Before you read this, I want you to go outside and look at the birds chirping. Smell the freshly-cut grass. Look up at the sun that your deity of choice made from a very large matchstick. Pat your kid on the head and tell them, “I don’t love you any more today than I did yesterday, but let’s act like I do because I won’t see you for a good six months because baseball’s back.” One more time with caps lock bringing the enthusiasm, BASEBALL IS BACK. As frequent commenter, Eric W. said, “I keep getting excited for opening night Sunday, then have to remind myself it is the Astros vs the Rangers. It’s kinda like getting to open one present on Xmas Eve and getting socks.” Yay — baseball! It’s the Astros vs. the Rangers. Okay, lowercase yay. But it’s a rivalry that dates back to Sam Houston! Don’t remember that? You should’ve rented a car at Alamo last night. Am I mixing up commercials? Eh, who cares? I’m excited! Texas is the largest state in the 48 contiguous states, it’s just too bad baseball is its third most popular sport behind football and “shootin’ empty Shiner cans.” Whatever. Baseball is back and even Selig’s badly-shorn toupee can’t change that. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Travis Hafner
It’s time for us as a people to start makin’ some changes. Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live and let’s change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn’t working so it’s on us to do what we gotta do, to survive.
Please, blog, may I have some more?About a month ago, Troy Tulowitzki had surgery to have scar tissue removed from his groin. Tulo now sings, “Scar tissue that I wish you saw, because I’m kinky.” Yesterday, the Rockies announced nothing, but people familiar with Tulo’s groin — hey now!
Please, blog, may I have some more?In a Hudson vs. Hudson battle, Tim won on a technicality as Daniel Hudson left the game with what seemed to be a forearm injury. To add insult to injury, he left the game after giving up 5 ER on 7 hits in 1 2/3 IP. With a ghastly 7.35 ERA in 45 IP this year, injury or not, it’s time to cut Daniel Hudson from mixed leagues. He looked primed to build upon a solid 2011 but so did Kate Hudson after Almost Famous. Let’s just hope Daniel doesn’t wake up to find Alex Rodriguez in his bed, begging him to go blonder and to tone up his arms. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jason Kubel – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Hey, Code Rossi wants back his fantasy outfielder value! Kubel has 4 homers this week and is hitting .333. May not be a long-term solution, but I’d give him the ol’ how’s your father? Even if his last name sounds like a vaginal exercise.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
As if pitching in the NL West wasn’t advantageous enough, Troy Tulowitzki and Matt Kemp look destined for the DL. Tulo strained his groin – which is too low or too high for a strain depending on your preference (I prefer to strain a pun).
Please, blog, may I have some more?Hunter Pence has a patella tendon strain and won’t play until this weekend. Though, more likely, he’s not playing much more in the regular season. Don’t you love H2H leagues? What I don’t understand is how you can fantasy baseball, which is a shizzload more intensive than fantasy football, then leave the end of the season up to luck like it’s fantasy football. I enjoy my one or two H2H leagues, but only because I have ten roto leagues to offset the silly luck factor of H2H. You draft a great team, then your first 5 round picks are sitting out in the finals of H2H? Don’t tell me injuries happen in real baseball playoffs, so this simulates that. Real baseball is played over 162 games, not week to week on who has, say, the most Holds. So I like H2H, but don’t make as if its playoff system makes sense. As for Pence, find someone else to fill in p to the ronto. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Todd Helton – Unlikely to return this season with back issues. It’s probably because when he sits on his bottom, his back can go to the top of its slide. Helton Skelton!
Please, blog, may I have some more?B.J. Upton went o-for-3 or one-for-four if you count him hitting the outfield wall. You say unfeeling, I say how dare he start in front of Desmond Jennings. I sat down to watch this game wearing my dress made of doilies with Desmond Jennings’s face on each doilie, i.e., my Desmond tutu, only to find him benched. How dare you, sir. In fact, I’m bringing out the douchey one word per sentence thing. How.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Ben Zobrist had a pretty good day yesterday. A double slam and legs and 10 RBIs. Zobrist’s wife, an aspiring singer of Christian pop music, wrote a song about Zobrist’s day called, “The Day The Lord Shined His Lovelight On Ben.” Its B-side is “Here’s The Church, Here’s The Steeple, God’s Fifth Outfielder Is Jason Kubel.” Both are pretty catchy. Kirk Cameron would rock them on his iPod. He’d unironically say, “Holy smokes! These are awesome!” Zobrist had a great day, doesn’t mean he’s the meow’s cat. His value may never be higher if you’re thinking you’d like to trade him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Casey Kotchman – Hit his first home run of the year as he went Mono y Mano with the pitcher.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Joe Nathan reclaimed his closer job this year but was missing something, consistently putting his team behind the 8-ball, so the Twins shifted to CAPPS. On March 25th, I said this about the Matt Capps and Taipei Slinko shituation, “Here’s what I see happening. Nathan gets torched and Capps saves a few games while Nathan works things out. Then Nathan returns, gets torched again and, finally, the Twins send him to the Disgraceful List.” And that’s me quoting me! Right now, we’re at the point where Nathan’s off to work things out. I don’t think this ends well for Nathan. Someone in the Twins organization should’ve stepped forward and said, “Hey, Taipei, you’re a gamer in the non-nerd way, we appreciate that. No one likes nerds — the candy or otherwise. But, listen to me, you’re rushing yourself back. Chillax! Go get a Jamba Juice, enjoy some me time and let’s take it slow with your recovery.” But, well, that didn’t happen. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Brian Duensing – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. He’s a Duensing machine! Would I pick him up in certain deep leagues? Yes, but I don’t trust him.
Please, blog, may I have some more?We fill out the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings with the last few hitters, the top 10 utility players for 2011 fantasy baseball. These players are only eligible at DH aka Utility. Frankly, I don’t think you should draft any of these designated hitters. They don’t allow enough flexibility. For example, what if you had Travis Hafner clogging up your Utility spot last year and you really wanted to pick up Jose Bautista? You would’ve been wretched, retching on all fours to borrow from The Decemberists. These guys have no position eligibility for fantasy baseball. As with past rankings posts, this top 10 for 2011 will be broken up into tiers, and their 2011 projections will be included. Anyway, here’s the top 10 utility players for 2011 fantasy baseball:
1.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
