You: Pete Nice, did you say we should start Marcus Stroman this week at Boston and at Houston?

Jay(Wrong): You DON’T have to answer that question!

Me: I’ll answer the question! You want advice?

You: I think I’m entitled to…

Me: YOU WANT ADVICE?

You: I WANT THE TRUTH!

Me: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

[Jay's Note: My mother always wanted me to be a lawyer...] Guys, we live in a fantasy baseball world that has risky matchups, and those risky matchups have to be taken on by writers who have to suggest two-starting inexperienced young pitchers with 95 mph-plus fastballs. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Guru? You, Sky? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly imagine. You worry about Stroman, and you curse the Blue Jays. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Stroman’s road performance, while thus far in 2014 has been kind of crappy – 17 hits in 16 IP with a 4.41 ERA and a 1.47 WHIP – will improve with time. And Stroman’s existence, while excitingly intriguing but also slightly scary, can help your fantasy team. You don’t want this advice because deep down in places you don’t talk about at baseball games and fantasy drafts, you want Stroman on that hill. You need Stroman on that hill. We use words like FIP and K/BB ratios. We use these words as the backbone of a fantasy team trying to win something: Stroman’s 3.11 FIP places him in the Top 20 of all MLB pitchers and his K/BB per 9 ratio of close to 6.00 makes him an ownable pitcher, not a streamer, according to Dr. Grey Albright PhD. You use these things as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to readers who rise and sleep under the blanket of the very information that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up Stroman, and set your lineup. Either way, I don’t give a damn who you grab off the wire for two starts this week.

You: Did you order the two-starts for Marcus Stroman?

Me: I did the job…

You: DID YOU ORDER THE TWO-STARTS FOR MARCUS STROMAN?

Me: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID! AND HERE’S SOME MORE TWO-START PITCHERS FOR NEXT WEEK!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I put a ring on every finger but the rats still askin

Cause there’s one on all of mine, I’m the sportswriter Phil Jackson

Greetings! Tis I, Beddict AKA Fantasy Soldier of Fortune AKA Tha Purple Panty Dropper AKA The Punch Line King AKA Beddict Shmurda AKA Zeus tha God-Body AKA Tha Chicken Handla, and to quote Tupac Shakur,”You ain’t never had a friend like me.” “Why is that?”, you so curiously ask yourself. Well it’s quite simple, really– Do you have any friends who will literally take hours out of their day to speak to you about your endless fantasy sports conundrums, as well as any and all life problems? Did your best friend put your soulmate in a Boston Crab and give her the piping she’d always dreamed of? Well, Dr. Beddict can assist in walking you off the ledge. Did you walk in on your sweet mother receiving back shots from the mailman with a back so hairy that at first glance you believed mom was being mauled by a bear? Again, Tehol the comforter at your service. I’m here for you, playaz and playettes, so never hesitate, for he/she who hesitates, masturbates…or something like that.

I know many of you expected me to write about my big Microsoft commercial that I shot all Sunday night with Russell Wilson, Doug Baldwin and Malcolm Smith, but I signed a contract stating that I’m not allowed to mention it anywhere or I won’t BE PAID!! Being that Tehol B. is my stage name, they may have a hard time proving in court, but let’s not push the envelope shall we?! I will say that I did catch some balls from Elder God Blessed, Russell Wilson, and that alone was worth the 15 hours on set. Yep, scratch that one off the bucket list. Anyway, we’ll save the remainder of this gem for another week. Let’s move on to bright spots and last but not least, the boners, from this past week. This is Disgrace/Delight.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Like a good Jewish boy, Brad Ausmus said to his Bubbie, “Bubbie, I love sulfites, nitrates and pig a**holes, but every time I see a Nathan’s, I get the runs. Bubbie, do you have a remedy?” His Bubbie lowered her knitting and said, “You need to get a goddamn decent closer!” And so it was done. Unfortunately, due to being wracked with guilt (or possibly due to a rather hard knock on the head), Ausmus couldn’t pull the trigger and said Nathan will remain the closer. Oh. WHAT?! The Rangers traded Joakim Soria to the Tigers because Joe Nathan is making Detroit look even lousier. I can’t imagine Soria remains the set-up man for very long, since Nathan owns a 5.89 ERA and has looked completely lost for the better part of the season. For now, I’d hold both of them. Over in Texas, I have a rooting interest in Neal Cotts getting saves, because I own him and not Neftali Feliz. If I had my druthers, and knew what the hell druthers were — hmm, maybe then I do have druthers — I would grab Neftali first. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As soon as you’re finished with this post, I want you to close your laptop, step outside and look at a bird in flight. Pick up a flower, breathe in its fragrance, sneeze from your allergies, wave to a neighbor and close your robe because you’re not just waving with your hand. How does that feel? Exhilarating? Then your dedication sucks. It should be a total bore. You should be more interested in whether or not I’m going to have a top 100 for the 2nd half of fantasy baseball tomorrow than what your significant other has been doing for the last three and a half months. Luckily, I will have a top 100 tomorrow, guys and four girl readers. Clay Buchholz didn’t make the top 100, but with a game like yesterday — 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks — he could be better than some guys that are on there. I’ll go over this in detail tomorrow, but in only two and a half months, anything can happen. Even something good with Buchholz because there is upside, right? Check. Downside? Check? Waitress? Check please. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

PSYCH! Before we get into the post, I just wanted to say our TV on the Radio host, Nick, wants to cover some live fantasy football drafts in the following cities: Dallas, New Orleans, Atlanta, Charlotte, Cincy and Detroit. We’re currently airing our show on cable in 22 million homes in the New York area, so if you want to make an ass of yourself on a bigger scale than you can imagine, now’s your chance! Leave your email address in the comments or over at our TV/Radio side of things, and Nick will hit you back. Anyway II, the roundup:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

My name is Tehol Beddict, I’m a sexaholic (Hi Tehol)
I have a disease and they don’t know what to call it
Better empty out your leaguesafe funds ’cause I’m coming up quick to strip your cash
Joined your fantasy league just to come and whip your ass

Greetings! Welcome to another, hopefully exciting edition of Disgrace/Delight. I’m your host, Tehol B., and I’ll be trying my mightiest to fulfill your fantasies (baseball that is) in mentioning the players I feel have either disgraced themselves, their families, and their organizations or those of whom deserve feet and rings kissed, as well as animal sacrifices done so in their name. I don’t have time to dilly dally, for I have to shoot a commercial Thursday morning and Brother Beddict needs his beauty sleep. For optimum enjoyment (yours and mine), I should probably begin these memorable pieces of literature earlier then the day before they need to be submitted. That way, Beddict can truly be 100 percent balls deep, and that’s really what we all want, right?!  I didn’t choose this lifestyle, the lifestyle chose me. Let this quest beginith.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Tsuyoshi Wada hit the majors leagues yesterday, so let’s talk about the new Yu Darvish! Actually, that’s Masahiro Tanaka. Okay, let’s talk about the new Hiroki Kuroda! That’s Ryu. Uh, the new Cubs pitcher that I’m excited about? That’s Arrieta. The new pitcher that autocorrect tries to change his first name to tsuris? By the by, is my autocorrect anti-Semitic? Why does it suggest tsuris? Because I’m half-Heb? And why did autocorrect just change Jew to Heb. Siri, dial the Anti-Defamation League and apologize. “Dialing your mother now.” Siri, not cool! Any pitcher that does compare to Wada? Yes, the new Bruce Chen. So, Wada is a rookie in name only. He’s 33 years old, and the first rookie with salt and pepper hair to throw five shutout innings since Satchel Paige. He’s also a soft-tossing lefty. Yawn. He might catch some hitters off-balance, but he’s probably around a high-6 K/9 and a 4 ERA pitcher. Yesterday’s line of 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks is okay, but not much to flap your gums about outside of NL-Only leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Much like Bruce Jenner’s genitals, probable pitchers are subject to change. For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click this link.

Hey everybody, I hope your 4th went well! Me, I had a great time with some friends, some beer, some family, some more beer, some burgers, some jaeger, some policemen, some angry white guys at the local drunk tank…really couldn’t have asked for anything more! Could you keep it down please, I have a roaring headache! Oooooh right, forgot about that part. Me, I just asked they cook Alka Seltzer directly into my hamburger patty the entire time. Worked like a charm! Sorry to the seagulls my jerk friend fed my leftovers to that day, though…R.I.P. Don’t worry, I got him back for you later by telling him the mentos were Alka Seltzer and fed him some Diet Coke. Exploding living things isn’t funny now is it, Craig! Of course we know now none of this intro is true. I have no friends! But what I do have is an iPhone and people text me on it and one said person is Grey. Yeah, I name dropped, whatevs. He said our friend Pete Nice needed some help for this week 14 on the Two Start Pitcher tip so I said ‘how much?’ and Grey said ‘we won’t charge you to write for us this time’ and I said ‘what a deal!’ and jumped on it like Sugarhill Gang. You see, typically I’m slanging you some DraftKings knowledge here on the Razz but sometimes I like to slang other thangs at you and here’s my chance. So without further ado, here’s my take on week 14 two start pitchers for 2014 Fantasy Baseball…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I don’t know what this world’s come to, but I’m going to discuss the Mariners for a minute; a team that hasn’t been relevant since the lights of the King Dome shone brightly on Jay Buhner’s beautiful bald head. Seattle’s offense has sent gag reflexes into sixth gear in recent past, but some players are starting to come around, especially the sultan of Safeco, Kyle Seager. I’ll gush more about him later, but the Mariners can be a sneaky stack at home, and there are a couple M’s I’ll be all in on tonight. Screw it, keep reading and get my complete roster for the low price of squadoosh.

By all means, if you don’t like what you see, there are always Razzball’s kick-ass DFS tools like Hitter-Tron, Stream-o-Nator, and DFSBot that can help aid in the decision process. Either way, get on over to DraftKings and make precious memories of making money.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

(Blows Whistle) Campers settle down now! My name is Ralph and I’ll be your Draftkings camp counselor for the summer. Now that you’ve returned here to beautiful camp Razzawanna, I’d like to give you some tips for safe and successful DraftKinging during your time here. First and foremost keep these two things in mind, first wear your sun screen. The sun is very strong here in Death Valley. You might ask why our camp’s founders Grey Albright and Rudy Gamble picked a location with such harsh weather. I can’t tell you, but I think they might be slightly sadistic. Hey, it could be worse; we could be down the road at the Scientology compound. They shock you with cattle prods when you’re bad, we just take your cash and re-invest it in gambling on daily fantasy sports. The second rule is don’t mess with Padres hitters…that’s pretty self-explanatory. Questions? No? Alrighty then, let’s move on.

With the NBA and NHL finals in the books and Football a few months away all focus is back on baseball. As it should be, what’s better than baseball? Boobs you say! Well, we got them! Billy Butler has not yet eaten his way out of the league and he’s got a solid pair (but with two homers he is getting close). The best way to get in on the daily madness that is baseball is to play DraftKings with us here at Razzball. Not only can you join in the Razzball leagues put together daily by yours truly, but if you join today you’ll get a ticket for a free entry into one of DK’s awesome contests. To join the debauchery click here. Don’t forget to check out the top-notch tools provided here on Razzball in the DFSbot, the Hitter-tron, and the Stream-o-nator.

I’m running two contests today on Draftkings a 10 teamer for the early games and a 20 team blood bath for the later set. Hop on the good foot and get into these contests early to avoid getting Lifshitzed like fellow Razzball writer J-Foh. The setup for today is a little different with three sets of contests running (early afternoon, late afternoon, and night games), so I’m going to give you a couple of targets for the early ones and a full roster for the late games.
Without further ado, here’s Razzball’s picks for June 21st in the year of our lord 2014.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I love when I tell you to pick up a player and he comes up days later. It makes me smile, and not one of those weird Japanese emoji smiles, but a full-faced grin. So, Andrew Heaney, you’re already okay in my book, even if that book is called, “Rookie Pitchers Will Fill You With Enthusiasm Until They Actually Pitch For Your Fantasy Team.” If you missed my Andrew Heaney fantasy with Friday’s Buy, where were you? Playing Patty Cake without your hands on the dance floor to Jason Derulo’s Wiggle song? Good story, brah. You should turn that into a novella. I’m giggling with excitement for Heaney like I’m Lisa Simpson, only instead of hehe I’m going HeHeaney. Pitching his home games in Crayola Canyon won’t hurt him, and the NL East is filled with a bunch of sad, sad hitting teams. Didja know the Marlins are the best NL East hitting team, and it’s not close? Fact! The Braves, Phillies, Nats and Mets could hold a two week round robin tournament and score less runs than goals scored in the World Cup. I went over the dangers of rookie pitchers in my Friday Buy, and what Heaney’s been doing this year in the minors. It’s all there. I will say now he should be owned in every league and is capable of winning the NL Rookie of the Year in only a little over a half a season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?