Fantasy Baseball Advice

In our fantasy baseball forums, there’s a great thread going about the Fantasy MVPs, Cy Youngs and the Least Valuable Players. So I thought I’d do a year end award special. Luckily, you won’t have to wear a tux for this or listen to Derek Jeter try to be funny. Speaking of Viagra — Vlad’s got one good leg and he’s not wearing a shoe on it. Anyway, here’s The 2008 Razzball Year End Awards:

Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player - Josh Hamilton - Did everything, except blow a random stranger for a crack rock.

Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player - Albert Pujols - Pronounced POO-holes.

Fantasy AL Cy Young - Cliff Lee - In ten years, Dennis Quaid is going to be portraying Cliff Lee in a movie of the week called, “2008: The Improbable Season.”

Fantasy NL Cy Young - Tim Lincecum - 265 Ks. Sorry, Grey, could you speak up? 265 Ks!

Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player - Travis Hafner - Victor Martinez - Alex Gordon - Carlos Guillen - As the co-co-co-co-winners of this award head up to the podium to accept the award, Pronk trips and his giant melon head crashes into the ground opening a black hole in the space-time continuum that sucks all four of these schmohawks into oblivion.

Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player - Rickie Weeks - Troy Tulowitzki - Rich Hill - When Alex Gordon, Pronk, V-Mart and Carlos Guillen crash to the ground in oblivion, they land on these three schmohawks.

Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times - Jerry Hairston Jr. - He’s hitting well? All right, I’ll grab him for a short schedule day. He’s still hitting well? All right, I’ll pick him back up. He’s injured? I’m dropping him. He’s back. Awesome! He’s injured again. Now he’s back. No, he’s not. Yes, he is. Now he’s playing like Jerry Hairston Jr. again. Ugh…

Player You Had Forever and Most Wanted to Drop - JJ Putz - Why can’t I quit you, Putz?

Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up - Mike Napoli - Eh, I’ll just stick with Pudge.

Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him - Jeremy Guthrie - You know you were actually upset when he went on the DL at the end of the year.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did - Cliff Lee - Luckily, I only swore on my pinkie finger that Lee wouldn’t keep up his pace.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin - Dan Uggla - Way to revert to the norm.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It - Edinson Volquez - You took some lumps in the 2nd half, but they could’ve been worst.

Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted - CC Sabathia - Why was he so bad in April?!

Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted - Robinson Cano - Do I send the hate mail to the old Yankee Stadium or the new one?

Best Roofie Pitcher - Johnny Cueto - Max Scherzer - Clayton Krenshaw - Manny Parra

Best Jockular Sphincteritis - Kaz Matsui

Top Cuddle Boy - Fernando Rodney

Top SAGNOF - Willy Taveras/Jose Valverde (Tie)

Top Bowden Fluffer - Delmon Young

Top ESPN Analcyst - Eric Karabell

Player Who “Pulled A Kotchman“ - Rafael Furcal/Phil Hughes (Tie)

Player You Most Wanted To Run Over With a Tractor - Travis Hafner - Because Co-Co-Co-Co-Least Valuable Player Award Wasn’t Enough.

Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day - Aaron Harang

You know how you never really see yourself for who you are? Right, well, I wonder if Sheets doesn’t see himself as injury-prone. Instead, Sheets sees everyone else and thinks they’re Magoo’ing their way through their life. He sits in the locker room and he’s like, “Wow, Fielder I can’t believe you didn’t just twist your ankle right there!” And Fielder looks at him confused, “Ben, I was just tying CC’s shoelaces for him.” (Cause Prince and CC obviously have to tie each other’s shoelaces.) Also, I wonder if Sheets’s family is constantly trying to get him out of harm’s way. His wife, “Let Ben Jr. go get you some more flapjacks from the buffet. Those heatlamps look hot.” Either way, Sheets is injured. A few starts ago he complained of groin tightness. That was obviously bull–Sheets now is complaining of elbow pain. I’d make plans to be without Sheets and drop him if you need the roster room. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adam LaRoche/David Ortiz/Hunter Pence - Each with 2 HRs. In my barbecue grill’s vernacular, I’d say these players are HOO or Hot Off Off. I’m sure a lot of you wouldn’t mind a HOW or a WHO or even a WOW.

Edwin Encarnacion - Has pain in his wrist. Never a good place for a hitter to have pain. Also, now is the time of the year when people mysteriously sit out for a week even though they are only day-to-day. Yes, BJ Upton, I’m talking to you.

Hanley Ramirez - 2 HRs. Rejoice! Unfortunately, he came out of the game with shoulder soreness. Dejoice! Though he says he shouldn’t miss more than a game at most. Re-rejoice!

Brad Ziegler - Gave up his first major league home run, but his season ERA is only 0.82, which is actually bested by his teammate, Devine at 0.65. Incredible years these two are having. I think Devine’s going to be closing next year and Ziegler will be setting him up, but stay tuned.

Ty Wigginton - Finally was able to take some weight off his teammates and chip in an 0-for-4.

Cliff Lee - Didn’t have his best stuff, but before this bizarro season that would’ve meant he was rocked for ten runs. Instead he got hit around a little, but it wasn’t that awful and just missed recording his 23rd win.

Chone Figgins - Elbow pain from being hit by a pitch isn’t going away. He has no idea why. I have an idea; he weighs a buck-thirty soaking wet and he has skinny, granny bones. I’d expect the Angels to rest him right up until the playoffs.

Tony Peña - As of right now, Peña and Qualls are probably sharing closing duties. That’s if Qualls isn’t hiding an injury, which he might be because he should have been out there for the save last night. Stuck an nena on his en and called it macaroni…

Jeff Francis - Done for the year. Back date this to April.

Michael Young - Left the game yesterday because of pain in his fractured finger. He’s been trying to play through it to get to 200 hits. Don’t worry, Young, when it’s time, I’m sure the Hall of Fame committee will ignore your accomplishments either way.

Aaron Harang - Complete game shutout. Lots of offense all around baseball yesterday and Harang comes out smelling like roses. You say tomato, Harang says tomahto… You say elevator, Harang says lift…

Carlos Gomez - HR yesterday and now has 13 RBIs in the last 7 days. Watch CarGo go.

Brandon Knight - 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks. Gets out of KITT, throws a decent couple of innings, but is benefited by facing the Nots, then gets back in KITT and drives off.

Ryan Shealy - Of course he hit a home run. Was there any doubt he would hit one today?

Freddy Garcia - Yes, he looked fine tonight. Yes, he used to be decent. No, I don’t want any part of him. But he goes against the Royals next. Fine, in some deep leagues you can look.

Travis Hafner - HR yesterday. The Comatose Indians Fan can’t wait to see who the Indians are matching up with in the playoffs. Maybe the Tigers! Meanwhile, in Michigan, a young man wakes from a six month coma. He turns on Sportscenter to see the Tigers scored 17 runs with most of the runs coming from the bottom of the order. “They are just like the ‘27 Yanks!” Comatose Tigers Fan can’t wait to see his team beat the Yankees in the playoffs.

Pronk, a nickname for Travis Hafner which stands for Project Donkey, used to be cute, now it’s just stupid. Project Donkey? How about Project Jackass? When you drafted him, you wanted Josh Hamilton — Project Junkie — numbers. Not Project Flunky. David Eckstein, Project Spunky, is even better. Hafner looks like Project Monkey, which is a simian project that says 100 monkeys with a 100 bats can play pepper even if there’s a sign that says “No Pepper Games.” So, Hafner’s there, on your waivers, and you want some pop, what do you do hotshot? Do you pickup Hafner? No, you click Ignore. There’s lots of guys that are currently hot that you can use to plug-in for slumping hitters or injuries. If Hafner gets hot in a day or two, then grab him, but chances are he’s not going to be up to full speed until it’s too late. Maybe the Indians can send him to the Venezuelan Winter Leagues, so he can get hurt in November and then be ready for spring training. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Phillips - Broken right index finger and his season comes to a close. I’m going to go over preseason projections vs. end of the season numbers in the off-season (we will have posts here all winter!), but I wanted to look real quick at what I wrote back in January, “Projections: 80/19/75/.240/25 and is benched in July because his slump is ‘all in his head.’” Well, he wasn’t benched until August for the slump that was “all in his head,” but let’s look at Brandon Phillips’s final numbers: 79/21/77/.262/23. Now, if you were here in April, this is not a surprise to you, but when he got hot in the beginning of the year, I told you to trade Brandon Phillips. And that’s me quoting me, linking to me and quoting me again!

Paul Konerko - Sprained MCL — which is not the Razzball Commenters League that is coming right down to the wire. Will it be the upstart girl? The other white meat? A dark horse? Stay tuned! Or not! That’s on you. — Konerko’s probably done for the year. You have to find someone else to hit home runs on your bench.

Andre Ethier - 23 for his last 46. That’s .500 or “What will win the NL West, Alex?”

Josh Anderson - Schmohawk I mentioned in Friday’s fantasy baseball players to get post, he stole a base yesterday and he’s been leading off for the Braves.

Wade LeBlanc - 6 IP, 1 ER. Risky going forward, but anyone who pitches their home games in Petco is a potential ace. I’m pointing my oversized foam finger at you, Baek.

Warner Madrigal - Got the save. Just when you think you understand what the Rangers are doing, they go and do some dumb shizz. This move is perplexing because Frank Francisco probably was available. Let’s hope Warner got the save because the Rangers wanted to see how he looked rather than anything being wrong with Francisco. Warner Madrigal? What’s that, a German songbird?

Alfredo Aceves - 7 IP, 1 ER. It’s been a while since Yankees fans had anything to get excited about, but Aceves looks like he could have some late-September value.

Troy Glaus - Day-to-day with a strained right shoulder. Look elsewhere.

Chris Volstad - Came out of the game when he was hit by a grounder. He should make his next start.

Dontrelle Willis - Skinny CC Sabathia will make a start next Monday against the A’s. Here’s hoping they let him hit so he has some value for the Tigers.

Carlos Delgado - 3-for-3, 2 HRs. He looks like a non-Latin 35 again.

Jeremy Sowers - 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks. He’s someone to look at down the stretch in your leagues.

Eugenio Velez - Perhaps driving in the winning run will earn him some playing time. Ivan Ochoa, the speedy schmohawk that did start, is oh-for-September. Those that have lost Phillips and/or Upton recently might want to keep an eye on Velez. (That’s if you have two good eyes. If you wear an eye patch, don’t waste your one good eye on Velez.)

The Rangers traded Eddie Guardado to the Twins for Mark Hamburger. If Hamburger doesn’t ring a dinner bell, that means you’re not related to him. With the trade of Eddie Guardado, Frank Francisco, whose claim to fame until yesterday was tossing a chair at a lady in the stands, will get the nod to take over as the Rangers closer. Actually, the chair toss might still be his claim to fame. After being instilled as the Rangers closer almost a month ago, Guardado only got 2 saves, so expectations for Francisco, the closer, should be kept in check. I suppose expectations for Francisco, the hot head, are endless. If you’re in a tight saves race, you take the flier on Francisco. Just because Guardado didn’t succeed doesn’t mean Francisco can’t. Remember Guardado was traded for a Hamburger. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

John Maine - Not sure if you dropped him yet, but you should. He’s done helping you this season. (Yes, you could backdate that to June.)

Luis Castillo - If you’re desperate for a MI, I still wouldn’t look at Castillo.

Mike Pelfrey - First time in 13 years a Mets pitcher has pitched back-to-back complete game victories. Of course this comes a week and a half after the Mets say they were going to limit Pelfrey’s innings. That’s what losing Maine and Wagner will do to you. Was kinda surprised Pelfrey didn’t strikeout 20 and throw a perfect game. He can do nothing wrong right now.

Victor Martinez - Should be back any day now. Am I taking a flier in any league? Nah, but he could have a respectable month.

Travis Hafner - He’s experiencing soreness in his shoulder.  If you’re holding him for when he returns, prepare to be Pronk’d!

Franklin Gutierrez - HR yesterday. The Big FraGu is hitting .338 with 4 HRs and 13 RBIs in August. Like MC Lyte said, Act Like You Know.

Kosuke Fukudome - 3-for-4 with 4 RBIs and had a HR on Sunday. Fukudome was benched a couple of games last week and he probably was dropped in your league. He’s someone to watch just in case he gets hot.

Grady Sizemore - 2 HRs as he secures his 30/30 season and, according to my Stuff On My Cat Desk Calender, we’re not in September yet.

Nelson Cruz - HR yesterday. He had just under 2,000 HRs this season in the minors. New math: Some pop + Arlington = 8 HRs in the last month.

Jimmy Rollins - As Phillies fans readied their batteries, he went 3-for-3. Hopefully Ryan Howard gets sloppy seconds on Rollins’s slumpbuster.

Brett Myers - 7 IP, 0 ER. Like Gary Glitter, Myers has been lights out since the minors.

I was drunk for the first three months of the fantasy baseball season. That’s right, blitzed. Three coladas to the wind. Someone would ask me for fantasy baseball advice and I’d type out my answers with a celery stalk that was drenched in booze. Chris Davis or Chase Headley? I’d play eeny-meeny-miney-moe with my cocktail umbrellas. Start Kuroda? I’d ask whatever nogoodnik was on the stool next to me at the local watering hole. But I had, as drunks say, a moment of clarity. So I decided to take the All-Star Break as an opportunity to look back at some ill-advised fantasy baseball advice that I gave and make amends. As Josh Hamilton would say, “It’s Step 8. Make a list of all persons we have harmed, and make amends to them all. Apologize especially to Milton Bradley, or he’ll stab you with a spork.” Anyway, here goes some apologies for first half fantasy baseball advice that makes me lucky the American Mustache Institute doesn’t revoke my license to have a mustache:

Travis Hafner - I placed him 4th overall for all first basemen. Not only did Hafner not deliver what I had hoped, he didn’t deliver anything, except a message that read, “I don’t deserve my uber-cool nickname, Pronk, and my bones have atrophied 500% in the last two years.” Unless Hafner gets in that pool from the movie, “Cocoon,” we’re done with each other forever. Skinny dip with Wilford Brimley or it’s goodbye. Your call, Pronk.

Rich Hill - I put everyone in this schmohawk, including Carl in the first comment here. I think Carl promised to hate me forever if the trade backfired. Luckily, all he lost was Krispie Young. I hate you, Rich Hill, for coming between me and Carl!

Jeff Francoeur - Even in leagues that don’t count OBP, I hate guys that don’t take a walk, but Frenchy had a certain je ne sais quoi. Maybe his free swinging ways made him like Vlad, but white — as most Vlads are.  Well, I was wrong here (even choosing him over Josh Hamilton in that ‘pert league), here and here. I swung and missed with Franceour about as many times as he did. Next time I tout Frenchy, my article title may as well be, “Grey’s Gay for Francoeur.”

Robinson Cano - There were times on this site when I should’ve changed my Don Mattingly look-a-like picture and put Cano up there with a big heart over it. I was blinded by Cano’s youth and flat, line drive stroke that is Carew-like. (If his swing was anymore like Carew’s, he’d have to circumcise the knobs on his bat.) Or maybe I was attracted to Cano’s absurdly low BABIP that made me think again and again he had to be a Buy Low…. Actually, I’m still buying. Act like you know, MC Lyte!

Edwin Encarnacion - When I placed him 15th out of all third basemen, I said this, “Maybe I’m effin’ crazy, but I like Encarnacion.” I was crazy. See, your first instinct is always right. Go ask Malcolm Gladwell.

Alex Gordon - I loved Gordon coming into the year. Was I wrong? That’s what this post is about. Why are you asking rhetorical questions that do nothing but hurt me? When you cut me, do I not bleed?

Alexis Rios - This is Rios’s fault as much as it’s mine. Why does your swing have to be so sweet?

Aaron Harang - I called Harang up the other day on my cellular phone. “Grey here.” “Oh, I was just calling in an order for some Hot & Sour Soup and potstickers and didn’t hear the phone ring.” “Yeah, that’s cool. Listen–” “Who did you say you were again?” “Never mind that.  Just let me say something.” “Um… Who?” “Listen, this isn’t easy. I’m sorry for putting so much pressure on you. I thought you were a solid starter that was wholly underrated. I see now you weren’t underappreciated, just under-skilled–” “This is an apology?” “Yeah, give me a second. So when I told everyone they should not only draft you, but trade for you. Why did you then shit my house? Cause I think the–” “This doesn’t sound like an apology.” “I’m getting to it!” “Okay, but I think I have another call.” “Oh, okay, I just figured you owed me some kind of apology–” “Me apologize to you?” “Yeah, you completely ruined five of my fantasy teams!” “I thought you were the one who was supposed to apologize.” “Yeah, you’re right. I apologize for believiing in you, you fat, mother– Hello? Hello? Aaron?”