Fantasy Baseball Advice

Hunter Pence has a patella tendon strain and won’t play until this weekend.  Though, more likely, he’s not playing much more in the regular season.  Don’t you love H2H leagues?  What I don’t understand is how you can fantasy baseball, which is a shizzload more intensive than fantasy football, then leave the end of the season up to luck like it’s fantasy football.  I enjoy my one or two H2H leagues, but only because I have ten roto leagues to offset the silly luck factor of H2H.  You draft a great team, then your first 5 round picks are sitting out in the finals of H2H?  Don’t tell me injuries happen in real baseball playoffs, so this simulates that.  Real baseball is played over 162 games, not week to week on who has, say, the most Holds.  So I like H2H, but don’t make as if its playoff system makes sense.  As for Pence, find someone else to fill in p to the ronto.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Todd Helton – Unlikely to return this season with back issues.  It’s probably because when he sits on his bottom, his back can go to the top of its slide.  Helton Skelton!

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4 with his 24th steal and 3rd steal in his last 4 games.  Sure, Rockies, now play Young like he’s a rookie scrub who you’re just feeling out, unsure if he can play in the majors.  I hate the Rockies.  Today I’m officially starting the trade Eric Young Jr. to the Twins Campaign.  Gardy will let Young play and run and the M in MI in MN stands for mess.  All money donated to the site will not go to the Eric Young Jr. to the Twins Campaign, but we can pretend it will.

Phil Hughes – Scratched from Wednesday’s start with back issues.  I hope he returned the favor to Brian Cashman.  That’s how the world works, Phil!

Robinson Cano – Hit his 12th HR in the 2nd half to go along with an AVG near .320.  Imagine how much better those stats would be if it weren’t for the HR Derby Win jinx!

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  In case The Wandwagon isn’t mentioned next week, I just want to say with his 3.51 ERA and decent Ks (164 in 184 2/3 IP) he’s proven once again to be a serviceable fantasy starter without the flash.  You’re blue collar, Wandy, and for that I respect you.

Josh Beckett – 7 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Done in by two HRs by Mark Reynolds.  Maybe Godot had the scouting report on how to get him out.

Matt Garza – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  It’s an extravaGarza!

Chase Headley – 0-for-2, 1 RBI and a sacrifice.  Oh yeah, baby, he’s back!

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K in Coors.  I’m seriously considering doing a weekly podcast next year and, if I do, the first order of business will be finding someone to compose a Hodgepadre song.  In related news, the Rockies are really phoning it in this September.

Tommy Hunter – Left his start with a strained groin.  Wouldn’t wanna be near his colander.

John Mayberry Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  Yes, the Phillies are phoning it in even worse than the Rockies, but the good thing about a team phoning it in is they’ll play guys like Mayberry every day.

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-3 with his 2nd homer in his last three games.  Okay, pop quiz, hotshot!  Who’s gonna be more valuable next year, Wilson Ramos or Jesus Montero?  Laughably obvious?  Or is it?

Brett Lawrie – Out for the year with a fractured finger.  First, House doesn’t win at the Emmys, now this.

Dan Haren – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Might miss his last start after being hit by a liner on the wrist.  His owners get pist.

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4 with the slam & legs.  Now has 12 homers and 22 steals.  Next year he might be my number one “Get this guy in every league” guy.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see him get to 15 homers and 40 steals.  He’s gonna be Stubbs without the .240 average.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Hey, all you need is a short term hot schmotato and at least I’m not recommending Derrek Lee.  Oh, wait, a second…

Derrek Lee – 3-for-4 with a homer.  Now has three homers in the last 8 days.  Grey’s recommending Derrek Lee again, there goes the neighborhood.

Ross Ohlendorf – 2 IP, 7 ER.  Now has given up 31 earned runs in 33 and a 1/3 innings with a 1.99 WHIP.  Swollendwarf!

Lucas Duda – Left yesterday’s game due to dizziness after crashing into the right field wall.  Forget about moving the fences in, the Mets should move the fences back.

Brent Morel – Hit his 4th homer in the last ten games.  Brent Morel is looking Septacular!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  This doesn’t have much to do with fantasy baseball (like Swollendwarf does), but does anyone else get the feeling that the Ubaldo deadline trade is gonna be one that the Indians look back on in ten years and regret?

Travis Hafner – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Pick him up and think about the fun you can have at the end of the season when someone looks at your roster and you have Derrek Lee, Vernon Wells and Hafner.  When they ask you how’d you win, you can freak them out by telling them it’s really 2006 and you hope Bob Barker hosts The Price Is Right forever.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I’m sure you’ll hear more about this when we go over our teams in the offseason, but after we inexplicably dropped Vazquez from our LABR team he’s put up 137 innings, 2.89 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, 9 Wins and 126 Ks.  Pretty much would’ve been leading our team from that point on.  He’s also been the topic of more discussion on IM between Rudy and I than maybe any other player.  Usually goes like this, “F**king Vazquez!”  “I know.”  “Seriously, f**k him!”  “I hate his face.”

Logan Morrison – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  He’s just lucky the minor league season is over so he can’t be demoted.

Bronson Arroyo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Oh, no, he’s endangering his Sigh Young chances!

Brandon Phillips – 3-for-4 with his 12th steal.  Yesterday, he said the Reds would not receive a “homeboy hookup” with his final contract.  Walt Jocketty volleyed back that he just wants to “pay a man his worth and keep it on the heezy.”  Phillips then replied through his translator, Barbara Billingsley, that, “The heezy is for sure, but Beezy needs to get the deezy or else he’s gonna Cherokee fade this piece.”

B.J. Upton went o-for-3 or one-for-four if you count him hitting the outfield wall.  You say unfeeling, I say how dare he start in front of Desmond Jennings.  I sat down to watch this game wearing my dress made of doilies with Desmond Jennings’s face on each doilie, i.e., my Desmond tutu, only to find him benched.  How dare you, sir.  In fact, I’m bringing out the douchey one word per sentence thing.  How. Dare. You. Sir.  Upton’s day-to-day with a shoulder strain.  He’ll probably miss a few days, unless he thinks he’s going to play instead of Jennings.  Then I might have to Gillooly someone.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jeff Niemann – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He was so close to putting together another solid game.  Too bad I don’t have him on my fantasy horseshoe team.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-4 with his 21st homer.  I don’t own him anywhere so my motives are a bit tainted, but I hope he finishes up the year with a sub-.240 average.  If he somehow falls into the 3rd round next year, color me excited.

Jimmy Rollins – To the DL with a Grade 2 strain of the groin.  That’s crazy advanced.  I never strained my groin until, like, the 8th grade.

Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Mets.  It was so easy that he walked 3 batters just to see what it feels like.

John Mayberry – Another day, another HR.  That’s 11 HRs in 189 ABs this  year.  Raul Ibanez has 5 more HRs in 240 more ABs.  Cust kayin’, Charlie.

Hunter Pence – 2 for 3, 4 runs, 2 RBIs as he clearly is taking to the city of Tastykakes and Cheese Steaks.  It’s got to make Ruben Amaro feel better that his fleecing of Ed Wade isn’t limited to just pitchers (Oswalt, Lidge).

Jose Constanza – Left yesterday’s game with an ankle sprain.  Fredi is probably finding out if Constanza can play on crutches instead of playing Heyward.  Hey, Constanza, the ocean called, it’s running out of non-phenoms.

Tommy Hanson – Said his shoulder feels fine.  You know what I don’t like?  When a pitcher feels the need to say his shoulder feels fine.  Can all pitchers agree to go mum on the whole shoulder business?  Mum is the word, is the word, is the word…

Jonny Venters – Got the save yesterday because Kimbrel had been used a lot recently and Venters had been used a lot recently but Venters’s life coach is Scott Proctor.

Nate Eovaldi – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Reminds me a bit of John Ely when he first was called up.  Hey, whatever happened to John Ely?

James Loney – 7 for his last 8.  Yawn.  Wake me when he gets his homers into the double digits.

Travis Hafner – To the DL with a strained right foot.  He stepped on his old football helmet that was being used as a beer cooler during a recent BBQ.

Ross Detwiler – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has put together four straight decent starts.  Yes, ‘decent’ is less than a quality start.  I wouldn’t grab him in any league.  Yes, I’m only talking about him because yesterday was a short schedule day.

Adrian Beltre – Ran at 75% yesterday.  I walk at 35% with a cane and a limp while wearing a chinchilla fur coat.

Justin Morneau – Out with a sore foot, but the good news is, depending on whether you own him or not, his x-rays were negative.  The bad news, again dependent on ownership, he’s going for an MRI on Tuesday if his foot isn’t feeling better.  Now try and figure out what you’re hoping for.

Chris Narveson – After throwing 5 1/3 shutout innings, he left his start with a cracked fingernail.  That once knocked my mom out of action for an entire afternoon.  Couldn’t make me lunch or anything.  Godspeed, Narveson.  Maybe you can get an endorsement with Lee Press-On.

Zack Greinke – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Greinkes!  Just when you think it’s safe to start him everywhere every time out, he gets dunderblown by the Pirates.

Alex Avila – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in the last four games.  He’s also hitting .429 in August.  I wouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’s head just yet, but he is having a solid year.

Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 21st homer.  He’s also batting .293 on the year.  Aren’t you glad you got him off your team back in April?  What a relief!

Ben Revere – 1-for-5 but probably made the best play of the year.  Too bad my fantasy league doesn’t have a Web Gems category.

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 5 for his last nine with a homer.  Must… resist… urge… to… pick… up… Astros… hitters.

Brian Bogusevic – Hit his 4th homer yesterday.  Before you think about picking him up, remember he’s a herbathrowdite.

Ryan Ludwick – 1-for-4 with a homer.  The Pirates trade deadline deal is paying immediate dividends!

Jose Tabata – 5-for-9 in the doubleheader, has now hit in every game since his return with two homers.  He’s at 31% owned in ESPN leagues.  Even assuming 50% of ESPN leagues are abandoned, that figure seems low.

Andrew McCutchen – Sat out the nightcap and Daniel McCutchen got the win.  Wait a second, I saw that episode of Family Ties when Alex had two dates to the prom.  Did Daniel McCutchen enter the game wearing a different color tie?

Starlin Castro – Received a mental day off yesterday.  The Cubs gave Carlos Zambrano 4 mental days off out of 5 and look how well that turned out.

Ben Zobrist had a pretty good day yesterday.  A double slam and legs and 10 RBIs.  Zobrist’s wife, an aspiring singer of Christian pop music, wrote a song about Zobrist’s day called, “The Day The Lord Shined His Lovelight On Ben.”  Its B-side is “Here’s The Church, Here’s The Steeple, God’s Fifth Outfielder Is Jason Kubel.”  Both are pretty catchy.  Kirk Cameron would rock them on his iPod.  He’d unironically say, “Holy smokes!  These are awesome!”  Zobrist had a great day, doesn’t mean he’s the meow’s cat.  His value may never be higher if you’re thinking you’d like to trade him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Casey Kotchman – Hit his first home run of the year as he went Mono y Mano with the pitcher.

Sam Fuld – Led off and went 0-for-9 in the the doubleheader where the Rays scored 21 runs combined.  That’s a ticker tease of epic proportions.  After the game, a teammate touched Fuld’s shoulder and said, “You’ll get ‘em next time.” and turned away.  Fuld responded, “That’s not why I was here.  I just wanted to see this team reach its potential.”  The befuddled teammate turned around and Fuld was gone.

Edwin Jackson – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I saw nothing worthwhile here, but it was against the Yankees, so I’m giving him one more start.  That’s it.

Travis Snider – He’s evidently not taking notes in Dwayne Murphy’s class (.181 AVG w/ no power) so the Blue Jays are sending him to detention (aka AAA).  The Blue Jay LF will be manned by either SAGNOFs (Patterson, Podesdnik) or a BAGNOG (Brother Ain’t Got No Glove) like Juan Rivera.

Adam Lind – Homer yesterday, now has 3 homers in 3 days.  He’s not at 100% in ESPN leagues, but then again Manny’s still owned in 12% of ESPN leagues, so I’m not sure those ownership numbers mean anything.

Alex White – Called up to replace Carrasco in the rotation.  Had a hot start in AAA, but his previous year in AA was nothing great.  Throws a decent amount of ground balls with good Ks this year, but last year it was just okay Ks (stutterer!).  Best case scenario for him is Britton, which is terrific, fabulous, wonderful.  His worst case scenario is roofie’ing you and dousing your naughty bits with Sriracha.  For now, I wouldn’t go near him outside of AL-Only or deep mixed leagues.

Travis Hafner – Sat out yesterday with a sore ankle.  Never hear about sore cankles.  Another vote for cankles!  I wonder if we can convince Zobrist’s wife to help put together a ‘We Are The World’ for cankles.

Shelley Duncan – Homered then ripped Chief Wahoo’s arm off with a high five.

Grady Sizemore – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer.  I’ll be honest, I’m hesitant to buy in.  He abused me so many times, I flinch when I watch him.  But I’ll Be Honest, Part II:  More Honesty, he could hit 25 homers and steal 15 bags.

Fausto Carmona – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Is it me or does it seem like he’s pitching well every time out?  It’s obviously me because Carmona has an ERA of 5.15.  So he is pitching well, but only compared to Gallardo, Edwin Jackson or Liriano.  As the Irish Justin Timberlake says, crimey a river!

Joe Mauer – Twins said Mauer wasn’t ready for the start of the season and he can’t resume any baseball activities yet.  No spitting, no scratching himself.

Miguel Olivo – Hit cleanup, replacing Kennedy.  Will now be known as Miguel Baines Olivo.  MBO has 2 homers in the last three games.  He hits them in bunches.  I’d say he’d be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t.  I’m telling you about him now.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 2.01 and a WHIP of 1.07.  I have one thing to say, it sounds like, I wish I owned him sum wear.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I almost made him a sell for this afternoon’s post because his K-rate (prior to this game) and his xFIP (or ‘What’s an Ex-Fip?’ as Murray Chass calls it) was absurd.

Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4 with his 4th steal as he gets his BUPKIS in order.

Kendrys Morales – With pain lingering when he running, he’s off to see a specialist.  Sylvester Stallone?

Ryan Vogelsong – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  The Giants love Vogelsong in a Sting-like way.  First, there was the tantric, never-quite-orgasmic prospect years (2000-2001).  Second, they set him free, shipping him off to sea (the Pirates) like a message in a bottle.  Third, he came back (which I think is the point of the ‘If You Love Somebody Set Them Free’ song otherwise it makes little sense, right?) older and wiser, having pitched in the minors and Japan for the past 5 years.  All that said, he has a career ERA of 5.77 and WHIP of 1.577.  Pick him up only if you’re the King of Pain.

Ryan Zimmerman – Played catch yesterday and Mark Zuckerman, from CSN Washington, said Zimmerman “won’t be back for awhile.”  But they fail to mention that it was a lovely father-son moment.

Roger Bernadina – Whatever, the Nats are stoopid.

Nick Swisher – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his first homer.  I didn’t like Swisher in the preseason and this was his first good game, but if someone grew tired of his shenanigans I’d grab him to see if he’s about to get hot.

Brett Gardner – 2-for-3, 3 runs and the slam & legs.  Now if he could only pitch for my fantasy teams…

Ryan Dempster – 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Abe Froman may be the sausage king of Chicago but Ryan takes a sausage in the Dempster like a king.

Joe Nathan reclaimed his closer job this year but was missing something, consistently putting his team behind the 8-ball, so the Twins shifted to CAPPS.  On March 25th, I said this about the Matt Capps and Taipei Slinko shituation, “Here’s what I see happening.  Nathan gets torched and Capps saves a few games while Nathan works things out.  Then Nathan returns, gets torched again and, finally, the Twins send him to the Disgraceful List.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Right now, we’re at the point where Nathan’s off to work things out.  I don’t think this ends well for Nathan.  Someone in the Twins organization should’ve stepped forward and said, “Hey, Taipei, you’re a gamer in the non-nerd way, we appreciate that.  No one likes nerds — the candy or otherwise.  But, listen to me, you’re rushing yourself back.  Chillax!  Go get a Jamba Juice, enjoy some me time and let’s take it slow with your recovery.”  But, well, that didn’t happen.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Brian Duensing – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s a Duensing machine!  Would I pick him up in certain deep leagues?  Yes, but I don’t trust him.

Chris Young – To the DL.  He’d be a Bennis Carpensheeter if he had better game or less gams.

Grady Sizemore – Member in 2009 when his injuries started?  Of course you don’t, that’s why I’m here.  He hit a home run the day before he went to the DL.  Then returned and hit a homer in his 2nd game back.  Then variations of bupkis for two years, so don’t overrate his homer in his first game back.  It’s nice and all but if you think he’s back for good, you’re only fooling yourself.  And when you’re fooling yourself, you make a fool out of ING, or whatever that cliche is.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer as he bats .196.  Might be a day late and a dollar short for this, but, even though I wasn’t a huge fan of Supernatural in the preseason, he’s only going to get better.  I.e., Buy low.  (BTW, Santana’s been crizzap, Choo is batting .214 and Sizemore just returned to the lineup, yet the Indians are 11-4.  Quick, someone wake up the Comatose Indians Fan.)

Travis Hafner – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer.  I don’t buy a resurgence here.  If you pick him up, you’re getting Pronk’d.

Fausto Carmona – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Control-Alt-Ignore.

Jhoulys Chacin – Complete game shutout on Friday.  I kinda love Chacin and his 150-point-in-Scrabble first name.  To misquote the most overrated group of all-time, don’t hide your love of Chacin away.

Roy Oswalt – Good news from the Oswalt camp, which is group of twelve guys who look like Ralph from Survivor living in the Ozarks without running water, he should make his next start.

Charlie Morton – Sonavabench!  Complete game on Friday with the only blemish being Jay Bruce’s homer.  Double sonavabench!  It’s raining sonavabenches!  Someone make the sonavabenches stop.  Please!

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-3 with his 3rd homer.  I said in the preseason that The Dread Pirate was Crawford two rounds later.  Luckily, he’s been nothing like Crawford.

Jose Tabata – I’ll take a coffee with three creamers, tomahto juice, but I don’t want just any tomahto juice, I want Mr and Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary mix and, finally, a slam and legs.  Thank you.

Edinson Volquez – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks with four first inning runs.  Seriously, have Cordero start Edinson’s games.

Jay Bruce – 4-for-5 yesterday and his 2nd homer since I told you on Friday to buy him.

Jonny Gomes – Yesterday, hit his 6th homer, third this weekend and a lot more homers than that other guy you have on your team.  Yeah, him.  And him too.

Phil Hughes – In what I believe is our first case of the Disgraceful List this year.  You gotta be pretty terrible to get put on the Disgraceful List this quickly.  Let’s see what I said in January about Hughes, “Know when I’m going to draft Phil Hughes?  After he’s traded away from the Yankees.  Nothing personal.  He just had the 2nd worst fly ball rate in the majors and he plays in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built.  Just can’t draft that headache.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!  So who you blaming for drafting Hughes?  You ain’t blaming me.  Blame that Best Buy salesman that knew nothing about the TV you wanted to purchase.  Blame the barista that left no room for milk.  Blame your 7th grade teacher for making you stay after and saying that you and him had chemistry.  Just don’t blame me.  Know who else you can’t blame?  Rudy.  He put him on his risky pitcher list.  If you drafted Hughes, to quote the airplane version of one of the best movies of all time, Menace II Society, “You done messed up. You know that, right?”  To quote the TV-edited version of yourself, “I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS MONKEY FIGHTIN’ HUGHES!”

Chad Billingsley – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I really needed this start from Bills on so many teams.  I love you, Bills.  Write back soon!

Ryan Franklin – 4th blown save and has an ERA of 11.57.  Can’t spell Franklin without FAIL.  La Russa should replace Franklin with Motte or Mitchell Boggs, CPA.  Probably in reverse order.  Now whether La Russa does this is anyone’s guess.  On Saturday, La Russa said, Franklin is our closer and now excuse me while I go feed my scarf.

Andres Torres – To the DL.  In a day when I feel the need to bathe myself in my prescience, here’s what I said about Torres in January, “On one hand, you want to believe Torres’ 2010 was fluke.  On the other hand, you think he can repeat.  On a third hand that is actually just a foot wearing a mitten, you don’t know what to make of Torres’ last year.  I hear you, loyal Razzball reader.  It’s a pickle, I tell ya.  Here’s my take, Torres has 10+ homer power and 25+ steal speed but he’s also injury prone.  It’s one of the reasons why he’s so old and just now bursting on the scene.  I’d pay for Torres as a fourth outfielder, then pray he stays healthy.”  And that’s me stroking me!  Yeah, Torres didn’t stay healthy and there’s no guarantee he will when he returns.  That’s his problem…And yours if you drafted him.

Barry Zito – Headed to the DL.  That’s a baked Zito.

Brandon Belt – Andrew Baggarly, the San Jose Mercury reporter that sounds like a Charles Dickens character, thinks Belt has until April 26th to do something.  With Belt’s talent, I’m willing to hold him for another week plus to see if he can get comfortable in the majors.  Loosen up, Belt!

Alex Rodriguez – Scratched on Sunday due to back tightness.  See, I usually do that for back itchiness.

Jake Peavy – Will return in about a week and a half.  If he’s unowned in your league, pick him up and then pray to your deity of choice he stays healthy.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has a 2.33 ERA.  Guess I should’ve went with him instead of F-Her.  Sweet.

Dallas Braden – Has a shoulder issue and thinks he’ll miss his next start.  I look forward to not seeing that.

Frank Francisco – Will return on Tuesday, but it sounds like Frank² won’t get the job back immediately.  We saw Frank² not get the closer job back immediately last year and he never got it back.  I’d hold Rauch and Francisco for now.

Johnny Damon – His bruised finger is very sore.  Sounds like he might be throwing a *pinkie to mouth* splint finger.

Starlin Castro – 7 for his last 9.  I lurve him.

Jair Jurrjens – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks on Saturday.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar pitched well.  Meesa does not anticipate that’s foreshadowing for future performance.

Tommy Hanson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’m such a K whore I’d take one of these Hanson starts over two of his 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 K ones.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, his 4th homer and he batted 2nd while McLouth phoned 2008 to find out where his talent went.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’m not gonna freak out unless his next start is poor, as well.  Now let me go cry into a pint of Clusterfluff ice cream.

Carl Crawford – 0-for-4, batting .127 with 3 runs and 1 RBI on the year.  After the game, he burned over your wedding video with a sex tape of your sister, just to make his season stats seem better by comparison.

We fill out the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings with the last few hitters, the top 10 utility players for 2011 fantasy baseball.  These players are only eligible at DH aka Utility.  Frankly, I don’t think you should draft any of these designated hitters.  They don’t allow enough flexibility.  For example, what if you had Travis Hafner clogging up your Utility spot last year and you really wanted to pick up Jose Bautista?  You would’ve been wretched, retching on all fours to borrow from The Decemberists.  These guys have no position eligibility for fantasy baseball.  As with past rankings posts, this top 10 for 2011 will be broken up into tiers, and their 2011 projections will be included.  Anyway, here’s the top 10 utility players for 2011 fantasy baseball:

1. Adam Lind – This is the first tier.  Lind is the only one in this tier.  I call this tier, “Lind will bounce back, check his eligibility in your league.”  Went over Lind’s projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.  (Note: Has 11 games at 1st base and 16 games in the outfield.)

2. Vladimir Guerrero – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ortiz.  I call this tier, “These guys will tempt you to draft them.  Don’t.  Okay, draft Vlad if he has outfield eligibility in your league.”  Went over Vlad’s projections in the top 40 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball.  (Note: He only has 19 games in the outfield.)

3. David Ortiz – Big Popup’s HR/FB% went from 17.2% in 2007 to 14.8% in 2008 to 13.4% in 2009 to 19.0% in 2010, which was actually near his career norm.  So that means at 34 years old, Ortiz stopped the career slide and reverted back to his old ways or it means he had one last good year and will go back to the career slide this year.  I’m guessing on the latter.  2011 Projections:  80/27/100/.255

4. Luke Scott – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Matsui.  I call this tier, “Don’t draft these guys under any circumstances.”  I don’t mind picking Scott off of waivers when he’s on one of his hot streaks.  If you draft him and keep him on your team, you probably autodrafted.  You’re also not reading this so I can say whatever I want.  I was the one who used your Seven Samurai Criterion Collection DVD as a coaster.  That’s for not even knowing Kurosawa until the Barenaked Ladies mentioned him in one of their songs.  Scott’s projections are in the top 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball. (Note: Scott has 19 games at 1st base and 14 games in the outfield.)

5. Hideki Matsui – I worry about you and your fantasy baseball team if you even consider drafting Matsui.  If he’s on the board and you’re considering drafting him, go for an upside pick.  2011 Projections:  50/18/70/.270  (Note:  Matsui has 18 games in the outfield.)

6. Jim Thome – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the list.  I call this tier, “Now would be a good time for the AL to revert back to the pitcher hitting.”  People convince themselves Thome is a good bet on draft day.  “Hey, he hits 25 homers!  That’s better than a flyer on some guy who I’m not even sure is getting playing time.”  That’s you.  And that’s incorrect logic.  If, say, Reid Brignac is not getting playing time when you draft and Thome is, you’re still better with Brignac because when it’s the day before the season starts and Brignac is suddenly the starter, guess whose value shoots up?  Thome’s value never goes anywhere.  Ever.  It’s like this, do you buy a penny stock of Atari hoping they regain their past glory even though they haven’t done anything new in 20 years and their factory is three Chinese men passing around a porn magazine or do you buy a penny stock of a hot shot new company that may or may not burst onto scene?  Go with the hot shot.  2011 Projections:  50/22/60/.255

7. Jack Cust – Another Atari.  Cust kayin’.  2011 Projections:  60/20/70/.235

8. Travis Hafner – More like ColecoVision.  2011 Projections:  45/15/55/.265

9. Dan Johnson – I could see telling people to pick Johnson off waivers during the season, but unless he has 1st base eligibility in your league (14 games) and your league is an AL-Only league, there’s no reason to draft him.  2011 Projections:  60/15/70/.245

10. Jake Fox – I almost put Nick Johnson here, but I was afraid if I ranked Johnson, he would read it, get excited and throw out his back.  As for Jake, I still have the “Unathletic like a Fox!” t-shirts.  As soon as he hits, they hit the market.  2011 Projections:  30/10/40/.245