffman – Took longer than I thought it would, but the Brewers are finally saying Hoffman and Axford will share closing duties.  If you’re an Axford owner, hope it doesn’t take Hoffman as many opportunities for his 600th as it took A-Rod.

Jeremy Hellickson – Wade Davis and Jeff Niemann are both experiencing shoulder tightness and Hellickson is being held out of his Triple-A start on Tuesday in case the Rays need him.  I’d grab Hellickson now because I doubt both pitchers will be pushed with shoulder issues.

Carlos Gonzalez – 4-for-5, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs with his 25th homer and 18th steal.  CarGo’s the King of the Slam & Legs.  I think he’s officially moving into overrated territory for 2011.

Pedro Alvarez – On Saturday, he hit his third homer in the last five games.  He now has 10 homers in 167 ABs.  Since the royal we are on the topic of 2011, I think I know who I’m ending up with next year when I punt 3rd base.

Alfredo Simon – Got the save as he gave up two runs.  Buck Showalter, if this is the stamp you’re putting on the O’s, it’s making you look Sally Draper crazy.

Felix Pie – 1-for-4 with a homer.  This week he also has 2 steals while hitting near-.350.  Could be a source of light power and light speed.  He’s like a poor man’s Big FraGu.

Jason Vargas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and has a 3.12 ERA on the year.  His K:BB and K-rate is far from inspiring but he gets the Indians next time out.  Seems like a decent H2H gamble (no relation to Rudy).

Chone Figgins – 2-for-3 with his 3rd steal this week.  Holy douchetards, Figgy is finally hitting (over .450 in the last week).

Everth Cabrera – 3-for-4, when I saw he had three hits, I immediately thought to myself, has he done that yet this year?  He had.  On the 2nd day of the season.  Ah fanabla…

Jerry Hairston Jr. – 3-for-4, 4 Runs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Jerry Hairston Sr. who?!  Huh?!  I don’t picture Jr. going on some kind of homer barrage, but he’s shortstop eligible, so there’s that.

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The Padres haven’t let him throw more than a 100 pitches in a month.  Cust kayin’.

Chris Coghlan – Done for the year with surgery to repair the injury that he sustained while smashing a cream pie in Wes Helms’ face.  Coghlan vowed that next time he will just squeeze his lapel flower and squirt Helms with water.

Leo Nunez – Edwin Rodriguez, the Marlins manager, said that if Nunez doesn’t cut out blowing saves, he’s turning to a closer by committee. When Edwin said it, he made the Full House ‘cut it out’ hand motion.  I grabbed Clay Hensley.  Afterwards, I thought to myself, did I really just pick up Clay Hensley?

Gordon Beckham – Out with a sore groin.  Ozzie said, “I don’t think it’s that bad.  I don’t know if he was diving for the ball, or it was just a tight groin. We’ll go by ears how he feels.”  I think Ozzie’s confusing seashells with groins.

Angel Sanchez – Hitting .500 over the last week.  When I was looking at hitters to pickup for today’s short schedule, I looked at Angel Sanchez for a long time, but I got William Shatner finger and I….just…couldn’t….pick…him…up.

Andrew McCutchen has a mild sprain of the AC joint.  Sucks this is happening in the hottest part of the summer.  If something happened to my AC right now, I’d be so— The smart part of my brain buried under ten years of pot smoking and alcohol abuse whispers, “The AC joint has nothing to do with air conditioning.”  “Shut up, Smart Part Of My Brain.  If that’s even your real name.”  With this AC issue, he runs the risk of overheating– Smart Part Of My Brain, “No, seriously.  Google it.”  *Googling, reading WebMD, asking Smart Part Of My Brain to translate*  Oh, forget it, by the time I did all of that, the Pirates are already saying it’s a day-to-day issue.  He should be out there Monday or some time soon thereafter.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Paul Maholm – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K as he threw his 2nd career shutout.  If you know when his first career shutout was, there’s a good chance you’re Paul Maholm.

Garrett Jones – So far in July (around a .200 average) it looks like someone left Robot Jones out in the rain, but yesterday he hit his 2nd homer in five games.

Roy Oswalt – He left his start after taking a liner off his ankle.  Here’s another vote for cankles.  You goofed, God, cankles are more durable.  Oswalt didn’t immediately leave the game because his head’s obviously harder than his ankles.  He should make his next start.

Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 with his 2nd steal in three games.  For those hurting for steals, SAGNOF!

Jhonny Peralta – Hit an inside the park home run that took 16.74 seconds or slower than 5 average home run trots, according to the Home Run Tracker.  It’s obviously not easy carrying around that extra H.

Kerry Wood – Hit the DL with a blister.  Now the Indians will be lucky to trade him for $24 in trinkets.  Chris Perez is the pickup.

Alex Sanabia – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Alex, or Alejandro as he’s known within the Gaga community, is crazy raw.  So far he’s had two starts against the Nats and Diamondhacks and he’s averaging just over 4 innings per start.  At 21-years-old, I wouldn’t go near him outside of NL-Only leagues for now.  That could change.

Travis Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Wondering if you should get Wood?  He gets the Astros next.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his first home run of the season while batting .462 on the Blue Kays.  Thank God for those Canadian exchange rates!

Shaun Marcum – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I didn’t voice this on the blog, but I was worried about Marcum returning from his elbow issue.  Looks like I was just being paranoid.  Who said that?!

Rickie Weeks – 3-for-4 and two homers.  I feel like every year I drafted Weeks and he was hurt has made this year possible.  Unfortunately, I don’t own him this year.  Thanks, Weeks.  I will now walk into traffic.

Trevor Hoffman – Could someone sneak into Miller Park and put blinking lights around the “596 Saves” banner so I can pretend there’s a reason I’m holding onto Hoffman?

Corey Hart – Word on the streets of the Tony Gwynn Rotunda is the Padres are interested in Corey Hart.  SELL!!!

Matt Diaz – 3-for-4 and his third homer.  Yes, it was off a lefty.  Yes, it’s that simple.

Jack Cust – Hit his third homer in the last four games.  Grab while hot.  Cust homerin’.

Vin Mazzaro – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  That’s nice, I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Carlos Pena – 6 for his last 10 with 2 homers.  Is it me or has he hit his 20 homers in, like, 4 games?  Either way, he’s hot and will probably get to 25 homers by next Sunday.

David Price – 5 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks.  If you risked starting him vs. the Yankees, you paid the Price.

Andy Pettitte – Could be out for a month as he heads to the DL with a Grade 1 groin strain.  I didn’t strain my groin until Grade 7.

A.J. Burnett – Hurt his hand bursting through the clubhouse doors, after originally saying that he hurt his hand while smashing a cream pie into Swisher’s face.  Guess he was trying to impress his mom, Carol.

Vicente Padilla – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K.  I know it seems against everything you believe in, but you really should pick up Padilla.

Shin-Soo Choo – Hopes to return on Friday.  Wasn’t he supposed to be out for the rest of the season?  I have a feeling South Korea mentioned to Choo that he has military obligations if he’s not playing baseball.

Brian Roberts – Who?  Oh!  Brian Roberts, that’s right.  I think he plays 2nd base or something.  Juan Samuel, the guy they’re calling manager for now, says Roberts will return in less than 2 weeks.  If he was dropped, then take a flyer that Roberts returns at seventy-five percent.  I’m guessing it will be closer to fifty though.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-4 and his 2nd steal in the last four games.  He’s batting over .500 in the last week.  All aboard!

Jose Reyes – Last week, the Mets said Reyes wouldn’t return until he was 100% pain-free.  Now Reyes is set to return on Monday.  Does this mean Reyes is 100% pain-free or are the Mets a bunch of jokers?

Josh Beckett – Set to return on Friday.  Geez, were him and Brad Penny sharing doctors like they used to share Alyssa Milano?  I’d grab Beckett if he’s out there, but I wouldn’t start him in his first start back.

Scott Kazmir – To the DL with shoulder fatigue.  The shoulder had no comment, but it was seen waving a white flag.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-4 with his 16th homer.  Napoli generates more questions than any player about whether or not people should drop him.  I’m at a loss on how to communicate to you that you should just put a catcher, namely Napoli, in your catcher spot and let him be.  Ron Popeil said it best, “Set it and forget it.”  Obviously it’s my fault why people continue to ask whether they should drop Napoli.  So my question to you, loyal Razzball reader, is how do I communicate it better?  I can give you stats.  Napoli leads all major league catchers in homers.  On ESPN’s Player Rater, he’s a top five catcher for the season.  Oh, and his Mom once showed nipple to a room of people.  (Google “Mike Napoli” + Mom.  You’re welcome.)  What more do you need?  Help me help you.

Chris Denorfia – 4-for-4 with 2 homers.  I once dated a girl named Chris Denorfia.  That’s kinda weird.

Mat Latos – To the DL.  This was overheard this weekend in San Diego, “We have to skip Latos’ start to limit his workload, but then we’ll be left a man short.  Unless we were to enter his dream-within-a-dream-within-a-dream-within-a-dream and tell him to say he hurt his oblique while sneezing.”

For the first time in over two years, Jonathan Papelbon is no longer a $12 Salad.  I know, call your Congressman.  Pass Prop 12.  There’s been signs for a long time that he wasn’t the same closer from 2007.  I didn’t want to move him because he seemed like the epitome of a $12 Salad.  Overpriced lettuce? Yeah, random italicized voice, sorta.  Cool, now I’m totally confused. I think Papelbon has the name value attached to him that makes him seem more attractive than he really is.  His WHIP is kinda bleh.  His ERA’s kinda ugly.  His dancing is hideous.  For the first time in a while, I can see Papelbon’s cracks.  And, uh, cracks kill.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Joba Chamberlain, Damaso Marte)
2. Jonathan Broxton (-1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Ramon Troncoso)
3. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
4. Jose Valverde (+3) (Phil Coke, Ryan Perry)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Heath Bell (+2) (Luke Gregerson, Mike Adams)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano)
7. Joakim Soria (-2) (Robinson Tejeda, Kyle Farnsworth)
8. Billy Wagner (+5) (Takashi Saito, Peter Moylan)
9. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Chris Ray)
10. Rafael Soriano (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)
11. Andrew Bailey (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler)
12. Ryan Franklin (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan)
13. Jonathan Papelbon (-10) (Daniel Bard, Hideki Okajima)
14. Neftali Feliz (+7) (Frank Francisco, Darren O’Day)
15. Leo Nunez (+2) (Brian Sanches)
16. Francisco Cordero (-2) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
17. Jon Rauch (-2) (Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
18. Matt Capps (+1) (Tyler Clippard, Drew Storen)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Brian Fuentes– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Napoli in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. David Aardsma (-3) (Brandon League)
20. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon, Jeff Fulchino)
21. Brian Fuentes (-3) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen)
22. Octavio Dotel (Evan Meek, Joel Hanrahan)
23. Brad Lidge (+5) (Jose Contreras, Danys Baez, Chad Durbin)
24. Bobby Jenks (-1) (J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
25. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
26. Huston Street (-1) (Manny Corpas, Matt Belisle, Rafael Betancourt)
27. John Axford (+2) (Trevor Hoffman, Zach Braddock, Carlos Villanueva)
28. Kerry Wood (-2) (Chris Perez, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
29. Alfredo Simon (+1) (David Hernandez, Jason Berken, Mike Gonzalez)
30. Aaron Heilman (-3) (Chad Qualls, Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez, R.B.I. Baseball’s Mike Scott)

Jimmy Rollins went 0-for-4 in his return from the DL.  After the game, Charlie Manuel said… Actually, no one’s sure because he was chewing a piece of straw at the time.  I wouldn’t just yet start blowing your vuvuzela at your TV set that’s broadcasting the Philly game expecting an explosive 2nd half from Rollins.  J-Roll lost 16 steals from 2008 to 2009 and is now 31-years-old and on a bad set of wheels.  He’s in a great place to succeed — the Philly lineup and hitter-friendly Citizens Flank.  In a half a season, you may only get 10/15 with a .270 average.  It’s nice, but this isn’t your slightly older brother’s NL MVP anymore.  This is a guy that is one poor 2nd half away from plummeting in the shortstop rankings.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jamie Moyer – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He attributes his success to how well he prepares for each opponent.  Here he is checking the Indians’ scouting report.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Rays.  Has a WHIP of 0.95 and a 2.93 ERA.  He’s real and he’s spectacular.  Now I’m more concerned about the Padres actually battling for the NL West and putting too many innings on Latos’ arm.  Please don’t do that, I wanna own him next year.

Jose Bautista – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  I wonder if Aaron Hill watches him, muttering, “I was the toast of Toronto!”

Brett Cecil – 5 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I wouldn’t read too much into this if it hadn’t come right after a 5 earned in 6 inning game vs. the Padres.  Cecil could be going through a tired arm.

Matt Wieters – 1-for-3 with a home run.  A Matt Wieters Fact:  After Matt Wieters last home run, he went 0-for-16.

Jake Fox – Orioles made their first move for the pennant chase, trading for Jake Fox.  Now if they can get their hands on 9 hitters, 5 starters, a bullpen, a closer and a manager, they could be unstoppable.  I’m the first one to go caca-cuckoo for Jake Fox, but he needs an every day job and needs to hit.  So for now the “Unathletic Like A Fox” t-shirts are still on the shelf.

Mike Gonzalez – Threw a scoreless inning as he started his rehab.  The O’s are looking for the closer role to be ‘A Mike G. Joint’ before the All-Star break.

Roy Oswalt – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a no decision.  Is it me or has this been his line every time out?  No, it’s not me.  It has.

Angel Pagan – 4-for-6, 3 Runs and 4 RBIs.  Are you an angel?  Are you a pagan?  A devil worshiping angel?  And neither names are pronounced as they seem?  It’s all very confusing.  What is not confusing is he’s the Metropolitans’ best hitter.  Can’t bench Pagan for Beltran.  Cannot do it.  People need to show up at Metco with “Benchy Frenchy” signs.  Take some initiative, Mets fans.  You’re our only hope.

Jose Reyes – 3-for-6 with his 18th steal.  Hmm… Let’s see, I’d like him to have 27 steals by the All-Star break.  Make it happen.  Oh, bee tee dubya, Reyes has the same number of RBIs as Jason Bay.  Zoinks!

Justin Verlander – 2 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I recognize this line from somewhere.  I know!  It’s one of his April lines.  June to Verlander, come in Verlander.

Brennan Boesch – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer.  I’m waiting for the bottom to drop out with Boesch, but I’m enjoying him on a few teams in the meantime, which I guess makes it happytime.

Andy Oliver – Will take over Porcello’s rotation spot for the time being.  Oliver is only 14 starts into his pro career, rocking a 8+ K/9, 3.61 ERA and 1.28 WHIP at Double-A Erie, which makes it scary that the Tigers are promoting him already.  It’s one way to kill a prospect’s confidence.  Another way is to hide “You suck” notes in their locker and sign them, “Love, Mom.”  With his Ks, I’d grab him in deep H2H leagues and AL-Only leagues for a chance at lightning in a bottle.  Or if you feel like it’s a last ditch effort to save an already declining team, add Oliver and the always precocious, Brian Bonsall.

Nelson Cruz – 0-for-3 as he returned from the DL.  I just hope this doesn’t now mean it’s Vlad or Hamilton’s turn to get injured.  Please let the Texas scales of injury tip towards Matt Treanor.

Julio Borbon – Hit his 2nd homer of the year.  Otherwise known as one more homer than Ian Kinsler.

Tommy Hunter – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hard to recommend him outside of deep leagues because of his K-rate, but he’s pitching well and had a good July last year.  Or so I read yesterday.  Hey, wait, I wrote that yesterday too.  Weird!

Brian McCann – Hit his 8th homer yesterday.  Let me guess, his eyes are better?  Stupid McCann with his stupid eyes.

Tommy Hanson – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, 14 baserunners, 0 Ks, now has a 4.17 ERA on the year.  I was criticized pretty heavily in the preseason when I said I was avoiding Hanson in all of my leagues (also in that tier of avoidance:  Vazquez and Scherzer).  Luckily, those critics are back tweeting funny karaoke stories with Matthew Berry.

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-4 with a three-run homer.  And this preseason sleeper of mine hasn’t looked as good.  He really is more talented than what he’s shown, but he has been severely disappointing.  (Hey, who said has been?)  Maybe this is the start of something.  Though I wouldn’t hold my breath.  You could die.

Scott Baker – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Geez, Baker, make up your freakin’ mind.  You turning your season around or aren’t you?  Very frustrating.  (BTW, I saw A. Burnett gave up two runs in middle relief for the Twins and for a second I was like, “Damn, A.J. Burnett is now giving up runs for the Twins on his day off?”)

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Sawx.  Sonavabench!

Huston Street – Was activated from the DL, but Matt Belisle got his 2nd career save as Tracy made a point about not rushing Street back into a pressure situation.  This has to be one of the sillier things a manager does.  He’s been a closer his whole career, it’s three outs, just throw Street.  I wouldn’t grab Belisle unless you’re crazy desperate for saves.  I wouldn’t drop Corpas either because who knows how long Street’s going to be nursing from Tracy’s teet.

Matt Kemp – Hit his 12th homer, but no one was on base because he was batting seventh.  TORRE!!!

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  His lack of strikeouts is obvious, but he’s a 2nd half beast that’s turned it on already.

Coco Crisp – Returned from the DL early and hit his first homer of the year.  Oh, snap! *soft voice* Crackle, pop.

Jason Vargas – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  There’s a lot of smoke mirrors going on with Vargas, but his ballpark does end in -co.

Trevor Hoffman – Ken Macha said Hoffman could reclaim the closer role.  Then Axford asked why.  Then Macha said cuz.  Then Axford went out and got his fifth straight save.

Carlos Silva – Start is being pushed until Saturday due to a hamstring injury.  Silva told the media, “This is very disappointing because for many years I’ve shown nothing but love for everything associated with ham.”

Anibal Sanchez – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I wonder if Anibal and Gaby have ever been on a double date with two girls named, Bill and Kevin.

The Brain Freezes lived up to their names last month.  With Jenks, Hoffman, Gregg, Dotel, Lidge, Funklin Morales, Qualls, Perez, Wood and Simon all putting dry ice on your fantasy baseball team and then shattering it.  No one ever said owning Brain Freezes would be easy, but does it have to be this hard?  Can’t I just Ron Popeil my Jenkses and Hoffmen and let them be?  No, of course, I can’t.  It would be too easy.  I come from the school that if a guy has a chance to earn even one save, I’ll own them.  Sometimes this yields 6 saves from Alfredo Simon, other times this yields 12 earned runs in a third of an inning from Will Ohman. (It’ll happen, don’t you worry about that.)  So they may give you an ulcer, but I’d own them.  Brain Freezes are the nuts and sometimes they crack.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Jonathan Broxton (+1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Ramon Troncoso, George Sherrill)
2. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Joba Chamberlain, Damaso Marte)
3. Jonathan Papelbon (-2) (Daniel Bard, Hideki Okajima)
4. Carlos Marmol (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Joakim Soria (Kyle Farnsworth, Josh Rupe)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano, Jenrry Mejia)
7. Heath Bell (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
8. Jose Valverde (Joel Zumaya, Ryan Perry)
9. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Dan Runzler)
10. Rafael Soriano (+2) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour)
11. Andrew Bailey (+5) (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler)
12. Ryan Franklin (+2) (Kyle McClellan, Jason Motte)
13. Billy Wagner (Takashi Saito, Peter Moylan)
14. Francisco Cordero (-3) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
15. Jon Rauch (Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
16. David Aardsma (-5) (Brandon League, Shawn Kelley)
17. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Brian Sanches)
18. Brian Fuentes (-1) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen, Scot Shields)
19. Matt Capps (Tyler Clippard, Drew Storen)
20. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon, Jeff Fulchino)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Chad Qualls– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit LaRoche in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. Neftali Feliz (+7) (Frank Francisco, Chris Ray)
22. Octavio Dotel (+1) (Evan Meek, Brendan Donnelly, Joel Hanrahan)
23. Manny Corpas (+3) (Rafael Betancourt, Huston Street)
24. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
25. Bobby Jenks (-3) (Matt Thornton, J.J. Putz)
26. Kerry Wood (+2) (Chris Perez, Rafael Perez)
27. Chad Qualls (Aaron Heilman, Juan Gutierrez)
28. Jose Contreras/Brad Lidge (-2) (Danys Baez, Chad Durbin)
29. John Axford (-7) (Trevor Hoffman, Carlos Villanueva, Todd Coffey, LaTroy Hawkins, Polish Sausage Mascot)
30. Will Ohman (Frank Mata, Alfredo Simon, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez, Cal Ripken Jr., Cal Ripken Jr. Jr.)