Fantasy Baseball Advice

Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live and let’s change the Twins closer.  Joe Nathan is now the closer with two saves this weekend.  As I kinda said last week, Matt Capps was pitching so bad, he picked up Joe Nathan in his fantasy league.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!  Since Joe Nathan and Ron Gardenhire met on match.com many years ago, their relationship has blossomed from heated affair to full blown love.  They’re even Facebook official.  Assuming Nathan doesn’t cough up five leads in the matter of a week, he should have the closer job for the rest of the season.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Scott Baker – Placed on the DL with a muscle strain in his elbow, but is only supposed to miss one more start.  Mr. Baker also sounds like a Clue character.  Speaking of which, Clue has been updated, which makes me feel old.  There’s no more conservatory or lead pipe.  Now it’s shizz like, “Colonel Mustard in the spa with the trophy.”  I guess a lead pipe was too scary sounding.  So murdering someone with a common object like a trophy isn’t scary?  Also, Colonel Mustard in a spa?  He’s a decorated officer!  Clue, that’s a fail with a hashtag.

Ryan Braun – Has no get up and go because he had da calf on ice.  Could be back on Monday.

John Axford – K-Rod waived his option so the Brewers could use him in any capacity, which is north of tenacity.  So the Brewers chose to use K-Rod to setup Axford this weekend.  “I beat up my father-in-law over much less.”  Right now, you have to hold both K-Rod and Axford, but it looks like Axford is the first choice.

Jose Reyes – Supposed to return on Tuesday.  I’ll believe it when I see it.  “Grey, you have no faith in medicine.”  That’s Jack White reading Razzball.

Jason Isringhausen – The Mets said it would be a closer by committee.  Is anything done better by committee besides jerk seasoning, which is flavor by committee?  Mets also said Isringhausen would get first crack, but I still believe that’s to raise his trade value.

Blake Beavan – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has a pretty hideous K-rate, i.e., Blake not so lively.  Also, Bedard’s either going to take his rotation spot or he’s going to pitch in Fenway next.

Mike Carp – Was recalled on Sunday.  No relation to Mike Trout.  Carp hit 21 homers in 65 games in the PCL, which is like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon.  He also doesn’t have guaranteed playing time.  Obviously he’s worth a flyer right now in AL-Only leagues.

Matt Harrison – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Harrison now has an ERA of 2.91, my sweet lord.  I wouldn’t pick him up because of his walks and lack of Ks, but he proves the theory that the best spot starter is the pitcher facing the Mariners in Safeco (followed closely by the Padres in Petco).

Shaun Marcum – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks and the win in Coors.  Kind of start I really don’t mind being sonavabenched on.  Marcum also left with a stiff neck, but he just got a Viagra stuck in his throat and should be fine for his next start.

Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 0 Ks.  I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Ryan Madson – 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  Madson always seems to struggle when it’s being reported that he could lose his job in the near future.  Stop watching Lifetime movies in the bullpen and cowboy up!

Chase Utley – 0-for-4 with his 9th steal, but only has 4 homers on the year.  To fix his knee, did the doctors attach his arms to hips and put his legs on his shoulders?

Josh Beckett – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 0 walks and 6 Ks vs. Jeff Niemann (8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 10 Ks).  Lower the mound!  Beckett’s obviously an ace this year.  As for Neimann, I don’t trust him because of his usually pedestrian K-rate, but this was obviously a great start against a tough team, which followed his great start vs. the Yankees.  He gets the Royals and A’s next.

Alex Presley – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 4th steal.  Jose Tabata who?!  Um, the guy that’s going to return and take Presley’s spot.  Yeah, I’m not sure how this is gonna shake out yet, but that doesn’t mean you can’t grab Presley in the mean’s while.

Brett Gardner – 3-for-4, 3 runs and 2 steals.  Since May 1st, he’s hitting .318 with 22 steals.  Cust kayin’.

Phil Hughes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Hasn’t gone more than 90 pitches in any start this year.  Cashman must be fine-tuning Joba Rules.  Guess it’s better than Pavano Rules, which was hit Pavano over the head with a blunt object and bury him in the Pine Barrens.

Travis Snider – 2-for-4 and a steal.  Hitting over .400 in the last week with three steals in the last 4 games.  Russell Martin says, “You’re welcome.”

Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, hitting .400 since his call up and yesterday he homered.  See, the Reds didn’t even need to go to the free clinic to rid themselves of their bad case of the Renteria’s.

Homer Bailey – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks and Bailey didn’t get hurt.  It’s an early Christmas miracle!

Felipe Paulino – 7 Ip, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  That’s eight baserunners and eight Ks, not infinity.  Though it may as well be for Paulino.

Grady Sizemore – Day-to-day with a knee contusion.  His career trajectory is the exact opposite of everyone else who has ever taken nude photos of themselves.

Matt Wieters – 2-for-4 with a homer off Frank Herrmann.  When I saw Herrmann’s last name, it made me think of one of those spray painted, graffiti shirts you and your significant other got when you were fifteen.  I wonder if his wife has an Indians jersey with the last name, Hisgirl.

Nick Punto – His elbow is forcing him out for the year.  Sounds like his elbow probably owns Punto in fantasy.

Chase Headley – Might need an MRI on Monday for his calf.  BTW, what do you call Padre hitters that you only own in deep leagues?  Deep Friars.

Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5 with his 17th homer and just missed his 18th.  Anyone that has doubts about him hasn’t seen him swing the bat.  On a side note, Davey Johnson came out to argue the just miss was a home run and he looks like one of those computer-aged photos of what JFK would look like now.  One small step for the Nats, I suppose.

Tom Gorzelanny – Variety reported he was ankled from his start.

Jair Jurrjens – 5 IP, 6 ER as the Fangraphs Database laughed maniacally.

Mike Stanton – Hit two home runs on Saturday to bring his season total to 20.  I say he hits 40+ homers next year, assuming the Mayans are wrong and there is a next year.  “Why are we buying a new calender?”  That’s a young Mayan talking to his elder in December.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4, 2 runs.  Emily Boneface has the highest OBP for a leadoff hitter, has stolen 6 bases in the last week, has a 16-game hitting streak and calculated pi to 2.7 trillion decimal places.

Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-4 with a satisfying slam & legs.  Hitting .383 in July with 4 homers and 2 steals.  Jack McKeon just knows how to talk to the kids!

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners (no walks), 10 Ks.  That’s as impressive as I’ve seen Vazquez this year.  If he’s available in any leagues, I’d get on board for his next start vs. the Padres.

Vladimir Guerrero – To the DL with a small fracture in his hand after being hit by a pitch.  Orioles knew there was something wrong when Vlad saw a pitch and didn’t swing the bat.

David Aardsma – Went for Tommy John surgery.  In related news, Tommy John is collecting nickels for all the times he’s mentioned.  “Who needs the Hall of Fame?  I got nickels, snitches!”

Peter Bourjos – To the DL, but Trout looks pretty overmatched so far.  Might want to look elsewhere.  In keepers, you obviously ignore early results.

Jeff Keppinger – 3-for-5 and Blanco Polanco now has homers in back-to-back games.  He’s like jarred salsa; he’s not very hot, but he’ll still give you indigestion.

Matt Downs – Out while his wife, Leah, has a child.  Yes, her name is Leah Downs.  I’d say!

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He’s always brilliant at home.  BTW, realizing that every good pitching park ends in co — Petco, Safeco, Metco — Oakland’s stadium now goes by O.co, which I’m not even sure how to pronounce.  How about, “What the eff.co?”  Senior exec, “Corporate’s coming down hard on us to rebrand ourselves.”  Junior exec, “How about a name that no one can pronounce?”  Senior exec, “I’m gonna tell our boss that just so you’re fired, Stevens!”  Later that day, Boss, “A name we can’t pronounce?  That’s crazy enough to work!”

It was a big day for one of my favorite mancrushes, Brandon Allen, as he was called up.  In Triple-A this year, 18 homers, 7 steals and a .426 OBP.  He’s cut from the same cloth as all the donkeys that have come before him.  Hopefully, he’s less 2010 Big Donkey, because Adam Dunn looks like he’s still got David Eckstein in a bjorn and letting the little man swing for him.  In the majors from Allen, first, expect nothing.  That’s always a good way to start.  At least that’s what I tell the ladies.  If the Diamondbacks give Allen ABs, which I do think they will, he will get 10 to 13 homers and a few steals.  That’s the baseline.  When you hear the baseline, you nod your head.  Or maybe that’s the bassline.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wily Mo Pena – Designated for assignment.  That assignment is to stop sucking.

Brett Anderson – Headed for Tommy John surgery.  Jonah Hill clearly said don’t trade for him.

Ike Davis – Ike’s taking so many hits while on the DL, somewhere Tina Turner’s smiling.  Now Davis could need ankle surgery in three weeks.  By the time the Mets figure out Davis’s injury, it’s going to start to hurt him for next year.  Hey, Mets, go to a different health care provider and get off the HMO!

Carlos Beltran – Love how the rumors of him being traded heat up the same day the Mets management says the trade of K-Rod doesn’t mean they’re throwing in the towel.  Kinda like how Rocky didn’t throw in the towel until Apollo was dead.

Bobby Parnell – Still my favorite for saves, but now the Mets are saying it could be Izzy or even Pedro Beato.  I think the Mets are just trying to enhance Izzy’s trade value by saying he’s the closer.  He might get a save or two until he gets on the casino bus.

Carlos Gonzalez – Supposed to be back for Friday’s game.  To give you some insight into the inner sanctum of the ‘stache, I almost made Carlos Gonzalez a sell in this afternoon’s post.  I’m pretty worried about the wrist.  If it hurts his power, you’re looking at a top outfielder in name only.

Julio Borbon  – Could miss two months if he needs surgery on his ankle.  If this news is disheartening for your fantasy team, you have bigger fish to fry.  And for those that drank too much Wild Turkey last night and found us after they Googled “Borbon fantasy,” the hallucinations will stop soon.

Bartolo Colon – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Colon blow!

Andruw Jones – Hit two homers last night to pad his once Hall of Fame stats.  They should start a Baseball’s Almost Hall of Fame in Cupertino.  Andruw, Delgado and McGriff can be the inaugural class.

Justin Morneau – Was cleared to resume non-baseball activities.  So he can now do pretty much the same things he’s been doing since April.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Two and a half more months of starts like this and we’ll be copacetic.

Carlos Marmol – 0 IP, 5 ER.  YOU STUPID MOTHER–  We interrupt this program to remind all our readers the importance of family.  Call someone you love and tell them they’re special.  OR CALL MARMOL AND TELL HIM HE’S PIECE OF SH– Or just go outside and smell the flowers.  ONLY IF IT’LL TAKE THE STINK AWAY FROM THIS MARMOL OUTING!

Mike Napoli – Slam and legs.  What are the chances?  Same as my chances with his Mom.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-5 with his 15th home run.  If I had access to the government’s time machine (and they have one!), then I’d go back in time to March and draft Asdrubal in the first round of every league just so I can see my leaguemates’ faces (assuming I did a draft in person).

Carlos Santana – 2-for-5 with his 14th home run.  I only mention this because I want a dozen catcher questions in the comments.  I crave your attention.  Shower me with it!

Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He has a 2.80 ERA, yet I don’t think I’ve felt good about starting him all year.  Cust kayin’.

Yovani Gallardo – 4 IP, 6 ER.  His Outkast song would be, So Inconsistent, So Frustrating.

Trevor Plouffe – Here was an IM exchange between Rudy and I:  R:  You should mention Trevor Plouffe as a Buy.  G: Did you make up that name?  R: No.  G:  Are you lying?  R: No.  G:  Are you sure?  R: Yes.  G: His name sounds like the sound crap makes when it hits the toilet water.  R:  He’s a shortstop with power.  For deep leagues.  G: How about I mention him in the roundup?  R: That works.  G: Should I make up a team name for this make believe player?  R: I hate you.  Rudy likes Plouffe a lot in AL-Only leagues.  Solid power at a weak position, though he could struggle for average.  Yesterday, he hit his 4th homer.  Mark Whiten, “In one game?!”  No, Mark, on the year.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s my Bart, and I am his Sideshow Bob.

Delmon Young – 3-for-4, if only he could come off the DL every night, instead of every 15 days.  Member three days ago when I put him in my top 100 for the 2nd half and you did a double take?  Luckily, you didn’t do a spit take, that could mess up your keyboard.

Derek Holland – I will simply say I could pitch against the Mariners in Safeco and I throw like a girl (no offense to our 3 girl readers; if you have any friends, your man Grey is single again.  Hello!).

Jose Bautista – Twisted ankle has JB day-to-day.  Since I don’t own him anywhere, why couldn’t he be more seriously injured?  Excuse me, I need to be unbiased.  Please let him be okay (after the season).

Travis Snider – 3-for-5, with his 6th steal.  Don’t drink whatever it is Aaron Hill’s drinking with all that stealing and no power nonsense.  Please.

Eric Thames – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and…Okay, everyone on the Blue Jays went 3-for-5 with 3 RBIs so there’s that.  I like Thames for power, which is also called hydroelectricity.  Al Gore invented that.  After the internet.

Jon Rauch – What’s six-eight with tattoos on its neck?  A giraffe at the Bronx Zoo.  Oh, and the new Blue Jays closer.  For right now at least.

Despite Ronnie’s warnings, I fell in love with the Jor-Z, sure.  I still like him a lot.  You can totally Control-Alt-Delete this opening in keeper leagues too.  But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — Jordan Zimmermann is going to be shut down in the next month.  The Nats are saying maybe another 6 or 7 starts.  That’s — how do I say this? — not good.  The inning limit is 160, he’s now at 108 2/3 IP.  If he gets to 158 IP in 7 starts, are they going to send him out for 2 more innings in his 8th start? Why are you bothering me, Random Italicized Voice?  S’s and g’s, G. Next year, they have the House of Strasburg returning and they want to be healthy.  If you have a leaguemate who’s paying LeBron, I’m paying Dwayne Wade to trade away J-Z.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Mike Trout – So what’s my take on Trout besides he’s best served cajun?  He’s kind of like the 3rd Upton brother.  He’s the white Upton, or the Less Uptown Upton.  Call him Upton Sinclair.  As Torii Hunter might say, “We lose Bourjos and get Trout.  They should’ve called that movie Anglos In The Outfield.”  He’s fast, i.e., Trout can really swim upstream.  He could be what we always wanted from B.J. Upton with a 25/40 line.  Prospects don’t get much better.  In only 74 games in the minors, he had 9 homers and 28 steals with a .330 average.  Yet, he probably won’t do anything this year.  When Bourjos returns, Trout may not even stick in the majors.  I still say grab him in every league for the outside possibility of upside.

Cory Luebke – As I profossilized (Made Up Word Of The Day!) in the preseason, I really should’ve just drafted the entire Padres staff on one team and only started them at home.  2.92 ERA, 1.21 WHIP at home.  I’d be near the top in all of my leagues for ratios.  And I wouldn’t have Liriano.  Win-win.

Jason Vargas – I could’ve put Fister here, and, actually by saying that, I am putting Fister here.  Two Mariners pitchers that will lose 2-1 games for the price of 1.  No decision-no decision.

Phil Hughes – Told you not to draft him in the preseason, don’t exactly love him now, but if he’s on waivers, it’s worth a flyer.  Talk about the old hard sell, or is that a hard buy?

David Hernandez – SAGNOF!

Joe Nathan – Let’s put it this way, Matt Capps just picked up Nathan for his fantasy team.

Zack Cozart – I just went over my Zack Cozart fantasy.  I wrote it while getting a tattoo of a unicorn on my back.

Travis Snider – Good source of power, but you can’t take him and his mustache within 500 feet of a schoolyard.  Friend, that is creepy.

Laynce Nix – Two sets of season numbers so far:  30/12/33/.279/2 and 33/6/28/.248/8.  First one is obviously Nix who’s owned in under 20% of ESPN leagues; 2nd one is Jason Bay who’s owned in 90% of leagues.  You make fun of teams for giving names big money contracts, but you’re just as bad.  Yeah, you.

Danny Valencia – Now dancing with Charo on Dancing With The Stars… Danny Valencia!  Hola!  Don’t know why but I always picture Valencia in a sequins shirt.  He’s been on a tear for about three weeks now and beyond that he’s batting .240 right now but he’s a .285 hitter.  So keep it going for Danny Valencia!

Emilio Bonifacio – He usually gets hot for a shorter period of time than a menopausal woman, but he is stealing some bags.  Speaking of bags, at Whole Foods they give you a nickel off any purchase if you bring your own bag, so I plan on bringing 1000 bags and getting fifty dollars worth of food for free.

Mark Ellis – He’s currently hitting, but I think owning Ellis is gonna get old quicker than any of those Charlie Sheen catchphrases.  Member when “Winning” was funny for like a minute?  (Not an Urbandictionary minute which is actually a long time.)

Clint Barmes – This is the kinda waiver wire pickup you make then immediately look again at the waiver wire, find someone else and drop Barmes three minutes later.  That kinda waiver wire pickup should have a name in the glossary.  Suggest in the comments.  Thank you.

SELL

Jose Reyes – M-E-S-S, Mess, Mess, Mess!  I’m so done with the Mets.  They got doctors from the med school that Steve Guttenberg went to in Bad Medicine and they keep selling us a bag of injured goods.  Beltran will be out for the weekend — he missed 15 months!  Wright is day-to-day with a broken back –  he’s never returning!  You think Johan’s ever coming back?  I’m being serious.  They built Metco on a haunted cemetery.  Speaking of which, they’re gonna probably tell us Jason Bay actually died last year and they never reported it.  Jose Reyes will probably miss all of July and a part of August.  If you can find someone — read:  sucker — to take Reyes off your hands thinking he’ll be back in a few weeks, go for it.

Nick Markakis – I’m feeling cantankerkis today.  His numbers:  36/7/34/.293/7 look like a healthy Crapolanco.  Whether Markakis is hitting or not, you can probably trade him for a better piece because of his name value then just grab an outfielder off waivers.

Aramis Ramirez – Yeah, he’ll probably hit a home run every game for the rest of the season and make this sell recommendation look silly.  Cause he’s never one to get injured, or go into month long slumps.  No!  Not Aramis.  He’s going to continue to hit like he had Babe Didrikson’s stem cells injected into his buttocks.  You won’t find a guy whose value is higher right now.  I’m not saying to sell him for the babysitting services of Casey Anthony, but I’d explore my options.

Master Standings are here.

The tight battle continues at the top of the standings, with 6 teams totaling 105 or more points. The Pesky Pole Dancers (Trippin’ Baseballs) held on to first place, gaining 3 points to 112. The Dancers made 2 moves, replacing Jose Tabata and Ike Davis with Jason Kubel and Cory Luebke.  Luebke was added in most leagues, and provided 6 scoreless innings and a win. He is currently owned in 31 of the 38 RCLs.

Buchz and Dunn (Too Drunk To Call a Cabrera) jumped 4 points to 110, and moved into second. Better Lucky Than Good (Partially Torn RCL) also gained 4, and now sits in 3rd place with 107 points. Random ItalicizedVoice (RCL 5), THE VILLE AL KOHOLIC A (ECFBL), That’s a shame (The Dread Pirate Rides Again), Buc Lover (Sonic Death Monkey), and Cooperstown SchMohawks (Slam and Legs Special) round out the teams that have at least 100 points.

Ham Porter (RCL 17) jumped from 57 points to 70, and moved up from 304th to 185th in the standings.

The ECFBL joins The Dread Pirate Rides Again and RCL 5 as the most competitive leagues with an index of 103.

In individual leagues, the average lead atop the standings is just under 10 points. There are 13 leagues where the lead is under 5, and 9 more under 10. There are 4 leagues where the lead is at least 20, with Buc Lover (Sonic Death Monkey) having the biggest lead at 26. In Razzy Number 13, there are 6 teams within 9 points of Casey Crotchman, who lead with 77 points.

Here are the category leaders (average) for the season:

Runs:  Pesky Pole Dancers (1st) 648 (515)
HR:  Lazy Sunday (26th) 173 (122)
RBI:  Bloomington Psychotoad (48th) 601 (493)
SB:  Team Musz (334th) 142 (89)
Ave:  Roid Rage (94th) .288 (.263)
K: Mister Met (268th) 899 (662)
Wins:  Baltimore Domination (67th) 72 (47)
Saves:  Better Lucky Than Good (3rd) 108 (49)
ERA:  Team ryanshea (91st) 2.70 (3.58)
WHIP: Broth’s Bombers (137th) 1.06 (1.23)

The strikeout leader, Mister Met (RCL 33) has used 163 of the 180 allowable pitching starts. Baltimore Domination (Matthew Berry is a Tool), the Wins leader, has 53 starts left.  The season is 52.7% complete, which would equate to around 95 starts used and 85 left. Currently, the team average is 104 starts used.

There was a big trade in the ECFBL Sunday. Evil Evies sent Justin Upton to Retro Vertigo for Albert Pujols and Daniel Hudson. With rumors that Pujols will return today, this could turn out to be a major coup for the Evies. In all, there were 8 trades in the past week, including Shane Victorino for Cole Hamels, Carlos Pena for Heath Bell, and Zack Greinke for Jaime Garcia.

Jose Reyes – He was the 3rd SS taken in most drafts, but he has been 1 of the top fantasy performers. In the RCLs his ADP was 28.6. Irish Whiskey (RCL 5) took him the earliest, at number 18. LOBSTER COLA (Razzbawl 36) was lucky enough to get him with the 40th pick. He is currently hitting .354 with 30 steals. He has 3 home runs and 32 RBI with 65 runs scored.

Troy Tulowitzki – Tulo has provided decent numbers with 17 home runs and 57 RBI. He is hitting .271 with 44 runs and 6 stolen bases. With an ADP of 7.9 though, owners are hoping for another monster finish.

Eric Thames – Off to a great start(14 for 38, 9 runs, 3 home runs) in his second stint in the majors, he is currently owned in 4.9% of ESPN leagues and 22 of 38 (57.9) RCLs.

Travis Snider – Hit 3 doubles with 2 RBI in his first game back from the minors, and has been scooped up by 30 RCL teams.

Phil Hughes – Due to return from the DL on Wednesday, he is currently on 26 RCL rosters.

Vance Worley – In the last couple weeks, he has 2 wins with 15 Ks in 20 innings and an ERA of 0.45, but is owned in only 5 RCLs.

Barry Zito – With 4 Ks in 13 IP, he is not exciting anyone despite 2 wins and a 1.38 ERA. He is on 1 RCL roster.

Brian Duensing – Also on 1 RCL team, Duensing has 2 wins and 15 strikeouts in his last 3 starts with an ERA of 2.18.

Mark Ellis – Hitting .444 with 2 home runs in 4 games with Colorado, and has 2B eligibility. He is available in 26 RCLs.

Yesterday was Juan Rivera’s birthday.  *giggles like a schoolgirl*  Wait, I wanna think about how the Blue Jays cut Juan Rivera on his birthday.  *giggles again*  It was his birthday!  Man, that is rich.  The Blue Jays should’ve had someone tell Juan a passage from Ezekiel 25:17.  Not someone important just to rub it in further.  Someone like the guy who cleans the jock straps.  “Juan, there’s this passage I got memorized… Hold on, I have to put extra bleach on these underpants.”  So in Juan Rivera’s place is Travis Snider.  My love runs deep for Mr. Snider.  Here’s what I said in the preseason, “In 82 games, Snider hit 14 homers.  I’m not one to prorate stats unless you just have to double something, so over 164 games (assuming a four way tie for the playoffs and the Jays play two extra games and Snider plays in every single game a’la some Cal Gehrig Jr. shizz), Snider’s going to hit 28 homers!”  And that’s me quoting me!  I only go to that to give you an idea as to what he can do in half a year.  I’d grab him in every league where you need power.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jose Bautista – 2-for-4 and his 27th home run.  The real crazy thing (to me at least) is Bautista’s a first round pick next year, unless A-Rod’s cousin comes forward and says he’s related to Bautista too.

Eric Thames – Hit two home runs this weekend.  Well, la di–No, actually that’s good.  Grab him if you need power.

Cliff Lee – 7 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Yesterday, The Adverb got modified.

Ryan Braun – Left Saturday’s game with a 22-game hitting streak and a calf strain.  He’s day-to-day as of right now (around 6:15 PM PST on Sunday).  On the hierarchy of players who get injured a lot, there’s three categories.  First category is players who are always getting hurt and missing significant time.  The category has a committee leader:  Josh Hamilton, “Ask not what your oblique can do for you, but ask what is an oblique and why can’t I stop straining it.”  Next category is players that always have at least one 15-day DL stint per year.  Heading up this category is Ryan Zimmerman, “There’s coffee and donuts in the back of the room.  Clint Barmes asked that the coffee be served lukewarm.”  Finally, there’s the category of players that are always dealing with nagging injuries, but try to play through them.  This category’s spokesman is Ryan Braun, “If anyone’s looking for Albert Pujols, he’s no longer in this category.  Also, let’s keep this brief, a lot of us are day-to-day and need to ice something.”

Brennan Boesch – Two games this weekend with a Boesch ‘n bomb.

Chris Heisey – 2-for-4 and a homer, but has only started twice in the last week.  You like him, I like him, but what did he do to get on Dusty’s bad side?  Did he steal his toothpick?  “What do you mean, you thought it was a splinter?  My best man, Don Baylor, gave me that toothpick at my wedding.”

Mark Reynolds – Hit three homers in the last two games.  All brays to Mini Donkey!

Nick Markakis – 5-for-5 yesterday and a home run on Saturday.  I am Sparkakis!  Honestly, if I owned him, I’d consider moving him in a trade.  He’s on pace for a 15/15 season.  I give that a small yay.

Chase D’Arnaud – 2-for-6 with a steal and has 4 steals in 10 games.  For those with a solar calculator on a cloudy day, which sounds like 1st draft lyrics from Alanis, 4 steals in 10 games is a lot.  If it was Eric Young Jr., you’d be so excited you’d be doing some Cirque du Soleil shizz wearing flaming leotards.  Yes, that clothing choice is a bit redundant.

Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 1 ER. Kazaam!  He’s also given up 8 runs in his last 5 appearances.  Pick up Wilton Lopez, he might be the closer by this time next week.

Josh Reddick – Did nothing yesterday but ever since Mike Cameron was designated for the assignment to stop sucking, Reddick’s been playing and hitting well (over .400 in the last week).

Ivan Nova – That bright star Nova is off to a galaxy far, far away in Triple-A Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, which either can’t make up its mind which city it’s in or the stadium is mobile.  Why do you care about Ivan Nova, you ask.  I answer, it means Yanks are about to *wink, wink* Phil up their pitching staff.

Freddy Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners and a K.  Having a better season than Zack Greinke.  Fantasy baseball:  helping prematurely balding men lose their hair faster.

Rodrigo Lopez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I have one word to describe Rodrigo Lopez — notverygood.

Johnny Damon – 7 for his last 9.  Plus, girls tend to like Johnny Damon, so if you pick him up, you and your lady friend will have something to talk about.

Hanley Ramirez – If I had known the reaction Hanley would’ve had to me writing a Buy post on him, I would’ve wrote it two months ago.  If only I had fed Morneau’s ego rather than continuing to knock him…

Mark Ellis – 2 homers and 8-for-15 since the trade.  Someone’s enjoying their new environs.  If you’re hurting at middle infidel, there’s no reason to not take the flyer.  BTW, environs is such a douchey word it wears Affliction.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4 with a homer and 6 RBIs, but was carted off the field after he crashed into the wall.  Oh, no, CartGo.  Gasp!  Shudder.  Yikes City, Colo-ruh-oh.  However, the x-rays came back negative and he shouldn’t need a DL stint.

Jose Reyes – Day-to-day with a Grade 1 strain of his hammy.  He’s on the cusp of moving into Zimmerman’s category of injured players.

Matt Capps – He simultaneously sucked and blew on Saturday; his 6th Capps-sizing of the year.  Then on Sunday, he was removed after one out and the Twins went with Glen Perkins and his orchestra of pitches for the save.  Yet, Gardy said that Capps is his closer for now.  Pretty sure the emphasis was on “for now” and not “closer.”  If you’re save digging, Nathan’s a potential nugget.

Jayson Werth – Was hit by a pitch on his wrist and left the game, but didn’t want to get X-rays, saying, “X-rays are for people who want to make sure they’re healthy so they can play well and earn a big contract.”

Melky Cabrera – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  The only way Melky’s season could be going any better is if his last name was Furbush.

Eric Hosmer – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer.  At 21, he’s actually doing really well so far.  If he takes a step forward next year, he should be a top 10 1st baseman which is nothing to sneeze at, unless you’re allergic to that sorta thing.

Max Scherzer – 2 IP, 6 ER.  He’s now been rocked by the far-from-intimidating Giants, Dodgers and Twins.  Does he feel bad for these weak offenses and he’s being an ubermensch?  Doesn’t seem uber possible.  I’d lose him in shallower mixed leagues and bench him in deeper ones.  He’s unstartable right now everywhere.

Fausto Carmona – To the 15-day DL with a strained right quad.  His left quad said this, “Get better, I’m sick of supporting his ass!”