Fantasy Baseball Advice

You know it’s September when I’m highlighting a guy that could possibly give you maybe one week of just slightly better-than-average stats.  Enter stage left, Mark Ellis. Yesterday, he went 3-for-3 with his 4th homer on the season.  Is there a meh emoticon?  That’s Mark Ellis.  He’s a big bottle of “Um, what the hey, I’ll grab Mark Ellis.”  He is the guy on waivers that, even when hot, you don’t feel like the three clicks of the mouse to pick him up are worth it.  I hear ya.  I’m not exactly dropping superlatives on him like I’m Donald Trump describing anything.  He’s now batting near .400 in September.  Don’t make me tell you to grab him every day this week.  Just get him now.  He’s hot.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jason LaRue – Due to multiple kicks to the face by Johnny Lawrence Cueto, LaRue’s retiring.  Cueto obviously misunderstood when so many pitchers said they’d love to face LaRue.

Travis Wood – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Had some unfounded concerns for this start.  He goes to Petco next.  I’d get Wood.  I mean… No, that’s what I mean.

Chris Johnson – 2-for-3 with his third homer in the last ten games.  Compared to, say, Kung Fu Panda, Johnson looks like Mike Schmidt.

Michael Bourn – Out with an oblique strain.  Sounds like he might be sidelined until late in the week, at least.  It’s The Bourn Calamity.

Joe Blanton – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Really deserved the win in this one.  Not Blanton.  Me!  I deserved it.  I can’t believe I’m going to lose leagues because I can’t buy a win.

Jayson Werth – 3-for-5 with the South Philly special slam & legs.  BTW, Jayson Werth seems way more likely to know and/or talk to Turtle instead of Ryan Howard.  You know, Turtle from that show you watch that you have no idea why you watch.

Mark Teixeira – Who has one sore thumb?  This guy!

Andy Pettitte – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Nice start for a guy who hasn’t toed the major league rubber in two months.  The problem, he gets the Red Sox next.  I wouldn’t go near that start in most leagues.

Luke Scott – 2-for-3 with his 27th homer.  If he hits one homer, he always hits another homer within the week.  The preceding was off of memory and no actual facts.

Joe Mauer – Has a jammed knee and is day-to-day, which is day-o to day-o in Jamaica.

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the A’s.  This should’ve been an easy start for Liriano.  An easy start!  Grrr…

Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in three games.  He reminds me of a slightly younger, much more Korean Bobby Abreu.

Bobby Abreu – Speaking of the 20/20 machine, Abreu hit two homers yesterday to bring his line to 83/20/75/.255/21 for one of those joyless 20/20 campaigns.

Fernando Rodney – Blew the save on Saturday and the Sciosciapath said, “”I have a lot of confidence in Fernando. One got away tonight, unfortunately. But we’re comfortable with the guys out there to hold leads. It’s not going to happen all the time.”  So, of course, Jordan Walden got the save on Sunday.  In fairness to Scioscia, Rodney had pitched two days in a row.

Mike Napoli – Out with a forearm strain that occurred from his constant pulling for playing time.

Chris Narveson – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  If it’s any consolation, it’s obviously not the best of luck when you give up six earned and only 8 baserunners.

Barry Enright – Uncle Barry is shutdown for the season.  Should free him up to tell bawdy jokes and complain about his wife’s cooking.

Daniel Hudson – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  On the Diamondbacks, his WHIP is under 1 and his ERA is 1.65 in 71 innings with 65 Ks.  Yeah, that’s better than that other pitcher you’re thinking of.  And that one.

Adrian Beltre – Out with a sore wrist, but I’m guessing he’ll be playing Monday.  Wild horses on speed (like in the underrated Ted Danson/Howie Mandel-starrer, A Fine Mess) couldn’t keep Beltre out for an extended period of time during a contract year.

J.D. Drew – Hit his 19th homer yesterday.  He’s actually pulled off the rare feat of hitting 19 homers and not once getting hot enough for an extended period of time to be usable in fantasy.

Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 3.06 ERA on the year and more Ks than IP.  I’ll admit it, I kinda love Lester.

Phil Coke – 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Before getting rocked, Leyland said, until Valverde is ready to go, he’ll be going with Coke.  Ron Washington said that’s a good move.  After getting rocked, I don’t think it’ll be that clear cut.  Perry could see some saves.

Tommy Hunter – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K.  I’m not a huge Hunter fan, but he gets the A’s and M’s as his final two starts.  That ain’t bad.

Jose Guillen – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs.  He was almost the lead for this post and I think you should grab him as the hot outfielder off of waivers.  He’s hitting near .400 over the last week with two homers.  Trust me, pick him up.

Derek Lowe – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Lowe’s been pitching well of late and he gets the Nats next.  I’d grab him.

Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Marlins and pitched well against the Cards his last time out, the same Cards he gets again in his next start.  It’s still not an advisable start with his 7 BBs to 5 Ks in his last two starts.

Welington Castillo – 2-for-4 with his first career homer.  Showed some power in Iowa, but he’s a hacker that could be a .220 hitter.  He’ll probably split time with Koyie Hill and isn’t worth picking up unless he gets crazy hot or you’re just crazy crazy.

Tyler Colvin – Will miss the rest of the season after being impaled by a broken bat.  He should be fine, confirming he is not a vampire.

Geovany Soto – Out for the season with shoulder surgery.  The Koyie Hill Fan Club, that affectionately refers to itself as The Koy Pond, celebrated his potential increase in playing time at Coyote Ugly but in the Evite they cheekily called it Koyie Ugly.

Last week’s ERA was 2.44.  That’s 22 earned runs in 81 innings.  The WHIP was 1.28.  That’s 104 baserunners.   Had 5 Wins and 58 Ks.  (That’s minus Thursday’s Westbrook start because, well, it’s Thursday.)  Not too shabby on the ERA considering the schmohawks I recommended last week.  Obviously, I’m just as unlucky with Wins with these borderline starters as I am in my real leagues.  This offseason September Grey is going to Hawaii to see if he can find the Tiki idol that is cursing his win karma and seeing if he can’t fix this problem.  To recap, these aren’t guys I’d drop anyone worthwhile to get, these starters are meant for streaming purposes and all of their ownership in ESPN is under 50%.  These streamers are in no particular order.  Also, in the final month of the season, managers juggle their lineups more, so there’s no guarantee all of these guys are listed on the right day.  Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for this week in fantasy baseball:

Friday, September 17th

Nick Blackburn – As I keep recommending him, I’m probably pushing my luck — or my Bluckburn — but he gets the A’s and has an under 2.00 ERA in his last 31+ IP.

Carlos Carrasco – Be impressive if I get out of this day without one blow up, but I continue to impress myself every day.

Wade Davis – All of these guys are risky so far, but that’s the nature of borderline starters, I suppose.  Here’s hoping when Davis goes against the Angels, Scioscia decides to bench all his best hitters.  Start Mathis at DH, get his bat in the lineup!

Ian Kennedy – If these were in any sorta order, Kennedy would be number one for this day.

Randy Wolf – Has had some success vs. the Giants (really, what pitcher hasn’t?) and coincidentally that’s who he faces on Friday.

Saturday, September 18th

Jhoulys Chacin – Didn’t look terrific in his last start vs. the Diamondbacks, but he gets Ks.  Some teams need those sorts of things.

Tommy Hunter – Facing the M’s in the aptly named stadium, Safeco.

James McDonald – A capable strikeout pitcher going against the Diamondhacks.

Kevin Slowey – I was thinking it’s kinda sad that he’s not owned in 50% of ESPN leagues, then I thought about how he’s pitched this year and that made me sadder.

Sunday, September 19th

Joe Blanton – Besides a game in Coors, where you wouldn’t have started him anyway, he hasn’t been hit in over a month.

Derek Lowe – Not a huge fan of Lowe, but goes to Metco.  That’s a decent gamble, no relation to Rudy.

Chris Narveson – Was solid in last year’s 2nd half, goes against the Aints and has been racking up Ks.

Monday, September 20th

Brian Duensing – Has been lucky and doesn’t get many Ks, but does go against the Indians in this start.

Bud Norris – Risky but the reward could be huge with Ks.

Tuesday, September 21st

Mark Buehrle – Pretty much the polar opposite of Bud Norris.  I can guess Buehrle’s line:  7 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.

Jake Westbrook – Hasn’t had one bad start since he was traded to the Cards.  Forget Annie Sullivan, Dave Duncan’s the miracle worker.

Wednesday, September 22nd

Nick Blackburn – Yes, I recommended Blackburn twice in this post.  So shoot me.

Anibal Sanchez – Has alternated good start with bad start for a while now.  This start vs. the Mets falls in the good.

‘Uh-oh’ doesn’t really do the sight of Stephen Strasburg throwing a pitch and shaking his elbow in pain.  Word is now he might go see Dr. Freeze.  Usually a visit to Dr. Freeze means the pitcher will be out for at least a year.  I think a visit to Dr. Freeze in this case would just mean the Nats are being very cautious.  It’s like when your Schnauzer has a bellyache and the vet tells you he’ll be fine, but you’re so worried about Arfer Woofruff that you disguise him as a little old man and seek a second opinion from a gastroenterologist.  If you own Strasburg in keeper leagues, I’d cross your fingers, toes and the street to your religious house of worship and pray for good news.  In redraft leagues, you can hold him for a day or two until it’s official, but I can’t imagine he’s pitching again this year.  Riggleman said, “I don’t even know if he’s playing catch tomorrow.  The doctor might say, ‘Don’t pick up a ball.’  The doctor might say, ‘This looks fine, this is normal pitching stuff, go get ‘em.’ But I doubt it.”  All I’m saying is you don’t take Arfer to a gastroenterologist then immediately to the park to play catch with a frisbee.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, just wanted to give people a heads up that we have a big announcement coming this afternoon, please check back later.  No, I’m not shaving my mustache.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Alex Rodriguez – Out for 15 days because the Yankees need A-Rod to be healthy for the playoffs and he has an appointment to get his tips frosted.

Austin Kearns – 1-for-4 with a homer yesterday.  Now has a hit in his 11 games.  Unfortunately, it’s not the Yankees last 11 games, which makes Kearns hard to play unless you can platoon him in and out of your lineup.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 25th homer to match his career high.  A career year usually leads January Grey to evaluate a player to see if he’s going to be overrated.  January Grey is in Nepal giving spiritual guidance to the Beastie Boys, so I’m not sure but I don’t think Cano will be labeled overrated next year.  He’s a top 2nd baseman.

Kevin Slowey – To the DL with a strained right triceps.  (Or is that tricep?  Is it just a onecep?)  Before he went to the DL, Slowey left you with a 3 IP, 4 ER game on Saturday to remember him by.  If you’re wondering when he’s due to return, I suggest you take a step back and think about why you stay in abusive relationships.

Ricky Nolasco – Has a torn menicus, which is not the thing your great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather used to count.  The Marlins are hoping he misses just one start.  If he’s out for the season, which I think he will be, Nolasco’s done everyone a great favor.  For someone who has a 4.38 career ERA and is routinely overrated, now his value should come back to earth.

Cody Ross – The 29-year-old was grabbed by the Giants as Sabean infuses his outfield with youth.  The Giants now have more DHs then a majority of AL teams.  Do the Giants play 4 outfielders?  Are they planning on giving the middle finger to the NL and using a DH?  All valid questions.  I have to think this hurts ABs for Burrell (though it shouldn’t with the way he’s swinging the bat), Guillen and Ross.  Hopefully Torres continues to see at least 5 games a week.  Taking over for Ross in Florida…

Cameron Maybin – Perennial Razzball favorite-slash-bust returns to the Marlins outfield.  Maybin still has plenty of time to reach his potential at the major league level, but I’d hold expectations in check for the last five weeks.  He’s only a 10/20 player over the course of a season.  Break that into one month and it’s just a’ight, which is shade under a’ight and much less than a’ight a’ight.  In NL-Only leagues or keepers, you have to grab him for his upside.

Jason Heyward – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, 4 Runs and 2 homers.  Really hoping there’s not too many more of these games this year so Heyward comes into next year relatively affordable– Oh, who am I kidding, he’s going to be so hyped next year.

Mike Minor – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks.  *Grey drools*

Omar Infante – 4-for-6, 2 homers, 4 Runs and 4 RBIs.  Buh-but, Grey, can Infante keep this up? Who cares, random italicized voice?  There’s just over a month left of the season.  Play Infante while he’s hitting.  Don’t get your mustache all in a bunch, was just asking.

Josh Thole – Will be the Mets’ everyday catcher.  Having a hard time coming up with another positive so let’s leave it at that.

Juan Gutierrez – Got the save on Saturday and now it’s questionable who’s the closer in Arizona.  I think it should be Demel, I thought the Diamondbacks would go with Heilman and now Gutierrez is getting saves.  You figure that one out.

Dustin Pedroia – Sometimes Sparky Anklebiters can get so amped with leave-it-all-on-the-fieldness that they lose sight of the big picture and rush back too soon.  That was the case here and now that case is closed for another two weeks.

Wilson Betemit – I picked up Betemit as a fluke about a week ago.  He has four homers while batting over .300 in that time.  Every bone in your body tells you you shouldn’t own Betemit, but why are you listening to bones?  Is that some voodoo shizz?

Will Rhymes – 4-for-5 with 3 Runs, but still hasn’t stole a base.  Someone needs to give Rhymes the 411 on where his fantasy value lies.

Michael Wuertz – At some point during the weekend, he lost the closer job and then Bailey returned anyway, making the whole closerousel moot.

Tommy Hunter – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. O’s.  Decent enough rebound for a guy who sounds like he has a Witness Protection name.  His 42 Ks in 85 2/3 innings makes him pretty blahing to own.

Luke Scott – Two games, two homers.  Luke, you are not waiver wire fodder.

Ty Wigginton – Has two homers in the last two games too, and deuces are wild.

Joel Hanrahan – Gets the save to remind people that he’s the closer that never gets any save chances.

Jaime Garcia – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Remarkably (to me, at least), his season ERA is still at 2.42.  I can almost guarantee I won’t be owning Garcia next year.

Bobby Jenks – Threw three innings yesterday as Ozzie went with the ol’ “If you don’t like your closer, throw him until he’s injured” approach.

Ryan Braun – Hit his 18th homer yesterday.  I.e., two homers less than Mike Napoli.  Or one homer more than Bill Hall.  Um, dubya-tee-eff, Braun?

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  It’s pronounced Yo-lease.  It’s Spanish for pick him up.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Hudson’s name sounds familiar.  Oh, I know, he’s the guy I’ve mentioned you should pick up for the last three weeks.  Yeah, that’s right.

Jeanmar Gomez – 3 IP, 7 ER.  Hopefully not too many of you went with this Cleveland Streamer.

Jonathan Broxton – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Please make sure you sign the ‘Die Jonathan Broxton’ petition.

Rod Barajas – Nothing says last-ditch effort to help your team like grabbing a .225 hitting catcher off waivers.  Nothing says giving up like trying to trade away Manny Ramirez.  Nothing says mixed signals like these moves in tandem.

Matt Kemp – Homers in back-to-back games as the Dodgers announced that Kemp would be put into purgatorre with Scott Podsednik and him sharing playing time.  Torre said, Kemp would get more time than Podsednik, but Kemp doesn’t have Pods’ grit and wily veteranship.  Is Torre trying to put the best team on the field or looking for a backup quarterback?  I Googled ‘grit and wily veteran’ and I found John McCain.  How about we put him in center?!

Manny Ramirez will miss at least three weeks with a significant strain of his calf.  If he had four teats, he could be a cow.  Manny’s been dealing with this calf problem since April.  His “doctor” gave him some “fertility” medicine, but Selig and his “rules.”  Now Manny has an aggravated calf and impotency.  I hope you’re all happy.  I’d DL Manny if I owned him.  If you don’t have room, I’d just lose him.  You guys will see each other again because you love Manny.  Otherwise, I’m not sure why you owned him to begin with.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jonathan Broxton – 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Returned to the role of closer only to get taken out mid-inning because Don Mattingly inadvertently went to the mound twice.  A mustachioed Mattingly would’ve never made that mistake.

Aramis Ramirez – 3-for-5, 7 RBIs with 3 homers.  The first three months of the season Aramis was like the virgin cowboy from The Real World: Los Angeles.  The last few weeks he’s been like the virgin cowboy from The Real World: Los Angeles right after he rubbed up against the female police officer.

Geovany Soto – 2-for-5 with his 12th homer as he bats .293.  Yeah, he’s been better than Mauer, but whatever.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-5 and batting .474 over the last week with his third steal this week.  SAGNOF!

Chris Johnson – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in two games.  He doesn’t have huge power potential, so keep expectations in check, but if your corner infidel is dying, I could see a flyer in deeper mixed leagues.

Nate McLouth – Will return on Wednesday.  He was McLousy before getting knocked out for a month and a half with a concussion. (“Crimey, is this how long Morneau is going to be out?” asks your inner monologue.)  I wouldn’t rush to add McLouth since he’ll be sharing time with Melky.

Tommy Hunter – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I cheated and picked him up in a 12 team league for this two-start week.  He shouldn’t be pitching as well as he has been, but he is, so what are you supposed to do?  I mean, 8 out of his 9 starts have been quality starts.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer as he bats .357 on the year.  Can we get him to play the outfield in a bubble so he doesn’t get hurt?

Ian Kinsler – Back-to-back games with a home run to bring his season total to 6.  Would not shock me to see him get to 20 homers by the end of the season.  Yes, that’s a lot of homers for a 2nd baseman in just over 2 months.  Don’t underestimate anyone in the Rangers lineup.

Carlos Gonzalez – Didn’t play yesterday because of a bruised index finger.  I wish I had a finger for CarGo, but I’m currently giving it to Jason Bay.

Dexter Fowler – 1 for his last 25.  Not sure why, but he hasn’t been able to keep his hitting going at the big league level so far in his career.  I’d bench him or start to look elsewhere.  (Yes, I am kinda hoping to reverse jinx him into hitting.)

Jamie Moyer – Headed to the DL after being diagnosed with an acute case of “old.”  J.A. Happ should return to take his spot.  No, I’m not a fan of Happ.

Matt Diaz – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in 3 games.  If it makes the medicine go down a little easier, I picked up Diaz in a league.

Kevin Slowey – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Indians.  It was into the 6th inning and Slowey had only given up one run and his WHIP was under 1.00.  Of course, I was cursing his name since I benched or dropped him everywhere.  Then, for the first time all year, Slowey didn’t let me down when he loaded the bases so Jesse Crain could give up two inherited runs.

Jon Rauch – Has a bruised ankle, which isn’t half as delicious as a braised ankle.  Rauch should return in a day or two.  Meanwhile, I’d grab Matt Guerrier, who is not a guppy-terrier mix, in case you were wondering.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 0-for-5 as he was activated from the DL.  Nothing to report here because I already told you you (stutterer!) should pick him up.  It’s AS-drubal, after all.  Why wouldn’t you?  His name lyrical.  You go sing about him in the shower.  Unless you’re in prison.

Yunel Escobar – Sat out after being hit on his right hand while trying to bunt on Monday.  This is what you call old news, which is a lot less redundant than new news but less timely.

Jose Bautista – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and his major league leading 26th homer.  Last year, it was the improbable Aaron Hill.  This year, Bautista.  Next year, John McDonald will hit 40 homers.  You heard it here first.

Neil Walker – If anyone can figure out how to go 5-for-5 and only score one run and knock in one while your team scores 11, Neil Walker can.

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs with 2 homers.  The Smashbuckler!

Phil Hughes – 5 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Instituting Joba Rules on Hughes has had similar poor results.  Hughes’ ERA is up to 3.99 and is no longer a must start everywhere, which makes him very difficult to own.  You get sonavabenched then you start him and he gets rocked.

Mike Napoli – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer.  He has two more home runs than A-Rod.  Cust kayin’.

Juan Gutierrez – No lie.  I picked him up in multiple leagues as soon as I saw Gibson was calling him in for the save.  By the time I got to my third team, he had already given up a home run to Pagan.  He’s given up 13 homers in 34 1/3 innings.  Mariano hasn’t given up 13 homers in three years.  Halladay’s given up 13 homers in 154 innings.  Juan Gutierrez has the 13th worst OPS in the major leagues for pitchers with at least 20 innings.  Only three of the other guys are still in the major leagues!  I’m going to bench him just so others can’t get saves, but I should’ve just let them have him.

Barry Enright – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Hey, it’s the guy that sounds like he’s your uncle!  Don’t believe the magic, Enright’s getting by on smoke and mirrors.

Chris Carpenter – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks and got the Win as the Phillies’ Andrew Carpenter got the loss.  Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time two Carpenters were involved in both sides of a decision since Jesus and one of his carpenter buddies agreed Jesus should bring the wine for the company picnic.

David Freese – Broke his toe while rehabbing his right ankle.  If you’re fantasy season is contingent on Freese returning, you might want to start thinking about fantasy football.

Mike Gonzalez – After pulling a Kotchman for a few months, he’ll return this Friday.  Soon after, the O’s closer job will be ‘A Mike G. Joint.’

Luke Scott – 2 homers yesterday and no injuries!  He’s like the fantasy baseball equivalent to Lay’s Potato Chips.  When Luke Scott hits homers, he can’t hit just one.  I could see him hitting another four homers this month.  Be cautious about picking him up though, three of those four homers may be of the pinch hit variety because he’ll be sharing time.

Matt Garza – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It was the Suckie-O’s!  What are you doing, Garza?  You’re killing me.  4 homers allowed?  Tony Pena pitched better in the Homer Derby.

Carl Crawford – Left the game after a pickoff throw hit Carl’s Jr.

Last summer, something felt wrong for Edinson Volquez.  He said it was his arm.  Dusty gave him two after-dinner mints and said they were “reconstructive surgery,” then threw him for 160 pitches.  Unfortunately, the mints didn’t take.  Dusty blamed Edinson’s inability to believe.  Neverthehoo!  (I’m trying to get neverthehoo to stick, go with it.)  Edinson went for Tommy John surgery, or as they call it in the Tommy John household, “my surgery.”  Usual recovery time is longer than his current 11 month timetable, but all signs point to him returning in the next few weeks.   I’d grab him in every league.  Yes, even yours.  His sell value is already starting to climb.  If he returns with a gem, his value will go through the roof.  So even if you don’t need a starter, someone in your league will.  Coming back, I expect Volquez will give a great K-rate and not a terrific WHIP.  Think 75 innings, 4.00 ERA, 1.32 WHIP and 85 Ks.  My name is Edinson Volquez and I approve of this message.  Hey, Dusty, can I have another mint? No!  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Erik Bedard – Bedard’s history of injury is so well-documented that even if he returns and throws aces, he can still drop an injury deuce at any moment.

Jorge de la Rosa – dlR, Edinson, Bedard, Beckett… In that order I’d pick them up.  Not to repeat, but to explain.  Beckett’s in the AL East and can’t get his shizz together, saying he might not be back until the end of July.  Bedard’s terrific when healthy.  That ‘when’ needs to be airlifted out of bed.  Edinson’s progressing well, but this was serious surgery.  dlR’s progressing well from a less serious injury.  However, I do think Edinson and dlR are pretty much a toss-up.  Volquez will have more trade value if good news continues to come out.  Any questions?  What about Jar-Jar? Why I oughta!

Madison Bumgarner – Just went over my Bumgarner fantasy.  He has to be up soon.  He just has to be.  That’s me putting what I want out in the cosmos.  Thanks, The Secret!

Tommy Hunter – This is Tommy Hunter after he learned you wanted to pick him up.  Or is that Billy Butler?  It’s hard for me to recommend him highly because I wouldn’t pick him up outside of H2H or AL-Only leagues, but he’s pitching well and he gets the Astros next.  Yes, please.

Gavin Floyd – It took two stank months, but this is the Floyd I pictured when I targeted him in drafts.  In his last four starts, 29 innings, 3 earned runs.  Float on, Gavin!

Brandon League – If Aardsma gets moved, League will be gone from your waivers quicker than you can say, “The Mariners were contenders in March.”

Sam Demel – Heilman is the first pickup, Qualls is the second pickup and the Diamondbacks are a cellar-dwelling team.  So deep SAGNOF, but SAGNOF neverthehoo!

Jarret Hoffpauir – Doesn’t he sound like a total douche?  When you and your girl were on a break, who did she sleep with? Jarret Hoffpauir!  That douche!  He dotted her eyes!  Hoffpauir’s playing every day (for now) and has 2nd base eligibility in ESPN and about to get 3rd base in Yahoo.  Hoffpauir’s a pretty stale prospect, having festered in the minors for a bit too long, but he has solid plate discipline (9 homers and only 15 Ks in 259 ABs at Triple-A).  Because of his eligibility, I’d take a chance on him in deep leagues.

Dayan Vicedo – Until Ozzie tweets Vicedo into his everyday lineup, I’m not as excited about him.  In deep enough leagues, you do what you do.

Chris Johnson – To run through these guys like I did with the injured starters; I’d grab them Hoffpauir, Vicedo and Johnson, in that order.  Hoffpauir’s playing for the 1927 Blue Jays and playing every day, according to Gaston.  Viciedo is not playing every day, but has decent upside.  Chris Johnson plays for the Astros.  Belch.

Justin Smoak – I sorta gave up on Smoak’s BABIP ever turning itself around… Actually, at first base, I couldn’t afford to wait in a league or two, but it seems like he did finally turn it around.

Gaby Sanchez – He’s having a much better season than Lance Berkman.  Yo Gaby Gaby!

Brennan Boesch – On June 23rd, ESPN told you to grab Boesch.  On May 21st, I told you to grab him.  You’re welcome.

Tyler Colvin – Mentioned him in last week’s Buy/Sell.  And here he is again.  You’d think Steve Stone were writing these.

David DeJesus – DeJesus could be the definition of yawnstipating if Polanco didn’t own that distinction.  You, son, are too yawnstipating to even be the definition of yawnstipating!  Day-um! BTW, A man in Wichita, Kansas asked for Selig to visit his hometown and confirm the likeness of DeJesus on a piece of toast.

SELL

A.J. Burnett – He got a red card and was benched indefinitely in the league where I have him (look at me forcing in soccer and not making any sense!), but I’m in a deep league.  Most of youse can flat-out drop him.  Sure, his xFIP is a full run lower than his ERA, but it’s still hovering around 5 and his Ks are way too far down.  I’d let Burnett wiggle his nose on someone else’s team.

Buster Posey – Well, you had about a week to sell him for value like I suggested.  Now I don’t think you get anything for him in one year leagues.  Nine out of ten fantasy baseball ‘perts agree, rookie value is less than their hype.

Billy Butler – Garrett Jones has been better than Butler, according to the ESPN Player Rater.  So has Swisher, Glaus, Loney, Huff, Prado and Konerko.  I hate to be a, uh, hater, but Mr. Grapefruit is way overvalued.  For some reason, people are indifferent with the Royals as a whole, but love their prospects.  You know what Butler is?  A good average, 20 homer hitter.  Loney looks at that and says, “Yeah, so?”  You look at Butler and you think well-rounded, but for fantasy he is not.  He gets few Runs and RBIs due to his team and he has Warning Track Fly power.  Otherwise known as WTF!  (Disregard the preceding if you play in a league with a Moob category.)