Fantasy Baseball Advice

If you can’t find a high risk/high reward outfielder on your waivers right now, you’re just not trying very hard.  Sorta on topic, I feel like picking up the latest high risk/high reward hitter is like double dog daring your leaguemates.  You think picking up Snider is risky?  I just picked up Wladimir Balentien! Oh, yeah?  I’m grabbing Matt Diaz and Chase Headley!  *beads a sweat from random italicized voice*  Fine, I’ll grab Angel Pagan! As for Travis Snider, he’s still very young and raw like a nice piece of toro.  If you need pop, he’s worth a flier in all leagues to see if you can catch some lightning in a bottle, Thor.  Though he’s just as capable of striking out 30 times in the next month and batting .130 as he is of hitting 8 homers.  If your itchy for rookie nookie, go for it.  Just beware the rash.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Matt LaPorta – The MLP Package is on in Cleveland.  Now it’s up to LaPorta to make it watchable.

Drew Stubbs – Has great speed and BBQ.

Kyle Blanks – For power, you could do worse.  Fun fact about Kyle Blanks, every year for Halloween, he dresses as Michael Clarke Duncan and he wears no costume.

Julio Borbon – Great, terrific, wonderful.  All signs pointing to fantastic.  Could win Player of the Week.  Has a long way to go to being worthwhile for an extended period of time, but while he’s hot, grab him.

Carlos Gonzalez – We’re all gonna go blind if I keep flagellating Carlos Gonzalez.

Rajai Davis – SAGNOF!  I’m only mentioning him again, because he’s still only owned in 25% of ESPN leagues.  Even if 75% of ESPN leagues are abandoned… Wait, does that means he’s 100% owned?  Hmm… Color me confused.

Bronson Arroyo – He’s had one bad start since the All-Star Break.  That is all.

Billy Wagner – Lukewarm buy here.  If you really need saves, okay.  But he needs to not only get dealt, but he needs to end up on a team where he’ll be getting saves.

Mark Ellis – Picking up Mark Ellis and an orangutan couldn’t even get Jane Goodall’s nipples hard, but Ellis has been hot and he has 2nd base eligibility, so there.

Jeff Baker – I almost went with the title, The Fabulous Baker Boy and Jeff Baker as the lead.  Jeff Baker?  Boy, perhaps.  Fabulous?  Seems to be overselling him.  Wow, this is already shaping up to be a major sell on this buy.  So what can we expect of Jeff Baker?  He has great eligibility!  How’s that for a buy?  He has good pop that never fully materialized in Colorado.  So now it’s going to materialize? Yeah, I know what you’re saying.  He hit 20+ homers in his last full year of Triple-A.  He also has ten steal speed over an entire season.  Right now, he’s the Cubs starting 2nd baseman.  So if you need some pop from your MI slot, Baker’s worth a look.

SELL

Aubrey Huff – I didn’t like him at all in the preseason.  Then when he was terrible, I looked at his 2nd half splits.  Splits, indeed.  But like Biff Tannen, make like a banana.   I’m done ever liking him.

Brett Anderson/Trevor Cahill -  Way over their innings.  Beane needs to either shut them down or trade them for seven first round picks.

David Price – Another guy that’s pushing the limits of what a young pitcher should throw.  Murmurs say Sonnanstine will be taking over Price’s rotation spot in September.  Murmurs also say, the guy on Megan Wants a Millionaire is a murderer, but I really want to see the rest of the season.  C’mon, VH1!  This could be the best TV ever.  He goes to open a wine bottle and you try to imagine what he’s thinking about holding a corkscrew.

Ryan Doumit – I preach patience with catchers relying on the Ron Popeil, “Set It and Forget It” method.  I’m going to make an exception for Doumit because he’s been terrible.  Even the Pirates have noticed his egregiousness and moved him down the order.  When the Pirates are moving guys down the order, it’s time to abandon ship.

Hiroki Kuroda – Regarding his concussion, he said through a translator, “The first two days I had a hard time sleeping and I even had a dream about getting hit.”  The translator was Nicole Kidman.  Weird!

Travis Hafner – At this point, the only advantage to owning Hafner would be to use his head to crack open walnuts.

A two-week vacation did ol’ Grady’s elbow just dandy.  The inflammation Grady Sizemore has been feeling all year has subsided and there’s no need for now to resort to arthroscopic surgery.  That has to be a relief to fantasy baseballers who drafted G-Sizzle with their 1st pick.  So should there be concern that his elbow troubles will reappear? Um, we’re not experts in this area, but we’re pretty sure elbows inflame for a reason.  Unless the elbow belongs to Albert Pujols, it’s probably a safe bet that Sizemore will eventually get shut down or underperform.  What to do?  Not much you can do, except hope you can at least salvage a pro-rated 20/20 from him (or one of those no HR/surprise SB seasons like D-Wright and BJ Upton).   If you can trade him for 80 cents on the dollar (say, Alexis Rios, Granderson, Holliday, etc.), do it in a heartbeat…..Crazy that the most Grady player on the Indians might be Shin-Soo Choo. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brad Lidge – Threw a bit yesterday and is eyeing June 23rd for his return.  My crystal ball says on June 24th, I’ll be responding to comment #24 with, “Hold Madson for now.”

Johan Santana – Rick Peterson, former Mets pitching coach, said he’s heard rumors that Johan is dealing with pain in his surgically repaired knee.  And Willie Randolph said he heard a Jerry Manuel-induced charley horse is the root of Reyes’s leg problems.

Pablo Sandoval – 2 HRs yesterday, now has 8 on the year and batting .332.  Betcha wish you didn’t give up on him in April.  As I said so many times before, put a catcher in your catcher slot and press mute on your brain.  Yadier had a hot week! No, random italicized voice, stop with the noise.

Prince Fielder – 2-for-3, 6 RBIs as he hit the first grand slam of his career.  Big day for big men yesterday.

Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4, 2 steals and a homer.  9 homers and 11 steals on the year.  Get on the Shin-Soo Choo choo train!

Travis Hafner – HR yesterday.  Hey, maybe he got some HGH eyedrops too.

Mark DeRosa – HR yesterday.  Okay, pop quiz, hotshot.  Who has more homers V-Mart or DeRosa?  Hint, V-Mart has 11.

Torii Hunter – Left the game after colliding with the wall.  Last I heard, x-rays were being done.  Be crazy if they found some empty whiskey bottles.

John Lackey – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks.  He cruised through five and a third like he was a Monte Carlo.  But in the last one and two-thirds, he looked like he was a Yugo.  When Andres Torres, career minor leaguer, took him deep in the 7th, Lackey looked out of gas/exhausted (either work for the similes).

Ervin Santana – Will miss one start with a strained muscle in his forearm.  Good to hear it’s not his elbow.  Bad to hear it’s another part of his arm.

Sean Rodriguez – HR yesterday as he got the start.  Hopefully, Scioscia sits him for the next week, then calls back Kendrick. (It’s reverse psychology, just go with it!)

Travis Hafner is coming back.  We’re picking him up for our UTIL slot right now…in our 40 team mixed league.  Brett Myers, who has been a marginal mixed league starter since returning from a bullpen stint 2 years back, may be out for the year with the latest – or should we say hippest – new injury….the torn labrum in the hip.  It’s the new oblique.  We had him on the risky list this year, but thought his elbow would be the first to go after throwing so many sliders last year.  If any Phillie pitcher was going to get a new hip, we would’ve bet Jamie Moyer.  (Incidentally, he’s also first on our list of most likely Phillie pitchers to get a new gall bladder.)  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Grady Sizemore – [sarcasm] Huge game for Grady as he went 1-for-3 with no runs or RBIs or steals.  Watch out now! [/sarcasm]

Clete Thomas – Batted leadoff for the Tigers yesterday.  I’ve figured out Jim Leyland’s master plan!  Anderson had been leading off, but he’s the left fielder and he sat out.  So Clete Thomas was the left fielder yesterday so he led off.  When Clete Thomas was the right fielder, he batted third.  Leyland’s got the positions written on his lineup card and only enough Liquid Paper to change names.  Mystery solved!

Anthony Swarzak – This guy sounds like a guy everyone went to high school with (Dude, did you hear Swarzak bought a Camaro?!) but he’s in fact another intriguing young Twins starter after 2 solid starts in a row… Well, until you look at his AAA and MLB K totals. 6.5 K/9 in AAA and 6 Ks in 2 starts sounds a lot like Glen Perkins Jr.  Avoid him in mixed leagues.

Dan Haren – 8 IP, 2 ER. In the 8th inning, he twisted his ankle and fell.  I began to weep.  He got up and finished the inning (giving up a run).  He looked like he’ll be okay though.  Godspeed, Danny!

Ryan Roberts – I swear every time Daron Sutton says his name, I say to myself, “Brian Roberts was finally traded to a different team?”  Anyway, forget Ryan Roberts, he’s 29.  But that’s what they said about Junior Spivey!

Randy Wells – 4 major league starts now and 4 solid (albeit winless) starts.  Nearly a K an inning and a 1.80 ERA / 1.16 WHIP. He spent the last 2 1/2 years hanging in the Cubs AAA with our pal, IowaCubs, alternating between starting and relieving.  If you’re in an NL-league, hope for a Dempster ride.  In mixed leagues, avoid the Dumpster dive.

David Hernandez – The 4th Baltimore rookie pitcher this year to win his first major league start.  We’re naturally weary of any Orioles starter, but Hernandez warrants monitoring.  His minor-league K rate is very impressive — over 10 in the past two years in A and AA and 12.5 K/9 (!) in AAA this year.  He’s also had some control issues in the minors which extended to his first start (4 walks in 5 IP).  He’s not a top prospect, but neither was Daniel Cabrera and look how well…oh, right….

Luke Scott – 2 HRs yesterday.  Ring, ring… Who’s there?  Cheap power.  Hey, c’mon in, you want a seltzer?

Nolan Reimold – HR yesterday.  Oh, and, um, PICKUP REIMOLD!!! (Caps and heavy hand on the exclamation marks for emphasis and people reading over your shoulder.)

Matt Kemp – 1-for-4 with 2 steals, while he batted eighth yesterday.  Torre said he would’ve batted him ninth but he didn’t like how Wolf matched up with Wells.

Derrek Lee – We had a rare D-Lee sighting last night as he went 2-for-4.  He hit two warning track fly outs too.  I’m not paying to see if this is a start of something, but if you own him, it might be.   Cross your fingers.  But cross two you don’t use much like the pinkie and ring.  Leave the middle one free in case D-Lee comes down with another case of sucking.

Randy Wolf – 7 IP, 7 Ks, 2 ER, has a 1.80 ERA on the season and 64 Ks in just over 76 innings.  No, his ERA won’t stay there, but he could give a 3.50.  Pays to go with the boring guys sometimes.  Oh, and we were just about to see the Wolf take on the Fox when Troncosco relieved Wolf.  This would’ve been the first time we had an all-animal matchup since Paul Byrd threw a tennis ball to his schnauzer, Daisy.

Travis Hafner pronk’d you like only he can.  Here’s you in the 17th round of your draft, “Well, Swisher’s staring at me like he wants my Jolly Ranchers, but his playing time is an issue.  Oh, wait, I know!  I’ll grab Hafner because he’s going to bounce back to in medias res HGH levels of production.” First off, it’s impressive you used in medias res in a sentence to yourself even if it was used wrong.  That kind of Latin isn’t often seen during internal monologues by anyone born after 78 AD.  Second, I told you to avoid Hafner!  What are you doing?  Thinking on your own? And in Latin?!  C’mon, man.  Carpe Diem!  Hafner’s off to see Dr. Freeze and the Indians are looking at a possible LaPorta promotion.  Mmm… Bop!  I still don’t think he comes up yet, but his chances just got better.  This Pronk’ing also just opened up more time for Shoppach.  Member how annoyed you were that you owned Shoppach and he wasn’t playing?  Well, he should be owned now.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Yovani Gallardo – 8 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks.  Also, provided the only scoring for the Brew Crew with his 2nd homer this year.  Choose your favorite commenter’s word play:  A) He went Ga-yardoed!  B) Gallardonk!

Edinson Volquez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit.  Only one walk.  Efficient, son.

Ryan Zimmerman – 18-game hitting streak.  Looks like Zimm’s sick of being the bridesmaid.

Adam Rosales – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs.  More importantly, Dusty played him.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-5, .329 on the season with 4 steals and one homer.  I haven’t mentioned AS-drubal much since the season started because I pushed him so much during the offseason.  Well, he’s doing what I thought he would.  Little of this, little of that.

Felipe Paulino – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 Ks.  Now with a 2.55 ERA in three games.  Gets the Nats next.  Yes, please.

Julian Taverez – Got the save yesterday.  Then crane kicked himself in the head.  He’ll be okay.

Kelly Shoppach – HR yesterday in the DH spot.   Later, Pronky Loser.

Eric Stults – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  He didn’t look Some Kind of Wonderful last night.

Pablo Sandoval – Day-to-day with tightness in his left groin.  Sandoval has two groins?

Fausto Carmona – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Don’t matter to me cause I dropped his 6.28 ERA owning, no strikeout throwing ass.  I told Rudy something like this when I dropped Carmona for Gaudin, “Carmona’s got the kind of promise that can really hurt a team.”  What I mean, you can’t start him and you can’t bench him.  It’s the worst place to be.  I’m going to let some other schmohawk deal with this nonsense.

Jon Van Every – HR yesterday.  Wait, is that the lady from Knots Landing?

Brett Myers – 6 IP, 3 ER.  I have similar feelings about Myers as I do about Carmona.  Only Myers is in the NL so he’s slightly more attractive.

B.J. Ryan – Expected out until at least late-May as he was told he needed a week of “no-throw.”  Hmm… How about a month of “no-own?”

Carlos Marmol – 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  This one’s hurting me because I don’t have patience for an MR who’s giving up runs.  No matter who he is.  Marmol might be hurting.  Maybe it was those 20,000 pitches he threw last year.

Kenshin Kawakami – Next start being pushed back two days because of a sore shoulder.  Not a good sign…

Javier Vazquez – 8 IP, 5 ER, 8 Ks.  I’m convinced Javy could have this line if he pitched in Petco or Coors.  Always seems to strikeout guys and give up some runs.  He’s not all or nothing as much as all and nothing.

Eric Patterson – Someone in our fantasy baseball forums mentioned him yesterday and I realized I failed to mention him when I talked about Ellis going down.  Anyway, Patterson — SAGNOF.

Nick Swisher – 2 HRs yesterday to bring his total to 7.  And these haven’t even been in The Jetstream.

Billy Butler – 4-for-5, 2 HRs.  He did it for all of you muffin tops out there.

Jorge Cantu – HR yesterday for his 6th.  He’s in a cheap power for a 1st baseman race with Swisher.

Rick Porcello – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Okay, but you shouldn’t have been starting him in this game anyway.  Save him for AL Central matchups or lose him forever. (<–Hey, that sounded like Meg Ryan’s line to Goose in Top Gun.)

Conor Jackson – Hitting only .200 with 1 HR.  Manage 2 RBIs and 1 Run just by walking twice with the bases loaded.  We’ve said it once counting this instance:  Conor Jackson is the best RBI guy in baseball if you discount all RBIs earned from official ABs.

Zach Greinke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks.  I think he might be this year’s feel good story like Hamilton was last year, “Zach Greinke:  The Purpose Pitch.”

Our weekly Friday Fantasy Baseball Feature, Buy Low/Sell High is back after an offseason layoff.  When asked what this fantasy baseball feature did during the offseason, it said this, “Went up to the Adirondacks for some bass fishing with my friend, Clete.  Well, one thing led to another and we fell in love.”  Alrighty then!  To get everyone on the same page, I like the Buy guys.  I dislike the Sell guys.  Now if Thames is in the Buy section (which he is!) and Lackey is in the Sell section (there too!) that doesn’t mean I recommend you trade Lackey for Thames.  Everything’s relative, Einstein.  Anyway, here’s some guys to buy and sell for the 1st week of the fantasy baseball season (start the games already!):

BUY

Alexi Casilla – Can run, can hit and at MI it pays to find out how much.

Emmanuel Burriss – Imagine Juan Pierre at 2nd base.  Run, Burriss, run.

Brett Gardner – It’s like a whole post of SAGNOF’ers.  Solid OBP and can steal 35 bags.  Don’t invest too heavily because the Yankees outfield is crowded, but I gots love for Gardner.

Marcus Thames – In 400 ABs, it’s not outlandish to think he could hit 30 HRs.  Actually, it’s quite landish.

Mark Teahen – 20/10?  Maybe.  Doesn’t hurt to find out.  Rotate middle infielders!  All the kids are doing it.

Russell Branyan – Every year a few guys rip up spring training and carry it into the regular season.  Don’t pay a lot for this schmohawk, but he’s worth a flier for power.

David Price – I like him better than Wieters, because, in the end, Wieters is just a catcher, but Price is a pitcher that can still get 120 to 140 solid innings.  Just bench him for a month.  You don’t really need Emilio Bonifacio that bad.  Unless you do.

David Freese – Now Glaus is not coming back until the All-Star Break.  Freese is the word.

Jason Motte – Sure, LaRussa’s doing everything he can to not appoint Motte the closer, but the alcohol has to wear off eventually.

Josh Johnson – You’ll be poppin’ some blowers when you fire up a Big Johnson.

John Danks – And put some Danks on it!

Matt Cain – I can just feel it.  Cain’s about to warm it up.  Genuine for oh-nine and still ain’t half-steppin’, peace!

SELL

Huston Street – Sure, check’s good to the bettor, but you need alligator blood.  Trade Street for an upgrade somewhere else while he has some value.

David Purcey – Mentioned this guy the other day.  *Burp*

Elijah Dukes – He’s effectively losing the outfield job to Austin Kearns.   That’ll make for a fun clubhouse!

Chris Young – Something is seriously wrong with Tally.  Might be hiding an injury.  Maybe he’s just sick of getting things down for people off high shelves.  You should hold tight for right now, but you’re not going to be able to start him.

Troy Glaus – Punt!

Fernando Rodney – If you can actually get someone to trade you a decent piece for Rodney now that he’s the closer, you win.  And by “decent piece,”  I mean just about anyone.

Travis Hafner – How long you think Hafner’s going to be stinking up the joint with his melon head?  Hafner’s head, “That was uncalled for.”

Nyjer Morgan – I like speed and nothing else guys as much as the next schmohawk, but Nyjer’s like a hot dog with no hot dog and no bun.  Think relish in your hand.  Who wants relish in their hand?  I don’t.  In deep leagues, sometimes you have to do what you have to do, but I’d try and do it elsewhere.

John Lackey – First sign of good news, I suggest you see if you can get someone decent for him in a trade.  This might take embellishing good news like this, “After his MRI, Lackey said he felt so good he could go for another three of them.”