It began as a whisper… a promise… the lightest of breezes danced above the cries of men and women cheering him on in little league. That breeze became a wind. A wind of freedom… a wind of justice… a wind of vengeance. The time has come, my Beddictites, to prepare yourselves for a breakout of epic proportions. I speak not of the Herp, but of the Harp; Bryce Harper to be clear.
Some would argue that Nostradamus’s greatest prophesy was made in the year 1566, mere days before his horrific case of the Gout brought him to his death bed. “What prophesy is this you speak of, oh wise and charming Beddict?” Ask and thou shalt receive. A deep search into the annals of Nostradamus’s journals produced this historic find– “In the year of our Elder Gods, 2014, a breathtakingly handsome young writer will come out of the shadows and change the world forever. He will no doubt be criticized by many a troglodyte [Ed. Note-- Good word usage bro.], but he shall not hold it against them, for they not know better. On March 10, 2014, this debonaire young man, who will be known as the Mark Twain/William Shakespeare of his generation, will make a prediction about another chosen one, another young man I have seen in my dreams, an athlete of sorts. These overwhelmingly powerful visions of this brutish boy swinging what seems to be a wooden stick at a bloodless round object have seemingly pushed me to the brink of my grave. It’s either these visions or this Mother F’ing gout! Anyway, I know not what this prediction shall be, but whatever it is, it will have an 85 percent chance of coming to fruition. These two young men’s futures will be forever intertwined for better or for worse. Take heed, for it has been written. I can now die in peace knowing my last true vision has been recorded in my leather-bound and padlocked journal. Now, if only this useless peasant, wife of mine would bring me my favorite chocolate sprinkled crepes along with some brie. Tis a virtual certainty she’s yet again, getting bent over in the barn by my stable boy, Mortimer. By the Gods, I despise that whore.” It’s been said those were the last sentences ever written by Damus, as he passed and now resides with Hood in “House Death.” Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, I touched on the top 20 starters for 2014 fantasy baseball and only two guys pressed charges. I could’ve sworn Alex Cobb was giving me eyes and then I moved my hand and then he slapped my hand and I thought it was over but then the cops showed up and sigh. Last year, there was fifteen pitchers from 21-40 that I would’ve drafted. This year there’s 16, and the few guys I’m not crazy about in this post are probably fine too. Say it with me now, “There’s more pitchers than Michael J. Fox can shake a stick at.” I’ve already gone over all the hitters for my 2014 fantasy baseball rankings. As always, my projections and where tiers start and stop is included. Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2014 fantasy baseball: Please, blog, may I have some more?
In the summer of 1937, a woman went into labor. This woman’s name was Alfonsa Soriano. She was 78 years old at the time and the doctors worried she wouldn’t be able to deliver a healthy baby and she risked her own safety. The baby and the mother made it through. Unfortunately, due to her age, her skin wasn’t as elastic as a woman half her age and she walked the rest of her life like she was just jumping hurdles. Her son, Alfonso Soriano, adopted her long gait — a way to pay homage? — and it helped him later in life. He said because of his long strides, he made sneakers last twice as long because he used half the number of steps as most people. Heartwarming. Also, heartwarming is his insane season. Yesterday, he hit two more homers to bring his season total up to 32 and he now sits at 98 RBIs and 79 runs. Yeah, you were counting on that when you drafted him in the last round of your drafts, or as a late $1 flyer. Look away for the next moment if you don’t own him: on our Player Rater, he’s the 6th best outfielder! In front of him, Chris Davis, Mike Trout, Adam Jones, Andrew McCutchen and Jacoby Ellsbury. Right after Soriano? Carlos Gonzalez! Absolute-Lee-Eff-In-Cray-Zee. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball: Please, blog, may I have some more?
The news is good, Allen Craig is in a walking boot and on crutches. Yay! Sorry, I should’ve said the news was good for people who don’t own Allen Craig. *smacks forehead with palm of hand* Geez, I’m such a huckleberry! So, this means the new Cardinals first baseman is… Please, open door number one! Actually, all I see is his elbow. Could you open door number two, as well? Hmm, still missing his right side. Go ahead and open door number three, too. There he is… Matt Adams! I’ve teased Adams a lot about his girth and that ain’t right, even if right and girth are anagrams. Adams isn’t out of shape…if watermelon is a shape! The zaftig Madams will be playing first for as long as Craig can’t and I’d grab Adams in all leagues where I needed power. He could hit five homers the rest of the way if Craig stays sidelined until the playoffs. As of right now, there’s no word on how much time Craig will need. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball: Please, blog, may I have some more?
This is always painful, but it’s also necessary. What follows is a look back at my preseason prospect rankings — a self audit, if you will. To be clear, this isn’t a re-ranking or anything, but it should suffice to remind all of you that I am mostly stupid. Please keep in mind that these guys are very early in their careers, and there is plenty of time for each to either figure it out, or get figured out. Anyway, let’s cut to it. Here’s the list as it appeared back in February: Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jose Bautista left yesterday’s game as Jose hip got amiss and he hit the DL. In his place will be Anthony Gose and Kevin Pillar, who’s good friends with Jason Paritek and Kevin Poukilis, but even Pillar can’t stand Jonathan Ppappelbon. Pillar said, “He’s a pancing fool!” In the minors this year, Pillar had nine homers and 23 steals while maintaining a .300+ average. He profiles as a fourth outfielder, but you never know when someone gets hot. He hasn’t yet though. Meanwhile, Gose is good if you have the need…the need for speed! Or so says Maverick. Gose stole 70+ bases some years in the minors. No, that’s not a misprint. Unfortch, he never heard that anonymous credo, you can’t steal first. Together, they’re interesting from a Jays’ perspective. Together, not so much from a fantasy one, unless one steals the job (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, duck, duck, Gose!). In AL-Only leagues, I’d grab the Pillar and wait until someone says, “Hey, you making sure the Parthenon doesn’t fall?” In deep mixed leagues, I’d grab Gose if you’re desperate for steals. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball: Please, blog, may I have some more?
Did you guys see that Clint Eastwood movie, “Trouble with the Curve”? No? Yeah, me neither. It got a 52% on RottenTomatoes.com, which is pretty awful, so I think it’s safe to assume we didn’t miss much. Anyway, I’m thinking the whole flick would’ve gone over better if it had just looped this clip from the Little League World Series over and over again:
Bhahahahahah. I laugh, but I’m sure my effort wouldn’t have been much better. Your two-starters are below.
As always, probable pitchers are subject to change. For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click that link. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Greetings ya’ll! Tis I yet again, Tehol Beddict, legendary bull-fighter, master class stripper, fantasy sports champion, and the west coasts top male escort 3 years running. Tis true, my name has been associated with much folklore, for I have gone balls deep more often and more ferociously than THIS grand creature. That’s right, click that link, turn the lights down low, turn up the volume and get a clearer picture of what I’m speaking of. But I come to you today, not to boast about my seemingly constant erotic encounters, but to give a little insight on fantasy baseball, though in a strange way they both go together. Ok, so they really don’t. Hopefully that didn’t get many of you “Magic the Gathering” players too excited. Anyway, this week’s session will consist of me comparing some players who have stood out to me all season with some of hip hop’s most famous rappers. I will even include the best single lines of these rapper’s career, so that’s something to get pumped about right? This genius idea was inspired by young Kendrick Lamar’s controversial verse on Big Sean’s new record, Control, where son came in and claimed both the east and west coast throne. Kendrick has the streets talking and this priceless Adolph Hitler response has kept me in tears all night. I’m guessing many of you would prefer me comparing bands like Pearl Jam and Guns and Roses but we’ll save that till Axl Rose dies, which could be as soon as next week. This is just part one and the end will consist of some short blurbs of what else went on this week in fantasy baseball so skip to the bottom if you like. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!? No? Oh well, lets do it. Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know who’s happiest about Kolten Wong being called up? The Vatican. Finally, something non-Catholic related will show up in search results when you Google ‘Cardinal + Wong + 2nd base.’ Somewhere, Dan Brown is scribbling notes for a new thriller…the Catholic church took a page out of the playbook of the Native Americans, who having foreseen the Internet in a 1973 peyote-inspired dream, worked to make sure the practice of reselling tickets was known as scalping. So now you Google ‘Indians + scalping’ and the search results are just a way to get cheap seats in Progressive Field. Wong’s call-up crowds the Cardinals infield in the weirdest of ways. Wong can’t play shortstop. It says here. There. Where I just wrote here. He can’t play 3rd. Says there. Where I wrote it. Can’t play 1st. Says here. Next to where I wrote here. He plays 2nd, Carpenter goes to 3rd and Freese goes on ice. Sorta surprised by this because the Cardinals know that seriously reduces Freese’s trade value, but he was seriously reducing his trade value by playing. But, wait, why do we care? What can Wong do right? Here’s what Prospect Scott said just two days ago, “Wong has caught a heater at the right time, hitting .333/.429/.556 with 2 homers and 2 stolen bases through his last 10. Too bad Grey can’t catch a heater in his groin.” What? Why? On the year in the minors, Wong has a line of 10 HRs, 20 steals and a .303 average. That’s close to what I’d expect of him in the majors too. He has a great eye at the plate (60 Ks, 41 BBs) and nice speed. Maybe a handful of homers and steals in the last six weeks with a good average. In keepers, he’s a must have. In redrafts, I’d grab him in all leagues for upside. I’m excited. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball: Please, blog, may I have some more?
The man, the myth, the legend. I speak not of young Xander, he who was blessed to be featured in this article, but of myself, Tehol Beddict, good at many things and great at more. Greetings noble readers! It is you that keeps me cognizant at 4 am, even with an enormous modeling audition tomorrow in Vegas. I’d rather pluck and eat my pet chicken than dissatisfy what few consistent readers I have. That is saying something, for my chicken has been with me now for 7 years, accompanying me on my countless cross country trips and movie shoots. She even attended a recent Kenny Chesney concert with myself and my good buddy Riley Cooper. WHOOPS! Without Beatrice I would be lost, but if I were to lose you readers I would likely go back to the bath salts, possibly eat human flesh, and start writing for footballnation.com again. Those were loathsome times I tell you. Please, blog, may I have some more?