Fantasy Baseball Advice

I wanna just throw away this first start by Yunesky Maya.  Just ignore it.  The reason why I’m having a hard time throwing it away, young Razzball reader, is because I watched him pitch.  I’m no scout with fancy scouting degrees from fancy scouting schools where people chew toothpicks and spit chew.  I just know what I see.  And what I saw yesterday was a guy who throws junk.  His stuff didn’t look very overpowering.  Reminded me a bit of El Duque without the Funky Cold Delivery.  Maybe Maya’s start yesterday was due to nerves.  It’s not easy to live up to some recent Cuban raftees.  Maya’s Cuban league numbers tell us he’s a guy who should be owned in keepers and dynasty leagues.  He did, after all, win The Luis Tiant, the Cuban Cy Young award.  And potentially even more enticing with Maya is he’s already 29-years-old, which means he should be in the prime of his career.  In redraft leagues, losing to Dillon Gee, who sounds like a bank robber from the 1890s, isn’t a great confidence boost to recommend him for 2010.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Hamilton – With me away on vacation for Labor Day, obviously no one took up the slack to pray every 2 hours towards Mecca that Hamilton wouldn’t get injured.  Thanks, guys (and 3 girls)!  (How was my vacation?  Thanks for asking!  It was all right.  You know how when you don’t look at something for a while you come back to it with fresh eyes and see things differently?  It’s the Jigsaw Puzzle Theorem as demonstrated by your 12-year-old nephew who can’t figure out how to complete the 101 Dalmatians jigsaw then, when he revisits it the next day, it all fits into place.  That’s what happened with me.  I had this stain dead center on my monitor for the better part of 3 months then, when I returned yesterday, I realized it was just dried tomato sauce and scratched it off with a fingernail.  Puttanesca, you dirty sauce!)

Elvis Andrus – Will be out until Friday with hammy woes.  I still like Elvis and his bedazzled upside for next year, but you need to find someone who’s producing this year in redraft leagues.  (BTW, I have a fat Elvis picture across from my refrigerator in a room I call my kitsch’n.)

David Murphy – 3-for-4 and hitting .400 over the last week.  Also hitting third with Hamilton out.  He gets a lefty today (bleh) but then some righties.

Alex Rodriguez – The problem is for a lot of these players on contending teams, they’re not needed anymore in the regular season.  And there’s the pickle with H2H leagues.  A-Rod may coast the rest of the season, making sure he doesn’t re-injure himself.  Hamilton’s in this cluster of muckety mucks too.

Jay Bruce – See Alex Rodriguez or 1/8th of an inch above.

Justin Upton – Then you have the opposite side of that same coin.  The Diamondbacks aren’t anywhere near a playoff spot, so they won’t force Upton back into action.

Barry Enright – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Uncle Barry violated my no-no area over and over again.

Vernon Wells – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs, 2 Runs and 2 homers.  But I’m pretty sure Bautista actually hit one of those homers.

John Buck – 2-for-4 with his 17th homer.  John Buck has 17 homers?!  Make sure to sign the petition to have a humidor put in the Rogers Centre.

Dillon Gee – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Gee, that’s great.  Unfortunately, he had a 4.96 ERA in Triple-A this year.  That’s a pass.

Ike Davis – 2-for-3 with his 18th homer.  Now has 3 homers in his last 4 games and hitting .364 over the last week.  Look at Ike smacking that pitch up.

Miguel Cabrera – Left the game with bicep tendinitis.  He sat out last Friday’s game with this shizz so this isn’t a good sign that it reappeared.  It could cost him a few days since the days of numbing the pain by doing body shots out off Miguel Olivo’s navel are in the past.

Billy Butler – According to a Royals’ beat writer, Butler was hurt taking a ground ball off his chest.  Guess he wasn’t wearing his metal cone bra.

Ryan Madson – Got the Win and the blown save.  Lidge wasn’t used because he has a sore elbow.  Sore elbow on a guy who had elbow surgery is bad news.  I’d grab Madson everywhere you need saves.  Just remember, he has Cuddle Boy tendencies.

Shane Victorino – 2-for-5 with the slam & legs.  For what it’s Wuertz, Victorino has 17 homers and 30 steals.  You could argue that his average is a bit down this year, but that’s falling on deaf ears as far as I’m concerned.

Nolan Reimold – Well, lookie-lookie.  If it ain’t the pot calling the kettle, where the hell you been?  A preseason favorite of mine, Reimold hit a homer yesterday.  He hasn’t been playing every day since his recall, but I may just like him again next year.  You’ve been served (with info)!

B.J. Upton – 2-for-3, 3 Runs and a homer and steal.  He has 15 homers and 39 steals.  Again, if you’re crying about his average like it’s a knee scrap, go cry to Rudy because you’re not getting any sympathy from me.

James McDonald – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, e, i, e, i, o.  I do like McDonald in the right matchups, but this start was against the Braves, who right now like they couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn with an Adam Dunn-driven tractor.

Brandon Lyon – You know what’s the strongest job approval you can get as a closer?  When the other guy competing for the job says you’re the closer.  That’s what Lindstrom said of Lyon the other day.

Brett Wallace – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  He’s hitting .204 in 92 ABs.  Maybe the 7 teams that traded him away might’ve known something.  I’m not writing him off yet, but he’s looked like a White Castle hamburger if you were to replace the hamburger with a turd (assuming White Castle hasn’t done that already).

Jim Thome – He’s showing the young mollywhoppers how the old mollywhoppers used to mollwhop, i.e., he’s hit 4 homers in the last three games.

Josh Johnson – Due to back and side pain, Johnson was scratched from his next start.  The chances of his porn star brother, Gosh Johnson, making the start for him are 50-50 if he can find his pants.

Gordon Beckham – Too bad he’s done so little this year to deserve a hand because he could use one right now.  More than a week after the injury happened and he’s sitting out due to pain?  This is reason to drop him in most leagues.

Trevor Hoffman – Recorded his 600th save.  Here are some fun facts about what the world looked like when Hoffman recorded his first save in 1993.  Sister Act 2:  Back in the Habit had audiences Whoopified, Rick Astley called it quits at the age of 27, saying he won’t play another concert until he becomes an internet meme and Tipper Gore was going through Bill Clinton’s CD collection, removing suggestive titles.  Oh, and Trevor Hoffman was still good.

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Mora made a mental error that led to Chacin’s two earned runs.  If not for Mora, Chacin would still be pitching… Well, if the game was still going… And if there was a 12 hour rain delay and Chacin wasn’t officially removed yet.  You get my point, Chacin pitched better than his line indicts.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-3 with his 14th steal in 34 games.  If you don’t love Young, you don’t love yourself.  Find someone to talk to.

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has three straight starts of two earned runs given up or less.  He gets the Angels again next.  Not without its risk, but if you need to take a gamble, there ya go.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  With the Padres pennant race going down to the wire, Latos is probably going to go way over his innings limit.  Cust kayin’.

Colby Rasmus – Sounds like Pujols hates Rasmus’ stupid face and thinks he should leave the Cards this offseason.  In related Cards news, no word on whether the Cards 2nd best hitter will be attending the annual Israeli event that shares his name — “Challah Day.”

In September, closers either mean everything or they mean nothing.  You either really need closers to catch the next nearest guy in saves or you have too much ground to make up and you’re secure in your standings.  If you fall into the former category, I’d grab anyone I could to get saves.  Hello, Juan Gutierrez, would you like to dance?  If you fall into the latter category, you can either start dropping brain freezes –  Joel Hanarahananananan, we had a terrible time together and now I will drop you.  Goodbye.  –  or just bench your lower tier closers to avoid getting Kazaam’d.  I’d only drop a closer if I knew no one could catch me in saves or if it were strategic.  For instance, I’ve been known to drop a closer because I know the guy with the high waiver claim can get him and catch the guy in front of him in saves, which will help me in the overall standings.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Kerry Wood, David Robertson, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (+1) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
3. Billy Wagner (+1) (Takashi Saito, Jonny Venters)
4. Rafael Soriano (+5) (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Carlos Marmol (-3) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
6. Joakim Soria (+2) (Blake Wood, Dusty Hughes)
7. Brian Wilson (+3) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
8. Jonathan Papelbon (+4) (Daniel Bard)
9. Neftali Feliz (+4) (Darren O’Day, Darren Oliver)
10. Jose Valverde (-2) (Ryan Perry, Phil Coke)
11. Ryan Franklin (Kyle McClellan, Jason Motte)
12. Chris Perez (+6) (Rafael Perez)
13. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
14. Andrew Bailey (+16) (Michael Wuertz, Craig Breslow)
15. Matt Capps (Brian Fuentes, Jon Rauch)
16. Kevin Gregg (+7) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
17. Brad Lidge (+4) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Bobby Jenks– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Konerko in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. Huston Street (+5) (Matt Belisle, Rafael Betancourt)
19. David Aardsma (-1) (Brandon League)
20. Fernando Rodney (-3) (Kevin Jepsen)
21. Drew Storen (+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett, Miguel Batista)
22. Bobby Jenks (Scott Linebrink, J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
23. Hong-Chih Kuo (-18) (Jonathan Broxton, Octavio Dotel)
24. Brandon Lyon (-5) (Wilton Lopez, Matt Lindstrom)
25. Leo Nunez (-10) (Clay Hensley, Jose Veras, Brian Sanches)
26. Hisanori Takahashi (-20) (Bobby Parnell, Pedro Feliciano)
27. John Axford/Trevor Hoffman (-2) (Zach Braddock)
28. Joel Hanrahan (-1) (Evan Meek, Sean Gallagher)
29. Koji Uehara (-1) (Mike Gonzalez, Alfredo Simon)
30. Juan Gutierrez/Aaron Heilman (-1) (Sam Demel, A pitching machine disguised with a handlebar mustache)

Ryan Raburn isn’t just some old fashioned name that sounds like a matinee idol from the 40′s.  Grandpa, tell me again about the time you were working as an extra in Hollywood and you stole Angela Lansbury away from Ryan Raburn.  Well, it all started late one night at Musso & Frank’s.  We were all pickled pretty good on Cuba Libres, remember this was before the House Committee on Un-American Activities banned them… So, Raburn hit 2 homers yesterday and is now batting over .400 in the last week and 8 homers in the month of August.  He’s starting every day since the Tigers were hit by injuries and the power is for real.  In his last full year of ABs in the minors, he hit 20 homers.  Last year, 16 homers in 113 games.  The average could bottom out, but with 2nd base eligibility there’s no reason not to take a flier on him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Has now given up only 4 hits in his last 14 innings.  Okay, I don’t fully trust him, his Ks are just blahtastic.  Neverthehoo!  You can’t deny the type of groove he’s in right now and he gets the Royals next time out.

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Brandon Morrow – After his next start vs. the Yankees, he’ll be shut down.  I blame the Mariners for their inability to settle on a role for Morrow over the previous few years.  He had the best K/9 for starters in the major leagues this year and will almost certainly be coveted by February Grey next year.

Mike Napoli – Was claimed off waivers by the Red Sox.  A deal is supposed to be unlikely.  According to sources, Scioscia’s asking for a family-size bag of Sun Chips.  Sawx are offering a single serving bag.

Brian Fuentes – Traded to the Twins.  Gardenhire went on the record saying that Capps will remain the closer.  Then he broke the record by bringing in Fuentes to close Saturday’s game.  I wouldn’t read too into though.  It was a one-out save vs. a lefty.  Fuentes may see a few saves against lefty-heavy ninth inning lineups, but Capps should get the majority of the saves going forward.

Fernando Rodney – Nothing like getting the closer job on a team that’s selling off its pieces.  Rodney gets no respect, I tell ya.  He’s a Brain Freeze waiting to happen, but, if you need saves, SAGNOF!

Edinson Volquez – Headed to the bullpen as the Reds realized what fantasy owners concluded a few starts ago, Volquez is too unpredictable to start at this stage of the year.  Dusty will have to find someone else to play Paper, Rock, Ulnar Collateral Ligament Reconstruction Surgery Scissors with.

Matt Lindstrom – Back problems haven’t subsided and Lyon could remain the closer for the rest of the year.  Rawr!

Bud Norris – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Oops upside your head.

Roger Bernadina – 2-for-4 yesterday.  3 homers and 3 steals in his last ten games.  His track record says the speed is there.  (pun point!)  The power hasn’t show up much in his previous years.  Right now, I’d grab him in deep leagues just hoping his hot streak continues.  I wouldn’t bank on it though.

Jay Bruce – 4 homers in his last 3 games.  If I would’ve known all he needed to get hot was for me to tell you to drop him, I would’ve punted him in March.  I never doubted the talent; it was the slump that looked like it was taking Extenze that worried me.  There’s no reason not to give him a 2nd chance if he’s out there on waivers.

Ryan Braun – 4-for-4 with 19th homer.  Cool, now repeat this game every day for the next month and we’ll be cool with each other.

Alcides Escobar – 1-for-4 with his 10th steal.  He’s been on and off one of my teams so many times the elastic is completely shot.  I’m warning you now, I will like him again next year.  There’s 40 steals in those gams.

Trevor Hoffman – Recorded his 8th save.  Axford had pitched the last two games, so I wouldn’t say anything’s changed other than Hoffman’s a few saves away from retirement.

Evan Meek – Was hit with a comebacker and could be out for a few days.  That’s the good news for Hanarahananananan.  He could see some time in the ninth.  And there’s the bad news.

Manny Ramirez – Looks headed to the White Sox.  I can’t tell you how excited I am for this move.  Because, well, I’m not excited.  I don’t own him anywhere.  If I did own him, I’d be slightly more excited.  At least, he should actually play now.  If you got the best possible month from Manny, you’re still not going to get anything you couldn’t grab off waivers in all but the deepest leagues.  Maybe 7 homers and a .350 average in a best case scenario.  More realistically, a few homers and a .300.

Colby Lewis – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Hasn’t won in over a month and his ERA is up to 3.61.  The K-rate is still purdy, so the Colby cheese hasn’t lost its bite.

Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Was a home schooler for the early months of the season, but his ERA in August is under 2 and is now startable every time out.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 2-for-5, hit his 2nd homer in three games.  Kouz is one of those players I halfheartedly mention that I can’t even bear to own myself.  And that’s me undercutting what was already a lukewarm recommendation!

Ivan Nova – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  As defined by Oxford English Dictionary, a Nova is a star that suddenly becomes much brighter and then gradually returns to its original brightness over a period of weeks.  As defined by Chevy Pimpalas dot com, the Nova is freakin’ awesome.

Marcus Thames – Was in Friday’s Buy, has 5 homers in his last 5 games.  Like Chiquita Banana’s boyfriend, he hits them in bunches.

Jeremy Guthrie – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Napoli-less Angels.  Yeah, the “Cutting off Napoli to spite the team” strategy is working good.  Anything that gets Jeff Mathis’ .201, 3 homer bat into the lineup.  Maybe Scioscia should skip Jered Weaver’s turn in the rotation too, so Kazmir can get an extra start.  He’s managing the team like he’s got a deal with that lady from Major League.

Koji Uehara – Got his fourth save yesterday as Buck Showalter gave him the confirmation name, “Closer.”

Carlos Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers.  Aim to please, that’s CarGo’s MotTo.

Stephen Drew – 4-for-5 with his 3rd homer this week.  Yup.

Leo Nunez – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and his 8th blown save.  He needs a lozenge he’s coughed up so many games recently.  He’s surrendered a run in each of his last four starts and 7 of his last ten.  I’d be shocked if the Marlins continue to roll him out there.  I made a speculative grab of Clay Hensley in two leagues.  Jose Veras could also be an option.  Or it may be the dreaded closer by committee.  Don’t these people realize nothing’s better done by committee?  Except jerk seasoning, which is flavor by committee.

Hanley Ramirez – Left yesterday’s game with a bout of lightheadeness.  This is following a severe case of redheadness.  Hanley, you think you can get into the National Association for the Advancement of Gingy People that easily?  The NAAGP has a bumper sticker for you, “Feckless without freckles.”

The Braves should totally give Derrek Lee the number 01 and paint him orange.  Too bad Waylon Jennings isn’t around anymore to announce him when he comes up to bat.  Lee-haw!  The Cubs received back Tyrelle Harris, who I believe is a male model, Robinson Lopez, who dispenses candy from his neck, and Jeffrey Lorick, who owns the Marlins.  Derrek Lee has hit 4 homers in his last four games and his numbers should only continue to trend upwards as we head into the home stretch.  I could see him getting to 24 homers on the year; he’s at 16.  Do the math!  The real LUZR in this is Troy Glaus, who the Braves put on the DL with a severe case of We-Don’t-Want-To-Play-You-Anymore-itis.  It’s curable, but you usually need a new team.  Kelly Johnson had a similar malady when he played for the Braves.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Xavier Nady – 1-for-3 as he played 1st base yesterday, but Micah Hoffpauir was recalled.  Hip-hip-Hoffpauir!  Not really.  I wouldn’t pick him up in any league until I saw him start hitting.

Clayton Richard – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks as he gave the Cubs a little “How’s your father?”  If only I owned only Padres pitchers on all of my teams.  I love you, Hodgepadres.  Please friend me on Facebook!

B.J. Upton – 2-for-4 with 2 steals and a homer.  As frequent commenter, Brad, pointed out when he quoted my top 20 outfielder rankings, “B.J. Upton’s definitely shown he can’t be relied on for 20 homers, but you can count on him for 40 steals and 10 homers.”  And that’s me quoting Brad quoting me!  Right now, B.J.’s at 66/11/43/.240/35, and has been more valuable than broseph, Justin.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-4 with two doubles and a homer.  A la your 4th grade teacher, “Nice of you to join us, Mr. Longoria.”

Juan Pierre – 4-for-5, 2 steals.  When you put ‘Juan Pierre’ into Google, it says ‘Did you mean SAGNOF?’

Gavin Floyd – In his last 12 innings, he’s given up 13 runs.  Not good, but both were against the Twins and he gets the O’s next.  I’d give him one more shot in most leagues.

David Wright – Left yesterday’s game feeling queasy.  Or QUEASY! if you’re George Jefferson.

J.P. Arencibia – The Jays optioned him back to the minors.  John Buck is such a prospblock.

Taylor Teagarden – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in his last 8 games.  Those 8 games, unfortunately, date back 3 weeks.  The other day I grabbed Teagarden in a 2 catcher league, but he needs more consistent playing time for most leagues.

Matt Tuiasosopo – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in two games.  For deity sakes, this guy needs a nickname if he’s going to keep hitting.  I wouldn’t touch him yet in mixed leagues, but in AL-Only leagues I’d grab him.

Joe Blanton – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Solid start from the inconsistent Blanton, which is thankfully different than incontinent.  He gets the Astros in his next start, that’s a decent gamble.

Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5, with a homer and two steals.  Wait, I know this impersonation… Um… 2007 Rollins, right?  Nice!

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, but 5 unearned runs for the momentarily gut-wrenching ticker shock.

Aroldis Chapman – Reds committed to calling up Chapman on September 1st.  Makes sense, but doesn’t add much to his value since he’ll be out of the bullpen.  Definitely grab him in keepers though.

Joe Mauer – 4-for-5 and his 8th homer.  Still hasn’t hit more than 3 homers in any month, but is hitting .472 in August.

Curtis Granderson – He was days away from appearing in Friday’s Sell as a guy to drop, but now he’s hit his 3rd homer in five games.  Maybe this time he can keep his hot streak going longer than a week.

Matt Kemp – I pimped out my merkin for this guy and then Torre benches him again?  Okay, this is gotta stop, or Kemp needs to be playing in 7 PM EST games so I don’t have guys on my bench that are actually playing.

Alberto Callaspo – Had the slam & legs while hitting third yesterday and is batting over .400 in the last week.  He doesn’t give much except hits, but there ya go.

Jay Bruce – 4-for-5 with his 12th homer.  He’s now officially as valuable this year as Corey Patterson.  As I’ve said before about Pablo Sandoval and my female neighbor, “What a bust!”

Edinson Volquez – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Way too inconsistent at this point to be relied on anywhere.

Mike Napoli – Hit his 20th homer.  Now bench him, you Sciosciapath.

Michael Wuertz – 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  That huertz.  Bailey’s set to begin a rehab assignment on Friday and should be back soon thereafter, barring any setbacks.

Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  Sticking with the variations on the name Michael theme, is Miggy drafted number three next year?  Two?  One?  Talk amongst yourselves.

Ryan Doumit – 1-for-4 with a homer.  First homer in over a month, but could be the start of something going forward.

Brad Hawpe – As Hawpe leaves the Rockies’ clubhouse for the last time, Bob Apodaca will be playing the world’s smallest harp, which is still 2 feet tall, but that’s small for a harp.  When Hawpe reaches the parking lot, he’ll turn back and hear noisemakers.  As the last line of my top 80 outfielder rankings says, “Get rid of Hawpe!”  I’ve been asking for the Rockies to release Hawpe for almost two years now.  Finally, we get our sweet, sweet outfield of upside.

Carlos Gonzalez – Was so excited about the Hawpe news, he ran into a wall.  The Rockies remind me of the Rangers.  Wonderful upside, difficulty staying healthy.  Hopefully he’s CarGone only a day or two.

Coco Crisp – 3-for-3 with the slam & legs.  Coco’s been loco.  Seriously, grab him in your leagues before someone else does.  This blurb was paid for by the committee to get Coco Crisp on your team.

Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-3 with his 2nd steal as he bets near .400 in his first 13 games in the majors.  If you need cheap speed in a deep league, look no further.

Randy Wolf – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  After the game, Wolf announced he was Team Jacob.  So predictable.

Trevor Hoffman – Got a save.  Brewers announced on their next homestand all fans would be able to enjoy “Free Whatever Crap We Have Lying Around That Commemorates Hoffman Getting 600 Saves” night.  They’re following the Angels’ lead from a few years back when they had a huge success with “Tim Salmon’s Going To Play One More Stupid Game So Come To The Ballpark” night.

When Jim Edmonds was a trending topic on Twitter, I figured he died. Turns out he was just taking the Casino Bus to Cincy, though that might be a riverboat.  Edmonds will continue to be a part-timer, gaining no value.  Maybe one day he’ll garner 25% of a HOF vote and the interwebs will go abuzz with the travesty of it all.  But Jim Rice is in!  This is worst than season two of Lost!  Chris Dickerson goes to the Brewers, but you knew that.  You have the internet or you wouldn’t be reading this.  Dickerson is currently on the DL.  I like him.  In a career 401 ABs, Chris Dickerson has 8 homers and 19 steals with a .277 average and a .369 OBP.  In Triple-A this year, he had 3 homers and 6 steals in 43 ABs.  I say the Brewers should play him, but I don’t make those decisions.  Who is playing?  Lorenzo Cain.  In 331 ABs in Triple-A, Cain had 26 steals and a .402 OBP with a .317 average.  Yes, and thank you.  Carlos Gomez is due back at some point too, but he’s not good at, you know, baseball.  My guess is Cain and Dickerson, when healthy, will see some sort of platoon.  I’d grab Cain right now for speed, then wait to see how this dumbo pot gets stirred.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Drew Stubbs – If you thought his playing time would be squeezed by just sucking on the suckhole, you ain’t seen nothing yet.  Edmonds will definitely take time from Stubbs.  Heisey’s a better batter too (say that fast 45 times).  BTW, Stubbs and Carlos Gomez should be on the same team.  Unfortunately, it’s a track team, not a baseball one.

Travis Wood – Sent to Triple-A.  You’re probably thinking this was to somehow limit his innings.  Pssh to you.  Wood was going to miss a start with off days, so he’s going to take a start in Triple-A then return for his next start in the majors.  See, so he’s going to throw more innings.  Don’t feel like you have to drop him because he was demoted.  Wood said, “I’ll be right back,” a’la Matthew Lillard in Scream, then Dusty hacked off his arm.

Mike Leake – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  I told you to lose him about a month ago.  Now you’ve been Pwnson’d.

Krispie Young – Hit his 20th Krispie fly to become the first player to get to 20/20 on the year.  Love Krispie, but he really shouldn’t be leading off.

Jacoby Ellsbury – He hit ninth and stole 4 bases.  I say hit him 12th and let’s get 7 steals.

Chris Carter – 0-for-3 as he played in the Outer Limits of left field.  Wait, wrong sci-fi show.  He could be an average nightmare, but if you’re giving him a shot, you need to give him more than one game.

Mike Minor – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Pitched well, just had some real bad luck with bloop hits.  I know, it’s hard to factor bad luck into your fantasy standings, but I’d hold Minor for now.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-4 with his first homer since June 17th.  Pretty illustrative of how great a prospect can be and still not provide terrific fantasy value.

Alfredo Simon – 1/3 IP, 1 ER as he blew his 4th game.  Shutdown Sauce is trying to point Showalter in the direction of Mike G.  Now let’s see if he thinks he’s got game. (That was a triple-double pun.)

Ty Wigginton – 2-for-4 with a homer.  Now has five 2-hit games in his last ten with two homers.

Edwin Jackson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He just needed a league change.  Twice.  No, not really.  This was vs. the Suckie-O’s.  I still wouldn’t touch Edwin.

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in 4 games.  He didn’t even start yesterday (or on Saturday), but with the homer he may start to see more time.  I’m not grabbing Boesch again yet, but I’m watching him.

David Price – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks with his 15th win.  Prepare for Keith Law vs. the BBWAA, Part II:  Rick Reilly Voted For Who?

Jeff Niemann – Niemann’s off to the DL with a shoulder strain.  Must have been hard shouldering that huge difference in his xFIP and ERA.

Wade Davis – Also to the DL as he contracted the same dreaded shoulder strain.  I blame the rhesus monkey.

Jeremy Hellickson – As I predicted yesterday, Hellickson will start today’s game.  I’m Nostradumbass!  The over/under for the number of starts Hellickson sees is 4.

Carlos Zambrano – 5 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners (7 BBs), 3 Ks.  Cubs should now be able to trade him for Milton Bradley.

Carlos Silva – Underwent successful heart surgery to fix his abnormal heartbeat.  Hopefully his heartbeat isn’t the musical act at the artery block party.

Mike Napoli – The Angels home run leader sat out his 4th of the last 5 games because of the lineup scribblings of the Sciosciapath.

Chris Johnson – 2-for-4, 2 Runs and 3 RBIs.  He’s hitting .356 with 5 homers and 2 steals in 160 ABs since his call-up.  You’re being silly if you don’t own him at this point.

Ryan Braun - Out with a strained wrist and was seen wearing a splint.  Splendid, Splinter.  He’s listed as day-to-day and I wish I could say a few days off will make everything better, but I’m concerned.

Trevor Hoffman – 1 IP, 3 ER.  I have a new AC/DC song for him to enter to, Blech in Blech.